Scholarship / Academic Interests Essay (Scholarship) - to pursue a degree in political science [5]

I revised it. Please help me.

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When I was a sophomore in high school, my social studies teacher started a club called Youth and Government. Although I was hesitant to join, looking back at it, I was glad that I did. I've realized how the program has made a better person because I was able to be exposed to different issues that matter to us and present my own written bill to fellow teens that also have one thing in mind: to promote change. Coming from a rural district in Hawaii, Youth and Government became a way for me to have my voice heard and propose changes that we want for our society. Participating in this program was the spark that helped me decide that I wanted to pursue political science. It helped me understand that being able to help others is more satisfying than accumulating wealth for yourself.

Throughout my high school years, I've taken many social studies courses that pushed my interests into political science. To give a few examples, world history has taught me the patriarchal system of the world and how it still occurs up to this day; and the Modern Hawaiian History and American Problems courses have taught me about the marginalization of people of color in our society. To be able to learn about these issues that exist in our society today made me want to be someone who has a voice in our government in order to speak up against these issues. For that reason, if able to receive a degree in political science, I would like to run for state Senate here in the state of Hawaii.

Growing up financially challenged, I can easily relate to the challenges that accompany poverty. If it wasn't for my father deciding to work abroad in Hawaii, my family would be in poverty in Manila, so migrating here became an ultimate decision my family had to make when I was 8. I was fortunate enough to have been given a chance to have a second life here in Hawaii. However, I do not regret any past experiences nor do I wish it hadn't happened. My past experiences became my motivation to strive higher and to help others. If given a chance to become a senator, poverty and high cost of living are issues I want to address because I know how difficult life is under those conditions.

Having this passion and interest in political science, I want to be the male-replica of Senator Mazie Hirono. We are both immigrants, but that didn't stop us from wanting to help others. I admire Mazie Hirono because she is the only Asian American in Senate and I also want to add to this diversity in the future. In conclusion, I see many issues out there that I believe needs to be addressed, and I want to contribute to that solution. I believe that this degree will push me not just on my interests but as well as an individual. By helping others, I am also able to learn about myself as a person, and that's probably another good thing about this degree.

Undergraduate / I want to become a business expert - KGSP personal statement [4]

Right now, your essay is 890 words which is really long for a personal statement. They are usually about 600-650 words long (some would even say 500). Anyways, your essay showcases a lot about your life but not much about who you are. I made the same mistake writing mines. Also, you tell in a lot of parts of essays, you'll want to show in a way that people reading your essay could visualize that exact moment.

To shorten your essay, I would choose parts of your essay that relates to business (your career path). I see your father and family has a lot of impact on you (keep that). I would get rid of the first paragraph as it is quite irrelevant to your main point which is who you are and why you're interested in pursuing retail/business. There are also grammatical errors in this essay so I would recommend reading it out loud to spot them because we often miss a lot of punctuation and grammatical rules when we write. If you need any more help, let me know!

Undergraduate / Georgetown Supplement: What do you think, how any Summer/School Activity affect You? (1/2 page long) [3]

Hey @Holt, I've made revisions to my essay. I appreciate the suggestions you made and I made the changes. However, putting the things you recommended made my essay longer than expected.

This is my current revision:
Growing up, I always felt that public speaking was the epitome of misery. I never appreciated talking in front of people because I felt as if the things I said weren't interesting enough and I couldn't live with the idea of people staring at me with their lifeless eyes. With every stare, I could only imagine the countless judgments and criticisms they have for me. In the beginning of my sophomore year, I wanted to conquer my fear of speaking so I joined the Youth and Government (YAG) program in my school where I had to write a mock legislation on an issue I felt passionate about and debate on it.

YAG taught me to ignore my fears of public speaking. As I waited for my turn to present my bill, I realized one thing: there will always be people against your opinions, but there would also be people that will your support your ideas. As I presented my bill, I remember stuttering in every sentence and talking with a paper of my talking points covering my face. I stood in complete uncomfort. However, it was something that I learned to conquer and through YAG, I became more confident. YAG gave me a platform to talk about the issues that mattered to me. I learned to use my voice to bring awareness to issues that affects everyone, including myself.

