Posts by EF_Simone

EF_Simone

Jul 15, 2009

Undergraduate / Stanford Experience Essay [7]

simone- What I was going for is that the JPL introduced me to this mission to Pluto, thats why I'm using it kind of as an introduction.

But look at the actual words of your first line, which is about people growing despite hardship. The rest of the essay concerns the intellectual excitement of space study but not a word about personal growth or hardship. So your first line, which is boring boilerplate anyway, has nothing to do with the rest of the essay. Come up with a stronger and more relevant lead.

EF_Simone

Jul 15, 2009

Undergraduate / 'history and international situations' - UT essay: important issue [9]

Thank you very much for your advice. I have already checked and changed the verb tense. I'm just not sure about the tense of first and last paragraph

Your verb tense must be consistent. As it is, you sometimes veer into present tense while talking about past events. Writers sometimes do use present tense when writing of the past in order to create a sense of immediacy. This only works if it is done consistently. Moreover, in a piece that also contains material about the present, it is confusing. Thus, throughout this essay, you absolutely must use past tense whenever talking about past events.

EF_Simone

Jul 15, 2009

Writing Feedback / CBEST: The Age of Invention [6]

I now have a different lifestyle than fifty years ago.

Are you more than 50 years old? If not, then you need to say "I ~~now~~ have a different lifestyle than I would have had fifty years ago."

For example, many lives were saved in hurricane Katrina's case.

This is maybe not such a good example. Despite high-tech weather tracking, plenty of warning, and transportation technology, many people died due to the age-old problem of poverty. If anything, Katrina showed the limits of technological advancement. If not paired with social advancement, you might argue, technological advancement only goes so far.

EF_Simone

Jul 15, 2009

Essays / Similarities between myself and any vegetable [17]

Really, you could reference any aspect of the vegetable. Because I am a gardener, my mind tends to turn toward things such as likes a lot of sun, grows year round, bolts in the summer, needs lots of water, likes sandy soil, needs space, stays low to the ground, lives underground, reaches for the sky etc., etc. Coming from a cook's perspective, one could talk about the taste or the versatility (or lack thereof) of a vegetable. From the nutritional standpoint, some vegetables have more to offer than others.

EF_Simone

Jul 15, 2009

Undergraduate / how to reply an letter of acceptance [18]

Your letter quoted above refers.

As Sean noted, this is an incomplete sentence. You've got a subject -- "letter" -- and a referential verb -- "refers" -- but no object to which the verb refers.

It should be, "Your letter above refers to xxxx ."

But that doesn't make sense either, in the context, as a freestanding sentence, no matter what I put in for "xxxx."

Your letter above refers to me?
Your letter above refers to my application?
Your letter above refers to Mongolia?

I think you mean to say, "I write in reference to your letter above."

EF_Simone

Jul 15, 2009

Book Reports / Key to get re-submitted! Anicent World History Paper [31]

Well, you know, you have to actually read whichever book you choose, so you'd better get on that. I suggested the one that I thought would be easiest to read and lend itself to a simple thesis, but you certainly can choose whichever of the books you prefer and then go from there. You said you need an A+ for the course; better get cracking on that reading.

EF_Simone

Jul 15, 2009

Graduate / Specific short-term career goals - MBA Admission Essay [4]

What's good about this essay is that it is rooted in your work experiences. But you are going to need to tighten up the organization, as Liebe suggested, and also clean up the grammar.

For example:

Shortly after configuration and implementation of the fraud trend reporting system, I again, became hungry to learn more about the debit card fraud industry and the tools used to combat fraud.

The extra comma in this sentence derails it completely. Punctuated correctly, this sentence would help you. As it is, it hurts you. "I again" set off in commas stands out jarringly, drawing attention to itself and your error. This is an excellent example of how little things -- just one misplaced comma -- can make a big difference.

"Taking extra time to refine my baseball skills, staying after school to coordinate review sessions for an upcoming exam, and volunteering at local non-profit organizations are just a few of the leadership traits that I ~~have shown~~demonstrated at a young age."

I fixed the verb here, but the sentence still doesn't make sense. These are actions not traits.

EF_Simone

Jul 15, 2009

Book Reports / I'm supposed to argue whether "Stone Angel" is a tragedy or not? [7]

This seems very strong. I'll be interested to see the conclusion.

A tragedy can be defined as such that the protagonist is brought to ruin or immense sorrow most often due to a tragic flaw or lack of ability to cope with unfavourable circumstances.

