Writing Feedback / "Our desire to conform is greater than our respect for objective facts." - Essay [15]

Eric, are you still in High School? I thought you were way older than that, so it was weird to read you talking about AP English.

Sean, your comment made me think of the reverse of the phenomenon at question -- about the urgency. Smoking hurts later but serves a purpose now, and the other side of that idea is that I never get around to starting a business, because it is never urgent -- even though perhaps I really want to do it!

So, let that be a lesson to us, ha ha. We should attend to the harm that is not urgent and the aspirations that are not urgent.

Book Reports / Given this topic: the play 'Pygmalion', what do you think I am to write about? [14]

Yes, if you add an additional dimension to the thesis, it adds definition to the whole paper. Great discussion in this thread, interesting insights!

Research Papers / Driving alternatives in Hampton Roads: Proposal Essay review [3]

As with any large city area that undergoes a process of growth, the Hampton Roads Area is (say something about what is happening rather than saying that it is "right up there with them"). As This area hosts the largest naval base and supports many other services; the population is influenced by many to include the government.

The Hampton Roads Area constantly grows and changes, so growth is also necessary in the system for managing traffic.

I like this sentence a lot!------->Taking some plans that are already available and using them with a little twist will dramatically change many lives.

SairaTasartir, it is already in the form of 5 paragraphs, but I agree that this could stand to be better organized. It is hard to see where each paragraph break is, only because of the way they appear here in the posts...

About the organization, it REALLY helps a lot to state the main idea of each paragraph in the topic sentence (first sentence of the paragraph)!

Undergraduate / My Father as a source of inspiration and enlightenment to me [13]

From my place I am thankful for every lesson he taught me, especially those lessons that I was going to need later in my life.

I thought of that revision for the first sentence of the last paragraph. Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / Aboriginal Rights in the Twentieth Century-My term essay for History [7]

Great question! Fluidity comes from having a central theme for the whole essay, and then having a mini theme for each paragraph. If you don't know what the main idea of a paragraph is, it probably isn't fluid. If you do know what the main idea is, capture that main idea in the topic sentence (the first sentence of each paragraph).

When you start by saying this,
After the end of the Second World War, ...
... it gets you off to a halting start.

Then you continued with this general statement:
...most Canadians enjoyed prosperity and happiness,

especially those people native to Canada.

That starts my thought process in a weird way; I wonder why you are writing about the years after the war, Canadians vs native Canadians... You continue to explain, and I discover that the you are explaining the change that took place for the aboriginals. It makes me think, "Hey, she could have said all this in a single sentence."

So, looking at your essay makes me think of 3 ideas for improving fluidity:

1. Say as much as possible in as few words as possible (like orange juice from Concentrate)
2. Capture the essence of each paragraph in its topic sentence.
3. Write with rhythm, like a rapper.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Our desire to conform is greater than our respect for objective facts." - Essay [15]

Awesome, I hope it works out well for you. I think that "Respect for objective facts" is like a way of saying "determination not to use self-deception."

Research Papers / Thesis statement: "Why Are Company CEOs getting Higher Bonuses?" [13]

You need to research the facts of these bonuses. Some ...

...and a good portion of their bonus money was wrapped...

Michael, his essay is not necessarily about AIG. Above, I was just giving an example of a thesis statement he might use!

Grammar, Usage / Memorising beautiful phrases to learn English [7]

Poems can be dangerous to use, because they use nonstandard English -- poetic license can confuse ESL students.

that is just something I thought of last year when I was trying to learn Spanish...

Poetry / Monologue intro on a love poem - a girl leaving a guy because he treated her bad. [9]

What do you mean by "separation of powers"?

I invested a part of myself in a system that served me well for some time. It consisted of me and my beloved. Now that the system has come apart, I know that I am better off, but that does not change the fact that a part of my self is now missing.

By the way, Braja, you have a cool name!!!

Essays / ILC Challenge & Change in Society HSB4M-A EXAM [16]

Only fun when you are good at it! For some kids, the sessions are not fun, because they feel like they cannot do what the others can do. Interestingly, though, it gets EASIER when the student takes on that positive attitude reflected in your post, and then they learn to really like it. The first step is to take on an attitude of settling into the JOY of academic exploration.

... and you even have expert teachers as your guides! Too bad we so often think of school as work and of teachers as people in our way.

Writing Feedback / Archimedes; "Eureka!" essay [10]

I wrote, "Born in..." that was going to be my thesis of how he lived and what he accomplished.

I'm not sure what you mean... the thesis is supposed to be the main idea of the essay, and the main idea should be something more than a simple assertion that he accomplished great things. If you give your own slant on the meaning of his life, you can make the essay unique among essays!

