Undergraduate / Skills Test Essay Seneca college (fall 2009) [6]

For a skill test given by a college, you might prepare by looking at essay topics from standardized tests at the same level that have been widely written about. So, for instance, you might start by looking at TOEFL or SAT essay topics. Even if they aren't exactly the same, in practicing them you will be improving the right skill set for the test you have to take.

Undergraduate / FSU addmissions essay ("I believe your University will give me the knowledge") [10]

Assuming you are dedicating your entire essay to exploring how big a role Vires plays in your life, go ahead and write your second paragraph. When you are done, go back and delete your first one. Then, chances are good you will have a strong intro to your essay. If you are planning on cycling through all three virtues, though, then you should careful not only to revise your existing paragraph according to Simone's excellent advice, but to apply the principles underlying that advice to your first draft of your other body paragraphs as you write them.


Careful -- unlike in MS Word, simply clicking the italics button with your cursor in a word in your posts won't work; you have to highlight the word first. I've made this mistake myself a couple of times, so you have my sympathies.

Grammar, Usage / When you notice errors in news articles routinely... [5]

Actually, the author almost certainly meant "defuse". He probably did not mean to say that tensions between Israel and the U.S. should be "diffused," that is spread out (i.e. lessened between those two countries but increased between others). He did, however, mean to say that the tensions should be lessened, period. As "defuse" means, among other things, "to lessen tension," "defuse" would have been correct, if a tad cliche. That the level of tension was not very high to begin with, in comparison to America's tensions with many other countries, is irrelevant. Thus, "diffuse" is not a poor choice so much as a wrong one, whereas "defuse" would have been perfectly correct.

Grammar, Usage / Tasteful Thank You [11]

If you want to be social, but don't feel like you have anything to thank him for, you could just send him a letter or email saying you were glad he came to your party, and that you hope to see him more often. The idea of formal thank you notes is to maintain social ties anyway, rather than to express genuine gratitude.

Writing Feedback / CBEST Essay using technology prompt [8]

You are of course using "mankind" correctly, in what is the first listed sense of the word in just about any dictionary, so I am not sure why anyone would insist you use it only in its secondary sense. (Okay, I know why, but see no reason to encourage such foolishness. And it is foolishness. "Man" meant "person" before it meant "male person," and adopted both meanings over time as a result of the word that originally meant "male person" being dropped from the language. Objections that the term is sexist arise therefore from ignorance of etymologies commingling with a desire take offense.)

Apart from that, Simone's advice is dead on -- you need to avoid overusing the same word too close together or too often:

"A trip across the US from the east coast to California in 1849 took about three months by sea and about 5 months by land. It was a long, difficult and dangerous trip . The same trip now only takes about 6 hours all while sitting in the comfort of sleek airliner."

Either combine sentences or use synonyms to strengthen your writing.

Grammar, Usage / Vocab: Martinet [12]

Depends too, on your level of vocabulary to begin with. A site meant to improve the vocabulary of an ESL student isn't going to be useful to a native speaker with a university degree who just wants to improve his or her vocabulary, for instance. Reading widely is a great approach, because you get a sense of how the word is used in context, which can help you to determine shades of meaning that might not be obvious simply from reading a dictionary definition. Reading the dictionary helps, too. I don't mean that you should read it from beginning to end, of course, but flipping through it and reading words that interest you will build your vocabulary. The words you learn, though, might not be that useful. Mostly, it is a matter of becoming a word collector, of looking up and committing to memory all new words, even if you don't really need to look up a new word to understand the passage you are reading. Also, don't forget to use the vocabulary you build. Doing so may cost you -- speaking with clear signs of education regularly will guarantee outsider status with many groups of people -- but skills which are not practiced wither.

