Writing Feedback / whether or not students should wear uniforms to school :) [3]

I'm not too sure it is persuasive enough in our school we have something like FARTERS( I know its weird but it stands for something and it helps to write a good persuasive essay)

F - Facts- Include some facts in your persuasive essay, you could write " 60% of student in my school disagree with school unifroms, but I will prove some points that will make that number decrease."

A - Anecdote- This is when you write a personal story or something that happened to a friend, like telling a story or describing what a student might have said to you about uniform

R - Rhetorical questions- This is when you ask questions to make the audience think, I would use these in the beginning and/or the end.

T - Triplets- This is when you might sya words or sentences 3 time eg, proffesional, knowledgable and successful these are some of the qualities we want to achieve and uniforms can help us achieve our goals in life"

E - Emotive language- Here you use words that are emotional in a positive or negative way, you can use an online thesaurus to find better words that mean the same thing

R - Repitition- When you repeat words or sentences
S - Statistics- These also mean facts but explained in more detail about how the research might have been done.

I hope this helps, please have a look at mine!

Undergraduate / "Hahaha" by Halle - personal details, goals, or obstacles about yourself [4]

I enjoyed reading this very much, I continued reading and usually it takes something really good to keep me reading :) great job, it was amusing and i bet it will stand out from other college applications!

Please check mine out:)

Undergraduate / 'troop of cheeky boys' - Descriptive writtng: Childrens birthday party [21]

Anyone have any other feedback?

Writing Feedback / Many Teachers assign homeworks to student everyday. Homework = Progress? [6]

Ha you know Russian! Me too! :) how did you know that I know Russian? was it my name?

Undergraduate / 'troop of cheeky boys' - Descriptive writtng: Childrens birthday party [21]

Well I am not really British, I have lived here for 2 years, I travel a lot so I learn to get used to the places and the school systems in all the different countries. And I always knew English because they thought it in Dubai-when I was a girl when I lived there-and most people speak English there.

Undergraduate / 'troop of cheeky boys' - Descriptive writtng: Childrens birthday party [21]

No you are probably refering to the amarican grading system. Here in UK when people say Year nine they mean grade nine. I wrote the whole essay independently.

Essays / essay considering the relationship between my name and my identity - start? [10]

Well i could help you write the piece but I do not know anything about you, your culture, and your identity so I can't write this or give much help either...

You could just write about the definition of your name(search online) and explain the comparison between your name and your identity (personality, lifestyle) you could mention some personal story explaining briefly your culture or the place you were brought up in.

Please review mine :)

Undergraduate / 'I can earn a degree in Marketing' - reasons you want to attend Virginia Tech? [4]

This is nicely written.
I think maybe adding some of your career goals and explaining how important education is to you may make it sound like you are more passionate about reaching your goals, and getting a higher education.

Please review mine :)

Undergraduate / 'troop of cheeky boys' - Descriptive writtng: Childrens birthday party [21]

Yes I have to admit I was struggling with the last paragraph do you have any suggestions in how I could end it or what I could mention in the last paragraph to introduce the ending? help would be highly appreciated

Undergraduate / 'making and decorating a cake' - Common app short answer [6]

This is quite a good, brief piece of text that is actually quite intresting to read, it makes me want to find out more about you, which is good. But I am not sure on the topic so I can't really give any suggestions to how it may be improved. What is the topic and how long does it have to be?

Take a look at mine when you have the time

Undergraduate / 'troop of cheeky boys' - Descriptive writtng: Childrens birthday party [21]

Here is my full writen description :)

The room was filled with delicate ornaments that were garnished with affection. Balloons glide across the brightly painted ceiling; in all the colours of the rainbow. Sequined confetti filled the atmosphere; the children were astonished at the glitter that poured down like an immense waterfall. There stood a vast, majestic table that had a wonderful selection of foods. The table also had a large modern vase, which was filled with the most extravagant and unusual flowers; lavender, cypress, dahlia. Their refreshing scent filled the air. A big ribbon had been tied with care on each of the affectionately wrapped presents that lay peacefully in the corner, waiting to be opened. Nearby a group of girls quietly whispered, curious to know what was hidden inside them. They point towards a floral patterned casing, with beautiful ribbons of all different colours. Their eyes gleam in awe. Other children were running, playing and screaming with glee.

