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Posts by Gautama
Joined: Nov 26, 2008
Last Post: Jul 24, 2009
Threads: 6
Posts: 121  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 127 / page 2 of 4
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Gautama   
Apr 29, 2009
Faq, Help / Tips for Being a Quality Contributor [9]

Yeah I think as a member everyone has the bold and italics. Why is it that only we have the red letters? Why couldn't regular members use red letters too?

Also please do tell us what book you are referring to by Dianna Hacker. Thanks.
Gautama   
Apr 28, 2009
Faq, Help / Tips for Being a Quality Contributor [9]

I don't think there is a real formula or set ratio for criticism that should be offered on this site. Of course all criticism should be constructive and in good taste. Aside from that you can just give us whatever you can. You don't have to be a professional writer to help others, heck I'm not. You don't need to tell us that you are not perfect in every post either.

At times you will find that it is good to just take a portion of an essay and critique it. Of course it is not as good as doing the whole thing but it is better than nothing. Sometimes I do that if I just don't have time. You can also decide to what level of depth you want to go into for any particular paper. For example you could simply suggest to shorten the intro paragraph and get more examples for the body paragraphs or you could actually go line by line and correct the whole paper for grammar and spelling.

Unfortunately, the red letters are reserved for moderators and contributors so that we can feel special.

Basically all you have to do is read whatever the work is and decide what you think would be the best way to improve it. Praise is good occasionally but the point of this site is to improve through criticism so to much praise can become a waste of space. I watched what the moderators did and just tried to do the same thing. Learn from example. Good luck!
Gautama   
Apr 27, 2009
Research Papers / Observing or studying animals could teach us a lot about human nature: research [5]

Just for kicks I thought I would respond to some of what you said.

"For instance human beings have a totally different solution when others provoke them compared with animals."
----In a sense humans actually have the same response that animals do when provoked. For the most part, animals, as humans do, tend to respond to negativity with more negativity. If a panther were to harass a bear the panther would probably get attacked physically. If a human were to harass another human the first human would also probably get attacked as well, though it would probably be a verbal attack rather than a physical one. I would argue that humans respond the exact same way that animals do to their environments. Its just that humans have more complicated or reserved responses. The intent is the same however. "If an entity in my environment is trying to cause me harm then I must get away from it or destroy it." Think about nations. When one nation provokes another with military action the second nation will of course respond with violent action just as animals do. Of course humans also do try to find rational solutions to their problems without conflict but animals do this as well. Symbiotic relationships are everywhere in nature and many animals join together to form groups to survive through teamwork. Humans do the exact same thing only on a much larger scale.----

"Some animals may show their bestial character when other's show hostility to them or they are chasing their quarries. It is their nature, not ours."

----Think about this. If someone was chasing you or attacking you would you stop and try to rationalize what was happening to you? Of course not. Your animal insticts would kick in and you would either run for your life or stand and fight.----

So I guess all that would be an argument that supports the notion that humans can learn from animals. However, even if you were going to go the other way you would need to take on these ideas and find their flaws.
Gautama   
Apr 27, 2009
Writing Feedback / Under the Age of Eighteen and in the Military: Evaluation Essay [4]

Paragraph 3 asks questions but does not seem to come up with many conclusions. The first and/ or second sentence(s) of each paragraph should sum up the main idea or the "conclusion" of the paragraph. For instance in paragraph 4 I can't really tell what the conclusion is. You present how most parents view letting their kids go into the military and how it would affect them if their children died in war but you don't explain what it has to do with the thesis of your paper. The ideas you present are valid but you haven't told us why they are valid.

In fact the first paragraph does nothing but ask questions. The first paragraph should exhibit the sum of the main idea of your paper. The questions are just half of what your paper is about. The answers are the other half. You ANSWER will be your thesis statement and we need to see that thesis statement in the first paragraph.

The last paragraph does draw some conclusions about the questions you present earlier but they come much to late in the essay. Take some of that content and put it into the first paragraph.
Gautama   
Apr 27, 2009
Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Paper - appearance vs reality [6]

Well if you need to submit this paper to turnitin.com it wouldn't really be possible for us to write it for you because the originality report would probably detect that the paper was copied. Besides, that is not what we do here. We help you with your essay. We don't write it for you.

Give us an outline of what you want to do. Or better yet give us a rough draft. We can offer you constructive feedback.

