Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

I tried rewriting this essay. Here is the draft:

Given that I have only 100 words, I tried to fit my initial inspiration here... but I don't think I included references to MIT well enough...

Undergraduate / "College In My Thirties" - the positive or negative aspects of coming to college [3]


Hmm... This is not exactly a complete sentence. Also, it seems a little abruptly introduced into the paragraph. How about:
"Through college, I can pursue the jobs that I truly enjoy."

Writing Feedback / Learning from books or from experience ? What is your opinion? [9]

Oh! I should have given some examples... Thank for filling in, Kevin! :)

Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [12]

Here is my newest version of the essay.
I split of the introduction and tried to make things a little clearer.

The glow from the screen reflected off the whites of my anxious eyes. My fingers twitched on the mouse as I uneasily scanned the code I had meticulously engineered the past hour, and my head jerked from side to side as I nervously reviewed the textbook. The cursor hovered over the icon, and I covered my eyes as I made the fateful click. What seemed like years had passed when the computer finally screeched its shrill beep. I peered through my hands, afraid that my painstaking efforts would yield a mere "Compilation error." But to my utmost relief, I read that fateful phrase: "Hello World!" At age eight, I discovered my passion for programming.

Since that revolutionary incident, countless people and factors have molded my personality and perceptions of the world. My parents selflessly partook of my rigorous education and academic integrity; they offered the roof under which I worked, struggled, and accomplished for the past sixteen years. My swim coach infused in me determination and perseverance; she provided the friendly pool where I developed my talents and self-esteem. My music tutors taught me the poignant harmony between mind and soul; through my flute and piano, from lush lullabies to magnificent symphonies, I was imbued with emotional wholeness. All of these people taught me that the successful person always helps others and undoubtedly fashioned my aspirations. However, it was my helpful friends who most shaped my life dream to help others while pursuing something I love to do.

During the current Information Age, my friends and I indulged in engineering and computer programming. Initially, our similar interests were conducive to details and ideas that would improve homework efficiency and experimental safety. For example, many of our classmates struggled when balancing chemical equations; because disproportionate ratios of chemicals can lead to disastrous explosions, my friends and I set off to develop an interactive program that would graphically guide the users through step-wise calculations to the correct solutions. Although the endeavor was extremely challenging and required weeks of planning and compiling, my friends helped me drudge through difficult code until we yielded the final result. Through our software, our classmates avoided chemical accidents and performed better on homework and tests.

This success inspired my friends and me to sophisticate and utilize our expertise to assist others in productive and safe education. Together, we decided to market our talents. Computers are indispensable to current education, so we addressed users afflicted with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, a serious illness of aching wrists due to excessive computer use. While my friends designed the appearance and structure of a comfortable forearm rest for typing, I crafted a user-friendly program that adjusted the height and positions of the device. Such a gargantuan task was impossible to complete solo; when I needed assistance, my friends would pause their labor to help find bugs in my software and condense my code. Our finished product received Semifinalist standing in the National Engineering Design Challenge, a competition geared towards the development educational technology for handicapped people.

Without my friends, it would have been impossible to acquire the satisfaction of helping others achieve the full potential of education. My friends' selfless assistance and our accomplishments inspired me to continue, through computer programming, to develop effective and productive technology.

Undergraduate / "outstanding abroad program" - Short answer to BU application. [3]

Hmmm... You have a lot of reasons for going to BU. I agree with every one of them ^^ (I went to BU for an internship. I loved how the campus was dispersed throughout the city.) However, I think you should stick to one and develop it. By sticking with one and elaborating on the steps you took to find out more about BU, your short answer will become much stronger and substantial.

Undergraduate / "to major in the Medical field" - Application essay (the Ohio State) [3]

This essay is ok... However, I feel that it needs a little more substance. Instead of naming many reasons why you want to join, I think its better to just name a few and fully elaborate on them. Here, you say that this college will make you more individual, make you a leader, fit your personality. You also say that this college is close to your home, but far enough away, and that it is famous for its medical programs. You have so many reasons that you don't have enough room to develop them. Instead, you should pick a few and expound them. You say that you are a leader. How are you a leader? What do you do that makes you a leader? How do you act that shows that you are a leader? How will this college make you a better leader? You say that it fits your personality... But what is your personality? How does it fit? How will this make you a better, independent, and well-rounded individual? Keep these questions in mind when writing these essays. :] Overall, its a nice try though. Don't be discouraged.

