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Posts by android21
Joined: Feb 2, 2013
Last Post: Mar 2, 2013
Threads: 10
Posts: 56  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 66 / page 2 of 2
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android21   
Feb 17, 2013
Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

Thank you...Yea I guess ill just be a straight up mover instead of hurting admission's brains...any suggestions? you think I should just start fresh and eliminate everything I wrote..

I was trying to say i am a thinker but, I guess it does not work quite as well as I want it to....
android21   
Feb 17, 2013
Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

Ben Franklin once said, "All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move."

Which are you? (300-500 words)....YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CORRECT MY GRAMMAR BECAUSE CHANCES ARE I HAVE A LOT OF ERRORS...BUT DO YOU LIKE MY APPROACH...IS IT UNIQUE???IT SEEMS EVERYONE HAS DONE MOVE>>>I THOUGHT I COULD GIVE IMMOVABLE A LITTLE SPICE AND ALTERNATE PERSPECTIVE...do you think admission will like it. OH YEA I AM NOT DONE...

Society is divided into three classes: immovable, movable, those that move. Respectively it pertains to thought, word, and deed. While thinking one should be in an immovable state, while influenced by words one should be movable, and while gracing society with good deeds one should move. When a fetus matures the first organ to develop is the brain, then a few weeks later, the legs. Yet, many of us are inclined to use our legs before our brain. Therefore, it is not wise to move without assimilating thought into ones goals.

Honestly, I have the traits of a mover; I am always seeking experience and if I fail I get up and try again. But, as a thinker, a spectator, and a learner, I do not dare to move without understanding. Do not mistake my behavior for idleness, rather the time I take out of my life to contemplate where I want to be, and how I will execute my actions. It's the mind, it's my mind that visualizes where I want to be and what I want to achieve. It's my mind that builds my confidence and keeps me going. This is why I have supplied adequate time to my mind to adjust and build on goals....If there is one thing I learned from life it is not about how much I can do but, what I can do and do right.
android21   
Feb 12, 2013
Undergraduate / Behavirol Financial Class/ Wharton Retail Club; U PENN- HOW I'll ENGAGE ACADEMICALLY [4]

A Penn education provides a liberal arts and sciences foundation across multiple disciplines with a practical emphasis in one of four undergraduate schools: the College of Arts and Sciences, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, the School of Nursing, or the Wharton School.

Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn.
(Please answer in 300 words or less.)

Here is my INCOMPLETE AND UNREVISED essay...all I want to know is it is a good style, and I should continue... or should I be more direct and just state what i will be doing there????

"YAAAAAAAAAA," as soon as I lay eyes on The University of Pennsylvania I will stop, drop to my knees and shout, eager to get started. 100 souls veer my direction and I stand up shrugging off all the dirt and grime from my past and move forward. Oh and I see you, I see you observing this year's admits with a smile, I bestow to you the honorable Hollywood slow motion nod. Then, I make my way to my behavioral finance class, text book in one and an Arizona Sweet Tea in the other! Maybe later I will go to the Wharton Retail club orientation to introduce myself or maybe I will go to the ___________ to create the club I have been visioning at Penn. I will excel, I will fight for my academic career, and I will innovate. You see me and Penn have a thing, this is why she and I are going to be academically engaged soon. It's a mutual agreement, she gives to me and I give to her, till death do us part.

Yes, the behavioral Finance class. This is where I will baffle the minds of students and professors by debating all theories on what drives investor's decisions. Good thing I have taken a couple of psychology classes and my Macro Economics professor was keen on the social aspect of economics. This kind of passion drives me to study. To understand what these lectures mean, and how they can be applied to whatever I pursue. Darn, next semester I have financial engineering! No worries, I will attempt to understand the major concepts while I have some free time on my hands, I shall not fear. Work hard, study hard, and love the game, I don't know why it took till I was 19 to figure this simple method out.

