Writing Feedback / Essay on describing traffic jam [10]

Greetings!

Wow, you are an excellent writer! You have written a short story which contains a traffic jam, rather than an essay which describes a traffic jam, but if I were your professor, I would be pleased to read it because it's so well-written! :-)

I hate to tell you to change anything because it's such a good story; however, if you're afraid that you won't receive high marks because you didn't follow the instructions, you could try putting in more descriptive detail about the traffic jam itself. What you have is good, but you could expand on it.

Here are a few editing tips for what you have so far:

Staring at the middle-aged cashier with the glamorous Barbie in one hand and a piece of pink wrapping paper in another, she could not help but sigh.

$100,- Do not start a sentence with a number; say "One hundred dollars"

imagining [delete the] Phoebe's beaming smile

Ashley felt her eyes burn;

She sat still for a few minutes, gazing outside the car window.

opening the wrapping paper so that it would not be torn--and her bright eyes when she saw little Miss Barbie! Ashley's face relaxed slightly; a smile lit up her tightened features.

she snagged her teeth on her bottom lip and let an instinctive impulse take over.

I hope your instructor likes it as much as I do! :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Great Gatsby - help with my grammar and essay organization [21]

Greetings!

Did you try using an online thesaurus? Some synonyms or near-synonyms include sentimental, adventurous, amorous, colorful, dreamy, enchanting, erotic, exciting, exotic, fairy-tale, fanciful, fantastic, fascinating, glamorous, idyllic, loving, picturesque, poetic, quixotic, starry-eyed, tender, utopian, visionary, whimsical, and wild.

one good and one not so good - it would depend on the context; can you give me the whole sentence?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Any suggestion about explaining this statement? [4]

Greetings!

I think you may be missing a word from the statement. I will assume it is meant to say "Not everything that is legal is right." What this means is that some things may be morally wrong, yet not punishable under the law. For example, lying to your parents about where you went last night is not illegal; most people would consider it morally wrong, however.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Is my thesis about MySpace strong enough? [2]

Greetings!

I can help you tweak your thesis a little. However, I'm not really sure what you meant by the second sentence. I'm not sure how having more friends is a bad thing...?

If I were writing it, I might say "Myspace is about getting more people to create a Myspace page, and that is a good thing for the creators of the social networking site. However, there are disadvantages to the users of the site which may not be evident: putting too much information on your Myspace page can be dangerous."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / How does the law deal with minors who enter into a contract? [20]

Greetings!

The question is basically asking you what rights children have if they want to make a contract with someone. Minors, which in most jurisdictions means anyone under the age of 18, are allowed to enter into contracts. However, minors' contracts are "voidable" at the option of the minor. That means that if the youngster changes his mind about the contract, he can decide not to honor it. For adults, that could result in being sued for breach of contract, but minors have more protection under the law. Let's take an example: Tim, who is 16 years old, decides to buy a motorcycle. He signs a contract with Mighty Motors for a new Kawasaki, but after a couple of months, decides the payments are too steep and he doesn't really like riding the bike as much as he thought he would. So, he takes the motorcycle back to the dealer and says, "I'd like my money back." The dealer has to give him his money back, because Tim can void the contract if he wants to.

I hope this answers your question!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay about myself, what is unique about me and what made who I am (ideas) [18]

Greetings!

Fortunately, you know the subject matter better than anyone on Earth! :-) Think about the things that make you who you are. Are you shy? Outgoing? Sporty? Bookish? What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Why? What games do you like to play? What makes you good at them? What's your favorite subject in school? When did you first know that you liked it? Do you plan to use it in a career?

If you have trouble getting started, try making a list of all your favorite things, then another list of things you dislike. Then, think about why you like/dislike them, and start writing about that. You can always add an introduction afterward.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Great Gatsby - help with my grammar and essay organization [21]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help!

--Is there a way i could say this without saying capable twice? - Yes!
Even though Nick is shown to be capable of morally corrupt acts, he is still able to form a romantic relationship with Jordan.

