Writing Feedback / "I would go off and watch Law and Order"; William and Mary "Continued Interest Essay" [2]

Got on the waitlist...this is my letter that I want to send them to show that I still have interest in the college! Please edit/ give feedback! Thank you:)

To Whom It May Concern,
You would expect a student to violently catapult their laptop across the room the moment they read that they were waitlisted at their first choice university. Although a mixture of emotions did erupt from me when scanning the waitlist request, I could not help but feel a glimmer of hope shine through the fog that consisted of my expected failure of entering the William and Mary Class of 2017. So first and foremost, thank you for the option of being put on the waitlist. You made my confidence level rise up more than you can ever imagine.

The reason I am writing to you, whoever may be reading this, is because of my intense interest in becoming part of the William and Mary Tribe. The numbers that are practically tattooed on my application tell you just a small part of my struggles in my academic side. Math and I have never been friends; in fact, I would shout at my textbook telling it to figure out its own problems, because I already had many obstacles to overcome with my stuttering and speech therapy difficulties. For some reason, I am never able to understand the secrets behind finding the sides of a triangle, or the volume in a cubic shape. It was always a struggle that I worked hard on to fix.

Whenever I wanted to get away from the struggles of failing in math and speaking in public, I would go off and watch Law and Order: SUV, which is where I came up with my dream of becoming a lawyer. The way that Ms. Novak would walk across the room and declared her thoughts to the jury as to why her client was innocent was exactly the type of person I wanted to be one day. One who could walk in front of a crowd of listeners, and could clearly and efficiently state what was on her mind without an 'erm' or an 'uh' splattering out of her mouth every fifteen seconds. I wanted the confidence that radiated from her the minute she took the stage and could turn the case around with the words that flowed through her so naturally. No math would be required for this, which made the job of becoming a lawyer even better.

Thinking about cutting this paragraph!! What do you think?But as I grew older, it took some drastic events to figure out what kind of lawyer I wanted to be, and that is an immigration attorney. Not only did my personal life affect this decision, but the news coming in from across the States and people wondering why their loved ones were deported had an emotional tie to me. It created this urge to go and help these helpless families to fight the system at times and try to figure out a solution to a problem that should not even be around these days. Not only would becoming a lawyer help others, but it would help me overcome my life long struggle with stuttering and fear with public speaking.

I heard so much about the success that William and Mary has, not only with their political science and Government path, but with the school as a whole. I understand how the majority of William and Mary alumni's are brought to D.C. with your programs and great D.C. networks. This is beyond what I can dream of, since working in D.C. or even interning has been what I have always wanted for my future. From what I researched about your professors, a majority of them has obtained a top-notch education, making my time at William and Mary worthwhile if it meant the privilege of being taught by them. Aside from all the educational facts, the atmosphere and inviting student body is one that I feel that I can fit in the most compared to other colleges. It has the type of aura that excites me about attending it for the next 10 months of my life; it is one that I have not felt at any other college.

Even with the IB Diploma holding me back from enjoying my senior year, my grades have been on top of their game. Although they are not perfect, neither am I. The thing I love most about William and Mary is the consideration you all take for each and every applicant outside the typical numbers game. The pressure of the school system has taken its toll on my life, but I know if I am admitted to William and Mary for this upcoming year, that it would have not been a waste of tears and all-nighters these past four year.

This whole letter was written from my heart to explain my passionate desire of attending William and Mary for the 2013-2014 school year. My advance apologies for the length of it; I tend to have a need to write a novel when expressing my feelings at 10 o' clock at night. Again, thank you for not only reading this, but for giving me the chance to have a second swing of becoming part of the Tribe for the Class of 2017.

From a hopeful William and Mary applicant,

Graduate / My leadership towards Anti-Bullying club ; MASON ESSAY/ Optional essay [5]

If applicants would like to share something about themselves, we welcome them to submit an OPTIONAL essay/personal statement with their application in the space provided. Essays should be limited to no more than 250 words.

I wrote about my leadership and what drove me to start the Anti-Bullying club at my school. Please help me spice it up a bit; I feel like I wrote so childish cause I have writer's block.

EDITS ARE WELCOMED.
Once again thank you!

The organizing of events; the piles of planned fundraisers; the never ending stress that rises from being a President of your own club is what I have felt since day 1 of my Senior year. So why did I start it? There is a meaning behind this club of mine; it is not just some club I created in order to impress college officials, but a result of an event I had experienced back in middle school. As overwhelming as it can be some days, I think back to this occurrence and hope that I am making a difference in someone's life.

