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Posts by dynaranjani
Name: Dynar Anjani22
Joined: Dec 1, 2015
Last Post: Feb 7, 2016
Threads: 27
Posts: 24  
From: Indonesia
School: Institute technology of tenth november

Displayed posts: 51 / page 2 of 2
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dynaranjani   
Dec 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / My half in my school - information about a classmate - we are close eachother [4]

Hi Mimuska..

here I give you some correction about grammatical error

..my classmate, Radka, whom (put comma before and after Radka)

..do some funny and delight stuffs ..for example...

...peels at me.It's very funny . That is why I like her so much.

..she is hard-working student

..love which she gives to other people

..but her dress are smart and well-dressed.
I think you cannot use smart and well-dressed here, since those adjectives are used for a person.

want to be a doctors and work together. Without her, high school wouldn't be high school.
dynaranjani   
Dec 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / Global sale of fuel and electricity-based hybrid vehicles - IELTS TASK 1 [2]

The bar chart illustrates information about the global sale of fuel and electricity-based vehicles -hybrid vehicles- by taking Japan, US and other countries as the objects of observation. In which, this chart provides the information between 2006 and 2009. Overall, it can be obviously seen that US' global sale was always the highest among two other countries, except in 2009.

A closer look at the chart reveals that three preceding years witnessed US as the highest global rate with the average roughly at 300,000. However, in the last period, by having a gap by 60,000 more, Japan successfully beat US' global rate and became the highest. The development of Japan's global rate can be said that it was very surprising since it had an average at 70,000 from 2006 to 2008, but in 2009, there was an extremely sharp rise, at around 340,000 -having a difference by 245,000 with the previous year. While Japan showed an immense development, the other seems did not have a dramatical growth in its hybrid vehicles' global rate, where 2006 saw the fairly similar state with Japan, at approximately 55,000. Then, it continuously increased regularly in each year and finally reached 110,000 in 2009.



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dynaranjani   
Dec 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / Which corrupts more, power or powerlessness? [5]

Hello Marina Ibrahim

I'm so keen on your writing. It is easy to understand, the flow is beyond good and you have hit the point of the task.

But, unfortunately, I think your second introduction is meaningless as it is not relevant to your body paragraphs.
Hence, I give you an idea to begin with.

In introduction, you should start with the general issue concerning corruption engaged to power and powerlessness person, such as what people worldwide think about this issue and afterwards, you can make it narrower by giving your own opinion or the overview of your body paragraphs. Here, you also can state in what side you stand for, which is in this case, you think that both of them are corruptive, but the powerlessness is more.

With this kind of introduction, I believe that you will help the reader to figure out the message of your writing.

Thus, your first body paragraph only concentrates on detailing the reason why power is corruptive and giving some examples as well as the result of your example. It's great that you have already done it.

For the second one, you should also give the same pattern like the first, start with reason, then the example and end it by the result.

However, if you don't mind, you can make a conclusion by reinforcing your statement that you have mentioned in the introduction.

I hope that this idea will help you. Good luck
dynaranjani   
Dec 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Percentage of online shopping for retail sectors in New Zealand [2]

The pie charts give information about the percentage of online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand and are measured in 2003 and 2013. Overall, it can be seen that 2013 saw a gradual increase in the proportion of books and film/music, while others were in reverse.

A closer look at the charts reveals that not all of the articles experienced an increase. Books and film/music, for instance, in 2013, their percentage rose gradually. Where books increased by 3%, film/music had a gap by 12% more than that of in 2003. By far, the percentage of film/music in 2013 is the highest. On the other hand, there were a fell in the percentage of other retail sectors in 2013, such as travel and clothes. Travel, which was the highest online shopping of retail sector in 2003, had a proportion at 16%, showing a decrease of 8% compared to that of in 2003, whilst clothes' percentage fell by 7%.



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dynaranjani   
Dec 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / TASK 1- Online shopping sales in New Zealand enggaged in four distinct retail sectors [2]

HI Fina ..

Good writing, but there's only one grammatical error.

A closer look at the pie charts show a dramatic increase...
I think, it should be 'shows', because the subject is not the pie charts but a closer look

...books, and clothes between 2003 and 2013.
Then, in this sentence, I don't know whether you can use 'between..and..' or not since the charts only reveal the information in 2003 and 2013, not between of those years.
dynaranjani   
Dec 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK2 : The causes and solutions of criminal activity. [3]

Hello.