There are many ways to say it; here's one:
The duality theme--exciting/disgusting, romantic/crude, and glamorous/corrupted--can be seen throughout the major events of the book: Daisy and Gatsby's reunion, Gatsby's glamorous party, the confrontation between Tom and Gatsby, the death of Myrtle, and the death of Gatsby.

You should rewrite this statement: "This statement said by Nick proves that Gatsby constructed a fictional dream. " I might put it something like "Nick shows his understanding of how Gatsby created his fictional dream."

Yes, by all means, remove "proof"! :-) Tom shows that he is capable of love, since he also shares an intimate moment with Daisy at the end of the story, during a conversation at their dinner table, after the death of Myrtle: "There was an unmistakable natural intimacy about the picture, and anybody would have said that they were conspiring together" (138). The use of the word "conspiring" carries with it an implication of wrongdoing, which hangs over Tom and Daisy, even in their moment of shared emotion. [I'm not as familiar as you with the text, so change this if it is inaccurate.]

Even though Nick to a certain a extent was in Gatsby's world, he contained dignity, ---is there another way i could say "certain extent." - You could say "Even though Nick, to a degree..." or "existed in..."

After the rain stopped, Gatsby took Daisy and Nick over to his house. This is where Daisy's desire for materialistic merchandise becomes visable. - Definitely better! :-))

This is a key event demonstrated as a double vision, since it is exciting, yet it clearly establishes how crude Daisy is, even though she portrays herself as refined. Rather than stopping to help Myrtle, after running over her, Daisy continues to drive. - This is less awkward.

I'd shorten the following like this:
Daisy is unable to adjust to the liveliness and atmosphere of West Egg. Whereas she had come from the East and departed West, she is incapable of enjoying herself or coping with this crowd of individuals. She is acclimated to the laid back and peaceful scenery of those "white castles" at the East Egg, in contrast to "the less fashionable of the two," as Nick called

the West Egg.

Here's the last one, shortened:
There are two sides to New York as well. Jordan says she loves New York "on summer afternoons when everyone's away." Even though New York City contains criminal activity, Jordan describes it as "very sensuous ... over-ripe, as if all sorts of funny fruits were going to fall into your hands" (119). However, she uses "over-ripe" to express that it was decaying, that in New York everything was gradually falling apart, due to its newly rich denizens who lacked sophistication.

You're almost to the finish line with this one! Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Great Gatsby - help with my grammar and essay organization [21]

Greetings!

That's a good question, because the actual meaning of "double vision" usually is that a person's vision is blurred by seeing two of everything. It might be better to use another term, at least most of the time. You could say "dual concept" or "dual personality" or refer to it as "two-sided" or "black versus white" or "contrasting nature." You might also check a thesaurus using some of those terms to see if you can find more.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "I was collecting rock, i see a footprint" - how to start narrative essay? [3]

Greetings!

Think about how you would feel if you were out collecting rocks and saw a footprint, in the middle of nowhere (it's more mysterious if you're in the middle of nowhere). To whom could that footprint belong? You could let your imagination run wild. Maybe it was left there by an alien whose space ship crashed nearby. Is it an ordinary footprint, or an extra big one? Maybe it belongs to Bigfoot! The way to get started on something like this is to let your imagination take over, then go along for the ride!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Chinese New Year - Essay [3]

Greetings!

Thank you, and happy new year to you, too! :-) I love the imagery in your opening paragraph. I'd make one small correction: over one night's sleep

I grew up bearing in mind that Lunar New Year always comes in winter, because it takes that kind of bitter cold to bring about the bursting joy for everyone in the city.

In any corner of the city, we can always find the knitted eyebrows on the faces of young wives too focused sewing so that their children would have new clothes to wear in the festival, the sweat glistening on the faces of the husbands

Although you are writing about something that happened in the past, you are remembering it today, so say "remember" instead of "remembered":

I remember holding her hands, walking into the streets, which had changed into a new auspicious red outfit, to buy some parallel couplets written on red paper to bring luck to the family. I remember staying up until three in the morning with my mother to make "banh chung".

My mother would massage my hair gently and ask if I was exhausted.

the joyful, festive mood of the locals on Christmas Eve and Thanksgiving,

making "banh chung" but ordered them from some fancy restaurants.