Next stop is the Wharton Retail club. This is where I feel like I am home again, managing the family business. Maybe with my background of two years in retail I can contribute to the activities students pursue. I can provide insight to other students ranging from important marketing strategies
android21   
Feb 12, 2013
Scholarship / NHS - Values of Scholarship, Character, Leadership & Community Service [2]

your anecdote in the beginning was well constructed. good job.

Whichever message awaited me, the walk from my classroom to the principal's office was the longest walk I've ever had(took)

I decided that I'm not going

(don not use contractions in a formal essayContractions are the joining of two seperate word for example: I'm, Don't, Doesn't instead seperate the words put I am in this sentence not I'm

Thrift store which sold numerous amounts of refurbisheditems that you could find in everyday liferefurbished household items

hey, it seems like a basic essay, but it started to fall apart towards the end you need to have a stronger prose on volunteer work and academia. what did you do? what did you learn? where is your future?what are your goals? Be specific, do not just state something and move on. we need details, about you, you are the center of this essay not your school not your thrift store we need to see your personality
android21   
Feb 11, 2013
Graduate / MA in Marketing Management (UK), Letter of Motivation [7]

I see, but you need to organize it. For instance, you write about dancing and never mention it again. have a paragraph for your most important accomplishments

Paragraph 1: intro

Paragraph 2: academics: ambassador/tutor/prior school
(paragraph about this)

Para 3: hobbies: foreign Lang/dancing (pick one...if you have to)
(paragraph about this)

Para four: volunteer: Russian youth society or any other volunteering
(write a paragraph about what you did here)

Para five: why you want to transfer and what you will do (the part where you talk about modern problems of society)

the end

now revise your paper according to this format
android21   
Feb 11, 2013
Essays / Personal Essay introduction, how would you catch the readers attention? [3]

Keep it...who told you to change it!
just take of "just like everyone else" you cant assume how everyone else felt. This is about YOU not about everyone else...

Oh, you say you "learned this the hard way," I ask, what is the easy way?

happy trails...
android21   
Feb 11, 2013
Undergraduate / College Paper : Memoirs, personal narrative. [2]

Keeping my calm and taking wide but precise turns, I hesitantly made my way down ((what does this mean you , drove, skied? i mean it pretty obvious you skied or snowboarded but just clarify) the icy 34 degree double black diamond trail that my fellow brothers convinced me to do. One bad turn later, I found myself tumbling down feet after feet of icy snow with no way to stop my rolling. When he had finally got to me, he took a seat next to me in the mountain of snow that I had built up from rolling down, and made sure I was still in one piece, being the kindand protective big brother look out he'd always been. I just laughed uncontrollably because I knew how funny I looked while rolling down the hill. My mind was probably really shaken up then, but at that moment, I realized that I'd honestly created something more than just a ski getaway. This was not just a vacation, but a bonding of brothers.

Being a High School Senior has many perks. It's like leveling up in a game: gaining certain powers and special abilities that lower levels don't have. On the first day of senior year, I have to admit, I had a truly smug face because of the feeling of "power" over the underclassmen. I knew that I could slack off(((maybe not a good choice of words))) after getting into college, while Sophomores and Juniors had to prepare for the SAT's and AP's,

Planning a ski trip is no easy task, especially for a high school senior who has no experience with planning a well thought trip, but with the help of my best brotherly friend Brother , Will, we were able to plan a trip two days before the actual trip that wouldn't devour our wallets but would be still exhilarating fun.

android21   
Feb 8, 2013
Undergraduate / I did not have a proper direction; Common App 250-500 word essay. [3]

hen, due to my sexual orientation

hey you need to be direct if you are gay or bisexual, say it. I would consider everyone to have a sexual orientation, so whats yours?

That is why I am transferring after I complete my two year degree this fall

I think you may need to reconstruct this paragraph, i am left think i missed something, may state it towards end of your reason in para 2.