You say that you "can not even start on it". You apparently have a computer and time enough to send us this message so you can easily slap at least a meager attempt at a rough draft together for us to look at. If you don't have time then perhaps prioritize. Is what you are doing right now instead of working on this paper really worth recieving an F for?
Gautama   
Apr 14, 2009
Writing Feedback / Early human development is strongly influenced by nature [2]

The first paragraph should have the thesis statement. You say that you will be talking about the impact of nurture in early human development but we need to know what you are going to be saying about it. What is the overall message you want to convey about the impact of nurture?

The topic sentences for the 2nd and 4th paragraphs are basically the same. Combine these 2 paragraphs or make them have their own distinct ideas.

The 5th paragraph is just one long run-on sentence. To be honest I really have no idea what it is trying to say. Instead of saying "and" a bunch of times break the sentence up into smaller sentences. Also this just kind of seems like a list of examples to support the idea that the environment affects early development. You already have all the other paragraphs talking about this. I guess you are trying to focus on education. Try to go into a little more depth.

The reason that we break up lines of text into paragraphs is so that we can separate them based on the main ideas that they have. Basically the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th paragraphs all have the same main idea but use different examples to talk about it. Try to sit down and really think about the different topics that you can discuss for this essay then write paragraphs about those topics and dont deviate. The paragraph breaks here seem a little arbitrary and I can't tell what the difference is (besides examples) about what you are trying to tell use about how nurture affects early development from paragraph to paragraph.

I know it's rough but post some revisions and it will only keep looking better and better. :)
Gautama   
Apr 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Gambia to Georgia -- entrepreneur in the resturaunt business. [5]

Please give us the instructions you are writing for. (I know it's for college)

I don't know if its just me but I would consider writing an autobiographical piece in the third person a little ridiculous. It would sound like you are one of those people who always refers to themselves in the 3rd person. "George is getting upset!"

It just depends on what the prompt was. Maybe you should talk about your new major and how the experiences with your restaurant business made you want to get into that subject. (I assume you are reapplying to college?) But we are groping in the dark here so tell us what college, major/program this is for and give us those instructions! :)
Gautama   
Apr 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Supplemental application for UBC -- Passion, Bachelor of Science program [13]

What you are saying here sounds pretty generic. Pretty much anyone who is willing to go through the hard work to get a degree in the sciences must have some passion for it, a willingness to learn the material, the motivation to try their best, etc.

What is it that is unique to you that would give you success over someone else? They are asking for qualities so maybe you should try to talk about your personality. Maybe you are a very analytical person. You could talk about some example in your life where you really demonstrated analytical skills. Maybe you love to help people. You could talk about a time when you demonstrated that characteristic.(for biological sciences used in medical careers.)

If you want to be, say, a doctor you could even talk about your religious beliefs if they would help you through tough decisions and give you personal strength and solace in the face of desperate situations. If you can find maybe two specific positive qualities about your personality and then elaborate on specific examples of how you demonstrated them you could easily go over 200 words. Then you can edit it down. Stay away from cliches! :)
Gautama   
Mar 30, 2009
Essays / How to write Term Paper on Alzheimers? 5 pages with cover and bibliography [7]

So is this like a research paper? Are you supposed to form an opinion about some aspect of how Alzheimers affects society?

In any case you will need to start with research. Research Alzheimers through scholarly journals. Collect the information you need to put in your bibliography from each article as you go. I sometimes use a site called Proquest to find scholarly journals. If you are supposed to form an argument about some aspect of Alzheimers then look over your research and form an opinion based on the evidence. Find quotes and examples to back up your claims.

Give us the full instructions to your assignment please! :)
Gautama   
Mar 28, 2009
Grammar, Usage / What can help a student to write a good essay (research for my assignment) [7]

So you are doing an essay on how to write an essay, prepare for a debate, make a speech, and conduct research? Phew! That is enough for four different essays.

I guess what you should do for any of these is to first research whatever topic you are dealing with if you dont have enough information already. After looking over all of your research form an opinion about whatever the issue is you are dealing with. Then find examples in your research to back up your opinion.

For instance if you are doing an essay on a piece of literature then your research would be to read the book. Then you take a stance of whatever the issue you want to deal with is. Then you would find quotes and examples from the text to back up your stance. Your stance should be summarized into a thesis statement at the begining of the essay and dont forget to include the answer to the "why" question concerning your stance!

If you are debating global warming you would do as much research on global warming as you could (reading books, searching the internet for scholarly journals, etc.) then of course form an opinion about it. When debating other people on the subject you will use examples to back up your argument from the research you have done. (It is also good to research what you think the other side will research. Find out what the opposition's main arguments will be and then work out how you are going to disprove them ahead of time so you aren't struck dumb in the middle of the debate by a statement that you don't know how to cannot combat in the heat of the moment.)

