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Posts by alberic
Joined: Oct 6, 2012
Last Post: Nov 17, 2014
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Posts: 10  
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From: Toa Alta

Displayed posts: 10
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alberic   
Nov 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / We can get knowledge from news, but some people think we can't trust the journalist. IELTS essay [6]

Well done! However, there are some minor mistakes that I would like to point out

Personally, I agree that we can get lots of knowledge from the majority of news in this day and age.( this sentence should locate in introduction instead of body paragraphs.

And try to connect your ideas without relying on firstly first and foremost too much.

In addition this- this words is redundant.
alberic   
Nov 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / Should the attendance be mandatory in universities? [5]

I think that instead of using he or she it would be better if you utilized one.

Another thing is you used way too many general examples. This essay could have been much more effective if the essay included your personal experience rather then general circumstances.

Overall, the content is nice you just need to alter the aforementioned remarks.
alberic   
Nov 16, 2014
Undergraduate / MY common app main essay , event that make you an adult [3]

Well your essay is definitely well written. However, I have the feeling that you have not answered the prompt that clearly, attempt to revise it somehow to make it more on topic. In other words, your essay have showed your alteration after those horrible war memories but you need to concentrate on the transition more which is you from childhood to adulthood.
alberic   
Nov 16, 2014
Undergraduate / I consider myself to be the luckiest person alive, despite the fact that I don't own a Cadillac.. [2]

I found one mistake when it comes to grammars in your essay

1.My mother noticed my petrified face and questioned me about what had happened to me

In terms of the essay, I think that you also should focus more specifically on the way you have been preparing yourself to become a doctor. There is too many information about the boy who you encountered back then.
alberic   
Nov 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / Beauty isn't the most important, but inner beauty is - judging by external appearances [2]

There are many issues you need to solve when it comes to the essay.

Firstly, your introduction is weak, even though you wrote your opinion about appearance. However, you should have written people's opinions as well.

Secondly, your examples are too general, it would be much better if you discussed your own experience associated with the appearance.

Thirdly, the conclusion of yours is too basic. In other words, it should contain some ideas you mentioned in the body paragraphs.
alberic   
Nov 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / "The biggest risk is not taking any risk." - TOEFL [3]

"The biggest risk is not taking any risk." I like this quote. Add it if is possible for the upcoming essays. Too many transitions such as in fact, you should have used in actuality, in reality to prevent those repeats. When it comes to the second body paragraph you could have developed a little bit more with the same idea. In other words, try to prolong your second body paragraph.
alberic   
Nov 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Some people prefer to play team sports, while others prefer to play individual sports. [3]

In my opinion team sports give more benefits to a person in terms of personal development than individual kinds of sport do.

Your introduction is quite dry and simple, try to create something that is more interesting that reflect your body paragraphs.

Aside from introduction issue, examples are not mentioned in the essay at all,

Lastly, your conclusion has the similar problem as your introduction. It does not reflect the content of your essay.
alberic   
Nov 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: complex problems faced by humankind can not be resolved by independent genius. [2]

Well, there are some typos such as independently engineering humankind analyze. However, they are minors. So, try to type a little slower, it will reduce the amount of typos for sure.

Another problem in this essay to obtain a high score is that it is lack of some concrete examples. Even if you do not have any, attempt to create some they will improve both your creativity and score.