Great job by the way, your essay flows, and there is not to much wordiness, cliches ( i spotted a flowery one which you may want to remove, "world turned upside down," instead be direct and write what really happened, how did it make you feel? what was your reaction? how did you respond? your world turned upside down means nothing to admissions.
android21   
Feb 7, 2013
Undergraduate / "Difference is the essence"; U Washington/SeattleTransfer - Personal Statement [7]

Okay, I have to admit, I stopped reading in the first paragraph. Why?
because you have not developed a proper intro or thesis, it seems to be a list of accomplishments...
what does the actual question ask of you? just one topic not the 50 or so questions you wrote? what does the prompt ask you to write about?

we can work from there after you establish this/
thank you, and I look forward to working with you on this essay


PLS SEE BELOW
android21   
Feb 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / WHEN there IS a WILL there IS a WAY, NO matter what people say.. [3]

Wow that is quite the achievement. Unfortunately, I have no idea what you want me to do with this paragraph? what is it for? what would you like me to do, you only have a few errors.

Good job man you are truly an inspiration.

at the end close it by saying something like:
my chances were against the odds, but I made it. Where there's a will there's a way!
android21   
Feb 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / The best values and principles children should be brought up with ^^ [5]

Your essay ends rather abruptly. It was wordy and repetitive. I hear your message but lets work on clarifying it a bit by developing the content in a more organized body.

You may want to work on your thesis and conclusion.

If you need any further assistance I am at your service. ;)
android21   
Feb 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / The best values and principles children should be brought up with ^^ [5]

I will only help you if you help me, can you do that? Can please tell us readers:

1. what is the min/max word limit
2. Who will be the audience, your teacher?
3. what does the topic/question ask of you?
4. what class is this paper for? (lol, I am mildly nosy)

Although you may feel these questions are irrelevant, I want to understand what direction you need to go in before I screw things up for you...which I would VERY feel guilty about.
android21   
Feb 7, 2013
Graduate / MA in Marketing Management (UK), Letter of Motivation [7]

I do want to help you further but, tell me, how long is this supposed to be(word count range)? Who is this letter for? What does the question ask you? It seems to be a cover letter,Is this a cover letter?...If they want you to write more, so be it but, lets be real here. Most college admissions have to go through thousands of applications and they are tired. they don't want to here nonsense. They want your genuine voice, reason, and passion to show. Your letter can be very simple and well written. I have to run to the bank right now but I will help you further...

check this site regularly for my updates...
android21   
Feb 6, 2013
Graduate / MA in Marketing Management (UK), Letter of Motivation [7]

I will read this over once again to see if I understand your passion and motivation for attending the college but, for now I fixed the majority of your errors.

Best of luck on your journey!
android21   
Feb 4, 2013
Undergraduate / My imagination ; COMMON APP - Extracurricular or Work experiences [5]

My imagination as (has) not only given me the ability to think of likely (lets be more direct) solutions to any math problem, but it has also helped me think of possible solutions to the problems (challenges?) I encounter every day.

First, let me thank you for helping me choose one of my three essays...I chose none lol...I am gonna scrap it and re write it.

As for yours, its direct and does not bore admissions with a bunch of BS. Hopefully, the corrections helped clear up your message.... For what college may I ask?
android21   
Feb 4, 2013
Undergraduate / "Who's that, hunky?" ; UPenn Wharton-EXTRACURRICULAR [3]

Hello this is the common app extracurricular essay. I need help deciding which one to choose? I love business and I want to show it!!!!! I know admissions gets bored of reading so are these boring, do they show passion, are they vague, do I need to elaborate! ( it took me ten minutes for each so, don't yell at me for not having the UPenn standard of writing...I am in need of some urgent help please guide me with your brain power!!!!!!!!) thank you in advance!!! And please don't hold back if it sucks tell me so.lol

