Undergraduate / An appeal letter for Business Management Admission ! [6]

It sounds from their website as if simply putting in an appeal will not jeopardize your place in your second-choice program, so long as you have formally accepted that offer.

The problem that I see with the appeal as it is written is that you are guessing why they did not accept you into the business track and then pleading against what you suppose was the problem. This gives the whole letter a defensive tone. You assume that the problem in the interview was lack of English skills. What if it was that you appeared over-bearing or over-eager? Then, this letter would just solidify that impression. Is there any way, I wonder, to find out what the interviewer felt your weaknesses were?

Scholarship / 'Bournemouth University has one of the most advance educations in the world' - BU scholarship essay [31]


I don't think you need to add anything. I assume that the full details of any school you attended are listed elsewhere in your application materials.


After finishing school, I went to pursueda career in Computer Engineering.

Writing Feedback / Changed in Everyday Life Caused by New Technology [4]

I see that you are still working on basic grammar and sentence structure. Pay close attention to verb tenses, and keep your sentences as short as possible in order to avoid getting tangled up in them.

I'll tackle the first paragraph and let other forum members and contributors jump in on the others.

Everyone knows about the important changes that happened after the appearance of modern technology in our lives . BeforeM any years ago,there was a difficulty in communicating between each othertravel was difficult , because there were no cars, trains, and airplanes. So everyone who needed to go to another place would take a long time before he arrived there.but nowT he new invention of technology it ismade communication between people more easier in several ways.

Writing Feedback / Prescribed drugs and its various effects on the body and mind [8]

I see a problem with organization. Besides not being broken into paragraphs, the second chunk of text meanders from point to point without a clear purpose or method of organization. Try jotting down a word or phrase for each point that you want to make and then use outlining or mapping to put them into some sort of logical order.

Writing Feedback / Should university studies be subsidized? [9]

I notice that you don't get to the specific question of public funding for university education until the third paragraph. Since that (rather than the importance of education in general) is the focus of the essay, you should get to it sooner. Throughout the essay, you ought to provide examples of the benefits of university education rather than education in general.

Undergraduate / i need a little guidance on my admission essay..am i on the right track ? [5]

The description of the event that starts this piece is very strong, and the piece as a whole does answer the prompt very nicely. I notice, however, that the vivid prose that begins the piece does not carry through. You start with a unique and emotional story but end with dully phrased truisms. Rewrite the whole last paragraph, ruthlessly excising phrases like "implement my leadership skills" and replacing them with the kind of lively and highly individual writing with which you started the piece.

Writing Feedback / Single career or several careers? Both have negatives and positives [4]

I see a couple of problems here. First, there's no clear thesis. You just ramble on about various aspects of having multiple careers, not even fully addressing the question of the prompt.

Next, your sentences are sometimes so wordy as to inhibit understanding. For example:
Having single career or several careers is a case with many issues, which has both negative and positive aspects.
What does "a case with many issues" mean? How is "having single career or several careers" a "case" anyway? I think maybe you are simply trying to say that having multiple careers rather than a single career has both positive and negative aspects, but that gets lost in the jumble.

Moreover, it sounds like the prompt wants you to explain why having multiple jobs is becoming the new norm, thereby demonstrating your awareness of the factors that contribute to that trend, and then go on to explain what that trend means for individuals.

Undergraduate / "Recognizing my mistake and a way to fix it" - help me with the repetition :) [5]

Generally, the frequent use of "I" in a first person narrative is not considered repetition. But I see that you do, in fact, insert the "I" more than necessary. I'll give a couple of examples and let others jump in to offer others.

Sometimes , I saw some neighbors jogging andI said "hello" to all of them.

That morning I went to the doctor; he said I was shocked bymy symptoms were due to the sudden change in temperature, not a brain illness.

Undergraduate / An appeal letter for Business Management Admission ! [6]

Have you consulted with an adviser at this school concerning the wisdom of writing such a letter? There's a fine line between persistence and impertinence; you wouldn't want to start your career there by crossing it. Nor do you want to give them the impression that you are so disinclined to study information systems that you will be a resentful and unmotivated student in that program. Has anybody in the administration given you the impression that a letter like this has any chance of success?

