Scholarship / I am much confident about my capacity and ability to develop the community and bring a good change [11]

Shamsher, the essay is good in terms of content. It covers all of the required points and now offers a clear idea regarding how you developed the skills. The problem we are facing now has to do with the formatting of your essay. It is too tight on the page which tells me that the various topics for discussion are bunched up into only 2 paragraphs. You will have the reviewer experiencing reader fatigue before he finishes reading the first paragraph. So I need you to review the essay and create paragraph breaks each time a new topic is discussed in the essay. That way we space out the conversation and allow the eyes of the reviewer to breathe as he moves along the essay. Once you get the paragraph spacing right, you can consider the essay finalized and ready for submission.

Undergraduate / My country, Georgia, needs to escape beyond its borders [2]

Mariam, instead of telling the reviewer how you learned to speak English, which is really of no importance to him since you can write the essay in English, you should use the space to show how you developed your leadership skills. Rather than stating it as a matter of fact in the third paragraph. It is not enough to tell the reviewer that you have the skills. You also have to qualify them with evidence within the essay. Make sure that the leadership skills showcases your openness to cultural exchange as that is the main objective of the UGRAD program. If possible, highlight your abilities to connect with people from diverse backgrounds as well since that is one of the purposes of the program. The rest of the essay is really strong and offers a competitive look at your qualifications as a candidate. I am not sure if it will be enough to get you the scholarship, but I am sure that you will at least get a fighting chance as a candidate.

Undergraduate / To save money. Writing on the explanation of a gap year in commonapp's additional info section. [13]

Excellent. The message is clear and it makes your gap year sound really productive. You show a considerate side that helped you use the gap year to further develop your personality, which in turn, helped you to learn more about yourself. The essay definitely displays the sentiment of a desire to improve oneself by becoming financially responsible first, for his family and siblings, and then himself. You have managed to turn around the essay to the point where it is actually usable and, even though it has some grammatical issues, actually delivers on the additional information about how your life became better after your gap year. I will not change the grammar issues in your essay because it fits in with the overall "sound" of the written interview. As such, changing it by perfecting the grammar will result in the voice being changed. So go ahead and submit this essay in its current form. This is the final and complete form that you can use for the prompt.

Scholarship / Solving problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them [2]

Elinka, the main problem with your motivation letter is that you do not have a clear presentation of the "motivation" behind your desire for higher education aside from travel and continued study. As an Erasmus Mundus scholar there is a certain expectation behind your motivation. That is, to let the scholarship committee know that you have an interest in socially or economically developing your country based upon a specific set of conditions. It seems to me that the information you have written here can already be found in your CV. So why are you repeating it in vivid detail in your motivation letter? Rather than repeating information, you should be developing the motivation for your studies by first, presenting the reason that you feel you have to pursue a higher field of study when you already have MS diplomas on hand. What is the particular problem with your country that you think additional training can help you resolve? I hope that you can find a way to develop a dissertation statement for presentation in this motivation letter. A simple statement of the question will be sufficient enough. You can delve deeper into that discussion in other essay requirements for the scholarship. As of now, we need to find an avenue of your skills that can set you apart from the other applicants because right now, you sound just like any other applicant for the scholarship. I am hoping you can stand out based upon the dissertation topic that you will be choosing.

Undergraduate / The value of patience and the lesson to be learned with my every loss [10]

Definitely. Develop the discussion about your mindset and training because the development of those two sections will help to show the process of maturity that you have undergone. From failing and feeling sad and disheartened to overcoming self pity, to analyzing the failure you had, then the slow but sure evolution of your mindset, all of these aspects have to be properly developed and represented in the essay. Are you writing based on a word limitation? If you are then you might have to consider editing some of the other content of your essay so you can strengthen the presentation of specific sections. Just make sure that the development clearly showcases the development of your maturity in various aspects throughout the essay.

