Writing Feedback / Essay on the Types of Germs - bacteria [22]

Do not cry! Just take it step by step, and your writing will improve.

I notice that not much time elapsed between when you got the feedback and when you reposted the essay. That was not enough time to review your English learning materials for the rules about articles and plurals and then go sentence by sentence carefully.

So, I am continuing to think that one problem is that you are in too much of a hurry!

What you need to do -- just on the problem of plurals -- is to go through each sentence, looking at each noun and asking whether you have properly used the singular or plural form. If the noun is the subject of a sentence, then you must also check to make sure that the verb matches the noun -- singular noun with singular verb, plural noun with plural verb.

After doing that, you can start to think about punctuation, again reviewing your learning materials before going through your essay sentence by sentence.

So, for example, if you did that and then considered this sentence:
It is, consist of single cell and its tiny usually cannot see it without using a microscope.
you would see that the verb does not match the noun -- "it" is singular, "consist" is plural -- and you also have an extra verb in there. Is "it" proper? Yes, if it refers to a single protozoan parasite. Hmm... just to be sure your reader does not misunderstand, why not say "protozoan parasite" instead of "it"?

So, then you would have:
A protozoan parasiteis consists of single cell and its tiny usually cannot see it without using a microscope.

It is not correct yet! I said you should review articles. Just as we needed an "a" before "protozoan parasite," we need an "a" before "single cell."

So, then you would have:
A protozoan parasite consists of a single cell and its tiny usually cannot see it without using a microscope.

It's still not correct! Now we have to turn to punctuation. You have written "its" when you mean "it is." It's fine to use the contraction, but you must remember the apostrophe or the word has a different meaning. Also, you have combined two sentences into one, leaving out the subject of the second sentence.

Fixing all of those things, you would have
A protozoan parasite consists of a single cell, and it' s tiny; you usually cannot see it without using a microscope.

As you can see, that took a lot of time. This is why I would like to see you take a lot of time going over your sentences carefully, looking first at noun and their articles, then at verbs, and finally at punctuation, before posting the essay as revised.

Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Paper - appearance vs reality [6]

Well, what do you want to say?

Book Reports / Macbeth Thesis - help with choosing the right quote [8]

You've gotten ahead of yourself, choosing a thesis before analyzing the passage. The thesis must flow from the analysis of the passage, not vice versa. Again, I say, Follow your teacher's instructions. Underline all of the important words in the passage. Do some brainstorming based on those words and phrases... what ideas or images do they evoke. Next, jot down the speaker, purpose, context, and tone of the passage. Finally, look at everything you've written down to find your thesis about the quote.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

Rajiv, not believing in a "maker," I hesitate to comment on the content of the religious reflections of those who do. So, I will confine my comments to style.

This reads to me more like a meditation than an essay. An essay has an introduction and conclusion, in between which some points are argued. It has to be well structured in order to be effective. In a meditation, the writer is more free to follow his or her thoughts, wherever they may lead, even if they lead in unexpected directions that are not consistent with previous paragraphs.

Sometimes, religious writers polish meditations to publish. At other times, the meditation serves as raw material for a more structured piece.

Essays / Relationship between commerce and culture in Early Modern Europe [5]

That's a very interesting question. What sort of help are you seeking? Have you settled in on which areas you will focus? Either way, you can use a compare-contrast style of organization. Or, you could use both places as case examples of the same over-arching theme. But you can't do anything until you choose the places and then do some brainstorming (or research, depending on how much you already know) to answer the question for each and then see how the two relate to one another.

Essays / Relationship between commerce and culture in Early Modern Europe [5]

Good! There are plenty of commonalities between those places at that time, although they took very different paths thereafter. What will be your thesis? Do you believe that commerce stimulated Renaissance in both cases? If so, how? Can we see the influence of commerce in the cultural productions of those times? And did culture then circle around and influence commerce? Why or why not?