This definition is somewhat tautological, as you use the word "tragic" in the definition of the word "tragedy."

My only comment on content is that you assert -- repeatedly -- but do not demonstrate your central thesis that Hagar's fatal flaw is pride. How is this demonstrated? Does she or do other characters agree with this assessment of yours? Is she really prideful or does she simply have more pride than men like her father think women should have? You say that pride is Hagar's flaw in the same way that it is Lear's flaw. That's a lot of pride! Prove it.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Essays / Similarities between myself and any vegetable [17]

What a creative topic! I like your teacher.

Let's get started, then: As a first step you could either:
(a)Choose a random vegetable. Jot down anything you can think of about this vegetable. Think of how those things are like or not like you.

(b) List as many vegetables as you can. Look at the list. Which is most like or unlike you? Why? Jot down as many ideas as you can.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Undergraduate / Stanford Experience Essay [7]

The capacity for people to grow despite facing hardships and obstacles has continued to excite me and engage me intellectually

How is this in any way related to the jet propulsion laboratory?

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

Again, it's up to you. You are applying to the Ivies, where all of your competitors will be listing at least one similar achievement. If it were me, I would find a way, while sticking with the main theme, of mentioning other achievements or activities. Since you speak of reminding people of their civic duty, that offers a perfect opening to briefly note some of the ways that you do yours. As Sean said, people who spend their time telling other people about their civic duty are an awful lot more credible when they are engaged in civic activities themselves.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Undergraduate / Are there any experiences or accomplishments that helped define you as a person [5]

because of the vague language I don't feel much emotion. Overall its a decent essay but it seems very bland and generic to me.

Right. Everybody says that they have overcome obstacles and become stronger as a result. The idea is to be specific about the obstacles, the ways that you overcame them, and what you learned.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Writing Feedback / I believe that police protection and good schools are the main factors to create an ideal community [19]

Simone, is that the way that you are looking for? For me is very useful to see different approach of the same topic. Thanks for that idea!

Yes, this is fine. It would also be possible, when you're ready to start on a new one, to begin a thread by stating explicitly that you challenge other essay members to write on the same topic for comparison. Then they could post their essays in the same thread without feeling that they are intruding on yours.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Scholarship / MBA Scholarship Short Personal Statement [12]

I do agree with the content, but it is phrased awkwardly. The "I need to mention" threw me off.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Undergraduate / "Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay [17]

The central idea -- that you are more light-hearted, fun-loving, and spontaneous than the stereotyped Asian American over-achiever -- is excellent. The lively tone of the first piece was refreshing and showed the personality you described. So, it's just a matter of conveying the same idea, in the same tone, without exaggerating your messiness (bad for roommates) or disinclination to study (bad for admissions officers).

For example, warning your roommate that s/he will have more fun that s/he can endure is funny and good, especially if you illustrate by mentioning your zest for all sorts of extracurricular activities -- arts, sport, etc. Universities like well-rounded students who will actively involve themselves in the life of the university community rather than sitting at desks all day and night. So, it's just a matter of adjusting the balance.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Undergraduate / "Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay [17]

Don't switch to third person.

I like the first line as it is, just don't want you to go too far in the direction of stressing messiness and disregard for studies.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]

Unless your friends have taught composition or have served on admissions committees (both of which I have done), do not take their advice too seriously.

Your essay is a particularly original powerful piece of writing that would stand out in any admissions officer's mind. Don't let your friends talk you into dumbing it down into the kind of thing that most students write.

If you worry that you've not gotten to your thesis soon enough, you could always add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph, saying something to the effect that the changes to Shi Ku Men have taught you that new does not always mean better.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Undergraduate / "Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay [17]

I believe that you will recognize that I am not just another stereotypical Asian

This is the heart of your essay. Stay with that. Elaborate it. I like the liveliness of your opening but I, probably like you, worry that an emphasis on messiness may have a negative effect. I'd lead with fun-loving instead.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Most people love Christmas' - University of Florida essay ("my life change"), suggestions? [21]

That's better, I think.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Scholarship / MBA Scholarship Short Personal Statement [12]

My skills, despite my age, remain strong .

I can cook Peruvian cuisine, though my wife cooks it better. I'd like to organize meetings with other students and their families where "Salsa" (Latin-American) or "Negroide" (Peruvian) music would be played .

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Writing Feedback / Should parents be held responsible for acts of vandalism committed by their children? [17]

Damages to properties could be stopped or reduced, if parents are obliged to pay for damages done by their children.