Outside, the thrill of excitement filled the summer breeze; the magnificent weather had put a smile on the children's faces. A giant, yet tremendous bouncy castle was the main attraction to the youngsters. Some sat cross-legged in the corner of the castle whispering precious secrets to each other, while others cheered and yelled with their friends in a joyous state. A funny man stood beside the bouncy castle selling balloons to a group of giddy girls, and they were laughing hysterically at his jokes. A concealed troop of cheeky boys hid behind large tree, they held water balloons in their hands. They launched them in all directions and waited for amusing reactions, but the victims just screeched and ran after them...

....Families and trustworthy friends were gathered around a big and shallow fountain. They held pennies tightly in their fists, while they closed their eyes and made a wish. They then made a big blow on the coin one last time and flipped it until it dropped into the water. The fountain floor was over-crowded with silver and golden coins, beneath them were multi-coloured mosaics, almost invisible to the naked eye.

The sound of faint, distant bells rang in our ears. Children stopped skipping; running or causing mischief instead all of them ran towards the party hall. "Cake, Cake!!"- They cheered with bright and sunny grins on their faces. The girls ran swiftly, their beautiful gowns with soft ruffles, float past with elegance. Pearls and crystals were carefully embroidered on each of the luxurious dresses. The boys briskly ran across the freshly cut grass. They were smartly dressed in checked shirts and a range of different ties. They all made it towards the finish line! They were so lively and optimistic. They looked at the beautiful masterpiece in front of them. Their taste buds were tingling just at the sight of this irresistible delicacy. The chocolate cake was covered with a sweet sugar paste, and hand-decorated with dainty roses. There were snow-white swirls going around the finely decorate cake. The birthday girl was about to cut the cake. She pierced the perfect cake with her sharp knife; it was oozing with indulgent chocolate. Everyone took a slice for themselves; some even had three or four, seeing as it was so delicious.

It was getting late. It was getting dark, millions of stars shone in the navy blue sky. It was time to say our goodbyes, to friends and families. Memories like this one will forever stay in our hearts.

Please give feedback :) and i will return the favour

Undergraduate / 'troop of cheeky boys' - Descriptive writtng: Childrens birthday party [21]

Yifei, thank you for your great feedback. "Giant yet tremendous" means that the bouncy caslte is big but very eye-catching/amazing.

I will read your essays now.

Undergraduate / "Happy birthday dear brother" - common app essay [7]

My advice is to read through the essay again and correct any errors that you think you have found... it did get a bit boring to read but you can use an online thesaurus to polish some words up and better yet you can learn new words and use them next time (but try to avoid too much repetition)

Can you please review mine?

Writing Feedback / Many Teachers assign homeworks to student everyday. Homework = Progress? [6]

Abed, I hope you don't mind me correcting you but a teacher is not an animal or thing, therefore I think you should prevent called them it-"each teacher has it's own methods"

I might be wrong but that is just my opinion

Undergraduate / 'If I did not come to America'..' - application essay to PDS [9]

Great read! This is written to a very high standard. I dod not see any mistakes or errors in your essay. Wonderful!

Please read mine too

Essays / I have to do an essay on diversity and need some help. How do I start? [4]

Here are some suggestions (choose one of them, so that way you don't cram everything into a 100 word essay!):

- Mention what diversity means to you and how it has affected your life
- Talk about how you think things might be with and without diversity

I hope this helps ;)
Can you read mine?

Undergraduate / 'troop of cheeky boys' - Descriptive writtng: Childrens birthday party [21]

Thank you so much for these tips, any other feedback you would like to share?
I am working on the rest of this but I'm not sure what else I can describe, my dad said that maybe I could describe some sounds, and touch... any other ideas :)

Give me some more tips on how I can improve my overall writing skills.