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]


These questions are so genuine, that I feel honor-bound to reply in kind. Many years ago, when I was just 17, I took a university course in philosophy in which I was introduced to existentialism. The more that I read of that philosophy, the more I realized that it reflected what I believed. In short: You are what you do. You create your meaning through your choices. Because your choices help to create the social and material world in which others live, you are ethically obligated to choose mindfully, assuming full responsibility for the impact of your actions (or inactions).

What I've found in the years since is that, no matter how often I reflect, no matter from what direction, I come back to that same position. It truly is what I believe.

There are theistic existentialists and atheistic existentialists. Me, I don't believe in a maker who stands (or floats) outside of the world, but I do accept something like the Gaia hypothesis, which holds that the biosphere is something like an organism that is greater than the sum of its parts; similarly, I know that ecosystems are greater than the sum of their parts. Those are my version of a higher power, I guess. They doesn't stand outside of me; I participate in them, trying to do so as mindfully as I can.

As to questions about awareness, perception, consciousness, etc., I do enjoy thinking about those things, especially as new findings emerge. There's an interesting new(ish) book called Philosophy in the Flesh: The Embodied Mind and Its Challenge to Western Thought by Lakoff and Johnson that you might enjoy.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay : Nowadays majority of people are trying to live in the cities [6]

In my opinion, your overall writing level is good.

Writing Feedback / A paragraph to persuade someone not to smoke [3]

This will fix an error and increase variety of structures:

F ive million people died last year from lung cancer due to the deadly smoking habit of somking,y et sales of cigarettes increased by ten percent this year as compared to last year.

I like your use of questions! But, be sure to place the question mark right next to the word it follows, as follows:

Is smoking not a waste of time and money?

Again, the overall quality of your writing is quite good.

Writing Feedback / Essay about: what would you change of your former high school? [14]

This is improved, but you will have to keep working on it if you want it to be good enough to be considered for admission. As it stands now, you still have words that distort the meanings of your sentences.

Henry David Thoreau said, "Simplify, simplify, simplify," and this is what you must do.

First, you must simplify your words, using only words that you are absolutely certain are correct in the way that you are using them.

For example: "consequently of their timidity" should be, simply, "because of their timidity."

Next, you must simplify your sentence structures, going straight to the point.

For example, your first sentence is unduly ornate, starting with a contrary statement and therefore making the reader work hard to figure out what you mean.

In the contrary of the words sports or social events, every time I hear phrases like exams, presentations, essays, textbooks, or dictations, I immediately visualize a school environment.

It's OK if readers have to work hard to understand complex thoughts, but not something as simple as you are expressing here. I think what you mean to say is:

When I imagine a school environment, I envision exams, presentations, essays, textbooks, and dictations rather than sports or social events.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the Types of Germs - bacteria [22]

In your conclusion, you will want to summarize the kinds of germs you have discussed and perhaps restate the importance of protecting oneself.

Essays / Essay on myself, how to write it? [35]

For what purpose do you have to write this essay? What do you want to say about yourself?

Prewriting -- what you do before you write -- is the most important phase of writing. Identify your purpose, message, and audience; think about what that means for the tone and content of what you will write. Then brainstorm the things you want to say. Once you have a complete list of the things you want to say, you can create an outline in which you put those things in a logical order. Only after doing all of that are you ready to write. But, because you have done all of that, the actual writing will be easy.

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose to Edinburgh University (logical extention of my academics) [5]

Yes, it makes sense. You tend to leave out punctuation marks, though, and that interferes with comprehension.

One Thursday, I came to work and found out that a PIG was stocked in the Gas Transportation Pipeline, and as a result I was given an article about computational Rheology, which was very useful in helping to understand the releasing procedure of clogged up underwater/ subsurface objects.

Going through that article and understanding its principals took the major part of my day;and at that moment I realised I would really need to come back to University to expand on my knowledge and, more importantly, to finish what I started.

In addition, this without a doubt would require an unwavering dedication; having said that I can assure you that I will live up to the challenge and hence would greatly appreciate that you consider me for admission to this course.

