Scholarship / AAS Application Essay: How will the proposed study contribute to your career*? [3]

Hey Fatma, language wise it was a good essay but content wise it was lacking. I was able to point out only one reason for you pursuing the studies in Australia that it will be enhancing your skills and will equip you with the higher knowledge. The essay was generalized, you need to be specific about your goals, your academic program and interest.

You mentioned that Indonesia is facing some challenges, then mention those challenges. Mention how your desired study will help you to overcome those challenges? What kind of projects you are looking for in program?

.....most complex of upstream problems in today's petroleum industry...........
What problems ? Insufficient oil and gas production is one, but why are you so concerned? Why there is insufficiency in Indonesia? How you expect the program from Australia to help you remove that insufficiency? What will be your core programs? Which courses or what you want to learn ? Gather the information regarding the program and write how your study will help you to achieve your career goals? What kind of workflow concepts you are looking at? How will you help as an petroleum engineer? Mention if you have done anything till yet for this problem or have any accomplishments? Plus how your program will enhance your previously gained skills to make you an experienced professional. Be specific about the problems you wish to improve, the program you wish to study and the goals you wish to achieve. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / How will the proposed to your career? [4]

Hey Luse, please allow me to give feedback on your essay. I will go one by one to get you an idea what is lacking in the essay. It was very generalized and you did not mention about your career goals or program or objective anything. Your prompt wants you to tell that how you expect your desired course of study to contribute to your career? You need to mention that what is your career goal in terms of academic goal. What you want to become after you get the degree and how this degree will help you in achieving that goal?

..........contributing towards the promotion of prosperity and reducing poverty.... How will it help you to promote prosperity and reduce poverty? For this, you don't need a medical degree but money.

....strengthening the criteria that I lack in....... Mention that, where are you lacking and how the program will help you to strengthen those lacking skills? Mention if you have gained any skills through your previous study programs or internships?

,...........professional worker and an expert......... How? Do you have any previous training or work experience or academic one? Then mention it, and how the program will help you to enhance those previously gained skills?

........good reputation (Then you can study anywhere why this university and country only? ) and help me to incorporate much-needed information (What kind of information and what change you want to implement in Fiji? )............ What are the health challenges you want to improve in Fiji?

..........neurology field, or any specialising field that is lacking in Fiji, (Be specific about your goal of study. How your course will help you in finances? Going to abroad for studying is like an extra burden on pockets, so skip that point.

You can also go through some essays on Essay Forum or Google to get an idea. Let me know, I will be around :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- Computers should never have been invented [4]

Hi Novi, some of the editing from my side. You wrote well but is not able to form the sentences correctly with new words.Before using any new word, make sure you know how to use it in a sentence, otherwise go with a simple one.

Secondly, try to not to repeat words instead come up with different synonyms like instead of computers, I have used words like Microsoft applications. This makes the example more specific.

Good luck :)

....decreasE in the value ....
....essential meaning of........

Computers .... human's task, (Task is task, it is work, so computers do not replace the work but changed the process of doing it. Needs to be corrected here.)

......... friends . ...to interact with peers of the same age in real life affecting their social life. Lack.... exerciseand a sedentary lifestyle has made them more prone to health problems.

......... ...Earlier, writing was a cumbersome procedure with typewriter or paper especially for writers and editors. But computers has made it easier now with the options of reviewing where words can be duplicated ............rewritten. In addition, the Microsoft applications like PowerPoint, MS Word etc. has made it easier for companies and employees to make a ............. Through internet access, .........

To sum up, the use of computers has negatively influenced the behavior and lifestyle of individuals if not used wisely and in limited manner. However, computers are an innovation which has helped us in handling strenuous manual tasks easily and also has provided a border less communication among different parts of the world.

Undergraduate / Semester at Sea Essay - A Voyage of a Lifetime [3]

Hi Courtney, amazingly written essay. But yes, you need to restrict it to word limit as asked, they mean it !! I totally understand it is difficult to elaborate in less sentences but may be you can skip the quotation part in starting. You dint wrote it so even if you miss it, you truly deserve the appreciation in writing in your own words. Thats a cliche to start the essay with some one's else lines. You write very well and even I am excited about your semester. You clearly explained your motto and chose your words very wisely.

For me, you can straight away start with "We spend............
One more thing, you mentioned semester at sea in essay, I am confused with this, is it really semester at sea? Or there is another professional term for it like in prompt: semester at sea voyage, do correct it !!

Good luck for your semester !!

