Book Reports / I have trouble developing a thesis statement for Oedipus the King [10]


And there you go. The real question is whether or not you can find sufficient evidence to prove that this is the point of the play. Certainly it is not, to my knowledge, the standard reading of it, though you may be able to come up with a solid case for it anyway.

Book Reports / Macbeth Thesis - help with choosing the right quote [8]

This is why I suggested coming up with a list of themes, too. The passage you have picked has very little to do with greed (or more properly ambition), even though the nature of ambition is one of the themes of the play. Not every passage deals with every theme. The first passage deals more with the devastating effects of guilt. The second passage, which I recommended originally, does, however, deal with the nature of ambition, if that is a theme you would like to explore. Once you have chosen a passage, and have figured out which themes it deals with, then you can follow Simone's excellent advice, which is to do exactly what the teacher asked of you. With a theme in mind, your brainstorming will tend to result in insights that will be relevant to the final interpretation of the quotation that you have to write.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the Types of Germs - bacteria [22]

Your essay might also benefit from an introduction. At the moment, you plunge right in to a discussion of bacteria, without really giving an overview of your essay that explains why you are taking about them.

Grammar, Usage / Simple ways of improving my writing and structure. [8]

For metaphors, the key is to draw on words that already have strong symbolic associations. So, if you just say "hate is a glove," your metaphor won't make sense. If, on the other hand, you say "hate is a jet black glove stretched tight over a pale hand," you have something you can work with. The color black is already associated with evil and negativity in our culture, and most people identify hate as a negative emotion. The term "pale" in turn is associated with sickness and decay. So, the metaphor says something along the lines of "hate is a negative emotion that can envelop and constrict (implied by "stretched tight") the soul (represented here by the hand), causing it to sicken and decay.

You can use this technique to create a comparison between just about any abstract concept, especially emotions, and any concrete noun. So,

Sadness is a cup
Sadness is a cracked china cup, sitting forgotten in a dusty cupboard.

Intelligence is a knife
Intelligence is a keen-edged machete slicing through thickets in a jungle of ignorance.

And so on. In each case, the main comparison involves words picked at random (sadness, cup; intelligence, knife) giving you some originality, but the supporting structure is rooted in familiar cultural symbols that make it easy for the reader to understand the metaphor.

Writing Feedback / Making life better [5]

Yes, yes it is. :-) Feel free to post a revised draft here for more feedback.

Essays / comparing the tragic flaws in Hamlet and Gatsby [15]

So, what similarities and differences can you see at the moment? At least take a shot at coming up with a list of your own. We'll add to it, and give feedback on whatever you post, but you should be able to get us started.

Essays / comparing the tragic flaws in Hamlet and Gatsby [15]

Well, then, you best get busy thinking. First, you should make sure you know what a tragic flaw is, and that you have read both works that you are supposed to write on. Then, you should ask yourself what you think Hamlet's tragic flaw is, and what you think Gatsby's tragic flaw is. Then, you can make a list of similarities and differences between the two characters, which you can begin to organize into some sort of outline suitable for a comparison and contrast essay. Once you have done all that, write up your ideas in the form of a rough draft, and post it here. We will then give you feedback and suggestions on how you could improve and revise your work.

Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Paper - appearance vs reality [6]

Start by looking for any quotations from the play that seem to deal with appearance versus reality. Then, ask yourself what, based on these quotations, you think Shakespeare was trying to say in Hamlet about the relationship between the two. This will probably become your thesis.

Essays / Relationship between commerce and culture in Early Modern Europe [5]

Do some research and try to come up with a first draft, even if you just write out whatever you can think of without too much attempt at structuring your ideas. It will be much easier to help you once we can see where your own thoughts are leading you.

Essays / Essay on myself, how to write it? [35]

Knowing your purpose and audience is really important for this. If you are writing a personal essay for English class, you have much more leeway in what you write about yourself than you do if you are writing a university admissions essay, for instance. Likewise, you have fewer restrictions on your subject matter if you are just writing for yourself for practice than if you are writing for an English class. In general, though, it is a good idea to decide what you want to say about yourself, then think of an anecdote you could relate that would show this quality that you want to express. So, don't just write, for instance, "I'm a very shy person." Rather, describe a situation you were in in which your shyness affected you. Show, rather than tell. Depending upon the assignment, you might write the entire essay as a single narrative, or string together a series of smaller narratives to provide a broader picture of who you are. Please tell us the exact assignment instructions so that we can give you more focused advice.

