Undergraduate / "Not everyone is born with confidence" - Essay for common application [6]


Just because it is your first draft, does not mean it does not have to be well written. Since you yourself have admitted that it is not well written, then I wont comment on the grammar. You can submit a revised version, and perhaps reading over that will be better.

*From the first sentence, I knew where you going.
When you said this: 'In my dictionary, the word CONFIDENCE had never existed.
I had a feeling you would refer to this in the ending. So i decided to scroll down and check.


Bingo. I was right. Its a sign that perhaps, you should be more creative so that your essay is more powerful and more striking to it's readers.

I then skim read the main body. Wow. Your significant experience was seeing a butterfly and then comparing yourself to it.
You are no Thomas Hardy, and it is quite unlikely that you saw inspiration from a 'Darkling Thrush', or a butterfly in your case. Ok fine, maybe you did.


^I am sorry, but that just sounds too fabricated to me.

Also, the conversation part:
"Hey, did you hear that Alice that weird girl will attend the WHC this march?"
"Yeah, I was so surprised how such an inexperienced and taciturn person could attend this important competition."
"How did the teacher make the decision? She was sure to hinder our school performance."
"Haha, Let's just wait and see."

^It kind of sounds as if you just typed it up, rather than quote the exact words of those people.

Basically, I kind of get the impression that this essay is a bit fake. As it is fake, it fails to impress me.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]

Aight, kk nah probs.


Well, as I am trying to remember, perhaps you are right. I thought that the Father yelled at Chris and threw the book away, and then yelled and hit him after he found out that Chris talked to Miss Alexander.

When did the Father throw the book away? Before, or after Chris talked to Miss Alexander?

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]


^I too thought about the 'them', but then as I read on, I had a feeling that you said that for supposed dramatic effect.
Given the context, 'them' can even be the judge panel

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]


^You just repeated Sean's point here.


^That is probably your own point. However, in your earlier sentence, you "ADVISED" to not focus on learning english...


^There is no harm in focusing on the hardships. However, exaggerating the hardships is something else, because it makes the essay seem fake and therefore uninteresting.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


^lol


^Ummm. This is your first sentence. It just stops, even though the sentence structure requires you to talk a bit more. Perhaps you should consider starting with 'It was the first time..'


^Why are you saying this. Do you think readers actually care? If you really need to delve inside, and make this clear to your readers, then you are kind of suggesting that the person you are going to talk about does not immediately stand out as the most influential person in your memory. Quite frankly, this sentence is pointless. Yes you may have thought this when you were writing your essay. You do not make this point, in your essay.


^I really do not see what type of an effect you are going for by saying stuff like this.
Looking back, I think you mentioned your first few lines about working and seeing working conditions, to try and impress your readers. Well quite frankly, I am unimpressed because you started off with something that could have been quite powerful, but you immediately scrape it away. It makes me think, why would you include this. It seems as if you are going for the 'OMG, I HAVE DONE SO MUCH IN LIFE AND SEEN SO MANY THINGS AND PEOPLE. I HAVE SEEN SOOOO MUCH THAT IT IS DIFFICULT TO CHOOSE WHO IS SO INFLUENTIAL ON ME. OMG OMG' card.

What makes it worse, is that all of these 'accomplishments' have no pertinence AT ALL to your essay. So quite frankly, you just wasted my time.

You know what. Remove your first paragraph completely, and start over with a newer introduction. I read the next few lines and already can see that Shayla has no link with the introduction. The introduction therefore, is garbage, because it neither sets the scene of where you are in, nor does it give any information about Shalya. It is a useless paragraph, because it has no link with what you are going to say in the main body of your essay. Take it out, and I may reconsider looking at your essay. Also if you remove it, your word count will go down.

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]

^I would have helped out but the Moderators have already done a thorough job. It just seems that you posted a reply just to get your post count up. Your new reply however is much better, as it is more informative and helpful

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


^You kind of don't. You just make a one sentence statement about it in fact, rather than saying what you have actually learned about these experiences.


^Fair enough. My point is that that is the impression that I got. Whilst you were going for a different way of starting your essay, my point is that this 'different way of starting', does not help your essay. That is why I suggested you remove it. If you read my comments above, I suggested why I think you should remove it as well.


^Sure enough, that is your opinion. And you have every right to stick by it. If that is your opinion, then go for it. I would have just thought that a 'significant influence' is one that has been the most striking to you, and therefore, 'remains on your mind all the time'. However, like I said before, you are entitled to your own opinions and your own ways of tackling and addressing the question. Afterall, the words 'influential' and 'significant' are subjective and is a matter of perception.

Book Reports / Great Gatsby [Story, Lucy Help Essay] [9]

Man Great Gatsby is so rich in symbolism.
It all depends on what you think youll be confident on writing about.
You can pick up SOOOO many themes from this book, if you read it, study it, and analyze it.
A central theme of the Great Gatsby is the American Dream. Fitzgerald has included many symbols of the American Dream in the novel, and it depends on the reader to interpret what these symbols are, what they mean, and what they stand for.

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]

Hmmmm I could not read the essay question, since there is a page error. O well

My passion for fashion began in the magenta flower fields of northern Alaska. At the tender age of nine, I was living in a small town called North Pole, far from what's considered the "home of high fashion". For me, however, it was a colorful world of designer creativity awaiting discovery.

^Wow. I do like that sentence.

I spent hours sitting in front of my Barbie dollhouse preparing for a show that would be produced in fields of Fireweed (rosebay) blossoms. I made clothing for fashion shows that I would later share with my dogs. Having never seen a fashion show or even a fashion magazine, I knew not what I was doing, only that it was beautiful and it made me feel good.

^I do not see how having never seen a fashion show or a fashion magazine means that you did not know what you were doing...

Though my world then consisted of three dogs, crippled Barbies, and thousands of pink perennials, I had an undying need to create clothing that would be seen by the rest of my world.