Undergraduate / Success could be measured by outcome, effects, or the influences one makes [3]

The message of this piece gets lost in the extra verbiage.

For example:
I have been always a huge fan of Powerpuff Girls when I was younger, and I've always wanted to be the forth Powerpuff.

Here "I have always" and "when I was younger" are redundant and also somewhat contradictory, as "when I was younger" is included in "always" but suggests that the wish is past, rather than continuing. Either way, the sentence is repetitive.

Go through the whole piece, setting yourself the challenge of saying only what you absolutely must say in as few words as possible. Post your revision for further feedback.

Scholarship / 'Bournemouth University has one of the most advance educations in the world' - BU scholarship essay [31]

This is much stronger than when you began. We do get a sense of your personality as well as your skills. Your skills appear strong and you also can contribute to the diversity the school seeks.

It was also presented at the Gaming Developer's Conference at San Francisco.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

From what I know of you, I'm not surprised you didn't like it the first time and suspect you won't like it again. On the other hand, it can sometimes be fun to read outside of one's preferences, as (paradoxically) one's distance from the work sometimes allows one to see what about it is compelling to to others.

Undergraduate / The direction I want to take my education; UWashington Bothell - PS/software systems [8]

In general, "kid" should be avoided.

And I agree. You're ready to send it in, which I expect you already have.

Writing Feedback / Paper about an important movie [9]


Please don't feel disappointed in yourself!! Your English is very strong for someone who is still learning. Even native speakers very frequently write essays with many, many grammatical errors. It's all a matter of learning from trial and error.

Essays / Having trouble with understanding an essay ("Is This the Promised End?") [10]

That's your choice, of course. For what it's worth, I've found that student fears that other people will steal their work are largely unfounded.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

It's a very quirky work of fiction. If you like it, you love it. But if it doesn't seize you, you set it down. If you liked the musical enough to choose a character's name for your forum name, I suspect you'd love the novel. It's available used via internet even if it wasn't published in your country.

Scholarship / 'Bournemouth University has one of the most advance educations in the world' - BU scholarship essay [31]


I know that my suggestions alone removed more than 20 words, and Sean suggested another cut. I meant my suggestions as examples. What you need to do is look at what I did there and then apply the same principle of cutting unneeded words and phrases to every single sentence. There may be some whole sentences you can cut, but most of your reductions will come from paring sentences down rather than cutting them altogether.

For example:
"I want to give back the society more than I have received is more or less what I have in mind ."

Undergraduate / 'trauma patient emergency care' - Supplement essay medical school [17]

"Hang on in there," I softly reassured him .

Writing Feedback / Comparing Brutus's and Mark Antony's rhetoric in Julius Caesar [3]

I also notice that you seem to be arguing that Mark Antony has the better rhetoric because the crowd responds to him more favorably. While it's certainly true that the only true test of persuasive speech is whether it, in fact, persuades, what your teacher wants to know is why Antony was more successful and what, if anything, Shakespeare means to say about rhetoric and persuasion by this example.

At present, your introduction reflects this wider concern, but your conclusion does not. So, in addition to providing more detail in your rhetorical analysis of each speech, be sure to return to the wider question of persuasion in the play in or just before your conclusion.

Undergraduate / "My Mom" - help with most influential person essay. [5]

Other than the trite "lovely lady," you've not described your mother at all. The essay is all about you and what you learned from your mother. If the essay is supposed to be about the influential person, you have to write about your mother herself. If she has been such a positive influence, use this as an opportunity to focus your attention on who she is other than just your mother.

Writing Feedback / "Cellular Phones" - need someone proof read my paper [9]

That's not your thesis statement. It's a statement of fact so mundane that it need not be said. Your thesis is not that some consumers see cell phones positively while other people see them negatively. Your thesis is that the ubiquity of cell phones has both positive and negative aspects. Find a way to say that in your own words somewhere within your introductory paragraph.

