Undergraduate / 'My mom is important and supportive' - someone who made an impact on my life and why [2]

Hi devin;


This is your opening statement so that give it with a punch! :D
There is one person whose influence had a great impact of shaping my character to be the person who I am today. She is no other, but my beloved Mom.

Post the prompt too in your next threads. That helps you receive better comments : )

Undergraduate / 'Moving to Cambridge; people were different' - common app [8]

Ohhhhhhh.... OMG!

Extremely sorry.... I thought you are a girl :D ...LOL

This happens to me quite often and in fact some think I'm a man too .... :D

Yes, as my father acknowledges, this move made me become a much stronger personality than what I was earlier; a man who could stand on his feet without depending on others for help.

Hope you like this :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS- future developments in IT are likely to have more negative than positive [4]


Why not tell your opinion in the introduction itself? It helps the reader to follow your reasons in your forthcoming paras.


Okkkkkkkkk... this is your opinion and in that case you should have this statement as the last sentence of the above para : )

Undergraduate / 'Providing me with my needs' - Rochester 1st Prompt Supplement [12]

Hi,


Good : )


Why not establish a better link between your first sentence and this one? There is a slight break in the flow : )
Out of them, what I am mostly interested in is its vibrant research facilities.


This sentence is a bit weak one... think of re-phrasing !

Undergraduate / 'Moving to Cambridge; people were different' - common app [8]

Hi Withnati,


how about new environments? I mean instead of change! : ) If you dont have a problem with your word count, you can even say;
In today's dynamic world, you need to adapt quickly to the changing environments. With this move, I learned to adapt; I became a more humble and a friendly person as those are the essential ingredients for being successful in adapting to new environments; I became more sociable and confident to take up new challenges. Yes, as my father acknowledges, this move made me become a much stronger personality than what I was earlier; an over protected girl.

The above is my suggestion for your last para... : )

Undergraduate / Becoming Someone by overcoming insecurities - UC Prompt #1 [3]

Hi


My suggestion;
I grew up in a middle class family, which,like in many such families, had its own issues. My parents fought often disturbing us to enjoy a peaceful home environment, which affected my personality growth negatively. I had to struggle to overcome these insecurity feelings and this struggle shaped me to the person who I am today.

Book Reports / the story of an hour by kate chopin..themes are control, disapppointment, and freedom [4]

Hi


Let me try :D


The first sentence in the above part is too long and therefore it fails to deliver what you want it to. It has many grammar issues too and I cannot really grasp the idea. Avoid very lengthy sentences that hurt a smooth flow of ideas. You better re-phrase that sentence.

I did some changes to your sentences. Pay attention to your grammar too : ) (in bold letters).

Research Papers / THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF MEDIA ON GIRLS [3]

Hi,


well... perfect start :D .... Excellent!


... well... sick world? ... sounds a bit too harsh and arrogant.... why not put it in a more diplomatic way? .... competitive or exploiting or something like that


very true... media is so powerful and so smart at influencing our perceptions

You write very well.... and I must say that it is well presented!

Letters / 'Traveling and tourism industry' - study plan and motivation letter [5]

Hi again : )


I guess your friend has a point. The reason is your answer is not very aligned with the prompt. They need to know ;
* What is your professional goal? In which sector would you like to work after obtaining your Master's degree?
* In which way do you intend to contribute to the social, political or technical development of your home country once you are in a respective position? as well as to your professional or personal experience.

* Why do you apply for the chosen Master's programme? Which of the courses offered in this programme are particularly beneficial in pursuing your professional goals?

*Why do you think you are the right person for this programme?
*What knowledge and skills gathered in your previous education will be useful?
*Have you already gathered any relevant professional experience?
*Have you gathered any relevant experience as a member of any organization?
* How do you estimate your own personality? Do you think you are a good leader? Are you somebody who can make a difference? What makes you think so? (Emphasize your strong points, but be realistic.)

Ask yourself whether you have answered the above in this essay! If not, bring those points into it. Then it'll be fine!

Undergraduate / 'making it in the city of LA' - UC Prompt [3]

The tears I've heldsuppressed for a whilearound my family and friends came outbegan to roll over my cheeks as I entered the boarding area.

This was me, a sixteen year old high school graduate, going away fromleavingmy loved ones and the comfort zone to create my owna new journey on my own.

