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Posts by freezard7734
Joined: Aug 4, 2010
Last Post: Dec 8, 2010
Threads: 17
Posts: 144  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 161 / page 2 of 5
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freezard7734   
Sep 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford Intellectually Engaging Essay: Knot theory [3]

No offense, but I never like topology :) I was more of the combinatorics and cryptography guy :P
But anyways, this is interesting. However, I would suggest that you refrain from using these obscure terms such as homeography. You should explain this term instead so that the reader will more understand what you are talking about later without having to delve in Wikipedia :)

Overall, this is nice... at the moment, I can't catch any technical errors.
However, I feel a little uneasy about the concluding sentence... I feel that it doesn't give the reader an absolute feeling of engagement. Instead, may I suggest that you use that space to further develop how the knowledge of the number of ways of determining protein structure will help the community/world/etc...
freezard7734   
Sep 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Medical issue, severe psoriasis - Need help with statement App question [14]

My Personal Statement touched on a medical issue that has affected my life since adolescence. I have severe psoriasis.

Oh man... I'm really sorry to hear that.

Those side effects should have tapered off within ten days. They did not, and three weeks later I stopped treatment.

You could add a conjunction between these sentence to connect these thoughts:
"Those side effects ... days; however, they did not, so three weeks later I stopped taking the medication."

At the time I started the Embrel treatment,

Instead of "At the time" I think you should use "Before"

The latter deserves equal, if not additional consideration.

What is the "latter" here? I'm a little bit confused...
freezard7734   
Sep 11, 2010
Essays / Genres and Discourse Communities [8]

I'm not sure what you mean here... oh, I know now.
Well, first off, choose a specific genre that inspired you or helped you become a better reader and writer.
Then talk about how it inspired or helped you. Did the particular style of the genre inspire you to pursue writing? Etc...
freezard7734   
Sep 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]

Ok. Now, I tried to add a better explanation and include how this experience impacted me. I also tried to clear up the confusion Kevin had earlier :) Please criticize/critique/comment on my nth revision :]
freezard7734   
Sep 8, 2010
Undergraduate / An obstinate learner, Personal quality/Experience that is important to you. [9]

Hi Kevin. I'm asking for your advice again :)
Do you think this essay would be "useable" for the following prompt?

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit) *

Thanks!
freezard7734   
Sep 7, 2010
Speeches / Speech about my self (and dream to be a soccer player) [5]

Yes. I also felt the same. Regardless of what you write, create a theme or main idea and stick with it. From this speech, I am kind of inferring that your main idea has to do with being a doctor. In that case, try to connect everything you say to that cause. For example, when you say your father passed away (I'm really sorry about that. I can't imagine what it would be like without my dad.), connect that experience to your desire to be a doctor. Do you understand what I mean?
freezard7734   
Sep 6, 2010
Writing Feedback / Comprehensive Note on ' The impossible is often the untried' [3]

Nature blessed the human with unimagined power: the will to conquer the universe, the desire to know, and the curiosity of unknown.

The common thing we have today, from paper to pen, bed to houses, car to airplane, computer to internet are never come to there present state, if our ancestors leaves their imagination and believe that is impossible to invent them.

This is a little wordy and awkward. Let me suggest a rewording:
"If our ancestors had ignored their imaginations and simply believed everything was impossible, many of the commodities we have would not exist." You could probably to something better :)

I see that you need to work on your grammar a lot. Many of the sentences here do not make sense grammatically and are confusing.

"Their constant efforts become fruitful and civilization -has we have today accumulates, little by little, their toil...
Human have every thing from communication to transportation system or political and economy system by continuous trying to make it work for them. The problem that we think it is impossible, its problem with our attitude."

For example, a lot of the statements here are awkwardly worded fragments and/or run-ons:
"Their constant efforts becomebecame fruitful and civilization -has we have today accumulates, little by little, their toil...and developed the civilizations we have today.

By persevering and endlessly trying to solve new problems, h umans have achieved every thing from communication toand transportation system orto political and economy ical systemsocietiesby continuous trying to make it work for them . The problem that we thinkis not that it is impossible, its; the problem withis our attitude."