Undergraduate / My playground was a jumble of old circuit board, electric wires and many electronic components [4]

Vedanth, I reviewed your essay once again and tried to do a little editing of my own in order to see if removing some parts of the essay would work towards improving your story. From my point of view, removing the second paragraph about you being in the 9th grade will definitely work towards shortening the essay. Not only will it shorten the essay, but it will also allow you to better focus the story on the background story that you really want to share. That is, the way that you learned to create a robot, in accordance with your chosen college major. The Paul Coelho quote works great to further tweak the interest of the reviewer in what you have to say. That is a very good paragraph. However, the final paragraph seems to wander in content and lose focus on the actual topic of the prompt. It would be best if you review it and try to edit the content so that you don't lose the connection of your closing statement with the first parts of the essay.

Undergraduate / The value of patience and the lesson to be learned with my every loss [10]

Japneet, you don't need to create that dramatic opening statement. You can present your story from the first year that you lost the competition. Use a chronological presentation for the essay because the lessons that you learned were fundamental to your next round of competition, the training that you did, and the mindset that you developed. Also, it avoids the need to have you revise your concluding statement to make it circle around to connect with your opening statement. The story is effective in delivering your failure and lesson learned. The semi-humorous note of discussion with your trainer shows that you know how to take failure lightly while still taking it seriously enough to want to succeed. The essay really works for the prompt statement. However, the opening statement, is really unnecessary in my opinion.

Undergraduate / To save money. Writing on the explanation of a gap year in commonapp's additional info section. [13]

Tkay, say something about whether you were able to help ease the financial burden on your parents or not. Remember, the gap year is all about taking charge of your life and reaching a sense of maturity, either in terms of moral conditions or financial abilities. Explain how you were able to help ease the burden and what the end result of the financial contribution you made was. If this is to be an exceptional gap year essay, we need to reflect on those points as well. When you say that you hoped this would help you with your future career, I feel like the essay suddenly ends. It is abrupt. Can you please try to develop a new final, closing statement so that the essay will not seem to end on an open ended note? The essay badly requires a good and strong closing statement.

Undergraduate / My playground was a jumble of old circuit board, electric wires and many electronic components [4]

Vedanth, I am not sure where you are headed with this essay. Could you please provide the complete prompt requirement for my reference? It will help me judge whether your approach to the prompt is correct or requires adjustment. I cannot understand why you are discussing something you failed at, but have an interest in. I would not even consider it a talent because you were not successful in mounting the activity until later. And that activity was not even connected to the original activity since you had to learn a new programming language for it and also, found a solution that was common sense instead of based on talent or the activity itself. So maybe, just maybe, your response is a bit off track with regards to the prompt requirements. I also feel that it is too long and can be shortened for content, based upon the prompt requirements. Let's see if we can make better sense of the required focus of the essay once the prompt is provided.

Undergraduate / The value of patience and the lesson to be learned with my every loss [10]

Japneet, consider writing a new essay for the prompt requirement. You need to focus on just one single interest or background. In the case of this essay, you have two separate discussion going on which tend to divide the attention of the reviewer because they depict 2 different aspects of the prompt. For uniformity sake and the benefit of the reviewer, try to stick to related topics in the discussion you provide.

By the way, are you a computer science major? If you are, then you definitely need to change the presentation of this essay. Try to present a different discussion that showcases a personal rather than academic side of your personality. The essay prompt usually allows the student to present a side of himself that is not presented in the other common app essays because they are course centered. This prompt is supposed to allow the reviewer to get to know you on a different level. A more personal side that does not have to directly relate to your major because he wants to know more about you as a person, rather than as a student.

Scholarship / It's the best choice I've ever made. What benefits would a UWC Education offer you ? [4]

Kirti, you do not really reflect a specific method by which studying at UWC can offer you any benefits. You are speaking in general terms that do not really reflect any of the objectives of a UWC education. Since this is a university that has a global outlook towards education, you should specify the benefits of a UWC education in relation to your chosen major on a global scale. How would this education help to prepare you for the global requirements of your course? Is there a specific class that you feel will be of particular importance to your plans for your career future? I don't see any reflection of these educational benefits from UWC in your essay. I suggest that you consider adding these to your essay if you still have the word count to do so or if you are willing to revise or write a new essay in order to reflect the needs of the prompt.