Writing Feedback / Gilgit Baldistan the paradise like motherland [6]

You have too many sentences that are seperated by commas. It is confusing. Why not re-write this and post it here. Remember, you should separate sentences with a full stop and start the new sentence with a capital letter.

I don't think they will remain happylive happily there. Every everyday they shoulder the funerals of loved ones, won't Afghanistan be an attractive place for them rather than current Pakistan?

Undergraduate / 'goals that aren't yours' - UC prompt: where you come from [2]


Why not say this in a simple way? Then it would be more comprehensible and interesting : )

May be it is the strong desire of my mother who raised me as a single parent; it was her great hope that I would succeed academically.


"May be'' repeats too much : ( Try to do something about that : )

Undergraduate / 'born into a low-income family' - UC first promt your world [15]

well... this has some issues. First, you fail to convince the reader that you are innocent because you give minimum reasons to defend yourself. You just say those girls framed you for something that you did not commit. I also have a fear whether this story may put you in further trouble, if someone in the admission committee would see you as a trouble maker (because you talk about your previous suspensions)

Second, you do not tell the reader how you overcame the issue... going a ride with your father and looking through the shutter at the beautiful scenery are not strong points or reasons that justify your quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution etc.etc. So this answer is a bit out of the topic : (

Student Talk / Writing originally. How to shatter the cliché writing style of an undergraduate scholar [7]

Hi :D
Your thread itself is simple and yet interesting :D


Because their thinking is simple; they do not try to complicate their idea with too much glamour; they just let it flow maintaining a simple tone. However, they add spice to their simple ideas with the most appropriate and effective key words that do not harm the tone of their essay. :D


Because they are not under stress.... when you are with a free mind, the ideas just flow


Aha... this the technical part :D You need practice dear.... practice helps improve your speed, vocabulary, grammar and everything about a language. Perhaps reading also contributes to this

Anywaysssss.... thanks for the post that gave us an opportunity to shake our heads and analyse what we really do here ....lol

Scholarship / My passion for learning English and other cultures! [3]

I am 22 years old and I am currently in my fourth year of undergraduate studies at English Teacher Training Programme at Universidad CatĂłlica Silva HenrĂ­quez.

It would provide me with better tools to improve my communicativeEnglish communication skills and English leveland of course tolearn firsthand about the background of different cultures.the exposure of diverse cultures.

I strongly believe in the importance of learning a second language and learning about the cultures of the world;I am very enthusiastic about becoming proficient of a second language and experiencing the cultural diversity since I believe that they help broaden my perspectives; for almost a quarter of my life I have cultivated a sincere desire to understand and connect with other cultures, and it is that sincere passion that would allow me to make the most of this experience.

Undergraduate / Essay on SPECIAL MOMENT WITH FAMILY. How to write? [3]

I dont think you are so bad. The few lines you have droped asking for help in the forum is really good.
Surely you may be having lots of special moments. Think and select one for your essay.

First tell the reader why it is so special to you. What impact it made on your life. What lessons you learned out of that. Why you appreciate it or otherwise.

Undergraduate / common app relation career and courses [4]


My suggestion;
Financial mathematics provides with students a knoledge of a wider range of subjects. However, as a student of this discipline I find there is no direct or specific job that fits with my financial mathematical background. Though somewhat relevent, the job of a risk manager too does not have a direct correlation with financial mathematics.

Book Reports / the story of an hour by kate chopin..themes are control, disapppointment, and freedom [4]



hey...be careful with typos :D


... have the punctuation


why not use the word ''dominating'' ? It would help you reduce the effect of repetitiveness of using ''control'' :D


You need to avoid repetition of words and pay more attention to grammar

Book Reports / "Things Fall Apart" - ' Kenneth is popular recognize throughout the nine villages' [2]

[Kenneth is a popular recognizecharacter throughout the nine villages, and even abovemore. His earned such high reputation depends onfor his personal accomplishments. As a young man of eighteen he has brought a position of honor into his villages by propeldefeating Joseph the Cat. Joseph was the greatest fighter who was undefeatedwhom for eight years was undefeatedand well known from Texas to Mississippi. He was declarationdeclared the Cat because his back can never touch the group.


I dont understand this : (

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1: Girl Gamer in Chinese Society [9]


typo?


