Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]

Posts by Pradodiana1
Joined: Dec 30, 2011
Last Post: Dec 31, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 17  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 20
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Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Yale supp. essay- "'A woman's perfume tells more about her than her handwriting'" [10]

Thank you so much for helping with my essay!
I really don't know how to fix this one, it is just so good already that I have had to read it three times to find a problem with it.

In my re-reading, I found that the quotes you left made you sound like you are superficial. Sure, you are intoxicatingly inocent, but how will that help you get through college or save the universe like superman??? lol. Just saying that you might want to point at some of your better qualities like the fact that you are incredibly creative and can think outside the box (like, connecting perfumes to growing up), instead of showing that you are chick and youthful.

The transition in the second to last paragraph is not a problem, however talking about wikiloops might be. Why not talk about how you like to explore challenging subjects in school or something like how you went from taking regular English to advanced comp (by the way, did you do this? It seems like you are taking a course like advanced comp cause you are so so so sooo creative!)
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" - Most Meaningful Book - Columbia [3]

I like what you are saying, however I find myself getting lost a little bit. I want to know more about YOU not so much about the book.

Maybe you would get your message across more efficiently by being less vague. Instead of saying "changed the way I viewed the people around me" you could say, "made me view people with more----" or "helped me realize that strangers----". I am sure you have great personal qualities and that reading this book truly affected your values and morals, but I would like to get a little more on WHICH values and WHICH morals instead of just knowing it changed you. You might have to cut out the first sentence where you are describing the book, they want to know about YOU and how amazing YOU are, not about how amazing the book is. Here's one way to think about it: if you show them how awesome you are and the great values this book taught you, they'll understand that it was a good book.

hope this helps!
please take a look at mine!
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / NYU Supplement- My experiences that have helped cultivate my interests, etc. [9]

There are a few grammatical errors you can probably fix quickly just by re-reading this.
One big thing I noticed though is that you wrote NYC instead of NYU, probably the fault of auto-correct lol, just go back and fix that quickly =)

I think a way to make this a little more engaging would be to tell a story instead of listing your thoughts. Why don't you try to describe, say, an occasion when someone asked you what you wanted to study and you hesitated on the answer. Tell what went on in your head, the memories of your internship, your new love for exploring and NYU.

I hope this helps,
please take a look at my William and Mary essay!
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Human' - Stanford - What Matters to You and Why? [7]

Wow, you threw this together quickly? You deserve a pat in the back my friend, this is quite impressive.
One thing though, since gazelles feed on stationary plants, I don't think it would be running for it prey lol, maybe it would be running from its predator?

Also, mentioning that your friends are cerebral studs is a little distracting, I'd remove that.
I hope this helps!
Good luck!
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The game of golf' - Common App [8]

I think the best way to show not only the importance to you of working for the WJGA but also for showing your personal qualities would be to write about a moment and tell it sort of like a story. Say you had a heart-to-heart with a student or you had particular trouble teaching one of them, write about that and how you hope the lessons you taught your student will help her or him in the long run. =)

Hope this helped! Good luck!
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I attempted to start a conversation' - common app essay [4]

hello, please be brutally honest, I need to submit it by tonight.

This is the personal essay for the common application, I chose the option to talk about a significant experience in my life and its impact on me.

Does the essay show my personal qualities? Does it flow well? please be very honest!! I need good critique! thanks!! =)

It was a weekend when my mother told me. She called me to her and asked excitedly, "Would you like to live in the United States, Diana?" "No!" I replied. We had just celebrated Christmas at my aunt's house and memories of all the fun I had with my cousins lingered in my mind. "What about Silvanita?" I asked, growing more anxious by the minute. "Would she come with us?" I couldn't bear the thought that my cousin and I would be separated. Though the room was dark and quiet, light emanated from one corner where a bunch of flowers stood on the table. I gazed at them in an attempt to cast aside the worries that were rapidly filling my head and heart.

When we arrived in the United States, we were met by my dad and his brother's family at the airport. My cousin Miguel offered me some of his Goldfish crackers. Having traveled all day, I eagerly tried the American snack. In a second I was struck by how artificial and mass produced that little Goldfish cracker was. Thus began my first experience with "culture clash" - I would experience something new and my mind would instantly transport me back to Peru - to the many things that were familiar and natural to me.

As the new kid in school, communication and connection took on greater meaning than ever before. I would look at my classmates and know in my heart that we could be friends. But when I attempted to start a conversation, I became mute. My inability to speak English alienated me at a time when I desperately needed friends. In an unconscious effort to connect, I began to see those things that I longed for - a stranger would suddenly transform into a family member, buses turned into combis and the gray clouds were Lima's sky. My body was in Virginia but my mind and soul were still in Peru.