^Hmmm. If i may, perhaps you can omit the entire sentence before this one, and link this undying need to the 'beautiful and it made me feel good' part.

My dogs would sit patiently waiting for the show to conclude, so that they could add a few Barbies to the crippled group. I began to design colorful clothes for the armless, footless, and headless dolls of puppy war. As the Barbies walked (or hoppled) down the runway in stylish cuts and glimmering patterns, their beauty was matched only by the flowers that surround my first fashion show.

^Is any of the above truly relevant in your opinion??

I can best describe who I am as a person and who I strive to be as Alaska's flowering herb, Fireweed. Fireweed is known as a "pioneer species", thriving in locations that have been destroyed by forest fires. The delicate, pink flowers are the first life to start growing after a fire, replenishing the soil with nutrients that allow trees and other plants to begin their return. They can only survive in places with plentiful sunlight and open space . I, like the flower, find comfort in creating beauty and inspiration from nothing. I am known for finding materials that to some are outdated, used, or "ugly", and allow the materials to take on a new life. My spaces of bright sunlight are those where I can nourish the minds around me.

^Alright. This flower stuff digresses from the topic quite a bit. So I ommitted what I thought was redundant. However, this is just my opinion.

My career goal is simple: I want to become the next Coco Chanel. Like her, as a blossoming young entrepreneur, I am starting a new life with only dreams, drive and the desire to give people the confidence to put their lives on the runway. I strive to create clothing with flare that leaves a lasting impression and shows the personality of the person within. I want to change the way people perceive suits and business wear, while making them modern and fresh with style and color. I want to create a fashion movement that expresses the drive and desire of the young entrepreneurs this world. And I want to change the way people view fashion as a whole.

^I liked everything, until I came to the bold part. Whilst I appreciate your clear and focused aspirations, the last part is a bit much in my opinion. Not even Chanel has changed how people view fashion as a whole. Perhaps, you can come with a strong and powerful statement that is possible, rather than making such a bold statement, if you know what I mean.

My budding ideas can only bloom by me returning to school; to a new vibrant world waiting for my arrival, providing nourishing change and personal rebirth. I dream of a job to which I will wake in the morning smiling, and leaves me feeling inspired when I lay my head to rest . I want the feeling that I had when I walked into the fields of Fireweed, the feeling of everything being right and change being good. .

^I thought the job part is unnecessary. You never mentioned about walking into the fields of Fireweed and feeling amazing, that is why I ommitted it.

I need to plant my roots in a profession where I can grow as a person and as an entrepreneur, a place where I can find inspiration and sunshine to which I can point my mind.

^I like this. I see that you talk about your current job in the next sentence. If you can just link this part, to your love of fashion, it should be really effective. Like 'fashion is in my nature, in which I find beauty'( sorry I was trying to work on the nature part, with the roots and sunshine. I am sure you can come up with much better wordplay lol)

My current job, at a prestigiouslaw firm, is for me a just a paycheck. My conversation skills and willingness to help may brighten the day of another for a moment, but I want to give them confidence and photographic memories forever.

^By 'another' and 'them', at first I thought you were talking about your law clients. Perhaps you are. But do you really want to give them confidence and photographic memories as well? Because I would assume that confidence would be that they believe that they are winning the case, and the photographic memories are that they won the case...Maybe I am wrong. But if you are tyring to link this to fashion, I suggest revising this sentence.

I believe that the Art Institute will give me the skills to create those memoirs, not simply in a pretty picture on a runway, but also as a feeling that they are beautiful living their day-to-day lives in clothing that makes them feel good. The school's small class sizes, in-depth labs, and career driven lessons will develop my abilities to match my drive. I plan to commit to my education by joining clubs to meet and help others, to be dedicated to my work as an incessant scholar, and create fashion shows that will represent the magnificence of the school to the rest of ourthe world. The program will give me the nutrients to start my career, enabling me to immediately begin reaching for my goals. If we, the students, teachers and faculty, work together as a team, we can create amazing concepts to redefine the industry. We will be able to give people a feeling of happiness in their lives, the same feeling that flowers and fashion did for me as a child.

^Well, you do need to understand that not everyone cares about fashion. Oscar Wilde believed it was so hideous, that it needed to be changed quite frequently( cant remember the quote). So people, in general, may not get happiness. Perhaps, you should be more specific as to the type of people that can benefit from your fashion.

Also, if you are an entrepreneur, will you be using the assistance of the people at Art Institute. If not, then why would you say 'we', if it is your own fashion label, that will make people happy.

Coco Chanel said, "Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street. Fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening." For me fashion started with Fireweed, a beautiful flower that signifies who I am as a person and who I strive to be in this industry. I hope that within my application and this essay, you will find a small magenta flower that is yearning for growth. With your help, I hope to make my dreams come true like Coco Chanel.

^I liked your essay. I found the nature references, artistic.

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]


^I never suggested she cut it out. By the way, there are two sentences on dogs and crippled Barbies, and I commented on both of them. The first sentence, I thought was decent, but could be arranged elsewhere.

On to the second sentence.
Alright, I can see how designing colorful clothes, and mentioning the stylish cuts and glimmering patters, along with their beauty matched my flowers is all quite useful in depicting imagery and showing Ashton's interest in fashion. Perhaps, I should have commented on the organization. Given the way it currently is, all of this is just there. (The dog chews up the Barbie, and then dresses are made for them. There*)

As it is just 'there', that is why I questioned it's relevance. Ashton had made the point earlier that she 'knew not what I was doing, only that it was beautiful and it made me feel good.' Ashton, perhaps, as with the previous dog and barbie sentence, all of this could be placed earlier on in the paragraph, and the paragraph's conclusion can be that it was beautiful and made you feel good?

Do you agree Simone?

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

It is a common myth that people should "stick with their own kind" because once people experiment they will find different cultures don't mix.

^I do not like that sentence that I highlighted in bold. It is rather, controversial.

