Writing Feedback / CBEST personal essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in your life [13]

Notice: Several people have now repeatedly told you to omit that first paragraph, which says nothing. That's good advice. Take it.

Letters / Letter to Superintendent re: extending high school to 5 years [4]

Hmmm... A letter arguing against more education is unlikely to be successful if it is filled with grammatical errors. Here are just a couple:

Some people agree and disagree with this argument, perhaps because I am still in high school I disagree.

This is a comma splice. You need to either break it into two sentences, replacing the comma with a period, or use a semi-colon in place of the comma.

Next year I will be a senior and knowing that's my last year of high school is magnigicent.

This is a run-on sentence. Also, "magnificent" is misspelled.

My guess is that one of the "huge benefits" of an extra year of schooling might be better writing. What do you think?

Undergraduate / Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community' [11]

It's not just long, wordy sentences, which are ill-advised but grammatically correct. You write actual run-on sentences, which are grammatically incorrect. So, Sean's advise is not just a matter of style. Break those sentences down so that you don't make grammatical errors!

Writing Feedback / CBEST personal essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in your life [13]

I like the new details that you've added about Mr. Taylor.

A few corrections:

I had a few math teachers, but only Mr. Taylor knew it how to make students to love math.

Every day in the morning, he could be found in his classroom ready to help any student before school started .

I tried many times to copy his style and methods in my class, but I was not capable to reach his level.

Mr. Taylor played a very special role in my life, and I will never forget his model.

In those last two, notice that you had two complete sentences joined by a coordinating conjunction. In order to avoid a run-on sentence, place a comma before the coordinating conjunction.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Technology today has been positive or negative impact? [16]

Hmmm... You say that you cannot do simple things such as secure your house or feed yourself without technology. Fifty years ago, people could do those things without technology. Is that really a positive development?

Turning to the style of your essay, I notice too much repetition of the premise of the prompt: Technology is a part of daily life. On the other hand, I notice a lot of examples, which is very good.

Now, a few corrections:

Today,T echnology has become a part of our lives .

People use technology every day to solve daily problems at work and home.

At home, we often solve daily problems or enjoy activities using technology.

Research Papers / Your way of writing 10 or more pages research paper (univ or college level) [10]

What an excellent question, and what a good plan! Generally, students find themselves with too little to say because they've not done enough research. So, your steps 3-5 above are the keys: Collect enough sources, really read them, and take good notes in the process. Then, if anything, you'll find yourself with more than enough to say.

If you do find yourself falling short, page-wise, don't pad your paper with excessive quotations or endless repetition of the same points. Instead, go back to your sources for arguments or examples you may have neglected to note on your first reading.

Here's a tip for when you get to stage 7: Unless you are already absolutely certain of everything you're going to say, write your body first and then go back to write your introduction and conclusion. By doing this, you will ensure that your introduction and conclusion match each other and are consistent with your body. (Sometimes students go astray in longer papers by writing an introduction, saying more or different things than they planned in their body, and then writing a conclusion that is out of sync with the introduction.)

Book Reports / King Lear naivety and inability to control his emotions (ENG4U class) [17]

And, Romeo -- Don't forget to pay the favor forward by helping others with their essays!

Undergraduate / Barrier between me and my dream career; UT AUSTIN; SOP [10]

Ah, it's so nice to be understood.

Scholarship / What can you contribute to ___ essay? - alumni scholarship [11]

Yes, I agree you need more examples and details to make the essay stronger. You refer to your personality, but we don't really get the chance to see it. Can you tell a story from your tutoring experience or your volunteer service?

Research Papers / "Going the extra distance" - research paper -- and customer service [11]

I hear you, but I'd still err on the side of caution and avoid citing Wikipedia in an academic paper unless the prof has specifically said it's okay to do so. Otherwise, use Wikipedia for background information and to point you to credible sources, but do not cite it. Because, let's face it, you might not have been in class or may have been staring out the window when the prof said, as so many do, "don't use Wikipedia." Why take the risk, when there are so many other sources out there?

Book Reports / King Lear naivety and inability to control his emotions (ENG4U class) [17]

Congratulations! You worked hard for those grades and deserve to feel good about them.

Undergraduate / Barrier between me and my dream career; UT AUSTIN; SOP [10]

I really like the way this starts and also very much appreciate your wish to keep it short and (pun intended) sweet.