With each wave of nostalgia, my resolve to control my emotions grew stronger. I was tired of remembering places, people and moments that were absent from my new life. I decided that I would transform those details that made me different into strengths. Each night when the world grew quiet, I would lie in bed and write. Words of pain, fear, frustration and longing came crashing down, often accompanied by silent tears, onto the paper.

As time passed my love of writing emerged and grew stronger. Every night, regardless of the confusion and chaos swirling through my home, I would devote time to writing. I forged a space where I was free from other people's perceptions of me. Words like Latina, Hispanic, Immigrant, and Different shrank in size when compared to myriad alternatives that I could use to create my narrative. Courage, Empathy, Communication and Connection were words that repeatedly penetrated my heart and reminded me of my values as I worked to navigate high school.

"Al que quiere celeste que le cueste", my mother would tell me whenever I grew frustrated by life's challenges. "If you really want something, you have to work for it." I internalized this belief and wove it into the fabric of my life. The harder I worked, the more confident I grew in my abilities. I grew to love my English classes which gave me opportunities to present my writing before an audience. Conversations sprang up and suddenly I was no longer that girl who stood mute, frustrated and alone. I was a young woman who, through the craft of writing, had the opportunity to engage with others.
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Girls' Soccer - Common App Extracurricular [4]

I think this response is very good and the part about your brother makes the essay easier to relate to.
However, the first sentence doesn't read too easily. you should just say "For as long as I can remember, my feet have been rough (or any synonym of)"

Instead of "(football as we call it in my country)" you should add the name of your country and check if it is not spelled Futbol as it is in some countries, though I'm sure you know how to spell the name of your favorite sport. :)

The ending is brilliant, it shows that you are the type of person who doesn't complain but makes the best of what you've got and are proud of your accomplishments. very good qualities are shining through in this essay, I'd pat myself in the back if I were you!

please take a look at mine! I really need some help, I need to submit is asap!
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'work in close proximity with the people' - Common App=ECA [4]

I am not sure what the prompt is since you didn't state it but I'm guessing it's asking you to talk about one of your extracurricular activities.

In the second paragraph, there is a problem with the position of the commas. It should read "Too heavy to bear but, in time, I have..."

Also, further along the same sentence it should read "in my community and to lead several projects of this movement. One"
Instead of "as I hand out" which sounds a little awkward because you have not been following the narrative format throughout the writing you should write "when I hand out"

Overall, the content of this response is great! It really shows that you care about helping and that you are a go-doer type of person instead of a bystander. If you can fix some of the flow like I tried to help you with I think this would be a winning response. :-)
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'soccer enthusiasts' - What factors have led you to consider Macalester College? [2]

Hey thank you so much for helping with my essay!
This essay is really great, you really seem to be passionate about the school and your personal qualities shine through, however there were just a few things that I thought needed re-wording.

"I ended up not doing too poorly" try to make yourself sound triumphant, this is your opportunity to show how you shine! "I ended up doing a good job" or something along those lines might sound a little better and less wordy.

On the last sentence, "I hope this can be the recipe"

hope this helps!
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a Mexican in Egypt and New York City' - Roomates? BU Supplement! [6]

Hello, thank you so much for helping me with my William and Mary essay!
I think this essay really shows your personal qualities. From it I get that you're highly energetic, like to explore and don't get discouraged easily.

I would change a few things though. Toward the end, you start speaking to a roommate and using the word "you." you don't need to do hat and it usually is not welcome on essays to use the word "you" from wha I've heard. You could change that and say something like: I am excited about living with a roommate and sharing my cultural background...

Also, "For my senior year of Highschool I..." this should make a new paragraph.
You should delete the words "so you see" and just leave it as "I am astonished by different cultures..."
Hope this helps! This essay really brings out your personality and your qualities!
Thank you again for helping me with mine!
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The boy without a name' - William and Mary supplement essay [8]

Hello, I need help with this essay. I am trying to show that this event had a huge impact in my life and that I have learned not to take anything for granted because of it. In the past I have had trouble sounding arrogant, is that how I sound here? Is it long enough at 475 words? How can I improve it, I don't know if it is getting good personal qualities about me across.

Thank you so much!

Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extracurricular accomplishhments, what else makes you unique and colorful?
500 words or less.