Asides from the grammar, I think you should add more details on how exactly the "impossible" means the "untried." So far, you have a few examples of the achievements of imagination, etc, but you don't specifically address how the impossible is the untried... do you understand what I mean?
freezard7734   
Sep 5, 2010
Undergraduate / Enigma of Success (interested in learning more about you) [4]

The Success in Enigma



Whew! This took me quite a long time, and I'm still not sure if my essay answers every aspect of this prompt. All kinds of criticism, compliments, and suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks!

The enigma of success! Even before I began official schooling, my parents would beat knowledge into me, telling me it was for my future good. Drilling me in math and science, they pushed me to become an accomplished person, but I didn't understand what they meant. What is success? Initially, I naively believed that it came from popularity and other trivial qualities. However, over time, various adversities eroded my ignorance and brought me to discard such a superficial perspective.

I once believed success came from acceptance through name. However, my name was often mutilated by bullies into repulsive nicknames like "Dung Ho" or "Ding Dong." This cruel name-slaughter butchered my ego, and I soon grew ashamed of my name. However, my literature teacher in seventh grade taught me the origin of my name; "Dongho" meant teacher from the East! She told me that I should never cower from superficial taunts but live up to my honorable title. She insisted that the great person is one who helps others achieve their ambitions through teaching and leading. Thanks to her advice, I discovered my passion for teaching. Through tutoring at a middle school math club, I led two students to the MathCounts Nationals Competition and tasted the rewarding satisfaction of helping others excel in their endeavors. Since then, I have taken pride in my name and related my life to its meaning.

I once believed success came from acceptance through appearance. However, my appearance had been forever tarnished by a dreadful childhood illness that bleached my body. Since I was young, I was always targeted for my abnormal skin; furthermore, because I was raised by native Korean parents, I could only stutter in broken English in defense. Although commotion about my skin eventually mitigated, I was still afraid that others would tease me for my white patches when I entered high school. Although I desired to ask questions and learn actively, I was afraid to participate in class. Fortunately, my idol Mae Jemison revived my confidence. Her unyielding determination and courage as an African American female scientist made me realize that achievement came not from conforming to public opinion but from diligently pursuing the passion to learn. Her perseverance inspired me to disallow anyone to dissuade me from pursuing academic excellence. Since then, I have enjoyed participating in class discussions without fear of disapproval and mockery.

I once believed success came from acceptance through friends. For years, my closest friends had sympathetically acknowledged my childhood illness and understood the origins of my broken English; but, they suddenly betrayed my friendship for mere popularity and mocked my spots and accents. After this incident, I found it difficult to trust others and vowed to never forgive them. Fortunately, I met an empathetic swimming teammate who, observing my aloofness, helped me recover my trust in others. When I confided in her what I had once believed, she replied, to my surprise, that I was right. She believed that friends should reconcile after occasional quibbles and that greatness came from the willingness to trust and forgive friends. Since then, I have learned to forgive those friends and developed a passion to form lasting friendships.

Even after these endeavors, I was still confused. Is there a universal definition of success?
Recently, my family was met with financial hardship. My father lost his job two years ago; since then, it became more difficult for our family to support our education from meager earnings. While friends at school easily obtained materials for school, I had to earn my supplies. From math competitions, I received my calculators; from an internship stipend, I bought my first laptop. When friends walked around with brand new textbooks, I could only stare at the tattered hand-me-downs I had inherited from older friends, which I had to share with both my younger brothers. I soon despaired; how could anyone progress in life without sufficient money? My father offered a wise answer: "Success does not follow money. Money follows it. It follows passion. Follow what you love, and success will follow you." After considering the adversities I had overcome, I discovered the remarkable truth in the adage. Through these adversities, I transformed from the nameless, friendless, and moneyless apparition into a wiser and enlightened being. By discovering my love to teach, the courage to learn, and the desire to trust, I discovered the ultimate source of success: passion.
freezard7734   
Sep 5, 2010
Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]

Ok. So the actual story is that I tell the teacher later after the excitement about the incident calmed down a bit; by then, the teacher won't care, but at least my reputation was mended. Before then, I tell her I won't do anything. I wanted to somehow add this so that the reader wouldn't think that I sacrificed my reputation for her sake, but its kind of hard to fit everything in 1300 character ><

Well, I think that the best way to remedy this is by including the dialog with my friend. This way, the reader knows that my friend knows the truth; I'm hoping that the reader will keep going and believe that the friend will spread the word, etc...
freezard7734   
Sep 5, 2010
Undergraduate / being a successful leader- the most significant challenge you've faced [2]

Overall, I think it explains the unexpected happenings somewhat well... However, I have this vague feeling that this essay feels a little rushed... Not that you rushed it, but that... well, try to elaborate on both of them a little more. For the second incident, it kind of sounds like black and white... Try to tell the reader the details of the situations - What exactly happened? What were your and your teammate's reactions? Did you and your team talk with each other to try and solve the problem? Or was it actually that you just remembered the different method? ... Do you kind of understand what I mean?

