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Posts by EmelyMorales
Name: Emely Morales
Joined: Dec 26, 2014
Last Post: Jan 13, 2015
Threads: 4
Posts: 12  
From: United States of America
School: John Marshall Senior High

Displayed posts: 16
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EmelyMorales   
Jan 13, 2015
Undergraduate / Why Chapman? Because Leia likes it. [7]

Chapman University: I do not know where to go.

I am having a lot of trouble on this essay. I don't even know if I really answered the prompt correctly. Pleas Help!!!

Chapman University was founded with a commitment to Four Pillars. Each Pillar represents a core value and they are a source of pride for the Chapman community. They are Intellectual, Physical, Social, and Spiritual. Pick the Pillar that means the most to you and tell us how it relates to your life. (200 words or fewer)

Attempt #1:

Luna was a little orca whale found on the coast of Vancouver Island, British Columbia who had been separated from his family. He spent much of his free time trying to make contact with humans and become their friend. That was the keyword: "friend."

Luna cared for nothing more than friendship. I often compare myself to this whale. I may not be a part of a family that really considers itself a family, but I try to find one in friendship. High school students often have trouble separating work life from personal life. Other teenagers around me losing their minds over loads of school work, and I do as well. I often have to stop and remind myself that there's one thing I have that can calm me down, and those are my friends. We help each other on work and comfort each other when the stress levels pass 100. Many try to tell us that our friends do not last. Even if this is so, should we not cherish the time we have? What is the point of knowing so much about government or calculus if we cannot spread our knowledge with others? We can only teach if we learn and we can only learn if we listen and experience. When one of us struggles, we help each other out when school becomes a vision of impossibilities.

Though many researchers said that it was dangerous for Luna to have too much human contact, many of the locals that had become his friends would still visit him. He taught so many people the power of friendship. It is a lesson I hope to remember when times are tough: I have my family and friends to keep me going.

Attempt #2:

I am a seventeen year old girl with two Hispanic parents living in Los Angeles. While growing up, I did not spend much time outside since my parents were very protective and scared that I might one day be kidnapped. Most of time was spent indoors, mainly watching Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. This was the reason I never really got upset with my parents not letting me have much freedom- I had seen the dangers through television. What I realized, though, was that a bunch of us kids are under the careful eye of our parent's watch, yet no one really addresses the issue and no one teaches young people about it; the real issue of sexual assault and harassment.

Whenever the word "rape" comes up, people tend to stand back and change the subject, yet on a daily basis I hear boys saying "I am so going to rape ______!" We as girls are often told to just keep our heads down, walk in a straight line, and hope nothing we are wearing is too revealing so we might not attract predators. The issue I see is that many young people are not properly educated on the issue. We do not hear about it often, and many cases are not even taken seriously, so there is a stigma that it is not a big issue, but it is. This is why I can tie myself closely with the (Social, Intellectual) Pillar...

So I could go with either pillar: Intellectual and talking about education and how I am aware on the issue. Or social since it is more of a social issue. What direction should I go in?

Should I go with either of these essays? Or should I scratch them both? Please, I need a savior right now.
EmelyMorales   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Poop: It's only four letters, yet when combined together, provoke disgusted faces and nose-wrinkling [15]

There is a definite shift in tone. in the beginning, there is a more humorous tone in which you tell the reader, like, relax, it is just poop. This made me laugh, but then your tone shifts, obviously, to a more serious one. I really like that. I like the shift in the tone. I do feel you might be a little too condescending in the second half. It seems you have a lot of resentment towards how Americans treat this issue, but maybe your reader might not like that you might be too tough on Americans. I would tread more lightly on that. Other than that, a really nice essay and very interesting, especially when you mention the statistics. I like reading your essays :]
EmelyMorales   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / I've never actually stepped onto the Notre Dame campus and experienced the aura personally [13]

