Writing Feedback / Comparison Essay--Rushdie and Doctorow [7]

Greetings!

I think you've done an excellent job! I have just a few suggestions:

... these writers focus on secular humanism. Nevertheless, Rushdie's and Doctorow's dissimilar style of writing affects readers differently.

Through Rushdie's critical style of writing, "Imagine There's No Heaven" is considered more stirring. [is considered by whom? It might be better to leave out "considered."]

Rushdie uses increasing human's intelligence as a defense for his exclamation to be known that all religion is "simply wrong." - I'm not clear on what "increasing human's intelligence means; it should be humans', though.

Rushdie blames religion for many problems that society faces

On the contrary, the readers are enraged and feel that they have been insulted. - You can't speak for all readers. Some might not feel that way.

Essentially, Rushdie is telling the reader that religion prohibits a person from thinking for himself and his community.

Thus, he infuriates the readers, who have practiced their religion for many years. - Again, you are expressing your own views as if they are held by everyone. You could say "he risks infuriating readers..."

Clearly, Doctorow makes evident that Americans abusively use religion to justify their actions or defenses. Through Doctorow's logical argument, he is able to sway the readers and make them understand why we are infidels. - Better might be "he makes a persuasive argument that..."

Just be careful about making sweeping statements that purport to represent the opinions of everyone. Other than that, great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Sicko" - movie review to correct [3]

Greetings!

Your essay is well-written and very informative! I'm not sure how deep your instructor wanted you to go, as far as critiquing the film itself -- things like cinematography, editing, music, etc. -- but if the content and your reaction to it is the most important part, I think you've done an excellent job. :-)

Here are a few suggestions for editing:

I still sympathize with the unfortunate people who were turned down by their health insurance.

[delete The] Americans should learn to be more like the French, Cubans, and Canadians, because they care for one another. Profits should not be America's first priority when the lives of many people are at risk.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Process analysis of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe [7]

Greetings!

I think your essay has shaped up very nicely! I have just a few editing suggestions, most of which involve placement of commas:

In the novel, "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe," by C.S. Lewis, the story

And Lucy felt running through her that deep shiver of gladness which you only get if you are being solemn and still [delete period]" (117) gives an organic imagery to the readers.

An example of a visual imagery sentence in the novel is,

The novel begins with four siblings, Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy, who move in with the Professor

nothing in it but a single wardrobe which, unknown to the children, is an enchanted wardrobe

Lucy, the youngest, [delete "of the children"] is the first of the children to enter into the wardrobe and discover the world of Narnia, where she meets the first fairytale creature

the traditional fairytale creatures such as animals that can talk, ["talking animals" might be better]

return Narnia to the land it should be as many times the good do conquer over the evil. - It might sound better to say "as, many times, good does conquer over evil."

Many fairytales do not have a definite ending; they have opportunity for the fairytale to continue, and that is how this novel ends--with room to grow.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Sicko" - movie review to correct [3]

Greetings!

You've got a lot of good information in your essay. I am wondering, though, whether it really meets the criteria of a movie review. What you have done, basically, is to summarize the content of the movie. The only reference you make to the movie as a movie is in the first sentence. Was the assignment to summarize what the movie was about, or to critique the movie itself as a piece of filmmaking? If it was truly supposed to be a movie review, you might want to take a more critical look at how Michael Moore approached the subject; was it objective? accurate? overly dramatic? right on target? These are things to think about.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Choose a day in your life which did not start off well [2]

Greetings!

What an interesting story! I have made some corrections for you:

The day in my life which did not start off well, but then something positive happened was on a Sunday. I awoke early that day and went to church. I didn't have a job, and the balance on my bank account was less than ten dollars. I was like someone you can call a shoddier. [what is a shoddier?] But, I knew because God was in my life, everything was achievable. After church was over, I drove back home. When I got home, I ate some left-over food that I had cooked the day before, and went to sleep briefly. As I lay there, I was thinking about how I was going to pay for my lease. Unexpectedly, I heard a bang at the door. In my mind, I was wondering who it might be. I knew for a fact it wasn't one of my acquaintances or relatives, because they habitually call me before approaching my house. When I opened the door, I saw a gentleman standing there. He wore a suit, and he was holding a flat, flexible case for carrying papers or books. He looked like someone whose profession is to conduct lawsuits for clients.[you could just say "he looked like a lawyer."]