Furthermore, these and other sentences stretch the limits of what is permissible within a single sentence. Try breaking these and other long sentences into more concise sentences.

Grammar, Usage / Simple ways of improving my writing and structure. [8]

The Elements of Style or, really, just about any writer's handbook will walk you through the different sentence structures.

The most important thing in the use of metaphor or simile is for your images to be fresh and unique. So, when you are thinking of describing or comparing someone or something, let your mind drift and see what images appear before your mind's eye. Or, you can ask yourself questions. If you are describing a very quiet scene and would like to use a metaphor or simile, ask yourself, "what is the most quiet place I can imagine?"

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose to Edinburgh University (logical extention of my academics) [5]

Going through that article and understanding its principals took the major part of my day. At that moment, I realised I would really need to come back to University to expand on my knowledge and, more importantly, to finish what I started.

My less than stellar academic achievements in years two and three were partly due to falling ill on my second year. Nonetheless, I am more mature, focused, and goal-oriented than I was at the time.

Almost all of your sentences actually contain the elements of two or more sentences.

Undergraduate / short answer on extracurricular activities (need to reduce the word count) [5]

To make this a real learning experience, compare Gautama and Notoman's versions -- which stay close to your own but omit unneeded sentences and words -- to your original. You can see that they have cut empty words, like "really," and sentences where you repeat yourself. With care, you can learn to edit yourself in the same way, learning to write more concisely and, therefore, more powerfully.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

I like what you are doing here, exploring ideas in dialogue. As with your meditation, this is writing as process rather than writing as product. I'm glad to see you "thinking on paper." Putting your thoughts into words forces one to clarify them. Putting them into words for a real reader forces your to be even more precise and clear. When your writer writes back, s/he challenges you even further.

Essays / comparing the tragic flaws in Hamlet and Gatsby [15]

Here's a way to think about it. Imagine that Hamlet and Gatsby are both your friends and you invited them to a party. Imagine them in the same house or room. Hmm... I notice that they both are brooding. You have another friend, a woman, who wants to know if she should go out with one of them. Would you fix up your friend with either one of them? If not, why not? What would you tell her is wrong with Hamlet? With Gatsby?

Book Reports / I have trouble developing a thesis statement for Oedipus the King [10]

Yes, that is a unique reading of that classic play. Can you say why you feel this is the main moral of the story? You mention the revelation that changes Oedipus' view of himself. But should this revelation change our view of him?

Essays / comparing the tragic flaws in Hamlet and Gatsby [15]

I see we posted at the same time. Your latest post suggests that we tell you what to write on your exam. That is not the purpose of this site. We are happy to help you think through the question and also to give you feedback on the thesis and supporting arguments that you devise for yourself.

Undergraduate / UCF Essay:Why did you choose to apply to UCF? ("Christmas 1997") [3]

Right, you say that ECF has "much to offer." If you really did look at a lot of different schools, then why -- exactly -- did you choose ECF?

I like the idea of starting with the Christmas story, but you move too quickly from that to the present day. Have you done anything in the intervening years that expresses your love of and excitement for biochemistry?

Essays / comparing the tragic flaws in Hamlet and Gatsby [15]

Your thesis statement should assert your thesis and summarize your arguments. "Hamlet and Gatsby are [fill-in-the-blank] because [argument 1], [argument 2], and [argument 3]."

In a compare-contrast essay, you discuss similarities and differences. There are several ways to organize. If there are more similarities than differences, you may want to have your thesis focus on the similarities and then devote most of the essay to comparison (discussing those similarities), reserving only the paragraph right before the conclusion for contrast (discussing differences).

Book Reports / I have trouble developing a thesis statement for Oedipus the King [10]

Those are all good ideas, Notoman.