1. Choose your vice, rum and coke, a glass of merlot to compliment your dinner, or maybe some creamy Baileys to give your coffee a kick. Pay the price, walk out and indulge in bliss, or stay a little longer. Who are you? Where are you from? What hurdles have you climbed? What do you make of this fine establishment I manage? Please, dissipate my ignorance and tell me your tale. Thank you, I relieve you from my presence, go on and enjoy your life. I stand in the store alone, gazing deeply into the hole you left in my shelf. I think about your triumphs and your feedback, then I reflect on my own dreams and vision, a revolutionary business of my own. I march over to the shelf with confidence and pull the next bottle up. I turn towards the glass door, and there I see walking in, my next inspiration. "Hello, how are you," I say with anticipation.

2. "Who's that, hunky?" slurs one of my Puerto Rican customers leaving a trail of rum breath as he murders the pronunciation of my name. "Yup, it's me" I say, as I watch him stumble in. Before I even waste the last few breaths in his aging body I reach for his daily dose of 305 cigars and Bacardi Superior Rum. He takes a swig without hesitation, he is revitalized, and young once again. His hands stop shaking, he is focused, and he is ready to share dreams, laughs, and sorrows. I listen attentively and absorb all the knowledge and wisdom he has gained living life. Each minute I spend with him I become less ignorant of the world around me. We say our farewells, and he is gone. Customers like Juan are my inspiration to continue my education and to create a business like no other. I take a deep breath and release. The next customer walks in, ah it's my Russian lady friend. "Ey, kak dela" (hey, how are you?) I say with anticipation.

3.We are a business, we are professionals, and we have a boring image to uphold from the outside. Take a step into my world: Yelling, Cursing, hootin, and hollerin. Now take a step to the side, because there might be an intoxicated fellow stumbling your way. About 70% of my customers come in drunk from the night before, therefore there are situational hazardous in this line of work. I have Jeff on one side begging me to take shots with him and Flacco on the other side getting frustrated because I don't understand his strong Spanish accent. They are both loyal customers, and I like them, but I cannot have them in the store longer than 5 minutes without losing my mind. So I give them their liquid bliss, fight for their money, and send them on their way. Being surrounded by the store and the customers, makes me forget my past and move forward. I watch my customers every day, and I see the light shine onto their faces. They are my inspiration, which keeps clawing at me and telling me to do something truly amazing and enjoy it. I love the family business and the culture that goes with it. People from all over the world share their lives with me and give me a day to look forward to.
android21   
Feb 4, 2013
Essays / I have to write essay about Amarican Football and Soccer / QB vs NFL (comparison essay) [4]

hey. why don't you compare him to larger, taller QB (one that sucks), and point to the problems NFL has (i.e. 30% Image; 70% skill)...you don't have to be tall tan and handsome to be a great player.Just the other day I was watching something on the 49ers QB Kupernick and they were talking about his tattoos as being a little excessive...so is there this image that the media has for NFL players (especially QB s)...
android21   
Feb 4, 2013
Undergraduate / I swim out into the ocean often/ This is store is my home; UPENN Extracircular essays [3]

^thank you so much for you help. I will take your advice and do the second one. The second one was done in like five minutes...but the problem I am having is that there are so many tasks involved in managing the business that I can not possibly write about all of them with my word limit (approx.200). So should I write about the customers...and how they are my inspiration to start a business?
android21   
Feb 3, 2013
Undergraduate / I swim out into the ocean often/ This is store is my home; UPENN Extracircular essays [3]

Please elaborate on an extracurricular activity!

I have two which one is better: I am going to be a business major (the store is one one of the reason why i am doing business), and then I have an essay about swimming in cocoa beach(where I am from).

Which should I use please help me correct it.I think I should use the store one since it shows passion.

