Writing Feedback / itels essay: should children learn foreign language from elementary school? [7]

You treat the two sides too equally -- it is not clear which side you come down on. That is, you haven't made it clear whether or not you believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Also, you neglect the most powerful reason for teaching children to learn a foreign language when they are as young as possible, namely, that it is much easier for people to learn a language when very young that it is when they get older. Some people have gone so far as to claim that students have to start learning a new language before they are 12 if they are ever to reach native proficiency with it. I don't know if I would go that far, personally, but that some experts would shows how much easier it is to learn a new language if you start studying it in your early years.

Book Reports / To Kill a Mockingbird - Self-respect and Injustice [8]

Well, why don't you brainstorm a bit and see what you can come up with on your own? Perhaps you might start by thinking about why Atticus takes a case he knows he will lose, that he knows will end unjustly. You might also ask yourself why Bob Ewell is so angry at Atticus after the trial, and why Mayella lies on the stand. Maybe you might even ask yourself if self-respect is always independent of what other people think, or if in some people it exists only as a reflection of what other people think, and how such a distinction might explain the differences between the way the three characters you have chosen act.

Undergraduate / American Summer Camp in Kayrakkum, Tajikistan [4]

Well, why do you want to attend the camp? Is it to broaden your mind? Meet new people? Experience a different culture?

And what do you hope to learn? How to promote tolerance? How other people from different cultures see the world?

Really, these are questions you will have to answer for yourself.

Writing Feedback / April's first day essay - A Quick Grammer Check [5]

This is quite good. A couple of minor fixes:

"On the way the driver talks on the microphone, saying that he's so glad that he's back. Then he adds that today we will be having an emergency drill and will all be exiting from the emergency door on the ceiling when we get to school. "

"I wonder again, that why we didn't go out of the ceiling door"

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay: Graduate Education in Chemical Engineering [7]

Here are a few fixes for you:

"I aim to studyobtain a Masters degree in advanced chemical engineering at University College London - Your most esteemed institution, as I trust that a Masters degreeas part of the process ofwill form a better knowledge of my course and facilitate launching a career into the oil and gas industry."

"extra-challenging, unqualified teachers" how can the teachers be both challenging and unqualified? I understand that there are ways in which this could be possible, but it sounds off as it stands.

"Though I had the capacity to have done a lot better, I could not finishedin the target top three but managed top 10 of about 145 students in my class." Why phrase a positive accomplishment as if it were a failure?

Undergraduate / "Son,I want you to be an owner of a big department store";Ryerson - Retail Management [4]

Try revising your essay to use stronger verbs. At the moment, you rely heavily on verbs such as "be," "have," "get,""make" and the like. Your essay would be stronger if you picked more precise verbs to convey your meaning. For instance:

Original: "He could do these things very quickly and effectively as he had mastered the technique."

Revised: "A mathematical wizard, he could quickly and effectively calculate the profit or loss involved in any deal."

Original: "These things made me a bit curious to learn more about business. "

Revised: These things inspired me learn more about business."

Original: "Also, this program is taught by highly qualified faculty members who have years of experience in teaching 'Retail Management'. So, I am absolutely sure about good quality education."

Revised: "This program, taught by highly qualified faculty members boasting years of experience in teaching 'Retail Management', will surely provide me with the highest quality education."

Writing Feedback / Essay on Rating TV Shows and Movies [6]

The main objection to the rating system is that the ratings may not reflect what parents think they do. A movie like Who Framed Roger Rabbit, for instance, has a PG rating. It also has a wonderfully horrible scene in which a cute little cartoon character is killed by being slowly dipped into a vat of acid. A parent who would generally let his kids watch PG films might well not want them to see this particular movie, despite its tame rating. G and PG ratings also don't say anything about the values promulgated by a film. So, parents need to take a more active role in their kids lives, and learn more about what their kids watch, rather than relying wholly on an impersonal system to act as a sufficient safeguard. That is the argument you need to deal with in your "opposing arguments" paragraph.