Undergraduate / "My mathematical expertise" - part of my nature I am most proud of [6]

Thanks for the comments. I also think that the best way to go about the problem is to somehow fuse the two ideas together. I'm going to work on that now. :]

Undergraduate / "My mathematical expertise" - part of my nature I am most proud of [6]

Hmmm... I think you are misunderstanding my main idea...My main point was that I love to teach... not that I'm an obstinate learner. That sentence was just an introduction to a small anecdote that would lead to my main point... Am I not doing this right? -.- ... If you don't mind, could you take a look at the actual essay I took this from? The prompts were similar, so I tried to recycle it so that I wouldn't have to write a new one: https://essayforum.com/undergraduate/obstinate-learner-quality-experience-18146/

Oh - and another question:
Is "a love for teaching" considered a personality?

Essays / personality type essay (stress on thesis statement) [3]


Well... I agree that an essay is not exactly like a story, but it should definitely incorporate one to support your thesis.

As for your thesis itself, it is very generic. Rather than saying that they are the worst kind of friends to have, think about what it is about them that makes them unfavorable. Try to come up with a more specific theme. Maybe fair weather friends are disloyal at times. Or maybe they live in greed or selfishness. An example of a more specific thesis would be: "Fair weather friends are often not friends at all; they are leeches that bask in greed and prey on the good will of others." Something like that could work. I would say that the more specific the thesis, the better. But don't get so specific that you can't even write a paragraph about it.

Writing Feedback / Learning from books or from experience ? What is your opinion? [9]


Let's clear a few things up. :]
First, when you're using commas, you only put a space after it: "life, "
You don't need one before the comma.
Second, I think that you can better word the last three sentences. When you say "But which way is better?", the reader has to read forward to see what you are talking about. Instead, you should combine the sentence with the next ones: "Some people believe that learning from books is better, but I maintain that learning from experience is more effective." or something like that.

Overall, very nice. You added a nice example here to support your thesis. I would say that once you improve your grammatical skills even more, you will able to write very well.

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

Thanks for the comments.
Here is my second attempt at this prompt... Do you think it answers the question effectively, or does it seem more like a distraction? Just in case, I'm also working on another version and will post that also soon...

"Hello, world!" The journey through unchartered pages of unfamiliar language left me a weary programmer; I warmly welcomed the realm of Computer Science and Engineering. In this utopia, boredom is cured and...

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

Alright. Here is my attempt at this prompt. Do you guys think this suffices?

"Hello, world!" The journey through unchartered pages of unfamiliar language left me a weary wanderer; my tired yet inquisitive mind warmly welcomed a whole new world. I was forever intrigued by its boundless frontiers; it houses a plethora of applications to entertainment and productive technology. In this Utopia, boredom is cured and idleness eradicated; there is no darkness but only the enlightenment of the mind. Within the fingertips, I can dissect the neuronal algorithms that give life to the glowing black box before me. My manifest destiny lies in the realm Computer Science and Engineering.

I'm not sure if this does the job...

Undergraduate / "dedicated to the arts" -A significant experience: New College Admission essay [3]

Hidden out of sight, nestled among a collection of shady oaks on the outskirts of Gainesville Florida, resides a small elementary school. For one who is unaware of the school's existence, that persononeWhen using "one" in a sentence, you must stick with it throughout the sentence would barely notice it as theyoneIf you don't like the way this sounds (I don't either :), I suggest replacing the first "one" with "the person" and changing "they" to "he" (It's okay to stick to a gender, as long as it's constant) drove by, for its generic outwardThis word seems a little redundant appearance looks as everyday and ordinary as any other building. However, in the eyes of one who knows bettermy eyesYou do know better, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't be writing this. :) Then, it's more succinct to use "my eyes", this small school is so much greater than it seems.

Expressions Learning Arts Academy holds a special place in the hearts of all who ever attended the schoolof the student , for its special character helps cultivate and reveal the student'shis personality. The curriculum is unique, blending the traditional courses of math, language arts, and science with art, dance, drama, and music. Its miniscule <-- To me, this word doesn't sound right... Try a different one.class size (only about fifty to seventy five kids during my time)creates a family and allows the teachers there to be approachableaccessibleand create a family . I am exceedinglyforever grateful for the intimate and personal school experience Expressions provided, for it helped me discover not only a love offor art, but alsoWhen using "not only," "but also" always accompanies ti. the importance of a community.

At this point in my life, I am dedicated to the arts. I have taken anIn order to leave room for art classesof some sort every year of my school career, even taking myI postponed required electives duringto the summer, online, to leave room for additional art classes in my schedule . Beyond the world of pencils, pottery, and paint, I have also been dancing for fourteen years and have auditioned for and participated in plays. (Perhaps I would have found this passion for art on my own, but) <-- I'm a little confused here... you're saying that you could have discovered your passion without Expressions, then saying that Expressions helped you explore your passion... I think it's better to leave that part out... Expressions certainly helped unlock that door and provided guidance in exploring those areas. Ms. Sarah, the art teacher, encouraged her studentsme(I know what you are saying, but I think its better to keep the relations more personal. It will make the essay a little more powerful) to see the world in new ways, and to create and express ourselves. I learned there, that, while words may fail, art can offer a novel way to portray our feelings and ideas in ways before thought impossible . One can adequately show the beauty and the chaos of one's mind, when trying to explain that same idea with words can fall short.Art can often achieve what the word cannot: reveal the beauty of the mind.This is just a suggestion. The previous one was worded awkwardly... However, I'm not sure if you should keep it at all; you're pretty much repeating what you said the previous sentence :]