You have such brilliant ideas ! Well.. I notice some mistakes that are commented by Lucy.
However, I would like to give you some additions..

The awerness of humanity values are not educated by them ..
I don't know 'them' here is refer to who. Because you only mentioned 'the people do not have..' in the previous sentence and I think it doesn't make any senses if it refers to the people, since the meaning will be different. Thus, if i'm not wrong, you can change 'by' with 'to'.

Over all, it's good.
dynaranjani   
Dec 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Percentage of diverse leisure activities chosen by Australian boys and girls aging from 5 to 14 [2]

IELTS TASK 1 - Preferred leisure activities of Australian children

The given bar chart shows information about the percentage of diverse leisure activities chosen by Australian boys and girls with the interval age from 5 to 14 years old. Overall, despite of their similarity, it seems that some challenging activities are dominated by boys while girls prefer doing an activity relating with art and craft.

Apparently, Australian children have a same interest in order to spend their time as about 100% of both sexes choose watching TV or videos as their most favorite activity. Then, electronic or computer games become the second most preferable activity with the proportion of 80% boys and 60% girls. Surprisingly, at fairly similar percentage, roughly 58%, girls prefer riding bike as well as doing art and craft activity when they have leisure time. While three-quarters boys confirm that they are happier to ride a bike, only the lowest proportion of them, at approximately 38%, who choose art and craft activity as their favorite. Having a gap around 15% lower than boys, girls enjoy skateboarding or rollerblading, although, 38% boys actually prefer to do it during their spare-time.



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dynaranjani   
Dec 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Process of changing sea water to drinking water [NEW]

The diagram presents the making process of drinking water from sea using conventional tools. Although the process takes a long time as it relies on the sunlight, it can be obviously seen that it is an extremely simple and cheapest way to make drinkable water.

The equipment consists of roughly a meter of clear dome-shaped plastic, a floating rim, which has been hollowed before, a rubber tube and a drinking water collector. First, the hollowed floating rim is placed on the surface of the sea and ensures that the sun exposes it. In the above this rim, there is the plastic that is tightly bound with it. Then, the rubber tube is set in the bottom corner of the plastic. This tube is actually the connector between drinking water collector and the plastic.

The process begins when sea water goes inside plastic through the hollowed rim. After the puddle can be seen in this rim, the sun evaporates it and change the water into condenses. The much time passes, the more condenses will be formed in the plastic surface. Then, this water condenses flows into the rim and enters to the rubber tube. As a result, there will be lots of water in the collector and eventually, drinking water is ready to be served.



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dynaranjani   
Dec 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - Renewable energy is difficult to replace the fossil fuels [2]

Hello Meli !

You have such a good ability in writing. I enjoy it really well, the flow is easy to understand and the ideas are incredibly brilliant.

Unfortunately, I marked some small mistakes concerning grammar.

Recently the world is facing has faced the energy crisis...

With a well-developed technology exists existing several countries have...

Good luck !
dynaranjani   
Dec 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Fairmont Island Travel - attractive and boring places (IELTS) [2]

The two distinct pie charts illustrate the most common benefits and backwards of Fairmont Island based on a survey of tourists and are measured in percentage. Overall, it can be obviously seen that most of the visitors consider high cost of living as the highest disadvantage. However, they also think that its locals become the predominantly reason why Fairmont Island is truly attractive.

To begin, about 40% travelers agree that Fairmont Island inhabitants are the most impressive feature that this island has. The other plus point offered in this place is its scenery, in which almost two-fifths tourists, only has a gap by 3% lower than the first feature, choose it as the second most incredible benefit. Then, with the fairly similar percentage -12% and 11% respectively- visitors prefer the good accommodation and the culture as the other advantages which are obtained by visiting Fairmont.

However, virtually visitors feel that the cost of living there is extremely high, therefore roughly 45% visitors categorized it as the most common problems that they have to deal with if they go to Fairmont. While less than a third of the total tourists claim that they do not really enjoy the entertainment, the weather is what 20% of traveler thought to dislike about. The last, roughly one in twenty visitors say that the drawback actually lay on the quality of food.



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