Good planning and wide range of knowledge is necessary for us to succeed. Even if it is out of plan, don't panic, listen to others may help.
freezard7734   
Sep 3, 2010
Undergraduate / Strong sense of obstinacy best describes me. MIT [9]

"Obstinate person" shouldisbe the best term describing me. This personality has pushed me to do the best I can.

Your grammar is ok (and can be improved with practice :), and I think this essay is ok content-wise... however, I feel that you don't support your personality very well. You should use more specific experiences and such to substantiate your main point, that you are stubborn and determines. Also, I'm not sure how the paragraph on teaching fits in the overall essay; you should tie that paragraph in by elaborating on how through teaching, you show your determination.
freezard7734   
Sep 1, 2010
Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]

Also, you should spend more time talking about the dilemma.. I think you only discussed wrestling with the dilemma a little bit.

Does this help explain the dilemma more? I'm wrestling with a character count limit (I think that's worse than a word count limit ><) here while trying to maintain the the substance and effectiveness of this story.

Thanks a lot for your time and effort!

School just started, so I won't be able to contribute as much as I did before, but I will definitely try to help here and there. Would that be fine? Once college applications are done, though, I can come back on track.
freezard7734   
Aug 31, 2010
Scholarship / UofT in Life Science: Need help starting an essay on my career plan [7]

You said that you are finishing undergrad study in life science. What are you going to do with your knowledge? By going into the medical field, what will you achieve? How will you help the world or your community with your experience? These are the kind of questions you should consider. For examples, think of the things you have done already during your life and reflect on how they shaped your plans. We don't know how you lived your life, but it definitely must have some impact on your future plans.
freezard7734   
Aug 31, 2010
Writing Feedback / Does the end justify the means? - GRE issue essay. [6]

Haha...thanks. By the way, this is a GRE essay.

Oh. Right! :] But I guess SAT is sort of similar... except we have a WHOPPING 25 minutes to write an essay -.-
freezard7734   
Aug 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "My dad passed away when i was just 11 years old", an application essay. [17]

Your idea is kinda typical. You should have more specific examples, like real specific showing how YOU not other people doing through the hardships. Otherwise, your essay may have a potential chance of losing AOs' attention.

I'm afraid I must agree. I hear from teachers and professors that this kind of topic is cliche. What you can do to make this more personal is what Cuong advised. Right now, when I read this, I feel that you are writing about how you admire your mother rather than the influence of the loss on you. Tell the reader what you deeply felt and how you coped with the loss. By making it more personal, the essay will become more powerful. :)
freezard7734   
Aug 31, 2010
Writing Feedback / "The diagram related how are lead pencils made.", IELTS: writing part 1 [6]

It takes 4 months till it have to be replanted.

You should never "till." Instead, use until.

Then,Afternext 14 years, the tree is prepared to be cut down.

Your thoughts are very organized. However, I would suggest varying you sentence structures a little bit. So, for example, you could combine "There the tree is cut for thin "slats" and it is treated. It stays inactive for 60 days." like:

"There, the tree is cut forinto thin "slats." The slats are treated and remain inactive for the next 60 days."

What is this essay for? I see that it is for IELTS, but do you have a prompt?
freezard7734   
Aug 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Subsonic Delight, something that you find fun or humorous (Caltech) [8]

I guess in general I would want to write about something that is more sophisticated humor, like about politics or current events, or a field of study.

I thought so too... :\ But my sophisticated humor is not the greatest... I generally like "sophisticated farce" better, where I use the concepts of science or literature to enact funny things...

