Essays / Unclear Writing Instructions? [13]

Chris, I wrote my last post while you were writing yours. I know that essay very well, and your description of it is very simplistic. That may be the problem. You may have done what's called setting up a straw man and knocking him down (or burning a paper tiger) -- giving an inaccurate summary of someone else's position and then arguing against that. It's good that you will meet with the teacher so that she can explain to you the grading while you are both looking over the essay. Again, listen to what she says. It's fine to advocate for yourself, but you will get nowhere if the teacher feels you are only arguing and not listening.

Essays / Unclear Writing Instructions? [13]

"In Praise of the 'F' Word" by Mary Sherry is anthologized in The Longman Writer (7th Edition). It was originally a Newsweek My Turn column. It's not so much about scaring students by threatening to fail them as it is about the disservice done to students by passing them when they have not gained the requisite skills.

Undergraduate / LMU supplement essay- REFLECTIONS FROM HER OLDER SELF [7]

I second that emotion!

Research Papers / Lung Cancer is one of the most common cancers in the world; Research Essay [2]

Your grammar is not so bad. I am happy to offer sample edits and to give you guidance on editing your own essay. First I will tell you the kinds of errors you are making most frequently and how to fix them. Then I will offer some additional suggested corrections.

I notice that you commit the punctuation error known as the comma splice quite frequently. Here are some examples:

Lung cancer is formed when the cells of the lungs grow in an uncontrolled way, this creates a lump or a tumour which can either be malignant (cancerous) or benign (not cancerous).

Surgeries can remove tumours, radiation therapy kills cancer cells that cannot be removed by surgery

Very specific statistics were found, professional research was done for this article.

The article was written by two MDs, the wording is very professional, the effects on readers will be greater as well; the impact of their words is strong. multiple comma splices in one sentence here

This article was written by a non profit research organization, the article deals with the importance of healthy diets and the cure of cancer.

There are many more! In each instance, you have used a comma to splice together two phrases that could be complete sentences on their own. Instead of a comma, you should join the phrases with a semi-colon or separate them with a period.

This links to the primary problem with your writing in this piece: You try to do too much in each sentence. Sometimes you do correctly use semi-colons, rather than commas, to join two or more main clauses together into a single sentence. At other times, you mix commas and semi-colons as in the last example above. Either way, your sentences read awkwardly, because you are trying to fit too much information into each sentence.

There's no need to do that! Look at this sentence, which has two comma splices:

Cigarettes are full of poison and toxic chemicals, the ingredients affect everything from functions of organs to body's immune system, the damages can be widespread and fatal.

You could correct the punctuation by changing the commas to semi-colons, but why? Why put all of that into a single sentence? Why not make it three short, simple, clear sentences? Or, at minimum, break the first clause off into its own sentence and then join the other two with a semi-colon, since they are closely related.

In general, the only time to combine clauses that could stand as their own sentences into a single sentence is when they are part of a single thought.

Here are a few additional specific suggestions:

Terry,T he author of this article did a lot of research on cigarette and the chemicals used to make itproviding d etailed information about each chemical and how it affects functions of human organs.

A very short article listing all the negative effects of unbalanced diets.

Thorough explanations were given for each; I needed more.

Writing Feedback / I came to knew about Jesus at young age; My salvation testimony - kindly edit. [4]

Be sure to keep your verb tense consistent, writing in the past tense except when you are talking about the present.

During my high school years, I have longed to become an active christian at school. I have desired to be used by God in making Him known to my fellow students.

Things were changed when I entered college.

I felt so weak and could easily get tired. Due to this situation, I was forced to leave my teaching job to take a rest. I went home to my parents and told them that I was on a vacation.

I had reached point zero. I felt that I was dying that moment.

Essays / paragraph about the battle of Fromelles [3]

Have you looked up the information you will need to write the paragraph? Do that first, then list the things you want to include in the paragraph. If it's just an introductory paragraph, you probably just want to provide basic information about the battle and what happened because of it. Working from the list, draft your paragraph. Post it here for feedback.