This central assertion still is not explained. How, exactly, will forcing parents to pay for damages lead to a reduction in vandalism? You explain how vandalism is hurtful and costly. You explain why parents of vandals ought to be the ones to pay the price. But you do not explain how this will reduce vandalism itself. If you believe that the threat of having to pay will make parents exercise more supervision, and if you believe that such supervision really will prevent vandalism, say so. If you believe that this is a better way of preventing vandalism then, for example, forcing the perpetrators to clean it up and/or work to earn the funds needed for clean up, say why you believe that.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Writing Feedback / Identify what are the most important features of an ideal community and why they are important? [10]

Right. An overarching theme -- something that connects all of the elements that you believe are most essential to the ideal community -- would make this (and any other essay on this topic) stronger.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Undergraduate / 'history and international situations' - UT essay: important issue [9]

"But I am ~~totally~~ confident and exited , because I am fully prepared, and I know how to be the best delegate."

"Totally" is one of those empty modifiers that add nothing of substance to sentences. Since you're worried about length and do have to hold the reader's attention throughout this essay, go through and excise all such superfluous words and phrases.

Next you must address the biggest grammatical problem with the essay, which is inconsistent verb tense. You slip into present tense sometimes while talking about the past. Use past tense for the past, present tense for the present (and things that are continually true), and future tense for the future.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Big company vs Small company [6]

Proofreading carefully is the key. It's so easy to use "site" when you mean "cite" or "wright" when you mean "write," and spell checkers won't catch such errors. Some people proofread twice, the first time for content -- whether your sentences make sense, whether you are using the right words, whether your verb tenses are consistent, etc. -- and the second time for spelling and punctuation.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Research Papers / research paper "influence of financial status parents on their children" i need [5]

Do you need to actually conduct research or just read and write about studies that others have done. The subject of parental income level and child educational achievement has been well researched, so there should be plenty of information for you to find and incorporate in your paper.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Graduate / MBA demanding/challenging situation Essay [9]

Should I use double exclamation mark or not?

Not.

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Good words flagged as bad by spell checkers [15]

The spell checker on my own word processing program is very well educated, as I have added so many words to it over the years.

Also, I notice that we can actually add words to this spellchecker (or at least we moderators can, I don't know if contributors and/or regular students have that option as well).

Are you adding words to the site's spell checker or to your browser's spell checker?

EF_Simone

Jul 14, 2009

Writing Feedback / Good Boss, Bad Boss: Compare/Contrast Essay [27]

It will indeed be interesting to see if your effort here pays off in the marks department.

I agree... Please do let us know.

EF_Simone

Jul 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [35]

This is very strong. In your final paragraph, you might mention the intellectual satisfaction involved in learning from mentors and participate in research.

EF_Simone

Jul 13, 2009

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions essay - family history environment / culture - suggestions / proofread? [21]

I like the comparison of Dominican and U.S. culture, but be sure to say how going back and forth between the two (rather than Dominican culture exclusively) shaped you. I'd also like to see even more vivid descriptions of the two places and the contrasts between them.

"Incredibly" is one of those words that means very little, especially when repeated. You use it four times.

In my life, I have had to overcome many obstacles and strength is the only thing that kept me going.

This comes out of nowhere in the last paragraph and makes little sense in the context of what you've shared. Either build in some descriptions of those obstacles or omit this sentence.

EF_Simone

Jul 13, 2009

Writing Feedback / Any suggestions on this "tent" descriptive essay? [5]

You've written much more imaginatively than most students dare and I'm guessing that any composition instructor would be thrilled with that. (I know I would.) Now it's just a matter of structuring the piece so that those images work together rather than confuse the reader.

EF_Simone

Jul 13, 2009

Research Papers / research paper "influence of financial status parents on their children" i need [5]

"Wright" = a worker who constructs things, such as a wheelwright or a shipwright.

Now to your question. The first step is to brainstorm all of the ideas you can think of concerning the influence of parental financial status on their children. You can do that easily! Just ask yourself: What are the ways that having rich parents or poor parents help or hurt children. Once you come up with several ideas, organize them in some way. For example, you might go by topic -- health care, education, housing, etc. -- and explain for each how the financial status of the parent helps or hurts the child. Or you could go by economic status, first describing rich parents, then middle income parents, then poor parents.

Once you have decided the things you will say and the order in which you will say them, then you can begin to write (not wright).

EF_Simone

Jul 13, 2009

Writing Feedback / Good Boss, Bad Boss: Compare/Contrast Essay [27]

Another noteworthy difference between good ~~boss~~ and bad bosses is their flexibility regarding personal emergencies.

