Undergraduate / Need help on Bump in road Essay (my best friend's death) [23]


Can you give an example of your new awareness of this in practice?

Writing Feedback / How my gay father, family and community have shaped who i am today - uc prompt [6]

I'm with Noto on the basic viability of this essay and with Sean on the stylistic problems. My sense of your thesis is that growing up with a gay father in a small town taught you the value of diversity. This central value is what makes you want to attend UC. As for your father and the dream of being a surgeon, I think that what you are saying is that, while growing up with a gay father did not lead you to want to be a surgeon, it did lead you to develop qualities that we all wish more surgeons (who are known for being colder and less empathic than other health care providers) would have.

So, you just need to be more clear about your central thesis and about the contribution of your family situation to the personal characteristics that will make you a good UC community member and a good surgeon.

Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

No, I like that sentence, and so will admissions officers. Keep it.

Writing Feedback / GRE essay: Sadness and happiness [8]

That's not the structure I saw. What I saw was:

para 1: random statements about happiness
para 2: cursory effort to answer question in prompt
para 3: sudden, possibly fictional, story about a paraplegic who found God and felt happier (*)
para 4: story about a friend who is happy because she accepts her limitations
para 5: two-sentence conclusion referring to a "fore-mentioned key" that, if it was the key to the essay, ought to have been highlighted much more clearly

(*) I say "possibly fictional" because, as written, the essay gave no indication that this was a true story you read on the internet

Writing Feedback / The benefits of technology versus the costs [11]


Right, it seems that your thesis is that technology is all good, and only turns bad when people misuse it. If so, you can and should elaborate that idea, which is more sophisticated than the simplistic "technology is monumentally beneficial."

Grammar, Usage / writing an essay -- how to improve imagination? [6]

As you move through school, the expectation is that you will have more and more information upon which to draw in writing essays and that your ability to think creatively and analytically will increase. To foster development in both of these areas -- knowledge and critical thinking -- read and write every day.

Read a variety of things, utilizing the wide variety of material available on the web but also looking into printed publications such as magazines, newspapers, and -- especially -- books. Keep a journal in which you reflect each day upon what you have read. Over time, you will find that your "imagination" improves naturally.

Writing Feedback / web designers use the techniques of human psychology and brain structure... [5]


That's how you want to start? Really? You're clearly capable of writing coherent, grammatically correct sentences. Why start with a roundabout sentence with words missing?


I'm not sure that "revolve around" is the right phrase here. It's not so much that the solutions revolve around psychology and brain structure as that they take these into account.


Capitalize your sentences! Also "in a very technical but a practical way" should be struck.

Scholarship / SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY:MY ASPIRATION CAREER AS A LAWYER. [3]

Well, what are your aspirations? What is your plan? We can't really give advice until we know that. You certainly can't write the essay without spending some time thinking about that.

Once you're sure what you're going to include, then you can think about how to start and organize the essay. One way to start, for example, would be to describe your future self in your dream job.

Writing Feedback / My best friend in elementary school; Friendship forever [4]


I'm not sure I understand this. Was she asking if you will be able to get the necessary permission to leave the country?


I can't imagine why, from what you've written here, you would suspect jealousy. Is there some evidence of that feeling that you've not written here? What you've reported so far is a normal conversation between friends:

"I hope to go abroad."
"Do you think you'll be able?"

"I have to take a hard test."
"Do you think you will pass?"


If you've not seen each other for some years, she probably asked about your grades either as a friendly general inquiry or as part of the conversation above:

"I have to take a hard test."
"Do you think you will pass? What are your grades like now?"

It sounds like you know there is some problem in how you interpreted her questions and that is what troubled you enough to inspire you to write this essay. For the writing, and perhaps for your friendship too, the thing to do is go deeper, to write in more detail about the interaction and what preconceptions you brought to it. Do you tend to feel that people are jealous of you? Has that interfered with friendships before? What changes might you make to avoid that happening again? In conversations, would it be possible for you to simply ask someone what they mean, rather than assuming something or wondering about it afterwards?

Writing Feedback / Good Boss, Bad Boss: Compare/Contrast Essay [27]

First, a "B" is a good grade. C = Fine or average; meets baseline expectations. B = Very good or above average; exceeds baseline expectations in at least one way. A = superlative; exceeding expectations in both form and content.

85 for content is about right. You met the guidelines for the assignment and probably were a bit above average for your class. For a grade of "superlative" in content, you'd have needed a more original or sophisticated analysis.