If it's truly necessary to change my story to encompass sophisticated humor, could you tell me? If I have to change my story, I'll have to do it. Gotta do what I have to do. :)
freezard7734   
Aug 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

Thanks for the advice! I tried to incorporate more the concepts I would like to master an MIT, but the word count is still constricting... I feel that if I cut any more out of the story before, my conclusion (which I feel is still very weak) would become out of place...

I tried my best to make the Gameboy sound as human as possible, giving it human attributes, to emphasize the artificial intelligence aspect of the story... Am I doing that alright?

When I was ten, my Gameboy was my closest companion; I caressed every scratch I found. One day, during an intense Pokemon battle, the screen dimmed and its life faded; scared, I naively demanded that my dad revive it through CPR. When my dad dissected the case, I was anxious to witness blood ooze out of its heart, but I only saw two bars my dad called "batteries." Feeling cheated, I dedicated myself to dissecting the neural power of electronics; MIT's DEECS robotics can help me uncover the secrets of electronics and supply artificial intelligence to the human need.
freezard7734   
Aug 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / Does the end justify the means? - GRE issue essay. [6]

Here we see sportsmen losing on purpose to earn some extra money. Thus, the goal is to earn money, but the method is illegal.

Here, I don't know if losing on purpose is illegal, but it is definitely immoral. Bringing your other teammates down just for money is almost definitely wrong.

The match-f ixing I believe it should be one word scandals in cricket and football that have surfaced recently point out this phenomenon.

I think you should add a smoother transition between the second and third paragraph. In the second one, you are talking about the good points of achieving goals through any means, but in the third you abruptly introduce the dark side of the quote. When you said, "for many people, the goal is to earn money," I didn't expect you to completely turn it around and add a dark, evil connotation to earning money. You should ease it in, saying something about how earning money illegally is immoral in the first sentence.

Otherwise, I think you organized the rest of your thoughts pretty well. 45 minutes is definitely not enough time to ponder and organize your thoughts effectively, but you're pretty good at it. (I was never good at the SAT essays ><)
freezard7734   
Aug 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / Does the end justify the means? - GRE issue essay. [6]

Yes! I totally agree! The quote is a bit extreme, if you ask me.

People who go in pursuit of their dreams, more often than not, have to take the path which has more obstacles than others.

May I suggest a slight rewording? To me, this sentence feels a little awkward:
"In pursuing their dreams, people, more often than not, choose paths with much obstacles."
When you say "than others," what is the other path?
I think this sentence should say something more like: people choose unorthodox paths to achieve success... or something similar because the rest of the paragraph, you talk about the possibility of the successfulness of the "awkward decisions."

Sorry - I have to go now - I'll get back to this as soon as I can.
freezard7734   
Aug 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]

What grade were you in?

I don't understand what happened! How did you get in trouble for her using a cheat sheet?

It was sophomore year actually.

Oh... I should be clearer. The teacher saw me looking at her, so he thought I was cheating. -.- Th irony.
freezard7734   
Aug 30, 2010
Essays / Extended essay on sustainable vs. green design ideas [9]

This article will definitely help you understand the differences:

qualifiedremodeler.com/print/Qualified-Remodeler/Green-vs-S ustainable--Discerning-the-Difference-/1$922

Sustainable designs just last long even if it is bad for the environment.
Green is self explanatory (but not necessarily sustainable)
Sustainable AND green is THE way to go. :)
freezard7734   
Aug 30, 2010
Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [12]

Thanks everyone for your help!

I was wondering if I would recycle this essay for the following prompt:
"In a world where technology continually adapts and progresses, Harvey Mudd College expects that our students will be aware of the impact of their work on society. How would you use new advances to improve your life and/or the lives of those around you? Describe your idea and its potential impact. Feel free to be as creative or as practical as you like."

Would it work? From these apps, I learned that it's best to right a "universal" essay that will help answer several college prompts at once so that you won't have to write over and over again. :)
freezard7734   
Aug 30, 2010
Essays / Extended essay on sustainable vs. green design ideas [9]

Well, I would think this one would be an easy one. Take a side. Is going green better than simply going for the sustainable, more efficient devices? Take a stance and argue for your side. Try this - it should give you some ideas how to start.
freezard7734   
Aug 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Subsonic Delight, something that you find fun or humorous (Caltech) [8]

Are you sure you want to be associated with "evil" cleverness?

This is merely an exaggeration emphasizing my childish ways when I was young.