His first question was, "Do you recognize who I am?" I couldn't answer him, because I was clueless. As we were chatting, he started telling me about our past. For example, he told me about a day, back in middle school, when he didn't have lunch money, and I gave him three dollars to purchase lunch. He moved to Chicago right after middle school. He is now a successful lawyer. He gave me some advice, and he also inspired me with hope. Before he departed, he gave me a sachet. It had a thousand dollars inside. I was blessed. That late afternoon everything changed. In conclusion, I have learned to offer assistance or support to individuals in need.

You might want to go into a little more detail about his advice and how he inspired you with hope. It would add to the story.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Summary/Analysis of Lucy from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe [8]

Greetings!

You've been working hard, and it shows! I have just a few editing suggestions:

has several key moments that influence the story an immense deal. - say "immensely" or "a great deal" but not "an immense deal."

The adventures begin when all of children are exploring the house

Lucy insists that her siblings help her rescue Mr. Tumnus from the White Witch.

possibly the most likely of the children to believe in a fantasy world.

Lucy's strong motivation to help rescue her friend, Mr. Tumnus, is what leads the children to the great adventure they have in Narnia.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Summary/Analysis of Lucy from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe [8]

Greetings!

I think you are doing very well. I did find this sentence a little confusing:

She never gives up on the fact she knew about her visiting Narnia and meeting the faun.

Try re-writing that with a bit more detail so that someone who has not read the book can understand better what you are saying. Also, it is unclear who "her" refers to in this sentence.

Your last paragraph should be at least three sentences. If you can't find any more to add as a conclusion about Lucy, you might want to put that last sentence into the previous paragraph.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah

Writing Feedback / proofread 1st part of another comparison essay--meaning of nothing [4]

Greetings!

I think you've done a great job! I know that transitions can be difficult. Sometimes they are needed to remind the reader of something that came previously; other times, they are simply a segue into the next train of thought. Sometimes just inverting a sentence can help. You've got some good ones. Here are some suggestions:

In O'Connor's story, Hulga's experience with a physical disability and poor health are factors in her definition of "nothing." - Reminds the reader who Helga is.

Both of these characters are trying constantly to rise above the nothingness in their lives. [end of prev. paragraph.]
[next para.]:
Helga's definition of "nothing" is presented through her narrow perception of life. (The two paragraphs are more closely linked by having "nothingness" and "nothing" closer together.)

Typo: The old waiter establishes the idea of being stripped away and having nada because of his long years of experience.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Thesis help: Education better or worse? [7]

Greetings!

I see you've been working hard! Good job! Whether a shorter paper will be acceptable to your instructor depends on him or her. However, I would expect that normally, if the assignment was for 750 words, 475 would not be a passing grade. You might want to delve a little deeper into some of the disadvantages of computers and the internet and the potential problems, and present some ways that these problems can be overcome.

Be sure to run your paper through a spell-checker; I found quite a few spelling errors and I may have missed some. :-)

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Summary/Analysis of Lucy from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe [8]

Greetings!

I think you have a good start to your essay! I can give you some editing tips.

I question your use of "I believe" in your essay. Usually, it is best not to personalize or refer to yourself when writing a formal essay. Unless your instructor has specifically told you to put in your personal opinion, it might be a good idea to leave it out.

Be sure not to change tenses. If you are writing in present tense, you want to say "Lucy realizes that this means the White Witch knows..."

She looks in it she climbs in out of pure curiosity. This curiosity of Lucy's is what leads her to discovering Narnia. - Better would be "She looks into the wardrobe and climbs in out of pure curiosity. Lucy's curiosity leads her to discover Narnia."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Process analysis of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe [7]

That's great! Glad I could help!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / Thesis help: Education better or worse? [7]

Greetings!

