Unanswered [12] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by ebby2010
Joined: Aug 5, 2009		 Last Post: May 2, 2011
Threads: 10
Posts: 51  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 61 / page 1 of 2
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
ebby2010   
May 2, 2011
Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]

How to delete my old posts / thread?

Hi,

I made some posts about college essays and such a couple of years ago, but I wanted to delete all of them, and maybe even just delete my essayforum account all together, but I can't find where to do that?

Any ideas?
ebby2010   
Feb 2, 2010
Student Talk / Anyone who has had a Harvard interview has some suggestions/pointers? Yale. [15]

I have an interview for Harvard tonight, and I was wondering if anyone who has had a Harvard interview (or just anyone in general) has some suggestions/pointers? Maybe some questions that Harvard is likely to ask?

I know the typical 'be yourself/dress professional/smile a lot' advice. I was hoping for something else helpful.

Thanks in advance! =)
ebby2010   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Rice supplement--perspective [7]

thansk a lot roma91! that helps a lot. I've been trying to think of a certain moment in my life to write about so it would be more interesting rather than just summarizing my life. I'll see what I can come up with. Thanks again!
ebby2010   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / best advice - what and why? [7]

Wow! this is amazing! it's so personal and really captures your personality!
Kevin's comment is dead on. Stating the main idea at the end of the paragraph will definitely strengthen your essay.

Also, i think the last paragraph uses the word "happy"/"happiness" too much. maybe try some synonyms?

But other than that, I have no criticisms. This essay is really great!
ebby2010   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / CommonApp Activities Essay - Humanitarian Group [5]

I agree. I think you should expand more on what it meant to you, what you learned and/or how you grew from the experience. That's what colleges love to see!

And if you need more room to expand, I suggest deleting the second sentence: Neglected, because of publicity focused toward the north, in the Sudan, and toward the Iraq War, they are not receiving the help they need.

Can you read my rice essay please?
ebby2010   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Rice supplement--perspective [7]

ummm... i thought so. How about using "instilled" instead?

Is the rest of the essay good?
ebby2010   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / UChicago Essay- Outgrowing [3]

"My new school did not have a grassy sports field.I nstead the school yard was just a concrete space surrounded by metal fencing."

"In addition,..."

"At the young age of 11 however..."

In the end, you say that moving to the city has "made you who you are". I think you should expand more about HOW the city CHANGED you. You did well at stating the differences between the city and the suburbs, but you should say more about what that meant to you.

Also, go back and read the prompr really carefully, and make sure you answered EVERYTHING that it asks for.

Other than that, your essay was really great! Hope this helps! Good luck! =D

can you read my essay for Rice please?
ebby2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Yale: Catholic Church [7]

However, my feelings in opposition to my Catholic faith grew stronger and I felt something very different in my heart. <-- what did you feel that was "very different"?

With this said, although I am undecided about which major I want to take in the Math/Science department, I am not discouraged by how challenging those classes are going to be. <-- I don't think this sentence is necessary.

I think this is a well-written essay. Just try to be a little mroe specific about how you developed different feelings than the Catholic Church.

hope this helps! :)
ebby2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice supplement--perspective [7]

This is just the introduction to my Rice supplement. Is it a good beginning? Ant suggestions are greatly appreciated! :)

Prompt: The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? (Most applicants are able to respond successfully in two to three double-spaced pages.)

I have matured and grown in so many transformational ways since I first set foot on American soil on February 2000. I was an eight year old girl thrown into an unfamiliar setting, forced to learn and adapt into a different culture very quickly. Mastering a new language, advancing to American teaching standards, and learning new concepts were a few of the challenges I faced as an immigrant from Ethiopia. The life experiences I have had as a foreigner in America have borne in me certain characteristics that set me apart from others. My circumstances have made me who I am today, and my perspective is a product of my tribulations, failures, and successes.

Moving to the U.S. wasn't just about a new beginning; it also caused me to develop a better understanding of my Ethiopian culture. The general belief is that my generation will slowly lose their touch with their Ethiopian heritage and be completely influenced by the West. On the contrary, I am proud to say that I still hold true to many Ethiopian traditions, and some have intertwined with American ones. Consequently, I have developed a cross-cultural identity that encompasses aspects of both my native country and my new home of America.
ebby2010   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice Supplement: upload an image that appeals to you [12]

NuclearTide: actually, it is required, whether you're submitting the application online or by paper. And although it may not be "serious", it is a part of the application nonetheless, and the admissions counselors do take it into consideration when reviewing your application.

iqbalhasan0: I think taking a photograph is a good idea, especially if you are into photography. And it's probably a better idea to upload something original.

simplyjuil: I think uploading a picture of a soccer player is a good way of conveying your interests to the admissions team.

thanks everyone for your contributions! :]
ebby2010   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / BU: how became interested? [11]

Hey :]
I think it's a pretty well written answer. However, I think you should include a little more about what you want to do and how it relates to BU. But its a great essay nonetheless. And the last sentence is kind of...just thrown in there without much thought. Maybe try blending it with the previous sentence?