This is a really broad and general strategy but it does apply to all of the activities that you mentioned you need will need to talk about. Good luck!
Gautama   
Mar 28, 2009
Writing Feedback / Do circumstances determine whether or not we should tell the truth? [10]

So are these two different essays? It might be a better idea to create a separate thread for each of them.

The first paragraphs in both essays need to contain the thesis statement. Answer the question: "Do circumstances determine whether or not we should tell the truth?" or "Is there a value in celebrating certain individuals as heroes" here and provide the basic reasons why you think your answer is so. The first essay does eventually answer the question but in an unorganized way. You have some good examples to back up your statements but you need to establish the main idea for your readers before you give them examples.

As for the second essay, I think it answers the question in a really limited way. You talk about what a hero is and give examples of heroes but you dont tell us why there is or why there isn't value in celebrating certain individuals as heroes until really late in the essay. You barely start to touch on the question in the last sentence of the second paragraph and the begining of the third paragraph but then fall back into a long-winded example of another hero. I got what your thesis was but I think you need to go deeper than what you have. I just don't think your thesis warrants the amount of time spent on examples in your essay. You could probably just cut out the whole first and second paragraphs and the message of your essay would be unaffected.

Stay away from explaining what a hero is. That is not the point of the essay. Also do not talk about examples unless they tie in with an idea you are trying to convey. (There is no idea that ties into the main question of the essay for the example of Lincoln in paragraph two. You say why we celebrate him as a hero but not what value we get out of it.)
Gautama   
Mar 26, 2009
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood [18]

The problem is that we all have different family situations. For instance I am much closer to my father than I am to my mother. You may have had a personal experience where you had a closer relationship with your mother but that is not the case for everyone.

I really want Kirin to post his revision so we can see what he has done with the paper.
Gautama   
Mar 25, 2009
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood [18]

Admittedly, men play an increasingly key role in the raising of children in the modern day , of which there has been an increase in general awareness.

Compared with women, men are most necessary if children are to appreciate fully the roles of both sexes, seek blindly for the sense of obligation or competition and get ready for adventure ahead of them.

The above sentence sounds really strange to me. You say men are compared with women here and then you say that men are "most necessary". As if women are not necessary? I think the point is that men are necessary in their own right because if you say that men are the most necessary in comparison to women it sounds like you are saying that men are more important than women. Also, how do men help their children "seek blindly for the sense of obligation or competition"? Don't fathers try to help give their children direction and purpose in life? A parentless child would "seek blindly" but a child with parents would recieve guidance from parents seeking to avoid having their children go "blindly" through life.
Gautama   
Mar 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Short Response - to change one thing about my community [5]

Yeah, I would state exactly what you would do with that money? What is it that you would specifically improve about the library? (expanding certain selections of books, lights, new chairs, etc.)
Gautama   
Mar 23, 2009
Writing Feedback / Karl Marx vs. The Economic Hitman [7]

I always thought of the American ideal as that you reap what you sow and if you work hard enough you can become wealthy. With exploitation this is not the way the system works.(except in a limited number of cases.)

And, yes, my wording was off. Offensive realism wouldn't really be "anti-Christian" but as you said it would be certainly "un-Christian". When I think of what is "Christian" I just wonder what Jesus himself would say. The Roman Catholic Church doesn't really fit in with alot of what Jesus originally preached so I don't use them as my example for being Christian or un-Christian. I personally like to think that if Jesus were alive today he might endorse communism or socialism rather than capitalism. (Think how funny it was that during the Cold-War it was the non-religious group (soviet union) who attempted* to live Jesus's message closer than the United States (being founded with Christian morals) would ever would!) I feel like I'm going to get into trouble for that little comment but when I hear about books like The Gospel of Wealth I just can't help myself.

*of course it did not work and some of Stalin's activities would be obviously quite un-Christian.
Gautama   
Mar 23, 2009
Scholarship / What is the biggest obstacle that have had to overcome in Life? [2]

"So as I sort out the biggest obstacle I think of my biggest challenge."
--this seems a little unnecessary. Its like you are kind of just playing with semantics here--

"In addition, even while I selected my divorce as my biggest challenge, I am not sure if I would call it that."
--But you just did call it that. Its like saying, "I would say that my biggest problem is math, but I am not sure if I could say that." If you don't want to talk about the divorce because you dont think it was your biggest challenge then just don't bring it up at all.--

I attended a business school instead and received a certificate of completion six months later.

