EF_Team5
May 12, 2008
Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]
OK, 2nd part:
Are you writing this piece from the adoptive parents' point of view, or are you taking a stance on whether adoption is a good choice or not? I'm a little confused as to the stance you are taking so far.
"One leads to adoption because biological parents are deceased, unable to provide financial security, and complete family fulfillment due to infertility. (Remove this as is it redundant-you used this exact wording in the above paragraph.)Them ajority of children and siblings experience grief and loss of biological parents become decease due to an accidental death or in warfront. (I'm not sure what this has to do with the rest of your essay; if you are going to use statistics to make a point, cite a source. If that's not what you're doing here, consider rewriting it for clarity or removing it altogether.) Adoptees experience a loss of family's love, security, and affection (If the child is adopted, why would they be feeling these things?) is a (Remove) very difficult for any children and siblings (Is this necessary, or does "children" adequately cover your subject?) . Biological parents in the early trimesters of pregnancy experience an overwhelming financial strain, especially when a partner leaves the relationship. When the partner leaves the relationship, the non-working mother is left no choice but to adopt their child for providing a better life for them Is this a fact, or an opinion?) . Adopting a child completes the family unit and dreams for couples, who become Adoptive Parents (These are not proper nouns, therefore do not need to be capitalized.) . Infertility affects couples at some time during their reproductive lives (Really? This affects every couple? Cite your source for this information.) . Couples have chosen another way to accomplish their dreams of becoming responsible for displaced children. When infertility treatments don't work or couples don't want to take risk, adoption is important to complete their dreams of happiness while raising an adopted child in a nurturing environment."
I'm a little bit concerned because I thought you were supposed to be relating this essay to The Giver. I saw that only in the very beginning when you were introducing your topic. Also, I'm still not clear as to what your thesis is.
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"The impact on birthmother's psychological affects them for life giving up a child in strangers hands is difficult decision for any mother separation from bonding with her child after birth. (This is a bit too wordy; how about rewriting it to something such as, "The psychological effects on birthmothers of adoption are life-changing. Placing the child that they have bonded with into a stranger's hands effects them very deeply on many levels." Then back this statement up by citing your source for it.) Biological mothers wonder if they can become a good mother while they had their chance, but under circumstances, they had no choice but to give up their child for adoption. (How about, "...would have been good mothers when they had the chance, had they not been forced to give up their child.") In Maureen O'Brien's novel, B-Novel(Refer to your required citation style to see how this book title should be cited. Some formats call for underlining of printed books, others for italics; check your format to make sure you are doing this correctly.) , Hillary Birdsong experience in her dysfunctional family was neglected without any affection (...neglect and little affection.) . At the age of 16 Hillary, who cries out for attention, turns wild and begins to hang out with boys and disobey her household rules. "She met a boy from New York City, vacations in her small town, this boy gives Hillary the attentions she craves (Priff, Nancy, 219-222)." When she found that she was pregnant and mentionsit to the boy from New York, he left (leaves) the relationship. For so long her secret was no longer a secret when abortion was too late, she informs her parents of her pregnancy (This is confusing; was she able to hide it for a long time or not? If no, the sentence should be "Unable to keep her secret a secret for long, she told her family." If she was, it should be "Past the possibility of abortion, Hillary hid her secret as long as she could. Finally, she had to tell her family.") . Her parents didn't want nothing (This is a double negative. Think about it-if they did not want nothing to do with it, that means they did want something to do with it. I do not think this is what you are meaning to say; therefore, the sentence should be "Her parents did not want anything to do with the pregnancy." Also, refrain from using contractions in academic work. to do with her having a baby because of the shame it would bring them. "The whole town is going to think our daughter is a whore. She's making our family look like trash (Priff, Nancy, 219-222)." (Make sure your quotation marks are at the end of the quoted statement, followed by your citation and then the period on the outside of the final ellipse.) Hillary realized there's (...there is, or in this case it should be "there was"...) no way for her to support her baby with her income, (Change to a period.)A lthough she feels strongly in (Change to "about") keeping her baby, she agrees to go to La Rosaria, and place her baby up for adoption. Every year the adoptive parents give Hillary pictures while raising her child in their loving family home (Chose one of these adjectives, but do not use both.) ."