Looking at your new draft, I think you should not bother about that Archimedes principle in the first paragraph. the first para should have that GREAT attention-grabbing opening, for sure, but then end the first para after giving your own slant, your own theme. End the first para before getting into all the info. Use the first para as the foundation of it all. Make your assertion about him. Then, in the body paragraphs, you can show off by not only presenting the info but by presenting it in a way that supports your assertion.

You can be very creative with your assertion that you use to give your essay flavor.

Undergraduate / Summer Calculus and it's Interdisciplinary Role [3]

In April of 2007 , when I applied for Columbia's Summer High School Program, I remember writing about my fascination with calculus as it relates to other disciplines. Now, years later, Today, I still feel compelled to make that my focus as I continue my academic process. stand by that assessment of the academics.

Maybe like that?

Right after that sentence, give an example of how you will move closer to that goal by using SPECIFIC resources that are at their school. Show how your clear plan requires you to be accepted into their program.

See, this part is too general: As a student who seeks to study evolutionary genetics, I cannot help but see how there is so much to understand about biology, chemistry, ... almost every other discipline out there.

I think you should put this in a word doc and use the Enter key over and over to divide it into a list of sentences. Chop the weak ones, and put the remainder into a good, strong sequence. Then, add an attention grabber at the start, a brilliant piece of introspection at the end, and shape it back into an essay of three paragraphs.

Good luck!! Also, please go give a few other members your reaction to their essays. :)

Writing Feedback / "Our desire to conform is greater than our respect for objective facts." - Essay [15]


With this example, you are confusing respect for objective fact with respect for rules. This quote implies that we are willing to use self-deception.

So, a better example would be to say that... Statistics show that driving after drinking increases your chances of getting squished in a car accident, but people do it anyway in order to conform to what their friends are all doing.

Another example: Cigarettes are made of carcinogens, but people smoke them anyway as they conform to what others are doing. If you were the only person in the world who smoked, you would probably quit. On the other hand, if all your friends were jumping off a particular bridge, you just might do it.

I thought of another example: Many kids sign up to be in the Army, even though it might lead to being shot at -- with bullets! They all do it together, but you rarely see one kid playing Russian Roulette alone!

Anyway, you write very, very well. I just think you should write about SELF-DECEPTION. I am noticing something similar to what Sean is talking about.

Research Papers / Thesis statement: "Why Are Company CEOs getting Higher Bonuses?" [13]

I looked at Dhwan's profile and it says he is in the U.S., so I assume this assignment was inspired by the recent AIG controversy. Dhwan, you are supposed to write a persuasive essay, so the focus should not be a question of "why." The focus should be an assertion. You can ask why CEOs get huge bonuses when the company needed to get government bail-out money... but after that rhetorical question, you should make an assertion

Read about AIG to get started. Then assert:

If the CEOs are supposed to be good leaders, they have to set a good example. They should not accept huge bonuses when employees are not getting paid enough, because employees will feel unappreciated.

Writing Feedback / "The Masque of the Red Death" by Edgar Allan Poe Research Paper [3]

This is high-quality stuff. You write very well, so you can now go up to the next level by refining it even further with little, nit-picking things like this:

The specific order of the seven chambers is very interesting, because the first blue-coloured room begins in the east. The blue-coloured chamber...

Above, I put hyphens in blue-colored, and I separated the two halves of the compound sentence with a comma. To be clear, though, the use of commas involves some rules that involve matters of personal taste...

It would be a shame for such a good writer not to read a tiny book called the Elements of Style, which we mention a lot in this forum.

Please check out the EF Contributor Page (link at the bottom of the screen).

Essays / Select a developmental or psychological theory/perspective; how to structure it? [4]

If I remember correctly, a big part of it is the building of a strong attachment to serve as a strong base. A strong attachment enables children to also be strong in their exploration. If this or similarly profound insights are involved in what you are writing about, it would be good to use if as a driving force for your essay. So, in addition to the structure provided by Sean, you might want to take a meaningful concept and use it as the "theme" for your project.

Essays / Analytical Essay -- methods [5]

...any help will be very appreciated .

Hi, this is tough! Tyler is right; we need more info!

However, if you are writing about people's research articles, it is common to have to identify their "research method." What are the articles about? If they discuss research experiments, interviews, and so forth, you need to learn about "research methods" by googling it.

Give us more information about those essays and the class! :)

Writing Feedback / "Bad Boss" Essay - selfish, hypocritical, harassing, malice, poor communicator. [3]

Use " " marks to show the term you are discussing:

Defining a "bad boss" is difficult, as everyone has their own...

People do not like to be restricted by rules that apply to them and not to others.

This is pretty good; I like how you break up the two words, because that makes a definition for "bad boss" emerge from the notion of what a "boss" is supposed to accomplish. I think you should focus more on the idea that a "bad" boss is one that does not successfully fulfill her/his function as a boss.