It's important to remember that the writer of Oedipus the King had a very different world view than many people today. The belief in fate, for example, was very strong. And so the moral that the author had in mind may be very different than we can even imagine. Of course, one of the joys of art is that different people can draw different conclusions from the same work. That's why Notoman's question about the assignment is important. If you only have to say what you got out of the story, that is different than having to say what you believe the author was trying to communicate.

Essays / Essay on myself, how to write it? [35]

Welcome, Sajid. (And all other new members!) Feel free to look around, offer feedback to others, and post your own questions or draft essays for feedback.

Research Papers / "Going the extra distance" - research paper -- and customer service [11]

I agree with Notoman, your prof probably will downgrade you if you use Wikipedia as the source of your definition. Find a more credible source.

Speaking of which, one way to add substance and elaboration to an essay is to do a little more research. If you can find even one more book, chapter, article, or credible website to cite, you will probably find more than enough information to fill up the requisite pages.

Quotes from your sources -- if used sparingly -- can also add substance and elaboration. Don't go crazy with this, as teachers get cranky when they can see that a student has used long quotations to fill up space. I'm not saying to do that! But it can be very useful to quote one or two especially well-worded sentences from each of your sources.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - should history be a mandatory course to university students? [5]

This is a well worded and well argued essay. Your grammar and punctuation are very good, with only a few minor errors that do not inhibit comprehension.

Each of your arguments is cogent and supported by both logic and examples. I'd like to see you make a third argument, though.

Here are a few suggested corrections:

...I am with the position that every university student...

...history is the pride of a country with over two thousand years' civilization.

--or--

...history is the pride of our country, which can boast of over two thousand years' civilization.

Research Papers / Research paper on HR related topics [6]

To write a research paper, first you must choose your topic and then do some research.

What are your interests in the field of Human Resources? What are some of the topics covered in your courses on the subject? What do you already know something about?

Do some brainstorming. Your paper will be better, and the work less burdensome, if you choose a topic about which you are genuinely interested or about which you already have some basic knowledge.

Once you have chosen a general topic, narrow your focus to a specific question. For example, if you were to settle on the topic of employee retention, you could then narrow your focus to ask something like "How have tech companies sought to retain the best and brightest workers?" or "What does the research suggest are the most important factors in the retention of medical industry workers?"

If you need help in narrowing your focus, just post again after you have done some brainstorming and settled on one or two possible topics. Let us know what you think about those topics and what your interests are.

Once you have narrowed your focus, then it's time to do your research! Again, we can give you some pointers once you have selected your topic.

Writing Feedback / ielts essay: Should students be taught to compete or to cooperate? [5]

This is quite good. I have just a few suggested corrections:

In order to survive in the competition, companies continue to improve their products and services.andA s a result, the whole society prospers.

On the other hand, the significance of competition is that it motivates people to pursue excellence in order to gain the victory.

Therefore, without the cooperation, there would be no victory in competition.

I like that way of looking at it, by the way!

Essays / "Growing up and self-improvement" essay - how can i write a topic? [7]

I believe the question is asking you for your opinions on self-improvement in the process of growing older. Do people automatically improve as they grow up or must they make some effort to improve themselves? What can people do to ensure that they improve as they grow older?

Writing Feedback / CBEST personal essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in your life [13]

In addition to Sean's excellent advice, let me offer a couple of specific fixes:

one-on -one

His talent as a teacher awed me. (Unless you were actually very frightened.)

While you are making your verbs stronger, be sure to keep your verb tense consistent!

Also, I notice that the prompt asks about an unforgettable person. I wonder if there was anything distinctive about the way that Mr. Taylor dressed, acted, or spoke that would help us to imagine him more clearly.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

Oh, heavens, I cannot possibly catch up on this thread! I will say, simply, that Frijof Capra's classic The Tao of Physics speaks directly to the question of Taoism and physics, and that Capra's more recent The Web of Life explores the implications of systems thinking not only in physics but in biology and other realms. Both are worth reading. Speaking of biology, the Gaia hypothesis, proposed initially by Lynn Margulis and James Lovelock (although Lovelock predictably tends to get all of the credit) posits that the biosphere functions as a complex system that seeks homeostasis by making the kinds of adjustments Rajiv seems to be suggesting.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

Rajiv, your writing was so sincere that it was only natural to respond in kind. I look forward to reading more of your work. And I do want to encourage you to see writing in terms of process as well as product. As we see sometimes when the journals or letters of famous scientists or writers are published, some of the best ideas arise from writing that is not aimed at a finished product.

