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Posts by yuanyuan3045
Joined: Dec 28, 2011
Last Post: Jan 2, 2012
Threads: 6
Posts: 23  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 29
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yuanyuan3045   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Living and dreaming' - University of Chicago Long Essay [12]

I really like it! Keep the first sentence, it's vital for your essay and very eye-catching.
It's a bit long, but that's just my personal opinion. You have too many examples, cut out one and expand on the paragraph about yourself instead.

Disregard my essay if you turned it in already, as far as I know it's not due until Jan. 3
Thanks for the advice on reversed psychology, I really like the circular reasoning path.
Good Luck!
yuanyuan3045   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'called on in my Theory of Knowledge (TOK)' - Stanford intellectual vitality [3]

Did I personally believe that lying was never okay, no matter what the circumstances?O r what it just a result of being taught not to lie for years?

I firmly decided that "No! That's not what I believe."

It's unclear what's not your belief.

I think you should expand on that particular experience at TOK, like what the question was, how you answered it, it was all to vague.

obvious answers but complicated implications .

Good luck! if you have time, read mine? It's okay if you don't, I know it's due soon.
yuanyuan3045   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / ' My mom always makes me feel loved' - topic of choice [4]

It's a really great description of your mom, but focus on you, what changes did she inspire in you and made you the person your are today.

The essay is eloquent, but it does not have enough about the kind of person you are. Don't put yourself down! It's best to take out the last sentence.
yuanyuan3045   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / The Little Prince is more than my favorite book, it is an experience I treasure [NEW]

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

It didn't happen in a day or a moment, but a span of seven years. The Little Prince is more than my favorite book, it is an experience I treasure. I adore the classic because it doesn't pretend with its effortless prose and enchanting view of life. The Little Prince also marks my intellectual development from being monolingual to more than bilingual. When I first picked up the book- an edition that had three languages- at age ten and read through it in Chinese, I fell in love with the Little Prince. Quite literally, I sat on the toilet and sobbed through the last chapter (I have an unhealthy habit of reading in the bathroom). The novella made me appreciate the minute details of life and freed my mind from mundane concerns.Three years later, I revisited the Little Prince, in English this time. I realized the difference it made to read in another language; I had taken on a new perspective of the book. I still loved the Little Prince, but I began to discover the nuance of language, the subtle differences that accompanied each translation. This summer, I have started to read the original in French, slowly working through each chapter, paying attention not only to unfamiliar words but the grammatical structure as well. The satisfaction of being able to comprehend my favorite book in its original is unparalleled. I noticed that the original is brimming with the subjunctive mood that the Chinese and English versions struggled to convey. The Little Prince is vital to my linguistic development. It inspired me to challenge myself with learning new languages and to re-examine life from a child's perspective.

All comments are greatly appreciated!
yuanyuan3045   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / (Annual Hanami Festival / Meeting Strangers) COMMON APPs [7]

I like option 1 more! it's more personal and exciting. I agree that you could tighten up the prose a bit, make it more focused on how you embrace diversity and change and such.

I suggest cutting out the last sentence about the petals and talk about how the cherry blossom relates to you. Your first essay is really beautiful, if it could be expanded into an autobiography or short memoirs, but given the limits on the common app you have to find a meaningful point to talk about.

I feel your pain but trust yourself! go for the first!
yuanyuan3045   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'acceptance of others matters' - Stanford: What matters to you, and why? [NEW]

Thousands of people milled around me, many adorning flashy shades of red. We were gathered on the broad street of Los Angeles for the annual Aids Walk. This is an event that I attended for three consecutive years, the first year in 2009 had been the most memorable. Excitement filled the air as the opening ceremony officially began the walk. Right when I rounded the first corner, I saw three middle-aged men on the sidewalk holding cardboard signs that read "Jesus hates gays" and "You will go to hell". They received no shortage of boos, but that was because the mentality of the people at Aids Walk was more liberal than that of the average American. While I admire their bravery for boldly protesting at such an adversarial audience, I contemplated the homophobic mindset of the three men. To me, acceptance of others matters for both individual and society, and among proponents of gender and racial equality, I advocate for gay rights. I have heard of many arguments against gay marriage on the basis of religion, education, etc. Although I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I don't understand the great extent some people go to make those different from them feel miserable and alienated. I despise the negative connotation the word "homosexuality" holds. It upsets me to know that loving someone of the same gender could elicit such strong reactions of disgust. Even though I do not expect everyone to share the same views as me, I do hope that one day society can embrace interpersonal difference and abandon prejudices.

