jgv115
Jul 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / The issue of knives in general and at school - an opinion/letter to the editor [5]
Thanks a lot Anthony! Your help is appreciated!
Thanks a lot Anthony! Your help is appreciated!
jgv115
Jul 21, 2010
Writing Feedback / The issue of knives in general and at school - an opinion/letter to the editor [5]
Sorry for the double post but I forgot to mention something.
In this, I wanted to be aggressive as possible (a persuasive technique), as a result, I have started to use colloquial language like "idiot". Is this okay for a letter to the editor?
Sorry for the double post but I forgot to mention something.
In this, I wanted to be aggressive as possible (a persuasive technique), as a result, I have started to use colloquial language like "idiot". Is this okay for a letter to the editor?
jgv115
Jul 21, 2010
Writing Feedback / The issue of knives in general and at school - an opinion/letter to the editor [5]
I have write an opinion/letter to the editor about the issue "knives in school".
This is my plan:
Intro: address the issue, why is it bad?
Paragraph 1: Talk about knives in general, give some stats
Paragraph 2: Talk about knives in school. What is the issue? Few stats. Examples
Paragraph 3: A possible solution - I think that the Australian community are resorting to violence to solve conflicts. So if we have a crackdown on weapons and fix this thinking it may just work
Conclusion.
This is what I have so far:
Hello everyone! Today I will be talking about an issue that is plaguing the Australian community, the issue is knives. The amount of knife attacks in the community has risen dramatically to an astonishing rate. What is more alarming is that a lot of attacks are happening in schools - a place where we are meant to feel safe! I think we should do something to
First paragraph:
To give you an idea how bad this issue is and how much it is rising, we have to look at the stats. According to the latest figures, the rate of robberies fell 17 percent after being adjusted for population. However, the number of robberies in which a knife was used, threatened or displayed rose 9.1 percent up to around 800 and robberies with an axe or tomahawk were up by 260 percent! If these figures don't sound crazy enough, police caught 58 children aged 10 to 14 with knives or bladed weapons, a 45 percent increase, and 287 teens aged 15 to 19. When we have half the knife robberies conducted by teenage kids, it proves that the kid and anyone who has direct responsibility for their actions are all idiots and as a community we should look down upon them! Honestly, these parents have to do something about their kids so they don't become unless people that contribute nothing to society. No one cares if your child thinks carrying a knife will protect him, the truth is that YOU know it is wrong and it is YOUR (not anyone else's) responsibility to deal with him/her correctly. The amount of stories I hear about knife attacks on the news and in the papers is just incredible, it is a disgrace that you need to factor in being assaulted or killed if you plan a night out in the city!
Solution para:
I think this issue is important and should be addressed quickly, I have created a few solutions that I think will help counter this dreadful issue. It might be simplistic but surely the solution to the increasing amount of knife attacks is to have a massive crackdown on anyone suspected of carrying such weapons and put them in jail! This is probably the best method in cracking down on knife holders. Seriously, if you are roaming around the city at night wielding a knife, it is not because you are going to your grandmother's house to help her chop the veges, it is because you want to be violent, you want to kill! We need ZERO TOLERANCE laws on people who are carrying these weapons, don't give them stupid fines, PUT THEM IN JAIL, let them learn so they are not just another piece of garbage that no one likes.
Any feedback? It is not complete yet but I want to see if I'm headed in the right direction first.
Thanks in advance!
I have write an opinion/letter to the editor about the issue "knives in school".
This is my plan:
Intro: address the issue, why is it bad?
Paragraph 1: Talk about knives in general, give some stats
Paragraph 2: Talk about knives in school. What is the issue? Few stats. Examples
Paragraph 3: A possible solution - I think that the Australian community are resorting to violence to solve conflicts. So if we have a crackdown on weapons and fix this thinking it may just work
Conclusion.