Sometimes, as I turn the calendar to February, I wonder [delete ,] how long it will take Chinese New Year in my city to shrink into just another public holiday.

The way you describe it makes me wish I could be Chinese! :-)) Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Evaluation of my father and mother's parenting style - essay [4]

Greetings!

What an interesting approach to the topic of parenting! I have just a couple of suggestions for you:

Since I have benefited from agreeable relations with most of the people with whom I have been acquainted and have never been involved in any issues associated with law enforcement, I deem that my parents have achieved their goals vis-ŕ-vis morality.

Consequently, one could estimate that they have contributed to increasing my reproductive success and, thus, played a part in the preservation of the phylogenic development of the human species.

Great work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Examining the poem "To An Athlete Dying Young" By A.E Housman [36]

Greetings, Jake!

You are welcome to post your comments here as well, if you'd like to give some advice. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Examining the poem "To An Athlete Dying Young" By A.E Housman [36]

Greetings!

I think you're on the right track with your interpretation of "Now you will not swell the rout/Of lads that wore their honours out/Runners whom renown outran/And the name died before the man" (Housman 17-20). The athlete who died young will not be among those who outlived their own glory.

I would avoid saying things like "This is proof"; and it might be a bit of a stretch to say that the speaker in the poem may be a close friend of the runner or a trainer. One would not have to be in that position, necessarily, to understand that those who achieve a lot and die young are likely to be remembered as heroes. I'd also avoid saying "The speaker is obliviously stating" something (I think you meant "obviously" but the same advice applies). Try not to sound so clinical; this is literature, not a political stump speech. :-)

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Health promotion regarding teen pregnancies - my introduction-Does it Flow? [7]

Greetings!

I think it's coming along very well so far! Here are some editing tips:

If you start a sentence with a number, you must write it out: Twenty-five percent

Approximately [delete ,] one-fourth of all youth report having had intercourse by fifteen years of age.

the withdrawal method.

In some studies there has been a link between mental health problems and increased likelihood of adolescent pregnancy. Also, 50%-60% of those who became pregnant during adolescence had a history of sexual or physical abuse. Many adolescents, although they have the capability to think as well as an adult, [delete they] do not have the experiences on which to build.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay about myself, what is unique about me and what made who I am (ideas) [18]

Greetings!

I think you've done a great job of improving your essay! Here are some further suggestions:

I remember that I was often fascinated by the sound of the piano whenever my sister was playing. I was easily carried away by the melodies of the piano.

Within these years of learning, I could either vent my anger or express my happiness through the keys on the piano.

I am very interested in how the computer functions. It is this curiosity that triggered my ambition to take this course.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Tale - Part 2 (jobeless in a foreign land) [13]

Greetings!

I'm reasonably certain I never would have used the word "preoccupation"! :-) It seemed to me we talked of many things which Americans, at least, would consider "spiritual." It appears that, these days, anything which is not firmly grounded in observable fact (and by "observable" I mean you can plainly see it with your own two eyes in physical form) can be referred to as "spiritual."

I'm not entirely sure that I understand what you mean by "For she, that is reason, even though shining through everything, gave it sense and meaning, was not herself that." Perhaps you could elucidate?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Experience in life creating a strong memory [2]

Greetings!

You express yourself so well, I would never have guessed that you'd had any sort of problem with it! I have only a few editing suggestions for you this time:

Accordingly, she spoke to my parents and provided me with the opportunity to spend one supplementary hour every day after class.

I spend a couple of hours in a community centre to help children do their homework. (Although French uses only one word, "faire," for "to make" or "to do," in English the two are not interchangeable; one always refers to "doing" one's homework.)

her acts are a still vivid memory. - If you keep the words in this order, then "still-vivid" is an adjective, which should probably be hyphenated: a still-vivid memory; or, you could say "her acts are still a vivid memory."

Despite expressions of love and concern for children may only be an insignificant gesture for adult benefactors, it will certainly remain forever engraved on the young beneficiaries' memory. - This isn't quite grammatical. Better would be "Although expressions of love and concern for children may only be an insignificant gesture for adult benefactors, they will remain forever engraved on the young beneficiaries' memories."

