Writing Feedback / understand the most important characteristics of a society = study of major cities [6]


Okay...I'm going to ask a few questions:

1. Is the statement above true or false?

2. Give me ONE reason why.

3. Give me a SECOND reason why.

4. Give me a THIRD reason why.

Limit each answer to exactly one sentence.

Writing Feedback / People do many different things to stay healthy. 'not skip our breakfast' [6]

This essay (along with the well-intended comments that accompany it) is a mess.

Reread the prompt. Unless I'm misreading it, you're being asked what YOU do to maintain good health.

If that is the actual prompt, then every single sentence of this essay needs to be about you...

---not "we"
---not "many of us"
---not "it"
---not "people"

...only YOU.

Although your grammar and mechanics need some work, the absolute most important concern is answering the question as asked.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: should government support creative artists? [3]

You need to pick two or three of these and write an entire paragraph about each:

They're strong ideas but you haven't developed them at all.

In fact, you've gone into more detail about what "some people believe" in your second paragraph.

Writing Feedback / understand the most important characteristics of a society = study of major cities [6]

Is this for a test? If so, which one?

What's the essay question---not in your words but EXACTLY as it was originally phrased?

Undergraduate / "I have a clear path and goal set"; Transfer appeal- Are you convinced? [13]

Sorry about the delay.

When's this due?


You might focus your essay on the ways in which YOU could have prevented this from happening. More important, tell why you allowed it to happen and HOW you intend to change.

However, if the SOLE reasons for your rejection relate specifically to the reasons above---and IF you think that explaining these circumstances will help you---then stick to what you have.

If this is the case, I will proofread what you've posted above. However, I'm not sure they want to hear about how THEY fumbled the football.

Undergraduate / USC short answer. Share your input and opinions. [12]


If you'd like to include it, go ahead. Be sure to send the whole thing to me again for final proofreading.


What I've done is rephrased and clarified YOUR ideas. If you'd like to redo it, here's how:

---Read silently what I've posted.
---Wait five minutes.
---Reread it aloud.
---Wait fifteen to thirty minutes.
---Rewrite it.

NO PEEKING

Send it to me at johnjeremy215 at gmail dot com.


If high school students were actually taught how to write, you and most others wouldn't be here.


Damn. I didn't know that. You should probably add a sentence or two about broadcast journalism.


Of course you can ask me. Thanks for the compliment, but I've been doing this a long time---I'm supposed to be "awesome."

Undergraduate / "I have a clear path and goal set"; Transfer appeal- Are you convinced? [13]

I'm not yet convinced.


I know what you mean, but they sound like excuses.

I promise I will spend more time with this in a few hours. Gotta run right now.

Don't sweat---it'll turn out fine.


This idea needs to be discussed in your essay.

Essays / What do you imagine an ideal learning place ? [10]


Give me about 100 words in response to EACH of the following:

1. Tell me why a simpler approach to education is more beneficial than that of today's high-tech classroom.

2. Why is self-motivation important?

3. Define "appropriate" discipline and tell me how it affects learning.

Undergraduate / USC short answer. Share your input and opinions. [12]

Tell me what you'd like added or removed.

Ironically, I have only recently discovered that my inquisitiveness-along with my desire to teach, learn, and debate-constitute the basis of my academic core. The study of journalism will best enable me to pursue and cultivate these interests and passions. The University of Southern California in particular will provide for me the opportunity to explore and to learn about mass media from role models with broad journalistic experience. Additionally, USC's location in the heart of Los Angeles (arguably the media capital of the world) can only enhance my ability to work with a diverse mixture of successful entertainment professionals. I look forward to studying the nuances of communication and its profound effect on the human condition. I look forward to this adventure, and USC is the perfect place for me to maximize my potential not only with regard to journalism but across a wide range of academic disciplines.

There may be a typo or two. I'll reread it later today.

Undergraduate / USC short answer. Share your input and opinions. [12]

No, I don't have time for other essays right now. I meant let me look at everything you've posted that pertains to this essay.

Essays / What do you imagine an ideal learning place ? [10]

Ah.

Are you preparing for a test? If so, which one?

Undergraduate / USC short answer. Share your input and opinions. [12]


No problem. You did great. I have about an hour before an appointment with another student, but let me look at everything you have here.

Essays / What do you imagine an ideal learning place ? [10]

Good. Now, before we go any farther, tell me how long the essay needs to be.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Chemical engineering in smart polymer's field [10]


No!