Maybe you can shorten your first paragraph. What I noticed with my essays were that I would usually expand a lot in my first paragraphs. I would elaborate on a story and then would leave little room for my point of the story. If you can shorten your first one, I think that would help, but I know it is hard to let go of phrases or sentences when you like them so much :]
EmelyMorales   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / I've never actually stepped onto the Notre Dame campus and experienced the aura personally [13]

Wow you really seem to know your stuff! It is a very captivating essay that shows your knowledge. Being that I have never researched Notre Dame, I was obviously confused at the beginning, but I guess that is just my fault. If you have more room to add, I would even add how you would like to contribute to these causes and things like that. I think it would be a nice touch, but obviously that is just a suggestion :]

Please help me with mine if possible! By the looks of your essay, I can say I trust your opinion , hehe
EmelyMorales   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Severus Snape! I was a ruthless disciplinarian who hid his soft side from everybody [2]

Interesting essay, haha. I think you have something going with this essay but I have a few suggestions.

"Severus Snape from the Harry Potter movies! When I used to teach classes in our Night School, I could well say I was a ruthless

disciplinarian who hid his soft side from everybody."

This is a little informal and awkward. I would suggest not beginning your essay with that sentence, especially because of the exclamation point. Also, I feel that the admissions reader might roll his eyes. I think you directly compare yourself with this character in a way that makes it seem like you are just listing him. I would suggest, and this is purely a suggestion, beginning your story with a stronger hook and creating a story that flows better. Don't necessarily introduce you character by name, but rather describe what he does, then maybe mention who he is and describe your story while mentioning how you relate to his characteristics, or vice versa where you begin about your story. Make it interesting and make sure it flows so it does't sound choppy.

Also, the reader may not know so much about Harry Potter so it might make it a little confusing, so I would be extremely careful with that. Hope my suggestions help :]
EmelyMorales   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / I was different because I had a sister - Identity essay. [11]

Not focusing on the grammar mistakes, it is a very nice story. The one thing I will say is that I was confused as to why your sister was "hidden." You did not mention where you are from and things like that in the beginning. I think you should mention that in the beginning, because it makes it confusing a bit. Other than that, I like your story. It is interesting and very sweet. Good luck on your applications :) Hope I helped.
EmelyMorales   
Dec 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Why Chapman? Because Leia likes it. [7]

There are thousands of universities and colleges. Please share with us why you are choosing to apply to Chapman. (200 words or fewer)

It was a continual pacing back and forth in my living room that was making Leia dizzy. I repeated the phrase so many times that my five year old niece began repeating after me, just to mock me. Leia repeated after me:

"Why Chapman?"

"Because I want to go there," I responded.

"But whyyy?"

"Because... Because it is small. They are known for being like a tight community. The professors actually care about their students."

"Why?"

"Because Chapman wants to globalize their students."

"What's that?"

"They want their students to make a difference. I can go to other countries and help women and girls, many just like you, to involve themselves into politics and things like that. To fight for their rights and help change policies in other countries so women can have a voice." The idea of joining the Department of World Languages and Cultures pops into my head and I smile and for the last time Leia asks,

"But why Chapman?"

"Because, Leia, it's close enough to home, and super close to Disneyland."

"...I like that school," she ended.
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So obviously I have not finished. I just want to know if it is on the right track? Is it a nice format? I wanted to do something different. My little niece gave me the inspiration when she got annoyed with me saying the same thing over again that she began repeating what I was saying.

I have a good amount of room to add and improve since I am only at 181. So any suggestions help :)
EmelyMorales   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / USC1: Cross Country was painful. [4]

So I changed it to first person, ad I do like it better. I also mentioned the leader role and he senior award in that other section so it does help removing it from the actual essay. I also had an old sentence about our Coach telling us that quote, but guess I had previously deleted it without realizing it. I think the essay is better now :)

There is not much more I can do at this point besides take in a deep breathe and hope I ice'd my injury enough. An overlapping sense of fear consumes my body, but as I snap back into reality, the words "mind over matter" enter my brain. I remind myself of all my running; that fear cannot stop me from at least running that three mile race every Thursday afternoon. This ran through my mind everyday.

