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Posts by MariettaA
Joined: Nov 12, 2012
Last Post: Jan 2, 2013
Threads: 2
Posts: 12  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 14
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Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / Gain readiness/Brighter future- CARE SBP/ Educational goals [NEW]

CARE Summer Bridge Program Essay

The CARE Application Essay: How can CARE assist you with your educational goals at FSU?

The sky is not a limit for me because I have no limitation for myself in life. CARE can assist me with my educational goals at FSU by providing a gateway to endless learning and a building block to my future ambitions. As a young African American women raised by separated parents from a third world country with less than a high school education, I know the struggles and hardship that run through my parents mind when it comes down to how they will pay for college let alone pay their mortgage or put food on the table for my siblings and I. With FSU's accreditation, numerous opportunities like CARE & Genesis, their wide selection of majors, and their overall history, there is no doubt in mind why I would not choose this extraordinary school.

The CARE Program can help me afford an education at FSU. With a struggling economy and college tuition on the rise, while having both parents never stepping foot in college and working hard with little pay to make ends meet makes me that much motivated to pursue a higher education. Whether I have to fill out every man-known scholarship there is, earn grants, or take out loans, I plan to make ends meet just to chase my dreams.

Author Stephen Richards said in his book Think Your way to Success: Let Your Dreams Run Free, "Success will be within your reach only when you start reaching out for it." This opportunity will assist me on my journey to success not only for me, but for my family and community. My success will help me support my parents financially, stand as an inspirational element for my younger brother to work hard and never give up his dreams, and also allow me to give back to the community in which I was raised in as well as the FSU community that aid my success and dreams.

When I think of FSU's CARE Summer Bridge Program, I think of a place where I can Connect with peers; Appreciate this life changing opportunity; gain Readiness; and last but least a place where Education takes part in my everyday life on campus whether in the classroom, the dorm room, the surrounding community, and the overall experience at this accredited University. Stephen Richards quoted "No matter how small you start, always dream big." Through these challenges in life, I have learned that they only build who I am today and allow me to find solutions to life dilemmas and continue to dream for a brighter future. "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."
Dec 2, 2012
Undergraduate / UC Application- Overcoming OCD and Depression [5]

So then I started, reluctantly. I could feel every word drowning in my throat, clawing to breath<<<breach>>> out.

I remember my English teacher telling me that if anything was bothering me I could ask for help if I needed it; So that is exactly what I did.

Some people believe depression is a flaw in character; it is not. <<< My brace adviser at school said college essay should not include contractions, you have a couple more in there, so try not to use "isn't, it's, there's>>>

The 4th paragraph confused me a little bit but i reread it and got your point. In the concluding paragraph try to answer that last question "how does it relate to the person you are now" Let them know who you are exactly. But i like the ending though "Because no matter how depressing and negative someone's pain<<<story>> is, it is real.

Overall good work!!!
Nov 24, 2012
Undergraduate / I am a hard working person and never take rest until my work is done [5]

Right, I like this advice, try not to over think the questions. No ones know you better than you! So let them know your for who you are.

I live in the U.S and was born here, the education system is intriguing because we have the opportunity to acquire a free education or reach our maximum potential with the variety of equipment/technology used in the classroom to aid learning and make it that much exciting to learn. Well thats how i feel.
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / "What I've done the last 10 years"-Temple University admission [2]

If its ten year later and you haven't enter graduate school than there is some miss calculation.
I felt as though I had come full circle.<<< i believe you mean you came fully equipped or prepared
Is Temple University in Pennsylvania?
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Life in a honest world' - my essay for University of California [2]

I choose <<<chose>>not to help my friend during exams because I understand .... How can people lent<<<lend>>> money to someone who does not pay back the sum he or she borrowed?

I think your essay is well written, it has a voice! The only improvement would be to tell how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations clearly in the conclusion. But great overall!