Any criticism is greatly appreciated!
yuanyuan3045   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'where professors cared' - Why UChicago? [4]

I make my way

I made

Call it fate or destiny,or whatever you like, but sitting on top of this massive Mount Everest

Having visited Chicago last summer, I already knew all the city had to offer. Going to college in a place brimming with beautiful architecture, endless opportunities and an amazing art scene was just the cherry on top.

take out, too generic

I wanted to major in English literature or art, and UChicago was renowned in both of these. The passion at the university drew me most.

Just suggestions, some sentences could be more succinct and thus more effective. Good luck!
yuanyuan3045   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Indoor Plumbing' - Stanford: What matters to you? [NEW]

As I wiped down the porcelain bowl (a chore I'm sure no other than my mom would delegate), I couldn't help but appreciate the ingenuity of modern indoor plumbing. I'm not trivializing the importance of happiness, time, knowledge, or freedom; those all matter to me. However, as I recall my childhood days, I found myself acknowledging the value of indoor plumbing.

I was born in a small town in China; my parents both worked in Singapore as manual laborers to support our family, so I lived mostly with my grandparents. Before we moved to an apartment equipped with proper piping, our house had no bathroom. The only water source came from a faucet in what would be considered a kitchen. Until I was seven, my family, neighbors, and I all had to use the public restroom across the street (a brick building with holes in the ground) and public bathhouses. Now my childhood neighborhood is replaced with sky scrappers; however, I still cringe at the thought of the stench from the public restroom. Just the summer before last, I went back to China to visit my grandparents. The many bathrooms I encountered all confounded me; water drained straight from the shower-head to the opening on the tiled-floor, but a bath tub or a cubicle didn't exist. Nothing separated the shower from the toilet or the sink, in other words, shower only when necessary. So when I returned to America, I secretly thanked my bathroom facilities. I could no longer fathom nor readjust to life without indoor plumbing. Although I grew accustomed to the convenience of modern day life, I still have quiet moments of gratitude towards the relative comfort of my life now.

This is a little personal, but please give me your honest opinion. Do you think this topic works? And do you have any questions I didn't address?

I really appreciate the feedback, and I'll return the favor.
yuanyuan3045   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "Battling for Passion" - Evaluate an experience (Common app) [4]

all had stories to be told

all had stories to tell

Winning essay! Wow I really want to meet you, passion for languages = instant bond
I really like the way you weaved your dad's interjections throughout the essay, but it sounds like you and your dad have a tense relationship

maybe if you can, you can add your dad's approval at the end? I don't know how officers look at family feud
the essay is fine as it is, and your personality shows through
Good luck and I hope to meet you in the future
yuanyuan3045   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Sorrow, anger, and doubt' - Stanford Essay: What matters to you and why? [3]

I've read advice to not discuss matters of religion in college applications, but I'm not sure of its effect on your admissions.
Ultimately it's up to you because it's what matters to you. However, I do suggest taking this sentence out or revising it :"Many people try to conceal their weaknesses and peccadilloes in fear of human judgment and their own frailty."

Good Luck!
yuanyuan3045   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Divorced parents and the average Joe' - Stanford - Intellectual vitality [3]

I really love your essay, your determination and passion shows through. However, you do make assumptions that no everyone will agree with, such as "In a world of big money politics, it is hard for the average American to be heard in government. But in a country that governs by the people, for the people, and with the will and consent of the people, someone needs to be the hero and voice for the Average Joe, who feels more disillusioned each day." This is only a suggestion, and you don't have to change anything.
yuanyuan3045   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Announcing the program for us' - Common App Short Answer [9]

Revised:

Toddlers to first-graders sat fidgeting on the carpet as I started to read "The Pigeon Wants a Puppy" in an obnoxiously animated voice. Two books went by, and I couldn't help but chuckle as little heads start to loll as they fought to stay attentive. However, as soon as I announced that it was crafts time, everyone snapped from their trance and rushed to the table set up by my fellow key clubbers. This week was for "Tissue Paper Flowers," and the five of us immediately set to work with requests of "Can I have some purple?" and "How do I tie this together?". Through volunteering for the Story and Crafts program that I coordinated between the local library and our school key club, I realized how much I love working with little kids. In those moments, all that matters are the tasks of helping them achieve their goals and seeing the satisfaction on their faces when a creation forms from their imagination. A blond boy of four years gave me a resounding "Thank you!" and a bitty high-five before he left with his masterpiece. Nothing could be more rewarding than that.