The thing that strikes me as the most important distinction between the education of the two generations is the advent of computers, and particularly, the internet. The internet has opened up the world in a way that has never been possible before. How about something like this:

Today's generation of student's has access to more information at their fingertips than could ever have been conceived of before the invention of personal computers and the internet. Although all schools are still not created equal, virtually all allow students some access to the internet, providing them with a far greater potential for learning a wide variety of information in a short period of time. For this reason, the education of today has the potential to be superior to that of previous generations; it is up to educators to make sure it lives up to its potential.

Or, if you prefer, you could argue that it is not living up to its potential because too many schools do not have the money for enough computers. There are many ways you could approach it.

I hope this gives you some ideas!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / proofread 1st part of another comparison essay--meaning of nothing [4]

Greetings!

You might find comparing the two easier if you brought some of the observations about the second story in earlier. It is not necessary to finish talking about the first one before moving on to the second. You spend a lot of time on Hulga and quite a bit less on the Hemingway story. The comparison might work better if you could make a point about one story then immediately contrast it with something similar--or opposite--in the other story.

For example, "Hulga does not have anything to look forward in her life. Her leg and weak heart exclude her from the workforce as well as society." In the same way, the older waiter says "You have youth, confidence, and a job...I have never had confidence and I am not young" showing that he, too, has nothing to look forward to in life.

The comparison and contrast would be more effective if there were more direct relating between the two stories.

Also:
The younger waiter with a wife comments on the deaf's man lonesome. - This sentence doesn't make sense; I think you mean "loneliness" instead of "lonesome."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / Eligibility, financial need background, community involvement - Scholarship Essay; Graphic Designer [10]

Greetings!

I think you are doing very well with your grammar. Your essay shows you to be someone who will be a dedicated student who will most likely go on to do good things. Universities like students who will be a credit to the school once they graduate. Your volunteering and teaching experience gives you extra credibility. I think you're in good shape!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Hurrying up for a plane' - University of Florida - College [6]

Greetings!

Sometimes improving your essay and making things clearer is just a matter of providing a little more detail and breaking up a long sentence into shorter ones. For example:

"Class, this is Alejandro and he will be joining our class for this last month of the school year." The teacher had to yell to make herself heard over the noisy students. I stood next to her, embarrassed to be put on display and puzzled because I had no idea what she was saying.

I think your addition to the last paragraph is a good one, but I'd make a slight change: "As for my friend, you were right when you imagined we became best friends, but now we can express our thoughts in both English and Spanish." - otherwise, it sounds a little bit as if you are sharing your thoughts psychically, rather than verbally. :-))

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Hurrying up for a plane' - University of Florida - College [6]

Greetings!

I think you've written a wonderful essay! You write better than many American students! :-)

I have just a few editing suggestions:

"Class, this is Alejandro and he will be joining our class for this last month of the school year," the teacher yelled as I stood next to her puzzled and embarrassed. - This is a bit confusing. Why would the teacher be yelling? Would "announced loudly" work? Also, it is not clear why you are puzzled. Is it because you did not understand the English she was speaking?

For a few hours, I sat quietly in my chair without saying a word, reflecting on [delete "my already missed"] memories of my school in Venezuela, which I already missed. Eventually, another student named Luis approached me. Of course, I was expecting him to say something in English, but, to my amazement, he spoke to me in Spanish. Without hesitation, I responded to him and we quickly became close friends.

I am reminded every day by my habits and actions

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / Eligibility, financial need background, community involvement - Scholarship Essay; Graphic Designer [10]

Greetings!

I made a few changes, including taking out one sentence and adding another. It can be tricky trying to "toot your own horn" while at the same time possessing a certain degree of humility. I think you do very well in your second language. See what you think of my changes:

I should be considered for this scholarship because although the Air Force provides benefits like the Spouse Tuition Assistant, it is still not enough to pay for my degree. I am a responsible and hardworking person who also enjoys volunteer work.

Scholarship / Eligibility, financial need background, community involvement - Scholarship Essay; Graphic Designer [10]

Greetings!

I'll be happy to give you some help with editing:

I was not conformed with the options I had in my home country , therefore, I decided to set my goals in the United States. - The syntax is not quite the way a native English speaker would say it. Better would be "I was not happy with the options available in my home country, so I decided to pursue my goals in the United States.