But you need to say more about your purpose. What will you do with your law degree? A degree is a means to an end, not a purpose in itself. Do you want to be a judge? A corporate lobbyist? An environmental defense attorney? A battered women's advocate? A politician? A prosecutor? A defense attorney? What? And why?

That's what they want to know. You might also mention what undergraduate major you would choose and which extracurricular activities you would be likely to see as consistent with your purpose.

Graduate / Law School Personal Statement ("I am a fighter.") [11]

Rather than cutting any content, I'd like to see you tighten up your writing, using direct and concise sentences to say everything you say here in far fewer words.

For example...

before
I developed this maxim after I defeated the health issue that I had been struggling with since I was a child. None of the traditional medical treatments helped me to strengthen my poor health. Therefore, my parents signed me up for karate classes. What initially was aimed just to make me stronger and improve my physical fitness, gradually transformed into a challenging journey of self-discovery. Besides strengthening my health, this martial art program helped me to instill a sense of discipline, understand the importance of collaboration with others who share the same goal, develop and improve self-confidence.

after
I developed this world-view through karate classes, which my parents initiated in hope of improving my poor health. What began as pursuit of physical fitness became a journey of self-discovery. Karate instilled discipline, improved my self-confidence, and taught me the importance of collaboration.

Graduate / 'my passion for teaching and working with children' - Graduate Essay (Dept:special education) [6]

I'd like to see more life and less wordiness in your sentences. Are you a lively and engaging teacher? Then make sure your prose is also lively and engaging. Take out empty phrases like "in a sense" and "the fact that." Add action verbs and more vivid descriptions of the people and places you mention.

Research Papers / "Going the extra distance" - research paper -- and customer service [11]

Many college profs do mark down for use of Wikipedia, because its inadmissibility as a credible reference is generally covered in Comp 101 and in those "how to use the library" courses many first year students are required to take. Why inadmissible? Because, while it is a wonderful starting point for your research, and you certainly can access and cite any of the credible sources cited by articles, anyone can edit any entry at any time. Thus, it is always possible that some fool or hacker accidentally or deliberately introduced a falsehood moments before you accessed the page. While most falsehoods are caught and corrected relatively quickly, errors can and do sit on pages for weeks on end. (I've found and fixed many myself.)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - modern society has become more complex, so it is essential for the young people [10]

I like your opening sentence very much, but I think you need to explain it more clearly.

What I like about this essay is your use of metaphor and your use of supporting evidence.

Here are some grammatical corrections:

...it goes without saying that planning and organisation abilities can...

...young people can have more opportunities if they have the ability to plan and organise...

Last but not least,the ability to plan and organise can enhance your creativity .

In your next to last sentence and throughout the essay, you go in and out of second person.

Writing Feedback / ielts essay: Should students be taught to compete or to cooperate? [5]

Don't call your mistakes "stupid." Making mistakes is how we learn. I'm glad you are feeling more confident.

Writing Feedback / CBEST personal essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in your life [13]

That's not a bad idea. Why not start fresh, with a vivid description of the man followed by a discussion of his impact on you?

Book Reports / I have trouble developing a thesis statement for Oedipus the King [10]

Right. The author of Oedipus the King is not around to say what he meant to do, so any defensible thesis is acceptable. If the author is around, or has said what s/he meant to do, and one has a different reading, that's still acceptable, although there we verge into post-modern thinking about texts functioning independently of their authors' intentions.

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

Mustafa,

Yes, unfair grading is shameful, hurtful, and never acceptable. I want to ask something delicately, though. You write as though this has happened to you more than once, with different teachers. Is that so? If so, have you given any thought to adjusting your classroom persona? Of course, you ought to be able to just be yourself. But, as you say, your GPA and graduate school are on the line so, if there is something you are doing that tends to make teachers dislike you, it might be wise to make a change. For example, I see that you are extremely intelligent. Sometimes very bright students show off their intelligence in ways that threaten the egos of less intelligent teachers. Even though they ought to be free to be however they like, in such cases it is smarter to adopt a more low-key classroom persona. Just a thought.

Speeches / Need pointers for a persuasive speech in getting a patron for life [6]

Good strategy, although I would explain "gender" and "gender variant" before bringing out the term "gender therapist."