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Great Gatsby - help with my grammar and essay organization [21]

Greetings!

You're working very hard on this! Let's see if we can make it even better. I would smooth out your first bolded part like this:

The lives of the characters within the story are glamorous, romantic and exciting, but also crude, corrupted and disgusting. This contrast, or double vision, permeates the personalities of the characters, the events that transpire and the places within the story.

In relation to the double vision, it is clear that Gatsby resorted to criminal activity; in order to obtain the level of wealth he felt he needed, in order to attract Daisy. - This is a bit awkward; I might rewrite it like this: The dark side of Gatsby's dual persona allows him to resort to criminal activity as a means of attaining the wealth he needs to attract Daisy's attention.

Daisy was considerably, in love with Gatsby's offerings more than his heart. - This would be better as "Daisy was considerably more in love with Gatsby's offerings than his heart."

The death "was" tragic yet it also served to reveal that Gatsby had many fine qualities and that he had a loyal and dedicated friend in Nick. - I'm not sure why "was" is in quotes here; it doesn't need to be.

The paragraph about East Egg and West Egg makes sense and is fine until you get to here: His statement demonstrates that even though the East Egg was, and superior glamorous, it was the West Egg that compared to his "fantastic dreams." - Aside from being ungrammatical, it is just a restatement of what came before. It seems superfluous to me.

In chapter eight it explains that Gatsby had won Daisy's heart, and that they extremely connected before Gatsby left to fight in the war. They had established a romantic bond, which could be witnessed by their intimacy and their passionate actions: - I would rewrite it something like this: By chapter eight, Gatsby had won Daisy's heart. Their intimacy and passion forged a romantic bond which connected them closely together before Gatsby left to fight in the war."

To link the following paragraph to the one which precedes it, you could bring out the similarities, i.e., that they both concern "place."

Just as West Egg and East Egg are divided by their contrasting natures, Louisville also obtains contrasting characteristics, since it is romantic, as the place where Gatsby first met Daisy, yet it is also corrupt because Louisville imprisons Gatsby's dreams. He has a difficult time letting go of the past: " He came back from France when Tom and Daisy were still on their wedding trip, and made a miserable but irresistible journey to Louisville on the last of his army pay...revisiting the out-of-the-way places to which they had driven in her white car. Just as Daisy's house had always seemed to him more mysterious and gay than other houses, so his idea of the city itself, even though she was gone from it, was pervaded with a melancholy beauty" (145). This quotation clearly establishes that Gatsby's dream is imprisoned in Louisville. "So his idea of the city itself, even though she was gone from it, was pervaded with a melancholy beauty." [I'd eliminate the rest of the paragraph, as it just repeats what came before.]

In The Great Gatsby, written by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the actions of the characters, setting of the places, and context of the events, it proves that the American Dream is no longer about the pursuit of complete happiness, but the pursuit of wealth. - This is ungrammatical; you can't say "In the Great Gatsby ... it proves ..." And again, since this is about literature instead of science, I don't think "proves" is really appropriate. You could say: "F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby reveals the dark underbelly of the American dream, where the pursuit of happiness is warped and twisted into the corrupt pursuit of wealth."

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Examining the poem "To An Athlete Dying Young" By A.E Housman [36]

Greetings!

As for the quote "And early though the laurel grows/It withers quicker than the rose" I think what you are trying to say is that the laurel, which represents the glory of youth, is like a flame, which, though it burns brighter than an ember, also burns out faster. The laurel grows "early," meaning it attains its peak young, but cannot maintain this level of perfection for long.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Examining the poem "To An Athlete Dying Young" By A.E Housman [36]

Greetings!

I'm very impressed by how much improved your writing is! I think your latest intro is very good! The only part of it I would recommend changing is this: In contrast with the novel "The Great Gatsby", written by F. Scott Fitzgerald, "To An Athlete Dying Young", has a similar subject matter to the novel. - It is either "in contrast" to the novel, or it is "similar"; it can't really be both in the same sentence.

Keep working, it's really shaping up!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Thesis statements on global warming? [26]

Greetings!