My parents defied that myth when they married and when my mom gave birth to her bi-ethnic child-me . Of both African-American and Hispanic descent I know what it is to experience mixed culture.have experienced a mixture of cultures

Maybe the myth has some validity because my parents divorced. Maybe they were too different. Only eight years old at the time, I thought they looked the same; they had the same color skin. I thought they were both only black (African-American). Later, however my older sister helped me see this from a different perspective.made me see differently.

My sister and I were in a supermarket when she told me my dad was Hispanic. I told her "No he's not. He's black, he has dark skin." She laughed and told me that just because he looked a little different didn't mean she was wrong. She explained to me his parents were Cuban immigrants and had Cuban ancestry which in return made memakes me half Cuban, half black.

After I learned a little about myself and the concept of ethnicities from my sister, I understood the importance of mixing them since I was a mix of two different ones. At the University of Michigan I would contribute an open mind about groups of people not sticking to their own kind.

^I think your conclusion needs to be a bit more striking to readers than what you have already posted. How did you suddenly learn the importance of mixing two ethnicities, by just learning about the concept of ethnicities? You say that because you are a mixture, it is important to mix ethnicities? Why do you think this and how can we mix ethnicities? (You should consider addressing this. It would show a better understanding of mixing ethnicities)

Would you not contribute an 'open mind' to those who stick to their own ethnic groups. That suggests that you will knowingly not want to integrate with certain parts of the student body.

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]

Thats great to hear. The coversheet and everything looks great. Good stuff.
x

Undergraduate / 'long-established tradition of academic excellence' - Yale's Secondary: School of Medicine [10]

I am fervently interested in pursuing my degree of Doctor of Medicine at Yale University because of its long-established tradition of academic excellence, where I know I will receive the best education possible

^You are not referring to a place here.

Yale creates an environment wherein which I can focus on understanding and appreciating medicine, rather than competing for certain grades or class rankings

*Your essay is good.
Are you applying for a Masters program? wow.
When is the deadline to submit this by the way? Are you applying under some early program?
Best of luck :)

Undergraduate / The story of two eagles-- common app [8]


^Chasing, and questing, is not 'catching'.


^Ruthless and casual? An oxymoron or juxtaposition. However, not that effective because I do not understand it. Also, eagles do swoop on their prey with effort. They calculate, watch, observe, and strike. Also, you mention that he was kidding. Now, you say that he 'neglected', which kind of gives a different impression.

*Your fourth paragraph needs heavy grammar revision.

Woah, woah

'couldn't accept my failure and reminded of those days I had struggled. I didn't attend my grandmother's seventieth birthday but studied alone at home, I gave up the chance of travelling with my family to Sweden but flung myself in supplement materials, I missed the opportunity of meeting my childhood friend but locked myself in the library. All I wanted was to win. My father would never understand the happiness I had sacrificed to win, the efforts I paid to excel others. Perhaps this time he would ridicule me that 'the little eagle failed to catch its prey.' I dashed my tears with the back of my hand just liked an eagle lipped its own wounds.

My father had already gone to work like nothing happened next morning. My hypothesis that he didn't care me was deeply confirmed. But when I sat in front of the table to have my breakfast, a note under my coffee cup with my father's handwriting came into my view

^From the moment you lost and sat in your room alone, to the next morning, you did not go to your grandma's birthday and did not go on a family holiday to Sweden. All of these events, took place in the space of one day. If not, then I consider revising this paragraph to make it more sensible.

'I was moved. My father opened the cage for me but still stared at me silently. '
^Umm. I thought he went to work.

My memory flashed back to the past: My father never said goodbye every time he sent me to school but I still felt the warmth of his vision on my back.

^You never gave this impression before. Suddenly, you feel it?
The same applies to the rest of the paragraph. You give the impression that he is in fact a caring father, when one of your first lines of this essay says that he 'never cared'....


^I think you do.

Writing Feedback / I closed my eyes and started the chanting!; The moment of the Lords. [11]

Rajiv did a good job.

Bald headed and simple dressed though they were , their mere presence had a pleasant, powerful aura about them .

"You are a qualified person to be amongst us. Why give up now?''

"I have started forgetting, my Lords". I answered with a feeling of sadness and understanding.My answer had a mixture of sadness and understanding. I wanted to talk to them, stay with them and, have this conversation fora long time, forever.

"That is your challenge in the everlasting circle of life, trying to remember and never letting go. It is hard, indeed, as we have seen and went through our own destined challenges, we know. But that is the only way. You have come this far, Why the hesitation now? Do not forget ... Remember ..." Their voices faded away with the last few words. Still, the memory of their images remained.

"Yes, my Lords ..." I sounded vigilant, determined yet calm.

They had a message for me, an omen to find my destiny. The very feeling of their existence gave me the strength to look beyond the obvious.

*Alright, this is a different essay from the ones I have read. What is the essay question? Also, what exactly are you trying to convey here?

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]

Walking down a street in New Delhi, India for the first time, a person can only notice a few things: the filth, the population, and the traffic.

^Not any person may note this. I doubt a year old baby that has just learnt how to walk would take notice of filth as much as we, or even you, would.

These three things alone can inundate a person.
Inundate means to flood...

The experience as a whole is more tiring to most than anything else.
^More tiring than a marathon? Or one workout session featuring squats and deadlifts, followed by other exercises?

This is exactly as I felt during my first trip to India.
^Needs grammar revision. How did you feel? Just tired?

**Moreover, I only saw India for what it lacked: order, infrastructure, and cleanliness. Even subsequent trips left me disappointed in the condition of the country I am from. However, during a recent trip to India, my perception of the atmosphere in India has completely changed.

^I swear to god I have read an essay just like this on this site.

On previous visits to India, traveling outside was what I hated the most.
^How can you say precious. With the exception of that one recent trip, all your other trips were disappointing. Precious is the incorrect word here, given the context.

