Undergraduate / LMU essay (risks in finding yourself) - in progress. [5]

I'm halfway through my LMU essay and I'll post it here as soon as I'm finished. But as I'm writing it, I'm wondering how long is this supposed to be? Did anyone else apply to Loyola Marymount?? I didn't see any word restrictions...

In his homily at the Class of 2005's Baccalaureate Mass, LMU's President Fr. Robert Lawton, S.J., said: ''so what is the answer to this deep insecurity we all feel? The answer, I think, is to embrace the adventure of becoming deeply, and fully, ourselves. This is what God is really calling us to. It seems like the riskiest of all journeys, this journey to be one self. But it's ultimately the journey that leads us to happiness, that leads us into God's dreams for us.'' Why do you think Fr. Lawton says the ''journey to be oneself'' seems the riskiest of all journeys? What risks lie ahead in your college career as you embark on the ''adventure'' of discovering and becoming yourself?

Every so often, I try to imagine what my life will be like in ten years. I never quite know how far I should let my imagination take me. At 28 years old, I could be married, living in a house in sunny Los Angeles. Or I might be living in a flat in New York, pursuing one of my dreams as a photographer or artist. Maybe I'll move to Italy and spend my days writing a book in a café. The point is, I have no idea where I'm going to be, what I'll be doing, who I will become. There are so many opportunities out there, and it's impossible to know ahead of time which path I'll end up choosing. Does this uncertainty make me insecure? A little bit, maybe. But I also find that element of surprise one of the most exciting things about life.

The truth is, I don't know exactly who I am. Sure, there's the obvious answer: I'm an eighteen-year-old girl, a senior at Punahou School. I like making art and wearing oversized sunglasses. I listen to music all the time, memorize lyrics to songs in minutes, and sing every day of my life. I cry when I laugh, I play a lot of video games, and I have a passion for black-and-white photography. I have been dancing hula since I was seven years old. This is all a part of me, but this is nowhere near close to who I really am. To "discover" myself, I want to explore and begin to understand every thought, feeling, notion, idea and inspiration that passes through my mind, deciding what's important and what's not, and making critical life decisions based on those discoveries. Each discovery and decision I make will influence my "journey" in life. I know, however, that one risk I face is in being completely honest with myself and with others. There is also risk in finding a path and profession that I can truly love and be passionate about. Too many people fall into corporate traps and end up spending their life doing a job that they hate; but after working the same job for so long, they are afraid to change tracks and start over.

Then there's the outside pressure to know who you are. Human nature drives us to find a place where we belong. The stereotypes that our society has created provide an easy solution. To belong to a group is an outward statement that you know who you are. Some people cling to this security. They settle into their niche, proud that they can say they know who they are. In time, when they realize that they've changed and don't fit into their group as well as they once did, they're afraid to admit it; they don't want to go through the process of trying to find themselves again. So they stay in their comfortable lifestyle - which completely defeats the purpose of 'discovering and becoming yourself'. This is another risk of trying to discover who I am...taking the "safe" path and not pushing myself in new directions.

When I came to Punahou School in sixth grade, I transferred from a school of 400 to one with over 3700 students and I hardly knew anyone. I clung to the few people I recognized, a couple of childhood playmates that I'd gone to pre-kindergarten with. Although we'd been best friends, we had completely changed. They spent their time gossiping and putting makeup on each other; most of my friends were guys and I didn't know the first thing about makeup. But I was shy, and with no one else to go to, I stayed with the group, maintaining a quiet smile in the corner of the room. This was not who I was, and I knew it. But I stayed, nonetheless, until I finally made some new friends.

My group of friends today is a random mix of personalities and backgrounds. Some are shy and some outgoing; some love to sing and play guitar, and others excel at sports. A few people spend all their time studying, while others spend most of their time partying. We're all so different, and yet we get along and we all respect and care for each other. My friends help to define who I am, and a good way to learn more about me is too see me interact with other people that I know and love. From this experience, I've learned that another big risk in become one's self is that it's important to reach out and make new friends, try new experiences, surround myself with people I like and trust and can learn from.

I have no idea what will happen in the future, but I know that I will remain open to change and new experiences. Although I can't say where I'll end up, I plan to live by the words of Mark Twain: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Undergraduate / Why are you applying to GW? [I was there with my family on vacation] [5]

If you've read my "Why BU" essay, the first paragraph might sound familiar. I recycle essays. Don't hate. Any feedback is very very welcome.

Basic Prompt: Why are you applying to The George Washington University?
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I shuffled off the subway, trying not to run over anyone's toes with my luggage. Embarrassing. I dragged the heavy bag onto the escalator and rode up into the sunlight, seeing Washington D.C. for the first time.