It happened so quickly and unexpectedly. Two girls had walked up to a friend of mine and began bombarding her with insults, while demanding she give them her homework. As much as I wanted to speak up, not one word uttered out of me. Instead, I was forced to watch this horrific event unfold and the feeling of guilt hit me all too much.

From that moment on, I understood the importance of standing up for one another. This experience is what inspired me to create the Anti-Bullying Club at my school and by going to local elementary schools and teaching them the consequences of bullying and not standing up, I am hoping that I impact at least one individual. I don't want anyone to face the terrible pain or guilt I felt that day. If it's within my power to prevent this, I surely will.

Undergraduate / breathtaking landscape/ Diversity/ Easy transition/ Hokie/ Clubs; Why Virginia Tech? [2]

This is my first draft and I need serious help editing and proofreading it.
All help and criticism is welcomed.

What are the top five reasons you want to be a Hokie?
Campus, Union, Diversity, Activities, Opportunities

My dreams lately have been filled with me receiving acceptance letters from every college I have applied to, but one reoccurring one has been Virginia Tech. Why is that? It could be the breathtaking landscape of Blacksburg, which makes me enjoy nature a bit more than most people, would. Its right smack in the middle of Virginia, making travelling between the surrounding states a better experience than living in the middle of nowhere. It could also be the clash of cultures that are present in the campus, making it seem that we are travelling the world without actually leaving "home" The diversity presented at VTech is also quite similar from my high school, which would make the transition much easier. The union of the fellow students on campus is also one that I have yet to see at any other college. It makes a large school like Tech seem so small with everyone appearing like family. One other thing that makes being called a "Hokie" a privilege is the opportunities available; many jobs and communities know Virginia Tech as a well-educated and excellent school, making the future a bit less of a pain for us freshman. Not only that, but the ability to create or find countless number of clubs made any individual fit right in. This leads me to my last and prominent reason: the traditions! Who wouldn't want to be involved in the Ring Dance their junior year? (Change traditions?) These reasons are only a small portion of what 250 words could fit; all I know is that Virginia Tech would be the perfect place for me to grow and learn in my upcoming years as a college student.

Undergraduate / Anti-Bullying Club; George Mason and Virginia Tech [5]

Hi, I'm new to this forum, so I was wondering if someone could help me edit this and with the word count? It's about 359 and the word count is 250. It's for Virginia Tech

Also, do you think I could use this essay for the George Mason application? It just says that:

"If applicants would like to share something about themselves, we welcome them to submit an OPTIONAL essay/personal statement with their application in the space provided. Essays should be limited to no more than 250 words."

So would it be?
Thank you for any feedback!!

Virginia Tech Supplement:
Confucius once said, "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." Discuss one of your most significant failures and how you rose above it.

Words flooded in my mind as gasps were released in each breath. I wanted to say something. I wanted to stand up for what was right. But my 8th grade, socially awkward self would not allow for a word to utter out of me. Instead, I was tortured to listen to the girl's soft cries, as each of them struck me with guilt. Bullying was normal in middle school, and sadly, I was one of the bystanders that decided that my safety was better than getting involved.

It started out as a usually day in my 3rd period Algebra class; the teacher had assigned us work to do during the end of the period, and I, being the teacher's pet I was, furiously worked hard to achieve my goal of reaching my 5th A in a row. As I began working, I saw through the corner of my eyes, two girls approach one of my friends with a sly grin on their faces. They proceeded to snatch her work right out of her hand and say "unless you want trouble, I suggest you give this to us". She looked at them surprisingly, and proceeded to protest until one of them began bombarding her with insults based on the way she looked. Her eyes began to shine as tears welled up in them. She let go of her work and let the bullies win. What I'll never forget is the look she gave me, as she saw that I had not stood up for her. It will forever stain my mind.

After that day, I learned that the educational videos schools show about bullying is no joke. Everyone needs to stand up for others; it's just the right thing to do. This experience inspired me to create the Anti-Bullying Club in my school, in order to go out to elementary schools and teach them the consequences of bullying and techniques that is important for them to learn if they are in a situation. I don't want anyone to face the terrible guilt I felt on that very day. And if it's within my power to prevent this, I surely will.