Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

You're more than welcome.

It's hard to find people of any age as insightful as you appear to be.

My email is johnjeremy215@gmail.com.

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]


What the hell are you doing here?

At the risk of sounding rude, there aren't many people here who can help you.

I feel like hiring you to work with me.

By the way I'd love to see copies of your Language test essays.

I have a feeling your work is proof of all my teaching philosophies (even though I wasn't your teacher).

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]


Don't be sorry.

I have found "prewriting" (at least as it's usually done) to be overrated.

Your approach ("jotting down ideas") has merit.

Years working in high school and college classrooms have taught me what NOT to do.

Multiple drafts are necessary (especially on admissions essays). On timed writings (like the AP English test), the process needs to come instinctively.

By the way, have you taken the AP test(s) yet?

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

Are you losing patience with this process?

I need to drag some more strong ideas out of you...

Writing Feedback / CITY&GUILDS: Human beings do not need to eat meat in order to maintain good health... [5]


Is this for a test?

If so, which test?

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Children can learn efficiently by watching television [3]


Without looking at your essay, list three reasons WHY kids shouldn't be watching TV at home and school.

1.

2.

3.

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

Okay...

Now we have to bring this back to the actual prompt.

These things all seem to connect to your mom's injury rather than the reading part. That's fine.

Discuss an event...that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your... familyin 650 words or less.

EVENT:
---Mom's surgery

WHAT YOU WERE LIKE AS A CHILD:
---That's what we'll do next. See below

TRANSITION TO ADULTHOOD: the "adult" stuff you learned
---putting someone else's happiness before my own
---being responsible for not only onself, but another
-- recognizing one's inherent "flaws"
-- enjoying the small things

So far so good. (Don't use clichés in this paper.)

Now I want you to list a few more phrases (not individual words)...

What childlike behaviors, attitudes, or tendencies did you have---and to at least some extent relinquish---PRIOR to having to care for your mom?

Give me sentence fragments only, and don't repeat a single syllable (except maybe "ing") from the "adult" list you just made. Each item must contain more than one word.

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

Be as patient as you can...


List for me some other "adult concepts" you now understand.

Use sentence fragments, each beginning with a present progressive verb (an "ing" word).

You have one:

---putting someone else's happiness before my own

Add some more.

Writing Feedback / An introduction for capital punishment [18]


Sorry that I wasn't clear. I should have been asleep.

It's more of an implied redundancy---if you are going to claim that "supporters of capital punishment has decreased in number," then we KNOW that you mean "considerably." If the decrease had been insignificant, you wouldn't have mentioned it at all.

You may call me John if you'd like.

I should have come up with a more creative screen name (or at least one that didn't force me to read my initials and surname dozens of times a day).

Writing Feedback / An introduction for capital punishment [18]


That's what they say...

This notion has been reinforced for so long that everyone assumes it to be true.

YOU, Mare, had better not do this on the AP test (which you must take even if I have to pay for it myself).

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]


Glad to hear this, but more important is that you understand my meaning (which I think you do).

Undergraduate / "Which one is the smarter twin?"- Common App; background or story [9]


I'm a writing instructor. Thanks for the compliment. You're a bright "kid."


Although they aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, being "nice" isn't the same as teaching. If more teachers understood this, then forums like this (and the one I just created) wouldn't have to exist.


Yes. Below are the "dumbed down" instructions to which I alluded to earlier. I hope they don't come off as patronizing.

Make a list (as long as you can make it) of things you've learned about yourself as a result of being a twin.

Don't worry; there will be more to come.

Writing Feedback / People have so many possibilities. We can learn new things by only writing the term in Google Search [7]

You began with this part of the assignment:


Go back and find the rest of the assignment---the part that ends with a question mark---and then add it here.

Neither I nor anyone else can help until we know the entire essay question.

Undergraduate / My eyes were set on UT for quite some time; UT Austin Transfer/SOP [11]


This is what you're doing (even though you don't mean to).