I was there with my family on vacation. For three days, we toured the city, stopping at all the important places. The White House, the U.S. Capitol Building, the Washington Monument - we filled each day with a plethora of activities. I loved walking through the city and staring up at the pillared buildings towering over me. I've always wanted to live in a big city, after 18 years of living in a quiet beach town. I love the lifestyle, the mindset, the nightlife, the music scene. Washington D.C. has all these things and more.

There's also a vibe of importance that hums throughout the city. There are so many important people and so much history, and I would be honored to live so close to the people who help our country run successfully. I would be most excited to be near the White House, as The George Washington University is a mere 4 blocks away from what will soon be the home of our new president, Barack Obama. I currently attend his alma mater, and am both proud and hopeful at what he has accomplished by becoming our next president.

There are so many aspects of The George Washington University that appeal to me. For one, there are so many different paths of study that are available to students. I don't know yet what I want to study, but I know that whatever I choose to do, the school will provide a quality education and help me to become very successful. I love that the school is a city campus, and from what I've heard, the dorms are amazing.

Another aspect of GWU that I would love to be part of is the vast social network, offered through professors that have a lot of experience in their respective fields. I also realize that my future would benefit greatly from the job opportunities and internships that are made available to students through the employment office.

I believe that the George Washington University is the perfect fit for me, and I truly hope that I will have the opportunity to contribute to its future.

*edited for minor changes...

Undergraduate / USC essay - "my first camera" [7]

I'm freaking out. D: thanks so much for reading this..

The 18th century French philosopher Denis Diderot said, "Only passions, great passions can elevate the soul to great things." Describe one of your passions and reflect on how it has contributed to your personal growth.

The sizzle of water cooling molten hot glass, the swish of a paintbrush sliding along a canvas, the click of a camera shutter: these are all familiar sounds in my life. I've been making art for as long as I can remember. At the age of four, I made picture books that I would read to my parents and stuffed animal audience. At seven, I got in trouble for drawing on my wall with a permanent marker. I would take a pile of paper that was about a foot high, drag out a huge box of pens and crayons and draw for hours. My collection of pens and pencils rivaled most, and I had a huge pile of half-filled notebooks filled with doodles, stories and diary entries.

Most kids grow up with lots of art; however, over time many begin to slowly cut it out of their lives. Their fisted grip on a paintbrush is replaced with a football, a hockey stick, or a violin bow. Although I've developed other interests over the years, art has remained a passion in my life. I have been lucky to study a variety of art forms in school, and pursue art in my free time as well.

I received my first camera when I was ten years old. It was digital; a cheap blue plastic one from the toy store. I was in love with it, and took it everywhere with me. Since then, I've owned a couple of "point-and-shoot" digital cameras, but a few years ago I switched to a digital SLR: a Canon EOS Rebel XT. That summer, I lived in France for a month, taking photojournalism classes and studio art classes while learning about French culture and art. I took Photography I last summer, which allowed me access to a darkroom and introduced me to black and white film photography, something I've always been interested in. I'm enrolled in Photo II next semester. It's exciting to see the picture appear before your eyes as a blank sheet is submersed in chemicals.

Along with photography, I've also gotten the chance to learn glassblowing. Every day, I work with 2000-degree molten hot glass, letting it fall, twist, and fill with my own breath to create cups, bowls and vases. It's difficult and dangerous, but I find it thrilling.

I also frequently draw and paint in my free time. I've been inspired by artists such as Roy Lichtenstein, M.C. Escher, and Esao Andrews. I am interested in other art forms too, such as writing and music: different kinds of art, but art nonetheless. Always being surrounded by art has expanded my creativity and enhanced my life, and I'm always ready when inspiration strikes.

My photography and art skills have grown a great deal since my picture books and that little blue camera. I've found a lot more beauty in the world through my art. I've discovered that the big picture is often too crowded, too busy; it rarely makes for a good image. However, even in the ugliest setting, you can something beautiful in the details. A droplet of water hanging off of a leaf or the rust accumulating on a railing can be the subject of an excellent photo or drawing. I've learned to apply this theory to my life as well. When the "big picture" is too busy and overwhelming, I focus on details, on the little things.

Undergraduate / UW Activity Log [2]

Looking for feedback on: grammar. sentences that sound corny, stupid, unnecessary, or out-of-place. things I can cut out. overall impression.
I appreciate harsh & specific critiques. Thanks for reading ! (:

UW Activity Log: Describe up to five of the most significant activities you have participated in during grades 9-12. Why this activity had meaning for you; your highest level of achievement or honor you attained; any responsibilities you had; and the contribution you believe you made to your school, community, or organization. Don't just describe the activity: tell us what it tells us about you.