This is what I have so far:
Hello everyone! Today I will be talking about an issue that is plaguing the Australian community, the issue is knives. The amount of knife attacks in the community has risen dramatically to an astonishing rate. What is more alarming is that a lot of attacks are happening in schools - a place where we are meant to feel safe! I think we should do something to
First paragraph:
To give you an idea how bad this issue is and how much it is rising, we have to look at the stats. According to the latest figures, the rate of robberies fell 17 percent after being adjusted for population. However, the number of robberies in which a knife was used, threatened or displayed rose 9.1 percent up to around 800 and robberies with an axe or tomahawk were up by 260 percent! If these figures don't sound crazy enough, police caught 58 children aged 10 to 14 with knives or bladed weapons, a 45 percent increase, and 287 teens aged 15 to 19. When we have half the knife robberies conducted by teenage kids, it proves that the kid and anyone who has direct responsibility for their actions are all idiots and as a community we should look down upon them! Honestly, these parents have to do something about their kids so they don't become unless people that contribute nothing to society. No one cares if your child thinks carrying a knife will protect him, the truth is that YOU know it is wrong and it is YOUR (not anyone else's) responsibility to deal with him/her correctly. The amount of stories I hear about knife attacks on the news and in the papers is just incredible, it is a disgrace that you need to factor in being assaulted or killed if you plan a night out in the city!
Solution para:
I think this issue is important and should be addressed quickly, I have created a few solutions that I think will help counter this dreadful issue. It might be simplistic but surely the solution to the increasing amount of knife attacks is to have a massive crackdown on anyone suspected of carrying such weapons and put them in jail! This is probably the best method in cracking down on knife holders. Seriously, if you are roaming around the city at night wielding a knife, it is not because you are going to your grandmother's house to help her chop the veges, it is because you want to be violent, you want to kill! We need ZERO TOLERANCE laws on people who are carrying these weapons, don't give them stupid fines, PUT THEM IN JAIL, let them learn so they are not just another piece of garbage that no one likes.
Any feedback? It is not complete yet but I want to see if I'm headed in the right direction first.
Thanks in advance!
jgv115
Jan 25, 2010
Writing Feedback / My grandfather - Essay for school. [8]
Thank you for your time commet2000 and Kevin.
Thank you for your time commet2000 and Kevin.
jgv115
Jan 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / My grandfather - Essay for school. [8]
My grandfather - Essay for school (revised)
Few months back I posted My Grandfather and now I have updated it:
Could someone please read it and provide comments? Don't be afraid to be tough!
Thanks! Your time is appreciated :)
My grandfather - Essay for school (revised)
Few months back I posted My Grandfather and now I have updated it:
Could someone please read it and provide comments? Don't be afraid to be tough!
Thanks! Your time is appreciated :)
jgv115
Nov 25, 2009
Writing Feedback / My grandfather - Essay for school. [8]
Ok I get what you mean. Thanks for your contributions. It is appreciated :)
Ok I get what you mean. Thanks for your contributions. It is appreciated :)
jgv115
Nov 25, 2009
Writing Feedback / My grandfather - Essay for school. [8]
Anyone?
If you read the first paragraph and stop reading then it is probably too boring. If it is could you please say so?
Anyone?
If you read the first paragraph and stop reading then it is probably too boring. If it is could you please say so?
jgv115
Nov 24, 2009
Writing Feedback / My grandfather - Essay for school. [8]
I have to write an ancestral story and I decided to write it on my grandfather.
My main concerns are that it is too short and it is too boring. It would be appreciated if someone could help me a little.
====================================================================== ===
My Grandfather passed away September of last year. Although his death took a big toll on my family, it did not really affect me as much as it affected my cousins. We never really developed a fond relationship as he lives in Malaysia and I live in Australia. His memorable life had really no significance to me; this is until my dad explained to me the life he had lived, the hardships he went through and what he achieved. It was then that I wish I had tried harder to form a closer bond with him. Now I appreciate him as an individual and am grateful for the life changing decisions he made, which benefitted my life unimaginably.
My grandfather was born in 1939 on Hainan island China. He grew in poor family, in which he had an elder sister and younger brother. After he finished primary school, the CPC vs KMT Chinese Civil War was happening and the Japanese had occupied some of China. The family had no choice but to escape the country. They took nothing but a few bags, gave up all their money and retreated to Malaysia by boat. My grandfather was only twelve. In Malaysia, they worked at restaurants as chefs. My great grandfather had started a cafe/restaurant business which still runs today. They struggled through years of hardship but they figured that it was better than living through the war.
When my grandfather was old enough, he rented a house and moved to Kuala Lumpur by himself. He worked at the local KFCs to earn some money. He then moved on to work at a restaurant in Kuala Lumpur; where he would continue to serve the restaurant until he died. The restaurant now has been open for 90 years and is part of Malaysian heritage. When he was 26 he got married and had 3 kids one of which is my father. After all these years of working, things were starting to look better. Although his family was still extremely poor, they survived through the harsh conditions.