I was restless sitting in our small car on the road, where hundreds of cars were crawlingcrawled like ants. I would shudder to see and smell the mounds of garbage in markets, no doubt a reflection of India's burgeoning population. I used to cringe as my family and I moved with the crowds of people at temples and bazaars like fish in a school , unable to breath in the body odor of the beggars around us.

As trying as my trips to India became, I asked myself how was India still a thriving nation even with all its apparent downfalls.
^Did you mean tiring. Also, how is it thriving? I assume you mean economically. I think you should mention this.

When I stopped to reflect on this question during my recent trip, I tried to soak in all of my surroundings and open my mind. Suddenly, I had understood.

^Just like that eh? Perhaps, you can tell us what you were doing at the time so that your essay paints a more vivid picture of how you made your discovery.

When I stopped to listen to India itself, I found my answer in one simple word: energy.
^Were you listening? This is why I think you should tell us what you were doing whilst making your discovery. It just makes it more clearer to readers, what you were doing. I thought by soaking in all of your surroundings, you just stood there and took a deep breath or something, ye know..

I sensed it from the streets, the houses, and most importantly, the people. Once I noticed the positive energy, I felt it surging within me.

^Describe the positive energy that you see. Earlier, you had described beggars and filth. How could you see positive energy through all of this, is what I, as a reader, would like to know.

I felt inspired to do my part to improve the country while I was there. My serendipitous realization made me feel that it made no sense to complain about how India is. By doing my part, my continued effort could begin to reduce the inequality and poverty in India.

^What part? What continued effort?
How can you alone, reduce the inequality and poverty in India? K I guess you may discuss that in your remaining paragraphs and sentences.

Rather than closing my eyes to the vulgarity of India's poor and assume that it has no future, I decided to open my mind and try to make a difference, to finally do my job as an Indian.

^India's poor has no future. Or India has no future? Which one were you trying to imply in your sentence.

While I was just one person with new and exciting hopes for India, I believed I could still take effective action. With my new found open mindedness, I became a volunteer for UNICEF, an organization whose efforts to help the destitute are renowned .

^Do not assume that your readers are unintelligent enough not to know what Unicef is.

Additionally, I started to do research at a United Nations lab in India to help understand the diseases that left so many incapacitated and to ultimately find their prevention. Suddenly, the congested traffic was no longer just traffic. It was the blood of India flowing through its veins.

^I wouldnt say it is the blood of India. Id say it is just the blood of the New Delhi. Also, if you are comparing traffic to blood, it would be advisable to compare the roads to veins.

I saw it as the excitement of activity and life reverberating from every corner. I had not become blind of India's neglected roads, people, and buildings, but aware of what I could do to help India rise up from where it had fallen.

^Well then what can you do?

I had seen its potential in the people from working in a lab in New Delhi; their hard-working attitudes could easily be used to better their nation.

^Then again, you do need to realize that these people are the minority of India, as the majority of the population are impoverished. Whilst they may also have hard working attitudes, which they indisputably do, can these poor people really better the nation? They can, but Id like to hear how you think they might be able to in that case.

During my trip to India, I was able to do my part. By working in a United Nations lab, I researched the Tuberculosis disease.
^Shouldnt this be put earlier, when you first talked about working at the UN.

It is rampant in India because of a lack of clean drinking water. Hopefully in the future, the research I assisted the lab do will lead to drugs and medicines to reduce the numbers suffering from this ailment.

^How long did you work there? If you worked there for a few months, do you really think that your research alone is good enough, seeing as how teams of people have been working for years now...If you worked for less than a few months...then I would not suggest being so bold and give the impression that you did so much research that it can contribute to a medical breakthrough.

Once disease in India is controlled, sick beggars can become healthy workers.
^Yes. This is not only in India, this is all over the world. Also, tubercolosis is not the only disease in India. (I know you may know this, but from my understanding of your essay structure, you believe this. It is what your essay structure implies, in my opinion)

By becoming a volunteer for UNICEF, I have sent countless letters to my senators to allocate more money to UNICEF so that it may help the vagrants of India and other such peoples.

^
I thought you were more concerned about the sick people, rather than the vagrants. Also, India may have vagrants as some people may be on a spiritual or religious journey. Perhaps, you should just say 'people in need of aid'??

It has also opened my eyes to the horrendous conditions so many people all over the world face daily.
^What has? People donating money has made you seen this?

With time and dedicated effort, India will hopefully be able to improve its infrastructure and reduce the number of needy.
^This is just general knowledge. Everyone should know this.

Once I became open to differences and willing to see the potential in things, I saw a change in myself. To me, the crowded Indian markets, with people chattering and children laughing, were no longer a nuisance, but much more.

^What were they then? Even more of a nuisance?

The incessant honking on the streets was no longer noise pollution, but India's voice screaming out to anyone willing to listen to it.
^Not India. New Delhi.

That it was ready for change if anyone else was ready to do his or her part.
^I understand your interpretation of the symbolism here. However, in reality, arent the people just honking because there is just traffic and people want to get to their destinations; people want to move on.

This trip to India opened my eyes to the world around me, and taught me the value of doing so in my daily life. Not only had I finally connected with India, but I also connected with myself.

^I wouldnt say the world around you. From your essay, you say how India has just taught you about India.

I never thought I would learn from the filth, the population, or the traffic in India, not for what they are, but from what they represent. They represent the average Indian surroundings.

^The average Indian surrounding, is filthy, populous and full of traffic? It may be, however I am not sure if this is entirely true. Some parts of India are clean. Some parts do not have a lot of traffic.

They are a beacon of its potential and verve.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


^Thats perfectly fine. I am just a teenager like most of you, and am in fact in the process of applying to Universities as the rest of you. What I am offering in my posts are my suggestions, my input and my opinions. These are not corrections as such. These can be correct suggestions though. 'Corrections' are made by the moderators on this site, because they are qualified and experienced enough to make them.


^Fair enough. However, how certain are you that these people have used it correctly as well.

These three things alone can inundate a person.
^How can three things flood a person. Perhaps a person's mind. Regardless, I still do not think that the word 'inundate' is used correctly here.