Creative pranks are one thing but what you find "fun and humorous" reflects on your charecter

Must it reflect on who I am? I'm sure many of the pranks other people pull of do NOT reveal their true characteristics...

But thanks for the advice anyways... I definitely don't want to seem truly "evil." :] Maybe just in a playful way.
freezard7734   
Aug 30, 2010
Essays / Extended essay on sustainable vs. green design ideas [9]

I would suggest researching these topics on google first. Then find several examples of each kinds of design and talk about them. Talk about which ones is more economical ore environmental-friendly or easy to implement or profitable. Talk about these things.
freezard7734   
Aug 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Subsonic Delight, something that you find fun or humorous (Caltech) [8]

Here's the prompt:
"Caltech students have long been known for their quirky sense of humor and creative pranks and for finding unusual ways to have fun. What is something that you find fun or humorous?"

Ever since I learned to bang my hands on the piano, I relentlessly sought to experiment with sound; I would scavenge woodblocks to smash or glasses to clash until my distressed mother screamed for me to stop the racket... Years later, I discovered an article on fear-inducing effects of subsonic noise; my hunger for din panged me once again, so I decided to scheme a clever prank to scare my younger brother for fun. While he was out, I hid bass speakers in his room and left his window open; at night, mysterious infrared music oozed from the speakers while a chilly breeze swept throughout his room. Peeking through the crack of the door, I saw my brother huddled in a corner with a blanket wrapped around him as if for protection. I pushed the door ever so slightly so that the hinges squeaked as if a ghost had brushed past his room. His eyes widened with fear. I repeatedly rocked the door until - "Mom! Dad!" Swiftly, I dashed to my room, turned off the sound, and relished my evil cleverness.

I really enjoyed writing this one. ^^ Ha - kinda feel sorry for my brother now, but it was hilarious.
freezard7734   
Aug 29, 2010
Essays / Fall is the season that causes people to feel low - how to write introduction? [3]

Do you agree?

I don't really agree, personally. Too me, it is one of the best seasons. Right between summer and winter, the weather is almost always "just right."

For your thesis, don't state "most feel low..." because many of the readers may find otherwise. Simply just say "while some like fall ... others think that fall makes them feel low... etc"

Do you see what I mean?

For the body paragraphs, think of reasons why fall would make someone feel low and enervated. You could even use scientific facts if you can find them. Experience with others can also help.
freezard7734   
Aug 29, 2010
Essays / Essay Topic : Hope. (What does that mean?A final exam essay topic! Just Hope.) [3]

Woah!... First off, let's keep the profanity down. Swearing won't get you answers.

Personally, I find the more vague, the better because you have a wider range of options. I see that you wanted to write about "Hope." Just reflect on your past and think of the experiences that gave you hope. It could be doing well on your first test or winning a small game of chess. It doesn't have to be epic. Just find out the small things that give you hope, pull out an experience from the back of your head, and write about it. Write about what happened, how the experience gave you hope, and what you learned from it.

For "Lessons," think of something foolish you did.. or even something stupid someone else did. How did your/their actions affect others? What did you learn from you/their actions?

For "Open your Eyes," you should take this metaphorically. When you open your eyes, you see things you didn't see before. When was the last time you had that feeling? Maybe its a stereotype you always believed until an experience showed you that stereotypes are, in fact, almost never true.

Hope this helps.
freezard7734   
Aug 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "edit our profile" essay explaining why you don't wish to complete this assignment [8]

I think the best way to go about this essay is by creating your thesis about stalking and its effect on you. You shouldn't necessarily think that you have to directly address the question your teacher gave you. You can talk about your experience like how you told us and elaborate on how it impacted you. Then you can explain why you are afraid of posting pictures of yourself, etc. This way you will actually be answering the teacher's question while telling a story about yourself. This all is just a suggestion though. :)
freezard7734   
Aug 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Best advice essay on "Hakuna matata" (from The Lion King) [4]

I was going to have some sentences rephrased as I read along... but I think I have a better idea to lower your word count. As I read your first paragraph, I thought your essay would have to do with finding rewards or some alternative to rewards. However, right after you talk about your advice. To me, the first paragraph seems to be out of context in regards to the essay as a whole. If you don't mind, I suggest that you cut the first paragraph out of the essay...

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