Undergraduate / New Mexico; Reflecting on personal experiences [3]

I would really try to write about your feelings on it. It would be a really moving, deep essay. Post it and see what other people think, about whether it's detached or not.

If so, then just talk about how your experiences left you emotionless and detached, because that's your defense mechanism. I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / I was waving goodbye to the life I had for 16 years/Transition from Childhood to Adulthood [5]

I like it! It's really great. The ONLY thing I would say is switch one "alive" to something else, since they're right after each other. It's really awesome though, good job! Good luck with admissions!

Undergraduate / "Education is everything. When you stop learning your mind ceases to grow" ; Florida Uni [3]

This essay is not bad at all.
I would change the beginning--they know the prompt. Do not waste words restating the prompt. Just jump right in with how learning is important to you.

Besides that, there are some awkward phrasings.


"I received my first F in tenth grade, and thought it was the end of the world."

"7 years later" should be spelled out: "seven years later." However, the bit about your mom's education is a bit irrelevant. Maybe just make it more concise. "My mother is a very strong-willed person, raising me herself. Her education came to a halt when I was born, but it was important enough to her that she enrolled again seven years later, and instilled those same values in me." Something like that!

"A" becomes repetitive. Switch some of "A's came easy" or "to do my best and make A's" with alternate words such as "great grades" or "the top of the class," etc.

The end also needs to be connected to learning more. Did you learn how to become a good leader or what? It basically sounds like you were trying to find a way to add in some of your extracurriculars...but they already know those! If you choose to keep that in there, make sure you connect it, and spell out "four" and "two."

This is an awesome start though!

Undergraduate / How better this world could be in the near future; What matters the most [2]

No matter what anyone says about it, I know that education has the power to change the world we live in today; it has for ages.

The "it has for ages" is a bit awkward. Maybe take out the semi-colon and change it to "...to change the world we live in today, as it has for ages. " It might be the word "ages" though. I can't quite decide!

I have seen unfortunate people be able to completely change their circumstances

Change to "I have seen people in unforunate situations be able to completely change their circumstances ," or "I have seen people in unforunate situations completely change their circumstances. "

To think of the all the possibilities that are available to me is what makes me dream big.

"What makes me dream big is being able to think of all the possibilities that are avaliable for me. " The phrasing was a bit strange, and very passive.

Besides those sentences, it's really good. I would edit the big about women, because that's the only time you mention women. Is this essay for an all-female school? Regardless of whether it is or not, you have to specify whether education, or education for women is what matters most to you.

Also, I would probably change the first sentence--it doesn't really hook you in.

Really well-written essay though! As far as the topic, it's true that many people might write about education, but as long as it's apparent that you feel a real passion for it, I don't think that it matters that much.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Everything happens for good; PERSONAL ESSAY for Common App [2]

You should change which forum this essay is posted in, as most of the errors are English related. Try using a spell-check, on Microsoft Word or even a website like www .spellcheck. net.

Aside from the English errors (spelling, subject-verb agreement, grammar), in my opinion, the essay should be more specific. Pick one thing that happened (this ONE time you disrespected a teacher, or gang activity that you witnessed) and then explain your experience with it (how it made you feel, etc), then go back and explain why you got involved with that.

Then, discuss your friend who helped you with the spiritual course, and explain how your relationship with God changed you.

Hope this helps!

Undergraduate / Discover multiple microcosms within this unique language- supplement for Georgia Tech [3]

Awesome!
I agree that the end is a bit open-ended-maybe you could do this:


Switch that to "This course had everything-scrutiny of detail, stimulating mathematical problems, and simple commands." That might give you enough words to add something at the end!

Undergraduate / She dyed her hair red for Christmas; My identity/ Common App Essay- 1st paragraph [3]

I like it, but it's REALLY hard to simply critique the first three sentences without the rest of the essay. I can't tell if the beginning draws me in enough to make me read the whole essay thoroughly, etc.

Kind of an interesting thought I had while reading it is that it sounds very similar to John Green's style of writing. I'm not sure if that's necessarily something that you want in a college essay, but it's pretty! Write the entire essay and post it!