My dad was second child, with two siblings. When he graduated from high school, there were not many opportunities in Malaysia to study. This is because the Malaysian government do not allow many Chinese to enter Malaysian Universities; they believe the Chinese will fill the university leaving no space for the disadvantaged native Malay. Due to the fact that my dad did so well in high school, my grandfather pulled out his life savings and sent my father to Taiwan to study. I am really grateful of this altruistic sacrifice as it helped my father start a new life which would ultimately affect me. After my father left home, my grandfather continued to work hard as a chef. He helped my uncle pay for a new house and the renovations.
I cannot start to imagine the hard work that my grandfather had been through. At the innocent age of twelve, he was forced to work to survive; money did not come easy. And being the selfless man he is, he used a lot of his life savings to pay for my father's education to make sure he would have a good life. When I went to visit the restaurant he worked at, we had lunch with the boss of the restaurant, where he spoke to us about my grandfather. After he finished talking he said "He was a good, hard working and selfless man" and I am sure everyone that has met him would agree.
comments: this is a good essay and really talks about your grandfather's life. i could tell that you appreciate your grandfather. i am sorry for your loss. wish your family and you the best. i put in my comments in your essay. good luck.
I have to write an ancestral story and I decided to write it on my grandfather.
My main concerns are that it is too short and it is too boring. It would be appreciated if someone could help me a little.
====================================================================== ===
My Grandfather passed away September of last year. Although his death took a big toll on my family, it did not really affect me as much as it affected my cousins. We never really developed a fond relationship as he lives in Malaysia and I live in Australia. His memorable life had really no significance to me; this is until my dad explained to me the life he had lived, the hardships he went through and what he achieved. It was then that I wish I had tried harder to form a closer bond with him. Now I appreciate him as an individual and am grateful for the life changing decisions he made, which benefitted my life unimaginably.
My grandfather was born in 1939 on Hainan island China. He grew in poor family, in which he had an elder sister and younger brother. After he finished primary school, the CPC vs KMT Chinese Civil War was happening and the Japanese had occupied some of China. The family had no choice but to escape the country. They took nothing but a few bags, gave up all their money and retreated to Malaysia by boat. My grandfather was only twelve. In Malaysia, they worked at restaurants as chefs. My great grandfather had started a cafe/restaurant business which still runs today. They struggled through years of hardship but they figured that it was better than living through the war.
When my grandfather was old enough, he rented a house and moved to Kuala Lumpur by himself. He worked at the local KFCs to earn some money. He then moved on to work at a restaurant in Kuala Lumpur; where he would continue to serve the restaurant until he died. The restaurant now has been open for 90 years and is part of Malaysian heritage. When he was 26 he got married and had 3 kids one of which is my father. After all these years of working, things were starting to look better. Although his family was still extremely poor, they survived through the harsh conditions.
My dad was second child, with two siblings. When he graduated from high school, there were not many opportunities in Malaysia to study. This is because the Malaysian government do not allow many Chinese to enter Malaysian Universities; they believe the Chinese will fill the university leaving no space for the disadvantaged native Malay. Due to the fact that my dad did so well in high school, my grandfather pulled out his life savings and sent my father to Taiwan to study. I am really grateful of this altruistic sacrifice as it helped my father start a new life which would ultimately affect me. After my father left home, my grandfather continued to work hard as a chef. He helped my uncle pay for a new house and the renovations.
I cannot start to imagine the hard work that my grandfather had been through. At the innocent age of twelve, he was forced to work to survive; money did not come easy. And being the selfless man he is, he used a lot of his life savings to pay for my father's education to make sure he would have a good life. When I went to visit the restaurant he worked at, we had lunch with the boss of the restaurant, where he spoke to us about my grandfather. After he finished talking he said "He was a good, hard working and selfless man" and I am sure everyone that has met him would agree.
comments: this is a good essay and really talks about your grandfather's life. i could tell that you appreciate your grandfather. i am sorry for your loss. wish your family and you the best. i put in my comments in your essay. good luck.
jgv115
Oct 11, 2009
Writing Feedback / It is the sport, the multiculturalism; What Australia Means To Me [8]
It isn't for a test. It is school work.