I think the very word "thesis" makes it sound scary and intimidating! All it is, really, is just a sentence (sometimes two) which tells your reader what the essay is going to be about. Generally, a thesis will take a position on a particular topic, and the rest of the essay will consist of information which supports that position.

For example, for a paper on global warming, you might say something like "Global warming is a direct result of modern industrialization's impact on the environment. Unless governments and big business take drastic steps to reduce man's footprint on the planet, life as we know it will cease to exist."

I hope this helps you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Health promotion regarding teen pregnancies - my introduction-Does it Flow? [7]

Greetings!

I think your introduction is very good! To me, it does not sound choppy at all. It could use a few commas, however:

Reducing adolescent conception rates and preventing unwanted pregnancies across the adolescent population is a key public health issue. Adolescent pregnancy is common, particularly among adolescents between the ages of sixteen and nineteen; in addition, there are many associated psychological, social and physical risk factors to being pregnant as a teen, not only to the mother but also to the baby. Adolescent pregnancy is highly preventable, especially because several factors have been identified that correlate with an increased risk of becoming a teen mother, as well as factors that decrease the risk. Several health promotion strategies to prevent adolescent pregnancy include community programs to improve social development, responsible sexual behavior education, and improved contraceptive counseling, plus delivery. [I did not understand what you meant by "plus delivery."]

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Is the grammar in this sentence OK? [8]

Greetings!

I don't see anything wrong with the grammar in your first sentence. And certainly, "surf the internet" has become an accepted part of the vernacular. It does depend somewhat on what you are writing it for, but I think if you tried to think of other phrases that mean the same thing, it could end up sounding a bit tortured: "I made a decision to perform internet searches on the world wide web"? That sounds stuffy and pretentious.

Unless my eyes deceive me, a and d above are identical. Therefore, a, c, and d are all correct. Choice b leaves out a word.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Speeches / It's time for a woman President - stating an opinion [8]

Greetings!

This is an excellent question! To me, perhaps the most persuasive argument that it's time for a woman to be President is that women make up a little more than 51% of the population, yet have historically not had representation by a member of their gender. There can no longer be a fact-based, persuasive argument made that women just aren't capable of handling the job. Other nations, including the U.K., Israel, and Pakistan have had female leaders. Many people (not just women!) feel that "it's just time" for it to happen. Whether one feels that way because of the history of women being disenfranchised by politics, or simply because there are now viable women candidates who would bring their own unique perspective to the job, I don't think there is any longer a credible argument to be made that "the country just isn't ready for a woman President."

I hope this helps give you some ideas!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Tale - Part 2 (jobeless in a foreign land) [13]

Greetings!

OK, good to know! I don't think I've ever seen it spelled before, or if I did, it was misspelled. :-) Nice chatting with you, too, Rajiv!

Sarah

Undergraduate / Essay about myself, what is unique about me and what made who I am (ideas) [18]

You're welcome! I'll look forward to it!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Tale - Part 2 (jobeless in a foreign land) [13]

Greetings!

Well, that's just another example of how isolated Americans are from the rest of the world. I really know very little about India, and most of it is probably wrong! It makes sense, though, because I know the impact of "Baliwood" on the film industry, and movies are a staple of the middle class. What I, and most Americans, don't have any familiarity with at all is the difference in viewpoint with regard to matters which, for lack of a better word, I will call "spiritual." Things which are taken as a given in your country (I gather, from you) are considered very "out there" by a lot of people here. It is only by exploring these differences that we can truly understand our similarities.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / It's better to try to be original than to merely imitate others - SAT essay [4]

Greetings!

I can't give you a number, because I am not privy to the scoring parameters used by the SAT graders. However, I think you have done an excellent job of answering the prompt, and with those few corrections I gave you, I think it should garner a good score. I felt your three examples were very creative!

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "First date" - narrative essay essay (need advice) [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay. I have just a few editing tips:

I jumped up and checked the caller I.D. It was him! [Technically, it should be "It was he!" but since no one says this correctly any more, it sounds odd. I'd advise you to just say "It was Justin!" That way, the grammar is correct and it sounds right, too.]

"This is her." I said [Again, it should be "This is she," but since you'd probably never say that, you could say "This is Nikki."]

