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Posts by strwrsfn0013
Joined: Dec 31, 2012
Last Post: Jan 2, 2013
Threads: 3
Posts: 15  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 18
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strwrsfn0013   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / "Everything happens for a reason." Helping Others [13]

A few of this children resided in the orphanage I was staying at where we spent our time playing with them.

It's a run on sentence, and I fear it isn't very clear. I do not know if you are saying you resided in the same orphanage as they did, or that you enjoyed playing with them. You could try separating the two into different sentences.

After this trip my drive for providing service to to others, grew deeper in me, and as a result I decided to become more involved in the community service program at my school

The first comma is pointless, but keep the one before "and". Also "I decided to become more involved in the community service programs at my school. Furthermore, I will continue my involvement in service throughout my future endeavors in and beyond college.

Other than that, I think this is well written!
strwrsfn0013   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / ICS program is one of a kind / Duke Sup/ Duke attractions [13]

Although home to a phenomenal men's basketball team and an exciting Greek life, it is Duke's balance of academic and social opportunities is what trulythat draws me in. Having attended a business-orientated magnet school for seven years and travelled across Europe and Asia, I have developed a passionate about a career in international diplomacy and business, and intend to major in International Comparative Studies (ICS) and minor in Economics. The ICS program offers unique opportunities to develop a strong foundation in international studies, with global issues courses teaching breadth of focus and comparative courses ensuring a multi-faceted and global education. Paired with the diversity of the FOCUS program, I can explore unconventional disciplines not offered at other universities, specifically the Ethics, Leadership & Global Citizenship and Modeling in Economic & Social Sciences courses. As well, through Duke's EDUCO Study Abroad in Paris, I have the opportunity to build upon my nine years of French and develop a holistic understanding of European culture, history, and politics.

Apart from its full spectrum of academic resources, Duke is home to many social opportunities that would allow me to become engaged outside of a classroom setting. SpecificallyNamely , I intend to become actively involved with Duke's Net Impact club. Pairing my passion for global studies with my education at Duke, I can to utilize my background in business to aid various development initiatives and NGOs around the world. I hope to apply the event planning skills that I have developed as a Student Trustee to organize Net Impact conferences and social events aimed to educate the rest of the Duke student body on how they can use their education to assist in corporate responsibility and social entrepreneurship. Ultimately, Duke is an institution where I can flourish with students who are equally passionate about making an impact with their education. Duke's excellent academic reputation and plethora of extracurriculars are both key ingredients of an exciting undergraduate experience, and I would be honored to bleed blue for the next four years. Go Devils!

I love this. It's so upbeat and cheery, but asides from a few grammatical errors here and there I think this is good. Very well done. Would you mind giving my own thread a look? It would be much appreciated.
strwrsfn0013   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / "You are an Asian disgrace."; Common Application Personal Statement [3]

I think you should put a name on there, and then you can point how generic it is and specify that it is the name of your middle school bully. Although the first sentence did grab my attention, I feel like you should introduce your problems in middle school and then state "your Asian disgrace" at the end. I feel like you point out that phrase a little too much for liking. Secondly, your details are intriguing BUT I feel you go way into depth, when you really don't need to. Is there a character max for this prompt? I would love to edit, but I think only after you answer my question :)

... On a lighter note, I love the essay's idea, but I feel you're not quite there yet.

strwrsfn0013   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Relationships with my enemies' - U Chicago Supp [5]

Prompt: Tell us about the relationship between you and your arch-nemesis (either real or imagined)

My enemy and I have a relationship not even the most brilliant could begin to fathom. Frankly, the biggest reason for that would have to be that the only enemies I dare to make are the ones I design in my mind. At least that is what I tell myself. Perhaps I do have an enemy somewhere. One that is everything I am not, or better yet, someone who is just like me. I can already imagine that our similarities would repulse the faint hearted and force us apart like two positive ends on a magnet trying to make contact. In a utopia we could be the perfect alliance in conflict, but this prompt doesn't question the relationship with my enemy in a utopia, so I shall proceed to describe our relationship in none other than the callous setting humanity has decided to name Earth.

She is flamboyant, and for the sake of the argument, I will presume she is indeed a she simply because I doubt the masculine capability to be anywhere near as cynical as I can be. She is dark; her mind is an eternal abyss filled with the most quizzical facts and bad pun jokes. Her ability to seduce the least aesthetic people with her play on words shall be considered legendary among her peers and unchallenged. She is the queen among commoners everywhere she goes, and she is just downright annoying. I hate her. I look down on her theatrics, her awful jokes, and her insensitivity towards the false inferior roles she has created for everyone around her. She and I may share the cunning, the wits, the charm, and the abnormal amount mistrust towards all things considered black and white, but in a world that is a blurred shade of grey I cannot stop but think our relationship is one of mutual loathing and reluctant admiration in constant competition.

