Undergraduate / UC essay: How my world has shaped me, from denial to embrace [2]

Lei, right now this essay sounds more like a "central identity" paper than a "world shaped my traits essay". The reason I say that is because you mostly discuss how you found yourself and the niche to belong to in the two worlds that you live in rather than how belonging to these two worlds that are in conflict within you helped to shape your dreams and ambitions in life. I suggest that you revise the essay to better reflect the dreams and ambitions that have been shaped by your experience living in two worlds. If you feel like the two worlds theme does not work for you, then discuss how your parents have helped you shape your dreams and ambitions. You did mention that they were quite supportive and they allowed you to make your own decisions. So that world, the world that you come from where your parents are there to guide you in a less constricted way makes the essay more interesting and aligned with the prompt requirements.

The essay states "the world that you belong to". Don't take that to literally mean the country or town that you live in. The "world that you belong to" can be the world that you live in with your parents, your world in school with your classmates and teachers, even the world that you share with your friends. Think outside the box. Don't limit yourself to just discussing the world as it pertains to where you live. This kind of essay requires out of the box answers. So by discussing a different world, the private one that you live in with your parents, peers, teachers, or classmates, you will be able to accurately represent the world that you live in and how it has shaped your dreams and ambitions in life. I have to reiterate this because there is nothing in the current essay form that shows any dreams and ambitions that were shaped by the events that you depicted. You described the development of your central identity to a certain degree instead.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, technology and social media is the fourth need of people after food, shelter and clothes [2]

Nisarg, you need to review the content of your essay. While you wrote a very good essay, it does not fully respond to the prompt because you failed to properly represent and discuss the positive and negative impact of technology upon the relationships of people and the effect that technology has on the relationships of people. Your essay title is good, addressing the fact that technology has now become the 4th basic need of people. Yet somehow, you failed to properly discuss the background of the title in relation to the prompts.

For example, for the prompt asking about how technology has affected the relationships people make, I would present the positive and the negative as follows.

1. Technology like Facebook and Twitter have allowed relatives and friends to stay in touch even if they move to other parts of the world.
2. There are many criminal acts that now take place because of casual acquaintances made through the same mediums. Often resulting in murder and hate crimes.

When it comes to discussing the positive development, explain how technology has allowed people to make friends in a global world. Time differences and vast locations no longer matter when making friends and keeping those friendships alive. The negative, is that people tend to use the anonymity of the internet to do harm to others as proven by the rising cases of online bullying.

Those are just some ideas that I think you could better play around with in order to create a more solid and well discussed essay :-) Localizing the content of your essay by mentioning some events that are only known to the people of India limits the effectiveness of your statements as not all your readers can relate to what you are saying.

Scholarship / Obviously, direct communication makes conversations more clear and smooth [2]

Laurita, what is the exact prompt that you are trying to answer here? It is marked as a scholarship essay but it sounds more like a TOEFL practice test, so which is it? For a TOEFL practice test, I have to tell you that it is too short and does not follow the IBC writing requirements that are used for the TOEFL tests. You need to have an effective introduction, body, and conclusion for your essay.

All of those parts get their own paragraphs, so this bundle of a statement is really not in line with the prompt. Each paragraph needs to be fully developed with 3 or more sentences per paragraph. Most students feel comfortable using 5 sentence per paragraph so you will need to feel your way around that requirement. Since you have numbered your reasons in this essay, you should also offer a full paragraph of developed ideas for each numbered reason, separating each reason as a paragraph.

Your conclusion is also improper because you presented a new idea in the last paragraph instead of summarizing the essay prompt, reasons, and your opinion. Please remember that your opinion needs to be stated as a paragraph before the conclusion. the hard rule of essay writing is that nobody is allowed to present a new idea as part of the conclusion. So you need to revise that as well.

Having critiqued the negative parts of your essay, take heart in knowing that your line of reasoning is actually very good. It can be even better once you learn to fully defend and develop your reasoning in the proper manner befitting a TOEFL essay. Yes, I said TOEFL because there is absolutely no way that this kind of prompt would be used for a scholarship application. Please double check the requirements of the essay, you did not write a scholarship essay.