It isn't for a test. It is school work.
jgv115
Oct 11, 2009
Writing Feedback / It is the sport, the multiculturalism; What Australia Means To Me [8]
Wrote body paragraphs. Not sure what to write for the conclusion
When I think about Australia, the first thing that comes up for me is sport. There's no doubt that sport is and will always be part of Australian culture. Because I've lived here so long, sport is a big part of my life and the fact that there are a myriad of sporting clubs in the community makes it easier to enjoy the sports I like. Sport is very popular in Australia; this is evident when we see close to one hundred thousand people flocking to the MCG to watch the AFL Grand Final, or when we get a consistent crowd attendance of forty thousand at a test match. Although sport played for enjoyment, we also take it very seriously. Australia is one of the few countries who have a highly accomplished sports institute where athletes from all sports can go to train. We have the "Sport Australia Hall Of Fame" of which people are inducted every year. Another big part of Australia is its diversity. Australia can really be called the multicultural capital of the world.
One of the unique "features" we have in Australia is its multiculturalism, we are famous for it. Never in history have we seen such a diverse community. From Australia's very beginnings, the country was always filled with people from a lot of different countries all sharing their ideas for a perfect country. In Victoria, we even have suburbs that "belong" to races. As a result of this, we can easily experience different cuisines, cultures and meet different people much easier. For example, we can take a trip to the bustling streets of Springvale if we want to eat a lot of Asian foods or shop for Asian products. There are restaurants and shops of all types. Because of this, it is very easy to try out a cuisine you have never tried before.
The weather we get in Australia can be sometimes beautiful and sometimes a bit quirky. We could get a perfect sunny day, not too cold not too hot and we can get all four seasons in one day. This is what I love about the Australian weather, the ominous rain to the burning sun; the randomness of it all intrigues me. Australia's spring weather attracts the beautiful and flamboyant plants that we see every year at the Spring Carnival and the Commonwealth Park flower display. While Australia's summer weather threatens to burn the weak, we see a very different variety of plants in summer.
Wrote body paragraphs. Not sure what to write for the conclusion
When I think about Australia, the first thing that comes up for me is sport. There's no doubt that sport is and will always be part of Australian culture. Because I've lived here so long, sport is a big part of my life and the fact that there are a myriad of sporting clubs in the community makes it easier to enjoy the sports I like. Sport is very popular in Australia; this is evident when we see close to one hundred thousand people flocking to the MCG to watch the AFL Grand Final, or when we get a consistent crowd attendance of forty thousand at a test match. Although sport played for enjoyment, we also take it very seriously. Australia is one of the few countries who have a highly accomplished sports institute where athletes from all sports can go to train. We have the "Sport Australia Hall Of Fame" of which people are inducted every year. Another big part of Australia is its diversity. Australia can really be called the multicultural capital of the world.
One of the unique "features" we have in Australia is its multiculturalism, we are famous for it. Never in history have we seen such a diverse community. From Australia's very beginnings, the country was always filled with people from a lot of different countries all sharing their ideas for a perfect country. In Victoria, we even have suburbs that "belong" to races. As a result of this, we can easily experience different cuisines, cultures and meet different people much easier. For example, we can take a trip to the bustling streets of Springvale if we want to eat a lot of Asian foods or shop for Asian products. There are restaurants and shops of all types. Because of this, it is very easy to try out a cuisine you have never tried before.
The weather we get in Australia can be sometimes beautiful and sometimes a bit quirky. We could get a perfect sunny day, not too cold not too hot and we can get all four seasons in one day. This is what I love about the Australian weather, the ominous rain to the burning sun; the randomness of it all intrigues me. Australia's spring weather attracts the beautiful and flamboyant plants that we see every year at the Spring Carnival and the Commonwealth Park flower display. While Australia's summer weather threatens to burn the weak, we see a very different variety of plants in summer.
jgv115
Oct 9, 2009
Writing Feedback / It is the sport, the multiculturalism; What Australia Means To Me [8]
Hello guys! I'm working on an expository piece and the topic is:
What Australia Means To You
I've only done the introduction because I'm not really happy with it. But I just can't seem to fix the problem; I was hoping you guys could help me out.