As to the 74 for mechanics, I can't comment without seeing the final version as you turned in, since things like proper formatting also count. What comments or corrections did the teacher write on the paper.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL---"the young people should plan or organize." [3]

You often fail to place a space after a punctuation mark. Besides being an error, this makes your essay very difficult to read.

Writing Feedback / GRE essay: Sadness and happiness [8]


What the GRE readers will be looking for will be your ability to lay out such an argument coherently over the course of an essay.


Even if you couldn't remember the website while writing, it would be important to note, when telling a story like that, where you heard or read about it.

Undergraduate / Admission Essay to Med School; "give me the bad news first" [3]

Are those really such bold words coming from a 16 year old? Don't most people start to think about what they want to be when they are in their mid to late teens? Is being a doctor such a bold wish for the child of a health care professional? Remember, the admissions officers will be reading scores of applications, all from people who want to be doctors and probably have wanted to be doctors at least since the teen years and perhaps even since childhood. Why start off the essay stressing the one thing you share with all of the other applicants, suggesting that this somehow makes you unique?

The rest of the essay is very strong. I like the story. But I really encourage you to rethink your opening.

Undergraduate / "Fleeting memories" - Are there any significant experiences you have had.... [16]

I'm still hoping to hear what others think about this piece. I really appreciate the quality of your writing. My only concern is that the level of negative emotion expressed might be off-putting to some readers. I'd really like some other opinions on this.

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

To improve your English, read as much as possible, write as much as possible, and converse with English speakers as much as possible.

I'll let our forum members who have struggled with the same question offer more specific advice on what has been helpful to them.

Graduate / "Pursuit of knowledge" - My SOP for Software Engineering [8]

Well, what are your goals? What, exactly, do you want to do within the field of software engineering? How will your work contribute to the field?

Undergraduate / "My ultimate goal of earning an MD" - UF essay! [4]

I'm moving this to the original thread. Keep revisions in the same thread as the original essay.

Writing Feedback / graduation grieves me [3]

I find the choppy sentences and awkward phrasings add up to a kind of poetry. But, unfortunately, prose is the goal. Let me make some suggestions and hope that others will do the same.

My junior high lifetime ended by today. Everything which was boring in my eyes now seems different.

All of the students shouted, "too handsome! "

It reminded me of his having said, "I'm longing for your departure as soon as possible. "

According to Sabrina, one of the monitors, described the reactions when other teachers received our presents. All were happy, with no exceptions , even those who previously said unpleasant words about us.

Undergraduate / "My ultimate goal of earning an MD" - UF essay! [4]

The story is strong and to the point. You start out well, with a vivid introduction, and do tie your conclusion to the story. You need to clean up the punctuation and wording a bit -- it's "suite" not "sweet" -- but your grammar is generally good.

Not many get to experience this in their lifetime.S ome people spend years searching for the exact feeling I had;and with this realization, I knew I was lucky.

Writing Feedback / GRE essay: Sadness and happiness [8]

Hmmm... Your grammar is fine, for the most part, but I'm not sure the level of analytical thinking is up to the level required for graduate school. Also the organization is weak.

Did you scratch out an outline before writing? Always take the time to do that. The few minutes you spend first brainstorming and then organizing your ideas into a coherent pattern can make all the difference.

Here, the story about "Nick" -- Is this even a true story? If you just made it up, it doesn't demonstrate anything! -- comes out of nowhere and is not linked coherently to the rest of the essay. The story about your friend is pretty weak.

What's your thesis, exactly? That accepting your limitations is the key to happiness? And, thus, whether or not you experience sadness doesn't matter? What about what you said about sadness and growth? How does that fit in?

You see what I mean? The essay just isn't coherent. It wanders all over the place, only briefly touching on the central question of the relationship of happiness to sadness. Remember that, for the GRE, you are not only demonstrating that you can write but also that you can think and organize your ideas coherently.

Undergraduate / I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin - CommonApp activities essay [11]


Jazz trumpet: Freddie Hubbard, Clark Terry, Lee Morgan, Art Farmer, Don Cherry, and of course Dizzy Gillespie. Classical trumpet: Alison Balsom is flat-out brilliant. Continuing our hip hop discussion from another thread, you might like the sub-genre known as jazz hop: Digable Planets, A Tribe Called Quest, Guru. Jazz bass: Mingus.

Essays / Mini-Research Paper (Autism) [5]

Yes, this is very strong. I don't see any errors, though I would like to see you use more active verbs and avoid trite and passive constructions such as "it is essential." I'd also like to see a stronger conclusion but, truly, this is quite good.