Undergraduate / I DAYDREAM A LOT; my Common app [6]

Really, really spectacular essay! Only really minor things that need help:


This doesn't completely sound right-maybe change it to "As real as my daydreams seem, they still aren't reality." or "As real as my daydream seems, it still isn't reality." (I think you were just missing the S on seems so I wasn't sure which!)


Numbers at the beginning of sentences should always be written out, so just change these to "One year later," "Five years later," etc.

I would really elaborate on the Red Cross Society, and what exactly your plans are to help in the future. Your entire essay is about daydreams regarding unforunate situations, and how that affects you so much that you want to help. But then you only really have one sentence that focuses on HOW you're going to help. Are you going to join the Peace Corp when you get older? Do you give money or food to homeless people when you see them on the street? Stuff like that! Just specific examples of how you want to help people, or ways you already have.

And it gives me physical pain to say this because I am obsessed with dashes...but I think there might be a bit too many at the beginning. Try to switch some of them to semi-colons or split them into two sentences. Since dashes are such a strong puncuation, you don't want to use too many and then diminish their effect.

Really fantastic essay though! Good luck!

Writing Feedback / I was waving goodbye to the life I had for 16 years/Transition from Childhood to Adulthood [5]


This sentence does not flow right; I think it's because of length. It might be good to split it into two sentences.
However mature, independence, and responsible I was, I failed to foresee all the obstacles that would come with this decision. When I got to California, I had to develop a relationship with my dad, and get used to my new environment without my familiar surroundings and family to support me."


You want to avoid directly stating what your essay is about. They'll see which prompt you chose, and you want it to clearly come across in your ESSAY that it was a transition from childhood to adulthood, instead of stating, "I moved to California, and transitioned from a child to adult." SHOW the reader, don't tell them, like Gritwinz said.


The tense used in this sentence is not consistent with the rest of the essay. You seem to switch between talking in the present, to the past, etc. You start out with an anecdote, so maybe continue a few more sentences about the day you left in present tense, and then transition into past tense when you explain why you moved to California. Then, talk about the troubles you faced when you got there.

A lot of sentences are like the following, first in present and then in past, or vice versa:


Besides that, it feels like there's a lot of information that the reader doesn't get. I think the essay could be a lot more personal, and it would be better to do that. Why did you have to parent your father? How did that make you feel? You said it caused many inner conflicts but only mentioned one before moving on. Why did you move to California? You said because of educational opportunities, but is there something else? Not many 16-year olds choose to move across the entire country because they want to go to a better school. If that is truly the only reason you chose to move, elaborate on that. Where was your aunt in all of this? Why did you have to take on the job of buying food and paying the bills?

Overall, your essay is not bad at all. Just fix your tenses, be more specific about everything--show more examples, like one day you came home and the electricity was off because your dad hadn't paid the bills, or there was almost no food in the fridge because your dad hadn't gone to the grocery store. Tell about specific moment that forced you to learn those skills you talked about. Other than that, it's really little things that you'd catch if you read through a couple times, especially out loud! Ask teachers to look over it as well.

Good luck! I hope this helped.

Undergraduate / History repeats itself; BACKGROUND or STORY - central to identity [4]

Okay, then my only suggestion would be to make sure you clarify for the reader what you meant by Virginia at the beginning. I really do love the confusion and then all of a sudden it becomes clear...but right now it's still a little hazy. And of course, you want the reader to know exactly what you're talking about, because the essay is their way of knowing more about you. So maybe in those last few sentences, you can

Your English was definitely awesome-I never would have known that you were not from an English-speaking country! I only noticed two places where (only after reading through a second time with language in mind) I noticed anything:


First, I absolute LOVE that, "the silhouette of Indonesian yesterdays." And if I understood what you meant correctly, it should probably be "nor have I been chained" or "nor have I chained myself to..."


This is slightly awkward phrasing, because you're trying to say that you want to continue letting your memories, experiences, etc. form yourself (because you are Joshua and Shun Chan, and so on), but it reads like "I will never forget who I was, and will also never continue to let." So I think that could be simply fixed by making it two separate sentences, or changing it to "and will continue." If you do that, I would probably cut out the "or am" or simply switch it to "who I am" because that gets length and kind of trips up the flow of the sentence.