The food's almost ready, can I get you a beer? I got some Spotted Cow." [You don't have to say "he said" every time; it was obvious who was speaking.]

"Yes please. Hey, we have something in common--that's my favorite beer. And I could really use a drink after such a busy day." [Again, it's obvious it's you answering him.]

You might want to review the rules on punctuation. It seemed I needed to change most of your periods to commas, and commas to periods. :-) But it's a very sweet story, and it's great that he inspired you to return to school!

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Memoir review - essay for enc 1101 [2]

Greetings!

You've written a very entertaining story! I have just a few editing sugggestions for you:

He was the most outspoken and usually led us into the most trouble.

completely engrossed in boredom. - "engrossed" means it really holds your attention. Your story is engrossing, but boredom is not! :-) Better might be "wallowing in boredom."

Jordon, Kristen, and I stood on the sidewalk

Since the day was still young we continued [delete "to continue"] on our journey to nowhere.

Reid, Kristen and I made it back to the safety of the sand relatively easily

On one side of us were two docks, one leading to an aged, locked-up house
standing on stilts in the water, and the other leading to a floating mess of a boat.

His anger was obvious even through his long, white, scraggly beard.

The four of us ran faster than our little legs had ever had to before.

Worries of what our parents would say, or if we'd be allowed to see each other
again,

After a while we noticed a familiar street.

His house did not look as inviting as it had earlier in the day, though.

we learned we shouldn't do everything just because we could as well as many other things. - "as well as many other things" is rather weak. You might want to elaborate just a bit. If you don't want to enumerate the things you learned, you could go with something more implied, yet dramatic: "We learned at least five years' worth of lessons that day."

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Examining the poem "To An Athlete Dying Young" By A.E Housman [36]

Greetings!

Don't forget to use articles before most nouns: since it focuses on the life of a young runner who dies before his time, in a career where fame is eternal:

Because we are talking about literature here, and not scientific research, you really should avoid saying things like "which can be proven by the usage of the word "lad"; better would be "as demonstrated by use of the word 'lad' ..."

I liked what you said here:
The fourth stanza is basically stating that through death, one can be able to obtain their legacy, and become legendary, while if they were to live, it would be easier for them to be forgotten.

I think you make some very good points in the last paragraph. The problem is more with your word choice, which makes your writing style rather labored and ungraceful. Words such as "exerted' and "instituting" are ponderous and heavy, and disrupt the flow of your writing. Consider the contrast with something like this:

Houseman's use of metaphoric language such as "roses" and "garland" hint at the brevity and fragility of life. Like the beautiful flowers which bloom only for a short time, then die and decay, the young runner's bloom is short-lived and sweet. The young runner is also like the laurel, a European evergreen tree: And early though the laurel grows/It withers quicker than the rose" (Housman 11-12).

Can you see how much smoother that passage reads? Try smoothing out some more of your writing, eliminating words like "proves" and "shows that" and "is demonstrated in" and even "states" (you could substitutes "writes" or "says"; even better, rewrite it so that you don't have to say either: "In the seventh stanza, the laurel represents the young runner."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Tale - Part 2 (jobeless in a foreign land) [13]

Greetings!

That's a rather remarkable picture you created ... the thought that if you remove the poor and their hovels, you are left with an India that looks like suburban America. Not that we don't have pockets of extreme poverty here, but -- and you can tell me if I'm wrong -- the comfortable middle-class life is much more obvious and widespread; the norm, as opposed to an aberrant little afterthought. Here, we take that for granted.

One small editing note: the possessive form of its does not take an apostrophe: "its own."

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Memory and Ethnic identity / Violence, victimization - essay writing [4]

Greetings!

You've got a good start here! I have just a few editing suggestions:

These genes are passed on to us and we have to live with them forever. It is like everyone has been dealt a single card in a fifty two card deck and one has to live with the color, figure and suit of that card throughout life. Everyone should respect other's divine and unique identity, but throughout every major war in history, conflict was based on the collision of two or more ethnic groups.

Although ethnicity may seem to collide with discrimination and racism, it is really based on learning and accepting others' cultural heritage to have diversity in a multi-cultural community."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / It's better to try to be original than to merely imitate others - SAT essay [4]

Greetings!