P.S. Did you get into UChicago? (or did you not apply early?)
ebby2010   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice Supplement: upload an image that appeals to you [12]

krazzikittie: actually, this isn't an essay. All that it requires is for me to upload an image of something that appeals to me.

Notoman: I like your idea of uploading something original and making a Julian-Opie style image, but sadly I don't have Photoshop. I'll see if I can get access to it somehow, but if not, I'll have to think of something else similarily creative. Thanks a lot for your help!
ebby2010   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice Supplement: upload an image that appeals to you [12]

thanks bluekleenexx,
I see what you mean about the cheesecake thing. And about the Golden Gate Bridge, that's actually a pretty creative idea, but I dont think it is allowed to add any type of explanation. But thanks for the ideas! :]
ebby2010   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice Supplement: upload an image that appeals to you [12]

This is part of the Rice supplement on the commonapp that asks me to "upload a two-dimensional, scannable image of something that appeals to you."

I asked a few people about ideas, and I just wanted some more opinions.
My first thought was to upload a picture of a slice of cheesecake, because well...I love cheesecake, and it appeals to me. :]
Then, I was also thinking of uploading something calculus-related or just math in general, because I am a super math geek, and I thought it would be a giid way to convey one of my passions.

So, what do you guys think?

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!
Thank you! :]
ebby2010   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Rice Supplement--why school of natural sciences? [3]

This is my response to the question, "With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study?" This is part of the Rice supplement on the CommonApp. (and the school I chose was Wiess School of Natural Sciences)

Ever since I was young, my answer to the infamous question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" has always beeen "a doctor." I gravitated towards health care, because I enjoy helping people feel better and making significant discoveries to enhance the lives of others. The idea that I could save lives with my knowledge and experience makes me want to pursue this profession even more. I chose to apply to the Natural Sciences department at Rice, because it offers a biochemistry major, which will prepare me for medical school. A major in Biochemistry will allow me to explore the effects of diseases and chemicals on living things as well as fullfil my dream of conducting undergraduate research. My fascination for medicine also stems from my background. As an immigrant from Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, my dream is to move back to my home country to build hospitals around poverty stricken areas. Many people in Ethiopia don't have access to affordable healthcare or medicine, and I hope to eradicate this problem by offering low cost services. My success means nothing to me unless I use it to give back to the community that raised me. A Bachelor of Science degree from the Wiess School of Natural Sciences at Rice University is a wonderful start on the right track to my success.

Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Thanks! :]

P.S. the character limit is 3000.
ebby2010   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: "Why I Shouldn't Go To College" [10]

Is college is indicative of success in life?
^ is this a typo? it doesn't really make sense.

College is like a serpentine voyage. A journey filled with physical stress and mental anguish; however, it is also a journey where autonomy is established, passion discovered and the value of friendship understood.

^ these 2 sentences should be combined or something. the second one isn't a complete sentence.
I suggest this:
College is like a serpentine voyage,a journey filled with physical stress and mental anguish.H owever, it is also a journey where autonomy is established, passion is discovered and the value of friendship is understood. <-- on the last part, i see what you're trying to do, but in order for the parallelism to work, i think the other 2 verbs (discovered and understood) need to have an 'is' in front of them just like the verb 'established' has.

...managing a hectic schedule is overwhelming at first, but, these are ... <-- delete the comma after 'but'

...and aid in the realization of one's life's goal <-- i think it would sound better if you delete 'life's' and make 'goal' plural. just a suggestion, though. if you don't agree, it's still ok.

After all, isn't it the ideal place where one finds theirhis or her future spouse?

Although it may not seem like it, the prodigious amount of work given in college is a tool meant to prepare students, not one meant to kill them. <-- "'meant" doesnt real;y sound good there. maybe use "designed" or something else. just a suggestion.

the only way them around is through. <-- huh??

Overall, i really enjoyed this essay. However, I think you should write more about yourself. This essay is your chance to show the colleges who you are.