OK, 2nd part:
Are you writing this piece from the adoptive parents' point of view, or are you taking a stance on whether adoption is a good choice or not? I'm a little confused as to the stance you are taking so far.
"One leads to adoption because biological parents are deceased, unable to provide financial security, and complete family fulfillment due to infertility. (Remove this as is it redundant-you used this exact wording in the above paragraph.)Them ajority of children and siblings experience grief and loss of biological parents become decease due to an accidental death or in warfront. (I'm not sure what this has to do with the rest of your essay; if you are going to use statistics to make a point, cite a source. If that's not what you're doing here, consider rewriting it for clarity or removing it altogether.) Adoptees experience a loss of family's love, security, and affection (If the child is adopted, why would they be feeling these things?) is a (Remove) very difficult for any children and siblings (Is this necessary, or does "children" adequately cover your subject?) . Biological parents in the early trimesters of pregnancy experience an overwhelming financial strain, especially when a partner leaves the relationship. When the partner leaves the relationship, the non-working mother is left no choice but to adopt their child for providing a better life for them Is this a fact, or an opinion?) . Adopting a child completes the family unit and dreams for couples, who become Adoptive Parents (These are not proper nouns, therefore do not need to be capitalized.) . Infertility affects couples at some time during their reproductive lives (Really? This affects every couple? Cite your source for this information.) . Couples have chosen another way to accomplish their dreams of becoming responsible for displaced children. When infertility treatments don't work or couples don't want to take risk, adoption is important to complete their dreams of happiness while raising an adopted child in a nurturing environment."
I'm a little bit concerned because I thought you were supposed to be relating this essay to The Giver. I saw that only in the very beginning when you were introducing your topic. Also, I'm still not clear as to what your thesis is.
------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------
"The impact on birthmother's psychological affects them for life giving up a child in strangers hands is difficult decision for any mother separation from bonding with her child after birth. (This is a bit too wordy; how about rewriting it to something such as, "The psychological effects on birthmothers of adoption are life-changing. Placing the child that they have bonded with into a stranger's hands effects them very deeply on many levels." Then back this statement up by citing your source for it.) Biological mothers wonder if they can become a good mother while they had their chance, but under circumstances, they had no choice but to give up their child for adoption. (How about, "...would have been good mothers when they had the chance, had they not been forced to give up their child.") In Maureen O'Brien's novel, B-Novel(Refer to your required citation style to see how this book title should be cited. Some formats call for underlining of printed books, others for italics; check your format to make sure you are doing this correctly.) , Hillary Birdsong experience in her dysfunctional family was neglected without any affection (...neglect and little affection.) . At the age of 16 Hillary, who cries out for attention, turns wild and begins to hang out with boys and disobey her household rules. "She met a boy from New York City, vacations in her small town, this boy gives Hillary the attentions she craves (Priff, Nancy, 219-222)." When she found that she was pregnant and mentionsit to the boy from New York, he left (leaves) the relationship. For so long her secret was no longer a secret when abortion was too late, she informs her parents of her pregnancy (This is confusing; was she able to hide it for a long time or not? If no, the sentence should be "Unable to keep her secret a secret for long, she told her family." If she was, it should be "Past the possibility of abortion, Hillary hid her secret as long as she could. Finally, she had to tell her family.") . Her parents didn't want nothing (This is a double negative. Think about it-if they did not want nothing to do with it, that means they did want something to do with it. I do not think this is what you are meaning to say; therefore, the sentence should be "Her parents did not want anything to do with the pregnancy." Also, refrain from using contractions in academic work. to do with her having a baby because of the shame it would bring them. "The whole town is going to think our daughter is a whore. She's making our family look like trash (Priff, Nancy, 219-222)." (Make sure your quotation marks are at the end of the quoted statement, followed by your citation and then the period on the outside of the final ellipse.) Hillary realized there's (...there is, or in this case it should be "there was"...) no way for her to support her baby with her income, (Change to a period.)A lthough she feels strongly in (Change to "about") keeping her baby, she agrees to go to La Rosaria, and place her baby up for adoption. Every year the adoptive parents give Hillary pictures while raising her child in their loving family home (Chose one of these adjectives, but do not use both.) ."