Book Reports / Who was the tragic hero in antigone? creon or antigone? 10th grade essay. [4]

This sentence does not make sense: "In the story Antigone, the tragic hero is always the protagonist's flaw." Do you mean that the tragic hero is always the tragically flawed protagonist? Or that Antigone, as the protagonist, is, by her flawed nature, the tragic hero of the play?

Writing Feedback / I came to knew about Jesus at young age; My salvation testimony - kindly edit. [4]

This a very compelling and moving story. Now, go through and ruthlessly get rid of as much of it as you can. That is, be concise. So, for instance

"As days passed by with my deteriorating health condition always in mind, I began developing anxiety and depression"

could be rewritten as

"As my health deteriorated, anxiety and depression consumed me."

That was just one example. You can go through the entire essay and tighten it up by making similar changes throughout.

Essays / paragraph about the battle of Fromelles [3]

Do your research, then think of something you can say about the battle that you believe is true (or at least defensible in an essay of whatever length you have to write) but that at least some people would disagree with. That gives you a thesis. Then, think of what sort of evidence you have for that thesis, and summarize it. By that point, you've got most of your introductory paragraph done.

Writing Feedback / Random weightlifting reflection piece. [3]

I'd say you should flesh out the essay a bit more, possibly adding narrative elements to the beginning and middle. At the moment, you tell us what weightlifting means to you, but with a narrative essay, you could show us the same thing, and showing is always more interesting than telling. Your grammar and style are already pretty solid, so if you feel you need to work on improving your writing, I'm guessing its developing content in longer pieces that you are having trouble with, so why not expand on what you've written now and then repost it for more feedback?

Essays / Unclear Writing Instructions? [13]

Having the correct name for both the article and the author helps. The article is actually available online after all: library.spscc.ctc.edu/electronicreserve/read9697/dunsmore/InPraiseoftheFWord.pdf.

And, after reading it, I see what you mean. The article states only that passing students who don't deserve to devalues education for all. That failure can motivate some people to do better is a secondary concern. So, nukewarm, you sort of got off on the wrong track at step 1, where you summarized what the author was saying.

Essays / Unclear Writing Instructions? [13]

Ah, the essay sounds very interesting. Is there an online version of it I could read? If not, does anyone here have the name of a book that the essay appears in? A Google search of the essay title and author name didn't even get me that far, which makes tracking down a hard copy at the library near to impossible. I'm guessing that after reading the essay, I will be in a much better position to offer advice on how you should handle your professor's reaction to your response to it. In the meantime, I'd say Simone's advice was excellent -- you should never put someone whose goodwill you need on the offensive if you can avoid it. Politeness and tact should be the order of the day throughout your meeting. Even if the professor does not agree with you after you have explained your point of view, you should graciously accept her decision and do everything possible to ensure that you remain on good terms with her.

Undergraduate / LMU supplement essay- REFLECTIONS FROM HER OLDER SELF [7]

Ah, Eric, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, now: you really should consider becoming an official contributor to this site -- your advice is always excellent and detailed beyond what anyone would reasonably expect of a student doing this on his own time. If you insist on remaining just another poster, at least allow me to express my deep appreciation of your intelligence and insight. Whenever I log on, I am always glad to see a thread in which you are listed as the latest poster.

Writing Feedback / People should read only those books which are real events& real person [10]

You might also introduce the notion that there are many truths which can best be conveyed through fiction. Look at any mythology to find plenty of examples. I generally refer people to the myth of Icarus when making this point. In that tale, the events themselves are clearly made-up. Still, the story manages to say something true about the nature of pride.

