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Posts by lrnsmith09
Joined: Dec 6, 2008
Last Post: Mar 10, 2009
Threads: 5
Posts: 11  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 16
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Jan 12, 2009
Undergraduate / "After I took a psychology course..." - University of Texas at Austin Essay [10]

Hi! Need some help with one of my final college essays! Does the essay fit the prompt, is it grammatically sound? Please be very honest! This is the most important essay I will ever write. Thanks!

Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

My junior year I read in article in TIME magazine, I was taking an advanced placement psychology course at the time and I figured it would make an interesting paper for my final exam. The article was called America's Medicated Army; it was an in depth look at how the American military deals with the mental health of active soldiers. Soldiers who were seeking mental help from military doctors were being diagnosed with depression after one consultation. The doctors would give them(vague) antidepressants or antianxiety pills and send them back to front where they were needed. After reading this article I began researching the topic online. I came across numerous stories of soldiers and how they were afraid to tell their superiors about the psychological problems they were experiencing for fear of being punished or ridiculed. Soldiers who were suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, and anxiety were being dishonorably discharged because they couldn't carry out their assigned duties, and some didn't receive the help they needed until they hit rock bottom; meaning they attempted suicide or began abusing a substance.

I was shocked to read about soldiers who had confided in their superior officers about having suicidal thoughts and instead of receiving the help they needed they were hazed by both their superiors and their fellow soldiers. Through all the articles I read in various newspapers I began to notice a trend: all of them stated that the amount of soldiers suffering from what the military refers to as "stress injuries" greatly outnumbered the amount of military mental-health workers available.

While researching this particular issue I began to think about friends of mine who had become soldiers, who had joined the military because they wanted to protect their country. It made me proud that they were courageous enough to risk both their mental and physical health to serve our country to best of their ability. At the same time I was saddened by the idea that our country was not serving them in the same way. The significance of this issue to me is that it helped me to realize what I want to do with my passion for psychology. It motivated me to pursue the career of a psychologist and helped me find a unique way in which I could serve the soldiers who have given so much to protect our freedom.
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / just a quick question about admission essay formats [9]

Im pretty sure when uploading documents you can go either way, usually the website or application your are uploading to will change them to fit their format anyway, so either way it doesn't really matter. Personally I upload mine single spaced so that I'm not alarmed when my essay looks different : )

hope this helps!
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / "orchestra class" - UVA Supplemental Essay [5]

This is a different essay but it is still a UVA supplement so I am posting it under the same thread : )

"We might say that we were looking for global schemas, symmetries, universal and unchanging laws - and what we have discovered is the mutable, the ephemeral, the complex." Support or challenge Nobel Prize winner Ilya Prigogine's assertion.

And the essay:
Like snowflakes no two people are alike, so why do we attempt to categorize people into groups? Why do we feel the need to generalize the causes of different situations? Why can't we just accept the mutable ephemerality of the world? We choose not to acknowledge the subjectivity of the world so that we can maintain a certain level of comfort. These underlying organizational patterns that we construct are merely a security blanket to shield us from the reality that the only thing that is absolute, that we can always count on - is change. The search for global schemas, symmetries, and universal and unchanging laws is a fruitless one. In order to be united and to live in harmony with one another we must not search for a way to categorize each other or generalize why people react to certain stimuli in a certain way, but learn that every person has their own "sui generis" or a unique reality that cannot be made to be a part of a wider concept.

What I need help with:
Does it adress the prompt?
Is it gramatically sound?
Does it sound like its finished?
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / I'M A THUG-Common App Essay-My FIRST draft. [40]

Wow, to me this is a really well written essay, it flowed really nicely. Can't you just put it under the personal statement topic in the essay section?
Dec 27, 2008
Undergraduate / "orchestra class" - UVA Supplemental Essay [5]

I haven't quite finished it yet but I was wondering if I could get someone's opinion on what I have so far.
Here's the prompt:
What work of art,science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you and in what way?

And here is the intro to my essay:

There I was sitting in orchestra classs playing one of the most beautiful instruments know to man and all I could think was "why is this happening to me?" I couldn't fathom why some would write a piece as popular as Canon in D and completely desregard the depth and resonance that the sound of the cello carries. My teacher tried to console me, tried to reassure me that my part was as important as any other and that one mistake from me and the whole piece would be ruined,but I could'nt hear him. All I could here was the beautiful melodies that the violons and violas were playing dancing thourhg the air and seemingly mocking me and my eight continuous quarter notes...

Am I off to a good start? do you think it adresses the prompt?

Dec 19, 2008
Undergraduate / NYU Supplement (trait+New York City) [4]

I need someone to look over these before I send them in.
It's a 500 character limit so they might seem a little choppy.

Describe a trait or characteristic that has been passed along to you by your family. Tell us why you like or dislike this aspect of yourself.

A trait that has been passed onto me by my family is my persistence. When I set my sights on something I continue to pursue it until I achieve it. I dislike this quality about myself because it causes me to lose focus of the greater picture. When this happens I have to force myself to step back and reevaluate what my goal is, why I am trying to achieve it, and how it will contribute to my long-term goal. Through dealing with my persistence I have learned the importance of self evaluation.