Scholarship / I am much confident about my capacity and ability to develop the community and bring a good change [11]

Tkay, just blank out the information that you are uneasy with sharing in public. I know how conscious one can get sharing information on a public platform but that is how this forum works. I am even bound by privacy rules which is why I cannot share my email address with you in as much as I want to. Since we still have 2 days to work on the essay, I am confident that we have more than enough time to perfect it. If you have any questions, just post them on the forum and I will automatically get back to you. While there may be a slight delay in my response at times, due to the holidays, rest assured that I will respond to you as soon as I can. For now, work on the revisions I suggested and get back to me here. I will make sure to keep an eye out for your post so that we won't waste any time when it comes to editing your essay. There won't be too much work to be done anymore if you follow all the instructions that I provided to you in the previous threads of this topic.

Undergraduate / To save money. Writing on the explanation of a gap year in commonapp's additional info section. [13]

Tkay, the revision seems sound. It actually works. However, there are a number of crucial grammatical issues that need to be addressed. Let me post the corrected versions below. Make sure to apply these changes because it will help create lexical accuracy in your essay.

At the AGE of ...
... increased ownership of MY life...
... I thought my journey OF SELF DISCOVERY would help me ...
... in my future CAREER.

It is not important at all to your essay for you to mention what your siblings are studying and where. Just inform the reviewer that your parents are still paying for the advanced or higher education of an older sibling which is why your finances are strained at the moment. There are some personal points that you should keep to yourself because that is considered too much information already for the reviewer to know about. Protect your privacy in instances when sharing the information can be avoided in the essay since it is not required data for the reviewer.

Scholarship / I am much confident about my capacity and ability to develop the community and bring a good change [11]

When you explain your leadership skills and how it was developed, you can consider the first project that you worked on with the organization. What mistakes did you make and why did they occur? Were these leadership related? If it is, then consider showing the reviewer how your leadership style evolved from there. That way you can show a logical progression of your leadership skills. Offer at least 2 examples in that paragraph. The bad leadership style and then the improved and successful leadership skill that you developed for use in the next activity. That way you do not need to use a specific term for your leadership skill or style. All that is obvious to the reviewer, is that you improved your leadership style over time. Your developed leadership style equates to what you learned about yourself and your capacity to create change from failure.

How many days do you have to develop this essay? Is there a chance that I can work closely with you in the development of the essay? It shouldn't take more than 2 or 3 partial revisions at the most, depending upon what kind of essay you deliver with your next revision. I am willing to work closely with you if you would want that. Just make sure to call my attention to your essay when you post the revision so that I will remember to check into it.

Undergraduate / To save money. Writing on the explanation of a gap year in commonapp's additional info section. [13]

Don't use the bullet points list in the essay Tkay. Never use bullet points in your essay unless you are writing a cover letter. In truth, you should just use the additional information in the current essay by developing these into paragraphs that can clearly add information about your gap year. Whatever you do, never tell the reviewer to refer to a previous essay for more information. That will irritate him because it creates the impression that you want him to waste his time going back and forth between your application documents. Just identify that this essay is a supplement to your essay about your gap year in the opening statement. He will know what to do from there. If the bullet points are only a recap of information you included in your actual gap year essay, then there is no need to mention that information again. Always present fresh and vital information in every essay, even if it is meant to only support a previous essay. The strength of the essay lies in the way you present new, relevant information in each essay that you develop.

Undergraduate / Cornell engineering essay - my contributions to the engineering field [4]

If you bring up the discussion of your fourth paragraph to the opening paragraph, you will be able to leverage the rest of the information to support that claim of how you want to help develop technology that can help mankind in the future. You can format the essay to open with paragraph 4, support it with paragraph 3 or, you can create a totally new opening statement that talks about your NASA experience. That can lead you into a discussion represented by paragraph 4 and then closed with the statement from paragraph 3.

I don't really see you as needing more than just 3 paragraphs to present a justified discussion in this essay. Those 3 paragraphs, when arranged in a proper manner, shows that your response is clear, concise, logical, and interesting enough to hold the reviewer's interest for an appropriate amount of time which can lead him to better consider your response in terms of your overall application.