Writing Feedback / Essay about: what would you change of your former high school? [12]

If I read you correctly, you would like your old high school to augment its emphasis on academics with more sport and other extra-curricular activities. So, I guess if you wanted to add more detail, you could make some specific proposals as to what activities to add.

Writing Feedback / CBEST personal essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in your life [13]

However, I had a few math teachers, but only Mr. Taylor knew it how to make students to love math.

Always straight-laced and well dressed, Mr. Taylor spread into entire classroom a respectful attitude to the entire class .

His ties reminded me of the old cartoon network personages.

I like that detail!

Writing Feedback / Essay response to Thoreau - "Does adulthood takes away the true spirit of life?" [5]

It's good to know the basics of MLA citation. In general, provide the author's last name and the page number in parenthesis at the end of the sentence or phrase (but before the punctuation mark) unless you have named the author in the sentence itself, in which case only the page number is required. Then, provide full citation information on a "Works Cited" page, using the format specified by one of the online MLA style guides or the MLA style guide in your textbook or writer's handbook.

The essay is coherent until the last paragraph, the beginning of which does not follow from what has gone before. Your sentence structure is generally good, but you sometimes leave the endings off verbs. That kind of mistake is very jarring to the reader, so watch out for it:

...goes to college from 6pm to 10pm getting all stressed out...
She is immersed in work...

My only quibble with the content of the essay is that not all children are free from worry. Children living in extreme poverty or in otherwise stressful or abusive circumstances do not live the idyllic life you depict. Indeed, since children do live life so fully, they may suffer more than adults in similar circumstances. It might be good to acknowledge this, if only by adding some sort of qualification to your statement about children living problem-free lives.

A few other comments:

- The list of images of childhood is very evocative but the elements in the list do not agree in form.

The sentence that begins, "For instance..." is a fragment.

"Everyday" is an adjective. If you mean to say that someone goes to work every day or that the newspaper tells us something every day, do as I did and separate those words.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

Rajiv, your writing was so sincere that it was only natural to respond in kind. I look forward to reading more of your work. And I do want to encourage you to see writing in terms of process as well as product. As we see sometimes when the journals or letters of famous scientists or writers are published, some of the best ideas arise from writing that is not aimed at a finished product.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

Oh, heavens, I cannot possibly catch up on this thread! I will say, simply, that Frijof Capra's classic The Tao of Physics speaks directly to the question of Taoism and physics, and that Capra's more recent The Web of Life explores the implications of systems thinking not only in physics but in biology and other realms. Both are worth reading. Speaking of biology, the Gaia hypothesis, proposed initially by Lynn Margulis and James Lovelock (although Lovelock predictably tends to get all of the credit) posits that the biosphere functions as a complex system that seeks homeostasis by making the kinds of adjustments Rajiv seems to be suggesting.

Writing Feedback / CBEST personal essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in your life [13]

In addition to Sean's excellent advice, let me offer a couple of specific fixes:

one-on -one

His talent as a teacher awed me. (Unless you were actually very frightened.)

While you are making your verbs stronger, be sure to keep your verb tense consistent!

Also, I notice that the prompt asks about an unforgettable person. I wonder if there was anything distinctive about the way that Mr. Taylor dressed, acted, or spoke that would help us to imagine him more clearly.

Essays / "Growing up and self-improvement" essay - how can i write a topic? [7]

I believe the question is asking you for your opinions on self-improvement in the process of growing older. Do people automatically improve as they grow up or must they make some effort to improve themselves? What can people do to ensure that they improve as they grow older?

Writing Feedback / ielts essay: Should students be taught to compete or to cooperate? [5]

This is quite good. I have just a few suggested corrections:

In order to survive in the competition, companies continue to improve their products and services.andA s a result, the whole society prospers.

On the other hand, the significance of competition is that it motivates people to pursue excellence in order to gain the victory.

Therefore, without the cooperation, there would be no victory in competition.

I like that way of looking at it, by the way!

Research Papers / Research paper on HR related topics [6]

To write a research paper, first you must choose your topic and then do some research.

What are your interests in the field of Human Resources? What are some of the topics covered in your courses on the subject? What do you already know something about?

Do some brainstorming. Your paper will be better, and the work less burdensome, if you choose a topic about which you are genuinely interested or about which you already have some basic knowledge.