1. Club Hope / Amnesty International

In my sophomore year, my English teacher did a presentation on the genocide in Darfur. My friends and I were profoundly affected by this information and were surprised that such atrocities could be happening without us knowing about it. As a result, in my junior year, I helped found Club H.O.P.E. (Helping Other People Everywhere) at our school, in an effort to raise awareness about human rights issues around the world. We held a benefit concert, silent auction and raffle, and raised over $9000. The money was donated to Amnesty International and Genocide Intervention Network, and we were AI's highest-grossing high school in the western United States. Being in this club has taught me a lot; I've learned how to start an organization, plan and organize a big event, communicate between team members, and hold a successful fundraiser. The most important thing I've gained from these past two years of experience, however, is the appreciation I've attained for the world around us, and the pride that comes when you realize that you CAN make a difference in the world. As Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world," and we are all taking the initiative to do so.

2. Singing

I've been singing since I learned to talk. From memorizing the lyrics to every Disney song imaginable, to singing into hairbrushes and shampoo bottles, to karaoke parties and "Rock Band", singing has been a part of every day of my life. I memorize lyrics easily, and my music library consists of thousands of songs. Music has an incredible influence in my life, and my mood can change completely in a four-minute song. I've been in choir since I was in 6th grade and in sophomore year I auditioned and was accepted into Chorale, the most prestigious choir at my school, which I am still part of today. I've also taken voice lessons to improve my range and skill. Singing is one of the quintessential aspects of my life, and my dedication to choir and singing has remained constant through the years.

3. France

In the summer of 2006, my family went on a trip to Europe. In Montpellier, a small city in southern France, my family left me behind. I had enrolled in a program called The Oxbridge Experience, where students take classes and live in dorm rooms for a month in France, England or Spain. I had signed up to take photojournalism and studio art classes, and attending these every day. After classes, the days were filled with planned activities: we could go ice-skating, see an opera, go out to dinner with friends, or just stay on campus and hang out. The freedom we were given was wonderful. During the last week, we went to Paris and visited to Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, and many other famous landmarks. The four weeks I spent in France were some of the best of my life. I now have friends all over the world, from California to Singapore and Croatia, and I still talk to some of them almost every day. It's amazing how close you can become to someone in a single week; after just a few days, I felt closer to some of these people that to some people that I've known for years. In that month, I became much more outgoing and talkative. I also learned a lot, such as how to use a dSLR camera, which is a skill I've used constantly since then. I learned how to deal with language barriers (I learned Japanese in high school, and don't speak any French). And perhaps most importantly, this experience taught me how to live by myself and be more independent, as well as share a bathroom with a hallway of other people, two things I know I'll need in college. I will always be thankful for such a wonderful opportunity, and will never forget it.

4. Working with Kids

I've always been good with kids. I've been babysitting since I was in 7th grade, but before then, at events and parties, I would entertain and play with all the younger kids as well. As a sophomore, I was a counselor for sixth-grade camp. We made sure the kids were safe, led them in songs, and told ghost stories. The kids knew me as the counselor they could come to if they needed help or someone to talk to; for example, one of my campers, Kayla, got homesick on the first night and called me to sit with her until she fell asleep. Being a counselor was like babysitting 45 kids for three days straight, but I bonded with the kids and the other counselors, and had a lot of fun.

In the first quarter of my senior year, I volunteered as a Teacher's Assistant and at preschool for families who have financial difficulties. I watched the kids to make sure they were paying attention, but I also got to play with them, watch their jaws drop in awe when I unfolded a paper snowflake, and laugh at their screams of delight at a simple game of tag. I comforted them when their mothers left and they started to cry; I read them books and helped them do puzzles. It was a humbling experience, as well - it made me realize how privileged and lucky I am. By the end of the quarter, I found myself so attached to the kids that I didn't want to leave. In fact, I've gone back a couple times since then to say hi and help out. They always seem welcome for the help; I'm always willing to give it.

5. Art

When I was young, I used to take a foot-high pile of paper, stick it on the table in front of me with my crayons and markers, and draw for hours. I asked for pens, pads and notebooks for Christmas. I was always borrowing my parents' cameras, and I was ecstatic when I got a digital camera of my own - it was the kind that you bought at the toy store, nearly indestructible, and I took it everywhere. Since then, I've had a couple of "point-and-shoot" cameras, and now I have a dSLR Canon Rebel XT. My photography skill has grown since my first camera, and I've found a lot more beauty in the world through the lens of a camera. The big picture is often too crowded, too busy; it rarely makes for a good picture. However, even in the ugliest setting, you can find a beautiful picture in the details. A droplet of water hanging off of a leaf or the rust accumulating on a railing can be the subject of excellent photography. I apply this theory to my life all the time. When the "big picture" is too busy and overwhelming, I focus on details, on the little things.