^Yes. This deserves to be lolled at. When I read, once in a while, the words get jumbled up. I guess this is just one of those times. I misread. My bad and my apologies.


^Actually, you can just suddenly realize. It does not have to take a period of time to realize something, as realizations do tend to be instantaneous. My point is that there is no description as to how the realization came about. In my opinion, this 'sudden' realization weakens the narrative. So much so, that it looks like as if the realization is fake and just inserted there, just to make the essay. (Again, this is my opinion)

This is how I understood the essay from the narrative:
-I did not like India. It is dirty, too many people etc.
-I have read reports. India is a thriving economy.
-Let me look around
-I love India.
-Yay.
^It just does not seem real. Maybe it was, and this is exactly how it happened, however the essay does not quite add life to this experience, and that is why I feel that the 'sudden realization' needs to be developed.


^I was not questioning the usage of the word 'its'. I was questioning, what does 'its' refer to. If you look back, you too may wonder what does 'its' actually refer to.


^I guess that it the point I just made. Anyways, I developed my point, so collectively, our points on this should be useful.

*By the way, I just want to say, if you are doing the significant experience here, what is the significant experience?

Writing Feedback / I closed my eyes and started the chanting!; The moment of the Lords. [11]

EF_Sean
^All of that is quite true.


^K I finished my A-Levels just recently. Is this for English Lit or Lang? (It does not really matter, I just wanted to know. Strange how you guys got assignments to be completed during the summer...)

-I do not get what you mean by thinking critically. Please expand on this, because our definitions may be different.
-You used the word 'Lords', and 'did not mention any religion'. Well, by saying 'Lords', you kind of are. Abrahamic religions believe that there is only one Lord. So if you were trying to connect readers with the deity in this essay, you would not necessarily be connecting all of your readers. Also, you describe the physical appearance of the Lords. In Abrahamic religions as well, God has not been described physically, which therefore strengthens the disconnect between your readers and this essay.


^I do not see how everyone can understand it. Sean addresses the exact reasons why. How did your protaganist even get to meet the Lords. Was it through imagination, unconsciousness etc...


^Well, I am criticizing your essay. I doubt this is what you had in mind though :)


^Well, at least give your readers some insight as to where the protagonist was when it saw these lords. Was it in a monestary or a temple of some kind? Or like I asked earlier, was it in the state of mind?

Your conclusion in the essay could agree with the latter.
*The essay does need more facts.
This is all that there is:
-The Lords are there.
-They talk to the protagonist
-The protagonist talks back
-The protagonist learns something
-The protagonist wakes up and has a new approach to life

-It should be made clear, why the protagonist talked to the Lords, how the protagonist was able to seek a confrontation with the Lords, when did this happen and where did it happen. Then readers will be given a clearer picture about your essay.

Undergraduate / Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay [34]


^Haha, well I have completed 97 percent of my essays. However, in my experience, it is the final 3 percent, which involves all the fine tuning and tweaking, that is the most important. So I have yet to completely finish that 3 percent.


^When I edited my post, I wondered if you would catch on to that and point out that I was questioning the 'usage'. I guess you did eventually. lol. Yes, I was questioning the usage to some extent. lol. I just was too lazy to edit that part to be honest =p

Strange. I did not know I portrayed a great deal of knowledge about India actually. I thought I had just posted basic general knowledge about the country. Ill take it as a compliment that my knowledge on India, is in fact, not bad :)

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]

Henry J. Kaiser once said "Taste the relish to be found in competition - in having put forth the best within you", and. what better place to get the best competition possible, than Stanford.

^What competition are we talking about here? Academic competition? UChicago is probably more academically rigorous than Stanford, especially in certain disciplines.

Stanford has some of the most intelligent people in the nation attending there school, which creates enormous competition for everyone, and therefore makes people produce far better results than if they had no competition at all.

^No.

If there is one thing I want from a school, I want them to push me to achieve more than what I could normally do on my own, and I think Stanford is the perfect place for that. Stanford will push me to take the risks i need to be successful. Being pushed to achieve more doesn't just benefit me; it creates a chain-reaction to society and the community to follow my example to achieve more as well.

^School is singular.
-The school will not push you to achieve what more than you can actually do. You will have to do to that on your own.

-Risks? What risks are you taking, by studying?
-A chain reaction? If that were the case, there should have been one with the many graduating classes of Stanford in the past. Where is this...chain reaction? Unless, you are so special that they have to follow your 'example'.

Not only does Stanford give me the push I'm looking for in my education, I will also get that push on the Track and Field as well. Stanford has one of the best Track and field programs on the West coast and I know that I could benefit from there great program and give that gift back to the school.

^It is 'their'.
-Are you even good enough to make it on the Track and Field roster?
-How is it's program one of the best on the west coast?

Stanford's coaches can push me to the limit and get me to the goals that I want and there is nothing more that I really want than to score points in the PAC-10 Conference for Stanford.

^You would rather score points for Stanford than study there. That. My friend. Is an Interesting point.

Running down the last 100 meters of the 400 m run, sweat flying everywhere, the grunts of pain exploding from your legs; these are the images I see before my race, I visualize my self in the lead just to give me the mental push I need to win the race.

^Pain does not grunt. Exploding from 'your' legs. Why are you referring to the reader's legs here.

My new race isn't a 400 meter run, now its Stanford. I can visualize myself at Stanford, seeing not only what Stanford can do for me, but what great things I can do for Stanford.

^What great things can you do. You havent even discussed one useful thing.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

Chicago eh? Well, I am going to get VERY critical in that case

#1
Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago

In my near future I hope to become a plastic and reconstructive surgeon, helping people who want to look a little younger, or people who have been in unfortunate situations.