We are competitors in everything I do. In every game, in every race, in every academic showcase she is right there beside me. She is the one who points out my flaws and vulnerabilities with an accusing finger and a poisonous tongue. "She's going to fail," she leers, and for a split second, I stop and think, "Maybe she's right." What if the things she says about me are true? What if I'm not smart enough, skilled enough, or strong enough to endure and eventually triumph in the challenges I choose? With her cruel worlds crippling me, I see her get ahead while I stare at her advancing figure. And as I start to recede into the millions belonging to the ordinary, I stop. I stop because in the end, she is just imaginary. My self-doubt is my ultimate enemy; it is the only thing that can stop me. It is the only thing that can tell me "no" in a world where my "yes" is more valuable than anything.
strwrsfn0013   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / 'I was standing very nervously in a big hall' - activities or work experiences Essay [4]

I was standing very nervously in a big hall of Mongolian Children's Palace for the first time to take my dance club entrance exam back in 6th gradeThis topic sentence has great potential, but you should rearrange it so that it is clearer. Try, "In sixth grade I nervously stood for the first time in... yada ya ya" . Although showing physicalmy skills such asin flexibility and dancing withgave me a great confidence in front of many students and teachers was not an easy exam for most of my friends , the desire of challenging myself led me to try it"it" is an unclear antecedent. try specifying out. Although I had a strict teacher andwho implemented difficult practices,but I just liked being there, because I loved dancing. In addition to itLater on , I joined my school dance club two years later . I had won the best solo dancer award of my school in 2011; won 2nd place from Mongolian-Russian International Festival in both 2009 and 2010.although these accomplishments are impressive, I fee that you should probably exclude these from your essay and resort to just mentioning them in the awards section of the common app. I learned to be more patient, confident, and especially, more open to people than I was used to be before.

This essay would be much better if you put a little more description on your love for dancing and less on the sequence of events. Otherwise, I think this would be a fine essay. Also, keep in mind to exclude information you do not need.
strwrsfn0013   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Why Columbia? 'I felt at home. I felt part of the community' [3]

Yours is very well written, and concise. There is just one mistake of repetition in the last paragraph that you could fix:

While I walked around the campus, I knew that any student there could be anyone from a concert pianist to an Olympic athlete, but everyone was a Columbian. In all the diversity and distinction is unity; Columbia is a family, a home.

Very well done.
strwrsfn0013   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Central American immigrants and American Dream - Columbia Supp. 2 [7]

There are three basic layers to my being. On the outermost layer I am the daughter of two Central American immigrants aspiring towards their American Dream. Beneath that, I am an athlete who contributes towards the improvement of her community. However, at my core I am nothing if not a reader. For as long as I can remember, I have always had the tendency to read whatever was in front of me. Whether the contents are as mundane and trivial like cartoons on a cereal box or as constructive as my father's Sunday issue of the La Opinion, I read because of its potential knowledge. My insatiable thirst for reading has overwhelmed my libraries in the past, but I believe that Columbia University's Library System will be the first to overwhelm me.

The thought of being only minutes away from the university's access to over nine million books is enough to make me weak in the knees. The university's reputation for also being a champion of diversity has made me realize that its access to international knowledge must also be phenomenal. These factors combined are enough to engage my attention in ways I had never thought possible. Its appeal ensures that a day spent on-campus and mingling with my fellow peers will promise a day of lucrative learning. If I were to ever be accepted into your extraordinary center of learning.
strwrsfn0013   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Determination to provide my family - Common app [5]

Although touchy essays are risky, they can be moving and inspirational; they make an impact. however your essay's construction needs a little work. you write about your mother than you do yourself. think of it this way: you are advertising the wrong person
strwrsfn0013   
Jan 1, 2013
Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

Do not mind that. They are simply saying that you have until 11:59 p.m. eastern time to submit your essay. However if your on the West Coast like myself you should turn your application in no later than eight o'clock pm.
strwrsfn0013   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro' - Columbia Book Supp [8]

I see what you are saying, but the reason I found it to be so significant to me was because I finally came across a character I identified with. Should I change the tone of this essay?
strwrsfn0013   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Be on a golf course without golf clubs; COMMON APP [14]

not necessarily! I liked the fundamental idea, however instead of putting so much detail in the setting, just emphasize on YOU. talking about how you felt prior to laying under the stars. that way your realization makes more of an impact. trust me, I know how you feel about the stresses of it all, but don't be disenchanted! just take it in stride and EDIT EDIT EDIT
strwrsfn0013   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Be on a golf course without golf clubs; COMMON APP [14]

you mentioned your best friends more than what was necessary. they aren't really all that crucial to the essay other than that they were there with you when you lived this. if you mentioned them and just implied their presence afterwards, I think it would be fine. after that focus on your personality. all I really got from this was that you like sneaking into golf courses after the sun goes down...
strwrsfn0013   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro' - Columbia Book Supp [8]

(the prompt is to discuss what you found meaningful about a book you read)
Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro was meaningful, because of its ability to move me in a way books typically fail to do. I have always been particularly unsympathetic towards the plights of fictional characters, because of my inability to show empathy towards their problems. However, as I attempted to traverse through the novel's potent ethical questions about the concept of mortality with my typical aloofness, I could not help but find myself identifying with the protagonist, Kathy H, and her thoughts about "completion".

Kathy H is a clone created for the sole purpose of providing her organs in the event that her original human counterpart needs them to prolong her life. Consequentially, clones like Kathy H reach their untimely completion-a euphemism used for death. Although the idea may seem like a blessing, I could not help but be repulsed by the thought that a society so concerned with mortality like our own could one day make this dystopian nightmare a reality. Everyone at one point has contemplated the morbid details of our mortality, and the fear that consumes us when we do is understandable.

However, if fate were to cruelly design my existence as it did to Kathy H, I would willfully resign to its plan like she did. I would not seek a way to evade death like her friends Tommy and Ruth, because in the end everything must come to a "completion". The identification I made with her as I reached the book's conclusion is ultimately what made this so meaningful to me.
strwrsfn0013   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / The House of The Spirits - Columbia Book Supplement [4]

I think it is very good! however I am worried that you have put too much effort on summarizing the book than actually talking about you found meaningful about it
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