As far as the length, i don't think it's too too long. I don't think there's much you can cut out.

great job!

if you can, check out my UChicago supplement. greatly appreciated! =)
ebby2010   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'non-English-speaking Ethiopian emigrant' - UChicago supplement--why chicago? [12]

so i revised this paragraph some more and i need some final feedback please! =) thank you.

(the stuff in red is what i'm unsure about. it sounds awkward to me. please suggest anything. =)

As a student who seeks to broaden her horizons in a variety of subjects , I believe the University's Common Core would allow me to gain from a wide range of academics. My attitude towards education, similar to the University's, is that students benefit the most when they learn the tools of inquiry rather than learning facts . In addition, through the Socratic method of teaching, the University of Chicago promotes the exchange of ideas in a communal and creative atmosphere. This method, unlike instruction through lectures , relates to the style in which I learn best.

I hope to contribute to the Chicago community as well as benefit from the many attributes it has to offer.
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / 'non-English-speaking Ethiopian emigrant' - UChicago supplement--why chicago? [12]

the first sentence did sound kinda awkward. thank you!

as far as finding one thing to focus on...well, i don't know if I will be able to answer the prompt completely if I focus on one thing. but i will definitely take that into consideration and see how it turns out.

thanks again! =)
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Poetry / The chair..... [6]

i'm having a hard time understanding this poem. what does the chair represent?
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / About experience, country, education - How should I write this essay? [4]

"plus the college has a dry policy."

what do you mean by dry policy??

i think writing about your father is a pretty good idea. just make it sound personal and natural. i don't think it'll sound desperate at all.

and as far as what you plan to do upon graduation, just write about your aspirations. why are you going to college and what are you going to do with the education you acquire? basically, what do you want to do with your life?

and, you can say you don't want to go back to your home country...just have a good reason for it.

hope this helps!

E.Z. =)
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / common app influential person - best friend Ryan [2]

"Ryan is the type of person that will discuss at length the style of Mahler, the type of musician that will continuously strive for perfection;, and the type of best friend that will always take time to talk with me when I need him most."

"Not only do I find enjoyment in the music, but I have a deeper understanding of the music I play in band and orchestra." <-- i don't think this sentence is necessary; it doesn't fit in well with the rest of the essay.

"...Ryan accepts me and loves me exactly as I am" <-- that's not necessary either.

you should read over your essay to correct a few tiny grammar mistakes b/c from what I hear, those really matter!!

other than that,i think this is a pretty good essay and you definitely focused enough on how you changed.

E.Z. =)
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / 'The Revolution and Conflict class' - Intellectually Engaging Experience Short Answer [3]

my only suggestion is that you be careful about repetitiveness:

"...a story about the Vietnamese War from the perspective of a Vietnamese woman . This book was profound for me because it showed the war from the perspective of a Viet Cong woman in which the Americans were the enemy instead of the other way around. I had never before read a book from the perspective of the "enemy" ..."

other than that, this is a great essay!
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app- Elaborate on Lockheed Internship Experience [3]

i'm kinda confused on the first sentence... maybe it's just me but it doesn't seem to make sense.

other than that, this is pretty well written. however, i think you should expand more on what you did at the internship and cut off some parts in the beginning about the description

hope this helps =)
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / death is only way to happiness? U of M essay 500 words [8]

"The first day of junior year my American literature teacher handed us the sheet witha list of all the books that we would be reading that year."

"At first I was a bit apprehensive about the book(reading assignment?) ; I mean in all honesty the books that I read in school are not exactly an exciting pass time."

^ "apprehensive" might not be the right word to use here.

"They are written years ago in times that are completely different tofrom ours and yet the teacher still expects me to relate to the characters and their peculiar life styles."

^ you go from saying "ours" to "me" chose one or the other.

"After finishing the book I came to realize that I had two options. I could follow Ethan's example as he did what people expected him to do by marrying Zeena and staying on the farm; or I could be assertive and challenge myself at a great institution such the University of Michigan Ann Arbor?. "

"The answer if one could not realize by reading this essay, is to challenge myself and pop out of the traditional Middle Eastern bubble also known as my househome ."

"If there is one thing that reading Ethan Frome taught me is to not conform to other people's expectations , but rather take my own lead on life and do what it is that I believe will make me happy."

"My intelligence and love for learning can take me too many different successful<--(not the right word) places as Ethan's could have, and although I value the opinions of my familymy family's opinions, I do not want to be like Ethan wondering 'what if" ,and everyday searching for a way out of a life I did not choose."