Essays / Essay about why the 4th of july is celebrated? [7]

This is a strong essay that begins weakly. I'd take your last line and use it as your first.

I notice a tendency to phrase your sentences passively. This detracts from the power of your prose.

For example...
Emerging was the idea of a republic form of government, in which power came from the people, rather than a repressive monarch. Thomas Paine's influential pamphlet, "Common Sense," was read by a large audience in the colonies.

Instead...
The idea of a republic form of government, in which power came from the people, rather than a repressive monarch, began to emerge. Many colonists read Thomas Paine's influential pamphlet, "Common Sense."

Essays / Having trouble with understanding an essay ("Is This the Promised End?") [10]


Yes, the essay is really quite surprising to me in its impenetrability. Oates generally writes much more clearly. Though she also writes under (who knows how many) other names and deliberately different styles. I wonder if that's what she was doing here, playing with the conventions of the lit crit genre?

Undergraduate / The place we come from determines the person - UC admission essay [9]

Right. And, more and more within composition studies -- especially in California -- there is an emphasis on place. So, I really do believe that attending more closely to place itself will, in addition to bringing the essay in line with its introduction, produce a piece more likely to gain you admission to UC.

Scholarship / 'Bournemouth University has one of the most advance educations in the world' - BU scholarship essay [31]

First, congratulations: This is so much stronger than when you began. The details make all the difference!

Now, as you say, it's just a matter of cutting it down to size, which we can do by eliminating excess words and phrases.

For example...

In retrospect I see that my academic career has proceeded in the best possible way so far.

In my undergraduate studies, I have benefited from the breadth ofThe Maharashtra Institute of Technology's syllabi content that hasgave me a comprehensi exposure and a strong practical and conceptual understanding of computer science.

Besides these, I love playing sports and have been a part of manyof theextra-curricular activities since school .

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

The play was conceived from the novel. If you like the play so much, you would probably enjoy the book even more.

Writing Feedback / "Cellular Phones" - need someone proof read my paper [9]


I second that emotion.

Writing Feedback / True Friendship Essay (living without friends) [12]

Our friendshipsischange as we grow up, especially during the teen years, which are a time of physical, emotional, and social growth and change.

For example, my best friend is the person with whom I feel most comfortable in the world (not including my family).

I agree with Sean that your essay grows stronger as it progresses. The description of your best friend is very touching, as is your conclusion. Go back and write your introduction with the same kind of specificity and feeling.

Writing Feedback / Paper about an important movie [9]

The content of this essay is fine, although somewhat repetitive. You do answer the prompt adequately. In order to make the essay less repetitive, give some more details about your own situation. For example, tell the story of a specific encounter when your lack of English led you to feel as the characters in the movie did.

Your grammatical errors do not detract from your meaning, but still must be corrected in order to give a better impression. I notice, especially, that you go back and forth between present tense and past tense when describing the plot of the movie. When recounting the story of a book or a movie, it's fine (and very effective) to use present tense, but you must take care to maintain it. It's less powerful, but easier, to use past tense throughout. Either way, you must choose one and then stay with it.

Graduate / Essay on different programmes (English, Finance, Global Studies) [4]

The chief problem with the essay as a whole is that it is in one big paragraph. That makes it difficult to read. I suspect that, as you try to break the essay into paragraphs, you will discover its structural weaknesses.

Here are a few specific fixes you can make while breaking the essay into paragraphs:


What programs? The word "these" suggests that you are referring back to something you've said before. But, since this is your first sentence, what "these" programmes might be is unclear.


It is so rarely appropriate to start a sentence with "and" that it's probably best to avoid doing so altogether.

"Currently I reside in Sweden, where the English level among its inhabitants is quite impressive."

"The majority of Swedish people would never use a dictionary or phrasebook..."

I notice, in general, that you often omit articles (a, an, the), so get into the habit of proofreading for that.