Writing Feedback / Not eveything that is learned is contained in the books [20]

Orlando, your arguments are strong, with excellent examples. However, your conclusion doesn't quite match the essay. The essay seems to argue that both books and experience are necessary to learn, but your conclusion puts experience ahead of books.

Writing Feedback / Least Favorite Place Essay [8]


That would be the least original way to start the essay.

Essays / Pro Con Analysis (Immigrants to Learn English) [19]

My tone wasn't as kind as it could have been. I apologize for that.


Obviously, unless agreement can be reached, somebody will be displeased. What I was trying to do was set aside the perhaps intractable moral dispute to look at the facts. Nobody is saying innocent people should be sentenced to death. But they are. In order to prevent the evil of putting innocent people to death, we must call a moratorium on executions until such time, if ever, as a solution to the known problems associated with inaccurate prosecutions and convictions (chiefly, racial bias and the untrustworthy nature of eyewitness identification) can be found. At that time, we can pick up the question of whether capital punishment is ever justified. For now, the question is moot because it cannot be applied accurately anyway.

Essays / Develop a thesis statement for KING LEAR: hidden loyalty/ blindness and sight / argument [9]

The second seems easiest. How does blindness function as a metaphor in the play? What does Lear not see? How does his blindness to reality hurt him?

Poetry / "Winter Day", "Fall" - Review My Poems. [8]

And here's another tip: To learn to write poetry, read poetry. Not the poetry on poetry websites, which varies so widely in quality. Go to the library. Camp out in the poetry section. Pull books from shelves. Flip through them. Copy any poems or lines you especially like into a notebook for future reference. Use the notebook to scribble lines or images or overheard dialogue whenever they come to you, understanding that most poets write scores of failed poems for every one they like well enough to share with others.

Poetry / "Winter Day", "Fall" - Review My Poems. [8]

It seems you are drawn to imagism, in which the poet tries to communicate a feeling or idea purely through the use of images. To make an imagist poem work, you must attend closely not only to finding the right words to convey the image but also to the rhythm and flow of the lines.

Of the two you've posted above, I prefer "Fall." The images are more crisp and the wording is also more clean. However, I don't like the last stanza, where you tell us what the poem is about. Better to refer to the scent of the spices drifting away in the wind and let the reader make the connection to the autumnal theme of transience.

By all means, post what you've got so far for summer so that we can help with that one.

Undergraduate / "My time with her count." - CommonApp essay - Evaluate a significant experience [7]

Feel your way through this question. It's important. You're very insightful as well as expressive. It will be worth your while to reflect further on this genuine moment of contact.

Undergraduate / I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin - CommonApp activities essay [11]

This is very good advice, Noto and Llunachick. Thanks to you both for being so consistently helpful to others. Llunachick, perhaps one day you might like to join Noto in becoming a Forum contributor.

Noto, do you still play the trumpet? If so, I've got some more musical suggestions for you.

Undergraduate / Obstacles in the road - Need assistance with UCF Prompt [6]

Good job. Love the first line. Extra points for "epiphany" -- one of my favorite words.

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [35]

As a musician, you might benefit from exposing yourself to as many different genres as possible. Hip hop on the radio is just a very narrow spectrum of US hip hop. There are so many different styles of hip hop in the U.S. alone and even more in other countries around the world, where musicians have inflected hip hop with their own folk forms. In U.S. hip hop, why not try Digable Planets? They're jazz-inflected psychedelic hip hop that ought to appeal to somebody working on a Woodstock tribute. If you like them, move on to the Fugees. You can listen to both for free on services like Last.fm

Essays / CBEST exam topic ideas? [12]

As I have said on the other threads where you asked this question, visit the CBEST website and follow their guidelines for test preparation.

Writing Feedback / Work alone or in groups [10]

However, I often obtain more success when working on my own .

I do not mind cooperating with other people, but individual labor will always be my first choice.

Essays / Pro Con Analysis (Immigrants to Learn English) [19]

The authors of your works cited are not "unknown." They are, respectively, the State of Washington Sentencing Guidelines Commission, the Death Penalty Information Center, and the U.S. Department of Justice.

Also, I think maybe you misunderstand the outline. If you were to follow it, you would be covering "the issues" in virtually every paragraph.


But, this doesn't tell you what proportion re-offend, which is really the question with recidivism.


So, that's 2 and 1/2 out of every hundred for rape and just over one out of every hundred for homicide. Do you find those to be compelling numbers?