Undergraduate / People around me always consider me as a bird of a different feather. UC Prompt 1 [8]

You can use this essay for that prompt Li-Wei. It pretty much answers all of the prompt requirements about how you can succeed at Penn State. I would advice you to strengthen your positive attributes as a student though in order to highlight your ability to perform well academically. You should also present a more positive outlook on your social activities at the moment so that you can portray yourself as a socially well adjusted person whose drawbacks in life only meant more success instead of obstacles that you had to overcome. If you would like to have a try at restating the essay for the new prompt, I would be more than happy to help you polish it :-)

Undergraduate / "My Life Incubator: Target" - Common App Essay Prompt 4 [8]

I would be more than happy to make suggestions regarding the second prompt. It would be best though that I wait until I have seen what you have come up with in your repurposing of the essay so that I can properly assess the content and alignment with the prompt. Just remember that you will need to keep the essence of the original paper while restating everything in a new manner. If you want to, you can keep the portions that you think are vital to the essay without revising or adding to that content. That way you will not risk getting something lost in translation. Work on the restated prompt and I will see what we can do to improve it or if it requires improvement :-)

Research Papers / Lupus and its Lifestyle - Research Paper [4]

Just post it to this thread Martiana, if you start a new thread it will just be merged here since you already started this one. The forum rules require one essay per thread per author. Remember, post the whole essay and the instructions consisting of:

1. The prompt that needs to be answered
2. The specific instructions of the professor
3. The required writing format (MLA, APA, Chicago) for proper in-text citation and reference formatting considerations
4. What you want us to be on the look out for regarding your paper.

Undergraduate / "My Life Incubator: Target" - Common App Essay Prompt 4 [8]

If you want to use this essay for the contentment app, then yes, you have to revise the essay in its entirety. Should you choose to use this essay for the second app instead, then you won't have to revise it very much. It actually answers the second prompt more than the first one which you wrote it for. You will just have to make a few adjustments to the essay in order to make it fully work for the second app but it will definitely work. In fact, I suggest that you go ahead and use this essay for the second essay prompt instead. That will save you the bother of having to develop a new topic and essay for that prompt. Just develop a new one for the previous prompt. Remember though that whatever you choose to do, we will all be here to help you review and develop it :-)

Undergraduate / I never saw myself as an average child - Elon Scholarship Essay [2]

Lauren, this is a very effective essay. You closely adhere to the prompt and explain how Stephen Hawking and your grandmother inspired your medical dreams. I would have like to see a stronger hook at the beginning of your essay though. Opening it with the statement that you father read thick books of complexity doesn't really interest the reader immediately. I suggest that you revise that part to instead reflect what drew you to read Stephen Hawking's biography instead. Maybe you had an interest in science that you did not realize you had until you came across his books which then led you to learn more about the man who made the "Big Bang" theory the most controversial scientific topic of all time? Whatever the reason was for your being drawn to his works and biography will be part of the reason that you were drawn into the medical world. The same goes for your grandmother. You can add a touch to that by claiming to have developed an interest in Oncology, thus creating a personal relationship between you and your desire to pursue a medical degree. These are just some small suggestions I am making for your consideration and hopefully, the further betterment of your already well written essay :-)

Research Papers / Lupus and its Lifestyle - Research Paper [4]

Martiana, you have a very interesting research paper that I am looking forward to reviewing.We have a problem though, you forgot to cut and paste the paper into the thread. Don't try to upload a file, we won't be able to see that here. Use the cut and paste method to get a copy to us and then make sure to supply us with the requirements of the research paper so that we will be able to base our review on the proper guidelines from your professor. We can help you with all of your concerns and we look forward to doing it, as soon as we get a copy of the paper for review :-)

Undergraduate / Meeting James Watson, best day of your life. VTech Supplement [4]

Kumar, have you given any thought to lessening the story about the trip to the event place and instead discussing more about what transpired during the event? If you speak more about what you heard, learned, and shared during that day, leading up to meeting James Watson, you may be able to create a more effective conclusion for yourself. We are talking about the best day of your life so you should concentrate on the events of the day itself instead of giving us the back story in such a lengthy manner. Don't even tell us about the bus ride. Just talk about what transpired at the event for you. Try to elaborate about the meeting that you had with M.r. Watson. Explain what it felt like for you and why that meeting has to be the best day of your life (so far). By lessening the back story and concentrating on just the event you will find that the word count will immediately be cut to almost half of the requirement :-)

Undergraduate / "My Life Incubator: Target" - Common App Essay Prompt 4 [8]

Lan, the essay that you wrote is really informative and tells us about your background. However, it does not answer the prompt. What the admissions officer wants to know is where you feel content. Unfortunately, that connection does not exist for you in this essay. Target was far from being a place of contentment to you. It was a place where you learned things about life, which is not the same as feeling contentment. to better answer the prompt you should think of a place where you feel safe, secure, and complete. This could be any place that you want. You could even use Target if you want to, just make sure to tie it to a sense of contentment rather than a sense of learning so that the prompt can be properly answered. Any place where you feel satisfied even just by sitting there, such as a park or playground, is the place where you feel content. Find that place for yourself and write about it :-)

Undergraduate / "Young antique" - challenge myself; common prompt1 essay [7]


- Field training for what? Be as specific as possible, don't leave the reader guessing since this essay is supposed to be a preliminary interview that will help the admissions officer get to know you.