Writing Feedback / Essay response to Thoreau - "Does adulthood takes away the true spirit of life?" [5]

It's good to know the basics of MLA citation. In general, provide the author's last name and the page number in parenthesis at the end of the sentence or phrase (but before the punctuation mark) unless you have named the author in the sentence itself, in which case only the page number is required. Then, provide full citation information on a "Works Cited" page, using the format specified by one of the online MLA style guides or the MLA style guide in your textbook or writer's handbook.

The essay is coherent until the last paragraph, the beginning of which does not follow from what has gone before. Your sentence structure is generally good, but you sometimes leave the endings off verbs. That kind of mistake is very jarring to the reader, so watch out for it:

...goes to college from 6pm to 10pm getting all stressed out...
She is immersed in work...

My only quibble with the content of the essay is that not all children are free from worry. Children living in extreme poverty or in otherwise stressful or abusive circumstances do not live the idyllic life you depict. Indeed, since children do live life so fully, they may suffer more than adults in similar circumstances. It might be good to acknowledge this, if only by adding some sort of qualification to your statement about children living problem-free lives.

A few other comments:

- The list of images of childhood is very evocative but the elements in the list do not agree in form.

The sentence that begins, "For instance..." is a fragment.

"Everyday" is an adjective. If you mean to say that someone goes to work every day or that the newspaper tells us something every day, do as I did and separate those words.

Writing Feedback / CBEST personal essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in your life [13]

However, I had a few math teachers, but only Mr. Taylor knew it how to make students to love math.

Always straight-laced and well dressed, Mr. Taylor spread into entire classroom a respectful attitude to the entire class .

His ties reminded me of the old cartoon network personages.

I like that detail!

Writing Feedback / Essay about: what would you change of your former high school? [14]

If I read you correctly, you would like your old high school to augment its emphasis on academics with more sport and other extra-curricular activities. So, I guess if you wanted to add more detail, you could make some specific proposals as to what activities to add.

Speeches / Need pointers for a persuasive speech in getting a patron for life [6]

Good strategy, although I would explain "gender" and "gender variant" before bringing out the term "gender therapist."

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

Mustafa,

Yes, unfair grading is shameful, hurtful, and never acceptable. I want to ask something delicately, though. You write as though this has happened to you more than once, with different teachers. Is that so? If so, have you given any thought to adjusting your classroom persona? Of course, you ought to be able to just be yourself. But, as you say, your GPA and graduate school are on the line so, if there is something you are doing that tends to make teachers dislike you, it might be wise to make a change. For example, I see that you are extremely intelligent. Sometimes very bright students show off their intelligence in ways that threaten the egos of less intelligent teachers. Even though they ought to be free to be however they like, in such cases it is smarter to adopt a more low-key classroom persona. Just a thought.

Book Reports / I have trouble developing a thesis statement for Oedipus the King [10]

Right. The author of Oedipus the King is not around to say what he meant to do, so any defensible thesis is acceptable. If the author is around, or has said what s/he meant to do, and one has a different reading, that's still acceptable, although there we verge into post-modern thinking about texts functioning independently of their authors' intentions.

Writing Feedback / CBEST personal essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in your life [13]

That's not a bad idea. Why not start fresh, with a vivid description of the man followed by a discussion of his impact on you?

Writing Feedback / ielts essay: Should students be taught to compete or to cooperate? [5]

Don't call your mistakes "stupid." Making mistakes is how we learn. I'm glad you are feeling more confident.