"In addition, within the same year, I was married and eighteen years later I was walking out the door."
--I see that you clarify what door you are walking out of later in this paragraph but here it just causes confusion. Try rewording this so that the reader knows you are talking about the fact that you were walking away from your marraige. (I initially thought you meant you were quitting your job or something.)--

Overall I think you have a good story here but it is unfocused. Maybe it's just me but I got the impression that you were not going to talk about your divorce because you stated that you wouldn't call it your biggest challenge. Also this seems more like a life story rather than a particular instance. Make it clear that you believe your divorce should be the main topic of this paper and why. Also narrow your time frame down so that you only talk about the immediate events that lead up to and follow that time period. Good luck!
Gautama   
Mar 21, 2009
Writing Feedback / Karl Marx vs. The Economic Hitman [7]

Ok this might actually turn out to be more interesting. Marx never directly stated that capitalism was evil but he did predict a certain progression that societies would transition through. You could argue that this progression would be evidence of social "progress" which implies that things are getting better. He does not state this directly but it could be induced.

Or you could say that a Marxist would suggest that capitalism and imperialism, specifically in the form of offensive realism, are immoral from the perspective of the American ideal (which has been influenced by christianity) because exploitation occurs which promotes a form of slavery and economic class separation. This does not promote the freedom and equality that Americans hold so dear to their hearts and makes the American dream impossible for the majority of the population. A Marxist might not view that as immoral but he/she would point out that a patriotic American would be contradicting themselves if they did not.

Talking about Perkins' realist arguments being un-American or un-Christian would then be more relevant as a Marxist would take those two forms of thought and show how they are contradictory to the philosophy of an offensive realist by using the logic of Marx himself. Perhaps that would be a truer Marxist critique?
Gautama   
Mar 21, 2009
Writing Feedback / Karl Marx vs. The Economic Hitman [7]

Hello there. My prompt is this:
Carefully read the central argument of Perkins and then choose a theory seen in Goldstein's chapter three. (my textbook) Find a theoretical critique of Perkins and explain why this theory would have a problem with the EHM argument. Your response essay should be at least 500 words long.

I chose Marxism. (just for kicks, Im not a marxist)

In his novel, Confessions of an Economic Hit Man, the author, John Perkins, paints a dark and disturbing picture of US foreign relations. It is a world where a coalition between big business and government work just as the mafia would to economically and politically beat all global opposition into submission. It is the idea of hegemonic stability that drives US corporations to drive poorer nations deep into debt so that they can be called upon later for non-monetary payments. (I.e. U.N. votes, access to oil reserves, and other such "national interests".) Perkins claims to have lived the life of an "economic hit man" by travelling to developing countries around the world under the "technical" employ of a multinational corporation. Once there, EHMs proceed as the agents of their real employers, the US corporatocracy, to help them in their quest for economic imperialism and domination. Such a quest is pursued under an offensive realist perspective through the extortion, manipulation and exploitation of smaller and less wealthy countries no matter the cost. From a Marxist perspective the actions and realist justifications of John Perkins are hugely flawed on a fundamental level. What the realist logic that Perkins uses to justify the further impoverishment and exploitation of 3rd world countries fails to take into account is the dynamics of the ruling class/lower class relationship. This is because as destabilization occurs throughout the world, the malcontent of lower class nations rises. This malcontent breeds inevitable class warfare which creates the risk of revolution, war, and the destruction of our foreign assets.

The hegemonic ideal that Perkins' realism strives for only promotes stability in the short term. In the long term it breeds resentful enemies and decadent states that later lead to global problems. The anarchy that states following an offensive realist pattern take advantage of is the very thing that causes the instability that will be the downfall of Perkin's argument. Marxists would argue that this anarchy creates a division of wealth between those nations who have the power to take such wealth and those who do not. The solution to such a situation would be a completely multilateral revolution in economic systems. Other nations would need to be completely self sufficient, stable and independently wealthy to assure the security of the assets and trades that we have with them. Hegemonic domination is simply a global tyranny with the most powerful nations being the ruling class who exploit the lower classes and spread dangerous dissatisfaction. As the corporatocratic alliance of government and big business takes over the world, smaller nations will lose their citizens' basic necessities such as food and education. This creates populations full of angry and uneducated people who will be easily manipulated and highly motivated for action. Needless to say, without education this action will most likely be violent and destructive to US interests.