Writing Feedback / Random weightlifting reflection piece. [3]

"Random practice," as you put it, is such an excellent way to improve your writing, especially when you can get feedback, as you can here. As a writer who has been scribbling in notebooks since childhood (long before the internet), often just practicing by writing a "random" descriptive passage or argument, I feel a kinship with you for seeking to improve your writing in this way.

I find this essay charming in its style and content. Here are my suggestions for improvement:

Start the third paragraph with "weightlifting" rather than "it" -- In general, when starting a new paragraph, use a noun rather than a pronoun that refers back to the previous paragraph.

That's so true: Weightlifting isn't like the teachers who praise you or the assholes who makes you feel insignificant; it conveys a sense of real accomplishment in this chaotic world.

Well, I am certainly not an expert -- H ell, I am a borderline an intermediate lifter.

When you get demolished by a weight, you can do one of two things:

I do what I love for the fun of it; I will take the plunge and follow my passion of nutrition, fitness, economics, and human physiology.

Undergraduate / "Son,I want you to be an owner of a big department store";Ryerson - Retail Management [4]

Why not tell them which retail industry in which your father (and you) work? That would give the essay more detail.

Here are some suggested corrections:

"Son, I want you to be an owner of a big department store one day when you grow up. " M y father used to say these words to me all the time when I was in school.

He used to use various strategies to sell the products and maximize his profits.

These things made me a bit curious to learn more about business.

Start a new paragraph with "My dream seemed to come..."

There , I will be able to experience real-world learning.

Writing Feedback / April's first day essay - A Quick Grammer Check [5]

I really like this! I've got a couple of minor fixes too:

The bus bursts into whispers and giggles

I tighten my backpack straps

Also, I wonder about switching from present to past tense for your final lines, "I said nothing," "I didn't ask anything," and "I did no prank." Personally, I think the piece would be stronger if those, like the rest, were in present tense.

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

Mustafa, I encourage you not to let it drop for too long. You were impelled to write it and then to post it here later and spend all of this time discussing it. That means you really want to say what it says. And I do think there's an audience for it. Just say so if you'd like to discuss your options for publishing it once you've got it polished.

Book Reports / To Kill a Mockingbird - Self-respect and Injustice [8]

Yes, I agree, some brainstorming is in order. Think about self-respect in relation to each of those characters in turn, jotting down everything you can think of. How does the character's self-respect (or lack thereof) influence his or her actions? Does it grow or change in the course of the book? What scenes in the book indicate something about the character's self-respect?

Only once you have decided what you want to say about each character can you then frame a thesis statement that will express your viewpoint concisely. Feel free to come back here once you have a draft thesis statement for some help on outlining and drafting the essay itself.

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

There are a number of online progressive publications that accept, and sometimes publish, unsolicited essays. Press Action, Freezerbox, Dissident Voice, Brainbox, ZNet, and Common Dreams all come to mind. I think they would be more, rather than less, interested in your piece knowing that you are only 17. Among opponents of war, there's a sense that older generations have (obviously) not yet figured this out, and an openness -- even an eagerness -- to hear what thoughtful young people have to say.

If the essay were not accepted by any of those publications, then you could publish it yourself on IndyMedia, which is a sort of D-I-Y publication, with sites in most major cities as well as global and national cites. Anyone can upload an essay.

Writing Feedback / itels essay: should children learn foreign language from elementary school? [7]

At the same time, your argument about linguistic diversity is compelling, particularly in culture on the brink of language extinction. But, then, wouldn't the remedy be to teach the endangered language as the foreign language? Children's brains are so plastic when it comes to language that it's not hard for them to become fully bilingual or even trilingual.

But let's turn to the writing rather than the content of the essay, because here is where you are still needing work. For the most part, your sentence structure is fine, but your verb tense is sometimes off. Also I notice that you sometimes leave out the article -- a, and or the -- before the noun when one is needed or put in an article when one is not needed. (That's a common error -- it's so hard to keep straight when they are needed and when not.) I also notice that you sometimes choose the wrong preposition -- another very common error, as prepositions function so differently in different languages.