I've been lucky to take several art classes at Punahou. In my foundation art class, I was awarded an art commendation. I took Photography I last summer, which allowed me access to a darkroom and introduced me to black and white film photography; I'm enrolled in Photo II next semester. I also took a photojournalism class while living in France for a month. I am currently taking glassblowing, and every day I work with 2000-degree molten glass to create cups, bowls and vases. It's difficult and dangerous, but also thrilling. Always being surrounded by art has expanded my creativity, and I'm always ready when inspiration strikes.

Undergraduate / The click of a camera shutter; NYU short answers [all five] [4]

So..I'm looking for grammar errors as well as overall feedback, I'm fully willing to change the subject completely if you think it's crap...be as harsh as you like, and as specific as possible. Thanks! (:

The click of a camera shutter was a familiar sound this summer. For six weeks, I took a photography class at my school, learning how to develop film and print pictures in a darkroom while improving my photography skills. When summer school ended, I got the chance to put those photography skills to use: we went to New York, Boston, Philadelphia and Seattle to look at colleges (including NYU), and then to Idaho to spend some time in the mountains with family.

[466/500 - would it be a good idea to add something about how NYU is my top choice here, since i have extra characters?]

The first club I would join would be Amnesty International. I already have experience working with this organization; I am one of the founders of "Club Hope" at my school; we raise awareness and money to protect human rights. Last year we raised $9000 to send to AI, making us the highest-grossing high school in the Western US. I'm passionate about this cause, and plan to continue this path in college. My ultimate goal is to impact people around me, and inspire them to make a difference too.

[495/500]

The microphone sits alone on the stage. As I walk into the spotlight, "Do You Feel" by The Rocket Summer starts to play. I begin to sing:"Do you feel the weight of the world singing sorrow/or to you is this just not real?" The lyrics speak of our tendency to forget the world's problems in lieu of our own. Just as it did for me the first time I heard it, this song would hopefully move people enough for them to, in the words of Gandhi, "be the change they wish to see in the world."

[484/500]

I am applying to NYU as an undecided major, currently considering psychology and music business. I've always been interested in Psychology, and I took the AP course last year. Our minds work in amazing ways, but it was easy to understand the theories and ideas and relate them to everyday life. I would also love to be involved in the music industry. Music has been a quintessential aspect of my life for as long as I can remember. For both paths, I'm confident that NYU would be the perfect choice.

[499/500]

My mom has lots of friends. She always goes out of her way to help them, helping to prepare for a party or taking them out when they're going through hard times. Like her, I'll do anything to help out a friend. When they need a shoulder to cry on or just a friend to talk to, I'll always do my best to be there. Even when I'm having a bad day, I set my problems aside to help a friend with theirs. It's hard at times, but the feeling that you've made someone's day better is always worth the effort.

[499/500]

Undergraduate / Why BU? (the opportunity for the students) [13]

"Students consider many different factors when applying to college. Briefly discuss who or what influenced your decision to apply to Boston University. [2000char]"

I shuffled off the T, trying not to run over anyone's toes with my luggage. Embarrassing. I dragged the heavy bag onto the escalator and rode up into the sunlight, seeing Boston for the first time.

We had reserved the first day of our trip for sightseeing. After taking a trolley tour to all the famous historical landmarks and randomly wandering the city, I felt like I belonged there. In one day, Boston had become my favorite city. I've always known that I wanted to go to college in a big city. I love the mindset, the people, the shopping, the music scene. Until this summer's trip, I'd had New York in mind. However, Boston's friendlier and less frantic vibe held more appeal for me.

The next day, the college tours began. Boston University our first stop, and it clicked with me instantly. One of the main attractions was the campus itself, the way it melts right into the rest of the city. I also liked the large size of BU's student body. Visiting the campus was enormously helpful, and I felt the innate realization that I belonged there already. I fell in love with the brownstone housing and lush apartment options. As my tour guide raved about broomball, I had the sudden urge to take part in this sport that I'd never heard of.

I was impressed with the FYSOP program that BU offers. This year, I did community service through my school, working with preschoolers, which was an experience that I loved and learned a lot from. I'm very excited about the opportunity to partake in community service around Boston and meet new students at the same time.