In order to finish by August 1, we need to get going.

You need to start by doing what I suggested above.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Competition or Co-operation should children learn? 'future career' [7]

You need to learn and/or practice a few grammar basics before you go too much farther.

Start by looking up the term "subject-verb agreement."

For example...


...should be

each one plays

Writing Feedback / An introduction for capital punishment [18]

Most people here mean well.

They probably don't work from home (as I do).

Undergraduate / My eyes were set on UT for quite some time; UT Austin Transfer/SOP [11]


Without checking, this excerpt looks to be about 175 words.

I want you to take it down to fewer than 150 words by getting rid of the repeats I've put in bold. You can probably get it down to 100.

On the whole, this paper has some strong ideas but it's much longer than it needs to be.

Two questions:

1. When is this essay due?
2. How long does it need to be?

Undergraduate / "Which one is the smarter twin?"- Common App; background or story [9]


If it sounds cliche, then it probably is cliche and, as such, does not belong in your paper.

Also, you know better than to use slang like "sorta" in an important essay like this.

(I hope that doesn't sound cruel...)

Writing Feedback / An introduction for capital punishment [18]

You are right. Your teacher is wrong.

Writing teachers are often wrong.

However, if your grade or anything else important depends on this essay, you are to do as she says.

If there's any doubt in your mind as to your teacher's ability to comprehend the relatively simple idea conveyed by that sentence, delete it.

Undergraduate / "Which one is the smarter twin?"- Common App; background or story [9]


Aha! This merits a comment/observation/point of criticism:

Superficially, it might appear that you "think the same." The overriding point of this essay, however, needs to be that you DON'T.

As is the case with the other essay (and probably with everything you write), this is very engaging. However, whether this essay's mostly about YOU and your identity as opposed to your relationship with your sis is another matter entire.

It's fun to work with students like you because I can focus on subtle things like this...


Read it aloud and tell me whether you wished to create this alliterative effect.

Paradoxically, although you're obviously a gifted student, I think that a slight "dumbing down" of this task (that is, the instructions that I'd give---NOT the quality of your writing) might be in order.

I hope I'm making sense with all this.

If we don't discuss these papers again, I hope you enjoy the remainder of your summer!

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]


Another minor concern is the repeat of this phrase. I see it at least three times, which is at least once and probably twice too many.

However, you can eliminate this issue by heeding my suggestion above.

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

I have determined the main problem with this essay:

There are MANY events discussed here, all under the umbrella of "taking care of my mother."

To be sure, you are an above-average writer and both of your essays are fine. However, I'd like for you to read this. Pay specific attention to the part about narrowing your topic.

Having read thousands of these, I can tell you that I'd LOVE to read about any ONE of these events. In particular, the part about reading to your mother is very intriguing and has real potential. You could cover lots of different angles, including but not limited to the irony of the child reading to the mother.

There are several other specifics here that I like and that could be expanded.

I hope that helps!

John

Writing Feedback / An introduction for capital punishment [18]

Hi. To which question(s) are you awaiting a reply? I think I covered why I deleted the stuff I did.

Writing Feedback / An introduction for capital punishment [18]


Both are redundant. Trust me.

That's all for "tonight."

I can answer other questions (later) tomorrow.

pinky swear...

Undergraduate / My eyes were set on UT for quite some time; UT Austin Transfer/SOP [11]

I take that as a high compliment (even if you didn't mean it as such).

You will have my comments within fifteen hours* of my having posted this. (I've been swamped with my "real" clients.) I would do it right now except that it's after 2:30am my time and I can't serve you well enough when I'm this tired.

Sorry for the delay. You're literally second in line (here).

*If that's too long, please indicate as such and I'll try to move some things around.

Please respond to this as the forum software won't let me be the last to post in this thread!

Writing Feedback / An introduction for capital punishment [18]


---I will be honest. Of that you can be absolutely certain.
---Normally I'm not crazy about these kinds of "hooks." However, I rather like what you've done. (If I change my mind, I'll let you know.)