I've done some editing for you, see what you think:

Originality is a great quality, but there is a negative side. When you need something accomplished fast, it is better to use someone else's already thought-out and working ideas. If not, the time it takes to convince others or prove your idea will make it useless by the time you have accomplished it. Examples of this are cars, ice cream, and movies.

Cars are great examples of when originality is not as good. Society has not tried to make a new vehicle to replace the car. All they have done was enhance and improve the original car through design, speed, and safety. All of the new cars are still based on the fundamentals of the first car. I have yet to see a new means of transportation.

Like cars, ice cream has never been reinvented. From the basic flavors of vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry, new creations have arisen. After years of using the flavors, they have combined them to come up with all kinds of flavors, like crunch, rocky road, and my favorite, cookies and cream. They used the base of vanilla and chocolate to manufacture these new flavors.

Movies are sure to convince you. The old time movies of batman, superman, or troy are nothing compared to the newer versions today. Movies come out every week and most are based on oldies or remakes of old films. These old stories combine with the new technologies and graphics, which magnifies movies' potential to portray exactly what was missing from the old films. As a result, better films and movies come out today than those of times past.

As these examples of the car, ice cream, and movies show you the meaning of originality, one must slowly realize the truth. Originality is great in its time but these enhancements based on original ideas are better.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Gilgamesh epic and Noah's Flood [2]

Greetings!

I've done some editing for you to help out:

Gilgamesh epic and Noah's Flood

Religions are explained by their history, and the origin of their gods by their believers. Indeed, we cannot say who is god, where he is from, and what was the true story. There are some similar stories in different religions and countries- Noah's flood in Genesis, and the epic of Gilgamesh in Sumerian history.

These two stories are both about floods that are sent from gods to destroy all mankind for man's sin and wickedness , but a few could survive to follow the hero's advice. [I'm not sure what you meant by "that used a big boat which made pitch." It does not really make sense.]

Each story has different heroes, and little bit different description such as the shape of the boat, height of the boat, name of the hero and duration of the flood.

Why are the meanings of the story familiar? It may be that once upon a time there was a real flood on the earth and people talked about it and remembered it, and over time different versions evolved, thus the real history of the flood was changed.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Thesis Statement of "Performance Enhancing Drugs in Sport" [6]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help! First off, your thesis is a run-on sentence. The first sentence should end at "level." Let's see if we can make it a little tighter: "Both athletics and academics at the high school level are suffering as students continually see news of their sports heroes' use of performance-enhancing drugs." You would then go on to explain the connection. There are many ways you could write the thesis; just remember to keep it succinct and to the point.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Statistics Project to proofread [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to! You've got a very well-written summary here! Just a couple of things jumped out at me:

the use of randInt in the calculator. - I'm not familiar with "randInt"; is that a statistics term? (as opposed to a typo ;-))

However, holding a classic novel while asking the question gave the opposite result of more no's. - I found this sentence a little confusing. The opposite of what? Maybe you could clarify this a bit.

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Great Gatsby - help with my grammar and essay organization [21]

Greetings!

This is not too repetitive, but would be better without the rhetorical question "does someone in love break into tears...?" Put it in the form of a statement.: Daisy's response to Gatsby's wealth, especially the shirts were quite eccentric-does someone in love break into tears upon being shown an assortment of shirts? For Daisy (and Gatsby too, for that matter) the shirts represent wealth and means. When Daisy bows her head and sobs into the shirts, she is displaying her interest in materialism. She does not cry because she has been reunited with Gatsby, she cries because of the pure satisfaction all his material wealth brings her, making this event also "crude," since Daisy was considerably, in love with Gatsby's offerings more than his heart.

him and Daisy have something "remember able," - It should be "he and Daisy"; does it really say "remember able" in the book? Are you sure it's not "memorable"?

This juxtaposition highlights the West Egg was less fashionable than the East Egg, since it lacks refinement. ---Is this needed? - NO, definitely not. And you use "white castles" or "white palaces" four times in that one paragraph. One would be plenty!