------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------
Australia means different things to everyone. It could be the vast landscape, the music or the equality of everyone that we all take for granted. For me, it is the sport, the multiculturalism we get here and the glorious weather. Sport means a lot to me and is highly encouraged within the Australian society. The multiculturalism in Australia is great as you can experience difference cultures and the weather is always perfect; not too cold, not too hot.
Hello guys! I'm working on an expository piece and the topic is:
What Australia Means To You
I've only done the introduction because I'm not really happy with it. But I just can't seem to fix the problem; I was hoping you guys could help me out.
------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------
Australia means different things to everyone. It could be the vast landscape, the music or the equality of everyone that we all take for granted. For me, it is the sport, the multiculturalism we get here and the glorious weather. Sport means a lot to me and is highly encouraged within the Australian society. The multiculturalism in Australia is great as you can experience difference cultures and the weather is always perfect; not too cold, not too hot.
jgv115
Oct 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Never judge anything by its appearance [13]
You still say Sally way too much.
In hylacy's essay, hylacy repeats this name too much. Hylacy likes to do it.
Does that sound good?
Use other pronouns to replace Sally.
You still say Sally way too much.
In hylacy's essay, hylacy repeats this name too much. Hylacy likes to do it.
Does that sound good?
Use other pronouns to replace Sally.
jgv115
Oct 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Live, Laugh, Love [8]
"In truth, I used to suck at school:"
I may be wrong but I wouldn't use the word "suck". To me "suck" is a slang word and shouldn't be used in essays.
"In truth, I used to suck at school:"
I may be wrong but I wouldn't use the word "suck". To me "suck" is a slang word and shouldn't be used in essays.
jgv115
Sep 14, 2009
Essays / The prompt asks - A/D: teachers should be compensated based on how well their students do [9]
Points not strong enough.
If they are paid they can buy a car to drive to school earlier. If they are paid they can buy fresh food.
You gotta do better than that.
Points not strong enough.
If they are paid they can buy a car to drive to school earlier. If they are paid they can buy fresh food.
You gotta do better than that.
jgv115
Sep 10, 2009
Student Talk / Challenges for Chinese to Study English [20]
I have an asian background but I live in Australia and I think Chinese is so much harder than English.
I think someone asked how to expand your vocabulary. The answer is read, and just keep reading. In fact, that is the main reason I'm on this forum; to pick up new words and writing styles. The more you expose yourself to text, the more better you will become.
I have an asian background but I live in Australia and I think Chinese is so much harder than English.
I think someone asked how to expand your vocabulary. The answer is read, and just keep reading. In fact, that is the main reason I'm on this forum; to pick up new words and writing styles. The more you expose yourself to text, the more better you will become.
jgv115
Sep 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "My parents focused on helping me" - UCF application [11]
I get nothing about family history or culture. Did your parents come from a country where it was hard to get a good education so they want you to do well?
Don't make it sound like you are dependent on your parents.
I get nothing about family history or culture. Did your parents come from a country where it was hard to get a good education so they want you to do well?
Don't make it sound like you are dependent on your parents.
jgv115
Sep 4, 2009
Writing Feedback / esssay -global warming&natural disasters [8]
In the long term, burning off fuels in trying to grow up the industry for the better economy are merely strangling us by raising the price of the corns, provoking wide range of natural disasters and polluting our very planet.
Don't write corn. Corn is not only used for biofuels, there are other crops being used as well. Instead, you could write price of food. It makes the reader more "scared". :P
In the long term, burning off fuels in trying to grow up the industry for the better economy are merely strangling us by raising the price of the corns, provoking wide range of natural disasters and polluting our very planet.
Don't write corn. Corn is not only used for biofuels, there are other crops being used as well. Instead, you could write price of food. It makes the reader more "scared". :P
jgv115
Sep 2, 2009
Writing Feedback / time spent for studying and playing [6]
"They sweat heavily and abolish harmful toxins to the skin. "
In my opinion don't put that. You can just write they will feel more refreshed, I know for a fact that after I have had a Tennis training session, I feel very good!