Writing Feedback / "Cellular Phones" - need someone proof read my paper [9]

Thank you for your candor in describing your weaknesses. I'm sure everyone will be kind and recognize that you are doing your best to make up for deficits that are not your fault.


Epidemic? Are you sure that's the word you want? If the tone is to be neutral, this transgresses that rule because "epidemic" has a very negative connotation.

Punctuation is a problem. For example:
Over the past decade, cell phones have gone through numerous technological advances. These developments have left some consumers wondering, "w hat will they think of next?"


This is a sentence fragment. Also, the question mark is not warranted.

I'll let others jump in with other suggestions and fixes.

Essays / Essay about why the 4th of july is celebrated? [7]

Yes, please do tell us more about the scope and purpose of the assignment.

Undergraduate / Imagine a life entirely different from the one you now lead, what would it be? [6]

I don't think you made a mess! You wrote from your passion, which is always where strong writing begins. If you work from that start, as I suggested or in some other way, then you will end up with an essay that stands out from the crowd because it speaks from the heart about something that truly matters to the writer.

Writing Feedback / GRE analytical writing ..TOPIC (the need for global universities.) [4]

If this is to demonstrate your abilities in the realm of analytical writing, you will need to offer more details and more sophisticated ideas. The ideas in the essay as it stands are fine, but rudimentary.

You'll also need to clean up your punctuation and phrasing, both in order to make your meaning more clear and to demonstrate advanced writing ability.

Start by capitalizing the beginnings of your sentences. This is such a basic rule. The capital, in coordination with the period and space that precedes it, helps to signal the start of a new sentence and, hence, a new thought.

Also don't just string together phrases -- some complete sentences, others not -- with commas. This:
These Global universities can be hubs for knowledge sharing, students from a developing country can learn from these global universities ,knowledge which is not available in their home countries .

Should be this:
These g lobal universities can be hubs for knowledge sharing; students from a developing countries can learn from these global universities, accessing knowledge which is not available in their home countries.

Notice that I have also removed the spaces between words and the punctuation marks that follow them.

Writing Feedback / No Driving Licenses for People Under 18 - Argumentation/ Persuasion Essay [4]

Here's an idea for your conclusion: The state of New Jersey recently raised the minimum age for getting a license from 16 to 17 and, if I am recalling recent news stories about the anniversary of this change correctly, has obtained the desired drop in accidents. You could find one of those new stories and cite this as an example of a successful application of the principles from which you are arguing.

Student Talk / Eye surgery messed up my grades and I couldn't attend the dates of the exams (second chance appeal) [14]


Good! Let us know how it goes. Also, it's "he/she and I" not "him/her and me" because the two of you are the subject rather than the object of the clause.

Undergraduate / My UCF undergraduate admissions essay...I am dying to go here critiques? [6]

Still, your lead is weak. What, I wonder, makes you want to start with such a dull and uninformative statement? Most college applicants are relatively fortunate. Again, think of what makes you stand out from the crowd. What skills, experiences, characteristics, or talents will contribute to the life of the campus community? What will you do with your degree that will contribute to the wider community?

The problem, as I see it, is that you've got the "hard luck story" model of essay in your mind and, since you don't have a hard luck story, you feel compelled to harp on the degree to which you are fortunate. Set that model aside and write an entirely new, fresh, vivid essay that focuses on what you will bring to and do with your education at UCF. Start, for example, with a story from your volunteer work or a quotation that summarizes your attitude toward life.

Undergraduate / Imagine a life entirely different from the one you now lead, what would it be? [6]

I think that you can work from what you have to answer the question, by envisioning a world in which nature is preserved rather than destroyed -- What changes in thinking, feeling, and/or behavior would be needed to make that world real? How might your own participation in nature photography help to bring that different world into being?

Writing Feedback / "Going overseas for the university" essay [7]


Excellent image!

Book Reports / my essay on King lear's progress in Act 2 from denial to rage to isolation [14]

Congratulations! You deserve that great grade after so much hard work!