Offensive realism is not only the wrong way to help the United States but it is also the wrong way to help the rest of the world as well. Perkins' argument is simply immoral from the Marxist perspective as it seeks to undermine anyone it the way of self preservation. As the historical documents of the United States profess the equality of man like no other nation its government would logically be expected to attempt the promotion of the well beings of all people equally around the world. This is an impossibility with the logic that Perkin's operates under as an EHM. Dominating and controlling other nations through military and economic bullying from this standpoint is obviously un-American and furthermore anti-Christian. (Seeing as how the United States was originally formed as a Christian nation the extent to which Jesus would be disgusted with the offensive realist strategy that the US government now pursues is definitely worth noting.) If it can be claimed that Perkins has betrayed his realist government by revealing its true nature in his book, one could just as easily claim that through realism, the conspirators comprising the current corporatocracy (for which the US government must be held accountable) have betrayed the founding fathers.

The US government should, theoretically, be working to spread American ideals. Offensive realism is not only un-Marxian but also un-American. So what is it? What ideals is this corporatocracy trying to spread? It is the old and ruthless idea of imperialism through crippling control and brutal power politics. If we were to set aside all of the amoral activities that are detailed in Perkin's novel offensive realism is still a very dangerous way to "work for US interests." Hegemony only births instability in the long run which can potentially destroy the local populations that the corporatocracy manipulates as well as the very assets that they gain from such hegemony. Everyone loses in such a system.
Gautama   
Mar 18, 2009
Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Essay Introduction Help [7]

To add to what Sean said you could look at specifically who succeeds and who fails in getting their revenge. Maybe they all succeeded on a certain level and then failed on another level. When you examine each character you can ask yourself these questions:

1. What was this character's original plot for revenge?
2. Did this plot succeed? (Maybe it succeeded but did not bring about the results the character intended.)
3. Was the character satisfied?
4. Was the character justified in wanting revenge? (Also was the severity of the revenge plot appropriate for the crimes commited against the plotter?)
5. What did the character learn from the results of his/her revenge?
6. Why did the character succeed?
7. Why did the character fail?

These all deal with character growth which should be very important in your essay. How does revenge affect character growth?
Gautama   
Mar 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Ok now I see your side, Mustafa. What Sean did (though I don't think he was really trying to challenge anyone) was irresponsible. He used a sneaky tactic by quoting someone else then agreeing with what they said. He basically did say that religion is insane which is irresponsible as a moderator.

And believe me, I do have things in my life that I would take great personal offense to where they to be called "insane" so I understand your response, I really do.

I do still stick with what I said earlier about the coarsness of your language. You say this:

"When you read what I say, make sure to read it twice, because more often than not it's easy to overlook the point that I'm trying to get across and instead focus on the manner in which I get it across. So, save yourself some unnecessary affront and make sure you understand what I'm saying for what I'm trying to say."

Mustafa, you cannot say things however you wish to say them and then just make it everyone else's problem if they find you offensive. That is a problem that you have in interpersonal communication, not everyone else. You have to take responsibility for how you talk to people(and it's not always about just flat out attacking someone. It's also about the little covert assides that are vitriolic and are meant to be combative and belittling)

You cannot say things in a hurtful or coarse way and then say: listen, just read it again and disregard all the rudeness. When I read the past debates between you and Sean I detected no hostility in Sean's comments at all as he was trying to counter your arguments. Your responses seemed to be full of comments that were designed to try to get a rise out of people. Those would be much better examples of intelligent debate if we could go back and cut out all of the unnecessary assides and hostile language.

And hey, maybe you really don't mean to be coarse. So what? You still are and need to go back and "make sure to read [your comments] twice" to be respectful to the other people who show you the same courtesy.
Gautama   
Mar 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Topic for UTSA Engineering; Three People [4]

Well you could just write three different paragraphs for the three different people you choose. This would have each paragraph stand on its own and they would not be connected to each other.

That may be to risky, however. You might want to find out what these 3 people all have in common for you. Think about what makes people into good teachers, from your experience, and how the people you picked share these characteristics. This would allow you to write an intro paragraph talking about all 3 and their "common" attributes and then the 3 body paragraphs that elaborate on each person individually.
Gautama   
Mar 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Is it just me or is Mustafa being really disrespectful and unnecessarily mean?

Seriously, you are a smart guy with interesting things to say but you have no right to personally attack the moderators of these forums.

Everything you said up until the last five lines was really interesting and of value. Then you go on a rant to attack Sean that is completely unnecessary.