------ otherwise it sounds a little slang :D


However, as I grew, so did my realizationI found my inner resistance to what they wanted me to become;that I didn't want to becomerejected the idea of becoming a doctor or a lawyer.

Graduate / 'New products every day' - statement of purpose for mechanical engineering [7]


I wish your opening statement comes with a better punch. You can even start with the next line and then tell them how you became interested in mech engineering : )


.... I guess WESTEC is the team name and not the competition




This is an incomplete sentence.... you talked what? this does not reveal anything to the reader : (

Undergraduate / 'Meant more than a clearer face' - UC Personal Statement on running Cross Country [3]

Hi,


You display excellent writing skills and a lovely flow of ideas. Just pay attention to the above line; I dont feel comfortable with ''shy from''.... I strongly feel you have a better phrase to replace that with :D



Wish you good luck! : )

Undergraduate / 'born into a low-income family' - UC first promt your world [15]



Since you included some sentences in between the lines I did for you, this part has no more significance. So better take it off. Without that it reads well now.


-------------------- I'm going to revise this for you ;So I became determined and believed that I must continue my education until I reach final goal; I want to pursue a career in computer technology. It is indeed my dream career and I intend to achieve my father's dream through it. I want to help my family to stand on their feet; I want to be paid off for my struggles and have a better life for me.

(I did not include what you said about changing the world because they sound irrelevant for this prompt);

I suggest you to have the following lines to end your essay ; remove it from the previous para and attach it to the end of the last para what I suggested above;


Hope this would help!


: DHey.... I haven't done much for you to repay ! What's the link for your second prompt? I'll help you : )

Undergraduate / 'Moving to Cambridge; people were different' - common app [8]


the two lines here mean the same and hence sound a bit repetitive... Combine them and make one strong sentence;
hearing this announcement, I realized that my life was going to take a new turn and everything would be changed soon .


----- this is ok :)


Take off the sentences that speak of the same idea. When you repeat the same idea again and again, the reader would be bored. The reader looks for something new always :D

Undergraduate / How did you adapt to one cross-cultural situation? What specific challenges... [2]



I first worked as As an intern in the capital city of Guayaquil, I livedLiving with a local family that provided me with greatallowed me insight into Ecuadorian culture, whileimmersed in the study of theand support for learning the Spanish language. any word count constraint?


During my spare time---------- this is my suggestion for the above : )

Scholarship / Be Considerate to be Selfish [3]



------------ selfish people don't like others coming even near :D


I have a suggestion for this;
On the other hand, you may begin to feel others' problems and issues wearing their shoes. ------------ wearing others' shoes means empathy. i.e. you look at their problems as if they are your own ones.

Essays / Discriptive Writting essay 631 words long [2]

The rich got richer as each second passed by while on the other hand the poor wasstruggledfighting with endless struggles to stay alive.


It was not clear to me as I read it; so I introduced this change : )

Graduate / Life is a journey of discovery - Linguistic studies [3]

Great strat!
Hence, I have decidedThat inspired me to pursue an MA degree first, hoping it will provide me with a level of training suitable for entry into ain hope of preparing myself better for Ph.D. program in linguistics in the future .

Essays / How should I start my scholarship essay? HSBC Business School China [5]

Hi,

Start with introducing yourself to them. In that you show them you have necessary background; credentials and committment to follow the desired course.
Then talk about the factors why you deserve this sholarship. If you have any hardships such as financial constraints you may talk about them. However, you need to display that you have genuine reasons to apply for the schol. Also tell them how you would benefit their college too. : )

Finally, you've got to tell them about your short term and long term plans. How would that knowledge and skills be helpful for you to achieve them.

Undergraduate / FSU Essay on Learning! The brain:No wealth like knowledge, no poverty like ignorance! [2]


I love this opening sentences.... Awesome! Very meaningful and creatively presented!!!!!!!!!!!!! : )


Here, you better set up a link between the two lines. As it is, it sounds a quick jump from the mind to your interest in learning. Your flow seems to get disturbed at this point. Display the same tempo as you did with the previous lines. Have a smooth transition from the mind to learning and then to your interest in learning. : )

Undergraduate / Passport To The World - USC Personal Statement [2]

Hi
What is the word count limit?


--------------- This is not clear. What are you trying to say? You love eating high calory stuff? ... better re-phrase this to give the sense of your idea!