(Can you review mine please)
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The trauma of my parents splitting up' - admission challenge essay help [7]

Try to explain more on what you learned in the process. I think them knowing what you acquired from that experience makes the essay that much intriguing and personal where they get to know more about you and how you deal with life experiences. you have 48 words left, make it count.
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My summer art homework / Lesson plans' - UC APPLICATION PROMPT #1&2 [2]

I think your essays are good. For the first one, i was looking forward to hearing how your family up bringing expire your art or how school/community itself helped shape your dreams and aspiration. I think you should try answering the exact prompt and not carry on about art being another form of communication or that one experience.

Correction to 4 paragraph, 1st essay. At first, I wanted to keep my emotions hidden, but I was shocked by how easy it was for me to open-up and share my inner thoughts in the .... So from that day forward, I tried to infuse more of myself and my emotions into my work.

The second essay is good. I believe that experience was important to you because these children were in a relatable situation. I think the essay wants you to mention an accomplishment or even such as this and explain more on why it is important to you and why you cherish that event dearly. Try not to tell a story but get personal with your essay. The don't want Xin Han at their school, they want you. Remember that when your writing an essay for college.
Nov 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Athletes and sports professionals deserve it' - essay [11]

Some people have this idea that sport professionals have more salaries than other degree level professions. In my opinion, it is not completely true and even if they earn more money, it is fair for them.

Most sports require an athlete to withhold a special talent to contribute to the field, court, track, or pool. For these talented individuals wanting to play comes with hard work, practice, and determination and without this, it is not possible to be successful on that field. For example, playing basketball requires these individuals to reach a certain height requirement and with this height they are also expected to be able to show proper ball handling skills, defensive aid, fine shots and a proper drive to the basket to reach complementary success. Although we couldn't ignore the effect of practice in their achievement, but if someone does not have a kind of talent, they would not be capable of reaching that next level of success.

As was said, practicing hard is the most important reasons for their success. If we look at the Olympic Games, we can see there are not too many athletes there. For being one of these super professionals, one person must practice for many years. Also the chance of entering to a high level team is low.

One of the main reasons that sports players are popular and receive enormous pay is that society loves them and their jobs. Millions of people all over the world go to stadiums to watch various sporting events like football, soccer, and/or tennis games. It gives the investigators and management a good profit and they <<are>>able to pay huge money to players.

On the other hand, it is not good that other important professions can't earn sufficient pay as a sport player does. They studied in schools and universities for many years and they should have suitable salaries. In a communist society, all people must have the same facilities and no one can be very wealthy. It helps all the people to live without poverty.

In conclusion, although athletes and sports sensational events earn more money than other professions, I believe that athletes deserve it because it's very hard for them to get to this level and also it needs a special talent and there are not many people like them.

^^^^^^ I tried my best to revise and enhance your train of thought. Try to review it and clearly state your thoughts. ^^^^^^^^^^^
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / Appeals of Learning - FSU essay; Anatole's France (French poet) quote [6]

The essay is an important part of your application. It assists the University in learning about you as an individual, independent of your academic grade point average, test scores, and other objective data. Your essay should be no longer than 500 words.

Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeal most to you and why?

Please insert a double space between paragraphs.

"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't," quoted by Anatole France a French poet, journalist, and novelist. As a well-rounded, caring, optimistic individual, I embrace learning. Learning seems to underlie every aspect of my life. With learning, there is growth, with growth there is awareness. Learning does not only take part in my classrooms, but in my environment, experiences, activities, and challenges. To me learning means to grasp intriguing universal findings and build character and create change. Learning itself cannot be measured, but its results can be.

Throughout my young life I have heard countless of times that "Education is the key to life time success." As a child, I did not grasp the actual significance of this statement. I always had dreams of being the next notable doctor or surgeon, and I knew for a fact that I enjoyed going to school to connect with peers and create stimulating entities. As I begin to mature, I realized that my education builds me as a person and as a future leader. From a very young age, I strive to be the best at everything I devoted my time to, even if it was to earn another gold star next to my name, it was that rewarding and kept me motivated. To learn something entirely new or of historical events makes it that much captivating to go and share my acquired knowledge with my siblings or peers. I realize from my experiences, practices, and studies in my school's rigorous nursing program that there are universal precautions for healthcare workers and patients. This nursing program has made me aware of how significant a healthy life-style, diet, and proper hygiene is to my body and its aging process.