While the essay itself has vastly improved, there are still some areas that need clarification. I suggest that you explain why you developed a fear for trying new things and about harm coming to you. What were the reasons behind it? Did it stem from over protective parents? Teachers who feared you would have an accident during class? What made you a person fearful of the world around you? By explaining the reasons behind the fear, we will understand why it became important for you to complete the challenge you were given and how it affected the change in your personality and life.

Undergraduate / Unbalanced - I always take a closer consideration to things now. Common app prompt 1 [7]

This is a good start for your essay. Draft wise it contains all of the possible ideas that you can discuss within the essay. However, I feel that you should concentrate more on the issue of self-image as opposed to the image that society sees of you. That is the central theme that I have gathered from your essay and I can tell that it is the issue that has most helped develop your central identity. In my opinion, you should open you essay with the following line from your draft :


. Use that as the basis of the main essay theme. Discuss how you met Beth and how her condition opened your eyes to the fact that beauty is truly in the eyes of the beholder and cannot be based on physical appearance or body weight alone. Then explain your background as being overweight or whatever, launching into how you used to try to keep changing yourself until Beth entered your life. Then from then on, you realized that you were beautiful just the way you are and that it is society that needed to learn to accept you because you already accepted who you are as you are. That would be a good 2nd draft that we can work on further improving :-)

Undergraduate / "The Code is Mightier Than The Pen" - NYU Supplementary Essay [10]

I made my comments below and also restructured a paragraph for you to hopefully make it work better :-)


- This is a totally unnecessary and disconnected addition to the paragraph. Just leave the paragraph as is. It works best that way :-)


- Your sentence at the end best sums this sentiment up. If you keep this sentence, you will have to explain it. The last sentence includes an implied explanation already :-)


- The best placement for this sentence would be as follows :
Being a person who learns kinesthetically, NYU will give me the proper balance in real life and classroom learning to maximize my education. In the morning, I may very well be sitting in a lecture hall, but in the afternoon I could be interning for a startup helping build the next great human technological advancement. I hope to contribute to NYU's excellence and continue my own endeavors of creating code that benefits society.

Undergraduate / Creation of a program, and how it developed me. UC App Personal Statement 2 [2]

Wilson, this is definitely an accomplishment that you should be proud of even if it happened at a very young age. The reason for that is that your acceptance was a feat unto itself and the subsequent performance that you did was a high profile event. This lays the foundation to perceive you as a unique individual who is capable of performing feats beyond your expected abilities and age. There are some grammar errors that need to be corrected though. I will present these corrections to you below :-)


- ... and a fast beating heart...


- ... approached the podium...


- .. violin to life and...




- ... rejectioncrept below...


- ...accompanied by shame, waited for me at the last chair of the section.

-I began to feel unnecessary in the orchestra. I considered leaving to save myself from embarrassment. Yet, I found a way to brush the negative thoughts aside in order to submerge myself into the music, which always lifted away my doubts. I began to develop close relationships with my fellow musicians after a period of time and, while discussing with them, I slowly began to develop an idea, a concept that would establish camber quartets... and to prevent other future members from having my experience.

- As the leader of the program, I learned break free of my inhibitions and think out of the box. I began to lead others and learned how to speak to strangers in a formal manner. Any performance mistakes that I made only served to fuel my desire to improve my craft further for the benefit of the ensemble. Tough preparations for performances brought a greater sense of accomplishments I no longer doubted myself after the success of my quarter program. I finally belonged and learned how to use my past experiences to further develop the traits that have helped to shape the person I have become. I now belonged to a musical family, the Virtuosi and learned that it is possible to overcome any challenges provided I was willing to take a chance on myself, with or without the support of others.

I reworded some paragraphs to create a better impression or impact. I felt that some of the paragraphs needed shortening and revisions so I took the liberty of doing it for you. I hope you approve :-)

Undergraduate / "The Code is Mightier Than The Pen" - NYU Supplementary Essay [10]

Lan, see if this 342 version of the essay works for you :-) I rearranged some parts and edited certain portions. I do not feel like the changes affected your message. I hope you feel the same after reading it :-)

Someone once told me, "If you are good at something, there will always be a thousand people who are better than you." At NYU, there are thousands who are just as inspired, smart, connected, bold, and passionate as myself. When you place all these people together, the possibilities for creation are limitless. As a student at NYU, I will have the opportunity to create with similar-minded people and at the same time receive a world-class education in the world's most diverse urban agglomeration.