For fun:

Some interesting words I have learned from reading widely:
eleemosynary
prolix

Some interesting words I have picked up from the dictionary:
dybbuk
eyas
zucchetto
yataghan
darshan
atramentaceous
energumen

The list of interesting words from the dictionary is longer, but the percentage of words that I've actually seen used in real writing repeatedly is much lower. Both of the words on the first list have come up a few times since I first learned them. Only a couple from the second list have. Still, going by number of words learned that turned out to be useful, rather than by percentages, the second list comes up about the same.

Undergraduate / "Comrade Hu and passion for languages" - College Admissions Essay Introduction [13]

Starting a narrative in the middle of the action is a time honored introductory technique for catching the reader's interest. It's called starting in media res. The conclusion should definitely show something positive about you, though. You are trying to sell yourself in this essay, and your inability to speak Chinese well is not a great selling point.

Writing Feedback / Cultural psychology short paper [9]

That would indeed be an even better approach. I would suggest you revise the essay, saying everything you say now in about 2/3 the word count, and organizing it according to Simone's suggestion. Then post the new draft for more feedback.

Writing Feedback / Australian Gold Rush: Introduction writing [16]

Hey Notoman, thanks for mentioning the plagiarism detector. I knew such software existed, but I didn't know there was a free version available.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

Certainly. Search Google Books for "randomness quantum theory." It is mentioned on p.474 of this text, for instance: books.google.ca/books?id=88U6hdUi6D0C&pg=PA474&dq=ran domness+quantum+theory

I think that's a side point, though, in that text. This one books.google.ca/books?id=pwrBp3ZGaUYC&pg=PA2&dq=rando mness+quantum+theory&client=firefox-a seems to go into it more directly.

The nature of randomness in quantum physics is hotly debated, but everyone agrees that it appears random. Whether it really is, or whether this appearance is an illusion created by our lack of understanding of as yet undiscovered variables, is much less clear, though.

Writing Feedback / Cultural psychology short paper [9]

Prefer the active to the passive voice. So, instead of

"Lenore is the person whom I have interviewed in describing her family meal."

try

"I interviewed Lenore to find out how she would describe her family meal."

Also, try to be concise and to use strong verbs. So, instead of

"This family dinner is regularly scheduled which most of the family members are present. However, it is not a big deal if some of the family members are not able to join. Moreover, her grandparents, cousins and other relatives also join this family gathering on Friday night."

try

"Grandparents, cousins and other extended family members all participate in this regularly scheduled meal, if no other plans keep them away."

For more on using stronger verbs, read this:

Writing Feedback / The Advantages of Capital Punishment-- very short essay -- [6]

For the organization, start by defining capital punishment. The U.S. implementation of the death penalty, for instance, is very different from, say, China's implementation of it. What sort of system of capital punishment are you talking about? What are its key features? This is especially important because you are arguing in favor of capital punishment. If you were arguing against it, you might be able to get away with making a moral case against ever killing convicted criminals, but if you are arguing for it, you need to specify what sort of system you support.

If you are going to argue that capital punishment is a deterrent, you will need to look at how crime rates vary among nations with and without the death penalty, and see what correlations you can find.

You should probably play up the notion that capital punishment does wonders for the recidivism rate, too. You sort of mention this near the end of your essay, but it is one of the strongest arguments in favor of the death penalty, and deserves a more in-depth treatment.

Book Reports / "The Catcher in the Rye" and "Igby Goes Down" essay [3]

Well, I'd suggest writing about how "both The Catcher in the Rye and Igby Goes Down demonstrate that regardless of context, youth will always non-conform."

If you need help getting started, you could always try brainstorming ideas by writing down various definitions of non-conformism (think, for example, of the concept of the fashionable non-conformist). You might then start writing down ways in which the protagonists of the works engage in non-conformist behavior, according to your definition of the term. Then, you might look at the context in which these behaviors occur, and see if any patterns emerge that you could talk about as the basis of an essay.

Letters / help with my cover letter, response to job offer for a retail sales clerk [4]

"I have more than just the required experience, am a hard worker and have good organization skills."