Writing Feedback / Scientific activities should be implemented and managed by the governments, humans cloning at least. [2]

Hey Vanessa, you did write very well in few sentences but however, you lost track in some. If you are using any new word, try to make sure that you do know how to use it in a sentence. Main purpose is to write the essay in a coherent manner whether using simple language or difficult one. You just need to show flow in your essay.

Some editions from my side to get you an idea:
Therefore, it ensures ....... the community.
Therefore, this will ensure the research is being carried legally and contributing towards the welfare of the community.
In the first paragraph, you have mentioned about criminal activities and stable funds. These are the good reasons but you have kind of merged them making it confusing for the reader. Try to talk about one at a time. You have a great thinking power , just need to organize the words.

.......... governments. as we will see. (unnecessary words)
..to act as role models...... (Role models are not the correct phase, it is used when you are talking about person or example to imitate or copy. Correct word is "Play an important role or significant role")

Hope it helps . Keep practicing and keep posting for more feedback:)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Writing based on knowledge and experience - TOEFL in 2 days [3]

Hey Ean, yes it is purely fine to add your own personal experience, it rather makes your essay more strong. It was a well written essay with a personal example. You need not to write it like you are talking. for example:

That year. That year... (you can straightaway start from that year... do not repeat it)
Another important thing the most difficult part in writing TOEFL exam is writing under pressure of time. There is a timer for essay and you need to write it in a time limit. So make sure you are practicing your essay under time-constraint.

Also, do reduce the length of your sentences, it will save you time as well. Like in this one:
I would like to ............. form into.
I believe that parents invest in their children to see them growing as an individual person under their guidance and teaching.

The essay was good but you need to provide a conclusion too that relates to your introduction. Write a good conclusion as good as your essay.

Wish you all the best and do let me know if you need any more help :) I will be around :)

Undergraduate / My Study Plan for Australia Student Visa [9]

Hey Lauren, firstly you do not need to write it in points but make it like a story until or unless it is asked to.

Now lets come to your essay point by point.
For your first paragraph, Australia has the highest number of international students, but you need to mention why it matters to you? Why multicultural environment is important to you? Australia has highest number of Indonesians that could or could not reflect the connection between the 2 countries. There might be another reasons, some travel due to job or some due to study. You need to mention why you want to be there not because everyone is there? Right ? That seems like a fantasy and following others. Be different and try to mention your own goals and dreams. Why you want to adapt to local environment? You want to settle there? You are going for study so write about how the environment will help you in practical or study experience or if you have any hobby or passion.

Second paragraph is written very well. But you can improve more by mentioning that why Brisbane offers the best learning? Whatever you mention you need to specify WHY. This will make your essay more authentic and new and different.

Third: What kind of facilities and equipment are there which made your decision to choose this college? How these are gonna help you in your study requirements? Today every college or school has the most advanced facilities and equipment. So what else you can specify here which makes it different and specific? What are you looking for as study requirements?

4: What have you done so far and why you chose this course? How this course will help you to achieve your goal?

5. You can improve English even by taking a course. Why to spend so much time and resources in international studies. So focus on the experiences you will get which might not be available in your own country.

6. You need to relate your goal and dream with your course here. How your studies gonna help you to achieve your goal.

7. You should make your parents proud rather. They are proud of you that you did something in your career. Write it the other way round. Parents always support their children. Mention what made them proud to support you this time.

Good luck :) Hope it helps :)

Undergraduate / My Study Plan for Australia Student Visa [9]

Hey Lauren, no problem. You can write point to point but you should be able to relate your goals and practical experiences you are looking for.

Just write it and you will get all the help you want :) You already got suggestions from one of the contributors so I hope it will help you to polish your answers. Truly said connection is required either in story or point to point answer. Go with point to point :)

Writing Feedback / Being a celebrity: a dream or a nightmare? [9]

Hey Narela, here are some suggestions from my side. The essay was quite informal kind of conversation. You need to revise writing the sentences completely not half broken. Keep writing and I hope my editing will help you get an idea.

Everybody is ........ becoming a famous celebrity....expensive clothes,.........famous relationship. (What you mean by this?)

... advantage is the recognition they earn worldwide.. People admire ....... They can be ambitious and can contribute towards the uplifting of the society as they got the power and money to make the things happen in their favor. For example, they help the homeless and below poverty line families by fighting against social causes. ............

........ They are not allowed to lead a simple life like a common man because of numerous fan following and paparazzo. Though it makes them feel good to be a celebrity but on the same side, they are not allowed to live an ordinary life which brings peace.