Communication studies, which will prepare me for many jobs in my area of interest

I think perhaps you should go into a bit more detail regarding your "leadership and community involvement." Your last paragraph should give more detail about what your leadership skills are and how you acquired them, and more about your job at the school would be good, too. If you need to cut down some of what you have already to make room for the additional details, I would suggest removing some of this paragraph:

"My husband(boyfriend at the time), was starting his bachelor's in Electric Engineering when he offered a future with him. He said if he could find a job that could sustain us both, and I would be able to study, would I marry him. I said yes, he joined the *** and we moved to ***."

You could easily edit that down to "my future husband offered to support me while I went back to school."

Probably the most important thing to remember about writing a scholarship essay is to answer the question presented as accurately, and with as much relevant detail, as possible.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / proofread 1st part of another comparison essay--meaning of nothing [4]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some editing suggestions:

Flannery O' Connor and Ernest Hemingway explore the meaning of nothing.

Her mother does not praise her for her achievement.

Her leg and weak heart exclude her from the workforce as well as society.

By becoming an atheist, she is believing in nothing. Connor says, "She didn't realize he had taken her glasses but this landscape would not seem exceptional to her for she seldom paid attention to her surroundings" (112). - It seems to me that you need some sort of transition between these two sentences; the second sentence, about Helga's unawareness of her surroundings, is a different thing from her believing in nothing. It might be better to do it this way:

By becoming an atheist, she is believing in nothing. Hulga's unawareness of her surroundings is another way for her to be not part of anything. Connor says, "She didn't realize he had taken her glasses but this landscape would not seem exceptional to her for she seldom paid attention to her surroundings"

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay about a humorous language problem [5]

Greetings!

If the prompt is To be successful language learner acquire a thick skin and be able to laugh at themselves because most certainly they will make many cultural and linguistic errors I have to wonder if you copied it correctly, because it isn't quite proper English grammar. However, I do understand the message, and can identify with it very well! I think most people get embarrassed when they make mistakes, especially when they lead to misunderstandings.

What the prompt is suggesting is that these mistakes are bound to happen, so you might as well accept that and just learn to laugh at them. I know when I chat with my friends in French, I say the wrong thing or misinterpret on a regular basis, and it can be quite funny! For instance, I was quite confused when my friend typed "je souris." I read it as "I mouse." Why was he calling himself a mouse??--it turns out that French uses the same word for smile, and he was just saying, "I'm smiling"!

See if you can think of something similar that has happened to you or a friend. You can write about that and then about how not taking yourself too seriously when you make mistakes can really help you learn a foreign language better. If you're afraid to make mistakes, you'll be constantly editing yourself and never learn--practice makes perfect!

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay about a humorous language problem [5]

Greetings!

Many of us remember the rather politically-incorrect joke from childhood about the shy man with the wooden eye, who goes to a dance. He finally gets up the courage to ask a girl to dance; no one else will dance with her because she has a harelip. The young man approaches the girl and shyly asks, "Would you dance with me?" The girl, thrilled that she's finally going to get to dance, exclaims, "Would I?! Would I?!" to which the young man, thinking he was being insulted, retorts, "Harelip! Harelip!"

Homonyms can cause quite a lot of confusion! Whether it's "would I" being mistaken for "wood eye" or some other pair of sound-alikes, the potential for humor is there. If English is a second language to you, you have probably encountered difficulties with homonyms many times. It might help you to make a list of homonyms, to see if you recall having problems with them. For instance, bread and bred; berry and bury; bored and board; cereal and serial (perhaps a story about confusion over why anyone would worry about a "cereal killer"?); and then there is the really confusing pair of opposite homonyms, "raise" (to lift up) and "raze" (to tear down)!!

I hope this helps give you some ideas! Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Comparison essay - the consequences of Hulga's disillusionment [4]

Greetings!

I think you've done a good job of clarifying what you meant by the witch meeting. However, I'm still a little unclear about the connection between his discovery regarding Faith and Goody and his dream. Was his epiphany caused by something he actually witnessed them doing, or by his dream? Were they actually tempted, or did he dream it?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Comparison essay - the consequences of Hulga's disillusionment [4]

Greetings!