Undergraduate / LMU supplement essay- REFLECTIONS FROM HER OLDER SELF [7]

This is something I haven't seen too much of on this forum -- "overwriting." It is difficult to pin down just what that term means, but in this case, I'd say that you are focusing too much on trying to describe abstract, emotional states. You add enough adjectives and strong vocabulary to your descriptions that it isn't immediately obvious why the writing doesn't work that well, but in the end, the specific is better than the general, the concrete than the abstract, no matter how beautifully you dress up your abstract, general ideas. Show your protagonists' feelings in her actions, her body language, her speech, rather than telling us about them. "Show, don't tell," lacks the eloquence of long, sinuous sentences bedecked with glittering adjectives and studded with well-chosen, polished nouns, but it remains good advice, nevertheless.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

Could you explain Maya in more detail? I am uncertain of how you intend this concept to be interpreted. Is Maya supposed to be a god, or the universe itself, or some combination of both? And is Maya conscious? If so, why would Maya choose to be deceptive? If not, how does Maya arise so to create a situation in which there are conscious beings who are deceived by the world around them?

Writing Feedback / 'useless in applying theories'; Daily homework is not necessary for students [5]

The advantage of homework is that it forces students to actively engage in the learning process, as others have already pointed out. The disadvantages are that it consumes time and causes stress. So, presumably, there is an optimal point, a balance at which the students are doing enough homework to get the maximum amount of learning from the experience before stress and resentment begin to hinder the learning process. You need to establish where you think the balance point is, and then provide evidence to show that daily homework is either too little, too much, or just right for meeting that balance point. At the moment, you are arguing that homework has no benefits, which very few people who have ever been students are going to believe.

Essays / Unclear Writing Instructions? [13]

Well, what course was this for? What exactly did the instruction sheet say? Was it just "Read ____ by ______. Do you agree or disagree with the author's opinion?" That seems awfully vague for this sort of essay. Did she say anything in class about her expectations for the assignment? Sometimes, professors add, alter or elaborate on their instructions in-class, or give strong hints about what they would like to see in the papers they have assigned.

Essays / Student should be required to take classes outside of their major field of study [5]

Wow! That's a great general outline for writing essays that Simone has posted. Perhaps we could turn it into a thread of its own that we could point students to when they need help getting started.

Don't forget, also, that you can carry out research right at the very beginning, if you get really stuck for ideas. This tends to be more important if you are dealing with a complex or unfamiliar topic, but you can also do it when you are simply blanking out on a relatively easy one. Just track down as much material as possible on a topic and start reading about it. After awhile, your head will be bursting with ideas about your subject, as you begin to find some arguments reasonable and others ridiculous. In fact, if you begin to feel strongly about some of what you have read, you will feel almost compelled to start explaining why your views are right and the opposing ones are wrong. Then, writing the essay will become much easier.

Essays / Creationism vs. Evolution Debate [25]


That is an excellent metaphor! I am jealous, and wish I had thought of it. Before moving the posts from their original thread, I had stated that the debate would be pointless, because the gulf between me and Nicholas was too great ever to be bridged. However, I was wrong, in that most very passionate debates probably involve people who will never, ever convince each other. Nevertheless, the debate itself forces one to clarify one's views, or even just to articulate existing ones more clearly. At the same time, the debate may introduce new arguments that one had never considered. At first, for instance, in this debate, I thought Nicholas's statement that mutations cannot add information to the genome was merely a statement of ignorance. Then, I learned that it reflected a carefully constructed line of argument against evolution, one that, if it had come up in conversation before, I would have not been able to immediately refute. After doing more research, however, I have a much better idea of how evolution works, and so can offer a strong refutation. This experience has also strengthened my belief in evolution, just as, if my research had uncovered evidence in Nicholas's favor, then my belief would have been weakened, though probably not sufficiently to immediately cause me to discard it. The debate may also prove useful to those who have no strong opinion of their own, and who are seeking to understand the arguments of each side, so as to formulate a stance.

Poetry / Senses poems: Birthdays, Summer in Yellow [5]

You might also revise your similes to make sure they all serve the unifying point in the last line. For instance, "teeth chattering" and "burning wood," while perfectly acceptable standalone sense imagery, do not particularly lead to feeling "warm and fuzzy inside." Your summer poem works better in this regard than the winter one, though I really like the notion of winter as a season that makes you feel warm inwardly, despite the outer cold.