Here are some suggested corrections:

With the increasingly rapid economic globalization, learning a foreign language becomes more important than ever before. Meanwhile, the thorny issue of whether children should begin the foreign language study in primary school, is heated argued by the public.

From my own perspective, each side has has both merits and demerits: It doesn't matter whether children begin to learn foreign language in elementary school or later .

Nevertheless, asking children to learn a foreign language is, to some extent, a hazard to the diversity of the languages and culture.

As we all know , children know a little mount of their own history and policy, so it is easy for them to misunderstand why they need to learn a foreign language. Furthermore, young children are lack of the ability to distinguish the right from wrong.

Writing Feedback / People should read only those books which are real events& real person [10]

Right, most essays are graded by means of a rubric. Often the rubric has a specified number of points to be given only if the writer has provided supporting evidence. Examples are not the only kind of supporting evidence. However, when writing an timed or in-class essay, where there is not the possibility to look up studies or statistics that would prove your point, examples will be the only kinds of supporting evidence you can provide.

Undergraduate / brief essay explaining your educational and career goals [7]

I moved this to its own thread, as it is a new essay.

You tend to do what I call "going comma crazy," throwing in commas all over the place. In the first sentence, the only comma necessary is the last one -- omit the other two. In the next sentence, omit the comma after 2009 and also strike the word "yet" and the comma after it.

In the next paragraph, omit the comma after the parenthetical reference to the help of Professor Vance.

Repunctuate your penultimate sentence as follows:

Upon graduation, I plan to get the necessary training and become a registered pediatric echocardiographer;and with the excellent training that I am receiving in adult echocardiography at ACC, I believe the transition will be a smooth one.

Writing Feedback / ielts essay: should governments pay university course fees? [3]

Suggested changes:

"Yet, it is indisputable that the tuition is really high, and some families cannot afford it.For this reason, I personally insist that it should be a duty of the government to pay the course fees."

Omit comma after "We all know"

"In order to encourage this kind of students to continue to work hard to gain more professional skills so that they can lead high quantity lives after they graduate , it is a vital and effective option for the governments to pay for their tuition.

"More importantly, this would not only aid individuals , but also for governments."

These two sentences -- "To sum up, paying the cursers is a symbol of society progress. It gives people dwelling in the society a kind of belonging, and makes individuals become more unity." -- are so awkwardly phrased that it is difficult to decipher their meaning.

Writing Feedback / People should read only those books which are real events& real person [10]

It partly depends on how precisely you made your points and whether you supported them with logic.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

I'm so glad to see this thread. I'll add one now and more another day.

Appeal to Faulty Authority. Claiming or citing expertise or authority that seems valid but, upon reflection, is dubious or invalid. "As a breast cancer survivor, I can tell you that [some form of treatment] doesn't work." An oncologist would be a reliable authority on the efficacy, or lack thereof, of various treatments. A breast cancer survivor knows what it's like to have breast cancer, and might even know that a particular treatment didn't work in her case, but merely having a disease doesn't automatically make you an expert on that disease and its treatment.

Real world example: Relatives of 9-11 victims testify before Congress about what should be done to combat terrorism. Of course, those who have lost family members to terrorism know that terrorism is a grave danger and have the right to call for more to be done. But losing a brother or uncle to a terrorist attack doesn't make one an expert on the respective efficacy of different ways of fighting terrorism.

And of course, the most common example of all: "because I said so and I'm your mother."

Notoman, in answer to your question, this is usually taught in philosophy, cursorily in introductory courses and then more thoroughly in logic. But the best composition textbooks and teachers include instruction on fallacies, so that their students learn to recognize and avoid them.

Book Reports / King Lear naivety and inability to control his emotions (ENG4U class) [17]

Romeo, What an interesting essay! You make it seem almost as if King Lear has a happy ending. It's always so fascinating to me to see the different ways that people read and think about this classic play.

I'd like to see a stronger first sentence. What you have now is fine, but could be so much more precise and, therefore, individual. Draw the reader in with a description of Lear at the start and end of his journey or with a less common statement about paths in life.