Undergraduate / The vast array of research opportunities and many other things that makes Hamilton special for me [6]

Abdullah, the response that you wrote does not fit the prompt. What you have developed is more of a generalized statement than a statement of what interests you in attending Hamilton. The reviewer needs you to deliver information that goes way beyond the simple clicks on a web page. He needs you to deliver information about Hamilton that struck you as intriguing, interesting, or a perfect fit for your own interests and commitment to a college education. While you obviously got your information from the regular sources, hence the lack of truly personal connection, you can actually turn the essay around and make it more personal in slant.

In order to do that, you have to go back and do some research about the academic aspect of the university. Since the university is a liberal arts college, you should have the discussion room to fully develop some targeted aspect of your discussion. For example, consider your chosen major. Why do you think that pursuing that degree at Hamilton makes perfect sense? Consider the academic offerings of the university, would the question of why you were attracted by answered by the academic support system that the university offers? Or, you can think outside the box and deliver a response that seems curious in discussion Maybe there is something quirky or unique about the university that fits with your personality? Find some pretty personal yet specific reason that you would be attracted to the university. Yes, you will have to write a totally new essay in order to better address the prompt.

Scholarship / I am much confident about my capacity and ability to develop the community and bring a good change [11]

Shamsher, your essay does too much telling without justification. You need to beef up your essay with actual examples of the development of your leadership skills, your capacity to create change, and what you learned about yourself as a person. These criteria all have one thing in common, that is that you need to offer anecdotes along with your explanations or beliefs regarding your skills. Otherwise, these are empty claims that don't really offer the reviewer a chance to analyze these character traits as you claim to possess them. My advice is that you adjust your introduction paragraph so that you can have more space on the page to allow for character development for each criteria in the essay. Right now, the essay is strong in terms of literal explanations, but lack the logic that examples contain.

Undergraduate / To save money. Writing on the explanation of a gap year in commonapp's additional info section. [13]

Tkay, can you provide me with the complete information regarding the gap year essay? I would like to confirm that your essay is on the right track here because it doesn't contain the expected content of a gap year essay. Normally, a gap year is spent on more substantial self growth either through seeking and gaining full employment during the year and taking fiscal responsibility for yourself, or stories of traveling the world and learning from the living abroad experience wherein you were totally responsible for yourself from the mundane to the serious aspects of life. The gap year is normally taken in order to come to full maturity before you enter college. I don't really get that complete sense in what you have written.

Your essay makes it seem like you did not really take a gap year but rather, took the year to follow other interests that still related to your education, although in an informal setting. That is not usually the kind of information that a gap year summary contains. So I am lost as to how this gap year essay covers your prompt requirement. By the way, is the bullet list at the end still part of the essay or did you mean that for us as the reviewer of your work?

If there is no formal representation of the prompt because this is an open topic supplemental essay, then all of the points of improvement that can be added or changed in your essay is already contained in the previous paragraph. Let me know if you have any questions and I'll help you better understand the instructions I provided.

Again, the essay seems fine. I need to read the formal prompt to confirm that. It lacks some vital representation in my opinion, but again, that will be either confirmed or disproved by the prompt requirements. Rest assured that I can deliver a more focused set of advice regarding the improvement of your essay once I know what the gap year essay requirements are.

Undergraduate / What makes you happy? My parents' happiness! - Tufts Supplement [3]

Harry, when you say that your parents make you happy, you are making a statement that does not carry a logical sense. Your parents cannot make you happy. Your parents actions make you happy. So there is an error in the formulation of your response. I believe that the response you are trying to offer here is "Seeing my parents happy makes me happy." So the response "My parent's happiness" in your title is correct. However, the representation that you gave it in the essay is not too accurate. The representation should have been one of your personal actions that brings happiness to your parents. That is why your parent's happiness makes you happy. It is akin to saying "My success is my parents success." Therefore, your happiness is your parent's happiness. Your essay focuses too much on information that does not relate to your actions related to your parent's happiness. It would be best if you highlight how you effect the happiness of your parents in a way that makes you happy as well. The stories that you shared remove you from the story development, which means that the essay no longer focuses on your but your parents. So a redirection in the focus of the essay towards your participation in this activity is in order.