Essays / 5 paragraph essay on writing about my study skills and work ethics [3]

Well, what do you want the reader to know about your study skills and work ethic? That would seem to me to be the main question you have to ask yourself. So, put yourself in the shoes of whomever you expect to be reading your paper, and think about what they are looking for in an applicant. Then, think of all the ways you meet those criteria. Try to come up with specific examples and anecdotes from your personal experience that prove that you have all of the skills and qualities you have decided to talk about. Good luck.

Essays / Unclear Writing Instructions? [13]

This is a complex issue, not least because we have no way of knowing what the professor might have said in class, beyond what was written on the assignment sheet. It could be that the professor was treating the prompt as a way to get you to talk about how best to motivate students, for instance. Certainly, it seems clear that at least some students need to be motivated, so if you are not going to motivate them with threats, it behooves you to say what you would motivate them with. That said, only you know exactly what the professor has said to you, and what precisely was written on the instruction sheet. If you feel that the deduction to your mark was unfair, then you should certainly broach the issue with him (her?). No need to be confrontational -- just explain your point of view, and ask how you can avoid having this happen to you again in the future. Most professors will be happy to clarify their marking scheme for theirs students when asked to do so politely.

Essays / Creationism vs. Evolution Debate [25]


A semantic distinction, but if it makes you feel better, I'll rephrase: We can add biogenesis to the list of scientific theories and law that you do not understand.


But of course, if you have an organism with 10 genes, and duplication leads to its offspring having 12 genes, then it has more genes. These extra genes then have much more room to mutate without harming the organism. For instance, in an organism with a single copy of a gene vital to the operation of the eye, that gene cannot mutate without being harmful to the creature that possess it. In an organism with two copies of that gene, however, the mutation of only one of the copies might lead to an improvement in the creature. So, in the example above, the 2 extra genes could, over time, both mutate to perform different functions within the creature. The creature's genome would not have lost information, as the information the genes originally contained would still exist in the first 10 genes. The genome, however, would then contain the new information coded for by the two extra, mutated genes. Thus, mutation would have added information to the genome.


No, the LAW of biogenesis says that complex, mulitcellular life doesn't spring into being fully formed from nothing. It says nothing about how extremely simple, rudimentary forms of single-celled life, or even of life so primitive it would not even have a cell, got going. It also has nothing to do with evolution, except to make it more likely, as species have to change and appear somehow, rather than just springing into being fully formed, which biogenesis would not allow.


No, that will be one example of evolution, if and when it occurs. As for the proof, that would be the fossil record and all of the experiments described in the articles I referenced, that you refuse to read about or to properly understand.


No, you wouldn't. This is an argument based on the Great Chain of Being, which is the religious theory that evolution replaced. We do, however, find many fossils that contain features of both earlier and later creatures believed to be related to it, which is exactly what the theory of evolution predicts.


Exactly! We believe that, if something can be shown to be true in a lab, repeatedly, then it is in fact true. You believe that if something can be shown to be true, in a lab, repeatedly, then it is . . . what, if it contradicts your pre-expectations? An illusion created by the devil? I don't know.

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

Mustafa, I have moved the posts dealing with evolution to a new thread, https://essayforum.com/essays-1/creationism-evolution-debate-6731/. In retrospect, I wish I had done that from the beginning. As it is, a couple of the posts here reference some of the posts that have been moved, as I have left some of my posts and Tyler's posts that respond directly to things you said, even if those posts also contain references to the moved posts. Still, this thread now mostly deals with discussion of your original essay topic, and those of us interested in the digression, as Tyler's post indicates he was, can continue the debate on a wholly separate thread.

If you and Tyler would like, I can go through the messages here and clean them up so as to excise any and all reference to the evolution debate. I will not, however, do this without first getting permission from both of you to carry out the alterations, for ethical reasons.

