Undergraduate / What Nursing is for me? It's more than just a superficial "why" [2]

I only read your first answer. I think you can safely remove the first few sentences and start directly with the story of your mother. This way, the answer gets straight to the point, rather than making one read through a series of rhetorical questions in addition to some irrelevant reflections on life.

All the best.

Scholarship / research objective - portland cement [2]

There are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes which ought to be revised first. Furthermore, whilst a brief introduction of earthquakes in Indonesia may seem relevant, the remaining obvious facts are unnecessary as the reader would already know them. It would be better to use your word count more efficiently.

All the best

Undergraduate / Personal statement for Endeavour Awards - Electrical Engineering in Bhutan [2]

The whole 'benefit to my country' is completely overplayed. Remove it
I think discussing your work experience, rather than your rankings (which I am assuming would be listed elsewhere in your application), would be more relevant and useful for your Personal Statement

Graduate / SOP MS in Distributive Computing - Spring 2015 [2]

A statement of purpose, yet it reads like a narrative essay from the opening sentence. I also think quoting a professor like that is rather unoriginal and a bit boring.

In regards to the second paragraph, the second sentence is so full of cliched expressions that it has hardly compelled me to want to read any further.

I think a revision is necessary. Address your interests in Computing from the beginning, and perhaps explain where this interest comes from and give concrete examples as well.

Writing Feedback / We knew that we wanted to be together [3]

So, what were your opportunities to reach your goals of becoming a lawyer?

Undergraduate / "thinking process" ; University of Virginia Supp; Favorite word and why? [2]

I thought this was rather uninteresting. It was rather predictable from the start in my opinion. Perhaps a more creative approach could be used?

Undergraduate / Opportunities/Mulan/Personal/Majored in unafraid/ Boaring Community; Barnard [5]


^Couldnt you give a more specific example of artwork which showed that you were unafraid of what people thought?

Undergraduate / Swimming changed my parents - UC Prompt #1; growing up in conservative Chinese household [4]

I think this is far better than most of the essays I have read on this website.

Undergraduate / "Imagined Enemy essay" - University of Chicago Supplement [2]

Seems like a potentially good essay to be honest, and in my opinion, I think UChicago may like your approach to the essay prompt.
Could you make it clearer what the enemy is in this case though?
I am a bit lost with the promises concept, because I didnt quite get the impression that there was one to begin with? Perhaps if I read it again, I would find it, but I didnt get it on the first skim-read impression.

Post your revised essay, try and help some others on the site as well, but like I said, this does seem to be a rather interesting approach.

Undergraduate / What outrages you? what are you doing about it? college short answer [3]

Write about whatever it is you can write about, as long as the essay isnt boring, lame, cliched etc

Undergraduate / Common App Work Experience - working at a car repair shop [4]

Too many redundant words. I suggest you look for ways to cut down some words, because redundancy is boring to read.

Undergraduate / Family history inspiration (UCF Essay) ! [5]


^Could giveo ff the wrong impression.


^What makes you so sure that I dont know these countries existed?

Fairly informal, and lots of grammar mistakes. Revise your essay and it should improve.

Undergraduate / 'my choice in economics as my major' - UT Purpose Statement [3]


^You use the pronoun 'youre'. Are you referring to me? Also, whats the deal with the two clauses being seperated by a coma?

Also, it reads far too informally, as if you were posting in a blog that no no one would bother reading.
I also dont get how you suddenly stil 'aspired to attend the University of Texas' when you didnt want to be thousands of mile from your family.

Scholarship / 'From Indonesia to USA' - How to organize good Essay for Global UGRAD 2013 [3]

Your sentences sometimes are too short and your essay therefore does not read smoothly.
Further, this is a personal statement and I think your approach may be wrong.
Secondly, I dont understand the point of many of your claims such as


You also make a LOT of grammar mistakes, and I dont know if that is because you did not revise your essay or because English is not your first language. If the latter is the case, then it would take me far too much time to list each mistake, and nor do I have any incentive to do.