I met the boy without a name the day I saw poverty for the first time.
At first sight, the boiling day seemed perfect. The soccer game was in full bloom, talented young boys were playing underneath the hot sun while their mothers cheered from the side lines. Upon a second look at the soccer-team sized group of young boys, the true poverty that reigned in my summer town of Iquitos, Peru shone through. The scene stopped me on my way to the small kiosk a few blocks down from my aunt's home. At first, I was impressed by the fact that these kids could run and play on a day doomed with intolerable heat. Wasn't the hot air choking their throats like it was mine? Now, I stood watching because the boys played barefooted on a dirt field polluted with gravel and possibly glass shreds. I watched because the mothers weren't just watching the game on the sidelines, they lived on the sidelines. Their homes made up of sticks and tarp. The boys played shirtless not because they were too hot, but because they had tied their shirts together into a round bundle they were using as a soccer ball. I stared because despite their obvious poverty and need, those boys gave the sun-bleached wide sky a smile I reserved for Christmas and Birthday mornings. My eyes filled with tears at the sudden realization of how blind and impossibly lucky I had always been.

I must have looked very odd standing there, because the little boy playing closest to the sidelines stopped just to stare at me. Despite my attempts to look away and continue on my way down to the candy kiosk, I was locked in place. His black eyes were petrifying me slowly and forcing me to bare witness to his condition. His skin, browned by the sun and resistant, clung to his bones making his shape into that of a child's skeleton. There was a pink scar running from his left armpit to a hidden spot beneath his shorts. His feet had obviously never been contained in shoes and his eyes embodied poverty. I thought I saw his mouth give me an arrogant smirk and he was gone, running down the gravel field at breakneck speed with the ball following his feet as if pulled by a magnet. From an impossible position too close to the sideline he kicked the ball toward the two water bottles that had been stuck into the ground and made a goal. The scream of effort that stumbled from his mouth as he kicked with all his strength engraved itself into my memory.

I will always be grateful for the boy without a name, he taught me to see all that I have and be thankful, so thankful, of the opportunities available to me.
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My Fear of Dragons' - Williams College Supplement (Window Essay) [3]

This essay is so touching and creative!
The word "cumulonimbus" in the second paragraph doesn't flow too well, it looks good that you know the type of cloud but maybe using the more common "thunderstorm cloud" or describing the anvil shape of it's top would work better.

Overall, this essay shows that you can write. You use very good language to open up a world in front of the reader's eyes and the way you compared the thunderstorm to a dragon was just so unique and creative!

One thing is missing though, I am having trouble pin pointing the personal trait you're going for. Is it your ability to overcome fear? Maybe you can add a little about the personal quality you're trying to show by the essay.
Dec 30, 2011
Graduate / Personal essay for Direct Entry Master of Science in Nursing program (for NP's) [2]

Overall the essay is great!

One way to describe my day after stepping into that hospital room- natural this was brilliant!

I think this essay has a lot going for it and it is easy to tell that you really care and are passionate about nursing.

If you're having trouble with the last paragraph, I'd say to just visit the universitie's website and talk about a class you think you would particularly enjoy, or a program that appeals to you. If you did a college tour or talked to some people from there, you should add that also and tell about how that added to your love for the university.
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / I am so tired William & Mary supplement essay [3]

Hello! I need help. The prompt asks to write about the topic of my choice and to make sure it is 500 words or less. This one is 378, is that a good length? Also, this is a first draft but I have worked on it really hard and need some help with advice on how to make it better.

Thank you so much!

I am so tired. The day this complaint sifts its way out of society will be a triumphant day for the history of man kind. Being tired was not a terminal disease last time I checked so it really should not be treated as such. If my teammates are counting on me to play at a big game, I can't let them down just because I didn't get much sleep the night before. That "I-am-so-tired" excuse doesn't count in my book, in fact, it doesn't even deserve the hundreds of times I am forced to hear it from my classmates in a single day. It is just something that we all have to deal with and, like a lady's time of the month, should be a taboo subject.

I can't imagine the devastation my family would've faced had my mother and father fallen into the easy trend of saying I am tired and thus excusing themselves from working hard. When we moved to the United States, there were countless opportunities for them to take the easy way out by using this phrase. Luckily, they knew better. In a world where it is easy to be lazy, they grasped the importance of working through the fatigue and earning a good living. They made sure to weave that concept into the quilt of my upbringing, scowling at or teasing me whenever I looked tired or stated that I was.

As I grew older and started to take more challenging classes, my days were plagued with the worn-out complaint. I am so tired, I would hear my friends say over and over. So what? I always wanted to tell them. So what if you are tired, just do your work now and sleep when it's time to sleep. I kept my mouth shut however, since saying negative things about a person's state usually brought on animosity.

There is nothing wrong with feeling a little tired. In fact, sleep is an inexplicable need manifest in all animals and any extreme sleep deprivation can lead to serious consequences for the organism. Allowing this feeling to become a substantial obstacle in every day life and using it as an excuse to give mediocre effort however, is a crime against oneself.
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