As an organizer for HsHacks - the largest high school only student-run hackathon in the United States; I have experienced first hand the impact that programming has. When young people see that they have created working code from scratch, it inspires them to continue to create. The power to create is an unstoppable force. The power of computer science can be summed up by a new metonymic adage: "The code is mightier than the pen."...

Undergraduate / "Studying history is important to me because history is all-encompassing" Cornell Essay help [7]

Daniel, while the essay is fine as it is, I believe that adding an anecdote at the start will help explain the foundation of your current intellectual interests Since your interests are not common among most people, it would be fascinating to learn about how it developed. More importantly, it will help highlight the reasons why you believe that Cornell will be the best place / university to help further hone your interests and skills in this particular field. Try to make the anecdote interesting and relevant to your latter discussions in a collective manner. Just present one all encompassing anecdote to tie the whole essay together. Good work by the way. It is a very interesting and relevant essay. It was a joy for me to read :-) The addition of the anecdote should make it even lighter and more involving for the reader.

Graduate / HOW TO STRESS MY JOB AS A RESEARCHER MORE EFFECTIVELY? sop-civil Eng. [9]

Hamed, an SOP specifically states that you talk about the "Purpose" of your application. That discussion is based solely upon your professional qualifications at present. Answer only the required questions, provide only definite answers in relation to it. Answer only the 4 questions I provided to you. That is all that is required of you at this point. You can talk about your other qualifications in another prompt. Possibly your personal statement or any prompt better suited to a qualifications discussion. If you are looking to find work at the university while you are a student there, the statement of purpose is NOT the place to offer your credentials. Wait till you are already a student at the university and look at the work employment or apprenticeship positions that will be posted in the student bulletin board and see what you qualify for. Present all of your relevant credentials during that application process. Do not muddle the issue by trying to make yourself a viable candidate for a job with a professor who does not require an assistant at this point. Just state the purpose of your application. Don't present anything else that is not required or will only make the essay boring and confusing to read. Keep it short and your application will be better off for it.

At this point,YOUR ONLY CONCERN is to MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION ON THE ADMISSIONS OFFICER AND COMMITTEE. Work on getting into the school first and do not rely solely on the credentials you have already submitted. Each document you submit for their consideration is a part of the evaluation process. Don't rest your laurels on what you think is a strong application. The admissions officer and committee may have other ideas about what constitutes a strong and worthy student application. In other words, what you think is strong may be weak in their point of view. Any student assistant application can wait until you actually are a student in the school already. Don't jump too far ahead because these assistant positions will open up during the school year and you will have to apply for the position then. Ask yourself this, are you applying for admission to PhD school at this university or are you applying for a job at the university? If you are applying for a job then write a job application letter. If you want to attend PhD school, then write a statement of purpose to get into the school, not to get a job at the school. The choice is yours. This is all I can advice you.

Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages of arranged marriages as compared to love marriages [2]

Ahmed, is this paper to be submitted as a response paper, comparison essay, or opinion paper? Can you providing the guiding prompt that you were given for this paper so that we can offer a better suited review regarding the content and format? I somehow feel that this is supposed to be some sort of formal academic writing paper either in the MLA or APA format but since you did not provide such information, I am not sure which format to use for advising you. Also, I see that you have in-text citations in the paper. Those in-text citations need to be properly formatted in order for it to become academically acceptable and verifiable. The essay is also too wordy. It is longer than it should be in my opinion and I know that it can be brought down immensely in length once you have provided the prompt or directions for the essay. Please do so at the soonest possible time so that we can better assist you with your essay review requirements :-)

Undergraduate / "The Code is Mightier Than The Pen" - NYU Supplementary Essay [10]

HI Lan, you have certainly written a very convincing essay here. It is quite informative and has adhered to the prompt requirements very well. However, I feel that you have concentrated too much on the academic side instead of offering a more well-rounded essay covering the academic and social aspects of your future relationship with NYU. You can actually do away with your introductory sentences and simply provide an immediate answer starting your essay off with


, which is the direct and immediate answer to the provided prompt. After that, you can offer a second paragraph that states something about the vibrant social life at NYU, what it has to offer you and how you look forward to participating in it and how you may be able to help bring a new kind of energy to the vibrant community. I believe that by covering the academic and social aspects of the university life in this essay, you will have a better and even stronger essay to present for their consideration :-)

