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One day you made a bad mistake which upset other people - essay help [3]
Greetings!
Don't panic! :-) It's very good; it just needs a little fine-tuning. Here are some suggestions (If I left out a sentence, it means it's fine as is):
I
will never forget that night, when
, for the first time in my life, I dreaded sleeping in my mother's embrace.
Every now and then, she would draw a long sigh, leaving me wide awake,
to reflect upon my blunder.
That evening, as usual, I
had practised my skipping tricks while my mother went jogging in the park nearby; we went home after
an hour
, enjoying
the fresh air, chatting merrily all the way. I
did not know yet that the trouble
would begin after we reached home.
I felt in my pocket for the keys, but the
cool, metallic feeling I was expecting did not come at all. The keys must have dropped out of my pocket when I was skipping.
That eerie silence gave
me cold chills running along my spine. My mother's sigh broke the silence,
a shadow falling across her face. My father called the locksmith, but the keys would not be ready until the weekend. My mother snagged her teeth on her bottom lip, as if she was trying not to say something out loud, but I could read her mind clearly- she would have to take public transport to work
tomorrow, early in the morning, to reach her workplace on time, and she was more than worried. It would be torturous for anyone with extreme motion sickness
, like her.
The last time she took
the bus to work she had to take the next day off
because she fell sick. It was
entirely my fault.
but I was
glued to the seat, staring at
nothing. - I wasn't sure what seat you were glued to at this point.
hoping that the bus would be late
, as usual.
My
legs automatically stopped, a rush of despair
rolling over me like waves. She
was gone.I
sat in the bus stop, waiting for the rain to subdue.
Could she breathe well, or
was the smell of the bus was giving her a hard time? If only I had run faster, she might not have
had to suffer the bus.
She reached out to take the
bag of oranges from me
. Her hand stroked mine; her eyes were smiling, too, loving and tender.
The only other thing I would suggest is some allusion to why the oranges are going to fix everything. You don't want to explain it in too obvious a fashion, but you need some mention of it, because most of us don't know that oranges are good for motion sickness (it was news to me). :-) Perhaps you could say something like "The last time she took the bus to work she fell sick and had to spend the next day in bed, sucking on oranges to quell her nausea."
Take a few deep breaths and don't worry--this one is great, too! :-))
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com