So you say. But then, anyone can say this. Probably, every other applicant has said this. Can you show them that this is true? Do you have anecdotes or even lists of accomplishments that would show that you are a hard worker, or that you have good organizational skills? And, once you have shown that this is really true, can you then explain how you would apply your organizational skills to the job you are applying for? If you can do these things, you will be well on your way to address the concerns Simone raised about your letter.

You don't need to explain why an employer should hire a foreign worker. You need to explain why they should hire you. If you can find a way to make your experiences in Germany relevant to answering that question, then of course that is a bonus. But really, why would any company want an employee who speaks at least two languages, is familiar with multiple cultures, and is looking for work in an industry that involves dealing with a wide range of customers? Wait a minute . . . .

As to what the company would have to do if they offer you a job, that's the sort of thing you can write to them about after you have the offer. At this point, you should omit those sections from your letter.

Essays / How can i outline the the main features of my topic without listing them? [3]

What's wrong with listing them? That's usually how your introduction would go -- a thesis statement followed by a summary of your main points, which will read like a list. You can dress it up a bit so it doesn't sound so much like a list, but it will still tend to be, at core, a very list-like set of sentences. Why don't you write up a draft of your intro, and post it here? That way we can help you make sure your style flows nicely.

Undergraduate / The importance of Register in Marketing professions [7]

The question really, really doesn't make sense. I was wondering if there was a concept of "register" in marketing that might allow the question to be interpreted meaningfully, but as near as I can tell, there isn't.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

Or unless you start studying quantum theory, which describes the world as essentially, fundamentally random at its very roots. Of course, many scientists believe that variables will one day be discovered that will restore a deterministic cause and effect worldview, but that hasn't happened yet.

Writing Feedback / Australian Gold Rush: Introduction writing [16]

Which website? The parts I've googled don't come up.

Essays / Narrative Essay - having lunch with any famous person [7]

Oh, in that case, taking an interesting approach that makes you stand out is definitely a good idea. Just make sure you implement it well.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

You have a very odd view of the world. There is nothing much inconsistent between believing in evolution and having a dim view of religion. Nor did I say that anyone who believes in religion is an idiot. The part you ellipsed out, of course, involved me assigning that designation to members of various cults, a la Heaven's Gate. My point was that members of such groups are generally viewed (including by me) as brainwashed fools. I further added that there was no qualitative difference between the beliefs of these groups and the beliefs of mainstream religions. Rather, the difference is quantitative -- with enough supporters, any cult turns into a religion. I deliberately avoided stating the conclusion that this meant that any religious person was therefore also a brainwashed fool, because that is not something I believe, any more than I believe that just because a single termite, or even a small group of termites, is dead stupid, that therefore a termite colony of thousands of members is too. If you leaped to a different conclusion based on what I had written, well, as I said earlier, I have noticed that people tend to project their self-doubts into the minds of others.

Also, I notice that evolution hasn't been mentioned in this thread. Moreover, many religions accept evolution, and don't view it as a threat or as incompatible with their holy books. Your insistence on bringing it up strikes me as odd, therefore, as it seems to have nothing to do with the topic at hand. If you disagree with the theory of evolution, as your posts in this and other threads would seem to indicate, feel free to post the reasons for your views in the thread I created from debate I got into with Nicholas.

Writing Feedback / Yet another CBEST Essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in life [4]

The essay seems pretty good for a 45 minute job. You have some minor grammar and spelling issues, but they don't detract from the reader's ability to follow your points. The organization is standard, and you answer the prompt well enough. Was this the same topic you wrote on for one of the tests you failed?

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]

You might want to read this article: https://essayforum.com/grammar-13/importance-choosing-strong-verbs-6143/ and then revise your essay according to what you learn from it.

Letters / Cover letter to a Screening Committee; Network Support Specialist [4]

I believe the term is "boilerplate." Your writing is decent enough, grammatically and stylistically, but everything you say is so standard and predictable as to be not worth reading. So, as I often advise people writing this sort of essay, deal more in specifics than in generalities.