Please do NOT rewrite it yet.

Just post the instructions.

If you'd like to write and post an outline first, that's fine.

Essays / What do you imagine an ideal learning place ? [10]

Then tell me. Do it right here. Don't worry about spelling and grammar.

Tell me how you would describe a perfect place to learn.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze Issue;Best way to teach- praise positive actions and ignore negative ones [7]


---I can understand why you wouldn't want to share your email.

---I'm on Pacific time (United States).

---There doesn't appear to be a PM function here. If I start my own site, there will be a way to communicate privately.

Summer vacation? Just how important is this test? I'm volunteering to spend an hour of my own spare time helping you.

Anyway, if your essay was as clear as the message I've quoted above, you'd be in much better shape.

You seem like the kind of person who changes his writing style based on the setting. Without going into an essay of my own, I'd suggest writing in your OWN voice. Your informal writing appears to be clearer and more effective than your formal writing style.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay-Movies should present positive values. Y or N ? [7]

Define the following words WITHOUT using a dictionary:

considerable
negative
wonderful
delighted

Undergraduate / USC short answer. Share your input and opinions. [12]

This won't take too long.

What you've written doesn't require tons of revision, but there IS something missing.

Tell me why journalism interests you. Don't use fancy language, and don't write for an essay.

Essays / What do you imagine an ideal learning place ? [10]

Please give me the exact question you need to answer. Don't use your own words. Use the exact words given in the question.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: GOVERNMENTS SHOULD BAN CIGARETTES AND OTHER TOBACCO PRODUCTS [5]

I've crossed out all the stuff that the reader already knows as well as the ideas you express more than once.

These days, the amount of ailments and death relate to smoking cigarettes or using other tobacco products have considered a serious problems. Thus, this raise certain concern as to whether the tobacco products are necessary to be prohibited to produce.Although, there are valid reasons to justify the contrary, it is my personal belief thatcigarettes and other tobacco products should be banned for the sake of society . Analyzing both the consequents of tobacco products to individuals' health as well as social problems are as follow.

First of all, tobacco products has a negative impact on the field of health. This could be exemplified by a range of ailments namely lung cancer, high blood pressure and heart disease. Therefore, if the government prohibit this products , in long - term results, many people probably prevent from a variety of serious detriment in latter time. Thus, this make it clear that the authority are necessary to enforce the law about prohibiting tobacco for the healthy society in the future.

However, perhaps the strongest argument in favor of banning cigarettes and other tobacco products is that of behavioral society. This could be proven by the fact that people who addicted in smoking are likely to become drug abusers or even criminal. Hence, having forbid this detrimental products , the society are possible to prevent numerous societal habits and many social problems. From this it becomes quite evident thatbanning tobacco products is required for the development of cultural community.

By the way of conclusion, many ailments and death can be possible to decrease simply by banning tobacco. Thus, it is clear why the idea of forbidding cigarettes and other tobacco products can be supported for the positive impact on our community.After analyzing this subject, it is predicted that prohibiting tobacco will certainly be stronger than allowing those harmful products.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze Issue;Best way to teach- praise positive actions and ignore negative ones [7]

I don't want you to give up.

Are you online now? If not, when will you have an hour free?

I'd like to walk you through this.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Chemical engineering in smart polymer's field [10]


Thanks. It was just phrased oddly in the context of your post title.


The college hopefully gave you instructions to follow in writing this essay. (They probably at least gave you a question to answer.)

I'm asking for that because I can't tell whether you're giving them what they want until I know what they want.

Undergraduate / USC short answer. Share your input and opinions. [12]

What makes you feel "desperate" about this paper?

How long does it need to be?

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze an argument; Child-rearing traditions in Tertia [6]

Don't stop practicing!

However, you are right that you shouldn't do so "mindlessly." Millions of kids (not that you're a child or anything) just practice without knowing what they're doing. That's why the world is full of threes and fours on the GRE (and every essay test, really).

If you'd like, I can give you my email and I can give you more detailed advice.

Graduate / As a life time student athlete I was devastated; CASPA narrative for PA school [11]


You've discussed the following:

---basketball injury
---a PA who treated you with kindness
---your courseload

There's not enough here about how THIS particular profession suits YOU . Consider the following:


Many people (a friend, a clergyman, a relative, a gardener) could have eased your emotional pain. What you've given isn't a reason to become a PA. You've told us about this PA's personal qualities. I'm sure some physician assistants are kind while some are cruel.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Chemical engineering in smart polymer's field [10]

Can we see the instructions please?

