Undergraduate / "Not everyone is born with confidence" - Essay for common application [6]


I'm glad to hear that!


I think you've got it right. Your engaging list of foibles comes first, drawing the reader in. Then comes your dictionary reference, which foreshadows but does not give away (whatever Liebe says) your concluding metaphor. So, my advise is to say with the structure you have and revise only for grammar and punctuation.

Speeches / Introductory speech about myself, my family, my job [16]

Wow. Your teacher is right. You really are too vague/general/ambiguous. How could we possibly help you come up with an attention-grabbing statement when we don't know anything about yourself, your family, or your job? There are no generic attention-getters. You'll have to find something startling, surprising, amusing, or intriguing about yourself, your family, or your job.

Grammar, Usage / My teacher claims my essay was too ambiguous and general.. [7]


Again, the question is too general, unless you want me to summarize your composition textbook chapter on argumentation. A better idea: Read that chapter yourself and then post a sample essay for critique. Or, choose a topic and some arguments and then ask for advice on putting those particular points across to a reader.

Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]


It's quite easy to cause a stir here. (Or on any online forum.) Don't be sorry.

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]


Yes and yes.

Undergraduate / Barrier between me and my dream career; UT AUSTIN; SOP [10]


That's undoubtedly true. The question is: Will it help you to base your essay around the experience of writing the essay? The answer is no.

Forget about being clever or original. Answer the essay prompt. Don't tell them about the process of answering the essay prompt. Answer the essay prompt.

The first essay you posted here is much, much stronger than the latest. If what you care about is getting into school, use that one. If what you care about is sharing your views on essay writing, by all means use the second one.

Writing Feedback / "working outside the academic world" - Advice for my GRE issue [2]

One of the strengths of this essay is its nuance. Your distinction between academic fields and the specific examples you give about optics and engineering meet the analytic thinking requirement of the GRE.

What will hurt you is grammar. Many of your sentences are awkwardly phrased. Your grammatical errors are relatively minor -- e.g., you often use the wrong preposition, which is common among people writing in a second language since languages use prepositions very differently, with shades of meaning that are not always perceptible to non-native speakers -- but there are so many of them that, collectively, they lower the writing level of the essay.

Here are some examples:

One of the responsibilities of a college or university is to prepare their students well for careers, which include imparting them knowledge, problem-solving skills and values like fidelity to task, etc.

However, after stepping out of the campus, they often find themselves freshmen again...

A working experience off campus in some relevant fields can let professors know what the society needs, thus updating the curriculum.

...laser, nonlinear optics and optical communication, all of which are playing a significant role in the modern life and are crucial for many positions in industry.

Beside the time gap of knowledge, there is a value gap between the academic world and the industrial world, which is the destination of many graduates.

In the academic world, professors take little care about economic matters: they pursue a pure joy in research, finding what is new and creative.

Recommendation: Brush up on prepositions and articles before taking the test.

Writing Feedback / First Essay: How to Pick the Right Fights [4]

It's good to see someone so young struggling to solve such a serious social problem. I like that you have included what we call a "what you can do" section in your essay along with your logical arguments.

Having discussed this very problem with young students who live in the very dangerous areas you mention, I wonder what is your own experience with this subject. Are you writing from experience or speculation? This will be important for the reader to know. You suggest an approach that sounds very reasonable but might or might not work in practice. Do you have any examples you can give from your own life when the way of handling conflict that you suggest did, indeed, defuse a conflict?

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions essay - family history environment / culture - suggestions / proofread? [21]

Jump in and do some grammar checking for other members and we'll see what we can do.

Writing Feedback / A concise narrative about an important event - UF Architecture college essay! [17]

If you like, you can close your essay by reflecting on those values as demonstrated in the examples you have already given. Also, be sure to break the essay into paragraphs.

Undergraduate / "Living in America converted me into new person" - essay for common app :) [20]

They didn't let you shower?? Nobody noticed your eating disorder? The experience sounds nightmarish! You really never lost your smile? I find that hard to believe. Better to tell us how you summoned up the strength to survive such a situation!

Undergraduate / "My older brother David" - Help with UCF entrance essay [11]

This is a good story. But to make it fit the prompt, you have to spend more time on the "bump" by telling us how David's death shook you up. Right now, you move too quickly to platitudes about what you learned from his life.

Undergraduate / College app: Contribution to educational environment essay: help with beginning [6]

Try it a couple of different ways. See what you like best. Hey! That works when creating recipes too!

Essays / From Kyrgyzstan to Oxford [23]


As the sentence is constructed, "that is" would not work but "for example" would. It's ambiguous enough -- Is that surely what he will do? Or just one thing he might do? -- that I guess either could do. But dropped awkwardly into the essay like that, the "i.e." looks like a pretension.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]

The broadest definition of cognition (mental processing) includes perception (processing sensory stimuli). But, in general usage, "cognition" refers to conscious thought while "perception" refers to the often unconscious processes involved in vision, hearing, etc.