Writing Feedback / A paragraph to persuade someone not to smoke [3]

You might also want to add more details to make your paragraph more persuasive. "Five million people died last year from lung cancer due to deadly smoking habit." Says who? How did they come up with this statistic? Presumably, at least some of the smokers who died from lung cancer would have contracted the disease even if they were not smoking. So, what methodology was used to figure out how greatly smoking increased the risk? What was that increase in risk? How does this risk compare to other dangerous activities, such as driving? That is, supply some context. So, how many smokers are there in the world? What percentage of them develop health problems?

At the moment, your paragraph isn't particularly persuasive, or won't be to an educated audience. Your readers might agree with you to begin with, and so your paragraph may therefore be well-received in spite of not being particularly persuasive, but you should strive to strengthen your case anyway.

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose to Edinburgh University (logical extention of my academics) [5]

When revising for this sort of error, try reading what you have written aloud. Whenever you pause in your reading, make sure you have a punctuation mark that indicates that pause in your essay. You might still make some mistakes, but your writing will have far more commas than your original draft did, which will be a great improvement.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the Types of Germs - bacteria [22]


Is there a variety of mushroom known as the boredom mushroom? Or have you picked the wrong word here? If the former, you should explain this. If the latter, use the name of the actual mushroom variety. Hint: Death cap mushrooms deserve their name.

Undergraduate / "To Understand and Be Understood" - Why do you want to pursue a career in the medical field? [14]

You might want to consider just cutting the last paragraph. It doesn't really add anything to your essay, so why keep it? You could just stop at the end of the last paragraph, and the essay would be much stronger. If you absolutely must have a concluding sentence that reminds the admissions officers that you want to be admitted (not that they are likely to need such a reminder), compress your last paragraph down to a single sentence and tack it on to the end of what is currently your penultimate paragraph.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Prefer to work for a large company; good material rewards [7]

Actually, it is generally a good idea to avoid labeling your conclusion with one of those phrases. It should be obvious from the way you write your final paragraph that it is a conclusion. If it isn't, then adding a label isn't going to fix the problem.

Book Reports / Macbeth Thesis - help with choosing the right quote [8]

The second and fifth quotations both look like they would be fairly easy to write on. Once you have picked a passage, start by coming up with a list of themes in Macbeth. Then, you can begin to think about how images and phrases in the passage connect to those themes. After that, just follow the instructions, and you'll soon have a draft you can post here for more feedback.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay/Personal Statement, "connection between me and science" [10]


This doesn't make sense. Do you mean that you lacked direction in high school, but have since discovered one, as evidenced by your making the Dean's List last semester? If so, that's probably how you should phrase it.

Writing Feedback / Essay about: what would you change of your former high school? [12]

"At least" means that you shouldn't have less than one page. You can write more if you want to, unless they specify a maximum too.

Simplify your language. That you know how to use a dictionary and thesaurus is good, but relying on them too heavily makes your writing sound contrived.

Start off sooner. At the moment, you don't begin to answer the prompt until the fourth paragraph, over halfway through the essay. It is okay to give necessary background information first, but I should still know what your main point is going to be by the time I'm finished reading the first paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing - "clean learning environment" [3]

Be careful, too, that you don't get off topic. The prompt doesn't assert that an attractive and clean learning environment is the only factor necessary for students to study well, so you don't really need to argue that other factors are important. Rather, you need to decide whether or not the appearance of the learning environment is a key factor in helping students to learn effectively. For this sort of essay, it would probably be easier for you to list ways in which a clean learning environment makes it easier for students to do well in school, then either say that universities should therefore make an effort to provide such an environment, or that the students should be responsible for maintaining such an environment themselves, depending upon whether you agree or disagree with the second part of the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Making life better [5]

You need also to deal more in specifics. You mention "Tet holiday or Death anniversary of Hung King" and the importance of national pride, but you don't explain how materialism is hindering or preventing people from celebrating these holidays or from feeling national pride. Presumably, one can work hard on regular work days, live a comfortable lifestyle, yet still feel a strong sense of national pride and celebrate national holidays. So, you have asserted that materialism causes people to neglect spiritual values, but you have provided no evidence to back up your claim. To improve your essay, you need to either explain the example you have more strongly, or come up with different examples, or both.

Speeches / Need pointers for a persuasive speech in getting a patron for life [6]

Once you have outlined the job description, though, and caught the reader's attention with an interesting anecdote, you should definitely mention any aspects of your personality that you think make you particularly suited to the job. Just make sure to tie everything you say back to the job. So, for instance, if you were going to say that you are a very generous person, you would need to explain how generosity is a useful trait for a family therapist who will be dealing with gender variant children.

Graduate / Conflict resolution and peace study - Statement of Purpose for PhD in IR [4]

The first line is also weak because it doesn't make sense. You are trying to contrast "practitioner" with "scholar." However, you then immediately say that you have spent the past several years "studying," which is the province of the scholar, not the practitioner. Put another way, if you say you are a practitioner, you then have to go on to say what it is you practice. I see the distinction you are trying to make -- between learning in the real world and learning in a classroom, but the rhetorical constructions you use don't quite work. It is a solid distinction, though, and you can probably fix what you have with a bit of thought.