Also, what does "smart polymer's field" mean?

Even without knowing those things, let me tell you this:

Your paper looks more like a list of events than a declaration of your purpose.

Graduate / As a life time student athlete I was devastated; CASPA narrative for PA school [11]

dumi is asking you to tell us exactly what question you're answering.

A prompt is an essay question; an SOP is a statement of purpose.

We can't tell whether you're following the directions, and that counts for a significant portion of the success of any essay.

Writing Feedback / What is the responsibility of an educational institution? [6]


Getting from a "3" to a "4" is difficult enough that I can't explain it all here. I'd have to teach you some skills that would require time and study on your part (not to mention mine).

The most pressing problem is this:

When I look at your essay from a distance on my old-school computer screen, I can see the word "education" (and other forms, such as "educate" and "educational") so many times that it almost jumps off the page.

I didn't even have to read the paper (although I did read it) to know that it was a three. One word or idea so deeply pervading an essay reveals problems in every important area of writing: organization, vocabulary, and grammar.

Over the years I have sat in many GRE (and GMAT and SAT and AP) reading rooms. You don't want to give the reader a reason to skim your paper, slap a score on it, and move on to the next.

There were similar problems with other words and phrases.

The good news is that your paper can't be a two because it attempts to answer the question and because your mechanics are generally strong. I realize that you'd like a six, but at the very least I can almost guarantee that you'll score at least a three on the test.

Undergraduate / Solitude was my only companion - The Hermit ; Personal Information - U Texas [6]

Sorry so late responding; lots of students to deal with today.

It's not necessarily a question of erasing or shortening the storyline. It's more a matter of ensuring that your storyline fulfills the criteria outlined in the prompt.

Undergraduate / Solitude was my only companion - The Hermit ; Personal Information - U Texas [6]

Your paper is fairly well written, but let's look at the prompt:

Write an essay describing your personal info you want considered as part of the application.You might include exceptional hardships, challenges or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.

Now let's look at it piece-by-piece:

---exceptional hardships
---challenges
---opportunities
---academic credentials
---personal responsibilities
---exceptional achievements
---[what] you might contribute

I'm not sure which, if any, of these things you've covered here.

Writing Feedback / International and traditional music should be treasured and respected equally. [7]


This is a yes/no question.

You've hinted at the answer toward the end of your essay, but you haven't elaborated on it.

YES or NO and WHY

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- "A development of more intensive ways to exploit the natural environment" [7]

There are no "resources" that will enable you to do this in a matter of days. None.

It's like asking me to recommend resources where you can learn mathematics.

When are you taking the test?

Writing Feedback / What is the responsibility of an educational institution? [6]


This is a three.

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]


I am a private composition instructor.

After more than 25 years in high school and college classrooms, I couldn't stand the system anymore! Watching so much misguided and inadequate teaching was making my career miserable.

The pay is comparable but I can choose my own students and make my own schedule. Life is better.

Sooner or later I'll start a forum similar to his one (although I do enjoy helping kids here when I have spare time).

I sincerely hope that your career (like mine) will be more of an avocation---a passion---than just a job.

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]


Thanks for the info.

I'm not sure what time it is where you are, but I will get to this ASAP. I have a couple students to deal with first.

As I wrote earlier, I'll get to your paper within a few hours.

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]


This is in reference to your application for a Canadian study permit.. In order for us to continue the processing of your application, we require the following documents:

-Details concerning the length of your program

-Your study plan for the long term[/quote]
Got it. I just wanted to make sure that you weren't leaving anything out of your paper.


I think you have enough, but answer the questions I pose to you below:


Where does it say that this is required?

Also, when is this due?

I'll be back in a few hours to take another look at this.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Opinion on wearing uniforms in schools [5]


If it's "obvious," then you need not cite it.

This is one key difference between a seven and an eight. (Am I correct that IELTS scores on a nine-point scale?)

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]

I don't know whether you need to add more because I don't know the exact question they're asking you.

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]

That's better.

Would you mind posting the exact words from their letter?

Otherwise I can't be as helpful as I'd like.

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]


I doubt that anyone can answer that for you (at least not in a sincere way).