Posts by ravatrav

ravatrav

Jun 13, 2017

Writing Feedback / The information of millions of television viewers in sports by four different country. [3]

Hi Tylen,
First of all, I think you should include all of the listed countries name (in the data), so that your reader will know which countries you are talking about aside from USA (its optional, though I think its better that way, just try it ). Secondly, your first sentence in the 2nd paragraph better be placed in the first paragraph as an overview because it serves a generalized view, as in the body paragraph you supposed to discuss the specific features of the data already. Usually people build the first paragraph as an intro and overview, while in the following paragraph they focused on the detail of the data (specific). May be you should try to read some sample answers provided all over the internet in order to get to know more on how to answer and practice more on your paragraph and sentence structure. Oh, and may be next time you should attach the data as well so we know what data we are dealing with. Thanks and good luck.

ravatrav

Jun 18, 2017

Writing Feedback / Academic Writing: the daily audiences percentage of UK radio and television X-XII 1992 [2]

Any comments and corrections are deeply appreciated, thank you in advance !

The graph below shows radio and television audiences of United Kingdom throughout the day in the year 1992. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

television viewers and radio listeners in UK

The provided line graph depicts the daily audiences percentage of United Kingdom radio and television during October to December in 1992. As can be seen, both media has their peak point in the completely different time of the day. While radio has it during the morning, television has them when the night comes.

Both line graphs started almost at the same percetage value with only a slight difference in number. Comes the morning, a dramatical change was occured in the graph representing the radio listeners. A rise to 25% made the chart in stark contrast to those of television audiences, which remained steady as its preceeding trend. It was not until around 9 AM that the television audiences percentage started to rose.

From then on, the television viewer gradually inclined until 3 PM where it suddenly doubled, and reached a percentage of over 40% of viewers by 8PM. In contrast, the radio audiences percentage started to fall down by 9 AM and carried on until the end of the day.

(170 words)

LINE_GRAPH_TV_RADIO.png

ravatrav

Jul 30, 2017

Writing Feedback / [IELTS]Some people think that children should be studying all the mandatory subjects [7]

Dear Karen, I don't think you should use any contractions in a formal essay such as the one you wrote above. Instead, actual words usage is encouraged. Write "do not" instead of "don't", "it is" instead of "it's". Also, I think you missed several prepositions and articles in some parts of your writing. A phrasal verb usage will do your essay some good instead of writing a single verb, for example, the sentence "they are interested" will look better if it is written as " they are interested in". Another crucial thing to point out is that you should not include any questions in your essay. You are answering a question, so when you add another one in it, then you have to give an answer or an explanation to what you wrote, and sometimes, this could lead to a complicated answer and possibly an out-of-topic writing. The last thing, avoid using too many "just" for it can make your essay looks less formal. Good luck.

ravatrav

May 8, 2018

Writing Feedback / Smacking children is the best form of discipline. - IELTs writing task 2. [3]

dear @rotlata01,
try to vary your sentence structures more. you used the same pattern all over your writing so in my opinion, as a reader, I find it quite monotonous. Regarding the idea of your essay, it seems to be clashing. You should have a stronger argument in the second paragraph since you disagreed with the motion. However, the 'obvious' and 'absolutely' (oh and I think you need an article before this word or a noun after the word 'appropriate') words in your writing made your first paragraph sounded too sure that it beat your main view. It is good that you write the argument for both positions but still, one should dominate the other I suppose. Expand your idea, so that your writing can exceed the minimum word requirement and make your essay more alive. Your writing is good already, but a little adjustment here and there will make it better :)

best regard.

ravatrav

Jun 4, 2018

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 : the population changes in four countries during 1990-2000 and its projection [NEW]

Any comments and advice are deeply appreciated. If it is possible, can you tell me the estimated band score of such writing? Thank you very much!

The table below gives information about past and projected population figures in various countries for different years.

The provided table reports the population growth among 4 different countries-Australia, Canada, New Zealand, and the United States- in the late twentieth century and its projection until 2050. It is obvious that from the beginning to the end, United States had the heaviest population and is predicted to be the highest still among others.

During the 1990s, United States population accounted for approximately 250 million people. The rate in which the number of people increased was higher than others, around 10-20 million people, and is estimated to burst that there will be 349 million people living there by 2050. The aforementioned country's residents were followed by Canada, which was populated by almost a tenth of what it was in the United States. After 2000, the figure will grow by 8 million in the next 5 decades.

Following them were Australia and New Zealand. The former was modestly populated with only 17.1 million people while the other was the least among all. New Zealand only had less than 5 million people in its country. Both countries growth were unremarkable. The prediction informs that while Australia will have Canada's initial number by 2050, New Zealand's will only rise by less than a million people.

(203 words)

table.png

ravatrav

Mar 17, 2020

Writing Feedback / Music being benifical to bring people of other cultures and generation together [4]

~~Nowdays~~ Nowadays, music is ~~belived~~ believed ~~that being benifical~~ to be beneficial to bring people of ~~other~~ various cultures and generation together. People who like the music of ~~a other~~ another ~~contry~~ country,....

....For example, ~~who people~~ people who love....

