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Posts by Opara [Suspended]
Joined: Jun 26, 2012
Last Post: Jun 28, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 14  
From: Nigeria

Displayed posts: 15
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Opara   
Jun 28, 2012
Speeches / True Love poem - definition of love? [15]

(mostly used BY guys)

it is US (not we) the teenagers....

Poem??

Okay. See what? Only ask yourself questions. Not the reader..make some sort of rhymes.

Add this: THEY SAY LOVE IS BLIND, BUT MINE IS DEAF. Deaf to gossips,wars, hatred. Then I realize love should be deaf!
Good blog there!!
Opara   
Jun 27, 2012
Undergraduate / lower income communities- the factors that influenced your decision to choose nursing [2]

My dream of(not on) becoming a nurse started when I became a mother.

We needed help(add a comma), and help came (period).

But this nurse became my hero.

Nursing career can be very stressful and I'm ready for that. (HOW DO WE KNOW THAT?) add an anecdote here.
Being a nurse means making someones...

For me, becoming a nurse...

Well, well.. I get your point but I got bored soon. Your essay is just expository. Who doesn't know who a nurse is? Or what a nurse does and where he/she goes to?

Turn your essay to a descriptive(afterall it's what the prompt requested), narrative type. So it can tie my eyes down. Intensely describe the actions of the nurse that affected you. Make me feel them too.

Strenghten your opening and last sentences. They are flat. You just can do better than this.

PS: I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE HARSH. I was just trying to help you polish your essay. GOODLUCK WITH YOUR ESSAY,FRIEND. Hope to see the rewritten version!
Opara   
Jun 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / My life changed the morning I witnessed my friend have a diabetic seizure. [5]

Try to connect the event to emotions. If you can make the adcoms feel the same way you felt, then You're doing it!

Also stitch up the closure with a personal thread. Connect it to Your boyfriend's seizure. It will come off with a forceful punch.. We await you new thread. Goodluck.

Moderator and friends,Please look at mine.
Opara   
Jun 27, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: 1 and 2 (How I found myself & overcame depression) [12]

NOW TO REDUCE WORDS.

In first essay:
I learned(add comma) but I really(or actually) wasn't enjoying it. My sociology course was easier than that of philosophy(use period instead of semicolon) Asian philosophy. . .

I had so much to write about assignments(this is shorter but bears the same idea)

I spontenously changed majors in the first day of my second semester(shorter)

. . . Ego-centric (delete the dash. It's a word)

SECOND ESSAY: SUPERB..

I could only see the following flaw in the revised version: I've always consider(add ED) myself. . .

Nice work!
Opara   
Jun 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / Persuasive essay - Why you should exercise [4]

More than (not that) 1.6 billion...

" it's proven that exercising can improve self-esteem and confidence" THIS IS TOO WEAK FOR A PERSUASIVE ESSAY. Citation would hit it harder. Try citing, to convince your prof.

PLEASE HAVE A LOOK AT MY ESSAY..
Opara   
Jun 27, 2012
Undergraduate / 'About Jerry' - common app - Describe a fictional character and its influence. [10]

Yea dumi. Senators, governors and Vcs unbelievably control that percentage of admitted students in Nigeria. That was what I meant..

Ok dumi, I'm gonna improve on that. But sincerely, I'm bad on keyboards... What a
bout the general idea?

THANKS. I'm grateful.MORE CRITICS PLEASE.
Opara   
Jun 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

DELETE: "in contrast, a week foundation will bring about the downfall of a nation".
It's verbose.

DELETE: "I THANK MY FOUNDING FATHERS FOR PROVIDING A STRONG FOUNDATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS" from your 5th paragraph. It's just repetitive.

Nice idea though. But add anecdotes. It will help SHOW.

View my essay pleeease. I'M NEW..
Opara   
Jun 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'About Jerry' - common app - Describe a fictional character and its influence. [10]

I'm new to this place. Members of this forum just act like they have a blood bond. helping on essays.
I am a Nigerian and applying for the 2013 fall...This is my essay on fictional character and i sometimes feel it's childish. Is it? it is slighly more than 500 WORDS.

please, any comment will be accepted whether harsh or mild..Thanks in advance.

JERRY

"No way! that just can't be! It's impossible!"

I remember announcing that on my ninth birthday before our only new television.A rat, headed for cheese,was padlocked in an oven and it just forked open a space, enough for it to escape; it still got on the cheese! Being acutely curious, I remember asking from my dad to my street-peers of how Jerry have done that. I kept getting unsatisfying answers, but my teacher gave me an answer that quenched my quest. "for every story, there's always a good part. Look beyond Jerry's treachery; call on the inner peace, always.OK?", she whispered.Until I became a boarding student, I never missed Tom an Jerry.

Though dad never stopped criticizing Jerry for being sadistic and violent, I took on my teacher's words. Jerry surprisingly lifted objects that I could never lift. In one of the TV series; Tom shot at Jerry who after been hit by the first bullet, jumped on the second bullet.It rode on the bullet to its destination and still switched off a jet programmed for destruction.Jerry was a die hard. I, for the first time, learned to see issues beneath its periphery and see them as a personal jet.

Before the monitor, tears skated on my cheeks. I had been rejected by the only school I could apply to, Berea College. Since graduating in 2010, I have not entered college. My country's system of admission has been awkward. Secondarily because of few universities for millions of applicants. But primarily because of favoritism: senators, governors and vice chancellors nominated 90% of those to be admitted. Usually unqualified relatives.

In 2011, when I learned of Biomedical Engineering in the US, I saved my monthly allowance of #4000($26) for four months to register for the SAT. My parents had grudgingly sponsored the mailing of my application. But there I was, in the cyber cafe staring at my rejection notification. "How will I ever study Biomedical Engineering when it is not offered in my country's universities?"."maybe dad was right. He said i could never study abroad since we were indigent besides my never being capable of matching the intelligence of the whites". My thoughts roamed wildly and my tears never ceased. Failure's bullets became intense. However, I printed my fate and dragged my feet home.

I sought consolation in all my written songs but they were weeping too. For the first time, music disappointed me. "Maybe, I'm destined to end with an associate degree like my parents". "Must I die in this ghetto, without exploring other cultures?". Thoughts of my class mates in college added pepper to my wound. "Perhaps, it's my destiny" , I muttered on my bed where I decided not to ever think of studying abroad.

In April, as I supervised mum's school, I overheard some of my pupils telling of Tom an Jerry. My once loved TV series reincarnated . My teacher's words echoed in my brains and surged up hope but Jerry's actions catalyzed it. subsequently, I've learned to remember Jerry when adversities get extreme. I registered Jerry's actions in my soul since I remembered it.

From failure to failure; with a borrowed $200 dollars, I've registered for the October SAT s. For like Jerry, I can always ride on my bullets and still switch off the rocket.
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