Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]

Ah, God bless Google Books. I'll be sure to take a look at it later in the week, when I'm a bit less busy.

Undergraduate / NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD. [14]


You should also know enough, in that case, to realize that writing is a highly subjective art, and that an admissions essay that provokes the exact same criticism from the first three readers clearly has a problem, even if a fourth reader likes the essay. At least, I certainly hope that anyone who teaches writing, especially at the university level, would teach her students about the importance of considering the effect of their writing on a wide range of readers. As I indicated earlier, I suspect that you have taken part in protests yourself, and can relate to the essay more strongly than the other readers as a result.


Actually, the risk is not at all clear. Schools can't expel students for protesting, or even suspend them. Teachers don't generally lower marks for students who protest, and are in fact more likely to support the students in their endeavors. The protest might not work, of course, but then all that happens is that the status quo remains unchanged, which would happen even if the students did not protest. So at worst, the protest doesn't work, and the student loses nothing but the time involved, and at best it does, and the student gains changes for the better. So, there is no risk, and no ethical dilemma. It does involve, I suppose, a psychological challenge, as any form of public speaking does, but that is not the same as taking a risk, and it is less impressive in any event because done as a part of group, which mitigates the effects of having to speak out when solely in the lime light.

Undergraduate / 'I went up on the stage and bowed' - Common App - Random Topic [13]


Yes. You are too vague on the qualities. But the problem isn't a big one. You have a really specific narrative, you just need to focus a little bit more on the confidence you gained at the end, when you are reflecting on the experience.


This would be a really effective ending, if it in fact referred back to something mentioned earlier in the essay, which it apparently doesn't at the moment.

Undergraduate / "A Role Model in Fiction" (Common App essay) the influence of a fiction char. [15]

The standard answer: No, of course not. You should be true to yourself, and Christ clearly plays an important role in your life. In fact, it makes one wonder why you didn't write about Christ instead of Goku. You should probably revise your essay to focus entirely on Christ.

The truth: Yes. Most secular universities contain a high proportion of what might be termed radical atheists. Your religious dedication is therefore likely to be viewed as a negative by your audience. If you want to maximize your chances of admission, avoid religious references in your writing.

Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]

It sounds like an interesting book. However, I am always skeptical of attempts to tie philosophy and neurology together. Too often it ends up seeming like an attempt to explain the nature of a house by reference to atomic theory. It's the wrong level to look for explanations for the thing in need of an explanation.

Undergraduate / NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD. [14]

Don't keep the essay. Simone may have appreciated it by virtue of having taking part in a protest herself, but that makes 1 out of 4 readers with whom it resonated, and 3 out of 4 for whom it fell flat. Not a great success rate. You don't want to assume that the admissions officer will be someone who has a record of attending protests. If you had written it in a way that made the feelings of being a protester clear enough to move even those who have never taken part in a protest, then Simone would have a point. But then, the question wouldn't have arisen in the first place.

Research Papers / "Holy farm" and" Brighton Greens" - Business Contract Law Assignment [3]

Well, what do you think? Read through your text and try to come up with your own answers to the questions. Then you can post your draft and we can offer you feedback on your work.

Undergraduate / At first, it was difficult to overcome my self-conscious barrier and obvious cultural differences [4]

It's too general and vague. Who did you meet? How did your background differ from theirs? What did you learn from them as a result? Did you in fact learn anything, or was the school in reality not very diverse, having people with many different skin tones but virtually identical worldviews? We don't know, because you haven't told us anything that would answer the question.

Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]

Here is something that might interest you, Rajiv. Science has pretty conclusively determined that we see with our brains, not our eyes. Our eyes are only the gateway through which the raw data for the image passes. The information doesn't have to come through the eyes, though. The brain will process the same information if it comes through the skin of our legs, or the tips of our fingers, or even our tongue. Even when the information comes through our eyes, the information is very limited. If we saw with our eyes, we would see a flat world with few colors and great gaps between fragments of pictures. Our brain fills in all of the rest, making a guess as to what the world looks like. Oh, and it updates it, so that we see what our brains thinks the world will look like 1/10 of second after we have seen it, since it takes that long for our brain to process the info that reaches our eyes. It's why optical illusions work. The lines give the impression of movement, so our brain shows us what we should be seeing if the lines really were moving. But, because the lines are in fact static, our perception of them gets distorted.