I think you've done a good job of explaining the protagonsts' disillisionment. :-) Here are a few editing tips:

In the short stories "Young Goodman Brown" and "Good Country People,"

Ph.D.

Clearly, her confidence in her educational background inflicts others in a condescending manner. - "inflicts" is not quite right here; better would be "causes her to treat others in a condescending manner."

This continued belief that she is superior displays her naiveté.

Goodman Brown's confidence in his wife's goodness leads him to compare her to an angel.

As also shown in his acknowledgement of Goody Cloyse as "a very pious and exemplary dame, who had taught his catechism in youth" (83). - this is a sentence fragment. You could say "Also shown is his acknowledgement.."

she is misled by [delete "the"] Pointer's geniality and innocence.

a pack of cards with obscene pictures,

her confidence prohibited her from completely evaluating her acquaintance's motives.

Because of the wild dream of witch meeting, - I'm not sure what this means. You might need to be a bit more specific.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Untitled Explanatory/Informative Essay (Due 6/25) what do you think?? [2]

Greetings!

You've written a great essay, full of useful information! I'll just give you some editing tips:

Could there be something that these future Monty Hall's or Donald Trump's can teach us that will help us become master's in the fine art of negotiation? - Remember that, when making a word plural, you don't need an apostrophe: Monty Halls or Donald Trumps.

we have been told that it is selfish to ask for things for ourselves.

Most American women, however, would find it only acceptable at garage sales, thrift stores and during a private party transaction? - This is a statement, not question, so use a period at the end.

the large national retail chains are even less likely to consider negotiating the price of their merchandise, but that doesn't mean they won't play "Let's Make a Deal." - In American English, the period (or comma) always goes inside the quotation mark. It may seem counter-intuitive sometimes, but unless you're using British English, that's the way it is!

This particular woman will probably find the other party strongly resistant to giving her anything she is proposing [delete semicolon] because [delete comma] they have been annoyed and aggravated by a bad first impression.

Women need to "manage" the impressions they create if we don't want to become disheartened by the negotiating process. - You're switching tenses here: "they create" is third person; "we don't want" is first person plural. Pick one and stick with it throughout the essay.

Remind yourself that the more options you've considered, [add comma] the better your negotiating position will be when it's time to walk or buy.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Thesis Help: History of race in the South of America [7]

Greetings!

That's a broad topic, but an interesting one! I tried my hand at a theses. See if you think it would work for you:

The history of the South cannot be discussed without reference to race relations. From an agricultural economy dependant on slave labor for its success, to an industrialized economy rife with racial tension, the South has been defined by, and transformed by, its views on racial issues.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Mini Love Essay (characters in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe) [7]

Greetings!

I have gone through the whole essay to correct punctuation, spelling and grammar:

In the novel The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, by C.S. Lewis, there are four siblings, Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy. I believe Susan shows more types of love than anyone else does. Susan, who is the second oldest, shows many variations of love, not only to her siblings, but also to many of the other characters in the novel. She shows a child-like love towards Aslan, the lion, a motherly love to her siblings, and a kind of sympathetic love for other characters in the story.

Susan has the motherly love for her younger siblings, which sometimes bothers her younger brother, Edmund. When I speak of motherly love, I am talking about how she worries about her siblings' well-being and reminds them it is time to go to bed in the beginning of the novel. She shows loving concern for Lucy when Lucy tells of her first adventure into Narnia and worries that something is wrong with her. Then when Edmund wanders off from the group Susan is the one that insists on going after him even though he was going against the group; in my view, that demonstrates great love.

When it comes to Aslan, the lion, and the Professor she shows the kind of love a child has for an adult, similar to that for a mother or father figure. [this next part is run-on and doesn't really make sense; I'm not sure what you meant to say, here: believe that they have immense goodness.] She suffers a great loss when Aslan is killed, demonstrating her love for him, and then exhibits emotions of excitement when Aslan comes back to life. She also shows love for the Professor, whom she calls "that old sweet dear man." [check to see if you left out some commas in that quote; it really should be "that old, sweet, dear man."]