Undergraduate / How have your extra-curricular activities contributed to your personal development? [5]

Sun, the CV is the overview of all your credentials for consideration as a student. The essay is the in-depth presentation of certain required facts. Therefore, you should fully explain the extra curricular activity and the club in this essay while keeping an overview or summary in your CV. By doing that, you will allow the reviewer to get an introduction in the CV and more important information in the essay. Add information in the essay that is not completely detailed in the CV. That way, you are able to add information that the CV did not allow you present. As such, your essay becomes a complete representation of the prompt. By the way, no need to thank me. I am happy to help you out in whatever way I can. I hope I will be able to help you get into your university of first choice. Thanks for the trust me and my advice as well.

Graduate / WORKING WITH AUTISTIC CHILDREN. SLP Graduate Program Essay! [11]

It does work this way. However, in my professional opinion, it would be best to make the second paragraph the first one because it clearly states the other career you may have had. Then the current first paragraph becomes the second one and in the process, opens the discussion to show how your career path would have still been in the SLP field, just in different sections of the profession. If you reverse the order, the essay makes more sense because you have the following set up:

1. Response
2. Justification
3. Supporting information
4. Relation of the two career paths to your current profession
5. Concluding statement

So you end up offering a logical career progression with a touch of irony in your essay. Do you think it works for you?

Graduate / WORKING WITH AUTISTIC CHILDREN. SLP Graduate Program Essay! [11]

The thing is Maura, the reviewer only has a limited amount of time to read your essay. He actually only has a few minutes to scan your essay for the proper response before he decides that reading your essay is a waste of time and he has to move on to the next one. Catch his attention by offering the response to the prompt within a minute of reading / scanning the essay. After one minute, his interest will start to wane. So don't wait for that to happen.

I really enjoyed reading your essay as a creative endeavor. As a reviewer however, I found my interest waning and wandering by the end of the second paragraph. That is a bad sign because that means the reviewer will quit reading by the end of the first paragraph. So always offer up the direct prompt response first. Then you can be as creative as you want in the second and succeeding paragraphs if you wish to. The aim of your essay should always be to inform the reviewer in the faster and most informative way at the very start of the conversation.

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay - for the Artificially Intelligent [5]

Aman, Cornell is asking you to provide an extended discussion of your potential thesis paper. Pose the question or AI design that you have in mind for creating for your final year project. Then explain its real world applications. After you give that overview, you can go into a detailed explanation of the cutting edge courses that Cornell offers which, under the tutelage of various notable professors, will allow you to leverage technical problem solving to improve the world we live in. It would be best if you had a solid plan to present instead of your current presentation which is composed of a little bit of everything but without a particular purpose or cause for being. Currently, your explanation delves more on the personal statement side of the discussion rather than the purpose behind your education or the innovative ideas that you can bring with you to Cornell that the university can help you develop and highlight as you near the realization of your dream to become an AI scientist.

Undergraduate / The Emotion Revolution - "Why Yale?" Supplement Essay. [5]

Muhammad, you have chosen to discuss some pretty specific and unique reasons for opting to seek admission to Yale in this response. I find that your interest and advocacy in the LGBT community will help your essay stand out among the applicants. That is because your response does not focus on the location, setting, academic offerings, or athletics of the university. Instead, you have chosen to go for the heart of the university, which is diversity and acceptance of its students. After all, you are all there to learn regardless of your personal side. Therefore, I do not believe that you need to change anything else in this response statement. You should use it as is and offer it up to the reviewer for consideration with your other common app prompts. I believe this is a very strong statement that could make a mark in the reviewer's mind come admissions consideration time.

Undergraduate / Doing School by Denise Pope--Students are caught up in a "grade trap" [3]

Mualla, I am starting to think that you don't need my help anymore. The essays you have been turning out are very well developed and thought out. I think I accidentally create a monster here ! Hahaha! It is refreshing to read an essay from you that does not circle on your choice of majors as a topic for discussion. Excellent work choosing a work of fiction that could have real life parallelisms. As you said, you could identify with the discussion set forth in the book and clearly understood its deeper meaning. I think that it would be best if you don't say "When I go to college..." in the essay. Instead, offer an insight about how the book has helped you become a well balanced high school student who knows how to prioritize studies while not sacrificing relaxation and personal time. Explain the relevance of the realization who you were before you read the book and after you read the book. I know, the word count. Try to write a totally new response to the prompt that focuses on the portions I highlighted above. See if that will help you draft a better version of the response. I'll be here to help. Just sound the alarm!

