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Posts by maddigirl
Name: Mary Lupa
Joined: Dec 29, 2013
Last Post: Dec 31, 2013
Threads: 4
Posts: 19  
Likes: 2
From: Spain

Displayed posts: 23
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maddigirl   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / Being given €1500 - Transition from Childhood to Adulthood [5]

by the way, I changed the ending:
I came to Spain a girl--still afraid to trust and be open. But I know I will leave this country the young woman I've become. I feel ready for all that lays ahead of me: college, the peace corps, my diplomatic pursuits...Wherever I may go, I will always be at home among strangers; the world is my intimate family.
maddigirl   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Irish philosopher Edmund Burke...' Event That Has Shaped Your Future, $10,000 Question! [2]

wonderful! The only thing is that they say opening with a quote in a college essay is to be avoided like the plague. It doesn't bother me though. Also, I don't think you have to translate helado.

Your syntax is great and easy to read
few more things
"she grew increasingly weaker "
"stepping stone to bring my dreams into reality, specifically to improve the lives of those living in" a little corny
good luck!
maddigirl   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / bland sandwich - 'to know about you' Yale supplement [14]

sorry, I totally misinterpreted your essay. Well, whatever the meaning is, it is a good essay. I always think of insouciance as indifference, which has a kind of negative connotation, but I don't really know. The dictionary does say childish lack of concern as well so I guess the word could mean either.
maddigirl   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / Being given €1500 - Transition from Childhood to Adulthood [5]

This is a first draft, still not sure if I'm going to even use this essay. So not sure if this fits the prompt well enough. Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family. I would appreciate any general feedback (grammar, content, syntax) and will read your essay!

Stuffed in the metro, with €1500 tucked in my bra, I try my best to appear normal. I tap my foot nervously and look around the train: rather than staring at me, the other passengers fiddle with their phones and kindles. I mimic the others and read an email under the subject "Anna Nicole wanna b?" for the seventh time."I heard what happened to you and the words that come to my mind are brilliant, weird, bizarre, lucky, and strange." [..]
maddigirl   
Dec 30, 2013
Undergraduate / Issue of Vogue / TV screen controller - Johns Hophkins Undergrad Essay [4]

What is the prompt?

I like the first option better. The second one had some awkward wording. Also, I do not like the sentence about the trees.

"these worlds "

I like the two parts about your normal every day life becoming these grand adventures, it was cute. However, I did not like your conclusion. Also, the fact that your parents let you choose the vacation spot, and then on top of that you choose turkey, probably one of the most expensive flights out there, makes you sound a little privileged. Also, the fact that you've gone to Turkey doesn't really make the video game part true. I thought you were going to tie it in to your adventurous spirit or something. I think the problem is the vogue part is a dream, which you are able to tie in well to you being the editor of your newspaper, but the video game one is harder to tie in because its not a dream, so it is a bit incongruous
maddigirl   
Dec 30, 2013
Undergraduate / bland sandwich - 'to know about you' Yale supplement [14]

"that I've let slip of because"
"but that insouciance and vivacity from childhood is evanescing." This last part with three fancy words together looks like you just found random words from a thesaurus because together they do not work. insouciance is the opposite of vivacity, you had both when you were a child? evanescing means to gradually disappear if I'm correct. The part about making up for lost time made me think that know your childhood wonder is coming back to you and you must make up for all the time lost. If that is the case, then evanesce does not work and you need a different word.

I also think the part about the sandwich detracts and you could use words taken up there adding more imagery to the important part, or more commentary about how you've grown or what you're going to do with this revived childhood wonder

All in all, it is a very good essay that takes a very simple moment, and transforms it into a significant experience. That is what makes it great. Good job and good luck!
maddigirl   
Dec 30, 2013
Undergraduate / Why Macalester? The website was what sparked the initial interest [5]

This was the first thing that struck me: "The website was what sparked the initial interest. It was the first college website that I liked because it gave two different types of information- what was happening in the college from classes to sports and information that a prospective student might want to know, like how many students do internships or that students come from 94 countries" That is more than two types of information and it all blends together. I couldn't tell if you were going for one piece of broad information, or multiple little pieces of information.

fritters and critters...no error there but that's awesome

"And to broaden my views while sharing my thoughts and opinions on the world and cultures surrounding me" way too long and confusing, I would just put "And to broaden my views" put the part about sharing your culture with the mexican heritage part

With the words you cut out above, you can end with a bang. The last sentence is too dull, perhaps end with something about your mexican culture

Good luck!
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / 'I have been knocked down by grief' Essay about moving on after a death in the family [5]