Revise or rewrite.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Graduate Application for Speech Pathology [3]

For a general personal statement, rather than an essay prompt, I thought this came off as overly informal from the first sentence. You may want to reconsider your approach/make sure that you have used the appropriate tone for starters.

Undergraduate / 'I was shy.' - University of MIchigan supplement [6]

Do you belong to a community of 'shy people' or is your ethnic community 'shy'. If its the latter, I strongly suggest re-writing from scratch.

Try and help others with their essays in the meantime

Undergraduate / 'short four-hour bus ride, Maryland' - FIT Undergrad [2]

Skim read, seems like a good essay.

Undergraduate / "Changing Attitudes"- UT admission [2]


^Remove.



^Revise
Its not a terrible essay by any means, but you do make several phrasing and grammar errors that are in need of revision.
Content-wise, it seems alright, but to reiterate, you do make careless mistakes here and there

Undergraduate / 'A long and painful journey' - Personal Statement- Med School Add. Esaay. [3]


^forcefully? Are you sure?


^unusually


^Claim with no examples...

Its quite an emotional essay. Decent read, although you do make some obvious mistakes here and there which you can probably find on your own if you revise your essay.

Not sure what the word limit is but if youve reached it, it seems like a decent essay. If you have more space, you could perhaps further discuss your motivation for Medicine (with proof), and what skillset could you bring to the course and how you could benefit from the education facility etc.

Undergraduate / 'I was shy.' - University of MIchigan supplement [6]

^Overly dramatic and somewhat repetitive.

Also, how does your essay address the prompt exactly?


^Huh?

I dont get it.


^What is your place within the community? You talk about being shy and then overcoming fear.

Writing Feedback / 'The next best thing after perfection' - College? Yes. (SAT) [2]


^Yawn. How many other applicants do you think will be claiming/saying the same thing.
Not the best start already.

Writing Feedback / 'technology and media' - CAS Essay of a non-English Speaker [3]

I understand that you may be a non-English speaker, but the expressions that you are using seem way too forced that they either dont seem genuine or dont make perfect sense (Grammatically and/or meaning-wise).

Also, as the introductory paragraph wasnt that great, a skim read through your essay and I found too many cliches that I had to stop and comment.

Graduate / MOTIVATION TOWARDS BECOMING PA - It all started with a crash... [2]

.


^This paragraph is a few points written in too many sentences. I got the point from the beginning. No need to endorse it with drama (I understand that it may have been genuinely difficult, but the impression was created from the start. Just discussing it repeatedly could distract/tire the reader from the focal point of your essay)

Undergraduate / 'there are many more mountains to climb' - University of washington Personal Essay [2]

^Reads like a forced quote, and everything that proceeds it is rather cliched for my liking. Basically, a dull opener.

Undergraduate / 'more in-depth learning process' - Optional Harvard Essay [2]

I had trouble understanding the first five sentences of your essay. Not because of the quality of English, but to your overuse of jargon.
You have used too many science terms that could easily disinterest an average reader who has no/limited interest in the topic. In my case, I just got bored and didnt even bother reading the whole thing. Just consider little things such as this

Undergraduate / 'what Darwin or Newton or Einstein felt' a personal quality, talent or experience(UC) [5]

Corrective measure: Lose the attitude? Its poor from the start.

Consider it this way. There may be/are applicants that are better than you, so much so that they may what you have accomplished look meaningless in comparison. So boasting about something that is comparatively meaningless does not put you in the spotlight. At all.

Be modest and humble, and sell as yourself as being able to achieve more rather than showing off what you have already achieved.

Undergraduate / 'what Darwin or Newton or Einstein felt' a personal quality, talent or experience(UC) [5]


^Lost interest there, due to your poor attempt at modesty.

Undergraduate / "Auto-didact" My Commonapp Essay [2]


^Misinformed assumptions? Such as?

I already disagree with you.

Undergraduate / 'My job at Staples and its wonderful influence' - CommonApp short answer [2]


^Grammatically suggests that you were your first job... Fix this?


^Questionable relevance to your work experience.