Grammar, Usage / Critical Thinking - to form well thought out and defensible arguments in papers [13]

This is an excellent thread. Developing critical thinking skills is the main goal of a liberal arts education. In addition to Simone's advice, I'd say one of the most important critical thinking skills is the ability to identify and to question people's premises. If you don't do this, you can find yourself mired in a debate that seems bogged down in misunderstanding, without really knowing why.

For instance, consider the debate over gay marriage. The debate generally breaks down into three camps -- those that oppose any form of same-sex unions, those that don't mind same-sex civil unions but oppose same-sex marriage, and those who support same-sex marriage. The distinction between the last two camps hinges entirely on a matter of semantics. Thus, in the "civil union" camp, you hear statements such as

"gay people should have the same legal rights as everyone else, but marriage should be only between a man and a woman"

whereas, in the "marriage" camp, you hear statements such as

"only when gay people can marry will they be fully equal before the law"

If you stop and think about these statements, you begin to realize that the disagreement seems very odd. Both sides are saying that they agree that gay people should be equal before the law. But, the one side believes that civil-unions can do this, while the other believes only marriage can. The difference lies in a premise. Namely, to the civil union side, marriage is primarily a religious sacrament, one that the government happens to reward in certain ways. To the marriage side, marriage is primarily a secular social structure that is sometimes celebrated with in a framework of religious faith.

Thus, to the civil union side, permitting gay marriage means potentially forcing religious institutions to administer sacraments to those God has decreed should not get them. They don't object to civil unions that offer same-sex couples the same legal benefits of marriage, though, as that poses no threat to their religious convictions. Whereas, to the marriage side, marriage is a secular term that happens to have roots in religion, but that is certainly not exclusively religious. To call marriages civil unions for same-sex couples therefore only highlights an unnecessary difference likely to perpetuate subtle, or even not-so-subtle, forms of homophobia.

To enter into the above debate without realizing that both sides are using the word "marriage" differently can only lead to frustration and misunderstanding. Unfortunately, though, premises are often not stated. So, in the above example, both sides often just assume a single definition of "marriage" shared by all.

So, to think critically, it helps to tease out the premises behind people's arguments, which often includes figuring out how they are using words that might mean something different to them than they do to you.

This is already a long post, so I'll end it for now, but later I'll add a post about critically interpreting statistics, which come just after "damn lies" in the pantheon of deception.

Grammar, Usage / Ethics of Writing Creative Non-Fiction [4]


I'd say there is also a rather large area in-between these two. More the point, I'd say that the distinction is more important in other types of writing. If he had been writing an article for a newspaper, let's say, in which he was writing an expose on homelessness in his city, then I would expect him to capture the essence of Joe's words as accurately as possible, and for Joe to be real. Mostly, that's because then he would be writing a piece in which his stated purpose would be to write a story that was true to Joe. In this case, though, his stated purpose, or rather, the one that was given to him, was


To me, that puts the essay firmly in the "creative" realm. Just think about how many Hollywood movies are "based" on true stories, yet have huge swaths of the material completely made up. All he has been asked to do is to capture a lesson that he has learned based on his personal experiences. Under such circumstances, Joe might easily be a composite of several homeless people he had met, with the incident emblematic of the larger truth he wishes to convey, rather than either Joe or the incident being "real," in the sense you seem to mean.

I'm not trying to convince you, btw, only to clarify my own stance. I suspect that this is a case where we will have to agree to disagree. That's okay, though -- it would be a dull world indeed where people were always in accord.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

Hmmm . . . let's try a different approach.

Is reality more fundamental than illusion? For instance, can we trust our sense more often than not? If I see a car coming down the road, it could be an actual car, or it could be a mirage or an hallucination. Now, which is it more likely to be -- an actual car, or a mirage? I don't know about you, but most of the cars I have seen, and bothered to test, have been real, rather than mirages and hallucinations. So, let us assume, then, that, if you are being honest rather than playing devil's advocate, that you will admit that the number of real cars we encounter is much greater than the number of illusory ones.

Not being Socrates, I won't make us go through the same example only with computers, tables, chairs, horses, and the like. I'll just go with the idea that reality is more fundamental than illusion.