Towards the end of the novel, before the children go back through the wardrobe, leaving Narnia behind, [rather than saying "Susan is called" it's better to say who is calling her that, for instance, "the others begin to call her"] Susan the Gentle. I think she is called this for the way she worries about every creature's well-being and all of the different kinds of love she illustrates towards others. There are many forms of love and Susan's character displays most of them in the novel.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / To rack their brains to find our answers; Anthropology essay [2]

Greetings, Frederic!

Another excellent essay! I have just a few editing pointers:

Nevertheless, since statistically speaking, that genetic similitude is so noticeable that the chances of dissimilarities in the responses to an experiment might not be very singular. - This is a sentence fragment; take out "since" and it won't be.

and a head that all have [delete "the"] quite similar uses and functions.

Those points prove useful that types of experimentations. - I'm not sure, but I think what you meant was "Those points prove those types of experimentation to be useful."

morality may hinder anyone from conducting medical experimentations on nonhuman primates

one ignores that nonhuman primate proto-cultures do not amalgamate the four essential characteristics of human culture.

Besides, that learning must be active, [add comma] namely, [add comma] transmitted extragenetically and through symbols.

Consequently, researchers, philosophers, environmental activists, animal defenders, and simple citizens all have their say in this matter

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Search to procreate overweighs the pressure over food sources; Physical Anthropology essay [2]

Greetings, Frederic!

As is your habit, you have written an informative and educational essay! I always learn not only about the subject matter from you, but also several new words in English (valorize and congeners, this time). :-)

Here are a few editing suggestions:

advantageous characteristics accumulate in a population because natural selection sects [did you mean to say "selects"?] for those traits.

offspring help tighten social bonds

beneficial traits he had inherited from his parents through their genes.

The female, in addition to meeting the same requirements to survive

She has had to be fit enough to be fertile and to exhibit her sexual receptiveness; [substitute semicolon for comma] for example, [add comma] female chimpanzees must have her genital area clearly swollen and brightly colored.

a kind of deference from lower-level individuals who leave them in peace for some time

if a male mates with a female and the latter mates with another male,

Moreover, most primates favor the reproductive [you need a noun here..."strategy"?] known as K-selected.

In the particular case of the bonobos, a female who is in charge of her own baby can also care for babies from other females.

Homo Sapiens and the individuals settle their differences in courtrooms, [add comma] thanks to attorneys. [an interesting point!]

Super! Good job!

Merci,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Visual Essay; Need advice on images, quotations, maps etc. [2]

Greetings!

Visual essays can be a lot of fun! :-) They allow you to use photographs, maps, charts, and other visual media to create and develop your essay. You want to be sure to choose a topic that can be represented easily in visual form, if your instructor has given you some leeway on the subject matter. When you discuss your topic, the visual aspects of the essay will enrich your words, and vice versa. Be sure not to just write captions for the photos; let the words and pictures work together to create the essay.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Essay for Admission (Masters in Leadership) [2]

Greetings!

It can be difficult to get started on something like this. Talking about yourself can be harder than you'd think! The easiest way, I believe, is to start by making a list--or in your case, two lists. Start with your career goals; everything you can think of that you'd like to accomplish in your professional life. Then do the same with your life experiences. Once you have them listed and can see them in black and white, it should be easier to start expanding your thoughts into essay form.

Once you have a draft, I'd be happy to help you with editing!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Process analysis of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe [7]

Greetings!

This novel includes all of the creatures heard in different stories during many different storytelling heard by children around the world. - I'm afraid this sentence really doesn't make sense to me.

where she meets the first creature to come into the story [delete "telling"].

As the story moves forward, the traditional storytelling creatures such as, animals that can talk, dwarfs, centaurs, giants, fauns, and unicorns are gradually added, some of the creatures are good and some are evil. - This is a run-on sentence. Put a period after "added." Also, I think you mean "fairytale creatures" rather than "storytelling creatures." Storytelling is not often used as an adjective, which you do quite a bit. I think in the last sentence, "storybook" would be a better choice.

The only question I have is with your last sentence: Many fairytales do not have a defiant ending and that is how this novel ends. I think perhaps you meant "a definite ending" rather than a "defiant" one. :-)

Your hard work has paid off!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Keep working, it's coming along well!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / My law assignment?? I dont understand [2]

Greetings!