Okay, here is the context, which the applications committee would know: My grandma died and after I was depressed and moved to spain as an au pair. Carla is the girl I take care of. I don't know, it was supposed to be a bit ambiguous though. Like the context is not important. Its just supposed to be a simple moment of me taking care of a girl and being reminded of my grandma taking care of me when I was kid. If that is not obvious I guess I need to do some revising.
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / life is just a game where we can be winners or losers -attribute of personality -MIT essay [8]

I think you're essay has a lot of potential. However, at the moment, your essay has a kind of list-like, science paper tone. Try to make it less logical and more spontaneous. After all you're writing about humor. Personalize it. Instead of writing generalizations about humor in people's lives, what did jokes did you tell your friends waiting for the chem results? How did your friends react? Use actual jokes!!! Open with an anecdote.
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / 'I have been knocked down by grief' Essay about moving on after a death in the family [5]

So I found this old essay I wrote for nothing and thought, why not use it for something? Maybe it would work for a common app prompt? vassar, william and mary, and georgetown all have prompts where you can do whatever so maybe for these schools. Just any thoughts in general. For people who know absolutely no spanish at all, can you understand?

Carla

"Look up," I tell her. "There's a spider on the ceiling."

She understands only spider and up and asks, "żArańa? żArriba?"

I tell her, "Sí, está allí, en el techo," though I am not supposed to speak to her in Spanish.

She knows the trick by now and smirks at me but looks up anyway. "No la veo," she says with a tilt of the head.

"Sí. Hay una arańita negra."

I hurry to rinse the water out of her hair, taking care to guide the water with my hand away from her eyes, which are still staring up at the spider on the ceiling. I turn off the water and she starts to shiver. "Toalla."

I take the towel and wrap it around her nice and tight, up until the nose. She points to me, "You," and then back at herself, "sujet me."

I pick her up and lift her out of the shower and we sit down on the toilet seat. "You sing me."

I sing "Hush, Little Baby," rocking her back and forth, making up the lyrics as I go along, like my nana had done with me. "...and if that rocking horse should break, Momma's gonna buy you...a big fat slice of cake."

She laughs, though not at my lyrics, which she couldn't have understood, but because she detects that I'm making up the song. "No sabes las palabras de la canción."

"Pero, żQué me dices bichito mío?"

I continue, and as I sing, I see my grandma pointing up at the imaginary spider on the ceiling washing the shampoo out of my hair. I see her rocking me in her arms as she invents lullaby lyrics. I smile and think of the my grandma's memorial card; crinkled and worn from love, it is safe-guarded in my wallet.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die.


I have been knocked down by grief, but it is in little moments like these that I realize I will heal. I see that I am able to make what is gone--come alive. I see my little Carla--from her house in Spain--telling her daughter to look up at the "arańa en el techo." No, nothing is ever gone.

"żPorque no me cantas?"

I kiss her on the forehead. Somehow, we have all been connected. Everything lives on. And I find a little comfort in that.
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / '...brilliance, wit, and passion for the world. Just like me' YALE SUPPLEMENTS [6]

I agree with everyone else "donated to charity" sounds awkward.
"Yale's a little bit quirky, exceptionally ambitious, and has a dash of brilliance, wit, and passion for the world. Just like me." To me, this sounded a bit cocky. From what I read, I do not doubt that you are all of those things, but I don't know how admissions officers at Yale would feel about that. But feel free to ignore me.

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading everything you wrote and best of luck! You have a good sense of humor in the short questions and the LGBT essay was interesting
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / unlimited flexibility - WHY PENN ENGINEERING-- supplement [6]

I read both and the second is way better.

Not sure how I feel about this sentence: "Time-consuming and mildly-addicting, they offered intensive mental workouts and so I cheerily blossomed into a full-fledged geek, convinced that the greatest power given to mankind was that of problem solving" It's the and so that throws me off. I think you definitely show that you are passionate about penn and that its your number one choice. I have no idea if it is or not, but regardless, that's the point of an essay like this so good job!
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford intellectual vitality...Turkey [4]

thanks for your help!

Good point about bad-mouths. Do have another word in mind? I looked up synonyms for bad-mouth and none of them have the tone I'm looking for.
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Eco Protectors - Lafayette: What do you do? Why do you do it? [10]

I'd give it a 7. I mean you're righting about an extracurricular in 200 words, right? I don't think they're expecting any pulitzer prize winning writing. Try writing it without the first part and expand about your passion for the environment. See how that sounds then choose from the two. Honestly, I think the first part takes up words that could be used, well, bragging about yourself--which is what you're supposed to do! Thanks for reading my other essay by the way :)
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford intellectual vitality...Turkey [4]

The limit is 250 and I am at 283. What would you cut out? Please help me! Also, does it fit the intellectual vitality prompt enough? I think so considering the word limit. I had much more to this essay, about how it affected me, but I had to cut it out :(

I step off my private helicopter onto Turkish soil, where a woman in a headscarf greets me with a warm smile and hands me a pink-lemonade. Soon, I am on the beach. The sand, like the sea, rolls up and down in waves; the stark contrast in color is all that differentiates sand from sea. The sand's current pulls me in, and I run with it, over the waves of sand, toward the sea...