I like the idea that you decided to study peace by joining the army -- I don't know a better place to study it, come to that. But Simone is right -- you should probably elaborate on that a bit more, to make certain that your meaning is clear to all of your readers.

The main problem I see with this SOP is that it doesn't actually tell me that much about your purpose, which is the very thing you are supposed to be writing on. You have a lot of experience that would make you a valuable asset to the university, but what exactly do hope to accomplish? You indicate that you hope to become a professor, but what elements of International Affairs specifically do you hope to research? What do you hope to learn about them? Why? Unless you answer these questions, you will not have a true SOP so much as a very well-written cover letter.

Research Papers / Research paper on Mormons! [20]

I would say that the vast majority of the prison population is guilty of the crimes of which they were accused. Some certainly, are wrongly convicted, but even then "wrongly convicted" rarely translates into "innocent." If the police fixate on a certain person as a prime suspect in a crime, it is often because they have a long history of wrong doing. So, I think it is fair to say that the characteristics I listed apply to most prison inmates, at least those convicted for violent offenses. The rare case of the wholly innocent man railroaded by overzealous police is more exception than rule.

Writing Feedback / descriptive essay-The heart of the Matter. [6]

In need of some revision:

"An inspiring, strong, and caring person has a lot to offer, especially if they care for that certain person.

"Not only does she provide for our needs, she wouldoften forsakesthe pursuit of her own desires for the sake of our needs,such aslike giving up her time for work just so she couldcan provide commutetransportation for us"

Those are just a couple of examples. Revise the essay as Simone and I have suggested before worrying too much about this. There is not much point in our correcting the grammar in sentences you are going to cut or rewrite anyway. Get the next draft done, and once you have the content in a more or less final format, then we can help you polish the writing grammatically.

Research Papers / Research paper on Mormons! [20]

Because prison populations tend to consist of people with most or all of the characteristics that make them easily radicalized -- young, male, uneducated, disaffected, violent, often sociopathic or borderline to it. Let's face it, if these were good people, they wouldn't be in prison to begin with. This makes them obvious targets for, shall we say, adherents of less mainstream forms of Islam.

This is not to say that Islam, or for that matter any other religion, can't be a force for good in the prison system, and I'm sure many of the converts are improved by having something greater than themselves to believe in. However, those responsible for overseeing the prison system would be remiss in their duties if they didn't worry about the negative side of the trend.

Essays / "The Great Depression changed the American governments views" - essay help [5]

Yes, you should certainly make sure that you understand what the Great Depression was, before you try writing anything on it. I suspect, though, that you have been studying this for some time, and that you have not been assigned the topic randomly. If this is so, then mostly what you need to do is to get something, anything, down on paper. Just write down whatever you know about the topic, your opinions, reflections, random tangentially related thoughts, whatever comes to mind. Then post the results here. At least then we have something to work with when we are trying to help you out.

Essays / Comment on a Henry David Thoreau quote [8]

Ah. Yes, you don't have much room for anything else given those instructions, which is why posting the instructions along with your draft is always a good idea. As for an introductory sentence, the instructions ask you to write a summary of your main point, and to use that as your first sentence. So, all you need to do is summarize the main point you want to convey through your paragraph, and that will give you what you need for your introduction.

Book Reports / To Kill a Mockingbird - Self-respect and Injustice [8]

Do you really want to argue that characters demonstrate self-respect by making good choices (which is what you have written), or do you want to argue that people who possess self-respect make good choices as a result. I sort of get the idea from the rest of your intro that you are trying to do the latter, so be careful not to reverse the causal links at the outset.

Essays / How can i decrible the graph [6]

Feel free to post a revised draft for further feedback. Most essays need several revisions before reaching a point where they are ready for submission.

Undergraduate / brief essay explaining your educational and career goals [7]

Also, when you post your new thread, try including a rough draft of whatever you can come up with in relation to your topic. It is much easier to provide useful feedback if the thread contains some attempt at writing, however rough, from the person starting the thread.

Book Reports / King Lear naivety and inability to control his emotions (ENG4U class) [17]

By all means feel free to post your marks when you get them -- it is always interesting to learn how well an essay posted here was received by its intended audience.