Graduate / HOW TO STRESS MY JOB AS A RESEARCHER MORE EFFECTIVELY? sop-civil Eng. [9]

No Hamed, that still does not work. Do not waste the time of the admissions officer by placing so many word fillers at the start of your essay.He or she does nto have the time to wade through a wordy essay just to find out what your purpose for study is. He or she has more essays to read and finish analyzing during his or her work day. Go directly to the point. What field of interest are you applying for a PhD degree in? Why are you interested in it? What is the purpose of your higher studies? Those are the questions that you must provide overview answers to within your introductory paragraph. Steve Jobs and your dreams and aspirations from earlier in life have nothing to do with it. This course and all its elements are all about your views for your future and your future in your chosen profession. So look forward instead of backward. Inspiring quotes from other people are good in high school and college applications but do not really work at the PhD level where your only inspiration should be your personal desire to compete, achieve, and lead in your current profession :-) That is what you need to reflect in your essay. Nothing more nothing less, most specially for the introductory paragraphs.

Undergraduate / My life, for as long as I can remember, has been rather good. I have always had advantages. UC essay [4]

Navin, can you provide me with the UC prompt that you are planning to use this essay for so I can better decide upon whether you can repurpose this essay or not? I would really appreciate it :-) That said, I have to tell you that repurposing your essay for use in a different school prompt does not come without hardships. You see, the essay will need to be carefully reworded, rephrased, and rewritten in order to make it seem more different than the original. When that process is done, you may find that there were portions where things got lost in translation or totally disappeared content-wise. I think you can avoid such pitfalls if you work with us here to make sure that the essence of the essay has remained the same even if you repurposed the paper though :-)

Undergraduate / The world I come from : small city / digital world (Two ideas - choice) - MIT [6]

Melati, I am offering a different opinion regarding your choice of worlds. As per my analysis of the requirements of the essay, the true world that you come from is best described by the first essay that you wrote. Why did I say that? It is because the first essay relays the message that your parents served to inspire your desire to become a doctor. As the essay prompt states, you need to describe a world where your parents, peers, or school helped to shape your dreams and aspirations. You have made the point that your parents were an integral part of the world you came from with regards to supporting your medical school ambitions. That clearly answers the prompt requirements.

However, you are mistaken when you say that you come from the online world just because the opportunity to apply to MIT would not have existed for you before. The limits of your dream were not hindered by your location or the abilities of your country to send students overseas for school. Long before the internet became the method of choice for applying for studies abroad, there were already students just like you from other countries who attended MIT, Harvard, Brown, Columbia, and other universities. No Melati, your dreams are not limited by the world you see. You are the limitation of your dream. If you say you cannot do something, then it does not matter what the online world, offers, you won't be able to do it.

So here is what I suggest, use the first prompt since it best answers the requirements of the essay prompt. Delete the part about the limitations of your dream and instead, develop the paragraph about your world where your parents support you and your dreams. Discuss how they did that since they are an integral part of this essay. 3 paragraphs should be complete for this essay. The first paragraph introduces the world you come from (your parents supporting your dream), the second describes how that world evolves (your parents doing what they can to help you achieve your dreams), then the conclusion which explains how everything they did to support you and your dreams has shaped your dreams and aspirations for the future.

As for your second essay, I do not feel that it completely provides the information required by the prompt and cannot compare to the possible improvements and enhancements that you can easily provide in the first essay, which already carries the elements in the essay prompt that just need to be polished and expanded in order to make it even better. My opinion is that you have a better shot using the first essay :-)

Undergraduate / I'll tell you something about me: I am alive... Penn State Personal Statement [2]

Kyra, I have a bit of advice for you. Rather than positioning the essay to show that you are alive, why not make it show something else? Instead of saying "I am alive", say "I was lost but found my way back" and then start with how your parents divorce affected you and then go into some details about your downward spiral, highlighting the event that made you realize that you could still turn things around for yourself. Then expand upon how you found yourself and continue to improve yourself by using the tragedy in your life as an inspiration to always do better in your life. Show us that you want to prove your detractors and your parents (if it applies to them as well) wrong. That will be a better statement than saying "I am alive" because you were never dead and neither did you have a health scare that could have ended with you dead. If you meant you were dead spiritually then you have to revise the whole essay to reflect that :-)

Undergraduate / People around me always consider me as a bird of a different feather. UC Prompt 1 [8]

Alan, what you wrote is a personal statement, not an essay about the world that you come from. While there are points in your essay that touch on that prompt, the overall essay does not fully describe the world you came from and how it helped shape your vision. The reason that this happened is that you included a few statements that do not relate to the prompt. The paragraphs that I am referring to are as follows:


Once you remove these paragraphs and then develop more paragraphs around describing how your world made you feel restless and depressed. Then use that emotion to describe how you slowly realized that you were being stifled in Chinese schools so you developed a desire to break free and study where you could enjoy freedom and a sense of self that was not influenced by your traditional culture and tradition. This is not an essay about wanting to become an architect. That is not the question being asked. You are being asked to describe how the world that you came from helped you to become the person that you are today. So any references to your chosen major does not have a place in this essay.