Preparing my bill wasn't easy. It required attention to detail and extensive research. We couldn't just write bills on topics based on our hunches; it had to be supported by facts and statistics. YAG taught me to choose my sources properly and how to look for information, which I believe will be beneficial in college. My first bill was amended in the sense that it benefits more people. For that, YAG taught me how the proper methods of negotiations and to what extent I must consider other options. YAG taught me skills that I could use in the future which is why it is so important to me.

It is 337 words long. How long is a half-page essay supposed to be? Could I get help shortening my essay?

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: I'm Human (topic of your choice) [3]

Hey, there. The common app's "topic of your choice" category is broad, which allows you to write virtually anything, but in this essay, I feel as though you're telling your personal traits in a way that's similar to listing them. I recommend on using a personal experience and use that to showcase your traits instead of specifically write them. Using a personal experience tends to make your readers more hooked in and want to read more. Maybe write about founding Ultimatum because, in some ways, I think it has helped you discover the traits you showed in your following paragraphs. Other than that, I like this essay.

Undergraduate / Quest Bridge Biographical Essay for College Admission [5]

Question: Is there a specific word count you have to follow?

Overall, I like your essay but if in the first paragraph if you can emphasize on how did you conquer your fear of self-identity as a Sudanese (and not an Emirati)? From your first paragraph, I understand your willingness to be open about other cultures which is essential in college, but I'm forced to ask, "Does this person know who he really is?" In other words, what does it mean to be a Sudanese? That's just my little comment. Good luck, though. I love the idea of your essay; your challenges in life surely put you in a good spot in the eyes of AO's.

Undergraduate / UVA Supplement: The word "push" is my favorite and reminds me that I shouldn't give up. [3]

Holt, thanks for the comment. Your comment was very helpful. By the way, I made a new version. Sorry, it took so long. How does this sound? Is it better?

My first experience with the word "push" was during my sophomore year when I did the 3000m event for track and field. In the fourth lap of the race, I cried in pain. I felt as if I was being stabbed in the side with a knife, but the only thing in my mind was "I need to finish this race." I kept running even though the sounds of footsteps behind me and the cheers for the people who lapped me speaks of only one thing: to give up. My friends, however, yelled "Push!" from the top of their lungs and though finishing last, I was able to complete the race with the help of one word.

Push is my favorite word because it teaches many lessons.

The word "push" resonated with me as a reminder to persevere and not give up, but also as a motivation to achieve things that are outside of my comfort zone. As I progress through high school-now a senior-the word push allowed me to tackle my fear of public speaking but also encouraged me to take rigorous courses throughout high school. My experiences with this word enabled me to form a sense of maturity and courage that will I think will be essential in college; as well as the crave for challenge. With different deadlines and rigorous coursework, it's easy to get frustrated and give up, but the mentality that the word "push" taught me will enable to become a successful student.

Undergraduate / Unable to fail, raised under the principle of hard work. Texas application [4]

Hi there Maria,

Describe your family, home, neighborhood, or community, and explain how it has shaped you as a person. You have to choose only one of these because it doesn't state "and". What I would do is to emphasize on one that had the most influence on you. Is it your family? Is it your community? You decide, but if I would write this, I would write about only one of those categories. By sticking to one, you can tell a story on how that category has shaped you and that way, the reader can be more interested in reading what you have to say.

Also, what is your word count limit? I know small word count limits can be daunting, but an essay is less interesting to read when readers see a long paragraph. Maybe go with a 1-2 sentence introduction, then a body, then 1-2 conclusion.

Hope my comments helped and good luck!

Undergraduate / 'In my life, i have experienced many events that didn't': Three essays in one thread-MIT application [5]

Apart from playing video games...

For this essay, maybe answer the directly the question directly. I personally think that the clause about playing video games, pool and table tennis is unnecessary. This just takes up word count. 100 words is short, but maybe expand on how soccer has shaped you. For example, what has soccer taught you that makes it qualified to be a MIT freshman?

Second essay:
... because I like it ever since I learnt about astronomy in high school. I have always desired to know more and discover more about outer space.I think this a better explanation to why you want to be an astronomer, compared to learning it in high school. Astronomy i.e. the scientific study [...] body in outer space This is unneeded, and takes up necessary word count. I recommend expanding on the knowledge that space has contributed to the betterment of humanity. What contributes does space have for the United States? People? is a field of study that can never be exhausted due to our ever expanding universe, it offers knowledge needed to better humanity.