I'd also like you to go through the essay and ruthlessly eliminate unneeded words such as "particular" in "Lear goes through six particular stages..."

In terms of punctuation, I notice that you sometimes use semi-colons incorrectly. Here are a couple of fixes.

Such hostility, however, ultimately leads to overbearing anguish and suffering followed by madness as Lear attempts to cope with such raging emotions.

These characteristics are unfit for a king and thus only one conclusion can be drawn:that Lear has been overcome by madness.

By, the way, I noticed that your feedback to other Forum users was very helpful. Thanks for participating so actively!

Grammar, Usage / Critical Thinking - to form well thought out and defensible arguments in papers [13]

The judges in Roe v. Wade did use critical thinking, and the continuing controversy does, I think, show the limits of logic in questions like this. That decision hinged on the question: When does the developing embryo become a person with rights of his or her own? They answered this by determining that so long as the embryo/fetus could not exist apart from the mother, it was still part of her body rather than a separate being vested with rights. Women get to decide what to do with their own bodies. Hence, abortions in the first trimester are entirely at the discretion of the mother. After the first trimester, when the embryo/fetus could (with assistance) live outside of the womb, a balancing of rights must be made, and thus abortions are permitted when carrying the child to term would threaten the physical or mental health of the mother but not otherwise. What's interesting to me is that very few people on either side of the question discuss this aspect of that decision.

Writing Feedback / ielts essay - Useing animals for the benefit of the human beings [4]

Experimenting on humans would bring even more benefits, since animals' bodies are so very different than ours. (That's why so many drugs deemed safe after testing on animals end up killing people.) Why not allow scientists to experiment on orphaned human babies or on prisoners? You've not explained why it is acceptable to experiment on one class of sentient living being but not on another. You've assumed the very thing you need to prove, that it is acceptable to do to animals something that it would be unacceptable to do to humans.

Essays / "The Great Depression changed the American governments views" - essay help [5]

You can't even think? Uh-oh!

What comes to your mind when you think of the Great Depression? Do you have a clear before and after image? If not, then before following Sean's excellent advise, you may want to just refresh your memory on the basics of what happened by, for example, consulting Wikipedia or a history textbook on the Great Depression. Then, as Sean said, you can do some reading on the specific question of the changed role of the government during that era.

Grammar, Usage / Critical Thinking - to form well thought out and defensible arguments in papers [13]

Sean, I don't see how the inherent value of life in any way undercuts the judges' reasoning in that case. People are allowed to have surgeries in which they remove living tissue from themselves. The question is: At what point does this particular form of living tissue become a separate being vested with rights separate from those of the being in whose body it is lodged? In some ways, this case shows the limits of Aristotelean logic, with its clear-cut distinctions that are not always consistent with biological reality. (Paradoxes are disallowed by logic but occur in nature all the time.) During pregnancy, the woman-child entity is both one person and two people at the same time. People on both sides of the question have a very difficult time thinking from within that biological reality, tending instead to act as though it's clearly only one person or clearly two people. In Roe v. Wade, the judges tried to parse the problem via science, using the standard of viability outside of the womb as the point at which one person becomes two. It's probably the best we can do, working from within a manner of thinking that is in some ways inimical to thinking complexly about biology and ecology, but it obviously doesn't convince everybody.

Essays / Thesis statement about children with gay fathers - Need advice [8]

Well, what do you think of the essay? What was its thesis? Did you agree or disagree? Why? Did they make any particularly good points? Was there anything they got wrong or neglected to say? What are the implications of what they wrote?

Jot down your answers to those questions, reviewing the essay you are analyzing as you go, and what you want to say in response to the essay will begin to emerge. Once you have a start, post it here for feedback.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

Non Sequitor (it does not follow). Drawing a conclusion that does not logically follow from the premises. Sean's example of an appeal to anger above is also a non sequitor. That war should be declared on Saudi Arabia does not logically follow from the fact that the hijackers were Saudi Arabian.

Undergraduate / 'Economics in Chengdu' - Letter of motivation to University of Amsterdam [13]

Good point about "everyday" versus "every day." Students make that error so often!