I'll give you my analysis based on what I know of general principles of law, but I do suggest you try to confirm my results by referencing your textbook, or other sources you use in class.

1) John and Merry had a contract. John proposed a renegotiation of the contract to Merry, and she accepted. By writing the note saying John had paid in full, Merry discharged John's debt and he was not obligated to pay the additional $1,000.

2) Merry has no right to demand payment from John one month earlier than the contract calls for; if John wants to pay her $4,000 earlier than agreed, he can, but that does not necessarily mean he is not obligated to pay the other $1,000. It depends upon what his agreement with Merry was at the time he paid the $4,000. If they did not agree that John no longer had to pay the other $1,000 if he paid early, then he is still obligated for that amount.

For the second fact situation, the principle you are looking for is called the "mail-box rule" in the U.S. I see that you are not in the U.S., so the name may be different for you; look for "post-box rule" or "effective upon posting" or something to that effect. The rule is that Tom's acceptance of the offer is effective as soon as he mails it, unless Carla's offer specified that his acceptance must come in some other form (email, fax, etc.) So, it looks like Tom has a cause of action against Carla for breach of contract.

Remember when answering these types of questions that the most important thing is usually your analysis (the law says this... therefore, because such and such happened, the result should be...). Even if you arrive at the wrong answer, you may be able to get extra points if your analysis (the reason why you arrived at your answer) is good. This depends on your instructor, of course, but it is often true.

Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / my action research project [4]

Greetings!

I know how stressful a big project like this cane be! You've done a lot of good work; the main problem I see is with grammar and, occasionally, sentence construction. One thing you do repeatedly is to not use a plural when you need one. If you are talking about more than one teacher, for instance, you need to say "teachers." Then, make sure your verb matches your plural subject and is in the correct tense: "teachers are inexperienced."

I've made some corrections for you:

The researcher developed a statement problem demonstrating the lack of an existing program and the need for a new a plan of corrective action. From the problem statement, a literature review was conducted that identified appropriate programs that exist for school # 17. Some are costly, and in a few cases, the social culture of the school might be a problem for implementing the plan.

The research plan involved analyzed survey results of opinion-based data derived from one research population--the staff of the school that participated in the survey questionnaire.

The survey questionnaire indicates that not only are the teachers inexperienced in a lot of the bullying issues facing students today, but more importantly, they welcome a new approach for handling the bullying issues facing their school.

The researcher researched numerous anti-bullying benchmark models that were appropriate for the social climate of this particular school. A comparable program was found. It is hope that if the plan of corrective action is accepted , and then later implemented, this will lead to additional programs which would help school #17 work towards keeping their current bullying problems under control for the foreseeable future.

"With schools spending so much time addressing behavioral issues, there seem to

be this hopeless attitude as well concerning the educational future they are going to

provided their students. There are so many children in the community that could benefit

from someone spending time with them." - This opening is a little weak. Any time you say something "seems to be" you are not making a very strong case. Better might be "Although schools are spending time and money addressing behavioral issues among students, the results have thus far been less than encourageing. Educators are concerned about the educational future they are able to provide their students. Many students do not have a supportive home environment and would benefit from having a mentor to spend extra time with them on both school work and interpersonal social issues, such as bullying."

Be sure to go through your paper carefully, to catch mistakes such as The importance of this action research has been to present in depth in the previous [not "pervious"] sections of [delete "this"] chapter 1.

Children feel good about themselves [not "them self"] when they see that someone cares for them.

I'm afraid there's a limit to how much editing I can do for you on this free site, but I hope this is enough to help! Just remember: if you've done the best you can possibly do, you've done enough!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Mini Love Essay (characters in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe) [7]

Greetings!

I think you're doing a good job with this. The only part I think needs work is your last sentence. I'm guessing that's not meant to be the conclusion--that you will be writing more? Don't say "During the end..." Better would be "By the end of the novel" or "Towards the end.." Go on to explain why Susan has earned that nickname.

Stay with it, you're doing well!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / The world will get more riddled with war - scholarship essay [6]

Greetings!