Writing Feedback / descriptive essay-The heart of the Matter. [6]

When writing this sort of essay, you should revise by pretending you don't know the person in the essay at all. If you read over what you have written as if you had never met Karla, what sort of mental image of her do you get? As Simone pointed out, at the moment, the answer is that you don't really get any sort of picture of her at all. Moreover, when attributing personality traits to a person in a descriptive piece (either in an essay like this, or as part of a longer narrative), it is important that you show these traits through your physical description of your sister and of her actions. Don't just tell, because telling is deadly dull. Bear this in mind as you revise, and your essay will become much stronger.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the Types of Germs - bacteria [22]

Make sure you are using the words you mean to use. Simone already pointed out one case where you used "from" instead of "form." Here is another:

"Second, wear lose clothes and change your socks during high humility time." The word you actually want here is humidity . Otherwise, I wonder why my attitude would affect when I should wear socks.

Essays / Comment on a Henry David Thoreau quote [8]

Not bad. At least, as far as I can tell, not knowing the assignment instructions. Mostly, I'd say you should add in more concrete, specific examples to demonstrate the abstract ideas you are discussing.

"When do we become adults? " Nothing in your commentary directly answers this question, which makes it an odd introductory sentence.

"On the other hand, adults only see what they've been taught to see; they miss many parts they could see as kids because they only care about the world that society and traditions have created in their minds," I would add a concrete example or two here to demonstrate the truth of this statement.

"In order to become part of that world they have on their minds many mistakes are made. " I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to say in this sentence. Revise

"Such failures, we keep calling experience, are nothing more than a continuous chain of bad things we've made that makes us assume we are growing up." Again, adding in a concrete example or two might clarify this a lot.

Research Papers / Research paper on Mormons! [20]

It certainly isn't racist to point out an easily verifiable demographic trend. Besides, someone once said that the worst thing you could say about any statement is that it is false. Anything else, such as accusations of racism or sexism, is irrelevant at best, dishonest at worse.

This isn't a trend limited to the States, btw. The same trends have also begun to concern Canadian and U.K. authorities too.

Undergraduate / If you were refrained one year from going to college, what would you do? [3]

You discuss yourself in an oddly hypothetical manner: "If I did not live in Georgia," "my Job (if I have one)." Surely you must know whether you are currently living in Georgia, and whether you would plan on getting a job. I realize that technically these are unknowns (you might move to/from Georgia between now and the end of school, or be unable to find a job) but this is already understood, as you are writing on a hypothetical scenario anyway. So, you could just say that you would move to Georgia, and try to find a job in _____ field.

Also, Simone makes a valid point -- what you have written is probably entirely true, and eminently practical. However, it is not the sort of fare that the university reviewers expect to hear. So, think about things you could do in that year that would make you more interesting to the university. You could look at volunteer opportunities or taking college courses, as Simone suggests. Alternatively, you could talk about how you would travel the world to experience diverse cultures (cliche, but it works in a very PC theme, which is sort of what you are looking for here). Note that nothing you write in this sort of essay is binding -- it is only a thought experiment, after all, and you are free to change your mind and do something completely different if you actually do take a year off before attending college.

Research Papers / Research paper on Mormons! [20]

Your grammar and writing style are very good. By and large your essay reads as a well-crafted narrative of the history of the Mormon church. There are sections that seem out-of-place, though. For instance, when discussing polygamy, you shift out of the historical narrative to give your personal opinion on the practice. Likewise, the comparison of Mormonism to Judaism and Islam seems a bit off-topic. It's unclear how the rather extended discussion of the similarities between the three groups in facing persecution adds to the reader's understanding of Mormonism. Ending the essay with a call to end religious intolerance in general might be acceptable, but as it stands, the digression is so long and detailed that it detracts from the main point of the essay.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

You say you have never had the experience called "enlightenment." I too can make no claims in that regard. How then can we discuss an experience neither of us have ever had. And what is "the Big Question?" Where did everything come from? Why is there something instead of nothing? What is the meaning of life? Which, if any, of these questions, do you expect enlightenment to answer?

Also, I find the fish analogy flawed. If we were to be compared to fish in that respect, it would be air that we couldn't know. Clearly, though, we do know about air. I suspect that, if a fish were to evolve intelligence and tool using abilities, it could in fact come to know about water, would do so, in fact, as soon as it broke the surface of the ocean.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay : Nowadays majority of people are trying to live in the cities [6]

You may also want to refine your tenses here, too: "I belonged to (or even 'came from,' or 'was raised in') a small town but shifted to a city soon after my A levels." In a certain sense, what you have at the moment works, and is even a bit poetic -- presumably you consider yourself as a small town person, even though you currently live in the big city -- but I'm not sure that was intentional, given the other tense errors mentioned by Simone.

Writing Feedback / Help with a paragraph about marketing claims [7]

Its the United Kingdom, much as it is the United States of America. The "the" distinguishes the kingdom/states in question from other, nonspecific kingdoms and states.