References:

scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=device-lets-blind-see- with-tongues
livescience.com/strangenews/080602-foresee-future.html

Graduate / Need someone to read &critique this SOP..applying for doctoral program in slp [5]

This is refreshing -- a statement of purpose that deals, immediately and in detail, with the author's actual purpose. Good job. Your style could use some tightening, though, but I'll leave that for our contributors who enjoy going sentence by sentence. I would advise, you, though, not to open by highlighting a weakness in your application:


Really, why point out what you lack when you can use the room to talk about all the skills and training you have, instead?

Graduate / Thorough and critical review needed for PhD for Global Health SOP [4]


Overall, this is a well-written and interesting essay. I would expand a bit on this part, though. This is a statement of purpose, after all, and this is the only part of your essay that actually states your purpose. I realize you need the rest of the material too, to introduce and sell yourself, but I'd still suggest dedicating more than one sentence to this part of your paper.

Book Reports / Stone Angel (analytical essay: what Hagar wanted and got out of life?) [3]

Start by writing down everything you think she wanted. Then, look at the effects her efforts to get those things had on her life. Were they predominantly negative or positive? If the effects were mostly negative, were the effects the natural and inevitable results of pursuing her goals, or did she just go about her pursuit of those goals the wrong way? Answering these questions will help you decide whether her goals had value, and whether her pursuit of them was worth it. Once you have come up with this information, formulating a thesis shouldn't be too difficult.

Undergraduate / George Washington University- Transfer Student Admissions Essay [7]


You open with a cliche. Not good.


And continue with a completely unnecessary sentence (obviously you believe it, or you wouldn't have written it in the first place.) Even worse.


Wordy, vague, and cliche. The phrase "unholy trinity" comes to mind.


Finally, something that could be interesting. Of course, you don't explain how the Marines you worked with displayed these characteristics, nor do you claim these characteristics for yourself, which is odd, since, as a Marine, you presumably were also honorable, courageous, etc., and might reasonably want your reader to know this.


This is your topic? So the whole Marine thing was a red herring?

Okay, from this point on your essay begins to be a bit more focused, but it still doesn't gel as much as you'd probably like, and you should be more specific. What skills do you want to learn, exactly? What doors do you see opening for you? What are your ambitions? How do you want to contribute to society? Etc. You could just delete the first paragraph and tighten up the rest of your essay, but being a Marine is impressive, so you probably should include it somewhere. Can you figure out a way to do so that connects the information to your future aspirations and plans for attending George Washington University?

Writing Feedback / Similarity and comparison - GRE essay writing [2]

You're on the right track, but you need to tighten up your logic quite a bit for this to be acceptable for the GRE. For instance, you say that comparisons are only valid when the things being compared are in the same category. But your counter example in your last body paragraph also consists of two things in the same category -- female students presumably in the same grade. Also, even if you picked a better example, one that matched the criteria you lay out in your introduction as poor items for comparison, do you really want to say that there is nothing valuable to be gained from analogies. Is comparing an ant hill to a city, or a malicious computer program to a virus, really unhelpful? If so, why do such comparisons persist? What other criteria might influence whether or not a comparison is useful? What factors might impose limits on the usefulness of such comparisons.

Book Reports / Hamlet Claudius Manipulator - how he was doing it? [4]

You probably shouldn't start with Hamlet. By your own admission, Claudius fails to manipulate Hamlet to his own ends, which makes Hamlet a poor example to demonstrate the truth of your thesis statement. Claudius's manipulation of Laretes, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, Polonius, and Gertrude are all much stronger points, and you should use at least some of them to establish the truth of your thesis before looking at how he attempts to manipulate Hamlet and why he fails.