"Don't alienate people with BS."
"You're welcome to tell us your opinion, but don't state it as fact. That's appealing to your authority as a writer, ok?"

----Do you want him to write "In my opinion in front of every sentence or something? This is a debate. We are all arguing our own opinions. You seem perfectly comfortable with presenting your own ideas as "facts" so don't police everybody else about it.----

"You're not in your right capacity to speak authoritatively about something that no one can claim with any dignity to be an authority on."

----This is another example of hipocrisy. If he has no right to speak authoritatively about this stuff then you don't either. (And believe me, you keep trying to speak in the most authoritative manner you can muster.) This is a DEBATE, we aren't stating our opinions as if they are facts. Otherwise there would be nothing to debate.----

"If you must belittle people's beliefs, do it on your own time, not while you have that Essayforum.com tag and people might make the mistake of believing that your nonsensical blabber is any more credible than the next idiot Sam, Sean, or Shaw."

----This is the most hypocritical comment of them all. You say not to belittle others then you go right ahead and belittle Sean's moderator status on this site, call his well written and thought out arguments "nonsensical blabber", and then indirectly call him an idiot.----

So I leave you with one question: What is your problem? If we are having a debate why can't you respect other people and respond to their arguments with logic (which I know you are capable of doing) instead of personal attacks? I think you are way out of line, my friend.
Gautama   
Mar 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

The only people I have a problem with are those who say they know that they are right. I don't believe in god but I think that atheists are just as deluded as the next guy.

Its healthy to believe in something as long as you don't take yourself to seriously because its really impossible to know about this stuff for sure. When you gain the courage to allow your beliefs to constantly be challenged (and even be scrapped for new ones all together when need be) you cease to be religious and instead become philosophical.
Gautama   
Mar 12, 2009
Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

To me, it doesn't sound like your thesis answers the prompt. You need to explain what the purpose of his fantasies are. You say he falls into his fantasy world. Why does he create this world? What is its purpose to him? Try to go deeper than just: He creates fantasies to escape from a world that he cannot fit into. If you follow that thesis the paper will just be about examples of him escaping from reality and not about WHY he chooses these delusions. Even if you do go deep enough to answer these questions later in you paper it still needs to be in your thesis statement. You should not introduce new ideas outside your thesis.

Answer these:
"Holden's imagination runs wild as he tries to find a way to fit in with ordinary people, but he goes to far and ends up falling into his own fantasy world because _______."

"Holden has trouble relating to the people around him, so he fantasizes about the possibility of escaping the phoniness of the city and going somewhere peaceful with someone he can get along with because _______."

Also all the body paragraphs need to answer different aspects of the prompt. Don't tell us things that are obviously given in the plot of the book. Body 2, for instance, just sounds like plot summary. You need to tell us WHY he fakes life-threatening physical ailments. What are his reasons for pretending that his mental problems are physical problems? Why does he believe that curing fake physical problems will help his mental conditions. Every time you answer a question ask why again. Every time you answer the next why-question you have taken your paper to a deeper level.

(I don't know, lol. Maybe I am being to harsh for the level you are at right now. These are the kind of problems my teachers try to make me push through.)
Gautama   
Mar 11, 2009
Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

To organize the first thing you should do is come up with your thesis.

What I would do if I were you is write your thesis statement then write all of the topic sentences of your body paragraphs then post those on here and we will take a look. (Remember: topic sentences are like mini thesis statements for each paragraph that operate under the main thesis of your paper. The topic sentences represent one main idea that your paragraph will talk about. For sanity's sake only include one main idea in each body paragraph.)

Now this technique is up for debate as some people like to freewrite paragraphs then find out what the main idea was after they are done. Problem is freewrites are hard to keep organized and on track unless you are a pro at improvising without going off topic. I cannot do this. I always start with a topic sentence and build from there.

So again, if you want I would first post:
1. thesis statement
2. topic sentences
Then we can go one step at a time.
Gautama   
Mar 11, 2009
Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

Thank you so much for including the whole prompt.

The first paragraph is all plot summary. You need to have your thesis here that explains what the meanings of Holden's fantasy's are. I see you kind of answer that question in the conclusion but it needs to be in the intro.

Most of this essay seems to be plot summary. Don't overuse quotes. Quotes should help prove a point that you are trying to make and for every quote you should have meaningful analysis. I see that you did try to analyze some of the quotes but it seems like when you are summarizing plot you use quotes just to prove that what you are saying actually is in the book. We believe you and don't need textual evidence for this. What we need is evidence that supports an idea that YOU came up with about the book.