"BEEEEP!"

My alarm clock pulled me out of the warm Mediterranean sea and plucked me back in my room. In class, Turkey fluttered in and out my head. My middle school brain only knew two things about the country: its people were Muslims, and it was named after a bird. What on earth had inspired such a dream? I thought one thing: destiny. From that moment on, I acquired an insatiable interest in Turkey. I spent weeks reading about my favorite historical figure, Ataturk, and the separation of church and state in an almost homogeneously Muslim country; months trying to convince my mom to buy that seaside apartment in Fethiye; and two laborious years teaching myself Turkish.

My Turkey infatuation awoke my love for other languages and cultures and I decided I would devote the rest of my life to diplomacy. Currently occupied with Spanish and French, I can no longer devote my every second to Turkey, but it hasn't been forgotten.

Just recently, one of my teachers lectured that Turkey would never enter the European Union as long as church and state remained entwined.

My hand shot in the air. "Actually, Ataturk removed Islam as the state religion in 1928 and..."

Nobody bad-mouths Turkey while I'm around.
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford roomate essay...vampire [9]

That is so perfect! thanks so much! I'll take a look at some of your essays tonight too :)
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Eco Protectors - Lafayette: What do you do? Why do you do it? [10]

So if you're going to keep the first part, you're going to have to sacrifice the second part and delete a few of your accomplishments, as impressive as they are. You obviously accomplished a lot so I think if you delete a few it will not detract from all you did.

You know how when you are so passionate about something, you wake up every morning with a smile on your face and a jump in your step, ready to conquer the day? Well, that's not me. Most mornings I wake up groggy and tired from lack of sleep because I was busy planning the next activity of our club.

I cut a lot out but if its still over, like I said, cut out some of your accomplishments. Also, since it says it's informal, I think you'd be okay putting I've
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford roomate essay...vampire [9]

You're right about the letters, good catch on that one! Thanks for your help!

and to cocamb: for the president one I had taft being so fat that he had his own bathtub installed in the white house, but it was even more words. Maybe more interesting though?
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Stanford roomate essay...vampire [9]

Dear Roommate,

I'm just gonna come out with it: I'm a vampire. I don't like secrets--and it's not as if my sun-reflecting skin, Transylvanian heritage, and razor sharp canines wouldn't betray me anyhow. Now, being a vampire has its fair-share of disadvantages, but the ability to stay up all night is not one of them. In the wee hours of the night, when I'm not out hunting large-game in the Washingtonian backwoods with Robert Pattinson, I can frequently be spotted doing any of the following:

1. studying like a madwoman
2. running (in the dark nobody sees my dorky running gear)
3. dancing with my mother (also a vampire) to 90's throwback jams such as It Wasn't Me by Shaggy or Killing Me Softly by The Fugees

4. watching the news in french to improve my listening skills
5. painting that impressionist painting that I've been working on for three years
6. finishing a book (when I start a book, I finish it. That said, Pillars of the Earth was a long night)
7. reading the latest developments in Syria
8. pulling up to the drive through window of Taco Bell on a bike during a midnight potato soft taco run
9. reading fun facts about our presidents. Did you know teddy bears are named after Teddy Roosevelt, who refused to shoot a cub in the woods?

So if I ever keep you up, I apologize in advance. But on the bright-side...

11. You won't be doing the cleaning. I will. At 4 am.

Is this too weird? I feel like this essay is informal and I don't need to spend too much time worrying about it...Thanks!
maddigirl   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Eco Protectors - Lafayette: What do you do? Why do you do it? [10]

First of all, plan is not a phrasal verb and the "out" is unnecessary and sounds strange. I think to get rid of words you have two options:

1. cut out the first part entirely. Although it adds humor, this essay prompt is really only asking you about an extracurricular activity and that is all the college cares about

2. keep the first part but cut out as many unimportant phrases/words as you can, while still making sure the essay flows and makes sense. I can give you tons of examples of words you don't need: many, multiple, over the period of two months...

Also, this sentence left me confused: "Although we had thought we could easily handle it, the real world difficulties challenged all our learnings." Since you never addressed what these problems are, you can delete this sentence.

Good luck!
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