Essays / My first essay-its on Thomas Hardy. [5]

The thesis is the message or controlling idea of the essay.

Looking at the list provided by your teacher, it seems you have a lot of latitude in choosing your essay topic. You might want to offer a biography of Thomas Hardy, give an assessment of the influences on his work, put his work in historical context, or discuss the use of dialect or of light and color in one or more of his works.

What have you read by or about Hardy? What interests you most about him or his work? Which of the possible topics given by your teacher appeals to you or seems like something you could write easily?

Essays / My first essay-its on Thomas Hardy. [5]

I'm glad to see that your creativity is sparking. Since it's your first essay, just be sure not to try to do too much. Once you've done some research and settled in on a topic, narrow your focus to a thesis that can be adequately covered in just three pages. Good luck!

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

Begging the Question: Framing the question so that what needs to be proved is assumed or, in other words, assuming that which has to be proved.

It drives me crazy, by the way, when people say "that begs the question..." when what they mean is "that raises the question." Immediately, that tells me that the speaker or writer is not well-educated enough to know what "beg the question" really means or is just too sloppy to care.

Grammar, Usage / Critical Thinking - to form well thought out and defensible arguments in papers [13]

Sean, I don't think I said what my position is, but you are right in assuming that I support reproductive autonomy for everybody. My personal feeling is close to that of Barack Obama, who uses what's called Rogerian reasoning when talking about this issue. (See! Back to critical thinking!) In Rogerian reasoning, one seeks to resolve a dispute, insofar as possible, by finding common ground. In addition to being a good kind of problem-solving, this allows one, as he does, to state one's own position after one has established some common ground with the opposition. It is thus especially effective in persuasive speech or writing.

How Obama uses Rogerian reasoning concerning abortion is by identifying the reduction of unwanted pregnancies as a goal that both sides can agree is essential. There's so much we could do to reduce unwanted pregnancies -- and, thereby, reduce abortions -- that we could be doing if we weren't spending so much time and money fighting for or against a woman's right to choose abortion. By stating his own antipathy for abortion, even as he respects a woman's right to make that choice, and by showing that he understands that once a woman is pregnant when she didn't want to be, the tragedy has already happened -- she's traumatized no matter what happens next -- Obama gains the ability to be listened to seriously by all except the most extreme on both sides. Hence, Rogerian reasoning is both a practical form of problem-solving and a useful rhetorical device.

Continuing on the subject of critical thinking, most composition textbooks will identify processes such as division and classification, comparison and contrast, and breaking down a process into its component parts as important cognitive abilities associated with good writing. Those who -- as I do -- work from within the perspective of ecocomposition believe that synthetic thinking -- the ability to put things together -- is just as important as critical thinking -- the ability to break things into their component parts. Ecocompositionists stress ecological thinking -- the ability to see the relationships among the components in complex systems -- as a vital cognitive ability whether one is writing about ecosystems or social/economic/psychological processess.

Book Reports / To Kill a Mockingbird - Self-respect and Injustice [8]

Good!

... to suggest that by retaining self-respect

The characters through which she communicates this are...

As for your spotlight intro: Which scene in the book that illustrates your thesis stands out most strongly in your mind? Instead of quoting, you could describe that dramatic moment.

Writing Feedback / "the disparity (gap) between rich and poor" - sample writing [4]

You seem to be coming down on the side of the anti-redistributionists, who you say attribute the gap between rich and poor to the structure of the economy. If the structure of the economy remains the same, only grows larger due to government stimulus, won't the gap due to the structure still be there?

A few grammar/punctuation fixes:

"According to the Human Development Reports of United Nations Development Program, the US has..."

"Statistics showing the gap between those who have and those who don't are impossible to overlook." -- the subject of the verb is "statistics," which is plural

"Some economists might argue..."

The sentence that begins "Since redistribution means..." runs on too long. Break it into two or more sentences.

Writing Feedback / Test essay: Should children obey authority? [7]

(I moved this to its own thread because it is a new essay.)