Really, your essay is really great. You use really pretty, descriptive language. I'm jealous! Good luck :)

Undergraduate / I have enjoyed reading Frankenstein by Mary Shelly - Short Answer Crisis! [4]

My main suggestion would be to summarize the novel less. Nearly everybody knows what Frankenstein is about. Talk more about what the novel taught you, or what made you realize. I really liked your point about how the novel focuses on the aspect of solitude, and what you said about that.

I would also try to clarify the prompt even--I know it asks your to list required readings from school/summer you enjoyed, so I would try to find out for sure if they want a short analysis of a book you liked, or an actual list, like "I liked Frankenstein, The Great Gatsby and The Crucible" or something.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / History repeats itself; BACKGROUND or STORY - central to identity [4]

I really liked the essay and how it came together at the end, but that could be dangerous with college essays if the reader is simply skimming and gets confused or loses interest at the beginning before there's that part where you say you are both boys. Honestly, I'm still a little confused after reading it--maybe clarify what exactly happened? I gathered that you were born in Virginia, moved to Indonesia, and then in tenth grade...moved to Korea? You specifically say the Korean bit but the mother country is confusing because of the Virginia bit.

Maybe you could start off with a short sentence saying something along the lines of, "I am two people in one." I know that's awful, don't use that, hahah, but you could come up with a short sentence that pulls the reader in and makes them want to figure out how you are both Joseph and Shun Chan. I do like your beginning though. It's a tough decision to call!

I really did love the very specific imagery present in both boys' paragraphs--the noodles, the bike riding, everything. Great job!

Undergraduate / DEALING WITH OTHERS: tell us about a personal quality, talent, contribution, or experience [3]

I know you mention it a bit later in the essay, but the first sentence about anime is rendered irrelevant throughout the essay. Because it's not a strong theme in the essay, you could just start out by saying "I've witnessed a lot of drama in my life, from tears over break ups to friends betraying friends, but I've never been involved with drama personally. "

These sentences should be combined:


And although unconcern is a word, it's just a very awkward diction choice. I would switch it with something like "indifference " or "apathy ." Also the spot where it's used in the sentence after this.

I got a little confused at the beginning-you go from saying you're never involved with drama, but you're not sure why. Then, "I realized the secret to avoiding social drama. " But you just said you've never been involved except for one time? I'm not exactly sure what you were trying to get at, but maybe if you switched "avoiding" to "resolving" it would get your message across clearer (if that's what you meant).

You also said that the issue on the team was with everybody and for various reasons, but then later say that you tried to be honest to avoid misunderstandings. It's unclear how the conflict between the team was a misunderstanding due to you not being honest.

There's a couple words that get repetitive throughout the essay-drama, shy, misunderstandings, etc.

I like how you speak of the tension building up inside of you before you spoke, and how you clearly indicate your emotions during this experience and how it changed you.

Other than that, there's just some simple capitalization errors and simple grammar mistakes that you'll pick up on once you read through. Try reading it aloud too!

Good luck! I hope this helped a little.

Undergraduate / As an accountant I work with diverse people; North Carolina State: Diversity [3]

What you're getting at is awesome, but every sentence is saying very similar things: "Relationships gained due to high levels of diversity will help me with my job."

Maybe try to elaborate more on the job opportunities you want, or HOW diversity is going to help you network. Is it going to simply help you meet more people? You can meet people at any school, so how is diversity, specifically, going to help you with accounting? Specifics are always good :)

And keep in mind that the limit is 500 characters, not necessarily the goal. If you can come up with just one or two really awesome sentences, then that'll be better than repeating the same idea three times to get near the character limit. :)

Your vocabulary and what you're saying are both great. I hope this helps a little!

Undergraduate / "Nathaniel is in no rush to leave"; UNC Chapel Hill : Challenging an Idea or Belief [5]

I like it! I also really like the mentioning the weather again at the end, especially how it's more pleasant, like the conflict from the beginning of the essay has been resolved.

One super minor thing I also noticed just now-maybe change one of the "adopted this mindset" phrases to something different? It's not really noticeable but it is so close together that it's close to being repetitive.