This whole essay might be better if you replace the word "boss" with the word leader. Then you can even cite famous articles, like, Goleman's "What Makes a Leader?" of Prentice's "Understanding Leadership."

Essays / ILC Challenge & Change in Society HSB4M-A EXAM [16]

This is such an interesting blend of topics! I would recommend a sorting exercise:

Get all the class material, and print it out.
Print out these lists above.
Sort all your readings according to the item/question that they go with.

Also, this is the kind oftest you can practically complete ahead of time. Make sure you have something to say about each item, and commit them to memory. Enjoy this stuff while you are in school!; you'll miss it someday! A positive attitude makes it easier, a lot easier.

Research Papers / Essay on No drinking on the beach in San Diego [11]

I don't know anything about that ban in San Diego, but I know that such things are usually responses to calamities that have been caused by the thing being banned. Did somebody get drunk and drown or something? Anyway, the advice here is great -- especially Sean's recommendation to look at articles that make this same argument and the ones that argue to the contrary.

In general, it would be good if the life guards did not have to divide their attention among lots of drunk people while trying to keep everyone safe. It would also be good if families could think of the beach as a place where they can bring their kids without having alcohol in the environment.

But then again, it would also be nice if people could drink where they want to. Perhaps it would be best to make a drinking area and a non-drinking area on the beach. That would be a diplomatic solution...

Writing Feedback / My attitude towards writers is mostly positive. Writers have creative and imaginary minds. [9]

I feel that writers have a creative and imaginary minds. You can make a big improvement by using the numbers rule;writers/minds.

Does your word processor have a spell check? That can quickly fix the misspelled words.

I think that each writer has their own uniqueness that makes them different towards others/ stands out.

Everyone has their own way of thinking and using their brainwhich makes things exciting.

Writing Feedback / Persuasive essay (Lithium based batteries>Nickel based batteries) [33]

Hi Kyle, the contributors are able to send private messages, but as of now I think members don't have the private message function ordinarily. Please check out the EF Contributor page!(link at the bottom of the screen) I'm glad you had a good experience here.

Research Papers / Budget - Problem and solution research paper [8]

Yes, I would recommend focusing on the book. Friedman is great, and globalization really is fascinating.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose "An Award for Drawing" [25]

Life was not easy during my undergraduate studies ; I was diagnosed with...

I guess I think that would be better, more specific.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose "An Award for Drawing" [25]

...my years in school, when drawing was my pastime.

Life was not easy then; I was diagnosed with a disease called fibromyalgia. I suffered through that difficult phase where I had to leave my studies for the treatment.

Grammar, Usage / Memorising beautiful phrases to learn English [7]

I think it is probably good to start a collection of sentences can be versatile. Versatile sentences can be used in many ways. so, you wrote this:

I try to read more and more essays about IELTS topics, and I try to memorize some nice sentences and phrases to using in real test.

You can use that beautiful sentence for anything. For example, about friends:

I try to meet more and more people in order to have fun on the weekend, and I try to create nice experiences that we can share and remember.

Or about working:

I try to make more and more money in summertime of each year, and I try to do it while working fewer and fewer hours.

That is how you can CONSTRUCT great understanding even though you start with only one sentence.

Read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now in your native language, and then read it in English. that is my most important advice! :)

Writing Feedback / Machine Learning versus Learning by Humans [51]

Your welcome! I have had similar problems with similar people!

Graduate / Statement of Purpose "An Award for Drawing" [25]

This is good:

...leave my studies for the treatment, but my struggle, patience, and determination paid...

I like the paragraph about your reasons for wanting to attend! It's great. I think you should move this sentence to the beginning so that you do not start right off with 3D World Magazine:

I am excited about the fact that NCCA has close working relationships with leading games and film industries. 3D World Magazine has...

Writing Feedback / Archimedes; "Eureka!" essay [10]

How long will this be when it is finished? For the intro paragraph, I think you should add another sentence after this:

...now called the Archimedes' Principle. (add a sentence that tells something about what will be said in the essay.)

Then start the next paragraph:
Archimedes' Principle explains something important about...(finish the topic sentence for para #2) Different densities of material of...

Let the first paragraph introduce the esay as a whole, and then in para #2 you can start to give the explanation.

Research Papers / Budget - Problem and solution research paper [8]

Is that a book by Friedman? If this is all about globalization, they probably want you to come up with ideas based on networking with people in other places. I keep having funny ideas when I think about it, like, the solution is to outsource the school's office personnel to people in developing countries who will work for less money! Or, you could convert the whole school to online programs and offshore the entire faculty to China.

But if they want a serious solution, it is going to be tough! It probably should be focused strongly on the book by Friedman, right? Is the book central to the assignment? If so, read that book and take notes while thinking of the school's budget cuts as the problem to be solved.