You make a good point. When there is a word limit, you have to be sure to make every word count. My feeling is that because the instructions explicitly state: "Either agree or disagree with this statement" you should begin with the statement and then state your position on it. "Catchy" may not or may not be helpful with this one.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / I am a person with clear goals; MEDICAL SCHOLARSHIP [2]

Greetings!

Great essay! I have just a few suggestions:

but my dad told me fascinating stories about the man I can call my hero,

all I could do was to carefully listen to how my grandfather passed

he decided he didn't want to be operated on.

my parents felt that I had more opportunities for reaching my professional goals; they saw in my eyes I was determined

going to a gross anatomy lab and seeing a corpse

On other occasions

"you are not going to have a life".

friends' comments that were simply worries about my uncertain future.

some people develop parts in their brain that enable them to have special qualities and abilities.

Also, my medicine is going to reach every part of the world. Not only will it be available in the United States,

the costs are rising for our family.

it is very difficult for my family to keep up with these expenses.

Neither I nor my family thinks that dreams should be stopped because of financial problems, because passion and goals are what make us survive any hardships. This scholarship will greatly relieve our financial burden, because I am the first daughter entering college and it will help me fulfill my goal of going to medical school and becoming a doctor.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO DO with MY EDUCATION! [3]

Greetings!

I think you've written a great essay! I'll just provide a little editing help:

Since I was little, all I wanted in life was to accumulate great wealth, so that I could give it to the people that needed it most. Growing up in a country like Colombia, with serious internal conflict, kept me from thinking selfishly respecting my future goals. I saw the consequences of that way of thinking through the corrupt actions of politicians, the horrible massacres of wealthy landowners, and the struggle for power through oppression. I decided that my vocation was to help others, especially the people that were directly affected by Colombia's situation.

Then in the year 2003, I had my own tribulation when my family moved from Bogota to the city of Houston. It was not only a moral loss [I think you mean emotional loss] of leaving my beloved country and friends, but it was a new beginning for me and my professional future. After only two years of being here in the United States, I was able to graduate with high honors in the top 15% of my class. I got accepted to A&M University where I wanted to study Biomedical Science. Through my years in High School I developed a strong passion for science and my senior year, after taking courses such as AP biology and Anatomy, I made the decision to become a cardiologist. With my education, I desire to help others by saving lives, making new medicines, and reaching the people that most desperately need medical attention.

In twenty years, I see myself in the operating room performing a heart transplant and doing what I like to do: helping others. It is my commitment of becoming a cardiologist that makes me think that one person can influence many lives, and that science combined with compassion and love, can reach to places that the human mind would never have thought of.

Some of the changes are subtle, so read carefully! I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Process analysis of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe [7]

Greetings!

I am having a little trouble following your analysis. I haven't read the book, so I can't really address the question of the storytelling's purpose, but I think you might be better off if you write in a more linear progression. The sentence about the Bible, for example, seems out of place. The transition from your first to your second sentence seems rather abrupt. Be sure to provide enough detail so that someone who has not read the book can follow the story logically.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / structure of a process paper? [4]

Greetings!

A process essay will tell the reader how to do something, or explain how something is done. Therefore, pick a topic that describes a process with which you are familiar. You can't explain how to bake a loaf of bread if you've never done it! :-)

Think about your interests, hobbies, etc. Do you play the guitar? You could describe how to play chords; do you build model airplanes? know how to grill a great steak? download music online without acquiring too much spyware or breaking any laws? ;-))

I'd suggest making a list of things you know how to do reasonably well, then decide which one would be easiest to describe in a process essay. I'd be glad to help you with editing, once you get started.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Bass guitar - compare/contrast [2]

Greetings!

There are a couple of ways (or more) to spice up writing that comes across as dry. One is with humor, a personal favorite technique of mine. For instance, if I were writing about [my one laughable experience] playing bass, I might say that it would help to have fingers the size of bratwursts to play the thick strings!

Another technique is to plump up your writing with metaphors and similes (the bratwurst reference is metaphorical). Descriptive prose doesn't have to be confined to romantic poetry! See if you can work in some metaphorical language, and I think you'll find it humidifies your writing a bit! ;-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com