Undergraduate / Environmental issues, water resources. Brief statement about personal goal and academic goal [3]

Hey Evans, I think we can still write more if there is a word limit then just be focused on your goals. What I think you can rephrase your words like starting from the first line, no need to tell high school but tell why water resources got you interested in one line. you said you were particularly fascinated by water but then you shifted to agricultural which is a broader concept than only water and then you shifted to bio engineering. You do not need to mention what you did just try to relate your goal with your background. Your goal is to become bio resource engineer but why? Then you ended up in natural resources , so separately your lines are good but they cant be related to each other. So try to interrelate your background and your career goal. What is your goal and what have you done so far or learned to achieve that goal or how you came closer to your goal. Thats what I think. Hope this helps. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Daniel Levitin tells how to figure out a problem before it happens or how to minimise the damage [3]

Hey yonathan, here are my comments.
......... experience with a locked door. A day when he was not able to get into his home because of the lock. .He decided to break the window and get inside. This incident changed his perception of solving problems even before they occur. He revealed a part of our brain is responsible for tracking the locations of important things (I did not get this line? ).namely hippo-campus .

Most of the people make decisions when difficulties knock on their door. ........
You need to be more concrete in your sentences, the meaning is not clear and flow is missing. Plus too many repetitive words, I tried to sort out few sentences which will give you an idea hope this helps:)

Undergraduate / FIT admissions essay. I would really appreciate some suggestions on my essay. [3]

Hey Nancy, its always difficult to write such essays as words are limited and we do not know where to start and how to write and sometimes we miss important points. As this is your first draft, but you did pretty well. So here are my suggestions, your writing is good, you just need to add information here. I liked your starting point but I doubt if it fits here. It doesn't describe any of your characteristics like independent, hard working, rationalization, etc. all which you mentioned. It would be great if instead you can provide an example which itself will speak all these characteristics. You are short of words and you have to say something about your accomplishments, activities and some professional experiences. So try to add those here. Some factual information, like what do you mean by real life experiences of professors? Summarize or write some point to point sentences. This explains your love though but your prompt asked you to add accomplishments or any experience in school life. Also, last paragraph could be re framed into like you want to overcome your fears, as you need to portray yourself as the best candidate for them. Do not elaborate too much on your school part that how you were shy but rather focus on how you are planning to overcome those fears and how the school and course will help you. Hope this helps. Keep writing:)

Undergraduate / Math is a language and I use it to express my thoughts. Supplement essay [6]

Hey Mualla, I really liked reading your essay. I hope you wont mind if I ask you to edit some.
Firstly, do not divide your essay in lines, but combine them into paragraphs.
...untwist.. <- unlock the mystery

Also, all you wrote about Maths and only 2 lines regarding computer science. Both subjects are very inter related so you can either write about them side by side or one paragraph for Maths and one for computers. Make it even. Tell more about your interest in computers, not only the project name which I guess, your CV will also include. Coming to your last paragraph why Cornell is the best college, it sounds very cliché that it clicked to you soon you entered in that campus. It happens but readers are looking for more specific answers. You mentioned about professors, that's a very good point. You can mention about how those professors or college or your course will help you to achieve your career goal? You want to tutor at center there but why? How it will help you towards your goal? You mentioned about the classes you want to take but why? You mentioned about professor's courses and books but why? Try to relate that everything with your goal. What is there in Cornell which is not in any other college? For example: if we love maths, we cant take every course in Maths, but some specific courses that interests us as we are forming a bridge to our career through that interest.

I hope to ........Center..
Cornell has opportunities for me and one of them includes tutoring in ..........This will help me to.........explore more about my interest etc.....?
Also, you did not mention much about computer Science course here. Question asked about 2 interests so try to spread them at least in ratio of 60:40. Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The crucial part of being happy lies in one's everyday attitude towards life. [5]

Hi chikachika, overall it was good and what I think you can make it more presentable by cutting out some words for more elaborative words. like:

It is ......Buddhists believe that happiness is finding peace in asceticism while Christians find it in serving humanity through kindness. ..(combine the first two paragraphs, you can add more examples here to end this paragraph and then start with the next one. )

[Make this one a concluding paragraph: as you said "to sum up" here and it is used in the conclusion.] Usually, we live in an assumption that chasing our dreams to fulfil our desires brings us pleasure but in reality, it is just a ......(you can add an example here from your own life: [In my opinion, ...........see the world.] This whole paragraph defines your conclusion so it should be along with your concluding paragraph and make it more elaborative as I did a few sentences for you. To sum up, joy is what we define in our own terms, not what others teach us.