Undergraduate / How have your extra-curricular activities contributed to your personal development? [5]

Sun, you have really paid attention to the details about how this extra curricular activity has helped you develop a well rounded personality and work ethic that will be of use to you in college. I really like how you detailed all of your participation in the club and went the extra mile to exemplify how you can use these skills later on. However, you have chosen to describe an extra curricular activity that does not go by the simple name of the Red Cross, math club, garden club, etc. So you have some explaining to do in this part. The reviewer needs to have a background regarding the club. What is it all about? Why did you feel that you needed to fund such an organization? Tell him about the objective of the club and your leadership role in it before you get into the detailed explanation so that the reviewer will have clear insight into the club, your activities, and your development within the organization. Right now, you have most of those points covered. A little expansion is all that is needed in the first paragraph to complete the essay. You might need to edit the later parts for content if you go over the word limit though.

Graduate / WORKING WITH AUTISTIC CHILDREN. SLP Graduate Program Essay! [11]

Maura, the part of your essay that properly responds to the prompt does not start until you reach the 4th paragraph. That is what you should have designed as your opening statement because it immediately delivers the answer that is required by the prompt. I am not sure why you felt a need to describe your advocacy to the reviewer in such a detailed manner when you were not being asked for that information. I understand that it relates to your interest in ABA but the presentation accidentally went into reverse. You should have first, explained what career you would have gotten into if you did not get into SLP and then used the explanation about your advocacy and current job to better develop that line of reasoning. Closing the essay using paragraph paragraph 3 would have done so on a strong and relevant note. I hope you still have time to revise the formatting of your essay to make it better suit the requirements of the essay.

Undergraduate / Does my essay adhere to prompt #2 in the common app about failure?How can I meet the word limit? [5]

Mubdi, if you have a physical disability or special needs that has a medical name, then identify it in the essay. That way your words do not come across as the words of a complaining spoiled boy. When yo claim that you are held back by your motor skills delay, explain the cause of the delay. You have to explain if you have a medical condition that caused it because that is a major consideration for the reviewer when considering your application. If you will not be able to function in the same manner a normal college student, the university will have to make accommodations for that. So it would be best if you explain that at the very beginning.

You also need to better show the reviewer how you overcame your obstacles. As of this writing, you have only told the reviewer, in a rushed overview, about how you were frustrated by the shortcomings caused by your motor delay. While the success that you present is notable, there is no backstory as to how you slowly accomplished this. If you are to make this essay more informative, the reviewer will need more information about your condition to consider as part of your application.

Undergraduate / Teaching, Research, Service -- Lehigh and me [8]

Mualla, if i may make a suggestion. You can actually cut the current word count if you will sacrifice your opening statement that discusses the hills that you heard about in relation to exercising on the stairs of Lehigh. It is a throw away paragraph that doesn't really have the same impact upon the reviewer as the successive commonalities description that you have below that. If you delete that, you will have an essay with 281 words in it. Then, if you add my comment as the new opening paragraph, the word count becomes 341. That is with the same closing sentence that you have at the moment. If you develop the essay in that manner, your closing sentence makes more sense because it comes full circle in meeting the discussion of your opening paragraph. Please consider it. I think it will work very well for the essay.

Undergraduate / Barnard - majored in unafraid - The only girl in Computer Science [8]

Mualla, is there any chance that there was a different time in your life when you majored in "unafraid" based upon something that is not related to Math, Computer Science, or STEM? I am only bringing this up because there is already a major redundancy in your essays. All of your topics focus on the same discussion, this can pose a problem because the reviewer can get tired of reading about the same topic over and over and over again in different prompts. He is not getting to know who you are beyond your love for these 3 fields of learning. Each essay you write should strive to try and represent a different part of you when the topic pertains to a common prompt. That means that it is not "major" centered. This is a written interview so you need to shake it up and change your focus every so often. Just as you would in a regular face to face interview.