"Furthermore, my work experience has bestowed upon me many skills that can be a great benefit to your organization"

Such as?

"For instance, I assisted my clients in expanding their knowledge of computers."

How?

"Consequently, I have become a more effective communicator"

In what way?

"My problem solving skills have been further developed;"

As evidenced by . . .

"I can more easily use my knowledge to diagnose and resolve computer and network issues."

Such as? And can you give an example?

Essays / Narrative Essay - having lunch with any famous person [7]

Ask your teacher. I can't imagine most teachers would be at all opposed to a student taking a creative approach to a topic like this, but it is best to make certain, and only your teacher can tell you for certain if this will be acceptable to him/her.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

I'm not saying that people believe what they believe for a purpose, only that beliefs tend to fulfill certain purposes, which is why they get passed on. For instance, there is a reason many people believe in an afterlife, or that reality is an illusion, whereas only a few believe that giant scorpion-heads are using us as puppets. All three beliefs are equally valid (or invalid, as the case may be) as all three are essentially unprovable assertions. The belief in an afterlife, and a God, are both perfectly explicable as evolutionary phenomena. I was merely curious why a essentially non-religious form of spiritual belief, that seemed far more complicated than a belief only in a continuation of existence after death, and that contradicted most of what we know about the world through our senses, would be well-adapted enough to survive in a jungle of competing ideas. Rajiv's last post explained that to me rather nicely. That he meant to criticize the reason he proposed, and credited me with already having thought of it, is beside the point.

Put another way, it is easy for someone who is not particularly religious to view religious belief as a sustained form of self-deception, because really, it involves a person insisting on believing something that they have no reason to believe, unless the reason be psychological. That's an oversimplification, though. Some people merely absorb religious ideas from their environment, picking them up from parents, teachers, and friends. In such case, even the most ridiculous, cult-like beliefs may become something that they are too invested in to be able to abandon them. Remember, though, that the only difference between a wacky cult in which a bunch of idiots have surrendered their critical thinking skills, and a religion, is the number of people who have accepted the beliefs. No one takes the former sorts of beliefs seriously, except for people we view as needing help. Billions accept some form of the latter sort of belief, but how can one who does not take them any more seriously?

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

Oh dear. Text is such a horrible medium when you need tone of voice. I wasn't being particularly sarcastic in my last post, though I see how it could come across that way. I really did find Rajiv's last post thought-provoking. The thoughts it provoked are probably not the ones he hoped it would, but I still find that encountering a perspective so different from my own is teaching me a lot.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

Note that in such cases, the odds may actually lie in other direction. True randomness is hard to come by. If something that is supposed to be random seems to favor a particular result, it may well be that the device itself is flawed in a way that means it does actually favor that result. Obviously not that applicable to coin tosses. Nor should one bet large sums of money on this being the case in any particular situation.

Undergraduate / Master' s Degree in Social Work - admission essay [3]

You describe yourself and your accomplishments in vague, general terms that are utterly unmemorable. Deal in specifics if you want the admissions people to take your essay seriously. For instance:

"I got an opportunity to come across different underprivileged adolescents, especially those with a history of behavioral and emotional problems." Describe some of these adolescents, the problems they had, how you helped them, what you learned from them. Tell a gripping story that makes the reader want to keep reading.

"I believe that this subject would be invaluable in helping me achieve the objectives in my life. " What objectives are these? And how will the subject help you?

"My experience has helped me to understand the different facts of living" How? Again, specific, detailed narratives are good.

"During my work period I got an opportunity to closely observe every political, criminal and social issues of my country. All these experiences have given me valuable insight into the academic course that I want to enroll in." See above.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - modern society has become more complex, so it is essential for the young people [10]

Cut ruthlessly:

"There are one thousand Hamlets in one thousand people's eyes. As we see, this issue-it is essential for the young people to have the ability to plan and organize-is a complex one, requiring subjective judgment, and So different are personal experiences and emotional concerns among individuals that people from diverse cultures might hold unique perspectives from one another.In my opinion, I am in strong agreement with this point of view ."