More than just instilling in me thatthe source of wonder and enthusiasm for art, Expressions was a family, teaching us studentsme to see and accept our peers for who they truly are. When I happen uponcome across my old classmates now, it is sometimes surprising to see how far we all have come,and how different we all are. An outsider looking in sees that we all run with different crowds and would assume that we have nothing in common besides our familiar school history. B, b ut I know better. Expressions allowed me to become comfortable with who I am, for I encountered no ostracism for being different or unique, and learnedto learn the value of connecting with people who can accept you for who you areothers . Expressions has helped me learn to make my friendships based on someone's true valuevirtues , not on what others think or say about a person. Expressions also taught me loyalty. My friends that I made in grade school are still some of my closest friends today, despite time and distance<-- What does that mean? I'm a little confused by "time.", and I hope that this remains true with my high-school friends.

While some may wonder if a grade school can have such an impact on a child, I assure you that if you were to ask any other alumni from that marvelous school if they feel roughly the same, they most likely would agree. The experience of growing and learning in such an accepting environment, with people who are eager to support you on your quest to explore opportunities that the world holdsthe world is a special thing. Because I went to Expressions Learning Arts Academy, I am now a confident individual, and artist, with the ability to accept others, because I have learned to accept myself.

I think you can work on your conclusion to make it stronger. You should especially try to fix the first sentence of the conclusion; you should try not to use the word "you" in your essay, because the reader might not feel that way. :] Overall, nice job though. You do well on elaborating on an idea. Might I suggest that you also add a specific experience or two to support your main idea? Maybe a lecture or an experience with schoolmate... This would make your essay even stronger.

Undergraduate / "I'm a salsa student" - Stanford supplement commonapp- Roommate note [4]


When I see this, I see many sentences crushed together. Don't be afraid to make shorter sentences! Sometimes, by dividing long sentences into shorter ones, ideas can flow much more smoothly.

So, here, I would rephrase the sentence:
"I love to meet people around the world; I'm member of a community world called CouchSurging.org, where I guide the travelers that visit our city. I've accommodated foreign people in my house, sharing foods, languages, cultures, and dances. Through the variety of people, I learned about their tastes; for example, people from Europe don't enjoy chocolate with cheese while my countrymen savor it as breakfast."

I took a few unnecessary ideas and words out. Remember to focus on your main idea.

Undergraduate / "a career in the science field" - Admission for Biology/Pharmacy [2]


I was at loss with words when I was trying to find the right word, but now I remembered! Such a simple one too -.-

Undergraduate / interest in and knowledge of solar energy: what you find intellectually engaging [3]


Nice beginning. :] At first, I thought you were talking to me... then I realized that I'm a guy. :)



Overall, the essay is ok... but I feel that you are just saying this... For example, you might add specific examples of your research experience and maybe explain how you plan on going about your endeavor.

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

Thanks to everyone who replied! Now I understand there prompt. Personally, I didn't like Stanford's version and didn't want to write another one of them -.-

Book Reports / How should i start... my essay on Romeo and Juliet? [3]


Don't be discouraged! :] Romeo and Juliet - *sigh... I remember those (rather boring) days! :)


I would say that the best way to go about this essay is to look specifically for facts and evidence in the story itself that will support that it was fate that caused their death. One example would be the plague - in the play, the plague forces the priest (was he called the priest?) to detour around the city to inform Romeo about the plan to elope him with Juliet. However, Romeo was hasty and unfortunately the priest could not deliver the message in time. That might be one example. You could find plenty more :]

Once you do this, try to write a killer introduction for your essay, with the thesis saying that Romeo and Juliet were indeed star-crossed lovers.

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [9]

Here is a new version. I tried to follow much of the advice given above. Thanks to everyone who has helped me!

My throat clicked as I watched the bow dolefully stroke the rosined hair; my eyes glimmered with nostalgic tears as my ears absorbed the violin's tender melodies. As I was whisked away to my rural childhood, my chair transformed into a lonely stone in the midst of lush pastures. As the dulcet tones subsided, I calmly reminisced my past and forgot the present. In this world, I had no burdens or worries. Classical music so intensely inspires and relaxes me that I regard it as the ultimate form of indulgence.

Undergraduate / An obstinate learner, Personal quality/Experience that is important to you. [9]

Ok. Thanks for the information. I actually never knew that it was a common mistake to use the reflexive pronouns that way. :) New things every day!