"I learned from Ethan that if I want to be happy,in my future then I should start making the decisions firforit myself and not let others influence itthem ."

I enjoyed your essay! good luck with admissions! =)
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown Supplement - What is the best piece of advice you've been given and why [4]

it's a good start. i think you should work on your vocabulary though.
i know how hard it is to start on an essay. its actually the hardest part for me. but you're doing good so far. my advice is that you just keep going and write whatever comes to your mind. then, once you're done, go back and reread it and fix anything that needs fixing. but make sure that you don't go off topic and always ask yourself "am i answering the prompt?" and make sure you include what you got out of the experience and how you grew from it--colleges like to see that.

i hope this helps =)
ebby2010   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "the banana peel" - Common App: Significant Experience [5]

this is a really well-written essay. however, i think you should expand more on a few things:

1. more details of the camp. where was it located? why did you initially decide to attend the camp?

2. what did the quote (4th paragraph) mean to you?

3. the banana: you said: "never before had I been so happy to see food in my life." wasn't the banana there the whole time? why did it suddenly become so special now?

^ you should be more clear in what you're trying to say so as not to confuse the reader.

other than that, great essay! =)
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Teaching in High-needs, low income communities. [3]

I believe that being a teacher is a political and moral act that can either permit or even widen the achievement gap to remain stagnant , or it can act as an effort for closing the gap and solveing social injustice.

that's really all i found wrong in your essay!
it's really well-written, to say the least.
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / 'stash of brainpower and creativity' - U of I essay- extracurricular activity [4]

the first paragraph is really confusing until you get to the last sentence...then you're like ooooh, now it makes sense. so my suggestion is that you put the last sentence towards the beginning.

in the second paragraph, you use the word "buddies" one too many times. so you might want to choose another word.

other than that, i really liked this essay! its really personal and natural and describes the kind of person you are. I really can't find anything wrong with it. =)

great job!
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Ideas for How did you get caught? [11]

yeah it is easier to write about something that actually happened. but if you dont have any other option, you could always make up a story. or use someone else's story! just make sure it sounds natural.
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Extracurricular activity elaboration--"Project Green" [5]

thats a good idea, but it doesnt really work with those sentences because i'm trying to say that the experience i had while cleaning parks motivated me to do more and become VP. i dont know how i could reverse that and it still make sense... i'll work on that.

so as far as the rest of the essay goes, do you think everything flows nicely?

thanks for the suggestion! =)
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Ideas for How did you get caught? [11]

i like the first idea you had--about running off in preschool. although, it is a good idea to relate it to yourself now, and i think it might be kinda hard to relate anything that happened that long ago. so maybe you should write about something that happened more recently.

i wrote about the same prompt for UChicago. you can check it out if that helps.

are you applying early action?
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Extracurricular activity elaboration--"Project Green" [5]

This is my short answer for the common app that asks to elaborate on an extracurricular activity.
I am 7 words over the limit as of now...

i'm sure there are at least some revisions to be made. any suggestions are greatly appreciated! =D

Out of all the extracurricular activities I am involved in, Project Green is by far my favorite. I was introduced to Project Green during my junior year of high school when a friend suggested I join. I was reluctant at first, because I had never really been the "environmentalist" type. After I joined, however, my view completely changed. While cleaning up parks with my fellow Project Green members one Saturday morning, I was astounded at how vastly a small group of people could make a difference; I was motivated to do more. The following year, I was elected Vice President of Project Green and was more involved than ever. I initiated the making of a community garden outside of our high school and raised awareness around the Dallas community. Project Green has helped me understand that with commitment and time, a simple effort can turn out to be a huge accomplishment.

any suggestion on how i could shorten the essay to meet the word limit (150) while simultaneously making the answer stronger?
ebby2010   
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App- extracurricular activity (150 words) [9]

To make tutoring sessions more relaxing and fun, I inquired my buddies about their day at school and then absorbed their summaries of a new intriguing book, sympathized with complaints about the tyrant teacher, or advised on how to approach Dad about a lost calculator.

^ it sounds like you're trying to impress your reader with 'complicated' language to make you seem 'smarter'. use simpler language; your essay will sound more natural.

also, you should focus on one or specific events rather than stating broad things. i like how you talked about helping a student who was having a problem at home. that should be the main focus of your essay. or write about something else with more specificity.

i'm actually in the process of writing the extracurricular short answer on the common app too.

i hope this helps =)

Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
✖
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