I like your image of "a sea of students" fighting with each other and becoming thieves and robbers.

I think that the essay would be stronger if you could give an example of both what you would consider an acceptable rule and what you would consider unacceptable restriction.

A few sample corrections:

"Whenever and wherever, the topic of how to educate the next generation is heatedly debated ."

"astray" is one word

"...these restrictions do harm for the development of students' minds ."

"teachers are supposed to give them useful advice ..."

Writing Feedback / Test essay: Should children obey authority? [7]

Yes, the structure seems clear to me. In preparing for the exam, read some of the TOEFL and IELTS essays posted by other users on this site. Read the essay and all of the comments, to see the kinds of mistakes to avoid and to get tips on improving your own essays. Try to think of your own comments, as a way to practice thinking about writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay : Nowadays majority of people are trying to live in the cities [6]

This is very strong as an IELTS essay. Watch out for prepositions, articles, and verb tenses.

Results of a recent survey of five thousand individuals representingby the same age groups as that of previousa survey ten years ago have revealed a significant shift in preference concerning whether people want to live in the cities or in the towns.

The ratio of people who want to live in the cities has increased by 30% as compared to the previous survey.

Given that (omit comma) the composition of respondents is approximately the same as it was in the previous survey, and there is some overlapping population of respondents in the previous and the recent survey, this shift of preference may have profound implications for the future planning by the government.

There are variety of reasons of shift in preference by the same age group people to live in the cities.

I belong to a small town but shifted to a city soon after my A levels in order to pursue further studies, and have been living in the city since then.

Each has its own merits and demerits.
or
Both haveits own merits and demerits.

Book Reports / To Kill a Mockingbird - Self-respect and Injustice [8]

I would omit the sentence that starts "This quote means..." If you do keep that sentence, say something like "What Kennedy meant..." or omit the words "This quote means that," starting the sentence with "Whenever..."

I notice you sometimes leave out commas:

If the choices are good, the character...
If the choices are bad, it shows...

But "it shows" is a weak phrase, as is "it would" in the next sentence. Indeed, that whole string of sentences is weak. How can you make these sentences stronger? I'll do one, and then you or another user can try the others.

Characters demonstrate self-respect by making good choices.

Undergraduate / brief essay explaining your educational and career goals [7]

Manish, to get help from others, you have to first provide feedback to two other users. Do that, and you will be able to start a new thread with your question. When you do that, be sure to use full words when saying what you need -- that will be good practice for writing whatever it is you need to write, as abbreviations and acronyms are not to be used (except in selected instances) in formal writing.

Essays / Thesis statement about children with gay fathers - Need advice [8]

Your thesis is self-contradictory. You say that gay fathers are "not markedly different" but then list two differences, that they "try to create a more stable environment and more positive relationships." This is just a structural problem with how you have phrased the thesis. The idea itself -- that sexual orientation does not change the priorities of fathers and that, indeed, gay fathers may be even more motivated to create stable environments and positive relationships -- is sound and supported by research.

Writing Feedback / a pretty short story, Return of satan [5]

Wow, this is a very interesting spin on the story of God, Satan, and Michael. Where did you get the idea? Which aspects of the plot are your own invention? If you've stuck closely to the plot of the work by another writer, you probably should give that writer credit by writing "Inspired by..." or "After... " (giving title and author) just after the title of your own piece.

Poetry / William Blake Poetry Paper [23]

This is a coherent and carefully argued exegesis. I notice that Blake's way of phrasing things seems to have influenced your own style in this piece, which is different than your style in the other piece of yours that I've seen.

I'd like to see a stronger conclusion. I'm not sure what "the power of imagination
and creative energy must transpire beforehand" means, exactly. Also, the very last sentence seems an odd note on which to end the piece.

I see that you have done some cutting. I'd like to see you be even more ruthless, forcing yourself to punctuate those long, flowing sentences with at least a few concise sentences that go straight to the point. That will make the piece more readable, as people tend to tire of reading the same kinds of sentences over such a long piece. Also, the short sentences will have greater impact, so use them to make (or reiterate) your most important points.