Once you have chosen a general topic, narrow your focus to a specific question. For example, if you were to settle on the topic of employee retention, you could then narrow your focus to ask something like "How have tech companies sought to retain the best and brightest workers?" or "What does the research suggest are the most important factors in the retention of medical industry workers?"

If you need help in narrowing your focus, just post again after you have done some brainstorming and settled on one or two possible topics. Let us know what you think about those topics and what your interests are.

Once you have narrowed your focus, then it's time to do your research! Again, we can give you some pointers once you have selected your topic.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - should history be a mandatory course to university students? [5]

This is a well worded and well argued essay. Your grammar and punctuation are very good, with only a few minor errors that do not inhibit comprehension.

Each of your arguments is cogent and supported by both logic and examples. I'd like to see you make a third argument, though.

Here are a few suggested corrections:

...I am with the position that every university student...

...history is the pride of a country with over two thousand years' civilization.

--or--

...history is the pride of our country, which can boast of over two thousand years' civilization.

Research Papers / "Going the extra distance" - research paper -- and customer service [11]

I agree with Notoman, your prof probably will downgrade you if you use Wikipedia as the source of your definition. Find a more credible source.

Speaking of which, one way to add substance and elaboration to an essay is to do a little more research. If you can find even one more book, chapter, article, or credible website to cite, you will probably find more than enough information to fill up the requisite pages.

Quotes from your sources -- if used sparingly -- can also add substance and elaboration. Don't go crazy with this, as teachers get cranky when they can see that a student has used long quotations to fill up space. I'm not saying to do that! But it can be very useful to quote one or two especially well-worded sentences from each of your sources.

Essays / Essay on myself, how to write it? [35]

Welcome, Sajid. (And all other new members!) Feel free to look around, offer feedback to others, and post your own questions or draft essays for feedback.

Book Reports / I have trouble developing a thesis statement for Oedipus the King [10]

Those are all good ideas, Notoman.

It's important to remember that the writer of Oedipus the King had a very different world view than many people today. The belief in fate, for example, was very strong. And so the moral that the author had in mind may be very different than we can even imagine. Of course, one of the joys of art is that different people can draw different conclusions from the same work. That's why Notoman's question about the assignment is important. If you only have to say what you got out of the story, that is different than having to say what you believe the author was trying to communicate.

Essays / comparing the tragic flaws in Hamlet and Gatsby [15]

Your thesis statement should assert your thesis and summarize your arguments. "Hamlet and Gatsby are [fill-in-the-blank] because [argument 1], [argument 2], and [argument 3]."

In a compare-contrast essay, you discuss similarities and differences. There are several ways to organize. If there are more similarities than differences, you may want to have your thesis focus on the similarities and then devote most of the essay to comparison (discussing those similarities), reserving only the paragraph right before the conclusion for contrast (discussing differences).

Undergraduate / UCF Essay:Why did you choose to apply to UCF? ("Christmas 1997") [3]

Right, you say that ECF has "much to offer." If you really did look at a lot of different schools, then why -- exactly -- did you choose ECF?

I like the idea of starting with the Christmas story, but you move too quickly from that to the present day. Have you done anything in the intervening years that expresses your love of and excitement for biochemistry?

Essays / comparing the tragic flaws in Hamlet and Gatsby [15]

I see we posted at the same time. Your latest post suggests that we tell you what to write on your exam. That is not the purpose of this site. We are happy to help you think through the question and also to give you feedback on the thesis and supporting arguments that you devise for yourself.

Book Reports / I have trouble developing a thesis statement for Oedipus the King [10]

Yes, that is a unique reading of that classic play. Can you say why you feel this is the main moral of the story? You mention the revelation that changes Oedipus' view of himself. But should this revelation change our view of him?

Essays / comparing the tragic flaws in Hamlet and Gatsby [15]

Here's a way to think about it. Imagine that Hamlet and Gatsby are both your friends and you invited them to a party. Imagine them in the same house or room. Hmm... I notice that they both are brooding. You have another friend, a woman, who wants to know if she should go out with one of them. Would you fix up your friend with either one of them? If not, why not? What would you tell her is wrong with Hamlet? With Gatsby?

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

I like what you are doing here, exploring ideas in dialogue. As with your meditation, this is writing as process rather than writing as product. I'm glad to see you "thinking on paper." Putting your thoughts into words forces one to clarify them. Putting them into words for a real reader forces your to be even more precise and clear. When your writer writes back, s/he challenges you even further.