Another aspect of BU that I would love to be part of is the vast social network, offered through professors that have a lot of experience in their respective fields. I also realize that my future would benefit greatly from the job opportunities that are made available to BU students through the student employment office.

I believe BU is a perfect fit for me and sincerely hope I will have the opportunity to contribute to its future.

Any comments are very welcome. Be as harsh as you like, and as specific as possible. Thanks! (:
Oh, and also - I have like, 300 more characters before I hit 2000. Should I add a conclusion of some sort? It feels unfinished but I have no idea how to wrap it up.

Undergraduate / Hula has always been one of my passions; COMMON APP: DECISIONS [8]

Common App:

Spotlights swirl, beams of light sliding across the floor. The hula dancers are illuminated, but it's our smiles that brighten the room. Live music emulates from stacked speakers: the rhythmic strums of ukuleles and voices that fit together in perfect harmonies. Costumes range from sleek silk dresses to elaborate headdresses to skirts made of fresh ti leaves. A royal court - a queen, and eight princesses to represent each of the Hawaiian Islands - sits poised in the back of the stage, watching each dance. Every song tells a story through every dancer's hands, motions, and expressions. This is Holoku, my school's annual May Day show.

I've been in Holoku every year since 7th grade. Hula has always been one of my passions. I've found that I'm at peace when I'm dancing. It feels normal, not awkward; it flows. It's one of the times in my life where I know I can be graceful. I've been dancing hula since I was seven years old, not only learning the dance but also about ancient Hawaiian traditions, culture, and language. Now my life is full of unique memories, and my closet is full of old Holoku costumes, among them a bright blue cellophane skirt and the dress I wore as a princess in the court my sophomore year.

Last year, we started up in November as usual. I was placed in a ballad dance and made it into the more selective Tahitian group. Every Saturday, I spent hours at school learning my dances, helping the directors choreograph the next verse of the dance, and learning other group's dances - all because of my love for hula and excitement for the upcoming performance. As Holoku drew nearer, our costumes were ordered. I began to make my costume for Tahitian, and helped friends make theirs. A week before Holoku, my stress level was running high as we went through final rehearsals and I juggled my time between school work, choir concerts, and Holoku preparations. During that same week, I also found out that my 93 year old grandma in Idaho was sick and getting sicker, and my family was worried.

Three days before Holoku, I got a call from my dad, who was on the mainland. "Gran-Gran passed away last night in her sleep," he said. I stared into nothing, unable to process this information, but he kept talking: "We scheduled the funeral for this Saturday and in order for you to be here, you'll need to fly to Idaho tonight." I translated the worried tone in his voice immediately: he'd scheduled the funeral for the day of my performance, and wasn't sure how I'd react. My silence communicated my understanding. "It's your choice, Lauren. You can stay in Hawaii for Holoku, or you can come with us to the funeral."

Many faced with this dilemma wouldn't have had to think twice to make a decision. But this was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, made harder by the fact that I had only hours to make it. On one hand, I couldn't understand why my dad had scheduled the funeral for Saturday, when he knew I had been preparing for this one day for months. Formations were set, and to leave so soon before the show would leave a hole in every formation. I didn't want to let down the directors by leaving with such short notice. On the other hand, this was my grandmother. We hadn't really been close, but I still loved her a lot. I realized there was no way I could miss her funeral, so I called my directors and told them that I was very sorry, but I would have to drop out of Holoku. That night, I tucked my unused costumes into the back of my closet and left for the airport.

At the funeral on Saturday, I glanced at the program that had been printed. Halfway down the list of events, I read my name, followed by 'hula tribute'. My grandmother had loved to watch me dance hula, so I had agreed to perform for her funeral. I stood up from my seat in the front row and turned to face the rows of solemn faces. It was hard to keep the confident smile on my face, so opposite from everyone else's. Then the music started, and I settled into the comfortable movements, the ones I'd been rehearsing constantly over the last months. I had chosen to dance the same song that I'd learned for this year's Holoku program. As I danced, I knew I had made the right decision, and that my grandma was watching me from wherever she was. Although I was sad to miss Holoku, all the hours I had put to work were not, in fact, in vain. My performance that night, dedicated to my grandmother, was a million times more meaningful than dancing in Holoku could ever be.

THANKS FOR READING!
A couple questions -- My dad says this is not enough about me; how can I make it more so? Or, do you think it is fine?

Since you have no idea what Holoku is, is my explanation good? Too much?
If it's too wordy, can you give suggestions for corrections?
As well as grammar, etc...
Thanks (: