Writing Feedback / Social Work Theory, Skills and Methods Assignment [6]

I see that, above, we gave you advice on how to write the essay but never saw the essay. Obviously, we can't comment on that essay without seeing it.

Now I see that you have a new question about which you must write. And, again, we've not got enough information to be helpful. We don't know which social work processes have been addressed during the module nor what you have learned about them. You've got to give us something to work with here.

Writing Feedback / Correct and rate my essay essay. Its on laws being rigid or flexible [5]

Laws shape the country [omit comma] and the economy .

Writing Feedback / "Running away"; "I'm sorry for all that is happening, but..." - rate my essay [7]

What did your teacher say? It reads more like a short story than an essay to me. And, again, I found it confusing. I suspect that some of that was deliberate. Perhaps you wanted the reader to be intrigued or perhaps you wanted the reader to feel some of the confusion felt by the protagonist. But, at some point, you've got to clarity what's going on.

Writing Feedback / Essay (On) Love [7]


Right. You have said many interesting things, some phrased very nicely. But the essay as a whole lacks coherence and structure. It's more like a rambling journal entry than an essay.

You ask if there are any gaps in the structure. I see no structure at all.

(By the way, a clue to yourself that something like this might be happening is when you find yourself writing, "moving on," as a transitional phrase.)

What are your main points? How do they fit together? Figure that out, and then you will know what to keep, what to cut, what to move, and what you will need to write to tie it all together.

Writing Feedback / Ielts essay: living and studying overseas [6]



As you say, it is slight and lacking evidence. Your writing has improved, though. You're making progress.


If you perhaps gave a link to the graph you a describing, we could critique your description.

Writing Feedback / "Actions speak louder than words" (do you agree or disagree with the statement) [8]

What's the purpose of this essay? An English proficiency test? If so, better do what you clearly know how to do: Write complete, grammatically correct sentences. Now is not the time to try for fancy structures or to use sentence fragments for emphasis. Say that you have to say in grammatically correct sentences.


Why is it ironic that some people talk a lot?


This functions as a fragment, because of the "but."


Huh? That must be where Ashton got lost.

Diligence is better than laziness, intelligence better than foolishness, honesty better than dishonesty;every body acknowledges these facts .

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]

If you want your essay to be more vivid, use action verbs. Here is how several paragraphs start:

However, my anticipation and passion were...
The school was...
Team practices were...
It only became...

Also change, "Substantial amount of difficulties accosted me" to, simply, "Difficulties accosted me."

Undergraduate / World I come from essay prompt, how's the idea? [4]

I have grown up in two vastly different worlds: San Leandro, a graffiti-covered, diverse, and increasingly violent city; and Moraga, a six (or so) stoplight, upper class, and educated small town.


"Bubbly" is something one says about somebody else; it sounds strange (to me) as a self-descriptor. How about energetic? Upbeat? Similarly, I question "inspired." Not really sure what you mean by that.


Start your new paragraph with this. Also, replace the comma after "journalist" with a semi-colon.

Break the stream of fragmented descriptions into paragraphs. Be sure to start a new paragraph when you shift back into writing complete sentences.

You know, of course, that you run a risk in devoting so much of your essay to fragmented description. I think it works, but you must be sure to structurally set it off so that there's no question that this is purposeful.

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]


That is wonderful to hear. But it's "essays" not "essay's"!

Undergraduate / "My older brother David" - Help with UCF entrance essay [11]


No, but you do need to spell it correctly.

Writing Feedback / Ielts essay: living and studying overseas [6]


It's fine to do in writing.


If you start a sentence with "one," stick with "one" (and its variations).

Therefore, one who has studied and lived overseas will be more eligible for the job than one's peers who have not had such experiences .

Graduate / Master of Finance - Statement of Intent Essay; 'Paul approached me...' [10]

The narrative that begins this piece starts strong but then begins to drag. You need to move through that more concisely.

"Quality of life" is always singular, even when talking about people in the plural.


The question is not your ability to plan the ultimate goal -- that's almost always clear -- but, rather the ability to plan all of the steps leading to that goal.

Writing Feedback / The benefits of technology versus the costs [11]

What your teacher is saying is that you are asserting facts not in evidence or, perhaps, confusing causation.

You seem to be saying that modernization and industrialization prepare the way for technology to develop. Most people consider modernization and industrialization to be the results of technology. Of course, you could argue that the modernization and industrialization that have resulted from previous technology create a perfect atmosphere for the further development of technology, but that is not exactly what you said.

My sense is that you wrote out one of those introductory sentences that doesn't really say anything just as a way to get yourself going on the essay. But your teacher is right: That sentence is very weak.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Global events [7]

"Nuclear" is an adjective. "Money crisis" ought to be "monetary crisis."

Sometimes people do use a noun as a modifier before "crisis," as in "hunger crisis" or "population" crisis, but this is only done if there is not a suitable adjective form of the word. Because "economic" exists, "economy crisis" would be a grammatical error. Similarly, we say "environmental crisis," not "environment crisis."

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Global events [7]


Economic crisis. "Economy" is a noun. "Economic" is an adjective.

Writing Feedback / "Running away"; "I'm sorry for all that is happening, but..." - rate my essay [7]

This is vivid but confusing to me. For what purpose did you write it?

Dissertations / I need suggestions for phd topics in software engineering [18]


Or, at least, have a vague idea or a list of possible topics for which feedback in choosing among might be helpful.

Undergraduate / UC Admissions Essays (my personal virtues; why Cornell) - LF some critiques/insight/help [8]

My own rule, in conversation, is that if I hear myself saying "frankly," to stop immediately because I am surely about to say something phrased unkindly.

Writing Feedback / The intellectual benefits of attending a university - advice my second GRE issue [17]

In the United States, public schools are funded by local property taxes, not federal or even state taxes. Hence, schools in one neighborhood may have computers in every classroom while schools just around the corner have an insufficient number of torn-up twenty-year-old textbooks. Accordingly, scores on standardized tests correlate most strongly with parental income than with any other variable, including race. Also accordingly, more affluent students go to better schools: Their public schools are better and they can go to private schools if they choose. Poor and working class students are out of luck.

If we are talking about U.S. public schools in general, we can't just skim the scores from the best-funded ones and compare those. We have to look at them all or at a representative sample, including the wretchedly under-funded schools in both urban and rural poor and working class areas.

My experience, as someone who has taught first-year students at both a top-tier state university and a university primarily serving students from low-income neighborhoods, is that students from lower income areas are much less well prepared for college. But -- and this is key -- even the students coming from good schools seem to me woefully ignorant of history.

Another factor: Local funding = local control. That's how local school boards in several areas have gutted biology and other science courses due to fears that their children will be taught evolution. Thus it is possible to go to a quite well funded high school and learn next to nothing about biology.

Undergraduate / University studies and my career [5]

What Sean is saying, in his inimitable way, is that using ALL CAPS is offensive. Online social norms code all caps as "shouting."

We can help you with your essay, but you have to start it first. We don't know why you want to study computer science or what your goals might be.

Writing Feedback / The benefits of technology versus the costs [11]


I think you've not understood our critiques. The question you were to address was not "What are some benefits of technology?" but, rather, "Do the benefits of technology always outweigh the costs?" This required you to not only list but assess both benefits and costs.

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]


There are an awful lot of reasons couples divorce. Unless conflict rooted in divergent backgrounds was among the chief reasons for the divorce (in which case you should say so), this isn't relevant.

You may, just for yourself, want to do a little reading on race. There's a quite nice anthology called Half and Half: Writers on Growing Up Biracial and Bicultural edited by Claudine C. O'Hearn. I think you would both enjoy and be educated by the stories therein.

As for this essay, it's awfully simplistic. The question of whether groups should "stick with their own kind" is stuck in the sixties. At Michigan, they've moved well beyond that. It's assumed both that overall diversity is beneficial and sometimes people from non-dominant groups want to be only with each other.

I'd like to see you start this essay from scratch. As you did in another essay, share a bit about your own struggles with being biracial and bicultural. Then express excitement (if you feel it) about going to a campus where you will meet lots of different people who are themselves mixed in different ways. Afro-Asian! Algerian and Irish! Japanese and Jewish! Plus, you'll have fellow students who are not biracial or bicultural, but are from very different backgrounds than you. Students from other countries! Students from cities and small towns and rural regions very different from where you grew up! Are you excited by the prospect of being in such a multicultural environment or will you, as you put it here, simply approach it with "an open mind" as if there were something to be skeptical about? If you're excited, show it!

Graduate / Krannert and the Purdue - SOP for Phd in Finance [7]


Why? Why not just say what you are saying without a prefacing phrase? The fact that college life in the United States is different than in China is self-evident and widely known. Why introduce the statement as if you were saying something that is usually not admitted?

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Being creative rather than planning. [16]

Right: Susceptible. Look it up.

Undergraduate / "My life full of wonderful events" - UF Admissions Essay [9]


One person can't "stream." Also, the sentence is in past tense, so it should be "had" not "have"

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]


I hear what you're saying and your suggestion is not bad. I'm not as troubled as you are by the organization of that section. It's narration, and colorful enough that the reader will move through it quickly and onto the next paragraph.

Undergraduate / "My older brother David" - Help with UCF entrance essay [11]


Yes, absolutely. Then you won't have to worry about massaging the essay to make it fit the other topic.

Writing Feedback / Illegal Aliens and Their Quest to Stay in the United States [3]

Your professor's comments are on the mark. You start out sounding like you will be arguing on behalf of undocumented workers and then suddenly shift gears and start talking about a criminal who happened to be an undocumented immigrant. After that, you offer another case example that seems to contradict what you said earlier about jobs. Because you don't cite sources or give statistics, it's impossible to tell if this one example is illustrative of a general trend or an exceptional case. You state your position clearly in the conclusion but the essay itself has been so incoherent that this comes as something of a surprise.

So, which is it? Are todays undocumented workers, like the immigrants of the past who built this country, worthy of rights and the opportunity to do what other immigrants to these shores have done? Or are undocumented workers criminal menaces who steal jobs from people who have some sort of birthright to them? While you may have mixed feelings about this, your assignment is to convince us one way or another, using logic, facts, and appeals to emotion in judicious proportion. You may, of course, choose a more moderate view than the two I've stated, e.g., arguing that immigrants who have worked for some years, paid taxes, and not gotten in trouble with the law ought to be given the chance to stay while at the same time efforts are made to stop the flow of new immigrants. But, whatever view you choose, you must state it clearly and make sure that all of your arguments are consistent with it. And, of course, you must cite your sources, be as specific as you can when talking about numbers, and make sure that case examples really are relevant.

Undergraduate / UC Admissions Essays (my personal virtues; why Cornell) - LF some critiques/insight/help [8]

Your writing is very engaging. Do cut your sentences into more manageable chunks and do prune them of any excess words or phrases. Your essays, especially the second, will be even more engaging if your sentences are more direct. Finally, for the second time tonight, I discourage the use of the word "frankly," which (ironically) always sounds false.

Essays / "College dropout rates" - I'm having trouble with my introducion. [6]

OK, so it's not a researched paper, but you still need to make sure your arguments make logical sense. So, you can only list reasons for the uptick in dropout rates that have themselves changed in recent years. These include the economy (going down) and tuition costs (going up). The economy going down could lead to increased drop-outs for two reasons: (a) students needing to work more hours to help support themselves and/or their families; and (b) students less able to afford tuition. Tuition costs going up compound that second reason. For an introduction, you could start by saying that times like this are when people most need a college education and, ironically, when people are most likely to drop out of school.

Graduate / Krannert and the Purdue - SOP for Phd in Finance [7]

Overall content is strong, but I'm not thrilled with your conclusion. The tone is fine for finance, though you should avoid the phrase "frankly speaking" unless you are about to say something most people don't dare to say (and even then it sounds trite.)

This doesn't make sense:
"...my long-term goal-engaging in a research position and devoting to an education career"

Do you mean to say that you want to teach and do research? If so, say so directly.

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]

Don't you dare take Liebe's suggestion and cut the dogs and crippled Barbies. They are the most charming aspect of the essay and will surely stay in the reader's mind.

Speaking of which:

"...so that they could add a few more Barbies to the crippled group"

Liebe suggests cutting out some of the fireweed details. I agree, except that I think you should keep the part about using discarded or outdated materials, as fashion faculty will like that.

Liebe's other suggestions are sound. This is a strong and vivid essay. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]

I don't see the revision. If you've written a revision, post it as a new reply rather than amending your original post. You can save space and scrolling time by replacing the essay text in your original post with "SEE BELOW"

Dissertations / I need suggestions for phd topics in software engineering [18]

Hmm... this is the second request we've gotten for PhD topics specifically in that field. Odd. Have a look at our answers to others who have written such broad requests for PhD topics:

Essays / How a computer science degree from the UNIVERSITY OF PEOPLE induce my career growth? [4]

Be sure to say where in Africa you are from and what you will do with your degree.

Writing Feedback / The intellectual benefits of attending a university - advice my second GRE issue [17]

In the United States, math and physics go by the wayside. Most adults have only the dimmest conception of history. And, if the intellectual level of debate surrounding Presidential campaigns (e.g.,"Why isn't he wearing a flag pin?!") is any guide, our public schools aren't doing a very good job of teaching critical thinking either.

Writing Feedback / The intellectual benefits of attending a university - advice my second GRE issue [17]

One way to develop your critical thinking skills is to read widely and, um, critically. Keep a journal in which you log your thoughts about what you read. (Make it a blog, and you will get even more stimulation from responding to comments.) You will find that, in forcing yourself to put your thoughts on paper (or in type), you will uncover any gaps or weaknesses in your thinking.

Essays / "College dropout rates" - I'm having trouble with my introducion. [6]

We need to know the type and purpose of this essay/paper. Is this a researched paper, in which you will cite actual information to support your views? Or will you be allowed to simply spout off opinions regardless of whether they are supported by facts? This matters. If this is to be a researched paper, then you need to do some research before writing your introduction. I suspect you will find that the combination of the economic downturn and tuition increases is to blame.


That's always been true, and thus cannot explain a change in the most recent five years.


Ditto.


Ditto, unless you can prove that college life has somehow become more time consuming. Have professors begun to give more assignments? Have graduation requirements changed?

Book Reports / O'connor, "Good Country People" - fixing my Thesis statement [6]


Hah! I didn't notice that. Good point.

Poetry / "the bureaucratic mechanism" poem Review [5]

I didn't claim that poems can't deal with abstract philosophical concepts directly, just that this poem begins by grounding ideas in experience and then drifts away from that grounding. In my view, the less grounded sections are, in this case (not necessarily universally) weaker.