1.It is the simplest of actions carried out in the world's most unforgiving environment: pull right, breathe, pull left, breathe. I swim out into the ocean often. I swim till I can no longer feel the sand sift through my toes, till the tourist's laughter fades into whispers, till the water is void of light, and till the warmth of the sea escapes, leaving me stiff. This distance is ideal; I stop here and turn my back against the waves. In that moment, before the wave forces me back to humanity, I do not meditate, I do not plan, I do not ponder. Emptiness: the surge of adrenaline won't allow my brain to think; my mind has isolated my body. My body elevates: this moment is true freedom, like a man unshackled from a life sentence. "Whoosh," the giant wave comes crashing over my shoulders, robbing me of the moment and hastily dragging me back to life, dragging me back to all the memories, and all the perpetual emotions. Nevertheless,I am reinvigorated and ready to fight forward.

OR

2. 120 loyal customers walk through the pearly door of the liquor store a day. Germans, Jamaicans, Vietnamese, Canadians, New Yorkers, Gays, Buddhists, all walk through those doors to indulge in the finest bliss, liquor. In those short few minutes they have with me we share stories, laughs, sorrows, philosophies, dreams, culture, and unavoidably, prices. We may even daringly disseminate our political views and get into friendly quarrels. Whatever the talk of the day may be, one thing is for certain, by the end of the night when it's time to close up shop, I become less ignorant of the world around me. All those stupid things I worry about are forgotten and all my aspirations are revitalized. This is store is my home, my inspiration, my heaven, and my savior.

the second one ends abruptly( but i truly enjoy working there because it was my inspiration to go into business and to pursue my dream of owning a chain of stores). and it probably has some grammatical errors please help me choose
android21   
Feb 3, 2013
Graduate / Dont let " LUCK" to determine my future; UF MBA;How MBA contributes my immediate post [2]

Good job! Is UF the only MBA program your applying to, because you obviously are a very ambitious person. sky is the limit for you bud.

Only problem I say is you did not mention where you work. Its a mystery. Unless it was McDonald, then keep it out, but if it was something impressive then please put it in! also maybe be specific on career plans and aspirations:"next big opportunity arises" what next big opp do you want to see "arise"?

Awesome essay, and the luck thing was nothing short of brilliant! This essay shouts Harvard business school!!! The stuff I said above can be held to a lower degree of importance if it drastically alters the fluidity and purpose of your essay!
android21   
Feb 2, 2013
Essays / George Orwell and Brave New World by Aldous Huxley [2]

Both Orwell and Huxley wrote these books from the context of their own lives and what they saw around them. Both authors did not like what was happening in the world therefore, they wrote books about what life would be like in 40 or 50 years. They were meant to over emphasis the true nature of what was going to happen to instill fear into the common reader and to show that we needed to change the way we live life.

so look back at life during their time and see what triggered them to write the books in the first place. That's a wonderful place to start.
android21   
Feb 2, 2013
Undergraduate / Foxconn factory; UMICH- Extracurricular/Work Experience [2]

I don't know about this, its not very detailed and the whole idea of these essays is to get to know you on a personal level beyond your academic records. Puts some emotion and feeling into it, don't just describe what you did.

If you want to drop this altogether do so. If you have a hobby, swim, work, music, write about that instead...write about something your passionate about.

IF you are truly passionate about what you wrote you need to show it on a personal level.

I know you can do it!!!!!! don't be shy to ask for more help!
android21   
Feb 2, 2013
Undergraduate / DAD/ PEY Program; Chemical Eng-UToronto;INSPIRE/EXTRACURRICULAR [5]

I was introduced to engineering at an early age through of my dad, who is an electrical engineer working for OPG(what is OPG?, only use acronyms after you write out the full name ). My interest in the field flourished in the later years after I discovered my aptitude ( sounds like your boasting use a different word which conveys your interest or love for the field) towards sciences and mathematics, and that the applications of physics and chemistry can be very powerful in solving many of today's problems. I want to pursue a career that makes a difference, and being an engineer allows you first hand influences on the environmental and urban landscape.

overall great, but make sure you have a proper reason for going there instead of, "it will provide me a job."
You are a strong writer, I know you can do it!!!!!!!

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