What else can I improve?
yuanyuan3045   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / The true rudeness of a scoff - Amherst Essay [4]

I think the stereotype line works against you, the admission officers won't like any stereotypical mindset, even if you were poking fun at it.

the "ghetto" could be excluded too.
yuanyuan3045   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Public School / IB Diploma' - Intellectual vitality + what matters to you [6]

"I was excited to try something new."
I think you can cut out "In every possible way..accepted me."
"we now celebrate both Christmas and _______"
Some parts were repetitive, like " Finally, I was content with where I was and how I was; there was no need to change."

Overall strong essay.

"TOK wasn't exactly what I expected it to be."
Explain what kind of harsh realities are you shielded from, like expanding on the ugly-truth because it seems out of nowhere.

Good Luck!
yuanyuan3045   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Announcing the program for us' - Common App Short Answer [9]

"Will you announce the program for us?" I asked the librarian. "Alright," she switched on the intercom and spoke "Patrons, the Story Time and Arts and Crafts program hosted by the Chino Hills High School Key Club will start now in the children section of the Library." So it began. Little kids from toddlers to first-graders sat impatiently on the carpet as I started to read The Pigeon Wants a Puppy in an abnormally animated voice. Two books went by and I couldn't help but chuckle as little heads start to loll even when they fought to focus their attention. However, as soon as I shut the book and announced that it's crafts time, everyone snapped up from their trance and rushed to the table already set up by my fellow key clubbers. This week is Tissue Paper Flowers; the five of us immediately set to work with requests of "can I have some purple" and "how do I tie this together". The flurry of bright colored tissue paper and fuzzy sticks must have attracted the other kids as they stopped in their reading to join the commotion. Finally, the crowd started to thin and I slowed down for a drink of water. A blond boy of four years I was helping was the last to leave, and before he left, he gave me a resounding "thank you" and a bitty high-five and I smiled big. The clock now points to five and a mess was waiting to be cleaned. Today had been a success and I couldn't wait to come back next Thursday.

Does this make sense? I'm trying to describe one instance of volunteering at my local library with the Story-time and Crafts program.
I have a bit of condensing to do.

Thank you for your feedback!
yuanyuan3045   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Living and dreaming' - University of Chicago Long Essay [12]

Oh My Gosh I love it! Hey fellow psychology fan, I took AP Psych and I've never thought about it that way.
So far it's going good, but it seems sufficient on its own, like if you continue to expand upon it, it will just start to sound repetitive.

Now that you've talked about the abstract, perhaps you could better demonstrated it with a concrete example. I would love to see where this is going.

Any advice on how to tackle the "don't write about reverse Psychology prompt"?
And Good Luck to you!

P.S. I also recommend expanding on the ideas of neurons in the brain firing, how potential could mean not only action potential of the cell to fire but also hidden potential within each person to achieve their goals.
yuanyuan3045   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / UChicago Required Essay: What does Play-doh have to do with Plato? [4]

I really enjoyed it! Nice to see a fellow student tackle to U Chicago essays, I going for the "don't write about reverse psychology" one.

Overall, the transition from third to first person is a bit abrupt, and it took me half way through the essay to realize that the little girl in the beginning was you and not your little sister. But that's just me.

So perhaps work on the transition and flow of the story from past to present?
Overall very interesting story, but you did not address the question (or perhaps that was your intention).
Thanks for help on my essay!
yuanyuan3045   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "Have you dissected any sheep eyeballs before?"; Indicate a Person of Influence [5]

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

"Have you dissected any sheep eyeballs before?"
"Not lately."
This strange dialogue is a snippet of what was a common occurrence in my AP Psychology class. Our teacher Mr. Acker, with his short-boxed beard, slightly high-pitched voice and a wry humor that could be easily missed, taught us a most interesting subject in the most unconventional ways. I was lucky to be placed in the first year of AP Psychology class at our school as demands were high and seniors had first priority. The class -the highlight of my junior year- and more importantly Mr. Acker, introduced me to a new dimension of learning and led me to discover my latent passion for psychology.