Undergraduate / Samsae-third generation Korean immigrant-born in Japan - learned of my Korean and Japanese heritage [10]

Here is what you can do in order to highlight your hybrid personality. Leave this particular essay as is for now and write a second one. A totally new one in which you discuss the positive and negative aspects of being a third generation Samsae. What was it like growing up? How did you feel when you're heritage was questioned? How did you manage to merge both worlds on your own? What makes your story special is the fact that you have two highly different and unique blood lines to call upon on your world. Try to make the specialness of these two worlds reflect in your essay. Be sure to let us know that in the end, you were the only person who knew how to merge these two worlds into one person in order to create a unique Samsae in your person.

After you do that post the essay here so we can compare the two and talk about which particular version would work best for you. It is the only way we can play up the hybrid heritage on your part. I hope you won't mind having to write a new essay. I am willing to work with you on it if you feel that you want to try that route :-)

Undergraduate / I come from a world of fantasy - The World that inspired me is the Anime World. [7]

Andrew, while you present a very vivid and inclusive description of the two worlds that you come to, I am afraid that your essay did not manage to go beyond that. You were not really able to explain how belonging to these two worlds helped to shape your dreams and visions because you did not present any dreams or visions in your essay.All you presented was an idea of how your dreams and hopes would continue for as long as your excitement for these two worlds exist. We need to see something more solid in this essay. Something along the lines of the two worlds merging and developing your interest in a specific field of study, hobby, or view about life. That is the message that the essay is asking you to deliver as you discuss the world that you came from. It is in understanding this world where you developed into the person that you are today that we will truly understand how you arrived at this point in your life. Try to revise the essay to be a reflection of that need in the essay.

Undergraduate / Samsae-third generation Korean immigrant-born in Japan - learned of my Korean and Japanese heritage [10]


- Since my sophomore year in high school ...

The essay is as good as it can be in my opinion. It already represents you in a way that I can tell truly satisfies your wish to be identified through this essay. There are still some portions that you can edit to make the essay shorter, such as the events that happen to you at the museum. I am suggesting this because the museum is not the world that you come from and yet it takes up half the essay content. The world that you come from is the hybrid Japanese and Korean world. I believe you should be concentrating more on that aspect of your personality in the essay but I believe you do not feel too comfortable discussing that so we can stick to what you want to discuss :-) If you feel the same way as I do, then the essay is ready to use. If you think you want to work on it some more, then let me know what you want to do so that I can help you with it :-)

Undergraduate / Criminology as my planned major - UC Transfer Personal Statement [3]

Oscar, I was wondering if you have given any thought of how you can connect your volunteer experience with safety and security which is a major part of law enforcement? The reason that I am making this suggestion is because you were always placed in a position of responsibility with children or members of the community who would not know how to protect themselves in instances of danger. You being a law enforcement minded individual would always have their safety at the forefront of your mind. It would be very possible that while you were doing these other activities, you would also be looking out for them and keeping them safe somehow. If you can present something in that light, I am sure that you will be able to present a side of you that has relevant volunteer work experience :-)

Graduate / Without continual growth and progress - improvement, achievement, and success terms have no meaning. [5]

Dan, the problem with your essay is that you rely too much on your college experience rather than your professional experience. As a masters degree student, you are expected to have completed at least 2 years of hands on work experience in the field of study that you are requesting to be admitted to. That means that more weight shall be given in the consideration of your application to your professional rather than academic experiences. That said, you can still revise the essay to better suit a statement of purpose for masters studies. There are really only a number of factors you have to present for consideration in this particular essay. These factors are:

1. The field of study you are interested in in relation to your current career.
2. The reasons for your desire to achieve higher education levels in this field.
3. A brief summary of your college education.
4. Your current work experience in relation to the field of master studies.
5. Your short and long term goals that relate to the the need for higher academic training.