The body paragraphs need to be more focused. Each body paragraph must begin with a topic sentence that connects to your thesis statement. All quotes that are included in each body paragraph must support the idea presented by it's topic sentence. One thing that I like to do is make sure that every topic sentence answers a "why" question. This generally makes the ideas more meaningful. For example:

"Several times throughout the book, Holden pretends or imagines he has a life-threatening physical ailment because_______."

It's not enough to talk about what happened in a book and all the examples for it. You must answer why these things happened.
Gautama   
Mar 10, 2009
Essays / How to start an essay on The Merchant Of Venice...? [4]

Well first you have to ask yourself: Do I think Shylock is portrayed as a victim or as a villian? The answer to that question is the first part of your thesis statement.

Second you have to ask yourself: Why do I think that and what evidence do I have to support such a claim? The answer to that question is the second part of your thesis statement.

So, a simplistic way of presenting a thesis here would be:

Shylock is portrayed as a _______ in the society he lives in because of _______, _______, and ______.

From there you can make your body paragraphs about each of the main reasons you have for thinking he is a victim or a villian and the evidence you have to support these main reasons. You will probably want to include and analyze textual evidence from the play to support specific claims that you make as well.

Show us what you have after that. Or better yet try just writing the intro paragraph (include your thesis statement and a sentence or two on the main ideas of each body paragraph as well as a strong opening hook should you deem it neccessary) and we can take a look at it.
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Essays / Pride and Prejudice Essay. Starting a research. [8]

The prompt asks "to what extent" which probably means that the essay will be about the measure of how extreme Elizabeth's actions are. If you have read the book you can probably come up with a gut reaction answer to this question. So run with it.

Do some freewrites that talk about what she does specifically and how extreme you think these actions are. Talk about how much she is willing to sacrifice and how many risks she is willing to take, etc.

Scan the freewrites and come up with what your main argument is. Condense that argument down into one sentence and there is your thesis. That should get you started. Post what you come up with and if you need help on an outline or body paragraphs you will know where to find us. :)
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Research Papers / Outline for death penalty research paper? [11]

I get my "in the moment thinking" from freewrites that I usually do beforehand. I will sometimes find a topic then come up with a hypothesis for what I think my thesis will be. Then I do freewrites to get most of my body paragraph material and to see where my random thoughts will take me. Then I make any neccessary changes to my thesis and write an outline to organize all the randomness of my freewrites. THEN I rewrite the freewrites according to my outline to make the finished paper.

I usually dont start with an outline either (rather I start with freewrites) but before I turn those freewrites into a paper I write an outline. If I dont have some kind of guidline I will go off on irrelevant tangents. God bless you guys who can get away with freewriting papers!
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Statement: Studying People my Whole Adult Life [6]

Hello. Are you going to be working towards a particular degree? If so it would be good to describe exactly what you are interested in and why. Also what will you do with this education? You say that you have been studying people for years so maybe you are talking about sociology/ psychology/ social psychology?
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Research Papers / Outline for death penalty research paper? [11]

So do you mean that if the teacher never requested an outline you would have no use at all for making one?

Isn't the point of an outline to plan out your paper before you start working so that you don't wander off track. If you, however, write the paper first then what is the use of writing an outline to help write a paper that is already written?
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Essays / Essay on 'Power of Organizations'. [6]

Hello, you could also consider researching corruption amongst these powerful organizations. If you are talking about companies you could talk about how huge companies use questionable methods to ensure financial stability.

A book I am reading now is called "Confessions of an Economic Hitman." In it the author tells about how he was an "Economic Hitman" meaning that he was an agent for a major company that would travel around and use bribery, intimidation, and extortion in order to keep minor governments and other companies around the world in the pocket of the company he was working for. It is almost like he was a CIA agent who used silent and covert manipulation to benifit his employers. Of course the company denies all of his allegations but it is still a fascinating read.

btw: Kevin, I love how of all the giant ferocious animals that you could have chosen from to describe Wal-Mart you chose a dinosaur! As if Wal-Mart is getting ready to go extinct to make room for some of those "little animals" to evolve into something better! :D
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

See I figure that if you can write a serious essay that makes use of the first person correctly and effectively you should get credit for it. If there is nothing wrong with the thing itself but only that many times it is misused then using it correctly should give you extra credit if anything, ha ha!