Make sure your last sentence, which will perhaps make the most impact on the reader, does not contain grammatical errors or awkward construction: The novel portrays East Egg as being ultimately graceful, yet it was Tom and Daisy who lived for riches, while Gatsby, who was from West Egg, lived for enduring love.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Great Gatsby - help with my grammar and essay organization [21]

Greetings!

"Typo" stands for "typographical error." It just means you made a mistake in typing. :-) For instance here, you have the same phrase twice:

In an altercation In an altercation amongst Tom and Gatsby over Daisy, - Also, "amongst" really only is applicable to groups of three or more. You should say "between Tom and Gatsby."

You're still being too repetitive. This, for example, basically just restates what immediately preceded it: This statement said by Nick proves that Gatsby was not born into wealth, since Nick uses "shiftless" to describe his parents, which means "unsuccessful" and, "good-for-nothing." Therefore, in his mind he constructed a new "Jay Gatsby," who was flourishing and fortunate, in an attempt to bring him closer to Daisy, considering she respects the rich, but ignores the needs of the poor: - You could really just eliminate this.

for she was the sole focus of his belief in the "orgastic future" (171).--- Ask sarah if I should explain - No, it's self-explanatory. :-)

This is just repetition; take it out: In addition, Gatsby's character reflects the "double vision" trend, since his character is two sided: One being that he is romantic, and the other being corrupted, for he is keen to exercise deception or dishonestly to obtain her adoration.

Her comment implies that a girl can have more enjoyment in life if she is beautiful and simplistic. This proves that her mentality is flawed, which explains why she chooses Tom over Gatsby, in terms of love. - This is okay, as far as not being repetitive, but the second sentence is rather awkward. You don't need to constantly be saying "this proves..." Something like this: Daisy reveals the flawed thinking that caused her to choose Tom's money over Gatsby's love.

I don't understand the point of this: Nick describes her as being a "careless person," who denotes she is uncaring and an inconsiderate individual. He also states, "Her voice is full of money," which clearly highlights, she is materialistic and greedy, "with an inexhaustible charm," that connotes, even though she was "money-oriented," she had an endless attraction, hindering her greediness. - This is almost an exact repetition of what you just said. And when you do say it the first time, rather than He also states, "Her voice is full of money..., you should show your analysis of what Nick said, rather than just saying that he "stated" it. For instance, "He showed his contempt of everything Daisy stood for when he said, 'Her voice is full of money...'" [But please note, I don't know whether that is an accurate statement; I haven't analyzed the book as you have. If it's not an appropriate characterization of what Nick meant, say it another way.]

You should remove this repetition: Tom believes it is justifiable for him to commit adultery, but sees Daisy cheating on him, as the ultimate betrayal, and dishonesty, since his values stem from traditional beliefs that he should be allowed to have more than one woman, yet Daisy must be obedient, and remain faithful.

This just looks like a restatement of what you just described: "This evidence proves that this episode embodied romance, since Daisy, and especially Gatsby showed traits of love simply because they share something special for one another, which could be demonstrated by their intense emotions." What about instead saying that Gatsby and Daisy were so wrapped up in their intense emotions and doing what pleased them that they were oblivious to their own selfishness?

Your paper appears to be about 18 pages long, and there is a limit to how much editing we can provide on this free site, but I'll give you a few more comments on your next post.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Diverse family/ Business Mgmt/Soccer; Adelphi U-Background/Experience/Interests [2]

Greetings!

You've written an excellent essay! I have just a few editing suggestions for you:

as I feel these shape not only your wants for the future, but ultimately your dreams and aspirations. - I'd avoid lapsing into second person here. You could say "as I feel these shape not only wants for the future, but ultimately, dreams and aspirations."

By learning from faculty members such as Professor Allan S Ashley, who impressed me with vast range his experience working in industry, consulting services and professional activities as well as being recognized with various awards and honours. - This is a sentence fragment ("By learning from faculty members..." what?). It also sounds as if it may have gotten chopped up in editing a bit, as does the next one:

Quite simply [delete I believe that] I believe that the strength of teaching and wide range of specializations would enable me to decide on an eventual area of business to focus in on.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com