Once you shorten the essay and reflect these information in it, I will be able to help you further with the word count and paragraph editing to tighten the essay while keeping it informative just the same :-)

Undergraduate / As I matured I experienced increasing stress in combination with a lack of sleep. CommonApp [3]


- Amy, the term you want to use here is either a bath soak or a tub. A shower means you are standing under a shower head with water raining upon you. What you describe in the essay is a bath soak which is done in the bath tub :-)

Aside from that very minor correction in your essay, the overall effect of the written words are a sensory involvement that is not normally found in these types of essays. Your description was all involving and appealed to the sense of tranquility that most bath takers have when they soak in the tub. The reasons that you feel content in the tub, soaking away is quite acceptable and offers an insight into the kind of personality that you have and how you deal with stress. This is an excellent piece of writing that you should be very proud to turn in with your other essay apps :-)

Undergraduate / Walking around the top observation deck of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, I realized my dream [4]

Karen, this does not sound like an accomplishment essay because it does not truly mark a transition to adulthood on your part. Participating in this program may have been the fulfillment of your dreams and a representation of what you can accomplish in life but because the rest of the essay dealt with other topics other than this particular, life changing event, it became more of an accomplishment than a transition essay. This essay is not about your dreams or ambitions. It is not about realizing your potential for the future either. This essay is meant to discuss an event in your life that made you a more mature and responsible individual. The essay that you chose to deliver does not represent that.

Revise the essay to tell the story of something important in your life that led to a more mature outlook or understanding of yourself and the world around you. The topics could include the responsibility that you had to take on after the death of a leading family member, a tradition such as a Quinceneara or Bar Mitzvah, or a certain family tradition that is performed by members of the family as a certain age to mark their acceptance into the family as an adult.

I am not saying that you wrote a bad essay, I am saying that you wrote a good essay that answers a different prompt. Keep this essay for now. I may come in handy in the future when you have to answer a common app essay that is more aligned with this theme :-)

Undergraduate / Elon Gap Semester Program gives me the opportunity to learn in a completely new and innovative way [2]

Excellent work Lauren! I would not change any part of this essay because it answers the prompt in a clear manner and presents your various traits and abilities in relation to your potential to succeed and serve the community during the gap year. It is short but informative and highlights the important points of your other volunteer activities which places a spotlight on the contributions you can make as you participate in the gap year. If you have any other relevant experiences, you should be sure to mention it in the same manner in order to further highlight your passions and how you will definitely be an asset during the gap year. I congratulate you on a job well done. You have definitely come a long way since the first paper you submitted for review here :-)

Graduate / HOW TO STRESS MY JOB AS A RESEARCHER MORE EFFECTIVELY? sop-civil Eng. [9]

You don't really need these paragraphs because they are no longer relevant to the advanced studies you are applying to . Why are you insisting on turning this into a college level application essay when you are trying to write a statement of purpose for the PhD level? I asked you to simply summarize your college experience and yet here I see you going all the way back to your high school experience. Those are not necessary for your application. Delete these paragraphs and instead concentrate on the missing aspect of your essay, your professional experience in relation to your masters studies and the need to achieve a PhD level of studies as well. You cannot just mention that you had students who have completed PhD degrees. You need to explain how the PhD will be relevant in your line of work. How will it help your career? What are your plans for after you complete the degree? These are the most important questions that need to be answered in your essay. Deleting the two paragraphs I mentioned and answering these questions in its place should help you fix the content of the essay :-)

Scholarship / Fulbright-García Robles Scholarship (comexus) - Study Objectives [2]

Mariana, the essay is definitely wordy and needs to be cut down. The problem is that you are trying to over express yourself in the English language. You need to simply state the facts and not try to dramatize the content. You can do this by simply presenting the objective if your studies in the first or introductory paragraph. Once you have established the reason behind your desire to complete these studies, everything else will fall into place and shorten in length. I advice you to keep this down to 4 informative paragraphs at the most. Breakdown your paragraphs into the following content:

1. Introduction - The field of study you wish to enroll in and why. Avoid any references going back to your childhood dreams and aspirations.Those are irrelevant at this point in your life. That is not important here. If there is a social or scientific problem that you wish to solve, then mention it. That is the reason for the interest in your field of study.

2. Body 1 - The method you plan on using to achieve the solution to the problem you wish to solve. These will be part of your study objectives.

3. Body 2 - Your expected outcome or results upon graduation.

4. Conclusion - How you expect these studies to help change the field you work in or help you achieve more in the field of work you are in.

Just keep it simple. You don't need to over emphasize in a study objective essay. Relate the facts as needed and in relation to your desired advanced field of study. Do not dwell too much on the past as you do in this current essay. You are supposed to be applying to one of the most important scholarships in the world. Don't waste the time of the reviewer by making him read all about your past failures and successes. This is all about looking towards the future and how you can create your memorable niche in that world. Right now, your essay does not work in offering a study objectives essay.