There we go. The opening preamble is gone, as is the utterly useless last sentence. We know that what you have said is your opinion, and that you agree with it. It is your essay, after all. Likewise:

"First of all, it goes without saying that planning and organisation abilities can assist students master their time effectively." If it goes without saying, why are you saying it? Either you don't mean it, and should cut the phrase, or you do mean it, and should get rid of the entire sentence.

If you choose to cut the above quoted sentence entirely, then you can revise this sentence thusly:

"In other words, Students who plan their study schedule and organise their personal events tend to be more efficient than those who don't.never plan or organise. "

The more you cut without losing your meaning, the stronger your writing will be.

Letters / Letter to Superintendent re: extending high school to 5 years [4]

Issues of grammar aside, your essay is utterly unconvincing, and I say that as someone who agrees with your position. In fact, after reading your essay, and Simone's response, I actually find myself doubting my original opinion. When you can't even convince people who agree with you, you're in trouble.

You need to come up with better reasons for your opinion. Unfortunately, you've picked the side that is more difficult to defend. The idea of extending high school is good in theory, but flawed in practice. They used to have an extra year of high school in the province where I currently live, but I've yet to find anyone who went through the system who came out of it better prepared for university that me and my friends, who were raised in a system without that extra year. High school, indeed, school from K-12, is a mess, especially if one is dealing with public schools. They have much in common with prisons (by design, as it turns out, rather than by accident), are forced to teach to the lowest common denominator, and have been ravaged by experiments in "progressive" education. Understanding and explaining this, though, is somewhat more difficult than simply singing the praises of giving kids additional education.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

But words aren't malapropisms, or indeed any other form of mis-usage, if they are being used as they are defined. So, once a usage has become common enough that the dictionary lists it as a standard meaning, then that is in fact a correct way to use the word, quite literally by definition. If a usage is still listed as "non-standard," as is the case with "irregardless," then you can rightfully look down your nose at people who use it with some justification. Otherwise, you're just being a stuffy old (or in some cases young) snob.

In any event, this thread is getting off-topic. So, a logical fallacy:

The Loaded Question (also known as the Fallacy of Complex Questions or the Fallacy of Many Questions): This fallacy involves condensing two or more questions into one, so that any answer signals acceptance of a premise that may be disagreed with.

Example: Have you stopped torturing small animals yet?

Either a "yes" or a "no" answer involves accepting the premise that you have, at some time, tortured small animals.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Technology today has been positive or negative impact? [16]

Here are some more fixes and suggestions:

"Technology has become a part of our lives. Peoplethat we use that every day to solve problems at work and home."

"Internet and computers, satellites and telescopes, or ships and submarines are just a few examples where without technology none of these were possible." Actually, these are examples of technology, not things made possible by technology. Well, I suppose they are both, but because they are the former describing them as the latter sounds wrong.

"Fifty years ago this couldn't have happened as easily and efficiently as now." What does the "this" refer to, exactly?

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

Ah. It's your way of making yourself feel culturally superior in the face of inequalities of wealth and technological advancement that would otherwise make a belief in cultural superiority difficult. Okay, fair enough. It hadn't actually occurred to me that such spirituality was some people's "mechanism for coping with their unequal destiny". Indeed, if it had, I wouldn't have had to have asked you why you believed as you did, as I would already have thought I had the answer. Your meditations rarely touch on social inequalities, and so it could not have occurred to me to think that such inequalities were the basis of your beliefs. I have noticed, though, that people are always very quick to project their doubts about themselves into the minds of others. In any event, your explanation is perfectly satisfactory. More than that, in fact -- the more I think about what you have written in your last post, the more though provoking I find it. Could it be that, once the people suffering from social inequalities (and you admit that it is a struggle, a process of suffering) convince themselves that they really have the better deal, then they have every reason to accept and perpetuate those inequalities, rather than striving to overcome them? The question isn't rhetorical, btw -- I'm essentially thinking aloud at this point. We start from such different places that we are unlikely to ever see eye to eye on spiritual matters, but conversing with you has taught me much, nonetheless, if only by giving me such strange material to mull over.