"They sweat heavily and abolish harmful toxins to the skin. "
In my opinion don't put that. You can just write they will feel more refreshed, I know for a fact that after I have had a Tennis training session, I feel very good!
jgv115
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / "It's not who I am underneath, it's what I do that defines me"--common app essay [16]
The last sentence starts with "Now" maybe you could change it to "In the present day" or something similar
The last sentence starts with "Now" maybe you could change it to "In the present day" or something similar
jgv115
Sep 1, 2009
Writing Feedback / Purpose for earning more money should not become the main goal for us - toefl essay [6]
It's still a little hard to understand although you did improve a lot. I suggest exposing yourself to more text so you get used to sentence structures etc etc.
It's still a little hard to understand although you did improve a lot. I suggest exposing yourself to more text so you get used to sentence structures etc etc.
jgv115
Sep 1, 2009
Writing Feedback / earth hour or how to save the world -essay [5]
A lot of people could argue:
"We've been using fossil fuels as a source of energy for years, how can 1 hour make a difference?"
A lot of people could argue:
"We've been using fossil fuels as a source of energy for years, how can 1 hour make a difference?"
jgv115
Aug 28, 2009
Writing Feedback / Qualities to be a good and complete student [11]
This bit:
Vladimir I. Lenin claimed that "learn, learn more, learn forever", this show us the importance of learning in our whole lifetime regardless of the age.
I think if you changed it to:
Vladimir I. Lenin's famous quote "learn, learn more, learn forever", shows us the importance of learning in our whole lifetime regardless of the age.
or just
Vladimir I. Lenin's quote "learn, learn more, learn forever", shows us the importance of learning in our whole lifetime regardless of the age.
Sounds much better in my opinion.
This bit:
Vladimir I. Lenin claimed that "learn, learn more, learn forever", this show us the importance of learning in our whole lifetime regardless of the age.
I think if you changed it to:
Vladimir I. Lenin's famous quote "learn, learn more, learn forever", shows us the importance of learning in our whole lifetime regardless of the age.
or just
Vladimir I. Lenin's quote "learn, learn more, learn forever", shows us the importance of learning in our whole lifetime regardless of the age.
Sounds much better in my opinion.
jgv115
Aug 26, 2009
Writing Feedback / 'Everyone was burned to crisp' - "Jacob" - grammar for my Essay? [4]
Wow a VERY dramatic story. Some guy goes to school and his house gets burnt down...
I found a minor error in the last paragraph
Someone who was shouting in a foreign language suddenly someone grabbed him and put him on a big truck with lots of other children he tried to get out but there were soldiers blocking his way and telling him to move to the back "AAHHHH!" he screamed he was feeling nauseous with his friends and family dead. He fainted "Let him go he's mine." A man yelled ...
Wow a VERY dramatic story. Some guy goes to school and his house gets burnt down...
I found a minor error in the last paragraph
Someone who was shouting in a foreign language suddenly someone grabbed him and put him on a big truck with lots of other children he tried to get out but there were soldiers blocking his way and telling him to move to the back "AAHHHH!" he screamed he was feeling nauseous with his friends and family dead. He fainted "Let him go he's mine." A man yelled ...
jgv115
Aug 26, 2009
Writing Feedback / Taking standardized tests to prove learning progress - Toefl IBT writing essay [6]
I'm not sold on your view point. One could easily argue against this. You need stronger points.
I'm not sold on your view point. One could easily argue against this. You need stronger points.
jgv115
Aug 24, 2009
Writing Feedback / GRE Argument ---antibiotics study results [7]
Watch the spelling. Information not Imformation.
Watch the spelling. Information not Imformation.
jgv115
May 30, 2009
Writing Feedback / Australian Gold Rush: Introduction writing [16]
Ok, essay done (for now)
This is probably the last time for corrections before it's due. Thanks again for all your help guys!
Intro:
------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------------------
The Gold Rush of the 1850s was a major turning point in Australian colonial history. The Gold Rush led to a rapid increase in population, the hastening of a democratic government, economic growth; a huge influx of money which made the colonies prosper, especially Victoria. All this made Australia the country we know today.
First Main body paragraph
------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------------------
The Gold Rush had brought a myriad of people into the country. The population trebled between 1850 and 1861. In 1852 alone, 370,000 immigrants arrived in Australia; taking the population from around 300,000 to a massive 700,000. As a result, conflict between different races emerged. The worse affected being the Chinese, the Chinese had always been the outcast on the diggings, the reason being that the Chinese had different ways to the British. But this is what made Australia known for its multiculturalism, high immigration rates contributed in a large part to the multicultural nature of Australia today. Immigration not only contributed to multiculturalism though, with the increase of population came an economic boom. When the lucky diggers spent their money, people could start making profits and produce more. There was more money out there than ever before. The Australian economy was thriving.