Letters / COVER LETTER FOR UN SECURITY OFFICER POST [4]

Here is a sample for you to follow:

Dear Mr. G.I. Joe:

I am quite interested in presenting myself as a candidate for the position of U.N. Security Officer as announced by the XXX office. My education, skills and experience have all developed in such a manner that would make me the most suitable candidate for this position. It is my belief that I am also a worthy candidate for this position because of my advanced training in this field under XXX and hands on experience relating to the necessary tasks for this job.

Having worked as a XXX at XXX I made sure that I would develop a strong and notable list of accomplishments on the job. Accomplishments that would show me consistently climbing the promotional hierarchy of the office that I serve. I have displayed an uncanny ability to XXXX (Mention your office related skills in relation to the position you are applying to. )

I am quite enthusiastic about discussing the possibility of my assuming this position at the soonest possible time. I plan to call your office on (mention a date) to follow up on my application. If you wish to contact me for more details about my application, please don't hesitate to call or email me. I hope to present my candidacy in person at the soonest possible time.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my application.

Sincerely,

ec: Resume and reference letters.

Remember, this is just a sample. Your letter may be presented in a different way. The format is a decision you have to make for yourself. I am just offering an option as to how to write the letter.

Undergraduate / "Young antique" - challenge myself; common prompt1 essay [7]

Cheng, while I understand the reason why you were being called a "young antique", I think that there is a disconnection between that paragraph and the succeeding paragraph about the challenge from your coach. We do not understand what sport you were playing or being challenged to accomplish You also need to explain further regarding the reasons why the memories you recalled as your began the challenge pushed you to take the plunge and do something you have never done before. The essay just seems to be lacking a sense of clarity regarding the connection between the challenge and the "young antique" statement. Why did the fear suddenly turn into desire? Perhaps you should first decide upon what trait of yours you wish to discuss in this essay then develop a clearer and more easily discussed essay around it. This essay is just confusing to the reader and does not really explain how this event became a central identity building event in your life.

Writing Feedback / I'm in need of help on how to convey myself better [4]

You are way off tangent in trying to answer the prompt. You needed to pick a place, not an activity to describe in this essay. Don't describe the game that was being played. That is not of importance to this essay. If you feel content on the football field, then explain why. We are looking for a place, not an activity. How the game was played is irrelevant to this essay. If you wish to discuss the football field as the place where you feel most content, use the following sentence from your previous essay as the jumping off point for your revision:


- Add the word field after the word soccer in order to make this sentence completely address the essay prompt and then begin to explain the sense of contentment that you feel on soccer field. Soccer is just a sport being played. It is not relevant to the essay prompt. However, the soccer field, that is a real place where one may be able to achieve a sense of contentment. You can definitely discuss the soccer field in this essay.

Try to revise the essay using my suggestions so that we can see if it is totally possible to use the soccer field as the reference point for this essay.

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

Hi Azucena :-) Listen, I have read enough versions of your essay to consider myself quite familiar with the points of discussion in it. I might be able to piece together a template for you to follow with regards to writing your essay is you can tell me what the point you are trying to make is. My idea is to take what the essence of your point is and then recreate it for you in a way that you will be able to easily use it as a guide for your own version of the essay. If you can tell me, in number format, the exact points you want to get across, I might be able to help you come up with something that will work for this essay. Get the list of information to me as soon as you can and I will try to come up with something for you as soon as possible :-)

Writing Feedback / My responsibilities and contributions to my household [2]

- I grew up in a community where children were expected to help out with the simple household chores. For me, this meant doing chores around the house, which included normally female chores such as sweeping the house, tidying up, helping to cook and care for the younger family members by giving them baths. My duties increased as I got older and now, I already work part-time in order to help my family out financially. We have never been wealthy or even comfortable in life so I have to do my part in order to ensure that our daily needs are met.

- My community includes my tightly knit family members. So if I were to leave the community for any reason, my cousins, uncles, aunts, nieces, and nephews, would be sure to come to my family's aid in terms of getting the chores done. That is something that we have always done for the family members each time one of the relatives leaves his family for a long period of time. I do not doubt that they would do the same for my family since i did the same for them. As for my financial contribution, nobody would be able to take over that duty. Which is why I am applying for a scholarship. With a scholarship I would be able to concentrate on my studies and not worry about having to pay my fees. Instead, I can work part time to continue helping my family financially.