Now, which is more common -- to experience yourself as a separate, slowly dying individual, or to experience yourself as being at one with everything? As you attribute the latter to something that only occurs during periods of extensive mediation, and as I assume you spend more time not meditating than meditating, then I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you will be forced to answer that you more often experience yourself as a separate person than as one with the universe. So, which, then, is more likely to be real and which the illusion?

Put another way, you are saying that for some reason, our perceptions are all wrong and misguided. This is certainly possible, but it seems exceedingly unlikely. The only reasonable scenario that would permit for this would be if we were being deliberately deceived, as by Descartes demon or the computer from the Matrix. And even then, the deceiver would have to possess most of the attributes you claim are illusory in our case, to be able to perpetrate the deception.

Grammar, Usage / Ethics of Writing Creative Non-Fiction [4]

I'd say it depends on the purpose of the writing. Really, most people repeat themselves, speak with all sorts of hesitations, mangle their grammar, and generally refuse to converse in accordance with the dictates of good writing. And that's when you can tape record them to be sure you remembered what they actually said. Any record based purely on memory has already been cleaned up and rewritten by the brain . No conversation you remember having happened exactly that way, and a great many of the conversations you think you remember didn't happen at all. In fact, some of the studies on how people remember events have raised some very interesting issues concerning whether eyewitness testimony should ever be allowed in trials, given that even the most honest testimony is going to be largely a work of fiction. So, I see no great problem changing Joe's speech to sound more realistic and to better convey the point the essayist wishes to make, especially as the essayist admits he can't remember anything beyond the impression of the original statement anyway. Even in creative non-fiction striving for accuracy, it is the essence, the Truth of the speech, as it were, that is most important, rather than the actual wording. Plus, this isn't a work of creative non-fiction striving for accuracy. It is a creative work that will ideally be rooted in the author's actual experiences, though Joe could be entirely fictional (and I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out he was, at that, though I'll take the essayist at his word for now) and the essay would lose nothing by it.

Writing Feedback / History, Royal Engineer essay. [6]

You also need to work on integrating your quotations better. "The following quote proves my point" is a horrible way of introducing a quotation.

"If the Royal Engineers had not tunnelled and destroyed the enemy trenches the British would have failed to take their position and this could have led to them losing more men trying to take the trenches which could have changed the outcome of the battle or battles. This is proven in the following quote. "Royal engineers were like the last piece of the puzzle without them you would fail to finish it." This quote proves my point as it shows that Royal Engineers were vital to the British for winning battles and ultimately the War."

might therefore become something like this:

If the Royal Engineers had not tunnelled and destroyed the enemy trenches, the British would have failed to take their position. This could have led to them losing more men trying to take the trenches, which in turn could have changed the outcome of the battles. So important were the Royal Engineers that one British general said of them that they "were like the last piece of a puzzle; without them you would fail to finish it." Clearly, the Royal Engineers were vital to the British war effort.

And of course, you would have to cite your source. I have no idea where the quotation comes from, so you will have to modify my example depending upon who actually said it.

Essays / Essay "The Library is a Shed of Knowledge" [4]

It would also help if you were to demonstrate your general points with specific examples. You have written an entire essay on the importance of libraries without mentioning a single specific book title, or even a single specific topic that libraries can help us research. Abstract ideas are like pieces of paper put on desk near a window -- they are apt to go whirling about chaotically unless firmly pinned down by things with more heft, in this case, concrete examples.

Undergraduate / Firmly believe it is the best university for me; U Ryerson; Why apply? [12]

On the off chance that you picked the three topics you did (or at least one or two of them) because the topics sort of interested you, rather than being burning passions of yours, you should bear in mind the following advice:

"The key to success in life is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made."

So, if you don't have a great deal of enthusiasm for one or more of the programs, go to the university website and see how they describe the programs. What does the university pride itself on? The departments themselves? What key words and concepts do they use in their sales pitch? Then, use those key ideas to craft an outline for an application essay that will reflect those ideas back at the university admissions people. It's really very easy to flatter people once you know what they pride themselves on. At the very least, such an approach will indicate to the admissions people that you cared enough to research the programs before applying to them.