I see you specifically ignored your teacher's instruction not to end with rhetorical questions. She won't like that. Writing teachings like for whatever specific pieces of advice they give to be followed.

Not to mention that these particular rhetorical questions don't go to the heart of the dispute at all. While proponents of the death penalty believe it to be for the good of humanity, opponents do not see it that way at all. Indeed, most opponents would argue that the death penalty hurts rather than helps the society.

One possible resolution would be, as already has begun to happen, for governors to conclude on the basis of the facts (1. disproportionate death penalties leveled against African Americans, and 2. multiple proven instances of people sentenced to death -- and even killed -- despite innocence) that the death penalty, whether right or wrong in theory, cannot be impartially nor accurately applied at present and to call a moratorium on executions. This would bring the United States into line with the other democracies. This would anger proponents but, since no innocent people are being killed by the state any more, not injure anybody. Proponents would be free to work for new criminal justice methods that would ensure unbiased and accurate application of the punishment they prefer.

Undergraduate / Philosophy represented by the three latin words - FSU Entrance Essay. [11]


I'd cut that.

Like llunachick, I like the content of the essay -- especially the restaurant job and your struggles with an eating disorder -- but encourage you to organize it into a more coherent narrative.

Undergraduate / "My time with her count." - CommonApp essay - Evaluate a significant experience [7]

Don't worry about the word count unless one is given. Just worry about making sure that every sentence is engaging and necessary.

I like the content that you added, which shows that you have some curiosity about and knowledge of the region you were visiting and which also now at least hints at self-awareness in the realm of cultural competency.

I'm still struggling with your assumption that she was thanking you. Perhaps she was simply saying "I liked you too. Goodbye!"or "Let's dance again someday." You just don't know. Why does this matter? Americans abroad are always assuming that those with whom they have had contact are grateful to them. Perhaps this was true in this case, but also perhaps not. Why not stay with being touched that, even though you did not learn her language, she tried to learn yours and spoke to you in it as the bus rolled away? That mute gesture -- possibly misunderstood on both sides (who knows what she thought you meant by it?) -- speaks volumes of the effort of people to reach one another across cultural and economic divides. To me, that's much more emotionally powerful than simplistically assuming she was thanking you.

Essays / Basic advises...for Clep Essay [7]

Again, agree/disagree means that you must agree or disagree, not do both. Please read the question carefully. If you are asked to "agree/disagree" with something, that means "agree or disagree." Only if the question says something like, "some people feel... other people feel... explain both positions" are you required to give both positions.

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]

Hmmm... I'd like to see this be less wordy and less chatty while still being lively.

I like the description of staging fashion shows for dogs with crippled Barbies, but you're better off not exclaiming how remarkable you were for staging them. Little girls who like clothes stage fashion shows. While you don't remember seeing one, if you had a television in your house, that is certainly where you got the idea.

Similarly, the MLK quote is a little too deep for its context. He was talking about taking courageous steps to challenge a form of oppression that seemed like it had always existed and would never go away. Going off to school may feel that big to you, but it's immodest to suggest that doing so is akin to participating in a social justice movement.

You mention Betsy Johnson. I'm not sufficiently attuned to fashion to know: Did she effect the kinds of changes you say that you would like to make in the field. If not, choose somebody who did.

Undergraduate / Need some advice with my Admission essay for Radiology tech program [2]


I'll tackle the first couple of paragraphs and then challenge our forum members to pitch in on the rest.

It is not hard to write about why I want to be a radiographer. Some people may tend to sit in front of the screen thinking for minutes or hours to write the first sentence. It was simple for me I want to help people. Throughout my life, I was always interested in helping people and fascinated by the medical field. I was not certain in what I wanted to do in the medical field, but I knew whatever it was it was going towould make me a better person.

A few years back, I was in a car accident and injured my back. I had an MRI and some basic x-rays done. While in the care of the highly trained and friendly technicians, I came to realize, " this is what I wanted to do." I believe that our sole purpose in life is to help others. Because of my car accident, I realized how I could accomplish my main goal in life. I can help people by being a radiographer.

My story may sound a little clichéd, but it is the truth. WhileI have been attending college, I thought about being a nurse then a dental hygienist, but I never had that feeling that most people get when something is right,t he feeling when you find that special or rightsome thing or someone that is perfect for you . Like buying a house, car, or even finding that special someone . The sensation is a warm feeling of enthusiasm feeling that consumes the heart. It is a feeling that takes all control of all emotionswhen it arises . When I realized and was introduced tointo the field, I knew it was love at first sight. I wanted to know more about radiology.