Indeed, if they are open to a creative approach, you may be able to do a great project by suggesting that the faculty be outsourced to another country.

Writing Feedback / Machine Learning versus Learning by Humans [51]


I don't think the objection comes from any logical reasoning. People seem much smarter and more ambitious than they are. A school's philosophy department is staffed by people with their own ideas, and, just like the philosophers sitting around a campfire, they are likely to forego your meaningful idea in favor of their own average ideas. Why? Because good ideas are not what we want! We all want to express ourselves.

Research Papers / Gradute Studies Final Research Project Question [16]

The research design is the big obstacle for people trying to complete their dissertations. People are enthusiastic about the subject, because it is something that they chose out of interest, but the methodology (design) is a whole subject that needs to be learned.

In an above post, I wrote about the "mixed method", which includes quantitative analysis (of numbers) and also qualitative analysis (of what people say). Now that you are talking about long term strategic planning by youth, though, I think it might be better to use a case study design. Are you planning on working with a particular group? If so, the group is the case that you study. If you are going to compare outcomes for a group of youths to outcomes fro a group of business professionals, you will be comparing two cases. I think you should look at some text books about research methods (You probably have some already if you are involved with this project).

Check out Case Study Research: Design and Methods by Yin (2002)

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing: email and text messaging threats written language [6]

Here is one idea:

...they may be factors that contribute to the diminishment of the importance of written language.

However, email and cell phones have helped to overcome these obstacles. above .

...as a result, leads to the diminishment of quality in written language.

I see what the others mean about the way you seem to support both sides. However, it is clear that you are saying that the popularity is what causes new communication technology to threaten the quality of language. I think the real problem is an underdeveloped first paragraph. That first paragraph needs one or two more sentences. Here is an idea to improve clarity:

I am in favor of that agree with the idea that new forms of communication can diminish the quality of language, because of their advantages and the fact we can see today about the use of these new means rush through the communication process without spending the necessary time to use language beautifully.

Writing Feedback / Essay on Traditional meal in Christmas Day [6]

Christmas Day is a time when tradition and the other customs must be prepared and completed.
This automatically means that my mother will have a lot of work to do because she is the only one in the house who knows to cook like a professional.

Since the male part of the family (father, brother, and I) have to go in the morning into the forest to pick up a young oak tree, called "badnjak", mother is left to do cooking part by herself or maybe with assistance of little sister.

The traditional meal for Christmas Day is "sarma". Preparing this meal is not easy or quick .
For that reason, mother wakes up early in the morning so she can set up all the ingredients for the sarma.
To prepare sarma, she has to make good mix of vegetables (rice , onion, etc) with minced meat (pork or beef) including salt, pepper and different local herbs.

The burning of the badnjak is done while praying to God so that the coming year may bring much love, and food.

Later, than mother begins to roll mixed food into large pickled cabbage leaves.
When she completes that, she puts sarma in the large clay pots so she can cook it.

While sarma is boiling, mother takes a couple pieces of gammon (smoked ham) which will give a nice smell to the meal.

Finally, when the sarma is ready , every member of the family take a seat around the big table and then mother puts the large pot filled out with sarma in the middle of table so evry member can reach it.

I don't know what I would do if one day I marry foreign girl who doesn't know what sarma is.

Here are a few grammatical fixes, and I like the way you ended this, but don't worry, I just found recipes for sarma online, including a youtube video on how to prepare it! It sounds great!

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Reply letter to __ college for not being able to accept the admission offer. [5]

I don't like the word unwantingly. I think you can do something better, like this:

Despite my high hopes , I had to turn down the offer from (name of college) because after a careful analysis, I found out that I would not be able to afford my education at this college.

What are you trying to achieve by sending this letter? Do you hope that more aid will be provided? I am interested in learning more about your intentions. The best way to write th letter depends on your intended purpose. What outcome do you hope to achieve?

Grammar, Usage / How to use quotation marks at the end of a sentence. [14]

No, I was talking about how it catches it with the spellcheck function. Sorry to get your hopes up! Probably would be problematic to convert it all at once, anyway.

Writing Feedback / I've vowed to change how I interact with people; Fruitful discussion. [5]

Yeah, I agree! I noticed a long time ago, in myself, a tendency to be argumentative and to be verbose. Both of those tend to come with being good at the use of language.

Writing Feedback / All Quiet on the Western Front, main theme of camaraderie [4]

I think I know what you mean!
You can simplify this part:
During war however, camaraderie prevails because war prevails. This is because it destroys the individual, and there is a loss of identity.

I like your last paragraph a lot.

Writing Feedback / Description Essay: The Rider [7]

You deserve it! Congratulations.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement - Most important invention, and more. [6]

That seems like good advice. I bet it is a very stressful test.