While this essay is sheer perfection yet again, the reviewer does not see you constantly overcoming any other obstacle except sexual discrimination. We need to avoid boring the reviewer with your topics. If he sees that you have discussed the same topic for 3 or more essays, you are risking him simply skimming the beginning of your essay and not really paying attention to what you have to say anymore because you always say the same thing in 100 different ways.

Sorry if I am blunt about this, but I am trying to improve your chances by showing varying facets to your life experiences, life abilities, and life direction in general. We are overly focused on STEM, Math, and Computer Science at the moment and it could really get tiring , boring, and repetitive for the reviewer to read.

Undergraduate / Teaching, Research, Service -- Lehigh and me [8]

Hi Mualla, I think that the whole presentation of the essay is very good and offers some solid examples of how these commonalities would benefit you as a student at Lehigh. By the way, I noticed that you used the example I gave you. I did not think it was worth adding to your essay because it sounded so silly. Now that I read it as included with the other text, it did add some humor to the serious essay. So that made the essay lighter to read. I'm glad you thought of it.

The concluding paragraph doesn't feel right to me. It doesn't circle back to the commonalities prompt discussion. Is there some way that you can do that? I could try to do it by saying something like:

College life is hard enough with all of the academic demands placed upon a student. Going to college at a university where life will be made a bit easier for me through our common goals and pursuits would remove some of that stress and increase the enjoyment factor of learning for me. I believe that I found that in Lehigh.

Undergraduate / I'd be able to take my knowledge into practice in the real industry; Georgia Tech application [9]

Shraf, your essay has truly come to represent the prompt you were provided at this point. However, I think that you are doing your best to meet the 150 word requirement when it is not necessary that you do so. Provided that you present at least 100 words, the response will come out informative.

Really, you don't need to present such a long introduction at the start of the essay before you get to the actual discussion. The reviewer doesn't need a rehash of what he already knows about the university or why you feel that you will succeed there. That is a redundancy that is found in the other prompt essays that you already wrote.

Instead, just start the essay at " Georgia Tech provides many research opportunities..." That full paragraph will come up to an informative 107 words. More than enough to qualify as a well developed and informative response to the essay prompt.

Undergraduate / The Emotion Revolution - "Why Yale?" Supplement Essay. [5]

Muhammad, Hogwarts parallelism aside, your essay doesn't really deliver a strong reason as to why you have chosen Yale. Discussing how you researched the university doesn't offer much confidence in the reasons as to your decision. If anything, I would have told the reviewer that as a staunch supporter of the LGBT community, you were drawn to Yale because of the Trans@Yale program. Quickly explain how your advocacy ties in with the organization at the university and how you hope to positively contribute to the trans community at Yale and you should have a more effective response in place. I would not use comparisons with Hogwarts and also avoid talking about the structure, location, places, and any general reference to your choice. Those are the usual approaches to this essay and in order to make an impression, your statement has to "pop" within 100 words.

Undergraduate / AI and robotics. Common App Transfer Essay- There isn't any research related to my areas of interest [4]

Hareesh, you don't need to over complicate the essay by telling that anecdote at the start. Just get to the point because the reviewer doesn't have all the time to analyze what you have written. If it won't give him direct information, then don't present it. Try to create a balance in the essay regarding why you want to transfer and why you chose this particular university to transfer to. 80% of what you wrote it all about why you are disgruntled with your university, which is fine, but doesn't really tell the reviewer why you chose to transfer to his university. So, in an effort to present a balanced discussion, use only 50 of the essay to complain about your current university and the other 50%, for explaining why you believe that this change of university is logical and why you feel that you will have more success there. Be objective and talk about how you understand research works at the university and what your research objectives are which will help you become a better student there.