This italic bit in the first paragraph I am worried about. The reason is because I cannot talk about the economic changes in an immigration paragraph. I wrote it in so I can have a linking sentence from immigration to economy. Am I correct? Do I need to change it?
2nd main body paragraph
------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------
One of the big effects of the Gold Rush was the boom in the Australian economy. This was caused because of the huge influx of money pouring into the country. Expenditure on public works in Australia increased from 122000 pounds in 1852 to 356000 pounds in 1853, this is clear evidence that there was a lot of money. Victoria had contributed around one third of the world's gold output in the 1850's. As a result there were a lot of people becoming rich. Miner's weren't the only ones profiting from the Gold Rush though. Industries were established to serve the miners and employment opportunities were abundant; the number of flour mills jumped from 20 in 1853 to 40 in 1854. More industries were set up. More people could go to work; the production of bushels of wheat rose from 250 in 1854 to 1148 in 1855. With more money out there, more grander buildings could be built. More schools were also built. The living standards were raised. But questions were being asked about the rights of the people living in this growing country
The italic bits in this paragraph show the added stats I added in to make the essay more interesting. Do you think this works? If it doesn't I will take it out.
3rd Main body paragraph
------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------
The Gold Rush was a big contributor to how Australia's democratic government is run today. The miners were pursuing the government for more rights and for a fair world. The rights they were fighting for included the demolition of the miners license. and the right for all men to vote. They started rebellions; the most famous being the Eureka Stockade, protests, unions formed to pressure governments even more. The Eureka Stockade formed a basis for democracy that exists in Australia today. Finally in 1857, Victoria introduced a law which allowed men over 21 to vote. Although it was only men, it was a start. After a few decades, everyone would have their own say like we are used to now.
I decided to change the 4th paragraph to "changes that happened to Victoria". I think it is the right choice as Melbourne (the capital of Victoria) was called "Marvelous Melbourne" back in those days. I think it is an essential for this essay.
4th main body paragraph
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The Gold Rush has affected the image that people get when they think of Victoria. Because of the Gold Rush, a lot of money was coming into Melbourne. The result, grand and exquisite buildings, attractive landscapes that were out of this world. New buildings started being built, such as art galleries, music halls or the state library that still exists now. It is because of this that people started calling Melbourne 'Marvelous Melbourne'. Artists and writers began capturing 'images' that defined what we call 'typically Australian'. Writers wrote poems and stories while artists drew paintings. Everyone was proud of their country. All this made up a national identity that caught the attention of the world.
I'm not sure if this paragraph is good or not. I just needed to write something to do with the pride that people had for Australia. I think it is important
CONCLUSION!!!
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In conclusion, it is clear that the Australian Gold Rush had a major and lasting impact on Australian society even until now. Whether is was the multiculturalism, our marvelous cities or the Australian pride attitude we have for our country, it has changed our country for the better.
Hopefully I have improved it..
Again, I don't mind writing the whole thing again...
Ok, essay done (for now)
This is probably the last time for corrections before it's due. Thanks again for all your help guys!
Intro:
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The Gold Rush of the 1850s was a major turning point in Australian colonial history. The Gold Rush led to a rapid increase in population, the hastening of a democratic government, economic growth; a huge influx of money which made the colonies prosper, especially Victoria. All this made Australia the country we know today.
First Main body paragraph
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The Gold Rush had brought a myriad of people into the country. The population trebled between 1850 and 1861. In 1852 alone, 370,000 immigrants arrived in Australia; taking the population from around 300,000 to a massive 700,000. As a result, conflict between different races emerged. The worse affected being the Chinese, the Chinese had always been the outcast on the diggings, the reason being that the Chinese had different ways to the British. But this is what made Australia known for its multiculturalism, high immigration rates contributed in a large part to the multicultural nature of Australia today. Immigration not only contributed to multiculturalism though, with the increase of population came an economic boom. When the lucky diggers spent their money, people could start making profits and produce more. There was more money out there than ever before. The Australian economy was thriving.
This italic bit in the first paragraph I am worried about. The reason is because I cannot talk about the economic changes in an immigration paragraph. I wrote it in so I can have a linking sentence from immigration to economy. Am I correct? Do I need to change it?