@meoubeolu I noticed there are quite a lot of spelling mistakes and some grammatical errors there that you need to work on. Be careful when choosing the words for paraphrasing as it is able to divert the original meaning of the sentence if you pick it wrong. Elaborating more of your idea will help the reader to understand your points better, for example you can explain more about why people might get an insight of a country whose song they listen to and then move on to connect it to their culture. I think it will be better if you provide a relevant example with a bit of explanation. In my point of view as a reader, the examples you provided above are too straightforward that I found it hardly relevant with your previous sentences. As I've said before, adding a little bit of short explanation following the example can boost your statement there.

I hope it helps even just a tiny bit. Wishing you a good time in your learning and cheers!

ravatrav

Mar 17, 2020

Writing Feedback / Writing exercise : a prompt about reading. [4]

I am a book person

Hi, EF members. I have this prompt about reading just to work on my writing skill. Any comments and suggestions are deeply appreciated, thank you.

The questions of the prompt :

Do you like to read? How often do you read?
What do you like to read and why?
Tell us about something you read recently.
..........................................................................

I absolutely a book person and am very much into reading. I read as often as I sip my cup of water. Be it a book, articles, short stories, or web pages, I love reading them. From the various genres that I read, I specially keen on reading fantasy stories. I love how it manages to bring myself to imagine something I never find in real life and most of those stories are really exciting and adventurous such as those in Harry Potter, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Darren Shan's Demonata series, and Derek Landy's Skulduggery Pleasant series. Nowadays though, I read more of a history genre where it allows myself to indulge in a journey to the past that make the future as it is. Just recently, I read my new purchased book titled '1001 Inventions : The Enduring Legacy of Muslim Civilization' by Professor Salim T S Al-Hassani and it amazes me a lot. It brings back a great civilization's history, where people from different nations, races and religions were living in harmony, and its role in today's modern world that is very much forgotten and ignored. Truly a masterpiece must I say.

ravatrav

Mar 17, 2020

Writing Feedback / Writing exercise : a prompt about reading. [4]

@Holt thank you very much for pointing my errors out, especially the grammar which I have a serious problem with. Just found out that a semicolon can be used that way, guess I also need to work on my usage of punctuation mark. Hopefully I can do better in my next attempt.

ravatrav

Mar 18, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Advantages and Disadvantges: Conveniece foods [6]

Hi @THC1310vn, even if the prompt already said that the topic is about convenience food, I think you still need to state it clearly in your introduction paragraph instead of just writing "opting for convenience" as it sounds too general. I'll opt to put it this way for a safer measure :

The fast pace in which the modern lifestyle is taking turn now makes the existence of convenience foods become a blessing. It is able to help people to have a quick meal in the middle of their busy life. The handiness of it in assisting people to get through their day results in a high demand of this product, which can also be beneficial for food companies. Despite some negative views such as its health value, I personally think that convenience foods bring more advantages rather than drawbacks in helping people keeping up with their life today.

"First of all, business, who have to ..." --> I think the "business" here should be "businessman" as business can't really engross themselves in works. In my point of view as a reader, I feel like your statement of disadvantages is stronger here compared to your stance. The dangers seem to be more prominent here rather than the advantages, despite the last sentence in the second paragraph.

I'm no professional and still very much learning, but I hope that this can still help you even just a little bit. Good luck and cheers :-)

ravatrav

Jul 6, 2020

Writing Feedback / Essay about reasons and keys to recent situations of local attractions [5]

Hi. You might want to reorganize your introduction paragraph to include also the general overview of the problem and solution, perhaps something like :

"... be caused by several reasons such as (you can fill the reason(s) here). ... problem can be easily tackled by (here's the big picture of your solution(s))"

... main cause ~~originated in lacking of knowledge~~ --> originates from the lack of knowledge.
Since your main cause is due to the lack of knowledge of the locals, i think you should focus on developing this idea such as elaborating why do the locals have a only a minimum knowledge rather than jumping to a promotion reason. This also applies to the solution paragraph. Rather than writing about incentives and also the examples that i think is unrelated to your problem at all (because your example is more on a promotion (again) rather than knowledge broadening (which is your main reason)), why not provide an explanation on the effect of your solutions on the locals instead.

A tip to be on the safer side, provide a solution and example related only to the cause you presented to keep it coherence.

Hopefully this can somehow helps you. Cheers :)

ravatrav

Jul 9, 2020

Writing Feedback / The changes in the emission of carbon in four countries in the period from 1967 to 2007 [2]

Hi, there :)
I think it's better to put your overview into your intro paragraph. That way, you can have more than one sentence in a paragraph. Also be careful on run-on sentences. Getting some practice in using punctuation wouldn't hurt :) For example in your first body paragraph, you only have a sentence there for a paragraph. Some people will need more effort to understand a really long sentence. Instead of a comma, I think a period can be used after "...the four countries,..." so it can be rewritten into "...were the highest among the four countries. The figure saw...".

I do have such problem myself but I hope this still helps. Oh, perhaps you should attach the figure that you wrote the report for next time. That way people can point out things that you missed (if any) or any other improvement you can make. Cheers :)