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [9]


Thanks for the suggestion. I changed it a little bit to accommodate the word limit:
"Classical music so intensely moves and inspires me that I regard it as the ultimate form of indulgence."


I looked at your other threads and saw that you are also applying to Cornell and Princeton. A LOT of competition :]

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [9]


Yeah... -.-. I tried to save myself some work by taking this from a different essay and adapting it... in the end I'm doing more. Sigh...

Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [12]

Thanks for the compliments and advice! I'm still working on this essay. I'll update the version soon.

Book Reports / Huckleberry Finn Symbolism Essay [7]

Having a theme is not only crucial, but will also make the essay much easier to read and write. A thesis of "Huck Finn has many symbols," to be frank, is not very interesting. Instead, you can incorporate these symbols with an overall, more specific message. You are still discussing the symbols and their representations; you are just going further by using them to support your thesis. Do you get what I'm saying?

Undergraduate / Change in academics- a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer. [2]


Don't overdo your commas. It can convolute your sentence and sometimes give your sentence a different meaning.



You seem to have trouble with commas. Remember, if your listing only two things, don't pull out the commas. Only use them when you're listing more than two things. Also, if you're combining two sentences with a conjuction, you need a comma before the "and" or the "but", etc.

Undergraduate / committed to achieving success / my family: MY FIRST UCF COLLEGE ESSAY [5]

Oh I see. For 2), definitely try following the advice I gave above.

For 3, try to do the same. Be specific. What about UCF distinguishes it from others in your eyes. Don't plainly say, "it is beautiful." Try to look into the programs they offer. What do you want to major in? How will UCF help you achieve your future goals? Try to answer these questions specifically, and you should be fine.

Book Reports / Huckleberry Finn Symbolism Essay [7]

One problem I see here is that you are pretty much saying the same thing throughout the paragraph.
For me, I would make the "general statement" the theme of the essay. What is the main idea of your essay? Surely, it is not just "Huck Finn has many symbols." Try to find a thesis that will utilize these symbols to substantiate itself. Surely, there is more than one theme in Huck Finn besides the one I mentioned above. If you are really stuck, take a look at Sparknotes. (Don't be afraid to use it. Even though many teachers disapprove of the website, I think it is extremely useful, although by no means comprehensive.)

Undergraduate / committed to achieving success / my family: MY FIRST UCF COLLEGE ESSAY [5]


Sounds like me :]

One thing you can definitely work on is adding specific experiences and relating to them. Think up of a main idea - how did your family influence you? Give a specific example and relate it to your thesis.

Just a question, are these short answers or full essays?

Undergraduate / An obstinate learner, Personal quality/Experience that is important to you. [9]

Thanks a lot for the advice!


Woops! Mistake on my part :]


I wanted the myself in there in order to show the contrast. Before, I said I didn't like teachers, but right after, I said that I love teaching. I wanted to emphasize this contrast. :]

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

No. By pure math, I meant the math where you assume the world is perfect. When you start getting into the knitty-gritty details of the environment, you would use "applied" math, where you apply the pure concepts to the real world, and statistics. Like geometry is considered a pure branch of math, but you can expand on that to accommodate the structure of spaceships and buildings, etc.

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

Well. I was talking about pure mathematics.

Undergraduate / An obstinate learner, Personal quality/Experience that is important to you. [9]

I also thought I needed a better conclusion. I tried revising it.

Book Reports / Huckleberry Finn Symbolism Essay [7]

Could you first tell us what the inverse triangle method is? I'm curious now :]

I think the best way to go about this task is to determine your main idea. Usually, it would be a theme of the book. For Huck Finn, one theme can be "society and its standards constrains one's freedom." Then you would search for symbols; you would use the interpretations of the symbols to support your thesis. For example, you could say that the Mississippi River represents freedom for both Huck and Jim; Huck can live his life freely with nature and Jim can escape the treacheries of slavery. For me, this is the sure way to go :]

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Common Application-First Aid: making a difference by joining the medical industry. [10]


I'm not sure if that is a proper word. I tried looking it up on Merriam Webster and received no results. Maybe "life saver" might sound legitimate and more dramatic :]

Well... after reading your essay, you seem to refer to "first aider" a lot. Could you tell us specifically what job you held? Maybe a lifeguard or a nurse? I think that using a specific job instead of first aider would make your essay better. Or were you just a passerby?


That part is redundant. Just state that you were the hero. Sounds better than you learned that you were the hero. :)

Overall, I think this short answer is nicely written and well structured. It's not the most flamboyant or beautiful piece I've read, but it definitely gets the job done. :) You've included a specific example and used it to develop the main idea, that you want to help others and save lives.

Graduate / "Career vision" vs. "most passionate about" - what is the difference? [10]


I completely agree! This reminds me of what my physics teacher always told the class :] He was a wise guy.