^Unfortunate situations? Like what? People do not only go to plastic surgeons to look younger. Women, :), also go for boob jobs. Unless, you are implying that being small breasted is an unfortunate situation. (Perhaps thats more under cosmetic surgery, I dont know. Regardless, expand on what you interpret as an unfortunate situation. Alternatively, you can just say that you want to become a plastic and reconstructive surgeon, and just stop there)

But I know that before I can take such a giant leap I must first take baby steps, something the University of Chicago can help me with.

^Wow. I guess UChicago would love to know that its being used to help an aspiring surgeon, learn it's baby steps. Not really a compliment hear. It kind of makes it sound as if UChicago is a great place to start, for an AMATEUR.

Since the University of Chicago has a hospital on campus, this would be a great opportunity for me to get even more hands on experience inside of a hospital besides the internship I did this past summer.

^
Your grammar towards the end is flaky. Also, how sure ar eyou that you can even get experience at UChicago's hospital? Have you done any research on this? If UChicago knows that students do not do internships there, it will be uninterested in your application, because you have no idea about the Uni's policies, thus signaling a lack of interest in the University.

This would add convenience, and add to the learning experience of sitting inside of a classroom.
A future Spanish major, I will be able to learn the language, and culture faster through the study abroad program offered at the University of Chicago.

^Are you dissing, UChicago's summer program?? Nice.

I have also been in my current high school for so long-a diverse school-that I couldn't picture myself in a place without diversity.
^How is your school diverse? In what ways, can you consider it diverse?

The University of Chicago will allow me to stay in my element, and not feel out of place, since it is a very diverse school.

^I would not say it is very diverse. UChicago has some of the most intellectual people, in the world. However, the vast majority of these people, are NERDS. UChicago does not have that active of a sports scene. So in terms of interests, there is not too much of diversity. (You will probably find that these nerds all like the same things, studies, computer games like World of Warcraft, and Comic Book Conventions). Culturally, I am not too sure however. In terms of talent, (music and drama), I do not know how strong UChicago is in these departments. All I know, is that at UChicago, in terms of people who study academic disciplines, people are nerds and study very very very very hard, hence the reason that they are such an academically intensive University. There is not that much time for play.

I can combine great
learning, with diversity which is, to me, "my scene".
^Uh yea.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

O dear. Reading error again.

Well, I think the reading error was caused due to the sentence structure, which confused me at first.

As a future Spanish major, I will be able to learn the language, and culture faster through the study abroad program offered at the University of Chicago.

^Actually. What culture are we referring to? Spain's? Mexican?

*Edit.
I still can not believe how I misread that. Damn words getting jumbled up whenever I read.
When I read, for some reason, I read 'culture faster than through the study abroad', hence the reason I commented on it.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]


^Good point, but I think the German already answered that question.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]


^ :D


^Wow. You actually have, quite a strong advantage here.


^Hmm thats quite cool. I remember some time ago, I could run 0-100 sometime between 12-13. (I just measured 100 meters and ran with an electronic stop watch with my hand. It is not as if it is an official time taken by a coach on a proper track field). Anyways I thought, man, I am going to do run 0-100 in 10 seconds. I never bothered. Just never pushed myself to get faster lol, and most people dont, so its good to see that you are willing to push yourself to get to 48 or so, and this is quite a strong selling point here that you can easily play to your advantage.

(Now, as it is summer and it is the off season for me, Ive gone from the 80 kilo bracket to 107 kilos so I do not even want to know what my 0-100 is now haha.)

You can mention your interests. However, since you are applying to Stanford, and not a specific engineering department, it is likely that mentioning your interests will do no harm to your application at all. That said, saying that your academic interests are undecided also, will do no harm to your application.

I may also be applying to Stanford. However, it is just a 'may'.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]


Well, I am sure that hospitals are there to treat people who are in need of medical assistance.


^Find out how culturally diverse UChicago actually is, and perhaps what measures it takes to promote cultural diversity.
Diversity is a very broad word. You say 'people'. I presume you mean that 'people' will be diverse in interests as well then. That is why I discussed the academic part. UChicago is known to be a very academically challenging university, where it's students typically enjoy studying at this extraordinary level, or students have to sacrifice aspects of their social life and interests to keep up with the challenging curriculum. So if you still want to stick with this aspect of diversity, do some research on UChicago and discuss the extra cirriculars you think that you could take part in and link this to a diversification of interests.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]


^Quote of the day.

Undergraduate / 'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you? [14]


^Before I even begin to comment on your essay, I think you should re look at the Stanford supplement. All of the prompts limit the essay to a number of characters, rather than a number of words.

Are you sure that what you are doing, is even right?

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]

I did not get the ending line, even though the two posters above me seem to like it. Is it a girl thing? I was trying to link it to the Introduction, but firstly, as Simone pointed out, that Introduction needs to be replaced. Secondly, 'punching in numbers' is completely different to ballet and I do not quite understand the analogy between the two. Can someone explain it to me?

If this is the influence essay, you do not actually quite talk about, how you have been influenced at all.


^Well, apart from the obvious grammatical errors, I as a reader, can see that how that one compliment made you like ballet. Alright, that is cool.

After that, there is nothing to suggest how Miss Judy influenced you.
If this is the significant experience essay, then...is recieving that compliment the significant experience? Perhaps, you should develop this and tell your readers why it is so meaningful to have heard that one compliment.

Alternatively, if this is a topic of your choice, I do not quite see what message you are trying to send in this essay. I understand that this is your rough draft, but providing a title would have facilitated the feedback process.

****Unless. This is the 'tell us about one of your activities' essay, which in that case, what is the requirement to go into so much depth on Miss Judy. Just focus on the ballet aspect then, and how much you enjoy it.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


^Haha. Well, I only tore it down because your essay gave me the opportunity to :P
The central idea can be used, however certain parts of your first essay need to be changed completely.


^The fact that it comes from the heart, is probably THE most important thing.
Which essay are you going to be tackling then, the first one? How come you have school now though, I thought this is the summer holidays?