Graduate / 'failure is bound to occur' - PTCAS Doctorate of Physical Therapy [7]

By "tightening," I mean get rid of superfluous words and phrases:

One day, a chemistry professor was giving advicedto several chemistry and biochemistry students. He said that most biochemistry and chemistry students should haveto be sure to have sufficient lab experience entering their junior year; experience I did not have . My extracurricular activities consisted of time spent in dance studios with a break dancing crew, the school's ballroom dance team , and on the field with the men's club soccer team .

A turning point was reached when I realized that I needed to look ata career that would be just as hands-on and related to sports or dancing.

Graduate / MBA - Career Progess and Goal Essay [9]

Start with the paragraph that begins with the quote. After telling the story of your work with the trust add a sentence that concisely summarizes your goals. Then start a new paragraph with "When I was growing up..."

Writing Feedback / A concise narrative about an important event - UF Architecture college essay! [17]

Let's see the edited down draft, along with a summary of what you'd like to add.

Essays / "The Curious incident of the dog......."-Christopher's change & lessons learned [26]


Does it illustrate how Asperger's syndrome affects the development of the brain? Or, does it illustrate how Asperger's syndrome affects emotion, perception, and cognition?

Book Reports / Hamlet and the Theme of Death! [7]

Evitable = avoidable.

Also, just listing the kinds of ways that people die in the play is not quite the same thing as exploring death as a theme. You might list those different kinds of death in your introduction, as a way of establishing that lots of people do die in the play. Or the fact that lots of people are killed in different ways could be one of the arguments you use to support the thesis that death is a theme in the play. What are some other signs that death is a major theme in the play? I can think of a few. For example, Hamlet's soliloquies demonstrate that he, the title character, is obsessed with death. There's also that fact that people in the play seem to think frequently of death -- whether suicide or homicide -- as a way of solving problems.

Essays / From Kyrgyzstan to Oxford [23]

I took out the "i.e." in the previous version. You are using it incorrectly -- e.g. would be more appropriate in that context -- and only to show off. It will have the opposite effect you intend. Take it out.

Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]

Let's not devolve the discussion. I'm sorry I sent it astray. In an admission to a secular university, it's fine to mention your faith if this is a guiding force in your life. At the same time, you do not want to appear to be someone whose religious beliefs will lead you to, e.g., reject facts taught in biology or history classes, derail class discussions by exhorting your classmates to abandon their religious traditions for yours, or refuse to respect professors of other faiths. (If those are your tendencies, you'd probably be happier at an institution set up by and serving only people of your faith.) As in most things, the key is moderation.

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]


Await who?

Back and forth, back and forth, we continue to try to persuade the judge at the back of the room to lean to our side .

Undergraduate / "Not everyone is born with confidence" - Essay for common application [6]

I'm going to disagree with Liebe. It's good that you match your introduction and conclusion in that way. It's true that for advanced creative writing this would be too heavy-handed, but for an undergraduate admission essay it is just right.

I like the lively and engaging tone of the essay. It is quite well written already, and will be even stronger if you correct the grammatical errors.

Here's some help on that:

When I first learned to walk downstairs at two, I had myself fell off the staircase like a rolling ball.

When I first employed the iron at six, I accidentally burned a lovely rabbit icon onto the cover of a book.

As I grew , my doubt that I was not as intelligent as others seemed to be confirmed by my poor academic performance, which made me a foolish figure in class.

For the past 15 years, I had " NO I CAN'T" as my tag and submerged myself in the apprehension of failure and ridicule, never daringI to challenge myself.

Undergraduate / 'Student-run clubs' - Johns Hopkins Short Answer [16]

Since Liebe cut some sentences, you have room for more detail. Was there a debate topic in which you were especially engaged or argument about which you felt especially proud?

Undergraduate / "my peers' views" - admission essay-common app [5]

I don't know... perhaps it fits under the category of ethical dilemma. But it will need to be revised to make that more clear.

Undergraduate / Need help on Bump in road Essay (my best friend's death) [23]

Yes, this is much better.

Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]


Oh, for heaven's sake. Christians run this country. Christmas is a national holiday. Politicians recite the Lord's Prayer and sing "God Bless America." We've managed to elect a Black man as President but it is absolutely inconceivable that a non-Christian could gain the nomination of either major party. There is no discrimination against Christians in the United States.

Undergraduate / 'DNA Repair / Surgery / Medicine / Upbringing' - Short Response to Johns Hopkins [3]

Using molecular techniques such as cloning and immunofluorescence, I deeply engaged in the study ofstudied how the cells recognize and repair DNA double-strand breaks in their genomes.

Undergraduate / Philosophy represented by the three latin words - FSU Entrance Essay. [11]


Hmm... Every student will be responding to the same prompt. What do you think the reader will think when reading these two sentences? "Wow! I want to read this one" Or, "Oh no, another boring essay"?