Essays / Questions about starting some sentences.. [7]

evidence and transitions are the other two you are missing.

Undergraduate / "how we manage these imperfections" - Umich setback essay [18]

I began to act out, disobeying my mother and deliberately neglecting my academic studies in a rebellion designed to convince my father to return.

Undergraduate / Is my asian immigration essay too cliche? [6]


Nope. Try again.


And again, no.


Top speaker in your class? your school? your country? the world?


"obstinate" has negative connotations. Try "determined" or "resolute" instead.

Your essay isn't really cliched. The topic is fairly common, but being on a debate team looks good to admissions officers, and doing it in a newly acquired second language is especially impressive.

Undergraduate / My life, my environment - UCF Admissions Essay [11]

Better yet, try substituting "us" or "we", and see which one works best. This helps in those cases where you are having trouble deciding between "I" and "me" in the first place. And bear in mind that sometimes you can use either:

grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/than-I-versus-than-me.aspx

Undergraduate / 'studying photography' - FSU Essay -- Vires, Artes, Mores [8]


What went wrong? The narrative you have is fairly predictable, but if you say you did everything you were told perfectly correctly the first time, and that nothing turned out, then it sounds odd unless you explain what caused the photos to be blank.


This seems forced. Presumably you wrote about photography precisely because it meant more to you than the other things you do that you could have written about. Also, even if true, it is a point you could have tacked on to any essay on this topic. The reader would prefer to know what you learned from photography specifically.

Undergraduate / My Name is Damon and I Can Roll my R's [16]

What, specifically, did you like about the experience? What did you learn from it? How will what you learned make you a better university student? The experience itself is fine, but you need to go into a lot more detail for this to be the sort of essay you are looking for.

Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

It would be entirely possible for a person to go and pick up a copy of one of the aforementioned books, read it, and then talk about how it influenced their world view. They would then be able to write about the book quite honestly, and with the material fresh in their minds. A useful approach for those who may not be widely read already.

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions Essay: I Am a Bird [11]

I thought that might be the case. You'll just have to make do with the description of it, then.

Letters / "the fast food industry" - english assignment [4]

What exactly do you need help with? As Simone pointed out, you have a clear next step laid out for already. Do you just want a couple of more reasons why you are qualified for the job? That's easy, just think about what the job requires -- the ability to take instructions well, remain calm in the face of irate customers, and do mind-numbingly simply, soul-destroying tasks over and over again. Now figure out what qualities you need to be able to do these things . . .

Undergraduate / Topic to write on (RIC undergrad admission) [5]

You must have some sort of intellectual activity you enjoy, or specific subject matter you enjoy -- perhaps you are fascinated by the circulatory system, or engrossed by the relationship between mental and physical well-being. Certainly, these are the sorts of things a pre-med student might reasonably claim to be interested in. So, think along those lines . . .

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

Bear in mind, though, that you should aim your essay at people who have to read thousands of essays on the exact same topic, many of them dull and unoriginal. If you are going to go substantially over two pages, you had best be sure that you have a writing style that matches Hemingway's for conciseness, and that everything you say is absolutely necessary to convey your point.

Writing Feedback / Offering Incentives - IELTS Essay [14]


Alternatively, you could avoid the issue altogether by replying "The grocery store." :)

Writing Feedback / Access to information about the defendant criminal record - Ielts writing task [8]

That is the argument that the bias of allowing the record to be known outweighs its probative value. It is not the same as saying it has no such value.

Undergraduate / "giving social services to people" - Common Application Essay [7]

Don't be discouraged. If you care about health care reform, then talk about that. It's certainly a topical issue, and it shouldn't be too difficult to show how you or those you care about might be affected by it.

Undergraduate / "giving social services to people" - Common Application Essay [7]

So what?

That is the main question that your essay provokes. You have to pick an issue of importance, which this certainly is, and explain why it is important to you, which you have not done. It came up in the debate you were doing. So what? What makes it personally important to you? Why do you feel passionately about it (and if you don't, why did you pick this topic)?