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects on our environment' - Benefits and Drawbacks of Urbanisation [10]


^ :)

I am not too familiar with what the IELTS Exams require, in terms of content, depth of knowledge and evaluation. However, I can make suggestions on grammar, if that is fine.

As the industries of the world are growing fast, urbanisation is proceeding so rapidly that it is generating largely unpredicted problems one hundred years ago. Although, of course, there can be some benefits likesuch asmoreincreased employment and economic benefits,.thereHowever,there are also bad effectsurbanization also has it's consequences such aslike polluting our environmentsthe environment as lots of factories are built on the new areas following the urbanisation.

During the process of clearing out natural habitats as the first phase of the urbanisation,
The first phase of urbanization clears out natural habitats.
destroying an ecosystem existing on thoseecosystems in these areas are inevitable. Though governments are ocasionally keep them in its original condition for the image of the town when the habitats are small in size, normally, most of the living creatures in the areas are getting extincted becoming extinct.

^This sentence needs some grammar revision. I did not quite understand what you were trying to say Harry.

Nevertheless, this tragedy is happening even now for people's well-being itself.

A wide range of employment are offered in return. Many factories are built on the areas since economical benefit was the sole purpose of the urbanisation from the beginning, which will benefit tobenefits the local economy, which goes toand the wealth of government. Then the government find another place to develope.

While the country is becoming wealthy economicallyAs the country becomes increasingly wealthier , it is also becoming poor environmentlly as a result of the exploitingit's environment suffers as a result of the exploitation . Furthermore Toxic gases and severly polluted water from the factory will lead tobring air, waterair and water pollution, which will eventually lead to the low quality of life.

Even though there wascan be positive effectsresultssuch as the increase of employment, urbanisation brought serious harmful effects on our environmentseriously harms the environment . It seemed like we are improving our quality of life at the cost of destruction of ecosystem, was actually setting back in a long term.Whilst we are improving our quality of life, this is done at the cost of the environment.It is advisable for the nations to care more about the environment and to be critic on government's absurd decision.I believe that nations should be more concerned about their environment rather than their government's economic welfare.

^Well I made some grammar revisions. Commenting on IELTS would not be a strongpoint of mine since I am quite unfamiliar with what the test looks for, besides fluency in English. I am sorry if I was meant to comment on the structure and content, however I did not know if I was required to do so.

Good luck for your IELTS Harry.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^I assumed it is a girl thing, because obviously the writer is a girl, and I figured that you as well as tal105 are also girls.


^Research can be fun.


^Well, research is such a broad term and that is what lead to the confusion. When I heard about punching in numbers and collecting data, I was thinking about standard deviation, actuary etc.

When I read the essay, and came to the end, I wondered if Miss Judy was also a Maths teacher at first. When I reread it, well seeing as how it is in the first paragraph, I made the connection. The fact that I did not remember the first paragraph kind of implies that it can easily be forgotten, and that is possibly due to the introduction mainly being comprised of general statements rather than anything person.

Anyways. This is what I understand. People do not like research and collecting data, but like the end product. (Well, this example in itself is wrong. Financial analysts may enjoy researching and collecting data. What they discover however, are not necessarily products, but rather trends. A trend that fluctuates and needs to be analyzed again. So really, there is no 'finished product'.)

Brendali compares ballet to this. She did not like the 'hard work' of it, but likes the end product?

**Edit


^You could have just edited your post rather than make it obvious to everyone, that I know what I am talking about LOOOL :)

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^Hmmm.


^Absolutely. I am just giving MY opinion.


^Yes, I understood that it was a joke. However, I thought I should just clarify, just so that there are no doubts in the air :)

I figured you gals were girls from your earlier posts. And from your names, which is visible when I click on your username.

It is nice to know that you are glad. Most people regret 'contributing'. Anyways, I would not say that you contributed, it is large enough as it is. :)

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^Wow. I never said, or implied, that you are.

I said 'Hmmm' because you had to explain this, even though you admit that your explanation is based on an assumption, because the writer was not clear in her writing. It is because it was not clear in the first place, that I did not understand the analogy. The 'Hmmm' suggests that perhaps, your explanation has brought up an interesting point. So: 'Hmmm...perhaps now this will make sense. Interesting'.

Hmm also addresses the fact that your explanation is based on your assumption. Therefore, whilst your point may be valid and interesting, it may not have been what the writer is trying to say. So: 'Hmmmm' is this right? Or not?

*Perhaps the onomatopoeia of just 'Hmmm' was unclear when you read it.
Perhaps next time, I will say (Nods head in approval and in interest)

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

^That is quite true actually. After I read kritipg's post, I thought that perhaps I was perhaps a bit too discouraging and it made me feel like I was really tough. I thought I could mask all of this, with the 'Haha', a 'joke' and the ':P', so that it comes off as light hearted.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^Should be in the past tense, as your are narrating an experience that happened in the past.

*In regards to your essay, you do not quite go into any depth about what you have learnt (not from the ballet classes) from MIss Judy. You do not quite state how she has truly influenced you as a person.

Undergraduate / Essay C- Personal info you want considered as a part of your admissions essay [5]

Mustafa and Simone made some legit points regarding the content of your essay.
I however, feel that what you have provided, is more of a personal statement, rather than 'personal information'. The Admissions Committee, when they read this essay, would most likely want to read personal information that helps explain something about you that they could not have learnt elsewhere from your application. Talk about yourself.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

Lol. Johnny Hates Jazz's Shattered Dreams comes to mind for some reason :P

Undergraduate / 'idea of learning / isles of Trinidad and Tobago' - UCF Personal Statements [12]

2. What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

I am confident that I will actively absorb all available knowledge, forge friendships and be able to contribute some of my " Caribbean Flavour " with my fellow UCF students . My cultural environment has influenced my personality and nature by providing me with a sunny outlook and curiosity for other cultures and lands.

^How has it given you a sunny outlook, as well as a supposed curiosity? I crossed out nature, because your sentence structure implies that your cultural environment has also influenced nature. I do not think that your cultural environment has affected how flowers photosynthesize, for example.