So, as Sean so often does, I'm going to suggest that you strike the first paragraph completely. For the rest of the essay, you need to use more concise phrasing and more active verbs.

For example:
When I take aL ooking back at my childhood years , it is so evident nowI can see that I was always presented with personal growth opportunities.

Undergraduate / "Significant Experience" essay - need advice on the content of this essay [22]


You should find someplace somewhere in your application to note or make reference to any substantial community service you have done. Universities do, indeed, take that into account when selecting among otherwise qualified applicants. Why? First, a record of civic engagement suggests that you will be an engaged student who contributes to the campus community. Secondly, a record of civic engagement suggests that you will put your university education to good use.

Writing Feedback / The New Bus Driver [7]

So, this is a short story -- fiction -- rather than an essay, yes? And I am guessing that you are not African American. Your imagination is vivid and empathic. But your wording sounds awkward. A Black man in America at the time would not refer to the new bus driver as "a White" but, rather, "a white man." A racist white man cursing an African American would not use the term "Negro," as that was actually the polite term in use at the time.

As to your exchange with Liebe, African Americans at the time -- like members of all oppressed groups at all times -- had a variety of emotional responses to their oppression and to the members of the group that held them down. Some were, indeed, very angry all the time. Others, like Douglass, demonstrated an almost superhuman ability to transcend resentment in order to work together with white allies. Most fell somewhere in between those extremes. Of course, whether or not it was experienced every day, anger is a natural response to discrimination. Incidents such as those described in that story, where an insult brings repressed rage to the surface, certainly did occur.

It is important to note, though, that the idea of rampaging mobs of African Americans venting their rage on whites was, for the most part, a figment of the paranoid white imagination. The vast majority of race riots in American history have involved mobs of whites beating up, murdering, and or razing the houses of African Americans and, to a lesser extent, Latinos. This is quite well documented in the report of the Presidential Commission on riots commissioned in the 1960s.

Graduate / MBA - Career Progess and Goal Essay [9]

You've weakened the essay by tacking on that preface before the opening quotation. Try moving that information to the conclusion if it isn't stated elsewhere.

I see that you still struggle with articles (a, an, the). For example: a deep sense of duty and responsibility to serve the society. While I was growing up, the Indian economy was witnessing a phenomenal growth.

You may want to review the rules for these.

The paragraph that begins with the quote is too long. Start a new paragraph at "While I was growing up..."

Your last paragraph explains what the school will do for you. Now tell them how you, as a student, will contribute to the school.

Overall, I'd still like to see the essay be more concise. For your final revision, regard each sentence ruthlessly, cutting out any unnecessary words or phrases. For example: I still lack a good knowledge ofthe business knowledgedomain that is absolutely necessary to make Indian railways a profitable venture .

Grammar, Usage / My teacher claims my essay was too ambiguous and general.. [7]

Yes, by not providing an example, you've asked a question that is too general to be answered adequately!

There are, however, a few general rules. In describing events, scenes or people, provide sensory (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste) details. In talking about facts, avoid terms like "many" or "some" in favor of actual numbers or proportions. Make sure that your assertions are specific. Instead of saying "orange juice is good for you," say "orange juice is high in antioxidants, which protect the body against cancer." And, as Orlando said, give examples to support your arguments or illustrate your ideas.

Essays / From Kyrgyzstan to Oxford [23]

...someone who hopes to start a new party and one day gain the presidency...

...to put together a university referendum...

For ages the University of Oxford has been the best place to attain education and advantageous knowledge.

After completing the masters program, I would like to continue my education and obtain a Ph.D. in Economics.

This degree would enable me to link academic career with policy practice.i.e. I plan on working with tax policy and social issues in the Ministry of Economy and Finance of Kyrgyzstan.

Essays / Similarities between myself and any vegetable [17]


Actually, I was thinking about getting past the prickly exterior to the surprisingly nice center.

Graduate / 'failure is bound to occur' - PTCAS Doctorate of Physical Therapy [7]


Throughout, you need to tighten up your sentences, getting rid of unnecessary words and phrases. Go through the whole essay sentence by sentence, asking first if the information in the sentence is essential to the story. Then break down the sentence, looking for words or phrases that elongate it while adding nothing of real value.

Undergraduate / "My work experience" -- Too...nonchalant? [9]

Slinging, banging, crunching and mixing are my job .

Book Reports / Argumentative essay on 1984 - Outline [40]


Sorry, but it's true. Altruistic behavior lights up the pleasure centers in the brain. And, indeed, feels good. That's not to say that we -- again as social animals -- have not evolved cultural practices that suppress that instinct.

Writing Feedback / "A government's role" - academic writing test IELTS to be correct [8]


That's good advice for real writing, but unfortunately basic composition teachers and writing test readers are sometimes looking for a clearly identifiable thesis statement of that variety.