Undergraduate / 'Being different and wanting more equality' - Personal common app [4]

LGBT is a rather controversial issue. Are you sure you want to write about it? It may upset some readers, and that is quite risky in my opinion.

Just my thoughts however. Perhaps a moderator will disagree with me on this one though, but if you do feel passionate about the topic, then it should be alright. That doesnt necessarily reduce the controversy of the topic however.

Writing Feedback / "This is the third time you've almost lost it" - Free Response Essay [4]


^Should be in past tense, and questionable use of semi-colon.

And I dont quite know what activity you were doing in this essay. Some form of rope climbing? But how did you secure yourself as a winner?

Undergraduate / How did you spend your last two summers? Princeton supplement [2]


^Boring. Remove in my opinion.

You make several basic grammar errors as well. Proof read and you should find them

Undergraduate / 'free tickets for this Sunday's concert' - a significant risk Malcaulay honors [3]


^I envy? Incorrect grammar.

Writing Feedback / 'Which Way to Go' - my reflective essay [3]

I am sorry, but the first few paragraphs were rather boring as they read more like something from a history book rather than as if it were from a reflective essay.

Try and engage your reader from the beginning, than boring them with facts that your reader may already know/not care about. (As harsh as that may sound)

Graduate / Passionate programmer following the dream to persue MS in CS. [5]


^I may be wrong here, but I think this is just a filler.


^This would be a perfect chance for you to prove how you managed to learn more than what was prescribed in the academic curriculum. Take advantage of this space, rather than just stating an achievement and not backing it up.

Undergraduate / 'optimistic, musical geek who can cook' Stanford Roommate [6]


^Interesting. It is Stanford that shall be reading this, rather than your room mate, so I am not sure how keen Stanford will be to read that their student population is mainly comprised of geeks. Furthermore, there are people that get in through athletic scholarships, who may not have the typical academic acumen that most Stanford kids are known for.

This has always been a tricky essay prompt, and I do not know the right formula. Whether to write it casually, or formally, since it is the Stanford Admissions office that shall be reading this only.

Undergraduate / "Sharing blessings is what makes life worth living" - experience that has molded you [4]


^Sounds a bit fake in my opinion.

^Considering the essay prompt, you dont have to discuss why you have chosen the University.

The essay has grammar errors for certain, as well as cliches.
Am I right in believing that giving away your toys was a significant experience that has molded you into the person you are now?

Scholarship / "Bangladesh is a very poor country"- reasons to apply, scholarship essay in Education [5]

I only read your first two paragraphs, and I found grammar errors and boring cliches.

^Whats wrong with different curriculums? In the UK, some schools follow the IB program, others A-level etc.

Personally, I think this essay lacks your focus. Perhaps it is rash of me to base that judgement on the first paragraph alone, but please attempt to support your statements if you are going to make any

Undergraduate / "Interested in medicine" - Personal Statement: your reasons for applying to course [4]


^Remove all of this, and mention how you are interested in Medicine in a few words.


^Remove


^I dont understand how wanting to know that is simply wanting to help people; remove first sentence


^Too cliched and generalized, therefore you can remove seeing as how you are past the word limit (otherwise, I would have suggested an elaboration)


^should read 'xx and I'. Remove the 'impelling' adjective.
Just say, I asked 'Dr.Katherine?'


^replace with 'she said'.


^Remove


^Seeing as how you mentioned in your opening sentence that you never took medicine seriously, find a way to rephrase this. Alternatively, you can remove this point completely.


^Chemistry classes to help understand people better?

EDIT: Good luck Pete

Undergraduate / Computer Science faculty - Tell us about your academic potential and accomplishments. [6]


^Personally, I believe this is irrelevant and thus would suggest removal.


^Grammar is considerably off here. Also, this sentence sounds more like a brag than a sell.


^'Our' should be replaced with 'my'
*Worthy of trust=remove/rephrase.


*In regards to your extra-cirruculars essay, I personally suggest an extra cirrucular that does not pertain to IT. By no means am I saying that this is the necessary or correct thing to do, however I just believe that showing interests other than just IT would show more diversity in yor character.

Nice one dude. Good luck