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Posts by bein
Joined: Jul 2, 2013
Last Post: Jul 5, 2013
Threads: 3
Posts: 10  
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bein   
Jul 4, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Every country should produce more materials and goods? Agree or disagree? [3]

again, help me to check and improve my essay by giving academic words replacing informal and low level words. Thanks in advance!

Many peole assume that the goal of every country should be to produce more materials and goods.
To what extent do you agree or disagree that constantly increasing production is an appropriate goal?


The development with celerity of science results in a variety of benefits for manufacturing industry. Therefore, many people believe that government should take advantage of this, producing more and more goods. Nevertheless, I do not agree that raising production should be an aim of every nation.

Some advocates of this idea cite that if governments have policies to encourage companies to produce, there will be a huge capitals investing in machines and technology, which leads to an increase in total demand of the economy. I concede that it is true. However, if supply exceeds demand over a long period, it is obvious that the crisis will occur. All the factories operate with the highest productivity to manufacture as many products as they can, nonetheless, consumers do not have enough money to purchase all of them. As a consequence, there will be a considerable number of extravagant goods and companies will have to suffer losses as well as bankruptcy. The crisis in 1929 is a prime example, which caused many losses for countries all over the world.

There are many supporters also argue that people will have more options for consuming with many kinds of products. It may be true to some extent, however, living standards cannot be raised when policies only care about quantity of goods. For example, society will have no remarked development if people can purchase many cars with low price, outdated technology and bringing negative impacts on the environment. Enhancing quality constantly is the best way to improve the living standards.

In conclusion, countries should not merely concentrate on how many goods are produced, ignoring the quality of them. It is a faulty goal on any periods of development.
bein   
Jul 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS-Fixed Punishment for each type of crime?or Consider circumstances & motivation? [5]

your grammar is good with various sentence structures.
but what is the type of this essay? discussion or argument?
I think you should add thesis statement in your introduction to say clearly what you are going to write in this essay. your essay doesn't show clearly whether you discuss both sides of this argument or protect your idea (one side). I think it will be a very good essay if its outline is better :)

Moreover, remove

Let's take two murderer

because it isn't suitable for formal writing style
bein   
Jul 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The number of cases of diarrhea in Mashhad between 1983 and 1992 [4]

how many people

the figures for people

To sum up, the figures for cases of diarrhea were at their highest in 1989, whereas their record low could be observed in 1992.

you don't need a conclusion. you can add this outstanding feature to overall => 2 sentences in overall.

before 1992 came with an enormous plummet to reach a low of zero.

before witnessing an enormous...in 1992.
bein   
Jul 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY:-People learn things better from those at their own level [5]

I think you should link simple sentences by using connectors or relative clauses. your structures are quite simple with many short sentences. moreover, you should avoid repeating words many times. try to use synonyms or another expression.
bein   
Jul 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Social behavior changes in some ways when children become adults! [6]

I am going to take IELTS exam on 27/7. I am quite worry about my writing :( My target band is 6.5 or 7 in writing. so can you help me to check and improve my essay by giving academic words replacing informal and low level words? If you can, give me an assessment or band score. Thanks in advance!

As children become adults, their social behaviour changes in some ways.
What are the main differences between young children's social behaviour and that of adults? to what extent are the changes that take place good?


When becoming older, people have trend to change the ways they think and behave. As a result, there are a number of differences in social behaviour between children and adults as well as not all of them are positive.

It have shown that children are more honest than mature people. Firstly, they usually express their real emotions, for example, they will cry when sad and smile when happy. Whereas, older people seem to like to hide their true feelings, therefore, it is difficult to understand what they are thinking and how they are feeling. Moreover, children never tell lies because they are taught that it is an immoral action. However, parents and teachers' manners sometimes contrast with what they have taught their children. Some people are willing to tell a lie with the purpose of achieving benefits for them. It is clear that this alteration brings many disadvantages rather than advantages. Although in some special situations, people should behave cleverly, nobody want to live in a society in which they cannot be truth in others.

Another variance is that youngster are more innocent then old people and it is the reason why they are often deceived easily. Because of the fact that almost all the young people are cared and protected by their parents, studying in a safety environment at schools, they are isolated from social evils and negative problems in society. Therefore, they do not have precautions regularly, which leads to an increase in social tensions relating juveniles. When being mature, people will be smarter and know how to protect themselves, which is a necessary development in their lives.

In conclusion, children's behaviour will vary over periods, however, it is natural and has both benefits and drawbacks.
bein   
Jul 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Fixed or variable punishment for crimes [7]

People in favor of equal punishment claimed

i think you should use 'claim' (simple present tense)

taken in to account

into

through equal punishment it is believed that society would be more safe and secure.

i think you should change the way to express this idea

for the purpose of

with the purpose of

This is what separates humanity from computers:

It separates...

A perfect example

A prime example

is considered a good deed.

is considered as a good

In my opinion, it is more human

I think you should add a conclusion transition signal such as To conclude, In conclusion...
bein   
Jul 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: raising the age of retirement. should or shouldn't? [5]

have many difficulties(<- Replace with Impediment)

so use 'have much impediment'?

The aforementioned improvements should provide enough sprinkle of pretentious words.

sorry but I don't really understand what you mean :(

Your introduction and conclusions need overhauling though

are there any problems?
bein   
Jul 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: raising the age of retirement. should or shouldn't? [5]

Can you help me to check and improve it by giving academic words replacing informal and low level words? Thanks in advance!

some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


With the development of the economy and the science, living standards are becoming higher and higher, resulting in longer life expectancy. Some people claim that the age of retirement should be increased. Others; nevertheless, believe that this is unnecessary. I am convinced by the later whereby health condition and adaptive ability of old people.

People who support this idea cite that most of the retired people, especially males, are more stronger than before and they could take over many different kinds of work. This may be true to some extent in developed countries. It is apparent that in a number of developing nations, people are living much longer but not healthy because of the fact that they must work hard before and social welfare is not good enough. Take Vietnam for example, where women often work for about 30 years and retire at 55 years old. It is a reasonable age because after 50 years old, females usually have to face a variety of diseases such as high cholesterol level and calcium deficiency, which affect their health significantly.

Many advocates also put forward that people after finishing paid employment still have ability to perceive new knowledge, hence they should continue working and contributing to the society. However, I disagree with this statement. There is no doubt that at this science age, technology is changing rapidly day by day and it is difficult to adapt to, especially for older people. Internet and mobile phones are prime examples, which develop with a quick pace and prevent old people from using it easily and conveniently. As a result, the old will have many difficulties when working in this environment.

In conclusion, governments should maintain the retirement age and create more opportunities for enjoyment and relaxation for old people instead of working.
bein   
Jul 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Paid work for children is good or bad? Discuss [10]

you should try to use more academic words. for example, use 'therefore' instead of 'so'

responsible to

responsible for

we should let them

avoid using 'we' in essays

becoming more productivity.

I think the word "productivity" isn't suitable.
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