... this sentence also a bit too long that affects the clarity of your idea.... It's good to display your creativeness in writing, but make sure you deliver strong ideas at the same time. The reader looks for easy comprehension first ; then he would look for attractiveness of your style. : )

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) Better: knowledge for book or experience [7]


OMG... I have made some mistakes there.... I cant have any clue how it happened and really sorry about that : (
I believe both books and experiences equally contribute to enrich one's knowledge


----------------- great sentence. Really like it : )
''accumulate knowledge'' is technically correct, but disturbs your poetic tone.... you have a good flow and like to see it is maintained through out your essay. : )

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) Better: knowledge for book or experience [7]


.... awesome : )


learning subject ... gaining knowledge / acquiring knowledge


-------- acquaintance is not an appropriate word here. Also, it may sound better if you present this idea in reverse :D
I believe books and experience equally contribute to enrich one's that both knowledge.

Anyway.... your introduction is really good.

Letters / 'Traveling and tourism industry' - study plan and motivation letter [5]


----------- I doubt whether ''bi-cultural'' is a word in existence! check on that!


My suggestion;
On one hand, I experienced Chinese culture at home through my parent's influence. On the other hand, I was exposed to the European culture at the Portuguese school. This made me fluent in both languages equally. In addition, I learned English too that gave me the opportunity to form acquaintances with people of diverse cultures.

Writing Feedback / 'Adapting effective laws' - Tobacco and alcohol should be illegal? [3]


Your introduction is very important to have the reader on your side. :D
So it should be strong and meaningful. It should introduce your topic to the reader and then inform the reader about what your opinion is.

The above sentence contain irrelevant information that makes the reader distracted. You need to talk about whether tobacco and alcohol should be banned or not which does not have any direct correlation with advance of human civilization. Do not include such parts in the introduction. You can have lots of help from the topic itself. Make use of it although you should not copy it in your essay;

Tobacco and alcohol consumption cause adverse health effects to the people. ----------- I took the same idea as the topic states, but re-phrased it.

Writing Feedback / 'Health budget' - Prevention is better than cure [5]


This is ok, because the topic revolves around health. So this as an idea a very good way to make your entry. But, personally, I like if you present ideas in a more simple , yet interesting manner. Tell them in a language that any ordinary person can understand. Here the ''focused segment'' part really does not go well with the topic of health. In management or marketing, the word ''segment'' is frequently used and sounds more appropriate. Health is generally associated with key words such as concern, issue, ... etc. Use the most appropriate tone for your topic as it is important for the reader to follow you in agreement with what you say. : )

Health had always been one of the major concerns of human civilizations.


------- Another possible way ( there is no ''An other'')

Writing Feedback / 'Health budget' - Prevention is better than cure [5]


------------------ This sentence is irrelevant to your topic. You need to talk about prevention against cure. Media is important to build awareness which is an integral part of prevention attempts, but you should talk about it later. Here you should introduce your topic theme to the reader. It is a must in the introductory para : )

Open with a statement that explains your topic directly and avoid vague or indirect introductions.

Research Papers / The death penalty serve as a deterrent to crime? - research paper guideline [8]

Google on this topic; arguments against death penalty.... you find loads of information. We cannot give you links of other websites here because it is a violation of forum rules. Here are few points;

The risk of executing innocent people
The death penalty is incompatible with human rights and human dignity
The death penalty does not deter crime effectively

Do a draft and post it for us to read : )

Graduate / 'my first polymers' - Statement of purpose (Ph.D. in chemical engineering) [2]


This is not clear.... you better re-phrase it. Give a clear idea about your transition.... from what to where?


.... this again have a problem with clarity... also, I doubt whether transit is the most appropriate word to describe your idea as it is repeated over and over again. How about this?

Now I seriously need a move from basic science to applied science that take me closer to my dream; making a fantasy material for the world

.
Better avoid including High School part.... It's your dream for the future, no matter when it had been formed : D

Undergraduate / 'I did Bachelor in Arts in Pakistan' - admission in fashion design course [4]

Good advice from jazihzahir...
Also, your personal statement is the first impression you are forming about yourself to the admission committee... They need to remember you out of many applicants to allocate a place for you in the uni. So, it should stand out the others. For this you need present it more creatively. Take one of your own experiences. Expand it to show them who you are, how your passion for your intended field began to develop and as jazibzahir suggested tell them your long term goals. Dont just make a list of things. Present it creatively!