Writing Feedback / TOPIC:disagree or agree-it is impossible to be completely honest with your friend. [2]


Children are always told to be honest people when they grow up


Repetitive. But = however, so you don't need both.

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Undergraduate / change is good; William and Mary /type of person [4]

Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extracurricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful? We know that nobody fits neatly into 500 words or less, but you can provide us with some suggestion of the type of person you are. Anything goes! Inspire us, impress us, or just make us laugh. Think of this optional opportunity as show and tell by proxy and with an attitude, but please restrict your submission to what will fit on one sheet of paper


"this is going to be a piece of cake." Always put periods inside quotations.


Awkward wording. Try "almost" instead

As Didgeridoo said, I don't think you should write about how difficult it was to write the essay. I learned what you like, but I didn't learn your character. Focus on presenting yourself more than things you like/dislike.

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Writing Feedback / Tell the Truth or Lie? Persuasive Essay [2]

The McKinley story is false. You have him mixed up with Grover Cleveland.
Passable essay. What class is this for?

Undergraduate / Think of 'free' ; UNI OF MICHIGAN/COMMUNITY [2]

"Free software is a matter of liberty, not price. Think of 'free' as in 'free speech', not as in 'free beer.'"(Corrected spacing and punctuation issues)

These are perhaps the most famous and the most influential words of Richard Matthew Stallman, the founder of the free software movement. Like many others, I too have been greatly influenced by the ideals for which he stands. (Don't mention others. Focus on yourself and Stallman's influence on you)

As supporters of the free software movement, we believe in free and open source software for all.(Just yourself)As a supporter of the free software movement, I believe in free and open source software for all." Free" software is that which can be obtained without spending money, and open source software is that whose clockwork machinery is visible to all, like Google's Android.

WeI believe that everyone should be allowed to make their(his or her) own changes to softwares and distribute these modifiedsoftwares(fixed spelling error. Spell check is your friend!) so that weI may help our neighbor(the community, or society, or humanity. Take your pick) . These ideals are based on the simple notions of freedom and sharing; knowledge is not something to make profit from, it is something that must be shared.

I play my role as a part of this community by using free and open source softwares for all my needs. I come across as a geek when I talk about free software with the level of seriousness that I do. However, I firmly believe that the ideals that we stand by are ones worth preserving. (Fixed more spacing and spelling issues)

Few advice:
1) Spellcheck and look for spacing/punctuation issues. Grammars matters a lot.
2) You are not speaking on behalf of the free software community. You need to sell yourself to the college. You chose a community and you described it. But you did not describe your place within it. Furthermore, you need to discuss what you can bring to University of Michigan.

3) I may sound repetitive, but this is not about Free Software, or even Stallman. This is about you. From your essay alone, all I learned about you is that you are a supporter of the free software movement. I didn't learn anything about your qualities as a person.

Don't be discouraged, 250 words is a tough limit. I'm sure you'll write a great essay!
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Undergraduate / Biology Project : Stanford Intellectual Vitality [3]

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

First I want to say that you didn't have many grammar mistakes, so congrats!
The advice I would give to you would be to talk more about the project's impact on you. Admissions counselors do not want to hear about the project as much as they want to get to know you and what you bring to the table..

The conclusion wasn't the strongest, but it is how you should be writing the majority of the essay.

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Undergraduate / We build our own "winery"; University of Toronto-Engineering / Extracurricular [5]

I enjoyed reading your essay! I think you have great material to work with. The intro was well done.

A couple advice:

While the wine making story was good, it seemed a little out of place considering the first paragraph and your desire to find green energy alternative. I see the point and the story can definitely stay in the essay. But I would talk a bit more about your goal to find cleaner energy.

Also try to talk more about what you can bring to University of Toronto's community. Student-College relationship is a mutual relationship. You want education, they want your contributions to their school and community.

Please critique mine? (Passion for Journalism)

Undergraduate / As I spoke, I felt my heart tightening up like a fist/ U Penn; "Ben Franklin's Quote" [3]

I really liked this essay.
Just one thing I would correct:
"Tears streamed down my cheek as I watched the stuttering King of Great Britain meticulously addressing to thousands of Britonsthousands of Britons who needed his guidance in the midst of war"

Undergraduate / I am Indonesian, I am Filipino, and I am Chinese; Georgetown Personal Description [7]

compacted and condensed into the body of a teenager
The advice I've always received is that you never want to admit to the admissions counselors that you're a teenager.
Just a nitpick but small details go a long way!

Undergraduate / "Not everything is as it appears" ; Pomona College ; You have Five Minutes [2]

This is a very well written essay. I could not find any grammar mistakes except this very minor one:
"Were they getting anything out of it? Maybe we do not ask" You were missing a space after the question mark.
As for the content of the essay, I can tell that you are thought-provoking and ask the big questions.
Just an advice, it may be beneficial to insert a short, personal anecdote in the essay. Though it is good without it, it may make the essay seem more personal.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Change, America! Change! Together!; Chicago Essay: Where's Waldo? [4]

Although the topic of the essay is "Where's Waldo" the essay shouldn't be about Waldo.
The essay should be about you. The admissions officers need to know about who you are and what you can bring to their university.
I did not get that from this essay. This is a great story, a very well written one. But it misses the point almost entirely.

But maybe it's just me.
"help people learn to comfort one another and understand that not every Muslim believed in the tactics that their peers used, and let the effect of this kind of bonding grow as quickly as numbers grew in Fibonacci's sequence until the world could see the love this destruction had turned into."

You should be building off of something like this. I liked the Fibonacci's Sonnet. It's a unique idea.

Undergraduate / I am a teacher; University of Michigan-Ann Arbor [2]

Overall a solid essay! You just need to fix the little details. The word "teach" is a bit overused.
And you may want to talk a bit more about your role within the community. Remember that a college essay is about you and what you can bring to the college!

Undergraduate / Football team/ Chemical Engineering; University of Michigan/ Unique qualities [4]

It's a great essay!
Personal anecdote, career interest, and what you can get out of U of Michigan.
The part about Tech Day is especially strong, as you show that you can quickly become a member of UM's community.

Undergraduate / OLPC in Egypt; Extracurricular activitie/Work experiences [3]

At first glance, I see a lot of capitalization and spacing issues.
Paste it onto a Word document and correct these mistakes first.

Undergraduate / Prestige/ History/ Location/ Financial aid; UNIVERCITY OF CHICAGO/ Why? [4]

Feedback: Try to discuss more about what you can bring to UChicago's community, not what UChicago can give you. Work on run-on sentences, comma splices, and parallel structure. Good luck!