Cross Country was painful. For two of my three years on the team, I suffered from injuries. But whether it was a hip injury my Junior year or calf pains and leg numbness my Senior year, I still kept running. Cross country is for those crazy enough to run at least 7 miles everyday for 4 months straight and for some reason it kept calling me back every year.

Cross Country was something I am truly proud to have done. Cross Country is not just about running, but about doing something that other people would not have the courage to do. What mattered at the end of each race was not always our time, but that we finished. Although I suffered many pains, I still pushed. This commitment and hard work paid off in that I eventually taught myself not to be afraid when things become tough. Coach Mack would always say "mind over matter." Those are the words he would tell ourselves each day whether it is before a race or practice. I was able to learn from him that the challenge placed in front of me was nothing when faced against me, as long as I tried.
EmelyMorales   
Dec 30, 2014
Undergraduate / USC1: Cross Country was painful. [4]

USC students are known to be involved. Briefly describe a non-academic pursuit (such as service to community or family, a club or sport, or work, etc.,) that best illustrates who you are, and why it is important to you. (250 word limit)

There is not much more you can do at this point besides take in a deep breathe and hope you ice'd your injury enough. An overlapping sense of fear consumes your body, but as you snap back into reality, the words "mind over matter" enter your brain. You remind yourself of all your running; that fear cannot stop you from at least running that three mile race every Thursday afternoon. This ran through my mind everyday.

[...]

I need to cut down around roughly 40 words. Any suggestions?
Also, is my essay in any way confusing? Does the introduction make sense?

EmelyMorales   
Dec 29, 2014
Undergraduate / "I'm Jaques Pepin, and this is fast food, my way!" - Boston college supplement [3]

I actually like the topic. It is different and very sweet. I think you should talk more about how the show has affected you earlier in the essay. It is a nice and beautiful recount of you times with your dad, but I think you should incorporate how it has affected you earlier on. I think this has the making of a very sweet and touching story, especially if you mention more about your father and that relationship while listening to the show. Obviously these are suggestions. Good luck! And please help me with mine also. And Happy Holidays!
EmelyMorales   
Dec 29, 2014
Undergraduate / I hope to utilize what NYU's schools have to offer to find a future in advertising [4]

In comparison to the rest of your essay, I think your first paragraph is a little boring in comparison to the rest of your essay. I think it needs a little bit more of a hook, but maybe that is just me.

The rest is really good. You really seem to know what you are talking about and know about NYU. That is really good. That is something I seriously need to improve in mine, haha.
EmelyMorales   
Dec 29, 2014
Undergraduate / "Sunday's donuts" - My dad's fight propelled my ambitions [5]

Really good story. Really nice and there are some great things you have done. Conceptually, it is perfect.
The one critique would be that I think you jump from talking about the little things that you had taken for granted to talking about your peers and creating the club. That would be my only thing, but of course, that is just my opinion. Other than that, a very very nice essay.
EmelyMorales   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / The possibility of me fully exploring my passions in computer science and the visual arts [2]

I really like it, though, I think from the second half it is much better. The first part seems overly done and cliche. I would suggest talking about what you want to do (your video game) and then throughout that, mention how NYU can this influence you. Your second half is very well done. The first part does not do it as much justice, even though it is very nicely written. Really hope you get to accomplish what you want to do, because it seems like something very innovative and just great :)
EmelyMorales   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / The pocket of Little Armenia seems like a place of endless possibilities, but it is still a pocket. [4]

The small Los Angeles pocket of Little Armenia is wedged between the lights of classic Hollywoodland and the streets of gun-infused Koreatown. Nothing is bad in my little pocket of mostly large Hispanic families in small apartments and friendly Armenians. I was never part of the horrors or glamor of the other pockets, but I knew there was more beyond my small and quiet one.