As I walked into the first day of class, I noticed with piqued interest a duct-tape square marked out on the carpeted floor in front of the classroom. Mr. Acker began with a brief introduction and without any instructions, asked for five volunteers from the class. They were ushered out of the classroom and while they waited, Mr. Acker predicted the ways that the students would arrange themselves inside the box drawn on the ground. He was so sure of his prognostication we were so dubious that the class watched in awe as the volunteers, without fail, arranged themselves exactly as Mr. Acker had predicted. One by one, the students were brought back and instructed to stand anywhere the box; the first chose to stand in the middle while the rest each occupied a corner. I was instantly captivated by Mr. Acker's ability to understand and anticipate the unspoken rules that govern even the simplest group behavior. I wanted to learn more about those rules that are not only specific to group behavior but are also principal to the human mind.

Mr. Acker further challenged our understanding of psychology by finding new ways to reinforce our learning by provoking all of our senses. We listened to relaxation tapes, conditioned our salivary glands with lemon powder, and upset our occipital lobes with disorienting goggles. His easygoing Type B personality directly contrasted with my heart-disease-prone Type A personality and impelled his memorable teaching methods. We never knew what to expect each day as we walked into class. Someday we would be watching a video (such as one of a giraffe on the stages of loss) while others we worked in group on activities (such as counting different colors of M&Ms to experience statistics). At school I soaked up the lectures while at home I devoured the textbook, reading ahead chapters in advance.

Before long, I knew that psychology was going to be my major in college. The class, and especially Mr. Acker, led me to want to seek a deeper understanding of the motivations behind human behavior, and to examine to what extent the biological functions of the brain control thought and actions. Realizing how much I miss the class this year, I started a psychology club at my school with Mr. Acker as the adviser. I continue to research psychology, and I try to introduce new ideas and stimulate engaging conversations as part of the psychology club.

Any suggestions on a concluding sentence? Thank you!
yuanyuan3045   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'getting the ball into the hole' - Common APP Short Essay [7]

Beginning sentence is a bit repetitive. I suggest taking out "which is so annoying". I like the humor, but the repeated mention of dirty rooms is not something admission officers want to know. Good luck!
yuanyuan3045   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Student's freedom to own curriculum' - Duke Supplement: Why Trinity College? [6]

If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

o be honest, when my uncle first mentioned Duke University to me in my sophomore year, I had not given it much thought then. An Exploring College Options conference changed all that. I was invited in email to the program in downtown Los Angeles in October of my junior year, and I have been interested in Duke since. U Penn, "a Benjamin Franklin themed park (the admission officer's words, not mine)" did not appeal to me; Duke alone captured most of my interest. As I sipped my complimentary Starbucks coffee and assessed my competition, the representative admission officer introduced his presentation: "Last year, Duke fully funded an undergraduate to the World Cup in Africa because he wanted 'to study the effect the world soccer championship had on international relations.' True Story." To me, this conveyed a lot. The degree of intellectual freedom and encouragement for creativity supported by Duke is remarkable, and exactly what I am seeking: a chance for young minds to design their own education and study the matters important to them. I'm excited to jump into the myriad of opportunities available to me at Duke's Trinity College of Arts and Science and take advantage of its double major and minor programs (Psychology, Neuroscience, Economics and perhaps French Studies). The problem at Duke is not the lack of research programs, fields of studies or award-winning faculties, but too many options for one to hope to absorb them all.

I'm interested in Duke not only because of its prestigious national ranking, its stunning Gothic architecture, or its low faculty-to-student ratio, although those are a given. I'm interested in Duke because of the freedom it gives students to design their own curriculum, exemplified by the fact that at Trinity College of Arts and Science, the only requirement for freshmen is a Writing 20 course and a First-Year Seminar. Finally! A chance to learn what I want and everything I want. I can't wait to join the InCubers and start on my entrepreneurship as well as take advantage of the DukeEngage program to expose myself to the outside world and learn new languages and cultures alongside my education. Not to mention that the general education requirements is both definitive and liberal, with broad guidelines set up for five areas of knowledge, but ultimately leaves the students to decide the courses they want to pursue. I love that the Trinity College do not simply feed its students textbook material but challenges students to approach and analyze life from a global perspective with its Modes of Inquiry. Duke fosters a curious breed of intellectuals and what attracts me most at Duke's Trinity College of Arts and Science is a chance to explore, everything.

Any suggestions , ANY is welcome and greatly appreciated.
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