New York City is an essential element of academic and cultural life at NYU. If you could engage in an activity or start a club or service organization at NYU, what would it be and how would you envision it impacting the larger community?

If I could start a service organization at NYU it would be a community outreach program that would allow teenagers, age 13-18, of all socioeconomic backgrounds to come and participate in a forum in which the can discuss their thoughts and ideas on issues that are important to them. It would have a strong impact on the community because it would teach and allow for teenagers to advocate for themselves and learn to better articulate their opinions on different topics that matter to them.

You have been selected to sing in a talent show. What song would you choose? Why?

If I could sing any song in a talent show, I would sing "Eye of The Tiger" by Survivor. I would choose to sing this song for several reasons: it is very well known, it is extremely entertaining, and everybody loves to hear that magnificent guitar solo in the beggining of the song. For me Eye of the Tiger represents the attitude that people should have when going up against adversity. They should be determined, focused, and passionate about what they want.

Please tell us what led you to select your anticipated academic program and/or NYU school/college, and what interests you most about your intended discipline.

My junior year of high school I had an amazing AP Psychology teacher. Her name was Amy Hill and she taught the class in such a hands on way that I couldn't help but fall in love with the subject of Psychology. Eventually I want to be able to apply Psychology to helping police officers and soldiers who have been through traumatizing situations. What interests me the most about psychology is how powerful emotions are and how much of an effect they have on our every day lives.

Dec 6, 2008
Undergraduate / 'I am the youngest of two.' - College Essay Rough Draft, someone influencial. [2]

I just completed my first college essay and I was wondering if someone could look over it for me.

Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence:

I am the youngest of two. I have an older brother named Michael, and even though I am his baby sister he has always treated me like a little brother. That's how I grew up, playing games like kickball, and basketball during recess in elementary school, then bloody knuckles and burping contests during lunch in middle school. I was always the first girl picked for teams during my formative years and I loved helping my dad, whether he was changing the oil on his motorcycle, or building a bookshelf for the living room. I was a tomboy in every sense of the word.

I didn't really get in touch with my "feminine" side until I was in the summer of my 9th grade year. I remember walking through the library looking for one more book to complete my huge stack. I decided that this time I wanted to read something a little more mature (seeing how I was officially in High School). I put my books down and I began to examine the revolving stand that was filled with every piece of classic literature ever written. One book in particular caught my eye. The cover was boring; it had a picture of an extremely pale, slightly chubby woman wearing a white dress on the front, but the book itself looked tattered and worn out, I figured that meant that lots of people had read it and that it would be a good place to start and I added it to my pile of books. Three weeks later after I had worked my way through all of my Stephen King novels, and the first couple of Cirque Du Freak books, I found my self face to face with the pale chubby lady again. I began to read it and after a couple of false starts, I was deeply embedded in the fictional world of Netherfield Park. I was entranced by the romance between Mr. Bingley and Elizabeth's sister Jane and I enjoyed the verbal sparring between the brooding Mr. Darcy, and the prideful Elizabeth. As I continued to read about the misadventures of the Bennet girls' and their friends, I began to notice that I had a lot in common with the second to oldest Bennet girl. We both preferred to be being active outdoors, and we never were the kind of girl to stand on the sideline during a game, whether or not we were supposed to play. We both enjoyed activities other than sewing or playing with dolls (Elizabeth preferred reading, and I loved movies), and we both were very stubborn. As strange as it may sound I related to Elizabeth more than anyone else that I knew.

Elizabeth taught me a lot that summer. She taught me how to be uncompromising when it came to my moral judgment through her confrontation with Darcy's fiendish aunt Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Then how to be humble, when she apologized to her best friend Charlotte for judging her relationship with the somewhat pompous Mr. Collins, and again when she apologized to Darcy for judging him before she really knew him. As Elizabeth grew and evolved as a character, I grew and evolved as a person.

By the end of that summer alone I had read Pride and Prejudice twice. Elizabeth helped me to realize several important things. First, that the morals and codes that I set for myself are extremely important and that nobody had the right to make me break them or question them. Second, that humbleness is a key part of being a good person and that everybody makes mistakes, but what really counts is how you deal with them. And finally, that if I was true to myself, that I would truly be happy. Now that I'm a senior I look back and I am thankful that I discovered that book with the pale chubby lady that I have come to know as Elizabeth. I know that the lessons she taught me will stick with me for a lifetime.

Thanks for your help!
Dec 6, 2008
Book Reports / Finally, an end has been brought to the reign of Macbeth; Macbeth power struggle [9]

To start off I would like to say that this is a very detailed, and well done plot summary. The only problem this paper seems to have is that their is very little analysis of the question proposed in the prompt. Try and use the quotes that you think support the point you are trying to prove.

Basically, less summary, more of your own opinions and analysis.
Dec 6, 2008
Undergraduate / "What is your favorite word and Why?" - UVA how to start this essay? [10]

I have to write an essay on the topic of "What is your favorite word and Why?". I have NO idea as to how to approach this essay, should I choose a word that is honest and possibly a little edgy or should I pick a safer word?