---You haven't posted a complete essay, so I can't answer that question.

Should we put capital punishment to death? NowadaysI n modern and civilized societies, its supporters have decreased in number considerably. Critics view the death penalty as inhumane and barbaric.but I believeHowever, this unrealistic and romantic view ignores thebasic human nature. and it is harmful to the society.This essay will discuss the issue in details.

Writing Feedback / People have so many possibilities. We can learn new things by only writing the term in Google Search [7]


Where's the actual question? This is the stuff that comes before the question.

I want to help, but without knowing the actual task I can't do so to the best of my ability.

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

I have not forgotten about you. To the contrary, I'm creating some information about the Common App, some of which is in direct response to the issues facing you here.

Bear with me.

Graduate / Kathy reminded me of my own parents; Person who impacted my life [5]


Yes please. Write exactly one sentence per item.

Forget about Mom (not forever, just on this essay).

Writing Feedback / "Watching TV is bad for children" agree or disagree? / Use Specific Reasons [5]


The essay is full of awkward phrasings and grammar errors.

I implore you to either hire a competent tutor or, at the very least, buy an English grammar book.

Students usually need to work on content first, grammar second. You're a rare exception.

Graduate / Kathy reminded me of my own parents; Person who impacted my life [5]

If you were to outline this essay, how would you do it?

I. Identify the person. (You've done this.)

II. Specify ONE way in which this person impacted you.

III. Specify ANOTHER way in which this person impacted you

IV. If you'd like, specify a THIRD way in which this person impacted you.

Also, for some reason you've drifted into a discussion of your mother. You're writing either about Kathy or Mom---not both.

Undergraduate / Growing up I was always sampling different types of food; UMaryland spring transfer [8]



Most of this first paragraph deals more with past financial experiences than academic ones.

Remove the stuff I crossed out. Then write about a couple positive recent experiences you've had in school.

The second paragraph is fine (content-wise) for now. We'll edit it later.

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

Both should be brought to fruition (if you have the time to do it) before you make the call.

If you must choose now, I'd nudge you toward the Mom paper as I can see some structural pitfalls with the "Twins" essay. However, the payoff would potentially be higher with the Twins essay. This is why I want to go farther with both if possible.

When is this due?

Give me a time and I will meet you and go through these piece-by-piece if you'd like.

(I'm on Pacific time, available pretty much all day unless I have appointments with other students.)

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]


I'm smarter than I look.

Do you intend to be online for the next half hour or so?

Writing Feedback / Whether the power of advertisement or the real need of people? [7]


Well, let's do a super-brief outline...

DON'T look at your essay while you answer these questions:

1. Do you agree with the statement? YES or NO.

2. Write ONE sentence identifying a reason WHY the statement is true or false.

3. Write ONE sentence identifying ANOTHER reason WHY the statement is true or false.

Undergraduate / My eyes were set on UT for quite some time; UT Austin Transfer/SOP [11]

Well...

This is only about 1000 times stronger than the other one. I don't see "iOS" or "ipad" anywhere!

Would you like me to identify the problems? If so, I'll be glad to do it but you'll need to give me an hour or two.

Congratulations on your effort and improvement.

Graduate / SOP: changing major from Architecture to Computer Science [2]

A lot of this doesn't connect at all to your "purpose." For example, take a look at this paragraph:

It has nothing to do with you at all let alone your purpose.


What's the length requirement?

Undergraduate / WashU University Scholars Program in Medicine [6]


I'm sorry to hear that this problem has been troubling you for weeks.

Have you written anything else? If so, would you mind posting it?

Your introduction is probably already lurking in there somewhere.

Writing Feedback / Whether the power of advertisement or the real need of people? [7]

What's the exact question you're answering? Don't put it in your own words.

How long does this need to be?

Undergraduate / hardships you have faced? How have you dealt with them, and the outcomes. [6]

It's disjointed.

You need a separate paragraph for each hardship that Haiti presented.