2nd main body paragraph
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One of the big effects of the Gold Rush was the boom in the Australian economy. This was caused because of the huge influx of money pouring into the country. Expenditure on public works in Australia increased from 122000 pounds in 1852 to 356000 pounds in 1853, this is clear evidence that there was a lot of money. Victoria had contributed around one third of the world's gold output in the 1850's. As a result there were a lot of people becoming rich. Miner's weren't the only ones profiting from the Gold Rush though. Industries were established to serve the miners and employment opportunities were abundant; the number of flour mills jumped from 20 in 1853 to 40 in 1854. More industries were set up. More people could go to work; the production of bushels of wheat rose from 250 in 1854 to 1148 in 1855. With more money out there, more grander buildings could be built. More schools were also built. The living standards were raised. But questions were being asked about the rights of the people living in this growing country
The italic bits in this paragraph show the added stats I added in to make the essay more interesting. Do you think this works? If it doesn't I will take it out.
3rd Main body paragraph
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The Gold Rush was a big contributor to how Australia's democratic government is run today. The miners were pursuing the government for more rights and for a fair world. The rights they were fighting for included the demolition of the miners license. and the right for all men to vote. They started rebellions; the most famous being the Eureka Stockade, protests, unions formed to pressure governments even more. The Eureka Stockade formed a basis for democracy that exists in Australia today. Finally in 1857, Victoria introduced a law which allowed men over 21 to vote. Although it was only men, it was a start. After a few decades, everyone would have their own say like we are used to now.
I decided to change the 4th paragraph to "changes that happened to Victoria". I think it is the right choice as Melbourne (the capital of Victoria) was called "Marvelous Melbourne" back in those days. I think it is an essential for this essay.
4th main body paragraph
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The Gold Rush has affected the image that people get when they think of Victoria. Because of the Gold Rush, a lot of money was coming into Melbourne. The result, grand and exquisite buildings, attractive landscapes that were out of this world. New buildings started being built, such as art galleries, music halls or the state library that still exists now. It is because of this that people started calling Melbourne 'Marvelous Melbourne'. Artists and writers began capturing 'images' that defined what we call 'typically Australian'. Writers wrote poems and stories while artists drew paintings. Everyone was proud of their country. All this made up a national identity that caught the attention of the world.
I'm not sure if this paragraph is good or not. I just needed to write something to do with the pride that people had for Australia. I think it is important
CONCLUSION!!!
------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------
In conclusion, it is clear that the Australian Gold Rush had a major and lasting impact on Australian society even until now. Whether is was the multiculturalism, our marvelous cities or the Australian pride attitude we have for our country, it has changed our country for the better.
Hopefully I have improved it..
Again, I don't mind writing the whole thing again...
jgv115
May 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / Australian Gold Rush: Introduction writing [16]
Omg, this is the best site ever. I will keep improving the essay. It's due on Monday so I have another day.
THANKS YOU GUYS!! seriously!!
Omg, this is the best site ever. I will keep improving the essay. It's due on Monday so I have another day.
THANKS YOU GUYS!! seriously!!
jgv115
May 28, 2009
Writing Feedback / Australian Gold Rush: Introduction writing [16]
Hey,
Thanks for your help!
I'll post back with the rest of the essay once I finish
Hey,
Thanks for your help!
I'll post back with the rest of the essay once I finish
jgv115
May 28, 2009
Writing Feedback / Australian Gold Rush: Introduction writing [16]
I'm only in 9th grade and this essay is about the effects of the Australian Gold rush.
The Gold Rush's of the 1850s was a major turning point in Australian Colonial History. The gold rush lead to a rapid increase in population, economic growth, the hastening of a democratic government and a huge influx of money which made the colonies prosper, especially Victoria. All this has made Australia the Australia we know today.
Any feedback? (feel free to criticize as much as you want)
the effects of the Australian Gold rush
I'm only in 9th grade and this essay is about the effects of the Australian Gold rush.
The Gold Rush's of the 1850s was a major turning point in Australian Colonial History. The gold rush lead to a rapid increase in population, economic growth, the hastening of a democratic government and a huge influx of money which made the colonies prosper, especially Victoria. All this has made Australia the Australia we know today.
Any feedback? (feel free to criticize as much as you want)