Very interesting Sean! There are so many games that we humans have to play in our lives that seem to have no practical purpose for really making anything more effective at all. Writing certainly has its share of games. (The use of first person in serious essays, ending sentences with a preposition, and we all talked about the many strange forms of proper citation) Although I will say that it is games like these that give languages their own sound and style that change through culture and time. So like any other game I suppose it can be fun!
Gautama   
Mar 7, 2009
Undergraduate / My racing mind filled with worries regarding my future. UCF Personal Statement (obstacle, family) [3]

I like how this blends the two topics together into one flowing narrative.

Maybe you should try to talk more about how college will mean alot to you because you only have one sentence that talks about this. I see that you have 506 words so you might have to cut some stuff out. It just depends what you think the reader will want to read about. (I'm sure they would like to hear about how cool you think their college is!)
Gautama   
Mar 7, 2009
Scholarship / The final input came from my brother-in-law, cardiologist - why did you choose this career? [8]

Arriving here, I finally felt like the choice of my own career belonged to me. Health-care was my passion and the opportunity had finally come for me to make my own decision.

---I wouldn't use the word "arrive" again so soon.---

My first job in the United States was as an Anesthesia technician at Brackenridge/Children Hospital of Austin.It was a job that gave me ample opportunity to research and observe the majority of health-care careers.

In my search for my future career I received input from every health-care professionalthat I ever met about the positive and negative aspects of their ownwork.

---Again, I wouln't use the word "career" again so soon.--- (heh, heh get it?...nvm...)

The final input came from my brother-in-law, a cardiologist, which introduced me to the field of echocardiography.

Overall good job in showing your ample work experience and story. One thing that could be just a matter of taste is that you might want to talk more about what you like about sonography specifically. You spend alot of time talking about how you got to the point where you decided to get into your chosen field but not explicitely why.

As it stands it looks like the only reason you want to go into sonography is because you wish you could understand the big words your brother was saying to you. There are big words thrown around in many scientific professions so why choose this one?

You could talk about how sonography allows you to connect with the patients more by giving them a visual that they can understand for what is happening inside them. This can be comforting as most people going to the hospital don't really understand all the technicalities of what their doctors are talking about. A picture, however, can be of great comfort and understanding for patients. (I don't know, maybe you wont be showing the patients their echo pictures but just try to come up with something more specific for why you chose this field. Good luck!)
Gautama   
Mar 7, 2009
Graduate / Need help SOP - architecture [3]

Do you have a word limit? You should talk more about the program itself and why it should be done abroad. As it stands you really only describe why you want to go to the Netherlands but not why you want to conduct the program. You could go on vacation any time for a myriad of different reasons but the reader will want something more specific. What about this program do you think makes it essential that it take place in the Netherlands? Relate all this back to the program itself and I think you could really expand on the things you have said more and make this thing a little longer. Good luck!
Gautama   
Mar 7, 2009
Writing Feedback / Ethics and Values BA Hons Social Work [3]

I'm not sure where your thesis is. The prompt asks you to address 3 things: privelage, power and difference so your thesis statement should address all of these areas.

This sentence:"Power equals regulations, procedures and laws in social care may be said to disempower people."
Seems to contradict this sentence: "Power is exercised in relationships and not in institutions or procedures."

I am a little unsure where you have made your paragraph cut-offs as you seem to have on paragraph that is just a quote and then an intro paragraph that is two sentences long.

First you will need to come up with your thesis. Make sure that it addresses all aspects of the prompt not just one. I would maybe suggest making body paragraphs based on the 3 things(privelage, power, and difference) that the prompt asks about.

The first paragraph is your introduction paragraph and should include: Your thesis statement, the main ideas for all of you body paragraphs, and a hook. A safe way I go for making my thesis worthwhile is to make sure that it answers a why question and not just a how or what question. Why questions will always send you deeper into what you are studying.

Make sure that each body paragraphs has only one main idea that is sumed up into one sentence at the begining of the paragraph (the topic sentence). Everything in that paragraph should build on, support, or elaborate on that main idea. You can use your personal experiences such as your time spent at a hostel as support for your main ideas.

So make a thesis, intro paragraph and the body paragraphs and repost them here. You can use much of what you have already written so long as you organize it correctly and stay on the topic of whatever paragraph you are in. Good luck!
Gautama   
Mar 7, 2009
Essays / Make a poor thesis and effective thesis (new voting machine) [5]

You dont need the extra "however" in the middle of the sentence. I would reverse the order of the elements of the second part of the thesis like this:

Although many people already know how to use Maryland's new voting machines, only paper applications should be used because the majority of voters are older people.

I don't know exactly if that was the meaning you were trying to get across because the second part of your thesis is confusing. Let me know what you think!

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