Undergraduate / Never gonna give you up - Cal Tech supplement [2]

Hahaha! Andy, this is one heck of a way to spend your free time. Rickrolling is certainly going to turn you into a master of pranks, one of the more memorable ones at Cal Tech if you manage to get admitted. A reference to FLOTUS Melania Trump rickolling the audience when she gave her speech at the RNC would probably add to the humor of the situation. She rickrolled a whole convention center! Which could probably serve as the basis or explanation for your school wide rickrolling idea. Yeah, I think that will add humor to the situation and make the reviewer anticipate the outcome of your own rickrolling scenario. Try to avoid redundancy in the essay though. Don't close it using the same lyrics to the song. Try to find another line or stanza that would make for a fitting conclusion to your response. I am still laughing while I read what you wrote.

Undergraduate / Reciting a poem backwards. Lehigh. You've just reached your one million hit on your youtube video. [7]

Alex, when you discuss this talent of yours, it is important that the reader understand the kind of audience that your video, based upon this talent is meant for. What is the demographic involved here? Explain how you developed this fan base and then, only after that, can you present the video that went viral for you. That way, the talent and how it developed becomes less important than the actual point of the essay which is "What is the video about?"

In response to the prompt, you actually gave an answer on 2 fronts. The first is "The video is about my talent of speaking backwards." The other is the explanation about who wrote the poem and why it made for an interesting video to present on Youtube. If this is an actual thing that happened, please make sure to mention the number of views, likes, and positive comments that you got. It will help show that there is a real interest in this kind of work. Don't forget to provide the url to your channel in the section that will allow you do that. Just so they can see the talent for themselves.

Undergraduate / She knows what it feels like to be strong in STEM as a female. Barnard [5]

Mualla, at this point, you should make reference to how Katherine Johnson broke the glass ceiling by outperforming men in a field of science that was normally limited to only scientific and math achieving men. That is, the sole purpose of your conversation with her. To find out how she managed to create such an impact in that world so that you can inspire the other women in your country to reach far beyond that world that seems male dominated at this time.

Late on in the essay, imagine what kind of inspiration you might be getting from her words. I am sure you are familiar with the background of this woman so I would like you to insert something inspirational that you know she has said. That you feel all women need to know about and realize the meaning of, in the same way that you did, upon hearing her say it during the talk you had with her. Remember, you heard her say it, you did not read it or get it from any other source. That is what will make this talk all too meaningful and important to you.

I vote for the closing sentence in blue because it brings the discussion around to you. That is always how all your essays have to end, even if it asks you to focus on a different person for majority of the written discussion. You are never going to be the second stringer in these essays. You will always be the prime person involved.

Undergraduate / I'd be able to take my knowledge into practice in the real industry; Georgia Tech application [9]

Shraf, I think that with a max word count of 150, you should opt to discuss only one particular reason that you were drawn to apply for admission to Georgia Tech. That way, you can clearly focus your explanation on the academic reason that you believe your interests will be best served by attending the university. If it were up to me, the response would focus on the Opportunity Research Scholars Program and how you plan to fully utilize the program to benefit you as a student. You already have a strong foundation for the discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. All you have to do is expand on the discussion while deleting the earlier parts of the response. It is best to always consider the method by which you can develop your strongest response in a word limited essay. In all instances, one of the best methods to utilize the word count is to not try to discuss to many topics, which end up under developed and as such, doesn't really help to make your essay stand out as a response.

Undergraduate / Teaching, Research, Service -- Lehigh and me [8]

This is a very well thought out an developed essay Muallah. My apologies for the delay in responding to you. I had a power outage that kept me from getting online till now. I promise to get to all of your essays for review as soon as I can. Don't worry about all the supplements, I am always here and eager to help you out. January 1? Here we come!

In the paragraph where you discuss your commitment to research, I think that you can add some information about how you plan to spend your time doing research on Lehigh either on a continuing project that you have or simply as a voracious student of research who would research anything from how dust settles on the ground to the application of power bank use on non-usb devices. I know, it sounds crazy, I don't know what i am talking about here, but it's just me talking about how you can better reflect your thirst for continued research using Lehigh's facilities. The increased commonality being that the school encourages research and you are one person who appreciates being pushed to follow up on things of interest to you.

In the last paragraph, I am not sure if you really meant to write the world inclusion with the capital LU. Maybe it was a typo? Anyway, I am pointing it out for possible editing and correction. Just in case you missed it.