My home sweet isles of Trinidad and Tobago, has fused allmany ethnic groups and has a rich heritage of dance,music, art, cuisine and festivals. This melting pot has made me realize how important it is to be able to treat all people with the respect they deserve, without letting prejudices or stereotypes get in the way of my actions.

^Hmm, this is kind of an overplayed card. Perhaps, to make your essay more powreful, you should say how you came about to this realization. You can even expand, on the importance of this realization.

The highlight of our year is Carnival; an ultimate two day explosion of colour and drama, which showcase the rich artistic and cultural expressions of the island. Carnival attracts x million /thousand visitors each year, affording me the opportunity to make friends from all over the world and imbuing me with a desire to travel and experience other cultures. .

^Whilst most of this is fascinating, I was far from interested in reading it because it does not address the question at hand. The question is asking you about your qualities and unique characteristics that can be contributed to the UCF Campus. Readers, particularly the Admissions Committee, when reading this essay, will disapprove of having to read about the carnival and how much you enjoy the experiences that accompany it, since you have deviated from the topic at hand and you are failing to answer the question.

I have had the opportunity to learn and coexist with people from disparate backgrounds and I believe it is a person's culture that defines who they are.

I am immensely proud of being a Trinidadian and I look forward to not only sharing my qualities and ways with others, but to also learn from new diverse experiences that I will encounter in the future

^A person's moral values also defines who they are. Whilst this may be influenced by culture, it is important to realize that this is not necessarily from ethnic culture.

-It is great to see you proud of your heritage, and I see that you mention what you plan on contributing. However, what are your 'qualities'? How do you plan on sharing your 'ways'? In regards to the concluding sentence, if you really want to stick that in there, then I suggest saying how wanting to learn is a quality of yours, rather than just saying something like 'I want to learn.'

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


^That is true. Words can be powerful weapons at times. More powerful then guns at times *flexes arm (As school is over, I have not said that to anyone for quite some time, and I thought it is time that I did)


^Well that is just part of the application process. Whoever said it is an easy job lied. Creating the perfect essay is like painting the perfect picture in some ways. (This has given me scope for a lame analogy) You have to use the right strokes and a lot of thought to create the piece of art. It does not come in the first go, nor the first try. It takes time.


^Just remember at Columbia, the academic programs are quite rigorous and not for the faint hearted. Criticisms on your application essay may be harsh, but at Columbia, or any other academic University, criticisms and expectations will be much higher. So in many ways, this site also prepares, and teaches, you how to maturely deal with criticism. In my opinion, the best is to accept it rather than feel disappointed about it.


^Absolutely. Critique can be very demoralizing at times, and especially on an essay with which these applicants have spent so much time and thought on. Then again, these criticisms are supposed to fuel an energy to wanting to improve, rather than degrade the essay. Students should be accepting of criticisms on their essays, because these comments can improve a student's perception of how to write an admissions essay. All of you students are applying to Universities with strong academic programs, which are naturally suited for those willing to apply themselves on an intellectual level. Therefore, when applying to these type of Universities, it is some of a prerequisite to show a sense of intellectuality in the essay, which therefore raises the expectations of the standards of the essay. Criticisms are made so that the right courses of action can be made to meeting these standards.

Yes. I understand that students may not like criticisms because their pieces of art are not seen that favorably by others. Just as when a musical artist's album is reviewed poorly by critics. The next step, after recieving the criticism, is to find something more appealing.

Undergraduate / Stanford - a rich environment where ideas are cultivated. Edits for content and grammar [4]

A rich environment wherein which ideas are cultivated and a life long quest for learning takes root; the "Farm" and I are meant for each other.

^I highlighted a part of your sentence in bold. That part is grammatically unclear, and therefore, understanding what you are trying to say is an issue.

Stanford engages an ethically diverse crop of students that embraces community and global service.
^Exemplify how these diverse ethnic groups of students have participated in community and global service, so that it does not seem as if you are just making a general statement to flatter the Admissions Committee. By being more specific, it looks like as if you are interested in Stanford.

My belief in social justice, intellectual curiosity, ethical leadership, creative problem solving at a community and global level are in concert with the pillars of a Stanford education.

^The grammar fades off after ethical leadership. This, in my opinion, sounds as if you are sucking up to Stanford to be quite frank. Perhaps, you should demonstrate these qualities and prove your belief in them, rather than just stating that you do, especially as these qualities are sooo subjective to perception and understanding of what these terms mean. (Social justice and intellectual curiosity can mean different things to different people.)

I look forward to the long library nights working with study groups, and interfacing with professors and distinguished faculty members.
^Why would you look forward to this? Develop your points. You do not seem to do enough of that.

My professional aspiration is to contribute to the design of sustainable environmental strategies within developing countries, Peru specifically.
^Why Peru specifically?

The Wood's Institute for the Environment will provide me with the tools needed to put my passion into action. The interdisciplinary focus on public policy in relation to developing countries is a unique feature of the Institution that will augment my knowledge base. An extensive list of study and research abroad opportunities capped the list of characteristics I am seeking in a university experience.

^An extensive list of study?

The beauty of the palm tree laden campus and the balmy tepid weather is appealing to this web foot Pacific Northwest resident.
^This is, in my opinion, your most powerful sentence so far.

Exploring the glorious Sierra's, backpacking, a dinner of sushi in San Francisco, and finally learning to surf is the potpourri of lifestyle opportunities the surrounding community provides. I want my university experience to be academically unparalleled, filled with opportunities on a global scale, and amidst a group of diverse motivated students who are excited to learn from each other. I know I will find this and much more at the Farm.

^Opportunities on a global scale? Such as what, learning to surf and eating sushi?
What is much more?

*From what I can see, your essay tends to be very unclear as to the type of person you present yourself as. It left me asking a lot of questions about who you are, and what you want to do. This is not necessarily good. It kind of implies that you have not been able to sell yourself well.