Good luck! Hope the dog is okay!

EF_Simone

Jul 13, 2009

Writing Feedback / Any suggestions on this "tent" descriptive essay? [5]

Wow. This blows me away. (Sorry. Couldn't resist the pun.)

The tent's ropes were attached to the four corners of its tarp, where they stretched the tarp's surface area and were then securely fastened to the metal steaks lodged in the ground.

Who did all of this? I appreciate the way that you are using personification in relation to the tent, but by erasing the actual person so completely, you risk losing the reader.

I really like the vivid language and unique metaphors. Because you are writing so creatively, you will have to be especially careful to write as clearly and concisely as possible, so that the reader does not get lost in the imagery.

I'd like to see you break this into shorter paragraphs. While you're doing so, proofread for punctuation. Perhaps reviewing the rules for semi-colons and commas before doing so.

EF_Simone

Jul 13, 2009

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Big company vs Small company [6]

Content: Can you come up with a third reason for preferring big companies?

Grammar:
~~In relation to this phenomenon, the question has been arisen as to whether it~~That being the case, is it better to work in a large company or a small company?

First of all, people can feel secure in their jobs by working in a large cooperation.

For example, my brother [omit comma] Charlie is a computer designer who has been working at Apple for the last five years.
-or-
For example, my brother [omit comma] Charlie is a computer designer who has been working for Apple for the last five years.

When he deiced to switch his job, his work experience in Mcdonald ~~played a crucial role in writing~~looked good on his resume, and~~that~~ he soon was hired by the company to which he applied .

EF_Simone

Jul 13, 2009

Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

Hmmm... This starts very strong but kind of fizzles at the end. Your writing is vivid and engaging through the first paragraph. The second paragraph doesn't tell enough about your sixth-grade state or about how and why you made a change. The final paragraph is flat because it stays with "We the People" even though you've already gotten all of the drama out of that you're going to get. I know that it is you "eternal flame" but we need to read more, perhaps about your experiences at your internship or some incident illustrating how you put your commitment to civic engagement into action. If you're going for the Ivies -- you've got a shot -- you've got to do more than describe one high school highlight, however powerful that achievement was for you.

Good luck, and let's see a revision.

EF_Simone

Jul 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]

If they don't specify a length, then all you have to worry about is keeping the AO's interest. Your essay is strong, with vivid images and interesting ideas, so you should be fine.

EF_Simone

Jul 13, 2009

Grammar, Usage / Good words flagged as bad by spell checkers [15]

On another thread, Sean's spell checker wrongly identified "underserved" (a term used to denote people who do not receive adequate health care or other services) as misspelled. The next day, my spell checker flagged "primatologists" (the plural form of the word for scientists who study primates). Just now, my spell checker flagged millennia (the plural form of millennium, which means a thousand years).

Obviously, all of this points up the limits of technology. What I do when my spell checker says a word is wrong but I think it's right is to go to an actual dictionary (or dictionary.com) and look it up. That's what forum users -- especially English learners -- ought to do.

But, since the words flagged incorrectly are often interesting, I thought it might be a fun way to build vocabulary for us to all list such words here.

So far, we've got:
underserved
primatologist
millennia
(definitions above)

So, the next time a spell checker flags a word you think is spelled correctly, look it up. If you're right, post the word and its definition here.

EF_Simone

Jul 13, 2009

Writing Feedback / Tools to attract people to work. [6]

i didnt catch the meaning of your last paragraph,could you explain it more.
"whats the main meaning of the subject?"

Here's what you said is the subject:

Subject:
Some people argue that government should give every unemployed person a mobile phone and should make sure they access to internet. They believe this is the best way of using public money to reduce the problem of unemployment.

If this is the subject, then your essay should focus on whether or not this is a good strategy for reducing unemployment.

You write:

Some more strong countries offer mobile and internet access to attract people to work and some poorer countries do this just by offering theme good going and returning facilities.

But, offering mobiles and internet access is not meant to attract people to work. It's meant to help people who already want to work to actually find job opportunities, contact potential employers, have a telephone number at which potential employers can reach them, etc., etc.

EF_Simone

Jul 13, 2009

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]

I mean if the above eassy sound a little chin-english or not?

Not to me. Your prose is more fluid and complex than that of many native English speakers. You make punctuation errors here and there -- primarily using more commas than you need -- but every undergraduate does that. Your errors are not obviously those of someone whose first language was Chinese.