Research Papers / Your way of writing 10 or more pages research paper (univ or college level) [10]

You do research so that you learn a lot about the topic. Then you have plenty of points to draw on when you start writing the essay. You seem to want to reverse this process, and come up with a thesis and outline before doing your research. That will indeed make life difficult for you. Research first, then outline. As for the articles blurring together, there are several things you can do to combat that. Take notes on each article, for instance, noting where it overlaps with or contradicts others you have read. Break down the arguments made for or against different points of view, and decide for yourself which ones are stronger. As you learn more about the topic, and think critically about what you have read, you will likely find that you want to participate in the discourse yourself. This gives you a place to start with your essay writing.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

Hence my original point. Once a word usage has been officially accepted into the dictionary, it is just that, official. Insisting on the original usage at that point is mere snobbery, even among the upper echelon of society. My complaint wasn't about the process per se -- that's how languages evolve, but about the speed with which Americans engage in it. The pace of change in a language should be kept as slow as possible. The faster a language changes in one area of the world, the sooner it will become incomprehensible to people in another part of it who would otherwise still share a common tongue.

Btw, no one will think you are stupid if you pronounce it "fawrtey," given that the pronunciation is now considered standard (though the original is still acceptable too). Likewise, the notion that decimating something involves destroying a tenth of it is well on its way to being obsolete, so using it in its common sense is perfectly fine.

Writing Feedback / Australian Gold Rush: Introduction writing [16]

I'm more than curious -- you've written an entire research paper on a historical period without a single citation. That could get you in serious trouble. Even if you've paraphrased your sources, you should make sure you are giving them the credit they deserve.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

I understand what you believe. What I can't for the life of me figure out is why you believe it. What purpose does it serve to believe as you do? What problems can it solve? How does it make living your life any easier? I can understand the purpose of a religion, even if I am not particularly religious. I can even understand the purpose of creating a more abstract sense of spirituality, if it is compatible with what we know of the world. But I can't figure out why one would choose to believe in a non-religious, abstract form of spirituality that doesn't jibe with anything we know of the world.

Undergraduate / Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community' [11]


First, the above sentence needs some commas, or else to be broken into two. The latter suggestion might be better, as you switch from third person "people" to "I" halfway through. So

"Then there are people like me who just couldn't wait to do what they love. Since the beginning of my college career, I have worked tirelessly and passionately to create my own business revolving around solar technology."

Reading on, I notice that you tend to favor long, wordy sentences. Try to break them down and compress them where possible:

"The plethora of knowledge I familiarized myself with fromI learned much about small business management, research of solar technology, and designing solar systems for a dozen different applications has been a tremendous undertaking. " Also, you really can't say you were designing solar systems. I know what you mean, and you are technically correct, but rephrase anyway. Also, why not add some specifics, and say what exactly you learned?

The above criticisms give you a good place to start when revising the rest of your essay, too. Simplify and shorten your sentences, while replacing generalities with specifics.

Undergraduate / Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community' [11]

You could even post a draft of that essay here if you want some more feedback.

Writing Feedback / CBEST personal essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in your life [13]

You are to be commended for putting so much effort into your work. Now, I would suggest you delete the first paragraph, which isn't really necessary, and start revising the rest of the essay for grammar. Here are some fixes to get you started:

"Mr. Taylor wasA very Sociable person, extrovert, sensitive, and profound, Mr. Taylor, my _ grade math teacher, greatly influenced my personal development. "

As an exceptional math teacher, Mr. Taylor was exceptional. He had a remarkable talent to teach student and tofor transmitting knowledge to others."

"I got up earlier than usual in the following day and I plead ed with my parents to drop me to the school as soon as they could."