Writing Feedback / People want stay healthy. Health is must to enjoy the life to the fullest. [7]

Conciseness is a virtue:

"For me it's even more necessary. Because I believefitness is the key to success for a physical therapist.

Also, don't forget that you can use your word processor's spellchecker on your drafts before you post them. This will eliminate a lot of minor errors and make your writing easier to read.

While you still have some grammatical errors, your thoughts are generally clear and easy to follow, which is promising.

Graduate / SOP - Ph.D in Environmental Engineering is the foundation [8]

A couple of minor fixes for your intro:

"Engineering is the foundation on which humankind builds its world and engineers can shapes the world into a better and more sustainable place to live."

"This is probably more true of Environmental Sciences than of any other field of study."

Writing Feedback / If you could invent something new, what product would you develop? (TOEFL essay) [10]

Bear in mind too that the TOEFL isn't a one shot deal. If you don't do well the first time, you can always take it again. So, try to relax, do the best you can, and consider the test on the 30th as a benchmark measurement. If your mark is high enough to meet your needs, then great! If not, you know where you are relative to where you want to be, which is always useful.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statements: Suggestions for revising? [6]

You could probably cut all of this

"My father always told me life wasn't fair. He was correct. The world I live in isn't necessarily one you would want to live in. Trust is obsolete, crimes against humanity are still abundant, and love is a rarity." It's mostly a pile of cliches, whereas everything after this is fresh and personal.

Also, you might want to add a sentence or two near the end of your next-to-last paragraph in which you explain how you hope to change the world through animation.

For the second paper, try picking a single event or activity that you think exemplifies your dedication, and talk about that in detail. A single colorful anecdote is usually better than an essay that merely lists, especially when you have probably provided an actual list of those events and activities elsewhere in your application.

Research Papers / Research Paper on Life situation [4]

Anecdotal evidence is the very core of sociology, so you should be on solid ground referencing your own experiences, though you should most definitely clear the topic with your teacher first. Just remember that you will have to try to step back from the experience and evaluate it objectively, even though you the memories you are describing may have some strong emotional resonances for you.

Speeches / Speech on Finding a Job After Graduation [5]

Add more specific details, concrete example, anecdotes you may have heard about or even personally experienced, that bear on the topics. As Simone says, statistics are good, and you should definitely have some that back up your points, but you also need narrative elements if you want your speech to be interesting.

Also, what time limit do you have to work with. Your draft seems a bit short, at the moment, so lengthening it with more details seems like it would be a really good idea. But, if you have to cram everything into 60 seconds of carefully delivered speech, then your task becomes more difficult, because you'll still need the extra detail, but you'll have to be extremely concise to fit it all in.

Grammar, Usage / Simple ways of improving my writing and structure. [8]

Sometimes, too, people start writing just to write themselves into an idea. As a result, their first paragraph or two might be verbose, off-topic, overly general, or some combination of these three. In such cases, simply go back and delete your first paragraph or two once you have figured out what you want to write about.

Also, if you are going to be writing for exams, you probably want to focus less on revision, and more on how to write so as to minimize the need for revision, as you won't have time to really rework your essays on an exam. One of the keys to coming up with a first draft that is able to stand on its own is to revise as you go. That is, make sure you are constantly rereading what you have just written, to see how everything connects together. So, you write your topic sentence for a paragraph. Then, you reread it to see how it sounds before writing the next sentence in the paragraph, in order to develop a strong transition between the two sentences. Once you have your second sentence, you go back and quickly reread both of the first two sentences before writing the third one. Once you have finished a paragraph, go back and reread the entire paragraph before moving on to the next one. Obviously, you will tend to reset at the end of each paragraph, simply in order to conserve time. Still, this will catch most grammatical and spelling errors, while improving the flow of your writing. It will also make you less likely to repeat yourself.