At John Marshall High School, a school in another pocket known as Silverlake, I am a part of the Magnet program which is driven to integrate students of different backgrounds. Unlike students in the other departments, I am used to being surrounded by students of other cultures. Also, throughout my high school career, I have taken many AP courses in Social Studies: European history, United States History, and Government. In addition, being that I am bilingual, I finished four years of Spanish in two years. This includes the AP Spanish exams in language and literature. These situations combined, I have been able to expose myself to an outside world to that of my small pocket. This has motivated me to want to pursue studies in political science or international relations; to learn more about how ours and other countries function. What I would also love to do is study abroad and learn more about different countries, their cultures and cuisines, their way of governing, and current issues. Being able to expand my education in this field would be able to make the whole world my pocket.

- I am having trouble thinking of ways to include USC programs and such. Should I mention one of the classes? Or something like that? I know that is what I really need, so if anyone can help with that? Ideas?

-And is my essay confusing? Does it make sense? Am I being a little cocky when I mention my past in Spanish? Thank you!

EmelyMorales   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / 'resource limitation has always been a problem for me' - New York City - Why Columbia [8]

It is nice, and it shows that you really want to experience New York, but that is also the issue. You talk much more about New York rather than the school. You begin to mention the things Columbia has to offer, but then you sort of blindside the ready by talking more about New York. It is fine to mention it, but remember what school you are applying to.

You do have a lot of things you seem to be interested. Avoid just listing them. Create a little bit more of a story. :)
EmelyMorales   
Dec 26, 2014
Undergraduate / "Today you are the daughter of the trucker. Tomorrow, I'll be the father of the lawyer." [2]

I am not trying to do a sap story, because I honestly didn't want to go that route. If anything, I made the people in mine seem nier than they actually are. But hopefully you guys like it :)

Any feedback please :)

Prompt #1:
Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

The room fills with talk of sports, school, and his level of intoxication when he agreed to marry my mother, which he loves to joke about. Kitchen conversations are not rare with my dad and they usually end up being about my mother. How these two opposite people have been married for over 30 years still puzzles me to this day. It is counter-intuitive, yet I encounter it everyday. And although I might complain about living in a circus of paradoxes, I know that it has helped me become an open-minded and passionate person; I am able to understand situations from multiple perspectives. I am proud to be the child of two opposite people, because I got the best of both worlds.

Both of my parents came from El Salvador during the Civil War during the 1980's between the militaristic government and the communist intruders. Ironically, my parents are like these two opposing forces. My mom is controlling and disciplined, while my dad is more relaxed and a bit stubborn and resilient to her commands. They are each other's enemy and I am left victim to choose a side and be persecuted by the other. It is hard to choose, of course. I have decided, though, not to choose one side, but both. I take the positive aspects of my parents' personalities to help me become the person I want to be. When they argue, I listen to the arguments they make. This helps me make different points of view of situations. I have always been fascinated by criminal cases and learning about the different sides of a story and living with two opposite parents has helped me understand that there is never only one side. Eventually, I hope that this will help me when I become a lawyer.

It is rare to have a moment of silence with my mother, who is like an army general. Being the eldest sister of 9 siblings, my mother had to take on many responsibilities and pressures as a young woman. As a result, even more pressure has been placed on me to make her proud. Pressure is something most of us would likely want to avoid, but I realized that without the overbearing nature of my mother, I would have never been able to discipline myself into spending most of my nights studying. "No te dejas," she says, "Don't let yourself." She has taught me not to let anyone bring me down and to defend what I believe in.

My father on the other hand is almost the complete opposite: calm. He does his best to avoid confrontation with my mother, though he is rarely successful. He deals with her tough temperament for one reason. "No matter how terrible the situation is, you always stay to protect your child." For him to be able to stay married with my mom for so long has made me feel as if I can face obstacles in my life that may seem impossible. I have taken this conviction to heart by working very hard in school. Although I may not always receive the grade I desire, it pushes me to do better on the next test. It doesn't make me pessimistic, rather optimistic that I can do better in the future.

Though my world may seem like a bipolar household, it is what has shaped me. And while I sit with my dad discussing whatever topics that may come up, he usually interrupts me with "Today you are the daughter of the trucker. Tomorrow, I'll be the father of the lawyer." Goodnight dad, I'll see you tomorrow.

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