It doesn't help that you don't seem to acknowledge the complexity of the issue. Yes, rape in prison is bad. Yes, it spreads diseases (many much worse than swine flu, which is about as deadly as, well, any of the other seasonal flu bugs that sweep the world each year). And yes, I'll even grant that the government should do something about it. What, exactly, would you suggest? Build triple the number of prisons so that every innmate can be kept in solitary confinement? But that would be another form of cruelty. Prosecute inmates that rape other inmates? And do what, sentence them to prison? Execute every repeat offender to dramatically reduce the prison population? Perhaps not.

I get the sense that you have picked this issue because you happen to have researched it for the debate, but that you don't really care about it. In fact, you indicate as much in your comments before the essay. Find something that you do care about, and write about that, or else write about this one or some other randomly chosen one as if you care about it. Remember, the key to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.


Well, how about the massive mishandling of the recent garbage strike in Toronto? That's local, from my point of view. Do you see the problem with asking other people to suggest local issues that you care about?

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions Essay: I Am a Bird [11]


That's potentially a really good idea, if you still have the poem. I say potentially, because you were seven at the time, and the winning entry of a poetry contest for seven-year-olds may very well still read like a poem written by a seven year old . . .

Undergraduate / My life, my environment - UCF Admissions Essay [11]

Has your "bump in the road" affected you academically? If so, you should explain how. If not, if you have done very well in school in spite of having fewer resources to draw on than other students, then you should probably mention that, too.

Writing Feedback / Access to information about the defendant criminal record - Ielts writing task [8]

Okay, I know you don't have to be particularly complex when writing this sort of essay, so these are just suggestions to get you thinking, rather than changes you have to make to improve your mark:

Your point about bias is your strongest argument. It would be even stronger if you provided evidence that juries may be easily influenced by bias. Hint: look at civil suits and the damages awarded against large corporations.

You say there is no benefit to the jury of knowing the defendant's past record. But by far the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This therefore makes the information quite relevant and useful to have.

Why should it matter whether the crime is the same or not when it comes to releasing records? Hint: think patterns and inductive reasoning.

Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

You want the name of book or artwork that could be inspiring? Wow. That would be a longer list than this forum could handle. Here are a few suggestions, in roughly chronological order:

Anything by Shakespeare
Idylls of the King, by Alfred Tennyson
The Ring and the Book, by Robert Browning
The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot
The Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien
Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand
Blindsight by Peter Watts
Good Omens, by Terry Prachett and Neil Gaimon.

Undergraduate / "my laugh" - UCF application essay - first draft [14]

Indeed, if you had a particular religious or spiritual experience that led you to believe that God healed you, then your essay would be much stronger, though, as I said, adding in the details might cause you to drift off-topic. You could give it a shot, though.

Undergraduate / Complex personality - undergrad personal statement/college essay [9]

Okay, so, what you want the essay to say about you is that you have a "complex personality." That's too vague. Pick a particular personality trait or set of traits that you want your essay to focus on, then choose anecdotes from your personal experiences that show them. This will give you a more structured essay that is more in keeping with the sort of thing you want to do in an admissions essay.

Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]


I'd cut this. The essay is very strongly written, but this as an introduction does the rest of it a disservice, mostly because the moral of your story isn't really that "money doesn't solve all problems." It is certainly a lesson one can take from it, but it really isn't the central one.

Writing Feedback / Her. A short and random idea. [11]

This is really very good. I too am curious what inspired this. The melancholy it conveys is too clearly captured not to have an interesting origin.

Undergraduate / NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD. [14]

Nice essay. But, as others have pointed out, it involves neither a risk nor, in its current form, an ethical dilemma. More of a "tell us about an accomplishment" essay, really. Perhaps you could use it for another prompt, and write a new essay on this topic.

Undergraduate / "My life full of wonderful events" - UF Admissions Essay [9]

To cut down on the word count, ask yourself what you want the essay to say about you, then cut anything that doesn't help further that impression.


I'm not sure a single person can "stream." In fact, I see Simone mentioned this in an earlier post.