Really though, your essay is awesome! Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Essay: Schools problems with student behavior. [4]

There are a lot of run-on sentences in the essay:


"Furthermore, the students don't respect the teachers as they should. They're protected from their mistakes. For example, if a student, up until the fourth grade, made a mistake on a test, the teacher is not allowed to show the student that the answer was wrong. The government imposed this (rule? law?) saying that this will make the student feel demoralized among others in the classroom."


"Inadequate student behavior is a growing issue nowadays. In Brazil, the cause is related to home environment, the teachers' lack of will to teach, and especially government policies."

You could even cut out the first part, or edit it, because the reader knows that inadequate student behavior is an issue-that's what the prompt is about!

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but if you're not a native English speaker, you should make sure you get somebody to proofread it for English mistakes, like the placement of some words, or general grammar rules. Other than that, you should make sure you elaborate on the second part of the prompt, about what solutions you can suggest.

This is a great start though! You've got your outline--now you've just got to flesh it out!

Undergraduate / "Nathaniel is in no rush to leave"; UNC Chapel Hill : Challenging an Idea or Belief [5]

Awesome essay--very much so improved from your first draft (I had read it, prior to making an account, hahah).
The only thing I would suggest is maybe tweaking the last line. It's a huge jolt to go from the paragraph regarding your philosophy about life, etc., to Nathaniel coming back and speaking about history (especially after his enjoyment of weather is established earlier in the essay). I completely understand wanting to end back with your anecdote, but it feels like the last paragraph before is so strong and then there's this orphan line that isn't weak, but it just doesn't feel 100% right. Definitely not 100% wrong though either!

Good luck with your application! I'm applying to UNC as well!

Undergraduate / My red sixth place ribbon ; Common App Essay About Failure [3]

To be quite frank, you need to completely delete this and start over. It is blatant plagiarism of the "The Unathletic Department" essay from the Johns Hopkins page for "Essays That Worked." (apply.jhu.edu/apply/essays/)

A direct comparison here:

Meghan's (from Johns Hopkins) first paragraph: "A blue seventh place athletic ribbon hangs from my mantel. Every day, as I walk into my living room, the award mockingly congratulates me as I smile. Ironically, the blue seventh place ribbon resembles the first place ribbon in color; so, if I just cover up the tip of the seven, I may convince myself that I championed the fourth heat. But, I never dare to wipe away the memory of my seventh place swim; I need that daily reminder of my imperfection. I need that seventh place."

Your first paragraph: "A red sixth place ribbon hangs on my bulletin board of various accolades. Every day, as I walk past the wall in the hallway, the award mockingly congratulates me as I smile. Close friends and family wonder why I would feature such a failure for the world to see. But I never dare wipe away the memory of my sixth place hurdles sprint. I need that constant reminder of my imperfection. I need that sixth place."

And that's just the first paragraph. I guarantee you that any college you apply to will have read the essays posted on that page from Johns Hopkins, and will therefore know that you were directly copying that essay, simply changing a few small details.

Sample essays online should be used for inspiration. Not for this. You likely have either until Tuesday or November 1st if you're applying early anywhere, so I would get started writing your OWN essay and then get people to critique it.

Undergraduate / "lead by example" philosophy; University of Michigan [3]

Although you provide a lot of examples, it's phrased in a way where it seems like you're just telling the reader about yourself, instead of making it seem more like really short stories that SHOW the reader about yourself. Of course, essays are about showing your strengths, but I think the way you have it right now can come off in a way that may not be very good.

I would also expand on your place on the soccer team. Obviously you're an important member-you've been a captain for two years! It must be a sport that you have a lot of passion and dedication for. Show that! Currently, even though somebody could infer that you love soccer, it doesn't really seem like that.

Everything you're saying is awesome though, and your grammar and syntax is all on point! I only noticed a couple errors:

However I can almost guarantee they would fail to identify the third; me.

This should be a colon, not a semi-colon, and there should be a comma after however, since you're using it as a "but" synonym.

Many believe, "captain" is a title of power given to an individual.

The comma should be taken out.

Good luck with your U of M application!

P.S. Love your use of the Oxford comma :)