Unlike Lisa, I think your intro is very much needed to support your response as a whole. You could choose to take out the sentence about WWII, You can also take out the part about how you marvel over Steinbeck's use of "bla,bla,bla". However I suggest taking out WWII.
Why is this so dark? This is basically saying that you would stand by and not do anything about a corrupt society. Isn't your goal to make a change in society? Just some thoughts.
Don't listen to what others say about rewriting the essay. Add some details about yourself in the end such as This experience with my friends has taught me the true values of ... I have learned to become a calmer person. To realize in times of anxiety that I still have a bright future ahead of me. I have learned to take two steps forward every time I get knocked back one.
Something along those lines. Send it to me afterwards. I will make sure to edit it.
If you are going to incorporate the idea of the carrot, you have to begin from the immovable stage. Without mentioning it in that stage, the carrot idea does not work.
Plus, your parallel does not stand for "those that move" as for the first two, you said that you were a kid and a student but the last one, you did not use a noun but rather said you will "reach the carrot".
This process took approximately two years. Since mM y original plans to start university the fall after my graduation did not occur. However, out of commitment to my education, I decided to continue my education by self-studyingstudying by myself for exams during this period.
Never write about your mom in your college essays. Who cares about your mom. This essay is about you, the colleges are not admitting your mom derp de derp.
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