... The recent one happened sometime last week. For example, I used to gamble a lot.
... I asked my parents, but they both told ...
... money and win, andhe told me he knows ...
. He calls him Q.
... told him to give me Q's details so I could makethe payment which was N20000($54). hHe gave me the details.

20 minutes later, Q sent me (...) happy that I have Did you mean I'll have or I will have? Other approaches could be, I was happy I was going to receive more money.

... won the bet, but I opened my (...) to my surprise, the outcome of ...
... fun game of football(soccer). [Just write soccer, people in MIT would relate more to it.]

Sorry, if I was too critical. You are not required to take my advice if you want, but they are just my opinions on how to improve this essay.

Writing Feedback / A paragraph about "Causes of children obesity" [4]

Childhood obesity has ... -> you can simplify this to "Childhood obesity has become a worrying issue in many nations for several reasons." It's much easier to read and understand and removes unnecessary words.

"a majority of children now," I would use today instead of now and say consume instead of eat, you can't eat soft drinks. Also, soft drinks could be written as drinks high in sugar content. Note that not all unhealthy drinks are sodas or soft drinks.

"and this leads to," --> leading to their unfit bodies. Plural since you stated children which is in plural form.

Remove comma before who and after children.

satisfy their appetite by eating ... --> consuming junk food like hamburgers or chips

bodily - discomfort diseases.This sounds weird to me. Keep it simple, I think health problems is a better word choice.

Another reason = use "second" instead. It resonates with me better.

"Also" should be "lastly" since it is your last reasoning and to me, it begins to conclude this essay and will have a better transition to your last sentence.

Undergraduate / Ethics and Integrity - when it affects your family [4]

Hi Isabella, for this essay, I feel as though you have a huge resentment towards your dad and most of your sentences are questions which takes a lot of your word count? If I were you, I would use this to describe how this situation has shaped me. How did this situation between your grandma and your dad shape you? Because of this situation, why don't you want to be your dad? Do you want to help him change? If so, how? It's these little things colleges look for.

Your thought process is evident in your question statements which is good, but I want to read more about you if I was an AO.

Writing Feedback / Every success is because of hard working, luck has not much in common with success. [5]

It is understandable that your English is limited but certain parts of your essay I was lost. For instance,

Therefore, luck ... I would rewrite this as,"Therefore, luck is not as essential as hard work."

I would also watch for errors such as Moreover, people who worked hardly for ... The "-ly" in hardly is not needed.

Writing Feedback / The graph provides an overview of the percentages of people whose age is 65 or more [4]

The graph provides an overview... The graph shows the percentages of people from the United States, Japan, and Sweden aged 65 years or older since 1940, all the way to 2014

(over 65 years) - this isn't needed since we already know that they are 65 years old and older based on your intro.

It is worthy to point out the fact that the Sweden line ... Line is an informal term for the purpose of this essay; use projection instead, maybe.

Undergraduate / Colgate Supplement - 3 word description - "bold, humble and happy" (250 W or less) [3]

Holt, I've rewritten the essay entirely and asked again for new descriptions and this is what I got so far: (It's exactly 250 words)

My best friend who I went to school with since the third grade would describe me as "loud, expressive and analytical." Every day in school, I would be the student laughing on a pun that someone said or a joke even when they aren't funny. She recurrently tells me I'm a weird child and often asks me, "Why are you so loud?" With the rise of her eyebrow, I often stop but will return to my loud self in several minutes. However, she says that she admires my sense of expression that I incorporate with my loudness. I later discovered that my expression is not limited to my loudness as I was able to show my expressiveness in leadership, with my best friend. With my best friend, I became the Hawai'i State Student Council representative while she became Student Body Government president, with the hopes of fixing problems in our school. Even though I'm a representative for state council, she was very accepting of my ideas and trusted my instinct in planning school events such as spirit week and homecoming. In addition, she also describes me as very analytical. When writing her college application essays, I was usually the first person she allows to proofread essays as I have established myself as a grammar police. Lastly, she frequently recalls my inability to comprehend simple jokes as I would often over-analyze what certain jokes mean before I find it funny.