Undergraduate / (Wheaton people / Caring community) - short supplemental answer [5]

I think this is great, you show passion towards the college which shows that you are a bright student that is willing to learn. You even mentioned a personal text about your previous schooling which is very important.

Undergraduate / 'to get knowledge of arts and social sciences' - Providence College [3]

This is wonderful! Beautifully written, it was a pleasure to read... I loved it!

You should definately get admission to the institute! If you don't I will DIE!! :D
Wish you the best of luck!

Undergraduate / 'troop of cheeky boys' - Descriptive writtng: Childrens birthday party [21]

Wll I was born in Ukraine but i was mostly brought up in Dubai as I lived there for 7 years...but now I lived in England for the last 2 years I move countries a lot.

Why were you asking?

Writing Feedback / 'children are free' - TOEFL- the happiest time of a person's life. [3]

I like this it was very intresting to read. I enjoyed it a lot. Becareful though, there are some grammar mistakes and spelling errors overall it is a very good educative piece.

I am not that good at my english writing so i just practiced more and i got better and better, im not saying that i am amazing, just practice and you will see that you have improved your english writing skills.

Writing Feedback / 'the new supermarket in Garlsdon town positions' - Cambridge IELTS 5 writing [3]

I like it you described the map well. My only suggestion is that maybe you could explain the last sentence... Why is the distance and population are an advantage? How can the location vary the popularity of the supermarket?

To sum up, - I think "In conclusion" sound better and more profesional.

both 2 sites for the new supermarket have their own advantages,- This sounds a bit muddled, since you wrote "both 2" both already means two so you don't need to write 2 in front of it. I think you could write it like this "Both planned sites for the new supermarket have thier own advantages...

I think the distance and population will be the factors that influence the final decision to build a supermarket- maybe mention why the distance and population is so important? How can the location vary the popularity of the supermarket?

I hope my feedback was helpful :D

Please give some comments on my written essays/ texts

Writing Feedback / IELTS - watching events on television? - 'comfort of home' [3]

This is a very good piece it makes the reader want to read more. It was very educational :)

Are you writting/ practicing for an IELTS, if you want another topic here is a good one with a sample
- Modern Society, here are some points you could talk about our society and how modern development has changed our planet<

Hope it helps

Undergraduate / 'troop of cheeky boys' - Descriptive writtng: Childrens birthday party [21]

Thank you so much for your great tips do you think it is good enough for a year 9 because I am lacking a bit behind in my class and we were given this task as our homework.

I apprieciate the fact that you took the time to read my piece :)

- This the improved version from your feedback:

The room was filled with delicate ornaments that were garnished with affection. Balloons glide across the brightly painted ceiling; in all the colours of the rainbow. Sequined confetti filled the atmosphere; the children were astonished at the glitter that poured down like an immense waterfall. There stood a vast, majestic table that had a wonderful selection of foods. The table also had a large modern vase, which was filled with the most extravagant and unusual flowers; lavender, cypress, dahlia. Their refreshing scent filled the air. A big ribbon had been tied with care on each of the affectionately wrapped presents that lay peacefully in the corner, waiting to be opened. Nearby a group of girls quietly whispered, curious to know what was hidden inside them. They point towards a floral patterned casing, with beautiful ribbons of all different colours. Their eyes gleam in awe. Other children were running, playing and screaming with glee.

READ BELOW

If you have some more feedback, I will be so very thankful :)
By the way if I entered this for GCSE what level do you think i might get.

Writing Feedback / Deficient water resources: causes and solutions [9]

I think this is a great piece you have used excellent vocabulary.
You have explained the causes and solutions very well, and it makes the reader think.

My only suggestion to improving is that mabye when you use words like First, secondly, finally,etc. you could change it and make the text stand out more by using words like,

- In addition to
- However
- Whereas
- Last but not least...

Do you get what I mean... my english teacher thought us this trick in secondary school.
But the piece is great. :)
Can you please read mine and give me some feedback on my descriptive writing.

Undergraduate / "You're childish" - Essay about nature of natural sciences [4]

Really nice essay, i do not think i have any suggestions for improving this because in my opinion it is perfectly and well written...

Good luck in your school/college work :)